As life goes by

2012 is a fact!

2012-01-02T05:24:00.000-08:00

Because I am still kind of wrapped up in colorful serpetine and that there are still some bottles of champagne to finish I do take the freedom to let others wish you a Happy New Year. But these words have been chosen carefully and I hope that all of you out there are already are finding out that the year 2012 is a brand new adventure! Hope to share many blog posts with you! Thanks for being still with me out here!

Tick Tock

I’m writing this in a state of shock,
Watching the clock—tick tock, tick tock,
Advancing, approaching, relentlessly,
A brand new year; Oh, can it be?

The calendar says the same thing, too;
Time races, vanishes for me; Boo hoo!
No, wait! If time flies, I’m having fun!
A year of fun! It’s gone! It’s done!

I now embrace the blur of time,
Because it simply means that I’m
Too busy with pleasure, joy, delight
To mourn the passing days’ swift flight.

So I’m wishing you fast, happy days,
Pleasuring you in myriad ways,
Filled with happiness and cheer,
Oh Happy, Happy Bright New Year!

By Joanna Fuchs

Serendipity

2011-12-31T04:12:00.000-08:00

There are many words that I love in the English language but there are a few that will always make me smile for obvious and less obvious reasons. Today a fellow Jane Austen fan did tweet this word as a hashtag and it took me breath away. Why? Well, because it is word that I do strongly believe in.

Perhaps some of you have never even heard of the word and this perhaps because it is not a word to be used on a daily basis. I do think that it is a word that is very fitting to be used at a day as today.

In Australia they are already celebrating 2012 and to be honest I can't wait to get dressed up & drink some heavenly champagne in the company of some good friends. Friends that do matter to me greatly. At a day as this I do take some time to look back at what I have ended up after 365 days more on my personal timeline.

Well,...what can I say that I am so grateful for what I do have? That I am over the moon about the fact that I am still surrounded by family, friends and human beings that make me feel very much alive and hopefull? That I feel blessed when it comes down to friendship and love? That opposite me two men are sitting that I love above all? That I strongly believe in many words that matter on a daily basis? That I this last year did find so much more out there then I hoped for? That I did let go but still try to hold on when the night is dark and the moon seems to be hiding? That a smile, a tear, a wink, a kiss, a pad on the shoulder, a song over the radio, a wave, a post card, a Tweet, a message on the my phone, a good book, a cup of George Clooney coffee, a gigantic chocolate muffin, a glass of champagne had an amazing powerful effect on me....... and I could go on for hours because in 2011 that I was all granted in the company of some amazingly impressive and loving people.

One of the many reasons that I do like the word here above is that it is very hard to translate. 'Happy accident' is one of them and perhaps that is a very good way of putting down in some very easy words what this extra ordinary word is. It has given me so much more then I could ever hoped for in a year that I do wish to call serendipity all over. The world might sometimes have gone mad but even in hybris I did find some sparks of hope.

Chances are high that you reader have been one of these sparks. So yes, before the old year comes to an end I do wish to say thank you from the bottom of heart. Some of you might not have been aware of the energy you did share with me. But then everything happens for a reason and therefor let us in 2012 go with the flow and try to share the happy tidings and hopefully find old and new hands to hold on to when the tidings are less cheerful.

I would gladly invite you over for a gigantic cup of festive Gingerbread latté with a gigantic double chocolate muffin at the Starbucks in Central Station of Brussels. This in order to just sit there and let the world pass by. But I bet that most of you will be the next few days be quite busy with being very grateful and hopeful. But please be so kind to accept my sincere wishes for the new year that is already peeping around the corner. Please stay observative and when an accident does happen then please believe in the force of 'Serendipity'. Let 2012 be the year you are after in your dreams and beyond. And let it be a year filled up with many 'happy accidents'.

P.S.: I do have a very special reason to have picked this song. It was in Central Park about 10 years ago that some extra ordinary feeling popped up in my heart and that I did not could wait to see the one smile of the person that now get to spend our 11th New Years Eve with. <3

A Merry Little Xmas

2011-12-23T13:13:00.001-08:00

I am home for the holidays!!! And yes, I managed to get into the mood for xmas. P told me today while he tried to find something edible in this 'empty' house that he still has not found the xmas spirit. 'Well I think I did!', was then my reply. Wished that I could share it with him but the thing is that I do think that you need to discover or it rather rediscover the spirit of xmas yourself.

Where did I find my xmas feeling this year? Well,..... surprise suprise... at work. 'Boring', you might think. Because you might think that I am talking about the annual xmas party or that I fell in love with the lovely xmas tree that is brighting up the dark and cold reception area of our school building. Nope! It is more then that.

It was more....

- the amazingly cute xmas cards that I did find in my mail box. The ones my pupils made were of course the most touching. 'Mrs S did I this year spell all the English words correctly?' The hopeful look in this pupil her eyes told me so much more.
- the wonderful testimony that colleague and young mother L gave today during our xmas service. My feet were changing into icecubes but her sincere and touching words made me swallow down a few tears.
- the extra portions food that were to be discovered in many places. I must say that the pancake, the yummy 'eclaires', the delicious 'bouche de Noël',baked marshmellows and a coffee with xmas touch to it added a delicious twist to my xmas spirit that was popping up.
- the moment that a pupil of mine called my desk 'clean'. Yes, Stallie can be so chaotic but she likes to keep everything close by and then ends up with high stacks of papers. It is miracle that at the end of the term she is still visible to her audience. So yes, I did classify (read throw) away some of the 'old' paperwork to make room for the 'new' on that the next year will bring me. But this compliment did make my heart glow.
- the reactions of my sophomores when I handed over their report cards. Most faces told me that they were relieved and so was I. This year I feel blessed when it comes down to motivated pupils. Kids that will need still encounter many hard moments in their lives but have shown me in the last three months something that makes me still hopeful when it comes down to the future.
- the numerous hugs, meaningful compliments and winks I got this week. Words can give you wings. I can tell you that today more then once a co worker or a pupil used meaningful words that I did copy loud and clear. I wrapped them up and put a very big bow around them and took them along home to plant them under our xmas tree.

One look over my shoulder does tell me that at work I do find so much more then just work. Xmas is the time of giving and receiving. It should not be about getting even or taking revenge. Xmas is for sure the moment that you are granted an opportunity to observe the world with your five senses and that you do come to terms with what you already have in abundance and want to share with human kind and this globally.

Okay I admit that the best moment of the day did take place at home. Our son A, who managed to get very good grades at school and whose teacher is also very proud of him and who did star in the annual xmas musical as a doc, asked tonight for a very big hug. Not just an ordinary one but one while the three of us were holding on to each other. 'Merry xmas!', he then yelled and it was then that I did feel that xmas did arrive for sure at this house.

Because isn't it so that we find the mystery of xmas in the rather less visible? Have all of you a very Merry 'little' Xmas.

P.S.: Today during the church service someone said that the reason that many of us like the Nativity story that much is because it ends well. Happy tidings still echo while I listen or read it myself!

Getting into the Xmas Spirit?!

2011-12-17T15:11:00.000-08:00

Today A and I did drag half the content of our attic down the stairs. The 7 year old was all in smiles because he has got this such touching excitement going on when the Holidays pop around the corner. And yes, it is contagious. By the time we put all the decorations in the right places of our cold house my heart was glowing. Outside the first snow is fighting back against warmer temperature but I guess more will come soon of that white powder!

Also did the final countdown started. The Twelve days of Xmas is one of my favorite Holiday poems. And I also love to put on xmas cds and sign along. ot even caring that I am singing of key. And today I even created a xmas card with for the first time a family picture of the three of us on it. We have never done this before. Also the first ordered online xmas gifts arrived in boxes on our doorsteps. Best box that we did find this week was the gigantic one that my precious friend C did send me over. The beautiful content is now hanging in our xmas tree. I LOVE IT!!!

Not that my spirit is already totaly wrapped up in xmas spirit. Stallie is a total last minute person on that front. As long as I am running around at work and have things to deal with work related I just can not find the time to get all wrapped into xmas. Nope, I have not attented one single xmas market so far because and nope I have not bought my secret santa gift yet for a family member.

Peace I do hope to find once I leave work next Friday. After all that is what xmas should be about. For me the peace message this festive period tries to carry out is crucial. I love to share this with as many as possible and world wide. But then there are still people out there who seem to have been less inclined to be peaceful.

Yes, Belgium tends to be rather a boring place. That we needed over 500 days to find a new government and plan to govern was perhaps a desperate scream for attention. This week our Prime Minister Elio diRupo was asked by a Dutch regional camera the way to Manneke Pis and these guys did not even knew who he was. Not that he seemed to be upset about it. After all he is only human.

I wonder if this is the case with the person who decided to destroy the peaceful xmas spirit that lingered around in the streets of Liége. That person ended up destroying so much more. The destruction, the pain, the suffering and the loss that human being created out there was/is beyond any word. The images that I found out on the internet did show me more then I wished to see. It felt like I was tresspassing. I felt awkward and then the classic one liner did pop up:'Why in the world, did he do that? What was he thinking when he decided to pull the trigger'

Yes, I am tempted to go on now and trying to express to you what it has done to my mind. But then I want to keep believing in the fact that there are still more people out there who only want peace and not death as form of justification. Liége will end up in my annual newsletter and it will for sure linger around for many years in the common mind of the Belgian people. Some scars will never heal.

Most touching story I read the day after was about a teenager whose body will for over contain a left over of the person who 'destroyed'. Surgeons decided to let one of bullets in the kids his kidney. The idea that you have got something inside of you that is designed to hurt and kill must be undescrible.

So this week Stallie does intend to get into the spirit of Xmas. I also wish you a very nice week out there to get everything done you wish to get done to have the xmas you wish for. My list of wishes is this xmas rather short but I do hope that many will find peace of mind. And yes, every time when I light a candle many will be in my thaughts and prayers. It will be a prayer for peace and enlightment.

P.S.: I did not find a fitting song to go along whith this entry. But this weekend I got to see this gem. And a zen drummer is fur sure an enlightned soul.

Stallie Says Yes!!!!

2011-12-07T00:32:00.000-08:00

Major remark: NO THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE WEDDING PREPOSAL I STILL LONG FOR!!! So if you hoped it was about that you better do not read on! :-)))))

Sinterklaas has brought me this year tons of candy. Something I should be thrilled about if you are called auntie Lolly by your nephews and nieces. Even the ballet studio I left with in my hands a little plastic bag filled up with candy. I was also the one who dragged from one meeting to an other bags filled up with all Sinterklaas candy. I just eat myself through the week before Sinterklaas. Basically because I seem to be preparing myself for the worst weeks of the year that are heading my way.

Last week I had some set backs because I sometimes was facing the consequences of saying one more time yes. In what kind of mess I got myself by just nodding my head and commiting myself to a certain task. Yes, I have got the tendency to say that word quite often.

The last few weeks I seem to have the idea that I perhaps have said once or twice to much yes. Because I think I need a clone to get all the things done that I have noted down in my stylish black Moleskine day to day diary. In there I try to keep track of all my appointments and also the things I need to get done asap. Not that I will write a deadline behind them because that is something that I honestly not always believe in.

In general is Stallie the person who likes a bit of pressure in order to see the urgency of getting a certain job or task done. Something I picked up while writing for the High School newspaper. The fact that it took my own politicians over 500 days to come down to an agreement that most of them can live by till the next election just makes me believe that a deadline sometimes just won't stand . So much time I am never granted to proof myself right for a certain job or make sure that keep my promise. But hey, I guessed that they only wanted to say yes to something they all can believe in or at least can live by for the coming two years.

Once I have said yes to something or someone then this lady wants her to keep the end of the bargain very badly. The word deadline can trigger my mind. Not that I think that I do not have enough time. Hey, I even still have found some minutes to type this entry. And yes, there are many things that I still find the time for even tough I consider myself so busy most of the time.

Because yes is a very powerful word that has brought me more then I ever bargained for. Okay, yes it has also sometimes makes me feel stressed out (more then once I was told today that I did look rather 'shitty') but it also makes me feel very much alive. Yes, I know you need to say no once in a while to make sure that they do not take advantage of you but still...that word can add some adventure to my dull existence

This summer when flying back home from my wonderful Berlin trip the person who was sitting next to me saw what book I was reading:'Yesman' by Danny Wallace! He was very pleased. 'You know what I think that we should say more yes!', he said. It is always very nice when a stranger gives unasked personal comments on a book you are reading. 'YES!', was my response but then I added the words that I had picked up while reading:' But there are many kinds of yes! And that is what many people tend to forget!'

So when have you today said 'yes'? I challenge you to write down the numerous times you did say this little at the first glance insignificant word. You will be amazed! There are many people out there who still use their veto when it comes down to taking risks. But personally I think in the world whe live in you will have to let go the prejudice and just dare to embark on an adventure that might bring you more then you ever imagined. The power of yes? YES, I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF YES!!!!

Read By Chance

2011-12-06T13:33:00.000-08:00

Today I do not wish to elaborate a lot on what is going on in my life.
But I just wish to share this with you.
Something I got to read by chance.
Words I consider quite true when it comes down to friendship...

By Choice We Became Friends
It is by chance we met, by choice we became friends...

Friendship is a strange thing....we find ourselves telling each other the deepest details of our lives...things we don't even share with our families who raised us...But what is a friend? A confidant? A lover? A fellow email junkie? A shoulder to cry on? an ear to listen? a heart to feel?... A friend is all these things...and more. No matter where we met, .... I call you friend. A word so small...yet so large in feeling...a word filled with emotion.

It is true great things come in small packages. Once the package of friendship has been opened, it can never be closed... it is a constant book always written...waiting to be read... and enjoyed. We may have our disagreements...we may argue... we may concern one another...friendship is a unique bond that lasts through it all....

A part of me is put into my friends...some it is my humor... some it is my listening ear... some it is real life experiences... some it is my romanticism...but with all, it is friendship.

Friendships forged are a construct stronger than steel built as a foundation....necessary for life... and necessary for love. Friends...you and me... you brought another friend.. and then there were 3... we started our group... Our circle of friends... and like that circle... there is no beginning or end...

by Unknown

Perhaps the only thing I want to add to these lyric words is that friendship does not come along with a number. The last few years I have found more then ever that age does not matter when it comes down to friends. So stop hiding your wrinkles or trying to look older then you in reality are because it does not matter to me. It never did, it never will.

P.S.: the poem, the picture and even the clip I picked out I can all link to friendship. The ones who know me quite well will know how, where, when and what!!! ;-))

The mind is racing, the mind is full!

2011-12-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

I have been not on for quite some time. Partly GERD is to blame for that but also time. Once half way November I seem to have the absurd idea that time is just slipping through my fingers. So I just basically did not find enough time and inspiration to spit out here an entry that I considered worth while to donate some time on.

I am dealing with some hot issues for the moment. Ones that I try to get my head around. The one day it goes smoother then others. One day it seems that the sun is shining in my mind and the next I think that I hear thunderstorms nearing that will mess up my very well constructed shedule.

But I have made some promises two years ago about me, myself and I. I do not wish to go back where it was rather dark most of time. It was a spot where I mostly met up with something that was not creating the life I was after. The day that I decided that enough was enough and that I walked out, I did slam the door very loudly. What I found 'back' made it so much more worth while to try and not to give up even when it is tough.

Mindfulness is something I very strongly believe in. It has helped me and keeps helping me to focus on what truly matters. The last few months many have asked me if it is normal to feel sometimes a bit lost at your thirties. If that what they are facing or have obtained in their lives that this will be it. If the sensation they get up with in the morning will be as good as it gets for the rest the will hang out on this planet.

More then once I was asked where the love went, the sensation they seem to have lost while building a house, finding the dream job they were after, putting children on this globe and travelling the seven seas. Most of them even used the word midlife crises and P has already the word 'motorbike. That last act made me LOL outloud because I tried to picture my other significant on one of these fierce bikes racing into Brussels wearing one of these leather outfits. I just could not get my head around that one but still the word midlife crises was then mentioned out loud. And yes, even he has his moments that he wonders:'Is this it??''

My answer is always the same:'Yes and no!!!!' Most of the time I will then get weird looks because then I wonder if they are planning to travel along with me. Because the voyage I long to take them along on is not that straight forward. For me the word that seems to get others on board is 'perception'! It is a word that in many cases holds up to change your POV.

What I see day in day out does give my life color but sometimes it is hidden and awaiting you in less straightforward places and moments. I do like the light and bright colors better when I get up in the mornings if I try to take a closer look at the sky. It is then that I refuse to get back on the dark outfits that I tend to wear when my mood is down. The moment that A walks into the bathroom and shows his blond hair and his cute smile I try to suck up the energy he is sending out into the cold bathroom. I then dive into his eyes, searching what I am desperately searching for and I do find it there. He has never let me down. And not only he. You might even have been part of some energy boost that kept me zen and 'saved' and keep on 'saving' me.

Like this week I felt it when:
- I drove into the darkness to work but saw the break of dawn (I still have not seen 'Breaking Dawn' but I hope to find my way to the cinema soon!) and the first rays of sunlight hit the earth.
- I read a meaningful passage in a book while I was standing in line at the cash register at the supermarket.
- I picked up P his positive vibes over the phone while having a good time in the eternal city. Yes, I was a bit envious that he was able to walk around without an umbrella in 20°C.
- I sensed it when I 'caught' two young lovers kissing each other in the metro and they seemed not to be aware that they were sharing the space with about 50 other people.
- I tasted while I took a big bite of a gigantic chocolate muffin.
- I smiled at the tiny baby that I did hold today in my arms and whose gorgeous eyes touched my soul.
- I listend to the music that Mozart composed and still can make my soul lift me of to a brighter place.
- I put on my perfume and I did smell that open field of daisies that Marc Jacobs was after when he bottled the odor components.
- I did hear the voice a friend who asked very sincere if I was okay and took the time to listen to what I felt like.
- I longed for it while I was having lunch with in front of me a very good friend and in the background the great skyline of the city that has conquered my heart.
- I smiled while reading the delicately hand writen letter from my Jane Austen pen pale M who I hope to share many happy tidings with.
- I felt sweat running down my backbone while dancing away on the music of Rene Aubry.
- I send of an other tweet into Twitter space and I sometimes ended up with the most unexpected reply of a stranger. Strangers that sometimes make me see things very cleary.

Yes, I have found this week the power in many things. I sucked up the energy that each of these acts tried to share with me. Because energy I will need a great deal over the next few weeks. I just hope that 'Sinterklaas' will be so kind to bring me some chocolate because that is something I might need in case of an emergency and I did ran out of Magic Mindfullness Potion.

In case he is in doubt: I was very good this year and I try to use the force wisely! Oeps, sorry wrong guy but then Yoda and Sinterklaas seem to have found out that Mindfulness can make the difference. It surely keeps them very young for their age. Because one can easily kick some ass with the Dark side and the other rides over roofs while balancing on a gigantic big white horse.

Dealing With GERD!

2011-11-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

I do not talk often how I feel like being a parent out here. Why? Because there are moments that I just go in overdrive and that what is visible is just not suitable for publication. There are many things I like about raising A. Not that it is always peace and pie. Most hiccups you are prepared for and you even do not think are worth to write entry about. Those are the ones you even take for granted. But then there are the ones you are not prepared for and those can hit you right into the face.

If I recall correctly I have once blogged that I do not have the tendency to brag about my own kid. I can't. Not that I have tried but to me the fact that A got out of NICU almost unharmed is in my personal humble opinion worth an Olympic gold medal. The fact that I was able to take me son in one piece was for me the best present ever. Everything that followed after that I just consider/considered 'normal'.

Believe me, I have tried and I keep on trying but it is hard. Like for the moment I try to take a very close and objective look at my own son. I see a kid who loves to be alive and kicking, who likes to dance on Michael Jackson music, loves a filled up plate of pasta carbonnara, can run very fast on a track, likes to be 'gekriebeld' in the evenings like we use to do when he was lying in his incubator, builts amazing symetric constructions with lego bricks, plays with most kids he meets up with without making distinction in race,gender or culture, he is able to say please and thank you without I have to whisper it into his ears and many more things that I think A is very good at. That make him a unique human being.

So when A is having a rather hard time in trying to get the hang of certain school related things I panic. It is then I seem not to be able to grant him the extra time and space he needs to get the hang of it. I then become so frantic and start to come up with doom scenarios that are beyond words.

Why do I worry? Well, he is now in second grade and there are days that I am so scared that it will be a very painful way to get the grades in order to make it into high school. A and home work that is sometimes Mission Impossible and I am so much tempted to call in agent Ethan Hunt to get the message across why it is important to get this done. It is then I fail at being a good mum because I then lose my patience. Something I have plenty of when I am at work. I then wonder why I then just can't be a very well functioning parent/teacher and balancing both professions?

For the moment it got that bad that my stomach is trying to tell me something by the means of acid. I first was tempted to think it was the work related stress that was trying to find a way out. What meant that once Autumn break would be well on its way the dust would settle. But, oh boy, was I wrong! Because this time my stomach is making sure that I'm getting the message loud and clear.

And it hurts. Never ever have I ever had the tendency to leave work but this week I did. Every time my body was sending out a signal I was about to hit the cieling. When I drove home I felt so horrible that I wanted to park my car next to the road and cry. Why? I knew that the meds that I had been prescribed and the good advice that befriended docs had given me would need some time to kick in. But I was going ballestic and just started to become restless. You should have seen me running through the house or a supermarket? No focus what so ever! I even ran upstairs twice to find out that I just couldn't remember why I ran upstairs in the first place. Or I was standing in the aisle of a surpermarket wondering what I exactly needed.

I am in a panic and I know that I need to take five and just give it some extra time and space. Just like the space and time A got when he was born. I just am so scared that this won't be enough this time. Will he be granted that time by his teacher or society? Can he manage with the help he gets at school and this without having to get talking about meds. Will P&I use or common sense when it comes down to helping him without pushing him to far? Will he be able to catch up? Uhm, do I need to go on? I don't think so! You get the picture,don't you?

So in case that I'm refusing to drink a glass of alcohol: I am not pregnant!
So In case that I'm dragging around with liters of mineral water: I am not planning to live in a fish tank!
So in case that I seem to be skipping lunch: I am not on a crash diet!
So in case that I'm feeling not up to joining you for a drink: I don't want to be the party crasher.
So in case that I'm taking small pills for a month: I am not an adict.
So in case that I'm rather quiet: I'm not upset with you.
So in case that I'm swallowing whole the time: it is not that I did not like the meal you cooked I might just have a hard time digesting it. But please do not take it personal!

Nope! These are things I am just trying to cope with in order to deal with my stomach issue. One that perhaps is going to hang around in there for the rest of my existence and this in the form of GERD. You can google it but it is part of the package now. It comes along with me. So in case you are bringing me a visit in the near or far future you might bring rather along flowers instead of a bottle of wine because thanks to GERD I am about to become a teetotaler.

A today asked me during dinner how long this stomach issue was going to interfer with our daily lives. 'Mum, is this going to pass?' 'What?' 'That with your stomach?',and he looked quite sincerly concerned at me while he was having his dinner. 'Uhm, well...?' But then I still have P who then can make sure that any stomach issue becomes just a minor hiccup. 'Yes, because you know what? Your mum lost her favorite scarf and once she has got that one back she will be fine!' Case closed? As long as Lord Acid decides to keep low profile!

Remembrance Day

2011-11-11T02:12:00.001-08:00

'I wonder if you are for the moment allowed on British TV when you are not wearing a poppy?', I asked P while he was watching one more episode of 'Friday Night Lights' (BTW this is P his newest addiction, but have to admit that it makes me hopeful to get him back on a plane in order to check out the 'real' Texas where H,J,S and P are living and who I miss very much for the moment) on his laptop. I also have one and I wear it on my blue winter coat. Got it while I was book-shopping at Waterstone's Brussels and with a big smile donated an amount of money for the British legion. Why? I am not even British. Why I should I even care? Well, I do because Stallie is for sure one of these souls who has got this thing going on for special days like this.

Okay, Remembrance day is nice because it means in this nation an extra day of from work. Yes, it is a day that P is not doing anything work-related and that A can hang out with his toys and stuffed animal zoo without being interupted. But in my mind I do travel to a place where my parents took me as a child and more then once. A place where Armestice day can still come to live. I am then standing there in the pouring rain and see all those white crosses. The first time I saw them they gave me goose bumps. Yes, I did try to count them. Yes, I gave up because it were to many.

My parents did not talk a lot while we were out there. I think they just let the image speak for itself. Hoping that what my brain and eyes would pick up the things they wanted me to see, experience, feel and then remember for a life time. Well, I did. Because every time when I drive by a soldier's grave yard, walk by one or see a war monument I am very grateful to these men and also women who died at the time.

In my family the second world war is still alive. I still have family members who can tell me what it felt like to be a kid at the time or even being a soldier. My grandad, who I never got to know, was even a POW in Germany (mentioned this already a year ago in a previous blogpost). The war turned my beloved grandmother into a very strong woman who raised basically on her own three daugthers. Also I recall when my mum showed me his thomb stone that was one of the many amongst the war veterans. It would mean that my grandmother would not be burried next to her husband. I never asked if she did mind that.

This week P&I did watch some documentaries about the Great War. The most interesting one was the one about medicine during the Great War. It were sometimes very disturbing images to watch. P was also so nice to give me some extra info about the awful situation these 'brave' docs had to operate in. My upset stomach felt for sure the agony some of war victims must have gone through. The conclussion at the end of the documentary was that thanks to the war the medical world progressed. P then replied very dryly:'One field did!' Meaning surgery. But at what price?

What is very hard is to point out to a younger generation what the Great War and the second War did cause in these heck of the woods. How huge the impact was on the lives of many. Why? Because the many wars that are fought out here are not that touchable or visible and seem to rather taking place in a far off place. If I try to point out to my special ed audience that war is something that just can happen at any moment at any place and that you never know when and how it will end they will honestly tell me that they can't imagine it.

So yes, I still dragg them to places where there are leftovers to witness of destruction, pain and loss. As a teacher I never know what the outcome of thes field excursions are because I can't look into their harts or mind. There are the very rare moments that I hope that I might 'touch' or 'hit' something that a pupil will cary along for a life time. I have seen very 'cool' boys and very 'cheecky' teenage girls become very silent when they were suddenly confrontated with a war story. Yes, I saw the tears rolling down their cheeks. They were whiped of in a record time but I then knew that something 'changed'. It might be just for a split second but it did happen.

Also the story of Anne Frank is for most young people out there still a very accessible source to let them travel into the lives of a young person living in the word of war. But then it is still a gamble if they can transfer it to their lives that they are aware there are still soldiers, docs, mothers, kids and many other people who are at war out there in the world. People like you and me.

So yes, this twisted mind still purchases every year a poppy. And yes, I already have googled the 'last post' that is still daily played under the Menin Gate in Ypres. And yes, I already quoted some lines of some world famous poems of soldiers/poets who tried to put down in very sensible and touching words what war did to them and to the world. And yes, I will remember! AND NO I WILL NEVER FORGET!!!!

All Saints Day

2011-11-01T01:42:00.000-07:00

Today I will cuddle my godchild E & play with my cousins who will be thrilled they see each other after a long time. It will also be a day that my emotions will be tested because every year over and over I try to get through All Saints unharmed. Not that I do not think it is not useful to have such a day. A day to remember the loved ones who have exchanged their earthly stay for something different. But I just do not like it to be a day that makes me feel so down.

For years I have not gone out there on this day because I also do not like to hang out there while the half of the nation is close by. For me going to visit a grave is something I like to do in private. That the graveyard is more colorful thanks to the many flower arangements is a nice to experience but it does not take away the sadness, the grief and the painful memories. I can't manage to concentrate when I am there with others. I need to be on my own while I am out there. And believe me it is already quite a challenge to go there.

Why? Well, because it is at that exact spot that I do come to terms with what I have lost. And that it is something that can't be restored. Yes, I have already taken A along there because I want him to know who his grandfather was. He does call him 'bompa' and he likes to put flowers on the stones. At school he has been told what this day stands for and he has told me that he still misses our house cat Baziel who died a few years ago. I guess for a child of his age the death of an animal is still more serious then the death of person he just never knew. What does make sense.

Today I will be lightning a candle for all those people who I had to say goodbye to, who brightned up my life and managed to get a message across that makes my life more worth while to live. I have just not made up my mind yet if I want to walk by the grave of my dad. What I do know is that we are taking along sparkling wine, Trivial Pursuit, my computer to show my mum some nice pics (no she still has got no computer and no internet!) and my camera to take some shots of my family who I love a great deal.

'All Souls' (by Edith Wharton, two first verses)

A THIN moon faints in the sky o'erhead,
And dumb in the churchyard lie the dead.
Walk we not, Sweet, by garden ways,
Where the late rose hangs and the phlox delays,
But forth of the gate and down the road,
Past the church and the yews, to their dim abode.
For it's turn of the year and All Souls' night,
When the dead can hear and the dead have sight.

Fear not that sound like wind in the trees:
It is only their call that comes on the breeze;
Fear not the shudder that seems to pass:
It is only the tread of their feet on the grass;
Fear not the drip of the bough as you stoop:
It is only the touch of their hands that grope--
For the year's on the turn and it's All Souls' night,
When the dead can yearn and the dead can smite.

...

P.S.: Perhaps a very 'strange' choice of music to go along with this one. But then it was today the first music my iPod Nano gave me when I turned it on Shuffle. And yes, I would give everything to get one more day with many souls that are now out there where we can't touch or see them. That does hurt!

One Day

2011-10-26T00:38:00.000-07:00

I am almost there. A few more days and some very deep breaths and then it is mid term. One week then to just let go of the daily work related rummage. Seven days to fill up with activities and things that can create smiles on my face. A week ago I tempted to say that I got out unharmed. But it seems that once the report card were printed I just slipped away. But hey, I am fighting back.

One way in order to tackle this emotional crises is picking up once more books that seem to have been ignored for some obvious and less obvious reasons. And last night we had a winner when it comes down to letting Stallie landing back on her feet and giving into her real emotions. This one did let the words crawl under her skin and just go with the flow. It was such an intens moment that it even made me tremble. Not that I had not been warned about this book.

Not only the cover told me enough information but it was my friend N who almost had pushed this into my hands. She even seemed to have been surprised that I had not yet come across this one. N even used the word 'shame'! I stood there thinking that my boodlovers status was not holding up anymore. So I grateful accepted the copy she then handed me over and took it along home.

I have been spending quite some time in the world of books to make the distinguish between a good book and a read that touches your heart. The last ones are these books that stay with you even when you put them aside for a few hours or longer. These are the ones filled up with pages full of words that are put that delicately together that they manage to trigger something inside of you that is very strong.

It is the force that an author has to suddenly take you along to a trip of lifetime. He or she was so damn (pardon my French but this word is at it's place in this case!) good in puzzling together a story that just gets you hooked and then even manages to drift off to place where a story becomes so much more then 'just' a story. It becomes part of something extra ordinary it invades your mind and it is then booklovers perhaps can describe as a kind of 'book-nirvana'. The book will stick and this even long after the last page has been read or when you have stored it away on a shelf.

Booklovers out there will for sure know what I am talking about. Not that I can fully explain it to you but there are books that just can do something extra. Perhaps this is the league of books that have got the potential to be called a classic. After all when does a book become a classic? When does it have the potential to be read by human kind? When does it have the ability to get so much more said when you read between the lines? When is it a book in such a state published that it will always be with you? When are pages full of words that strong that they can touch your heart? When are you walking around with a copy that you just long to share it with other living souls?

Uhm, that is hard to say because what one thinks a good read might be the worst pages ever created by an author to an other person. But this one I just think belongs to be read by many of us. What is said or writen down by critics is mostly true about this one but you can only find out if you read yourself a book that does have this effect on you.

Well, today I finished one of those 'One Day' and the book just did all what many had promised me. It has entered my soul and touched me in an incredible way. The characters Emma and Dexter take you twenty years along in their 'seperate' lives. Perhaps not the most complex people you will ever come across on a page but in the simplicity of all the just become so much more at live. The dialogues suck you in a very profound way.

I can alrady tell you upfront that it will be very hard to put this one down. And that this is a book that will let you create wet cheeks. It wil also let you travel back into time and let you take a very good look at your own existence. It is a book that will make you feel alive and kicking. It are 435 pages that all have got the power to tell a true to life story.

Yes, I did need tissues to keep it dry. Yes, I wanted others to travel along with me while reading this one. Yes, I started to question my own walk of life, friendships and relationships. Yes, I did (and strongly do!!!) recommend others to read this one. Yes, I did drag along this book where ever I went. Yes, I even read this one standing and when I walked through hallways at work. Yes, this book has got at all to be called a damn good read?

One day you will pick up 'One Day' and you wonder why you did not sooner....

P.S.: Yes, the movie is also out of this one! Nope, I have not seen it yet but it is on my wish list but I am happy that I first read the real thing before moving on to the white screen Emma & Dex! And a great thank you to N!!!! You made me read a book that for sure made me feel more alive!

In case you want to get more into depth: One Day

Just One Of These Weeks

2011-10-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

Stallie had one of these weeks that she can not put a label on. One day was so so and the other was quite a disaster and the day after that went rather smooth. One moment I was trying to get through to a pupil who seemed to be lost in the teenage jungle, the next I had to try to come to terms with my own dark side and the following I was about to hit the ceiling because I had to skip ballet classes to fix a situation that I had not even had caused.

For the moment I am watching one of these cheesy romantic comedies staring one of Stallie her favorite actors. 'How to lose a guy in 10 days' with Matthew McConaughey who even wears tons of yummy blue shirts in this one what is always a winner to make me smile. The perfect movie to fill up my confusing Friday. I am trying to come to terms with a few things that are not that straight forward as they seem. Okay some of them are not that hard.

Like the papers I need to grade, the report cards that I need to fill up with grades and some very wise comments and some work sheets that I already have designed inside of my head. And top of the bill All of these are not that hard to tackle. Not that I can do them with my eyes closed but there are harder tings to take care of. Even my first major presentation I am facing on Monday as a GOK-teacher I seem to be able to handle quite well stress wise.

There are even some other things that invaded my mind and can make me go and on. Others have made them end up in there and it would be quite simple to blame them for invading my mind. But that would be not fair on any of those individuals because in most cases it is my caring mind that makes me do this.

Yes, I do care about so many things that the rather f*cked up world seems to ignore and yes I do pay attention when others seem to have a hard time and need attention. Even on that part was this week like an emotional roalercoaster but I have faith that next week around this time some of these things have been settled and many of us can take deep breaths. So that even is not fully to blame for was goes on in my mind.

No, there are other things that I just seem to have gained airtime in my mind. I have unleashed a brain storm. Not that it wasn't necessary but the moment that you let out the beast you also need to face the less upbeat music. So for the moment I feel a bit empty and is there lots of red tape comming out of my mind.

Yes,this week I even took care of my own dark side. The side that Yoda would have a hard time to get through. The force is then not that strong with Stallie. I had to let go this week and spit out in audible words what goes on in my mind. Not that I had not tried before but this was different. Does it help me forward? Uhm, hard to say. But then I felt ready to do so and it is not because I mostly try to fix things with a smile or whiping the tears away as soon as they appear that I do not have anger inside of me. So it was time to for once be not the strong one and show it all over.

Now at the end of this week Stallie is emotional exhausted but at the same time she knows that it is important to face the anger and put it under words. I took this week many deep breaths and did let go. My body is still fighting back but believe me I keep trying because I truly want to make this work.

Uhm, perhaps I do not make sense that much in this entry but then can I please be granted for once the opportunity to write an entry that seems to be not that straightforward. So thanks Bloggers for letting me use this white space to let it out and being able to go calm into the night and letting my mind land quietly on my pillow. Sweet dreams and have a wonderful weekend! Mine is going to be cold but very sunny.

P.S.: This scene made me LOL very loudly because P told me that this is not a professional therapist and I wondered how he knew? LOL And the picture? Well, that is partly the reason why Stallie keeps her real anger mostly to her self and then takes tons of breaths to make it pass.

Bitten By An Apple

2011-10-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I drove to work and the first thing that I did find out after turning on the radio was that Steve Jobs did pass away. Next to me was lying my iPhone and I was so tempted to call P. After all it is my other significant one who got my totaly adicted to Apple objects. And believe me he had to go the distance because I did had some reservations at the time. But then I decided that I was not going to as I wanted to be myself for a few minutes to reflect about what that news was going to have on the IT-world and to the Apple community in general.

It is very strange to witness what happens when an unique human beings exchanges the life on earth for the eternal haunting fields. At work only a few colleagues made a comment aboout Steve passing away. Only after work hours I did find out what was going on in the world who was trying to come to terms with this news. Okay, we all die. Steve Jobs was very aware about that fact. During the memorable Commencement speech he gave to the graduates of Stanford University he was very straight forward about that. And yes, he is right that even the people that look forward to go to heaven hate to having let go of the life they created down here.

When I got home P and I tried to read up on Steve, we both were still surprised what we found on the world wide web. On Facebook many statussen were to be found that could be linked to him and many posts were links to many memorable speeches, moments, objects, pictures. It seemed that this human being managed to touch the life of many.

Yes, the company who became a major player in the IT-world got boosted thanks to his creativity, stamina, love for beauty and simplicity and the urge to find something that is bit different but will make your life nicer in many ways found their way into our house. A loves to play games on the the rectangular with a touch screen and the first secret number combination he ever learned was the one he needed in order to unblock that awesome device.

I have a very close relationship with my white lap top who manages to stimulate my creativity and create new worksheets, blog entries and create picture albums and tweet away. I must admit that this computer has still not given away all its secrets but that it is because you do need to think differently about a computer when working on one of those. And iTunes in combo with my tiny square with imensely powers to save my music and tune up my life is for sure the best that every invested money in musis wise.

I am not going to tell you what the A-effect on P is. That is beyond words and only can be understood when you see it in action yourself. Sometimes it frightens me even a bit because P without an A-inspired object seems to equal insanity. I have seen P so many times happy when he got close to something with the most known apple on it.

Inspiring people seem to be able to leave behind an imprint on others their lives. Putting Steve Jobs in to a box is not something that can be easily done because he is for sure a league of his own. So yes, Steve Jobs will be missed in many ways but the legacy he left behind is for sure one that can make us think differently about many objects and subjects. And what he also managed to do was to make you look at the world with different eyes. Uhm, so every time when I see now P being busy and making a mess in the garage he might be on the verge to change the world for the better. Yeah right!!!

P.S: P asked me to send a message to rememberingsteve@apple.com like many did or will do the following days. These are the words I left in the name of the three of us behind in order to thank the person who made us take a big bite into an apple whose aftertaste ables us to stay hungry and foolish for a very long time.

Thanks for the times that you went against those who did say you might be wrong.
Thanks for the times that you noticed beauty in simplicity.
Thanks for the times that you were just the guy from around the corner when you talked about great inventions and memorable moments.
Thanks for the times that you choose for an apple above a pear.
Thanks for the times that you believed in others their ability to create something unique.
Thanks for the times that you stayed hungry and perhaps still a bit foolish.

We will in many objects that now have become part of our daily lives remember you.

Heaven awaits the arrival of a great genius.

Stallie ,P & our son A (7 years old) who all three got bitten by an Apple for a life time.

Rock Up That Zen Garden

2011-10-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

It is October and I am wearing sunny clothes. My skin feels rather warm, I am bare feet and my sunglasses are almost constantly on while I am outside. A few moments ago P drove with me through the hills of sunny Overijse where the last delicious grapes are hanging in the numerous greenhouses. It was a gorgeous view and I was drifting of to a place where I can come fully to rest. Today I sucked up all the vitamin D that I could in order to survive to wet and cold Autumn weather that is looming around the corner. Even this entry is typed while sitting outside and feelign a light breeze getting under my summer outfit. I LOVE THIS!!!

The month September was at work rater hectic but at the same time it did bring me some happy moments. Not that I am all over the moon. Just that teaching wise I managed to find back the paste that I need in order to function. Also are now most of the new faces already becoming regulars. Okay, I still manage to mix up some names but that makes others then produce smiles. Smiles that are genuine and can be oxygen for the brain.

Speaking of the brain. Mine is constantly going in overtime. Mindfulness was not on for a while but the last week I got the great help of the sun. It can play a very important part in finding back your innerself. It seems to fill up the whole sky and creates wonderful images that can make your heart smile. Even when you are having a major cold like me it seems to have the power to get you back in shape. Now my brain is back in a modus vivendi that I so much prefer to the one that can make me run out of energy. Okay, there are moments that I just am about to throw in the towel and just ran off to the North Pole where nobody easily can find me. This weather for sure helps to get Stallie back where she prefers to hang out once in a while.

Yes, I am the restless kind. I can panic when I can not find my car keys, or when I am running five minutes late for a dentist appointment, feel bad when I have to say no to people that I wish to help out more often then I possibly can, I can start to yell when P suddenly changes fixed plans for no obvious reason,..... Stallie then goes in overdrive and then even in the ballet studio the effect is noticable. I then forget that once I slip into my ballet shoes and have to create fluent movements that are in total harmony that my 'on-the-run'-mind will be 'punished' sooner or later.

Because yes, after a month Stallie is still going strong once she gets into the ballet studio. Sometimes I need to pull myself together to drive down there because it is facing also the fact that I am growing old. But ballet turns out to be an excellent way to unplug the mind-machine and just focus on what truely matters. I just need to pay attention that I then don't lose that focus out of sight. Because last week I just slightly turned a bit to much without 'spotting' on the orange cane that is not a xmas ornament standing out there. I ignored it and just went blindly out there. No focus what so ever. Result: by the time I got back a major migraine attack had found its way in and even made me end up on the couch with next to me a bucket for just in case....

I know damn well what I sometimes fail to do. Yes, I do know that I have got problems to let bygones be bygones. My mind can be triggered at the most awkward moments, places and occasions. What it does to me is not always fun to watch because then I am just not the happy teacher, mother and life companion or friend that I wish to be 24/24. It is then that I sometimes despise myself.

It is not that I have not find yet the puzzle pieces to my own personal character-puzzle. But there are some unresolved issues that I just first have to come to peace with. And not just five minutes of a day, or when I am enjoying a good meal at a romantic restaurant or when I am catching shrimps (felt like I was out in one of these Zen-gardens!) at the bay of the Somme or when P opens op the roof of his shiny sports car and takes us out for nice ride,.... Nope! I want to be able to make it work for most of the time. I want my personal mantra to work efficiently and in times of hardship. I just seem to have forgotten that this costs also energy and time.

Today I decided to close my eyes when I was outside and just empty my mind and just let go. What I found was an amazing feeling that I would like to bottle up and then save it for the more gloomy, dark, cold and wet days that are heading my way. I would love to have it in case of an emergency. A magical mindfulness Elixer so to speak.

But perhaps that is just a bit to much to ask for. For now I am going to have to settle for a Zen garden in mini version. So do not be surprised if I suddenly put up a small tray with sand, small rocks and a rack. I just then want to be on my own and drift off in order to find sense of order and a spirit of stillness and calm. You are always welcome to join up with a rack of your own but please stay out of my way or I might hit you with a rock. Oeps, seems that I am still not calmed down!

P.S.: Yes, such a tiny Zen garden would be a perfect gift for many of us. Including me! Hint, hint, hint! P are you by any chance reading along? In case you wonder what this zen garden looks like:

P.S2: I listen sometimes to music that calms me down and Gregorian music can do that to me. This is rather the modern version of some older pop songs. Some of us will consider it a kind of 'rape' but it is the sound that counts and that can make me get into my medidation mode.

The Rebound

2011-09-18T11:11:00.001-07:00

Outside the daylight is already getting less time to show off and today I got so cold that I was tempted to make hot coco with tiny marsh mellows in it. This in order to find back the warmth. Instead I tried to pick up some heat that was coming out of my computer or I let A crawl up on my lap and asked him to hang out in a bit longer with me. I also tend to spend then a bit longer time in front of the television with P.

Like for the moment P&A are watching their weekly portion of car fun. 'Top Gear' is on and then I tend to let the two of them bound on the couch. Not that I will not watch along but it is just cute to see them both get into the whole thing. A will comment on how fast the cars seem and will cheer on the Stig when he test races a new fast car. P seems to be on a different planet for about 60 minutes. One where I just do not seem to exist. There are even moments that I think that he is imitating the noises the engines are making. I told him this week that if I would behave the same way about books and handbags that he would kick me out. He appeared not to agree with me!

But the highlight of our TV weekend was the movie 'Rebound'. P had made me change channels after we saw how journalist Russell Crow (gosh smelling a story and going after the facts seems so much more excited then what I do at a daily basis!)and Ben Affleck (politics, power and money are a deadly combination when it comes down to friendship) in action. I was tempted to call it the night after that 'State of Play' but P convinced me by telling me that was going to a 'nice' one to watch.

P & I differ in many ways and also when it comes down to our preference of movies. So I was sceptic! Especially when I saw Mrs Douglas filling up the screen. Catherine Zeta Jones plays in this one a mature divorcee with two young children finding back the right paste in her live. In my honest opinion was the synopsis P gave me not the most promising one. But I stayed put and did crawl under a nice blanket to keep the cold out of my system. And thankfully I did.

I am not going to give you away everything but I even started to note down oneliners. The best was when P&I started to LOL at the exact same moments or when I saw P almost crawling over the couch. We both were totaly relaxed and got into this nice littly story of two people falling in love. Okay one does look like he still has got to graduate from high school and the other did for sure got some plastic surgery done to still look like that after all that time.

The thing is that we perhaps all once have been on the rebound and that even some of us are in the process of moving out of somewhere to get things back in order. Not that I think that most of my friends who have decided to move on without the man they first embarked with on the life cruise but then decided to disembark are searching now for a younger lad to share their lives with. This story is about so much more then just two 'lost' people who find out where they belong.

Yes I must say that the character Aram is my type of guy. He reads Harry Potter, can entertain children by goofing around, watches 'Top Chef' in order to pick up ideas for a nice dinner and can sing a song before bed time. A very hard guy to resist. P his best comment was when the end credits where rolling over the screen:'Hey, do you get this? Why are they broadcasting such a cute movie at such a late hour? Is it because of the 25 having intercourse with a 40 year old? She does look 25 herself in this one!'

Last night we had a very good night on the couch and we think that Sandy and Aram do deserve to fill up a cold, wet and windy Autumn night.

P.S.: And because it is a bit stronger then myself, just a few oneliners to get you into this one:

- 'What a nanny??? You are not from Trinidad but from upper Manhattan!'
- 'You have got a perfect posture!' (the best compliment you can get from a chiropractor on a first date!)
- 'I love theories! They make me all horny!'
- 'Don't you want to travel around the world, go crazy, rock Cleveland?'

Breakout

2011-09-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

Stallie did cheer in front of her television when she saw Jonathan Borlée racing past his brother. It might have been not their best race but it was for sure kind of nice to see the two come in first and second. Winning the 400m on the night of the Memorial Vandamme is for a Belgian for sure memorable. Jonathan must have felt quite relieved that he can still show off with those 'sexy' legs of his even when his fast brother is running in a lane next to him. They seem both to get the best out of themselves. These two do not paralyse when an other suddenly seems to speed up things. Tonight they both got wings. The smiles they showed while the flash lights went of where kind of nice to look at while recovering of this rather tiring last week.

First of all the news that there is for the very first time some real break through when it comes down to Belgian politics. BHV is on paper split up. It might not matter to you but it does to me. I can not fully explain to you what these three letters stand for because that would take more then 50 years. But I live in the constituency Brussel-Halle-Vilvoorde and it became time that Brussels was going solo when it comes down to electoral votes. Stallie has a very outspoken personal meaning about all this political circus. But I agreed with all Flemish parties that something needed to be done about BHV.

It might have been taking over 400 days to make all political parties understand that you sometimes need to make changes in order to make things better. Even if it is going to hurt or that you will need to work harder. Okay, I still have not gotten out the bottle of bubbles to celebrate because this is just the first hurdle they had to take in order to form a federal government. But at least it is a break through and a promising one.

Today I ended up in a state of mind that I did wish that there had been a major break through in a meeting room. There are some things that I wish to change for the better where I work. Because let us be honest nothing is perfect and most things need once in a while to be adjusted. The world is not static and I don't think that you always can leave things like you are used to them because it is a habit or that it suits you best. When you are responsible for others their future you do need to think ahead and perhaps take a risk once in a while.

Stallie needs sometimes a 'break out' to make her feel good about her job. I am sometimes surprised how people can differ on that part. In general I do get along with most of my coworkers. People who are highly qualified and have many talents to use in order to educate kids who seem to have a less easy time out there on the learning frontier. My job place is in many ways for sure a very nice place to send your troubled child to.

But there are moments that I do feel a bit lonely in a filled up room. Then chances are likely that some of the following sentences chase by: why does my heart rate goes up? Why is it that my blood presure is higher then this morning when I was about to get hit by a white van? Why do I not fully agree with the person next to me who seems to think that everything is just fine and does not need to be changed? Why I seem not to feel the strength for the moment to speak up my mind? Why do they use less friendly words? What are they afraid of? What makes them use such language? What is the point of this discussion? What will be different when I leave this room?... I can go on for hours what goes on in Stallie her mind.

So yes, for the moment this teacher wants to breakout. I am very much tempted to even agree with the fact that our 'resigning' (most be the longest resignation period ever in world history by now) prime minister decided to take an other job. Yves said not yes to a glass of Uzo but a very clear yes to the OESO. And he does admit that he does like this kind of job.

So Yves decided to dive into a think tank and hopes that the economical advices that he and his fellow thinkers come up will be taken seriously. I do wish him all the luck because even on that part there are not guarantees. Perhaps he should take along some bottles of Uzo in case that he seems to have the impression that people do not take him serious or that nobody listens to him. The Greecs might be grateful to him because every bottle they sell now might now make their National deficit a bit smaller. Perhaps I should as well get that bottle out but then don't you think that a Cuba Libre will be eassier to force a real mind breakout? Cheers!!!!

Today I ....

2011-09-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

Today I said goodbye to a very special person.
Today I entered one of those places where my heart can hurt.
Today I cried and smiled.
Today I overcame grief in order to speak out loud some very meaningful words.
Today I listened to many meaningful words of others.
Today I hold hands, kissed and hugged.
Today I searched for the right words but not always found them.
Today I whispered comforting words into ears of people I deeply care about.
Today I prayed for many but also for my own sake.
Today I saw tears in the eyes of friends and strangers.
Today I felt helpless and lonely in a filled up church.
Today I touched wood but felt so much more then that.
Today I walked in the sun and felt the wind blow in my face.
Today I whipped my face dry.
Today I gave into many emotions.
Today I tried to be strong.
Today I met up with silence...dead silence.
....
Today I attended a funeral.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+13&version=NIV

P.S.: Yes, today a young mother (who happens to be one of my closest friends!) said goodbye to her amazingly nice mother. And yes, there was in front of the church standing a real lady whose words touched me.

Ballet Come-Back

2011-09-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

YES!!Stallie did it! Today I took the final hurdle to get back into ballet studio. I signed up for classes. I managed to drive today to Leuven to sign up for this. There are many reasons why I seem not find the energy and the right mental climate to put back on my ballet shoes and dance away.

For years I did stay away of anything ballet related. Even listening to ballet music made me feel less upbeat. In a way my body even kept me away of even trying to move on music. The day that I got from under the scanner and the radiologist told me that it was very obvious what was causing all the pain in my back (double hernia) I kind said farewell to ballet shoes.

I also got rid of most things that were linked to ballet. One day I even found out that I had been very radical about the ballet clean out. I had thrown away everything that I could even associate with world of pointes and tutus. Also the ballet statue that my parent had given me as a gift I had stored away in a spot where the sunlight wasn't able to touch.

What made me go back? Well that is a very long and personal mind voyage. I can not share this with you on paper because you have not been with me when I drifted off. The pilgrimage I was on was incredible intens. There have been moments that I was about to call the whole thing off. To give in and 'kill' what was left of of my urge to make a comeback on the dancefloor. For a long time it seemed that I had locked out the ballet shoes and that I not felt 'well' enough to give them some space in my life. In a way the hernia was perhaps only 'an exuse' because there were some other more mind blocking reasons why I decided to keep the ballet studio shut.

I won't be able to dance all the moves that I was able to perform when I was younger. Painful muscles will be involved by putting on back my ballet shoes and trying to bend my feet in the correct position. I will have to empty my head and let the music take over my soul.

And yes, I am nevous and excited at the same time for my first lesson. The moment that I will grab for the barre and have to go from first to second position and have to bend my back I hope to feel what I have missed for such a long time. And when I then will face the mirror I hope to take a very good look at myself. What I hope to see and feel that I do know very well. For once I am going to be happy that it is a Monday. Because starting this Monday this will equal ballet classes! So in case you do notice me dancing instead of walking then is it because I am practising my moves.

There are some people that kind of helped/pushed/cheered me on in order to get back into that 'lost' dancing mode. Thanks to these people I will dare to unlock that last lock that I did put on my 'dancing' heart. It did cost some time, energy and faith in order to slip back in that outfit and daring to look back into that huge mirror. So thanks mum & sis (cheering me on and getting me back dressed for my comeback), my brother and his daughter A (seeing her dance at her first public performance made me believe it was possible!), F (salsa music, moves and cocktails will always help to feel the passionate rhytme out there!!), A (those needles help me to focus on what truely matters!), H&B&C (I can not fully explain but believe me you all 3 helped!!!) you for sure did make this happen. Of course there are many others who have told me that ballet was not something of my past and that it was still in reach. So all of you: thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

P.S.: Of course I also need to thank A who seems to have found out that music is a great tool in order to make your body move around. Yes, he and I dance around through the house. His moves can make me smile and he did think it was 'cool' that his mum is going back!!! Dancing with my son is one of the best moments of the day!

Education Matters

2011-09-03T01:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, they are back! Almost every single one of the ones who made the promise to come back to our school made it in. We are still growing and there is even the sensation that our school is getting to small. But many were happy to see that number wise we are doing great.

I am very aware of the fact that I am a teacher and that teachers have the tendency to take some things so serious! Even themselves! Sometimes have a hard time to take risks once in a while. Teachers try to be prepared and want to create the perfect setting in order to stimulate success. Not only their own but in the first place enable their audience to get a good result. So this involves thinking, planning, doubting and even some 'failing'.

Like every year also the written press did some educational coverage about the educational world before school started. It is then that we suddenly can relocate our minister of education. Who seems to have been hibernating for quite some time! Mnay of us you do not need to be best friends with your big boss. Personally I do not wish to be one of his followers on Twitter and I do not aim to get on his Facebookpage. To be honest I even have never checked out if he is even on one of these social networks. No need for that!

But I do care about the fact what this person his future plans are. I have a very outspoken opion when it comes down to education. Me being a special ed teacher does enable me to get into a different level of thinking about many educational matters. Not always the most fun level. In our school we are confrontated daily with how society works, what is expected of a person. In all my years of teaching I have seen some changes that do sometimes scare me a bit.

Yes, education is one of the cornerstones of society. That schools are needed to teach youngsters some very important fact about the real life out there is now so obvious. Many of the things I do teach my pupils I did myself not pick up from a teacher. No in that 'ancient' time it were rather other people who seem to have been 'playing' teacher.

Still more and more it seems to me that society expects of that educators to 'solve' or 'fix' many issues before they cause turmoil. In many cases it seems to be teacher who can and will be blamed for not having dealt enough with a certain subject or skill. That now many seem to have the impression that the the pupils we grant a diploma are of a 'less' quality is in my honest and humble opinion a bit of too harsh conclusion.

Now, please do not think that only numbers matter in a school. Although I have the urge to say that in our present world a number seems to be so much more important then quality. In society you seem to be constantly fighting against the power of the number. But in the educational world that seems not to hold up.

The world we live in today is so much different then the one I went to school in. In the last 15 years the educational world has made a quantum leap. Education is one of the children's rights. Every human being that steps into this world has been given the right! It is not something for the happy few anymore. The time that only the upper class could write and read is for sure the defenitive past. Still in education there will always be smarter and less smarter kids.

It is utopia to think that you can create a society in which all kids will develop in the same direction and at the same level. What is very hopeful is to see that in the last five years main stream schools seem to be able to make many children stay in a 'normal' school. One look at my teaching audience and I can tell you that my special ed kids are also from a different league then a decade ago.

Last weekend I sat at a table with all grade school teachers. They were buzzing with energy and it was so much fun to just feel the energy. I did make me feel hopeful that many of these people seem to have the heart at the right place in order to be educators. They did not complain one single moment about something that was ahead of them. These were all young people who are fully aware of the complex mission they are on.

When I told them that I was a special ed teacher one of them made the remark that this must be kind of hard and challenging. 'Yes, it is!', I said and at the same time my shoulders went up like I wanted to tell at the same time:'So what?' But then I added:'Yeah what we get in seems to be different then in the past but this means that the kids you teach are a more complex group. It seems to me that the plan to keep all children as long as possible in a 'normal setting' to learn and live' does seem to work.'

Perhaps not that many people take an honest look at what the 'real problems to tackle in the educational environment nowdays. Still most school globaly lack funding! They have to be very creative in order to make end meet. The money box seems most of the time empty and so schools adminastrators and principals are never fully content when it comes down to finances.

Most principals feel sometimes helpless when they take one look at the building they have to welcome into pupils. Well, when I was student teaching in the school where I still happen to teach (I can not seem to leave that place! ;-))) the principal always told parents when they signed up their kid in our school:'When you chose for this school you do not chose for the setting you chose for the staff I have hired!'

Yes, we moved now to a nicer setting. The building is grant and many visitors are kind of envious of the place. But I can tell you if inside that building not motivated and inspiring people teach, think, count, clean, learn, curse, joke around, yell, fool around, plann, coordinate, and foremost care about others their wellbeing then even the nicest school would not function. And yes, yesterday one Junior did once more point out that it matters to her a great deal what teacher she will 'stuck with' I did smile because she is damn right.

Education matters but you do it together and not just inside a schoolbuilding. Once a kid walks out the gate it does hope that it find the opportunities that have been promised to them and that they can practice what they have been taught. Because only practice can and will make perfect.

P.S.: How many of you were thinking that the kids in this clip were up to something bad? Even I did when I saw this for the very first time. Prejudice it is still out there in the world. Be honest here! ;-))

I Promise Myself

2011-08-31T01:56:00.000-07:00

My summer break is coming to an end and I welcoming soon new and already 'old' pupils in my classroom. It is the first time in a very long time that I did not make a list of things that I want to keep up in the following 10 months. Why? Well, because I think the one I made up last year was actualy a damn good one. And after rereading that entry and evaluating the year that did pass I came to conclusion that these are basically still the same things that I need to pay attention to.

Yes, I managed to keep up the list. Not in a perfect way. My class room is still one of the most messy places to hang out as a teacher who likes everything spic and span. But there are people who did notice some changes about me. Or just that I seem to be able to be a bit more relaxed when it comes down to a few things. I seem to have found a way of dealing with some work related things.

So here you can find a link to one of my previous entries. To me that list does stand for a lot. It is my personal manual to survive ten months of educational fun! I also hope that you once more will be able to feel the effects of this list. If not then please be so kind and remind me of this entry. It could make the difference!

As life goes by: School & Life Essentials: Like mentioned before I have this thing going for lists! Not that I am obsessed with them and most of the time they end up being rather ...

Celebrating Love And Happiness

2011-08-29T13:46:00.001-07:00

It is almost back like I want to sense it: the urge to write and create lines on paper. I haven been thinking a lot lately about many things. This is not good for Stallie due to many reasons. I can get so wrapped up in my thaughts that I then forget about other more urgent and important matters. But once I am on that roalercoaster it is very hard to get off.

But due to some very emotional events I did manage to focus again. The many smiles and tears that were involved in these intens moments I do carry now in my heart. I also have come to realise more then ever that life is very fragile and that every special moment you get to celebrate you have to enjoy at the fullest.

Last weekend I ended up with my family in a nice venue to celebrate my uncle's 90th birthday. An uncle I truely love! His life story does make me become very aware of the fact that we as humans are on a mission and need to use our talents wisely. But also need to make time to enjoy life. It was nice to just sit there surrounded by my own family who seems to be doing quite well. A was having the time of his life by checking out every corner of the place with two brothers in crime and P just was himself by trying not to talk work with one of my cousins. While I was sipping of a glass of sparkles I just felt happy. While holding on to my god child E, wearing a blue and white polka dot dress (yes, I dare to wear dresses again!), I just tried to suck up the energy that this special moment was echoing.

That day I ended up at a wedding as well. I had to go by myself because P was on a call. But I realy wanted to celebrate this special moment with these special friends who also have taught me something important things about life. Going by yourself to a wedding is not always that fun because you might not know that many people. At the same time it is the opportunity to observe all the friends and family that the happy copple considers special to celebrate life with.

Stallie ended up that night quite some moments on the dancefloor. I was so amazed to see that many people out there and not just for a few minutes. It was quite a pleasant view to see so many happy people move on music. Including myself! Yes, I had a great time out there. By the time I drove home I felt very zen and in balance. Okay, I still have got some worries going on in my mind but I did feel happy at that exact moment.

In a way I wrapped up my summer by celebrating life at the fullest depth with people that I love and care about. The last two months were perhaps not the most sunny ever and yes, I had my less moments as well. Mindfullness was sometimes hard to find when you were around me at a less cheerful moment. My mind was not on a break this summer on many fronts. But while I kissed my uncle and the happy couple I did feel so much alive and blessed.

My summer was not the most sunny of all and this of course also infected my mind. Lots of tropical storms got under my skin. Restless I was and had the constant feeling I was sitting at a busstop waiting for a ride that was never going to come. Stallie seemed to have been experiencing 'Waiting for Godot'-feeling. What I am waiting for? I can not put my finger on but perhaps many of us do have this sensation going on in their lives at a certain moment. This summer it was my turn.

Every morning when I got out of bed and took a look at the grey sky I was so much tempted to get back into bed and wait till the sun would come out. But then I would have missed out so much. The happiness and the sadness were for sure real and even without the sun they have managed to make me feel more alive then ever. I just did not have to write about it as much because I just lived the moment and went with the flow.

Okay, the human race is not industructible, it has got it's darker side as well and it can cause pain and destruction but I have seen in many places the power of love and happiness and that then still creates hope. Hope that I need to get through the more painful moments that are ahead of me. When I drove home that night and got lost in Brussels I was not in a panic like I usually do. Suddenly I felt so alive that I was ready to scream it out. This song happened to be on while driving under Koekelberg (the biggest chathedral of Brussel with a tunnel complex under it that makes you shiver when you do not know your way around in the captial)and made the ride hime more agreeable.

I realize that celebrating special moments do matter and that when you get invited that you do need to make time and seize the opportunity. It are these special moments that can give you some extra energy, can suddenly make you see things clear again! And because you only are granted one shot at this life-adventure are highlights so important to celebrate or to be grateful for all the people who not only share the bad times with you but also the good times. So ladies and gentleman do please take the time to celebrate life because then you are prepared for when the going gets tough to keep on going.

To Write OR Not To Write?

2011-08-17T00:41:00.000-07:00

I have not been on the last few weeks. There are many excuses that I could use here in order to explain why. Still, that would not justify totally why I have not used blog space to put down my daily thoughts, emotions, opinions and feelings. There is perhaps only one and that is that I for the moment I just kind of not feel like writing.

In my previous post I mentioned the word 'writer's block'. Well, that is the major reason why the last few weeks I seem to stay away from here. I did try and there are enough topics to write a few lines about. Major things happened, are happening and will happen in the weeks to come. Just Stallie did not feel in the best shape to write an entry about these things.

I must say that while surfing along many of my blogs this summer I did find out that there were also some fellow colleagues suffering of the same 'disease'. From what I have read in the past did even the best authors once had to battle this monster. There are even written books about it and some well known film dealing with. Stallie does her research before she writes about something and this even about not being able to write!

What I did find out was that quite a list of fictional people dealing with the inability to put a 'sensible' word down on paper. Even one of my favorite TV-authors Castle seems to encounter it when he kills of one of his main characters. Suddenly the brain just seems to stop functioning in the way you are used. Something has changed. You can not put your finger easily on it. It might just gotten under your skin because you are so wrapped up in other things.

Every time you then ti decide to give it an other try you just give into an other drive. The drive to just let the moment pass to put it down in the written word. This urge is not a pleasant one. Even causes you pain and heart ache. It makes you doubt your ability to create something worthwhile that will be read by others. Words seem not to be strong enough to echo long enough to make it on paper. Like the puzzle pieces that you are trying to put together do not fit together. Only fragments are lingering around in your mind. Pieces that will never give enough satisfaction to ease the hunger when you glue together words. The sentences are not strong enough to stand the test of time.

For the moment I am kind of letting the blockage of the mind take its course. It still does not frighten me because since a few days I manage to get my head around many things that I need to get back into the writers mood. The summer seems just not have been the right 'climate' to create new stories. You will just have to take my word for it that I did have a good summer to take a break of writing. To go with the flow and sometimes just enjoy the silence that a blank page does send out.

Does this now mean that Stallie will not be back for an other while and is planning to take a longer break? Well, I can't say because honestly this is not something that I had planned to happen. Some of my friends are already wondering. One of my closer friends did even point out that Twitter might be the evil force behind this blockage.

The thing is that I do believe that there is a reason why for the moment my keyboard is producing less words. When I was travelling or with friends I have sucked up many things that I can and might write about. Just not now! Right now I am taking a break. A break that I feel is coming soon to an end. Not only because me being a teacher will force me back to come out into open space. No, I do know quite well how to get back into the writer's mood. And it is quite simple but I just need to make some extra effort. It is called: meditation.

I have kind of failed the last few weeks in keeping this one up. Just seem to have 'forgotten' about my daily mind exercise. For a few weeks now I skipped that few minutes of being totaly by myself. Why? Uhm,.... Well, euh.... Let me keep it simple: I just did not find the right balance in order to sit out there and facing my innerself. The minute that I did try my body seem to fail me or was it the other way around?

The 'Mindfullness for Dummies' book that is resting next to my bed might bring some help. All I need to do is starting again believing in the power of that exercise. It has already proven its benefits on many fronts in my daily existence. So yes, I do know the way out of this messed up word jungle I just need to start believing once more in the power of my inner strength.

So ladies and gentlemen, do not worry I am not planning to just check out of the world of bloggers or the written word in general. I just need to find back my paste and my intens urge to write. It has not been killed. No, do not send out yet any search warrant for Stallie. I just ask you to be a bit patient with me. In case you wish to help me then lightning a candle or saying a mantra might help me to find back my center. But please be so kind not to ask me to write down this mantra because I have got no clue what so ever what the exact word in what exact order are. You see, it is still there....the monster is still there....but I'll be back. I hope....

P.S: In the mean time I am going to watch some of these movies that are out there about people dealing with this writer's disease. This one is for sure on my list:

'Berliner Luft Tut Gut'

2011-08-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

'Berlin was just great! Berlin got under my skin! Berlin took my breath away! Berlin was just what the doctor prescribed!', were a few of the sentences that I used when people asked me about my trip to Berlin. City trips are always kind of tiring because the moment you put down your feet on the unknown ground of a place that still hides many treasures time starts ticking.

Alexander Platz, Friederichstrasse, Sony Center, Reichstag, Potsdamer Platz, Neue National Galerie, Hackesche Höfe, Monbijoupark, Fernsehturm, Brandenburger Tor, Holocaust Denkmal, many red and green 'Ampelmännchen', Unter den Linden, Schloss Charlotttenburg, Kurfürstendamm, Kaiser-Wilhelm Gedächtniskirche,..... I can go on for ever to just tell were we all passed by or checked out. We broke our personal record on that trip of miles in one day.

It just happened to be a coincidence that my mum and I happened to chose Berlin as our holiday destination in the year that Germany is commemorating the building of that one monument that broke up the place in a 'light' side and a rather 'dark' side. For many people it must have been also wall that kind of split up their minds.

My mum seemed also a bit obsessed with that wall and she was always searching all over the place for hidden differences. It is not that simple anymore to find the exact line where you can cross over and feel what people must have felt like at the time. Travelling with a parent at an adult age is for sure different then when you are a kid. My mum and I were not on a maiden voyage but it is still always a bit daring to board a plane and fly of an unknown destination with the one person who taught you so many things about life.

Highlights of our Berliner trip were numerous and the list is to long and distinguished. Because I do not wish to take to much time up from you just a few ones that will be linger around in my mind when the word Berlin will pop up.

- Flying high in the sky and seeing a blue sky after having to face grey and wet weather for over three weeks. My mum was impressed with the smooth touch down that the pilot managed and the temperatures at the ground made her even smile more.

- Having an amazing breakfast buffet to chose from in the morning after having slept in a very nice design room. Most surprising corner of our comfortable room was the toilet. 'Do you know that book 'room with a view'?, my mum asked me after she had checked out the room. 'I think in this case we are dealing with this when we are in there!', while the pointed at the toilet.

- Getting lost in Berlin. Stallie can not read a map and the more she tries the harder it gets to get back on the right track. Even the metro system of Berlin did take a while to get used to. My mum had to calm me down once in a while when we once again ended up in the wrong direction. Roadworks even made it only worse.

- Meeting up with the locals and speaking lots of German. We both speak quite well German to get around in Berlin without making a fool of ourselves. But when I ordered 'Senfeier', thinking I ordered those typical german sausages but got eggs in a creamy mustard sauce I can tell you that I started to head bang and felt that all those years of German did not pay of.

- Standing, walking, sitting, dreaming away and zooming into places that I had seen so many times in all these German movies and series that I know from television. It was so strange to stand there on Potsdamer Platz or Alexander Platz and suddenly link it to so many images that you once saw on television. My mum had a very hard time trying to picture the wall or at least the left overs. One time she even pointed at one of these threshold for cables and said:'Look S, that is where the wall stood!' LOL

- Coping with gigantic pieces of 'Kuchen'. At KaDeWe (Kaufhaus Des Westens, the Harrods of the mainland) the unthinkable happened: Stallie did not finish her cake. I just sat there and felt beaten by a piece of cake. How low can you go? Berlin was winning the battle of cakes with Stallie. They must have been thinking:'Stallie eat that and you will know what cake is all about.' I wonder if Kennedy knew that he was safe to pick out a Berliner when he was speeching. Those are rather tiny compared to the size I had to face and digest. And then I have not mentioned the notorious Curry Wurst that I had to face. Size does matter when it comes down to German sausages.

- Dreaming away in front of modern and older art. Yes, the Germans kind of managed to collect quite some nice pieces of art during (war-)time. My favorite you can see here above. Casper David Friederich manages to let me dive into a moment that he so delicately tried to depict with well chosen colors and the right brush movements. Still there were so many statues, paintings and pictures that I encountered on this trip that made me feel so much more alive. And this in their rather frozen status made me travel along to an other world that must have been cut of the world that they called the 'West'.

- Having tons of goosebumps moments with top of the bill passing under the Brandenburger Tor and not hitting a wall. The sun was setting and Berlin was still going strong but I felt my skin turning cold. That day we also did find out that you can not always freely walk into a building. We were denied access to German Parliament because we had not registered three days ahead. My mum made kind of a scene in front of the security staff. 'Sicherheitsgrunden! Dass machen wir seit die Anschlägen', was the answer of a very friendly police man that was guarding a smaller door of Parliament.

- Shopping therapy in the many secret alleys we got lost in. Most special buy/gift of this trip was my mum getting me dressed in this awesome dance store. It was a very tensed moment to slip into a very colorful dance atire and leather ballet shoes after that many years. I do not have any excuses anymore when it comes down to signing up for ballet classes. Stallie crossed in Berlin a line that she kept away from for such a long time. Berlin was the perfect place to take one of the last hurdles. Like I was mentaly crossing from the West to East during this trip.

- Taking care of my feet while my walking shoes made me cross this very exceptional city all over was not that simple. So that made me then end up in a place of ultimate bliss where that my two feet got the royal treatment. Thanks to the expertise of a woman by the name of Susanne Kaufmann and her staff my feet are ready for an other run around the globe. In case you are looking for the perfect wellness address in Berlin. This is the spot to go into hiding and come back out reborn!

- Trying to act like the locals. I am a big fail on that part. My camera and guidebook give me away in a split second. My mum at other hand can easily fool you. Again she gave freely away her opinion about how people were dressed, talked and acted. Nicest moment I was able to witness is when she sat out there in the garden of the impressive Jewish museum in a red beach chair wearing her sun hat and glasses and enjoyed tremendously the sun. And this among some of the locals who seemed to agree with here that this was the perfect place to enjoy the free air and blue sky.

- Flying back home in the company of some nice English guys who just returned from a stag night. Before I knew we were the most loudest people on board. P who turned out to be quite good with numbers payed me some very nice compliments on my language knowledge. When then his friend M forced him out of his seat we started to LOL:
M:'Is that your mum?'
S:'Yes!'
M:'Well, you are such a stylish and smart lady!'
My mum then LOL and her cheeks turned as red as a glass of Kriek beer
By the time we landed back on Belgian soil we had made some new friends and were invited for a beer. We of course declined but my mum suggested they should drink 'La Chouffe'. 'They might then end up seeing dwarfs!', my mum whispered to me before they were heading for the bar.

While wandering through Berlin I managed to take a very good look at my mum and me. We are for sure not identical if it comes down to many things. In many ways she can still surprise me. While I was zooming into many places and also once in a while into the face of my mum it sometimes hit what a 'special' person my mum is. I am very grateful to her in many ways. That she once more managed to travel with me and helped to create new memories that I will cherish for a very long time I do for sure appreciate. Going on a voyage with my mum means that I take my conscience along and that is sometimes very confrontating but at the same time it makes me reconnect.

On top of that I have been contemplating a great deal about many things that kind of split me up in two sides. I am a thinker and I do need sometimes to be alone to come back to my senses. Stallie is constantly on the run and knows that she can run out of breath when she just forgets to take deep breaths. While standing under Brandenburger Tor I met up with me, myself and I. So yes, Berlin was this summer the perfect city to hang out at in state I am.

When I was in the Jewish museum I was given the chance to put down in words what equal rights mean to me as a woman. Because until the year of 1953 German women lost citizenship if they married a foreigner. This is what I wrote down on that little card: 'That when a woman makes a certain choice she does not have to fight in order to keep up her pride and can stay true to herself without prejudice of 'man'-kind.'

So now I am back home but the big difference is that Berlin now stands for much more then a 'Berliner' that I can by at my bakery. I was told by many that Berlin is a very fascinating place and that you need more then one trip to get your head around. Well, they were right.

P.S.: Every day I met this very fascinating performer by the name Max Raabe. Well, do you know the feeling when you hear a song for the very first in a different language and just love it and link it for ever with a city you fell in love with. Well that is what Max did with me! Yes, kissing is one of these things you can only when you are with two!!! Stallie saw many kissing people while wandering through Berlin.

Max Raabe & Palast Orchester - Küssen Kann Man Nicht Alleine (2011) - Muziek & Entertainment - 123video

P.S.2: And for those wellness princesses out there who wish to know where Susanne is hiding out in Berlin, just copy and paste this: http://berlin.unlike.net/locations/303095-Susanne-Kaufmann-Spa

Berlin is calling

2011-08-02T01:13:00.000-07:00

Italienischer Sommer in Berlin

Wenn die hochstehende Sonne
seit Tagen das
heiße Erdreich regiert
und Italiens Glut uns längst schon
ein lästiger Gast,
wenn der Bus zum Backofen wird
und der Wind aus
dem Sonnenfeuer kommt,
wenn der Schatten zur Zuflucht wird
und ein Straßenmusikant
im Park unter
mächtigen Bäumen spielt,

wenn dein Leib nach den Abendstunden
ruft und späte
Biergärten Oasen sind,

wenn die Frauen Schönheit offenbaren und
Herren in kurze Hosen sich wagen,
wenn alte Damen mit Schirmen
sich schützen,

wenn selbst der Fahrtwind nicht frischt
und eine Dusche zum
Paradiese wird,
wenn die Menschen nach des Tages Last
ohne Decken ruhn
und erst die Abkühlung einer klaren
Nacht ihre durchsonnten Leiber
wieder ins Gleich=
gewicht zu bringen vermag ...

... dann ist Sommer:
herbeigesehnt
und durchlitten und durchfreut!

© August Sonnenfisch, 2001

Das große Tor

Du stehst vor einem großen Tor
so wunderschön wie nie zuvor
Du kannst jetzt einfach so durch geh´ n
vorbei die Zeit, Du darfst nicht geh´ n

Du häst´ fast nicht daran geglaubt
für Dich durch geh´ n einmal ist erlaubt
und in den kalten Kriegen Zeiten
standest Du am Tor, von beiden Seiten

Nur stand die Mauer noch davor
an diesen einen großen Tor
Du kannst zu jeder Tageszeit
durch dieses Tor und es ist weit
geöffnet für die Friedenszeit
denn "Gott sei Dank", der Krieg ist weit

Er ist nun endlich Vergangenheit
nach all der langen kalten Zeit
Genießt nun jeden Schritt für Schritt
wenn Du durch dieses Tor jetzt trittst

© Leddes

Yes, Stallie also speaks German. These are two poems I came across before taking off for Berlin. I can't wait to 'feel' this rather exceptional place that for a while was split in two that has been amputated and then was put back together. It must have lefty some scars and I am quite sure that I will come across some signs of the past. Some will be hidden and others will meet up very easily with me.

Yes, I do remember where I was when the wall came down. My dad just came back from the hospital and he ran into the living room. 'THE WALL FELL!', he yelled while he grabbed for the remote control of the television. We kids, kind of looked a bit strange at our excited dad. He had this very excited look in his eyes. When he found the german channel, he just stood there and starred the screen. 'It is happening! and then checked out other channels that were all showing images of people dancing on the wall and people who were hugging, singing and being over excited. 'Do you realise what this means?', he asked us., 'This is history you are watching right there and pointed at the screen!'

My parents took that us a few months later to the Eastern Europe because they wanted us to see what Eastern Europe looked like before that gigantic piece of architecture came down. What I got to see on that trip was like travelling to a very unknown place that I had never imagined that close by.

In about 12 hours I will board a plane that will fly me to a city where two worlds came together and where mankind is trying to cope with a new state of mind. Many guide books tell me that it is not easy to tell where the East meets the West. Today Berlin is a melting pot. Before you know you will jumping over it and still be able to breath freely.

Berlin is calling and for me it is the best place to hang out while I am suffering from a major writer's block. I hit the wall and need to get over it in order to feel at peace with my key board. My mind needs to cross the imaginary line from the dark to the light side and I do hope that this moment perhaps will happen while I am having a huge 'Berliner' or when I am drinking beer out one of these gigantic mugs.

My mum thinks I am going to be fine because when I told her that what is was experiencing her reply was:'Uhm, I am having a gardener's block and that is much worse!' And like always mum is right because weeds all over the place are not hard to miss. They even are more visible then the invisible wall that we will cross numerous times in the days to come. Berlin here we come!!!

P.S.: For the German people this piece music has a much deeper meaning then to most of us. The 9th sympfony of Beethoven stands for the joy they found back after the wall fell down. It does gets unders my skin when I play it and I hope to kind of travel into their minds when I wander with my mum throught the streets of Berlin.

Wishing & Hoping

2011-07-30T06:25:00.002-07:00

I did it! I threw all of them away! Every single one of them went into the shredder. Not much is left of them and to be honest I do not wish to linger around a long time in front of the evidence of my own actions. What is left of them is a box full of old paper that has got no specific meaning anymore. On top of those shreds are tons of glossy magazines that also do not serve any function.

Once these magazines and those other papers stood for a longing. For 10 years all these 'dreams' were lying there in the dark. Every time when I opened the door and opened that box I also opened up my heart. The stack of 'bundels of love' got higher and higher and I never gave up. Okay I might have had my moments that I just did think that it was a waste to hold on to them but still I kept on holding to that one box. Almost like a lifeline.

Today I just threw the content of that special box away and this along with all those travel magazines. When I told P he had won he gave me a very 'strange' look. 'You can still hold on to them!', was his response. 'Why?', I yelled at him, 'As if it ever is going to happen!!!' And I knew I had this one that I always have around this time of the year: a total meltdown!

Once a year, I take a good look into the mirror and try to look ahead and is what I see not that promising. If I am even tempted to agree with all of you who already have honestly spoken up their minds about this. Because yes, many of you have just openly told me that it was useless to keep on believing in something that I desperately long for.

Hey, I am working very hard to make this relationship work. Who knows me well knows that I am not a quitter. I don't just walk out on someone or something if there is a still some sparks of hope. Stallie just does not give hope on something she truely believes in and this perhaps against better judgement of many. So I am very sorry, but ones the hormones are out of the way and I might get to see some sunshine and feel less cold, then I want to go on believing and this even against all odds.

P.S.: P even forgot that tomorrow we are 10 years an item. So I guess I will be cracking all by myself a bottle of champagne. Cheers!

Show Me Those Hands

2011-07-22T03:45:00.000-07:00

P, A and I packed up our personal belongings and decided that we needed to face the rain somewhere else in order to survive this dramatic looking summer. So we ended up in Zeeland. A was so funny that just before take off that he was wondering if we had to board a plane in order to get there. 'No, we are not going to Nieuw Zeeland. We are going to the 'old' one. That one is just around the corner.'

We had for sure a very nice time out there with our very good friends B&I. And we even sat outside to have our meals. A even managed to 'swim' in the ice cold water because he just did not wish to listen to his dad. We had a real good time and managed to stay dry most of the time. Umbrellas were not used for over 24 hours!!!

The moment we got back on the Belgian highways rain hit the car. I was so much tempted to make P turn back but we did not have a choice. I was trying to keep myself in check by thinking that we kind of escaped the notorious 'drache nationale'. That I had not been on any digital tools for more then 24 hours was also very nice. Suddenly we saw 38 busses at the other side of the high way passing by. The Belgian troops were heading back to their baracks after getting soaked while saluting to their king.

This year I even skipped listening to the anual speech of my king because I figured that the media would give me the full scoop and that there was going to be a lot to be said about the content of it. So last night I did dive into the speech while I was sipping of my sunny Cuba Libre. I then found out that Albert II his body language was over the top. It did seem to be noticed that our rather calm king for once overdid it by using his hands. And that only when he was talking Dutch.

Yes, we do give away partly what we think and feel like by the use of our body. I am not only talking about our facial features. No, our hands can be talkative tool when we are silent. In my classroom I do take the time to observe my audience and I have more then once discovered some very controversial facts about my pupils. What they were saying did not go along with what their body parts were screaming. For the people who ever watched series like 'The Mentalist' and 'Lie To Me' to know that even crime investigators pay attention to this in order to get the 'bad' guy.

So apparently our king had also discoverd this communication tool. But he seemed to have something overseen and that did kind of backfires now at him. I must admit that I think that we do need to take good care of our hands. I love P his caring and smooth hands. My hands are also one of my hallmarks. When I was starting to lose weight a friend of mine said:'You will get back those longer fingers that are so typically you!' LOL When my sis her company made the news her hands ended up in close up and did a pupil point out that her hands did look so much alike mine. It was the first time that I took a very close look at the hands of my sister. And yes, this pupil was so right!

The thing is that it does surprise me that we still miss out on this kind of language when it matters most. It seems that we will 'use' it only when it already to late and hope that it can tell something that we perhaps have missed out on. Film directors seem to have already understood this. The language of hands has no screts when they try to get the message across the white screen. I will never forget the close up hands of Mr Darcy in the most recent movie adoptation of 'Pride and Prejudice'.

Personal I always had this thing going for guys like Mr Darcy. They are not who they seem to be at first glance, hide out behind a very dark facade, are very hard to read, go ballestic when they feel 'wronged', are very economic when it comes down to using words, seem to be bored most of the time, feel out of place in most places they are forced to hang out at, and many more less outstanding features. But oh boy, do they master the body language! And hands are on top of all.

It is funny then to state that most men to fall asleep when you mention a Jane Austen book. Their body language then tells you that they just do not wish to care and that these books are so out dated. Chances are when you, being a woman in a romantic mood wish to spend the night with Mr Darcy on the couch your lover boy will leave the living room asap. Half of the global population does not get it where this obession comes from. But what they seem to forget that most of them wish to be one.

Emma Thompson did once point out in an interview that she thinks that on the male dating front nothing much has changed. Men are still chasing after their prey and even the most femenistic woman amongst us wants to be swept of her feet when she is woed by a man. And who does not wish to be told he/she is loved for what she/he does stand for? Mr Darcy might be an illusion but it is one that still stands the test of time.

So that Matthew McFadyen, alias Mr Darcy, had to use his hands to get his point across to his audience and Lizzie did not surprise me. In the books you need to read between the lines quite often to get what he is after in a woman or in a general. Dancing at that time was all about hands. It was holding on and then letting go, it was allowing to be touched but at the same time setting out the borders that could not be crossed lightly without being told off. The gloves that women and men were wearing at the time did have more then just one function. In a way they were an extra 'hurdle' to get over before getting closer to someone.

I do think it is rather funny that men do go blind when they are asked to pay attention to these rather smaller details. Hands give away so much but when told they just ignore the signs. So when our king did use his hands we all seem to have been able to read what he was trying to tell us. It was obvious that this 'calm' person was a kind of losing his patience. There was even a fist going into the air. Rather harsh body language to be used by an impartial leader. He kind of crossed a certain line and I just wonder if he did notice this himself?

Many of us were kind of outraged by this body language. After all he is the king and in any circumstance can't give away his personal feelings when making political statements. That our monarch did give himself away by using his hands is no surprise. The fact that we for once do seem to notice just tells me that we only wish to read this kind of language if it seems to serve a certain purpose. Or when we do pay close attention.

Yes, I do personal think that king Albert II should have been using his hands as well when he was talking French. Why did he suddenly hide those hands? Why did he back of of using body language that won't for once be not mistaken by any of us? Perhaps he should have better acted like his colleagues Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands and Queen Elisabeth of England. When they go out in the limelight to deliver a speech they tend to hold out on to a gigantic piece of paper. It seems like they rather keep off using those hands of going into the air. Sorry guys, but once more is proven that women seem to be so much better in communication skills!

Please beware the next time you do use your hands to get a message across because not all of us master this communication skill. So ladies and gentlemen, show me those hands because they do tell more then you will ever bargain for. And what about some dancing hands? Mr Darcy and Lizzie would for sure have enjoyed this one tremendously.

Raining Cats And Dogs

2011-07-18T00:43:00.001-07:00

This sucks and there is nothing I can do about it. The more I face it the more I just have to come to terms that the weather is the one and only life ingredient that is beyond my control. It has got its own way of rulling the world. But this is summer and every summer there is a rain entry popping up. I just never imagined it would have been so early.

The weatherman did use the word Autumn and that just triggers me. It makes me go into a mode that is very hard to snap out of. On top of that are most e-newspapers only filled up with wonderful grey pics of Belgian beaches and do they have many news coverage about this so depressing wet object. I try to ignore all of this but it is hard. Today I even announced I am going to get out my winter outfits and that I am going to wear one of my shirts that I only get out when it is below 15 degrees Celcius.

Worst of all is that P is on Summer vacation for the moment. Not that this means that no work gets done by his precious doc hands. He just then slows down a bit and then hangs around the house. Yes, he is then seriously in the way of things. No, that he for the moment is back at the hospital being a very useful doc does not even fill me up with anger. He will feel so much more cheerful when coming back and then we might be able to face the rain armed with an umbrella.

Still, I do try to come up with some advantages of this weather. It is one way of trying to stay a bit training your mind not to get overcasted and that your dark side takes over the rest of the summer. Had to think a very long time before these showed up in my mind. But these are according to Stallie a few advantages of having no tropical temperatures and facing heatwaves in Belgium during the summer:

- no mosquito bites. They always are after me and A! Seems like the two of us are blessed with very sweet blood. I wonder how Edward Cullen w do if he would ever meet up with me. I just hope then that Carlisle is close by to call him off!

- no wasps close by your favorite summer drink. I HATE WASPS!! I have this very painful encounter under my belt with these black and yellow flying objects. The allergic reaction that one bite did caused me still haunts me when I see one of these trying to creep into my glass of coke or other sunny cocktails. So that these cold temperatures mean that they don't stand a chance does make me smile!

- no sleepless nights because of the heat. P and I are noctural types. We like to stay up rather late but once we decide to sleep we do want to fall asleep asap. The heat is then for sure in the way. I then almost dress up for a day at the beach and imagine that I am lying on a tropical sandy beach with palm trees does sometime help to make me close my eyes for a longer then 10 minutes. If I need something stronger then I think: massage, tanning, oil, lovely hands going up and down my back! LOL But for the moment I am ever tempted to get out my thermal underwear and do I sleep just the hours away easily once I hit the pillow.

- no Smog-alert on the roads. Belgium is blessed with tons of roads and their highways are quite popular to hang out at. But the moment the temperatures are going up the heat on these road will go up as well. Once there is no breeze cooling us down the SMOG traffic signs are turned around that we only can drive 90 km/h. Meaning that the traffic jams become even longer and that we have got more accidents out there. That there are now tons of major road works going on is already a hazzle but that we at least can still drive 120km/h when we get passed them makes me feel kind of upbeat.

- no line at the icecream shop and enough flavors to chose from! Ha!!! That is the best of all. P, A and I are very big ice cream lovers. One drawer of out freezer only contains this frozen delicacy. That we do not have a hard time to get our hands on our favorite kind, flavor, brand, etc does make it a bit eassier to get through the rainy days. I am for the moment into sorbets and the 'raket. The last one is considered for small kids but I do not care. That there also always seats enough to chose from at my favorite ice cream parlor just makes me feel so much lighter.

Uhm, I do try to think positive about the very wet weather. But that the weather forecast looks rather gloomy and grey for quite some time does make it a bit harder. On top of that are there so many friends and family (even my godchild E is hanging out in a swimming pool of a Tuscany villa!!!!) abroad where there is sunshine. Yes, I will be a bit envious of their tanned skin once they are back.

One look at the calendar also tells me that the weather is not going to be something positive to talk about. Because our national holiday is nearing. The 21st of July does stand for 'drache nationale' in this 'surrealistic' nation. Cook outs will be canceled, summer festivals will end up in the mud, troops will be parading in the pouring rain and Albert II of Belgium his army uniform will get soaked. It will be raining cats and dogs!!! Fun, fun!!!

I bet that his son Laurent (a very big dog lover!) might not be that sad that he did year not get invited to this spectacle. At least he did get a tan while being over in Congo. Compared to him and many 'smart' Belgian tourists abroad I do look rather like a pigmy. Please be so kind to me and do not make any comments about the fact that your skin is peeling away because at least you got some vitamine D and that does matter so much when you try to think positive. In case you are looking for me you do know where to find me: the frozen food department or the Haägen Dazs shop down Louiza in Brussels. I am the one with a biggest 'coupe' with whipped cream on top!

P.S.: The folowing music is a remix of the #1 rain song by Gazebo. This word reminds me of very sunny days in Ohio while sitting outside having breakfast or dinner under the roof of these cool architectual gems that brighten up your day. Chopin also can help me to chase away the rain for about 3 minutes. Record time!

Bart De Wever, You Can Go The Distance

2011-07-08T10:06:00.000-07:00

For all the unknown souls out here who do not happen to know that Belgium still has got no government I just want to tell you that this must be such a good feeling. I am even envious of that experience. Must feel so good not to be aware of a lethal situation. For a while I have even tried to ignore the whole thing because P was so fed up with facing a Stallie who was going ballestic at the dinner table.

He then just sits there reading the newspaper and sometimes looks up in bewilderment when I seem to run through the kitchen with me hands in the air. P then just stares at me and wonders what all the fuzz is about. I am then ready to throw some pasta at him or just pour some red wine at his blue shirt.

Yes, I can't help it but I do get in a total fit lately when I have to listen, watch or read some political news. Yesterday a friend of mine did point out that she does think that Bart De Wever (the frontman of the NVA, the political party who on Flemish side won the election in June 2010) did for sure study very well the political 'NOTA' before calling a press conference.

Oh yes, he did! For all the people who do think that they know everything about people who are into politics. You have not met Bart yet. He is a whole new kind of politician. Bart is unique and you just can not read his face. Very quick with the mind (body mass index wise he also will break a world record but he happend to live in a nation where the food makes you just grave for more!) and smart. Bart almost became 'the smartest' person of the world by participating in one of our most popular knowledge quizzes for BV (Wellknown Belgians.

It was also during this TV-show that I for the very first time met up with a Bart who showed some of his less known sides of his personality. I saw a guy who had the urge to win. Bart seems to hate losing to people who play the game differently and who are bending the rules. When he lost the final game to a very popular and rather hot looking TV-news reader his face just told it all.

Bart has got his principles and sticks to them. No matter what. The day he signed up for politics he must have been aware that sticking to your guns is not that easy in the political jungle. You have to give it to him that he is all out there by himself. Okay, he has got a political party who is backing him up no matter what. But still!

The thing is that I do think that Bart is just the kind of person who have fitted more into a different time era then the present political arena. Bart has got a masters in history. This guy knows everything about the Romans and many other historical times. When he got married and left city hall there were outside waiting for him and his family saltuting Roman soldiers.

And Bart does know his classics so well. This is a guy who can quote most of the Romans with his eyes closed. Oneliners that can stand the time and do so well fit into political speeches. Bart picks out the best lines created by 'dead' people to get his point across. He knows that these words might make the difference and that these lines will stick around a bit longer then the weather forecast.

So Bart his star is on the rise. For the moment he is the most popular and unpopular poltician of my nation. He is the guy who is having an appointment with the history books. You can read the signs. People are after him and listen very carefully to him when he speaks up his mind. Bart is here to stay. But the very difficult thing to understand for many is that he is not after becoming our prime minister.

I must admit that I do have a very hard time picturing this fellow walking next Sarkozy or shaking the hands of Obama. A pregnant Carla Bruni will vanish next to him! Crash diets are something Bart does not believe in and he will never sacrifice his 'puntzak' of French Fries to fitting in a designer's suit of a smaller size.

Still, Bart is only human. He is admits that all this political 'circus' does keep him awake. He does say that he has got moments that he has got the impression that he does not know what to do. No, even at the NVA there is nobody who masters the skill of foretelling the future. It does make him feel a bit helpless but he is so backed up by his partymembers that it seems to grant him heroic features.

Bart does have feelings. I have seen them all over his face. There is even this one moment in time that the very stuborn politician gave into his emotions. These were so obvious to pick up when he was out there in front of the casket of Marie Rose Morel. The heavy weight politician then openly admited what politics had done to their friendship. For the eyes of so many Bart De Wever used the word arrogance. I can tell you that made me shiver. In front of the church was standing a guy who was so aware of the destroying forces politics can cause. Regret was not far off during that speech.

In my very honest and personal opinion he is almost what we call an anti-hero. Not a 'Tin-tin' or a 'Rode Ridder'. He does not even come close to 'Lucky Luke' and has nothing in common with 'Jommeke'. Bart is after something that is hard to see that might take a life time out there in the political arena.

Bart wants to be taken serious and to be taken in consideration when it comes down to some very crucial political issues. Bart is a league of his own. The guy stands like a rock! Uhm, I guess that the closest he gets to a cartoon character is Obelix. We all know that Obelix is never granted the honor to drink of the secret potion and that his force is beyond any words. Very fitting images for a Flemish politician who has this thing going for historical tales.

I do think that my friend K was right to say that Bart did take a very close look at what Di Rupo had written down before saying yes or no. 'Yes, you are right about that. But still... I do think that he should stop quoting all these Roman politicians and writers. After all most of them ended up getting killed or died in suspicious circumstances!'

Bart you can be sure that you are getting your point across. And even Obelix cries once in a while and feels sorry for himself. It makes you so human, Bart. My respect as a human being you already have gained. The reputation of being a very wise Belgian politician you still need to deserve but you are going the distance. Uhm, Herculus did go the distance and look were it brought him. But then he is a Greec hero! But I bet that you do not mind being compared to a hero who first had to take care of twelve things before being shot into the sky.

I can't write about Belgian politics!

2011-07-07T05:41:00.000-07:00

3rd attempt to write about Belgian politics:

It is a no!!! For sure a very straight forward NO! Very clear. And we were even given the explanation why it was a no. Stallie even parked her car next to the road and turned up her radio to make sure she got every tiny detail that Bart had to say about the latest political'nota'that he and his party member just did not find good enough to move on to second base.

AHHHHHHHHH!!! I just sat there in my car thinking that all I wanted to was to fill out immigration paperwork. Yip! I am fed up and I am tired of having to scan the newspapers and trying to analize every newsworthy article that tries to cover our national politics. And then at the end have to state that we are heading just nowhere except new elections.

For a while I have given up on posting even a blog entry about politics out here. Not that I have not tried. Evidence can be found down here! Just beware that none of these pieces even got finished. I just could not find the strength, the logic and the right 'pointe' to end such a piece.

I am very hard to put into a box when talking about politics. Radical I am not on any part of my principles. At home or work or even when you would be hanging out with me at party or drinking a cocktail in a fancy bar down in Brussels I would not get into a frenzy because you would tell me that you are pro or contra splitting up our nation.

Yes, I do worry that this nation is heading nowhere for the moment and that it will hurt our international reputation. Uhm, do we even still have a reputation to care about? Uhm, they are even after our chocolate and sweets for the moment. Because yesterday one of the headlines was that we should start to 'hamster' on our favorite bag of sweets and bars of chocolate because the price of sugar is going to double.

Uhm, one look at our leading politician who told us today that he just thinks that what is on the table is not good enough made me think that he should cut down on sugar.

By now you already must gotten the picture I can not write one single decent entry about Belgian national politics. Not as long as there is not coming white smoke out one of those chimney down the 'Wetstraat'.

I am just afraid that all the waiting time will bring me is just an other invitation to go and cast a vote and this on sunny Sunday when all I want to do is have a warm croissant...

2nd Attempt to write about the Belgian political situation:

Today our national newspapers are very political inspired because once more one of our notorious politicians wrote a 'nota'. Sorry to burst your bubble here but I just seem not to share the slight optomistic souls out there who for the first time to think that this time this might be 'different'. Call me a pessimist on that part because a few weeks ago I did try to write a blog post about politics and half way I gave up.

Yes, I just gave in to the writer's block and the instinct that trying to create something worthwhile to read about Belgian politics just won't work. Yes, I do consider politics part of life and yes politics do matter. Even if you wish not to care! In one way or an other politicians are able to interfer in your daily lives.

But I just got fed up with the whole political carneval that was going on in the 'Wetstraat' and beyond. Yes, I still worry about our nation splitting up and that I have to start to explain over and over what 'Flemish' means. Hey, I do admire that people whose heart start to beat faster because they feel so connected to their roots. Their blood seems to be infected by it and they just speak such clear language. Even when they get into the political jungle they do know what they are heading for.

I just sit then there and I am lost! Because for the moment I just do not to know anymore what to do think or to say when someone touches this subject. Okay, I hope that Elio di Rupo his words on paper are good enough to stimulate other politicians to start talking into words that all of us can live by.

1st attempt to create something blogpost worthy about Belgian politics:

Polls! I don't know if you ever have been asked to fill out one or that once you got the opportunity over the phone to speak out your personal opinion or preference about people, causes, objects and politics. Most of the time it is the phone company who is bugging us over and over with questionairs to fill out and we don't even bother to answer and smash down the phone. Because after all who takes these things serious?

Uhm, politicians seem to do so. The latest poll made even or two major politicians smile. Because at both side of the nation the one who is not giving has to keep up his job! Way to go guys!! In a few days you can order a huge cake with one candle on it to blow out to celebrate the unique birthday of 1 year without a government.

You might have noticed that I have for a very long time not blogged about politics. It was a kind of personal statement I was trying to make. The Belgian no government-situation is turning into a never ending story and I am exhausted every time when I read up on Belgian politics. Believe it or not I do have a very outspoken opinion about that cirucus going on out there.

I am very proud of where I come from. My parents have raised me with a very open mind. At a very early stage it were these people who tried to get the message across what Belgium stands for. Not a very easy job because I did find out that this is something that is not easily to explain. Our nation can't be wrapped into a few straight forward statements.

For all the readers out there I can strongely advice to come and visit us in the near future. You will learn so much about identity crises that you will cancel your next appointment with your therapist. It is very hard to explain to a passerby what Belgium truely stands for. To be realy honest the longer I hang out around in the heart of it all the more I become aware of the feeling that I live in a very 'strange' nation.

Okay, ever since the Romans and the Greecs gave us democracy they must have been aware of the pitfalls. Hey, Caesar got killed by his own flesh and blood and many of his friends in white toga did not only tell white lies to get around in the Senate. Politics is not something that is straight forward black or white.

Stallie is not easy to put in a box when it comes down to politics. I have been in quite some nations and I have seen some different political systems into action. Each of them seemed to have its advantages but also disadvantages. Not a single country could or can for the moment win my heart over when dealing with politics. Okay, I am very content that I live in democracy and as long as I am force to vote I try to take this act quite serious.

But what has it brought me? Uhm, can't say that it brought me more happiness, a better standard of living, a stable political environment, a better understanding of my fellow country wo-men, politicians that talk a more clear language, a more transparent policy on some issues like unemployment, education, environment, foreign an local policy and many more issues that matter! I still pay my taxes and I still feel that I live in a nation that is trying to reinvent itself.

For 12 months Belgium is trying to put together this political puzzle with pieces that just don't fit together without cutting of some edges. This on both sides. According to where I live I am Flemish. Well out here I am surrounded by people who are not Flemish. And nope, it are not only Walloons who I share the air with. Last week I hang out with Spanish, Britsh, Italians and Indians. And the moment I get on the metro to take me into Brussels I am kind of travelling around the globe!

These are only the attempts ever since we are world record keeper in having no government. All the other attempts I have deleted because they just did not make sense. Like none of the above does, I guess.

But I don't give up promoting this very controversial nation as a hotspot for a very romantic getaway for two. Chocolate at every cornershop and so many kinds of beer that the number will make your head spinn and that without having one lager.

Saturday my Comenius friend C is flying in and she can't wait to discover the hidden treasures of this tiny nation. She is a real fan. The three times she was over she fell in love with this country. I can tell you that I am planning to leave the word politics out of any conversation we are going to have.

But then knowing my mum she will be the first to point out to C what Belgium politics stand for. In order to safeguard the reputation of my mum I am not going to mention any of the vocabulary she uses to get her point across. Perhaps I should take some fresh Belgian chocolates along to silence her for once and for ever when this word comes up. Any suggestions?

School Is Out!!!!

2011-06-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

Ladies & gentlemen, Stallie can now officially state that she has unplugged all her electric devices and closed the windows of her classroom! Yeah!!!! I am so relieved that I made it into one piece out of the schoolbuilding because there were rather painful moments the last few weeks to deal with. I might have come out bruised and my heart aches a bit but I can now start to unwind.

So here I am now in the middle of unplugging myself. My body tells me that I went in overdrive and I am crashing. The burning process is one that will show off its powers in the next 48 hours. The tonsil stones already drive me insane. My appetite is non existing and my mind is spinning. Make-up is useless to cover up the darker spots. I am trying to find back my center. To find back that one spot where I can feel totaly at ease with myself. Because for the moment the 7 second rule about me breathing out I am totaly screwing up.

Today I wasn't the nicest individual to be around with. But then most teachers do need to cool down at this time of the year. Bad karma everywhere and also lots of touchy minds. Including myself. I always lose my focus around this time of the year. I see it coming. Every year about two to three weeks before the end there lands a tremendous huge brick on my head. My brain then makes very funny and hard to understand jumps. I am swimming out there in a stormy ocean and no landing place in sight. Nothing seems to help in order to snap out of it.

Yes, teacher are so much spoiled when it comes to free time. And I bet that if you are not a teacher that your vocab describing this profession is not always very flattering. But then I challenge you to come and spend the final month in a school and you will want to check into a mental institution. All the bottled up sensations that were stored away for 9 months are suddenly spilled all over the place. So today I was ready to get carried away in one of those straitjackets and take some Vicodin.

I snapped at people today and even started to cry at the most awkward moments. In between those rather pathetic sounding acts I passed out report cards, had meaning ful talks with caring parent &emotional pupils, did I ran through the hallways trying to shake of all the negative energy and did I had to store away all my personal teaching tools (lots of cookies and candy!!). My body on the other hand was already telling me that I was about to hit the wall but I needed to push a bit further to make it to the finish line.

And that final push came today in a rather strange form. On this final day of the school year I was asked to join a colleague for a house call. Yes, we teacher pay parents and pupils a visit in case they just seem not to be able to come and see us. It was not a 'happy' visit. Because yes, even in special ed there are children who not make the grades or do not live up to the expectations of many.

I am very big on talents and when I once have figured out what the talents are of the kids that are under my care I start to coach them to use these at their fullest potential. Today I was sitting on a chair and did I have to talk very clear language to a pupil who has got the potential but stored away those talents in a very dark spot. One of these pupils who if he/she would try a bit harder would get so much out of his/her abilities.

Instead I was facing a broken person who seemed totally lost. Who just did not talk clear language. Whose bodylanguage just wanted me to grab him/her by the shoulders and then just trying to get that positive energy back into him/her. My mind was screaming 'please snap out of it' and 'You only get one shot at this and you will regret it sooner of later' or 'Please focus again on the things that truely matter in life'. You can bet that I was tired and that inside of me there was a vulcano about to errupt.

When I signed up 13 years ago for a special ed I did know that I was putting my signature under a contract that was not covering all the bases. Special ed is in many ways so much more then just teaching numbers and facts. One look at the kids who I pushed 10 months along I can state that I am kind of happy and content. Some of them will be able to enjoy a very relaxing summer and some will have to face the consequences of the choices they made. So am I.

I can tell you that I have seen some very young kids making life-altering decessions and this on their own. This at a age that all I had to care about was getting my home work done in time and if I wanted to ketchup on my French Fries. In special ed there is never enough time, is there always the constant back ground noise of a ticking clock that might end up in a bomb if you make the 'wrong' calls.

Today I faced a kid who made some judgement calls that I just could not put my head around. Because what I had seen once was so much more that was now left over of this person. The broken pieces where all over the floor and the energy that was hanging around in that room made me shiver. Eyes were constantly searching for the right place to hang out at and that was not my colleague or me.

We ended up having a rather fierce discussion with 6 people about the future of one person. Have I seen glimpses of what the future might have in store for this person? Yes, because the moment I made this pupil recall the talk we once had in class what I think about people with hidden talents I got to see a smile and no it was not a fake one.

And then it happened. That one moment in time that the world comes to a complete stand still and that you just know that you did connect. That he/she was listening to me when I pointed this out in my classroom. He/she did pay attention!!! Our eyes met and the smile was genuine and my heart jumped up.

Do I make sense that the person who drove to that house was not the same person who came back from that trip? You have not been there with me. You have not met up with the dark forces out there. You have not seen the destruction that was going on in that mind of that 'hurt' soul. You have not felt the fear and the total lack of direction. But at the same time there was hope visible, perhaps only for a split second but I do strongly believe that it might make the difference. That this house call might make this pupil reconsider some things.

It was for sure not a fun park to hang out with some friends. So then it is very hard to make clear what I am trying to tell you what these kind of situations make me suddenly be aware of the real mission I signed up for. It is very awkward when it happens that you do feel so damn right about a decission. Stallie had one of these very intens moments today that 'helped' her. Nobody close to me at that moment was aware of it but in a way it even saved me.

The tears that fell down behind some closed doors I just tried to whipe away asap. The warm hugs and sincere compliments and smiles that I experienced I try to hold on for the two coming months. Because the negative energy hiding out there I just did not wish to pack up in the filled up trunk with left overs of this school year. This teacher was out on a bumpy road and was many times dissapointed in what she got to see and feel.

The last few days I did have not my best moments. But then I have seen also others not having their best moments. I just am happy that I did snap out of it before I was going to make a greater fool of myself. Today around 11.45 I did find out once more why I want to be a special ed teacher and it not just teach in front of a classroom. I am in for the full ride.

P.S.: The end of the game!! I have told many of pupils the last few weeks that play time is over and that they have to be prepared to meet up with the biggest challenge ever the next coming year: themselves! And on top of that this is one of Stallie her all time favorites where she can just let go and let all the emotions get out of her system.

The Road

2011-06-27T03:14:00.000-07:00

This time I let poetry speak for itself.
Strong words that make up great lines by a person who could get it so right when he picked up a pen.

The Road Not Taken

Two road diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden back.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, an I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

P.S: In case you want to know more about this extra ordinary poet:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Frost

And the epitaph on his grave says so much of how I do look at life in general!

'I had a lover's quarrel with the world!'

Family Ties

2011-06-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can be so slow! Uhm, I know I am from Limburg and this also does not give me headstart. The moment I start to speak I am a give away. Sometimes it takes me years before I get into some bestseller that has been already out for ages. To give you one example I had been telling others to read 'Twilight' before I even touched one book. And when it comes down to some television series it seems that I am living on a different planet.

Thank the lord for the DVD-box. Because lately I invest quite some money in DVDs. Like many women I have to deal with loads of washing and because I kind of see the Mount Everest in laundry form popping up I have decided to see it as a therapeutic action. The steaming that comes out of my hot iron I do inhale like I am sitting in one of these exclusive Turkish baths and while I am ironing one of P his gorgeous blue shirts I do try to get into some mindfulness exercises. The DVD boxes are the third way of copping with some wrinkled t-shirts and jeans that is screaming for some smoother feelings.

And so I got this box from 'Brothers and Sisters'. And I like it a great deal. The series is already considered an 'oldie'. A wrinkled Rob Lowe as a hot shot senator on the rise and the nutty Mc Beal actress Calista who swept Harisson Ford of his feet as well. And don't we all know Sally Field who is so well when she gets to act like one of these constantly-tortured-in-the mind-by-her-family-but-only-wants-to-do-good-and-keep-everybody-happy-and-fed-character?

The storyline is so simple and most conversations that take place between the characters won't blow you of your feet. Nope! It is just simplicity and the fact that some of these things do happen in families. I am blessed with a very big family. Huge even. Some of my cousins are already grandparents! When we get together it is always great fun to figure out who belongs to whom and what the latest assets are. New born babbies, sharp and beautiful looking girl- and boyfriends who happen to be forced to come along and of course the missing faces get identified by many. Yes, we do wear name tags with a color code.

The strength of a family is of course not in its seize. Because when do you consider someone family? Uhm, hard to say. P has got also a family and he is real close with his parents. There does not pass by one week or he has at least been there more then once. He chats up with his mum frequently and yes, no surprises on that front, it does sometimes make feel left out. P has got a very close bondage with his blood ties.

What do I have with my family is not the same. It can't be because I do know that not one family is the same. Each family has got its history and back ground. One look at the recent pics taken last Easter break while egg racing through the gorgeous looking and in bloom garden of mother's makes me smile. I am content to see the faces of my sibblings and the 'extras' they brought along in our lives.

So nope I am not one of these persons who just thinks that family ties are to be taken for granted. You all out there will know for sure that they come in all kinds and sizes. The only thing that I have come to realize is that it is a never ending story. And that there might be a start on a yellow colored paper that states where it all began and where you come from. But there is so much more to a family that does matter and can make the difference.

So with the summer break is near and this time I will spend some time back where I come from. I need the oxygen and to connect back with my roots. My family roots. I might have clipped of the branch and successfully got my feet planted in some freshly dark earth elsewhere to grow my own piece of family. Still to keep that the blooming process going on I do feel so happy that I can still drive over (even take over close friends along) and come 'home'.

Once I touch that base there is something activated that I now cherish more then ever before. Yes, I need the summer for that reason. It will help me to refocus and rejuvenate. It feels like the best detox ever prescribed by a doctor and on top of that I will meet up with 'old' friends and acquantainces. And I will try to make others 'taste' what makes me feel so family tied. It is not simple to put down in words and it takes time to make sure you can feel it.

And yes, I am aware of the fact that there are many out there who do not have a family or had to create their own family due to many reasons. Believe me I have seens many families into action and I can surely say that words like pain, hurt, misunderstanding, anger, contempt and many less flatering words are then used. It is not always a fairy tale out there.

So I am very grateful for my mum who I do think does a very great job and trying to keep these family ties going strong without suffocating any family member and this on many fronts. Mum, you are doing an amazing good job! But are you aware of the fact that you do need to recharge your mobile phone once in a while or how you can listen to your messages we leave on your answering machine. Uhm, if I come to think of it we always have been a family on the move!

P.S.: And yes, there are some people out there who I do consider my family. I might not ever told them openly but in very small gestures and sincere acts of love and friendship I know we have kind crossed a certain line, the blood line! Some of you I might not see that often and some of you might not even be aware of the fact that I am tempted to include you in all the family fun.

A Tribute To Family`

I don't know when it started,
Or how it all began.
But God created families,
As only our Lord can.
He was teaching what it means,
To love, honor, and obey.
He wanted a strong bond,
That we don't see too much today.
He wanted someone to hold us,
And show respect for others.
He wanted someone who'd be gentle,
And so he created mothers.
He wanted someone strong,
A support filled with love.
And so he created fathers,
Sent from heaven up above.
Brothers and sisters came next,
With that, an instant friend.
Someone to look up to,
Someone on who to depend.
When he put them all together,
He was amazed at what he'd done.
He had created a family,
Mother, father, daughter, son.
But look at the family,
Created by only two.
How many we've become,
And all because of you.
We have a lot to be thankful for,
The memories through the years.
The many times together,
Full of laughter, full of tears.
I don't know where we'd be today,
If it weren't for the two of you.
To show us strength, support, and love,
Like only the two of you can do.

© Michelle A. Moran

Source: Tribute To Family, Poems about Family http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/family/poetry.asp?poem=1251#ixzz1QTABxw9c

Something Got Me Started

2011-06-14T11:47:00.000-07:00

In case you hope to read an upbeat entry you better search for an other blog. This won't be then the blogspot where you want to hang out at. Because Stallie is upset and mad. Something got me started and it seems that I won't easily find the Zen-mode again. What happened? Well, perhaps you better ask me what has not upset me? Because the list is long and distinguished. I am in what I call my personal 'ram-bui'.

Stallie can be very moody and is blessed with a very bad moodswings. I can bite when colleagues come to close to me before I had my first cup of coffee and digested the rest of my breakfast. I then need Jasper Cullen and Doctor Carlisle Cullen close by to get back into my easy to handle status. I do come along with a manual and there are acts, sentences, words, bodylanguage, views and much more that can make me set of.

Hey, I am only human so I can have a total off day. So today I feel like it is one of these days. Inside of me there is a vulcano spitting out major amounts of ashes and I just seem not to find my Zen-mode. Mindfullness? Never heard of that? Medidation? Can that work in cases such as this? Seriously doubt that!!!

God, I know myself rather well that I can just lose it all together. I am fully aware that I am one of these persons who gets carried away when I feel kicked or pushed into a corner. Also I do know that I can be so out of control when I just do not seem to handle the situation according to my personal beliefs and values.

Uhm, I even feel like I don't want to give it to much space out here. Because you know what? It might be just the end of the school year coming closer and I feel that I might just walk into a minefield. Not that I take it that personal but I just don't get a grip on the situation and I get into a fit! One I can not just snap out very easily.

It would take palm trees, white beaches, blue water, white horses, a gigantic sail boat, Mathew Mcconghey in a tux, Cosmopolitans with a straw, full moon and tons of stars,... Seems that I want to be in a paradise that is out of reach!!! For the moment I will have to settle for something less pleasant: a school racing to then end of the finish line and on its way perhaps still breaking down a few times or even getting involved into a few crashes. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Uhm, I guess I will have to settle for my hot bath that I am going to fill up with lavender and then perhaps plug in my iPod Nano in order to get detached of the outside world for at least a few minutes. If this not works then I guess that desperate measures have to be taken in the form of chocolate. But not such a tiny bite. Nope then I dive into the umami. Because this fifth taste sensation guarantees me the taste of divinity. Sounds like heaven on earth!!! Lavender, chocolate and music and some meditation don't sound that bad after all! Yummy umami!!!!

Umami-chocolade van Belgische makelij

Expecting Happiness

2011-06-13T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today I was browsing through some children's books I owe and when I read this one I just had to think of my two best friends. Two amzingly young ladies who are pregnant for the moment. Two women who had to be kind of patient to finally feel what they were longing for. I admit here that I have been kind of letting tons of candles burn in churches all over the world and then just hoped & prayes that it would soon be a fact. Because these two women are in my honest opinion made for motherhood. I have seen it in their eyes!!!

I am very happy for them. They have been longing for such a long time to get into the world where words such as ultra sounds, 40 weeks, strange cravings, tiny toes and hands, stretch marks, morning sickness, baby prams, diapers, mother's milk, maternity clothes, delivery room, babyphone, numerous doctor visits, baby clothes and many more.... All words that for sure have been popping up on their radars for years but seemed once in a while harder to reach for then ever imagined.

Stallie is very happy for these two very special friends. One that is for sure a very devoted god mother to a 7 year old. And the other blessed with some extra content is somebody who I miss almost daily. I hope that their pregnancies will be not to hard to digest and that in the end they can just smile away and hold on to that special bundle of love. I can't wait to get my hands on these little angels. One this summer and the other will have to wait a bit longer because I will have to cross the Atlantic in order to be able to count its fingers and toes. But a promise is a promise!

P.S.: The cartoon I chose along with this entry is more for the two daddies to be. Because I am sure that both of them are also 'expecting' along with their beloved wives. And yes, I think that both of them will be kind of overprotective once they hold their bundle of love in their arms. Both of them will rock next to that baby cot and diapers won't hold any secrets to you any more! LOL

So expecting happy ladies this one here below I picked out just for the two of you!!!

Moet je zien

Moet je zien, dit is mijn kindje,
het woont nu nog op de maan.
Kijk, die slaapmuts en die schoenen
met die belletjes eraan.

Dit is de foto die ze maakten
in het ziekenhuis: Het Leeft!
Met een fluit en een viool
- al wat het later nodig heeft.

En soms hoor ik ook een trommel,
katteklop, soms hard, soms zacht.
Het is donker waar mijn kind woont,
waar mijn kind woont is het nacht.

Want het is nog niet te geloven,
in mijn buik is alles zwart.
Maar mijn kindje geeft zelf licht
en blaast sterren naar mijn hart.

Sjoerd Kuyper, 'Ik blijf altijd bij je', p 11)

Portrait of Father

2011-06-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

Yes, I still celebrate Father's Day. P is now the lucky one who gets all the attention, art work, poems recited by heart and a gift wrapped up with love. It is a day that I now also call my mum to tell her that she is doing such a good job. Because ever since our dad died she is trying to be both.

I told her today while looking over the beach and the morning sun was blessing me that I do think that she does a splendid job. Dad for sure had been good father to us but now that she was on her own she did kind of did many things my dad used to do. She laughed and said that he was now pushing up the daisies and must be lying quite peacefully in that grave of his. Not that I don't miss him. I still do! But yes, time does kind of take care of many side effects.

You give it the space in your life that it seems to deserve. So, it doesn't suffocate me anymore, it can't make me scream out loud anymore, it can't make me run of or make me wake up in the middle of the night. Or at least not as often anymore! Yes, it has taken me to ages to give the grief and the loss the 'right' place in my life.

It can still suddenly make me cry when I watch one of these B-movies where a dad has this heart to heart with his daughter or I even change channels when I see a daughter drag her dad to aisle where the groom is waiting! I don't think that will ever change. Do I mind? No!! So today I gave my dad only the air time that he deserved and then handed over my father's day gift to P. He is doing a damn good job and I can tell you that A totaly agrees with that one.

While browsing over the internet I did came across this nice story about a father and daughter and I love it. It for sure tells a lot of how I feel about my dad. The message hidden in here I do think I have felt from very close by. I took me such a long time to set him 'free'. Don't get me wrong I still miss him and would give millions to have back next to me. But I do seem to cope a lot more easily with the loss. I have given it the space in my heart where it can linger around without paralyzing me. Happy to walk around and sometimes not seeing his shadow next to me!

No, we also not have many pics of my dad. In my dreams he does not even have a face anymore. He also sits most of the time with his back to me when he pops up. I recognise his voice but he is not as 'visible' alive in my dreams then a few years ago. The mind-portrait I painted of my dad is for sure the most abstract portrait I ever created but every time we do meet up in the dark I can recognise him.

A few months ago I walked into the office of my mother, that used to be was my dad's, and I saw this framed picture hanging against the wall. It had not been there before. I couldn't resist and took a picture of it. This time I did not ask my mum where she had found it or how it ended up there. I was tempted to do so but I just stood there and was enjoying the view!!!

Some say we never really know another person, that we really have only our perceptions of another while the real person remains a mystery, perhaps even to himself. At no time does this seem truer than after a person's death when perceptions are all that remains. It's a truth that came home to me vividly after my father's death.

My father's office called my mother soon after he died to say they had decided to name one of their conference rooms in his memory. He had been prominent in their firm and they wanted to have a portrait of him to hang in the room. So we sat down, my mother, my brother, my sister and I, and began sorting through boxes and trunks, looking for pictures of him that could be used by the portrait artist.

Curiously, there weren't many. He'd never been fussy about having his picture taken, especially in his later years when he was crippled with arthritis. We finally came up with a handful, ranging from his Air Force picture when he was in his late twenties to a snapshot of him at age 60, sitting, cane in hand, in a lawn chair in the yard.

My brother's artist friend volunteered to do the portrait. We gathered in great anticipation when it was finished and my brother brought it for us to see. It was hideous. The artist started from my father's picture as an old man and tried to shave a few years off him. Dorian Grey's portrait looked better.

So I, the youngest daughter, piped up and suggested that he try again, this time starting with my father's Air Force picture and making it a little older.

A month later the portrait arrived. Everyone stared at it for a long time. My sister, always a very black and white person, announced as soon as she saw it that she didn't like it; it wasn't him. My mother agreed that it looked like his Air Force picture but said she just couldn't remember my father back that far anymore. My brother liked it well enough but he said he really didn't have an eye for these things. He never got along well with Dad so I think he felt that disqualified him.

The firm didn't like the portrait either. The secretaries all remembered him as the wizened old man shuffling to his office. Even his partner of 30 years preferred to remember him that way. So they retained their own artist and commissioned another portrait, the portrait of an old man.

I have the original portrait. It sits on the floor in my office. It's the father I remember from my childhood, the one who suited up and strode out the door every morning to tame dragons when I was small, the one who threw me up in the air, rode me on his shoulders, my first love.

Mind you, I haven't hung it on the wall. It stands on the floor in my office. While I love having him with me while I work, I wouldn't want him getting the impression he's in charge here.

Copyright © 1998 Jan M. Simpson

P.S.: My dad was did buy tons of record and the 'Junglebook' by Disney was one of the first he bought for us to enjoy. This was one of his favorite songs and we were allowed to crawl on him and sing along! And the scratching we gave him he just loved!!! 'Bare Necessities' is for me the song that I play when I come to think of my father's necessities!

The Speechless Postman

2011-05-28T01:42:00.000-07:00

This is an exhausted speechless teacher who just is a bit lost for the moment. Not that I take personal what happened or at least I try not. But my body tells me that I have been suffering a bit the last few days. Not that I am giving up because the last month before summer break is about to start and then I need to be on top of things.

While being a bit less active speechwise I then suddenly find the time to check out the website of my former balletschool where I am planning to go back after this summer. I even mailed them today to ask them to keep me up to date in order to sign up for lessons next dance season. The Pilates lessons are also a fact and I can tell you that they sometimes hurt like h***. This is getting serious, don't you think so?

But the pics and videos I got to see while hanging out there turned me even more speechless but then with a smile on my face. I even happened to recognise some faces. Most of them look older but it were all dancing faces and these don't need words to get their message across.

Now that I come to think of it my last live public performance was not only on music but also on words. Words that got to me and were able to touch my soul. This music took me to a very nice sunny island where the post is brought by a very nice postman who is not that articulate with words. He therefor then calls in the help of the talented poet Pablo Neruda. Tears are rolling down my cheeks while this one is on.

But you can be assured these are tears of joy and remembering the very good times I had out there with the 'older' ladies on stage. I have not listened to this one for over 8 years because it like opening one of the final doors. So today the postman stopped by and brought me this message and it silences me....

Words are strong, they can break you down
But I try to forget
to feel relaxed and rest
I go into my thoughts in my imagination
And though days may be tough,
I'm rocked by sweet illusions
And I try to hear the leaves moving slowly on the wind's melody
And I try to see the beauty of the sunshine hiding behind the sea
But they shout and they argue
and everyone talks so loud
And my head is aching and painful, too
So hush, don't say a word
Hush and the storm will stop
Hush, there's too much noise for me
Please don't say a word

- Clémence Dufrasne

Teacher In Combat

2011-05-25T07:23:00.000-07:00

Stallie is a teacher. And she likes her profession. But after 13 years spending in front of the black board I wonder if the job description I did sign up for at time is still up. I doubt it. One look over my shoulders at the end of the day and I know that more then ever I am more then just a person who is pouring some knowledge into the brains of fierce teenagers.

But did I ever sign up for that when I decided to go for that teaching degree? Let me think, let me think very hard. Uhm, hard to say. In the first place my intention was rather to make sure that kids got to learn something new. When I then decided that special ed was the audience I prefered above A-level students I was aware of some pitfalls. This teacher was very aware that she was going to have to deal with a lot more then just unfinished homework assignments and teenagers who did not seem to care about school...

But lately I have a bit of a hard time to link my job description to what I seem to be doing more and more:

- I am told more and more that I am in command of children their well being and this on all fronts. Even my own pupils tell me. They even consider me 2nd in command after their parents. So that then means that I am so to speak their lieutenant general. And those do yell once in time to get their point across.

- I have to be prepared to be called less nice names. Kids are very creative in coming up with 'funny' names when they want to get your attention. They just then seem to forget that words do hurt. Okay, I do put on a bullet proof vest before I go into my classroom.

- I face more and more pupils who seem to have a very hard time to combine school, friends, family and free time. Many times entering my classroom feels like I am entering a minefield. In some cases I can find the detonator in time to make sure that there don't take place some major explossions in my classroom. Unfortunately I do sometimes miss by an inch or is the bomb that intelligent planted that I do miss the signs and just have to face the bloodshed and the casualties. All that is then left for me to do is calling in the medic and hoping he can patch them up in no time.

- I am not always considered their best friend and not popular. Especially by the ones who I keep telling that they should pay attention. The more I point out that it is important to keep all your senses open, keep your material ready for battle and make sure that you keep fit by going to bed before midnight and store away in time or shut down all electronic devices because if you do not then your worst enemy might find you in no time: exhaustion.

- There are even days that I have to deal with mutiny. My troops then have the tendency to turn against me. Order in the classroom is then hard to find and then I need to be negotiator. Cautiousness is then my biggest alley out there on the battlefield but still I might end up losing a few of my best soldiers out there. Some of them never return 'home' and decide to keep hanging out the edge of 'nobody's land'.

- More and more I am engaged into battle with the invissible enemy. I sometimes go blind and need tons of high tech protection gear to make sure that I get unharmed out of a battle. Because even my own troops do not always trust me. They then decide to keep things to themselves and then forget that this causes also chaos. Communication is in the heat of the battle the key to victory. So when one soldier then decides to ignore commands and instructions then it is no wonder we are about to lose some gained terrority. But I must say that fighting with night vision googles on is rather tiring and that I sometimes just need to let go.

- Having to call in other troops when my tactics seem to fail. I then need to call in the Green Barrets because these special forces then need to engage in something that I still seem to fail at. And believe me 'search&rescue, security assistence, peacekeeping, humanitarian assistence and demining, psychological operations, manhunts and counter-drug operations are nowadays actions that do take place in a schoolbuilding.

- Facing court martial once in a while. Some of my best soldiers sometimes make me end up in court. First we try to settle the issue behind closed doors and does my attorney advice me to stay calm and not lose it all together. I then give them an other chance to show me what they are worth out there in the jungle or when having to face open fire. We then both dust of our combat boots and take a long hot shower in order to start over fresh.

Oh dear, it seems that I have signed up for the army rather for being a teacher. Okay, I hope you do know I am bit overreacting. But I do want to point out that I can't be just a Blue Helmet the whole time when I am out there trying to fight the teenage monsters and trying successful to finish any operation without losing anybody on the way. Armed with only chalk, an apple and a grading system I would not even make it through day 1!

BUT still.... I do hope that most of my pupils do trust me. Because yes, I do still will catch a granate for them when an enemy is throwing one at them. The biggest weapons I do have while I am out there are compassion and sympathy. I still feel responsible for each of them put under my command and so I do grant them many chances to get it right. I just hope that they also do realise once in a while that I also need to be granted a few extra shots to aim right and hit the bullseye! Because in the end I do need to make my pupil's targets and that is what counts the most to my general. So you better be ready for combat when entering my classroom!

On The Friendship Frontier

2011-05-22T23:19:00.000-07:00

For the moment I am hanging out at the friendship frontier. It is a spot in my mind that I not go that often anymore because I have not always have got that much time to go there. In most cases I end up there because 'friends' make me bursting into that spot. And when I am standing at the edge of the border and wondering where to put a person, what label I am granting him or she I feel a bit out of tune. Because I then also face the fact that I have to miss many friends.

Like most of us I have got friends close by and in far of places. Some of them I hardly ever going to see and there are some even who I might never get to see. Because they just wish to stay alive in the Tweet-form. But lately I miss my friends that are not on Twitter and who are not very close by. People who are not active on social networks or not post that many pics on their Facebook account.

Through out the years I have made many friends and also lost a few. Sometimes it happens because time just catches up with you. You seem to lose each other out of sight and life treats you different in some aspects. This then creates gaps and some of them you can't seem to cross over anymore. You become strangers and in a way that is just the way life goes.

It is almost a painless act. For a split second you might realize one day that you have not seen,talked,mentioned, wondered about and many more acts about this specific person. He or she vanished out of your daily vocab and seems not to be worth the attention. Quite a natural act because life does that to you.

It happened to me a few times to me also in a rather painful way. People then just openly told me that the friendship is over. It is then you suddenly become very aware of the fact that even friendship is fragile and does come in many shapes and forms. I am a sensitive person and I care so that makes me also rather a vulnerable person. Not that I then started to fight back and try to make clear to these people that they were making a mistake.

Lately am very careful when it comes down to friendship. I do not trust anybody that easily more then a year ago. I learned my lesson quite well on the friendship front. And I am also finding out the hard way that you have to miss your best friends many times more then you have them close by. For the moment many friends!! Some of them don't live that far but others I need to board a plane for in order to see them.

I MISS THEM and I never know when we will meet again. Because time plays tricks on us and the future might take us even further apart. I have now friends living all over the globe and I feel very happy for them that life has been treating them well. I just wished for the moment that I had my own private jet. That when I am desperately in need of a heart to heart with a friend being over in a different time zone I can be there in no time. Now I sometimes have to settle for the answering machines and Facebook walls and to be honest that ain't just not good enough.

The ones I have close by I just don't tell enough that I am very grateful to still wanting to hang out with me, putting up with my complaints and other less fun mood swings and much more less funny moments that you might have second thaughts about being friends with me. Sometimes I wonder if I am out there hanging over the edge of the friendship gap! ;-) I can't just put down in a few words what you all mean to me.

'Hom-pom-pom', is humming Wolf, 'Hi Lamb. What a nice weather?'
'Homof', knort Lamb
'Realy weather for being in a good mood.', says Wolf. 'Hom-pom-pom.'
'Humpf.', grumbles Labm. He is sitting at a little table in front of his house.
'Are you in a bad mood?', Wolf asks.
'Yes,' says Lamb? 'Because of this letter.'
On the table there is lying a sheet of paper.
'What kind of letter?', asks Wolf.
'My letter to you,' says Lamb.
'For me?', yells Wolf. 'Awesome! I never get mail. Never ever.'
'No. Because you won't even get my letter,', says Lamb.
'What a pitty,' says Wolf. 'Why not?'
'It does not work,' yells Lamb. 'Beacause I can't write.'
'No,' says Wolf. 'Then it won't work. What a pitty about my mail.'
'But I do want to write that letter,' screams Lamb. 'Because I do know what is in that letter.'
'What does it say?'
'Dear Wolf,' says Lamb. 'I write you this letter. Because I am very happy.'
'No,' says Wolf, ' you aren't. You are angry.'
'First I was happy,' says Lamb. 'Don't talk in between my letter.'
'Okay,' says Wolf.
'I am happy,' continues Lamb, 'because I will see you later. Or I will you see you a bit later, in case I won't see you later. But I do see you today. Because you are here. And I am here. I like it when you are here.'
'What a nice letter,' Wolf whispers.
'Realy?', wonders Lamb.
'The nicest letter I ever got,' says Wolf.
'Realy?', asks Lamb.
Wolf takes the paper from the table.
'This letter I am going to keep, Lamb,' he says.
'Realy?', asks Lamb.
'For the rest of my life,'says Wolf.
'Hom-pom-pom-pom,' is humming Lamb. 'Do you notice what kind of weather it is today, Wolf? Nice weather, ain't it? For sure weather for being in a good mood.'(source: 'Brief' by Ben Kuipers, 'De kracht van woordjes 2', p.22-23)

Blood Into The Open!

2011-05-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Uhm, uhm... I guess that I have some explaining to do. After posting that last entry it seems that I have scared the hell out of some people. Sorry about that! I had not the intention to do so but if I am not mistaken I had already pointed out that I would only post it if I knew what was going on.

Because for quite some time I did not. Don't start calling me now a freak or such. I am not the type to run to a doc the moment I start to sneeze or feel an itch somewhere. I am blessed with having my own 'Carlisle Cullen'-inhouse doc. This comes in very handy in case of certain medical emergencies. And yes, P does calm me down when I think that I have something lethal. I do trust my other significant on that part blindly but this time it was a bit different.

Since January I am losing weight. Or at least that is when I started to notice that I was losing it. People who happen to know me in the flesh can witness that the Stallie 10 years ago looked quite different then the one they had to deal with ever since my son was born. Not that I wished to call me obese but according to my private doc there was some work to be done.

So turns out that I did take care of that in a very convincing way because suddenly people around me started to notice. At work, at A his school, friends and family were pointing out to me that something had changed about me. Now, I am not good in dealing with compliments. In a way I don't know how to deal with them. Sometimes I even think that people don't mean what they say when they pay me a compliment. And as long as P was not noticing anything remarkable about my body I just did think that they all were overreacting.

I have to be honest that the moment I got to buy my newest pair of dark blue cool Tommy Hilfiger-jeans it was the best feeling ever. For over 10 years I had not bought new jeans. Shopping is fun but fitting clothes takes time and I always feel a bit tensed when I know that there are 2 over energetic men waiting outside. And I also hated the fact that I had to ask in most cases for a bigger size. Self confidence killer. So, mission 'weight lose' accomplished you must be thinking. Happy ending for Stallie! Huray get the champagne out because the 'old' Stallie is back. Still,...

Well, since a few weeks I was paying attention to my body a bit more. I noticed I had blue spots on my legs and arms. Not just one or two but I had the impression that I had walked into a white van once more. I am tempted to call my self a bit the Twilight character 'Bella Swan' when it comes down to clumsyness. I can walk into doors, hit everything that stands still and stair cases even only the ones consisting out of two or three stairs can make me trip and then hit something that is in the way. But still...

I also was experiencing a rash that I could not put my finger on. And I had also sometimes this rather tingling sensation in my hands and feet. My hands were also kind of shaky at some moments. I did not feel that happy when I then did that one thing that some docs hate their patients doing. Stallie went on the internet and starting to google most of these out- and inside symptoms. Not that I told P or any befriended doc I was doing so. Because most of them are very sensitive about patients playing diagnostists themselves. But I don't think that I need to tell you that the word 'cancer' was a constant hit when I was googling away.

And after days of contemplation I did call my GP to get the blood out in the open. I now wanted to know if I was in my blood as fine as I felt. Because yes, I feel great and more alive then ever. But there is this kind of fatalistic touch to my brain. It was also my GP who for the first time mentioned the word cancer out loud. It made a shiver go down my spine while he said so and was sucking out blood in tubes. He did try to calm me down but the seed was already planted into my mind. Stallie her brain was already in over drive.

So by the time I got home I was running wild and could not relax anymore and then I had two options. Start calling people or write is down to get it out of my system. The first option I did not prefer because I did not 'openly' want to talk about it. Like I was then opening Pandora's Box. So I then decided to go for the blog.

Seems that I just had forgotten that also on there people 'listen'. People read my blog and some of these people seem to care about me. I am not on my own out there in the blogger-world. I admit that I had doubts about posting it but it are still words that do so well describe what I was feeling the last few days. I was running scared!

I am not anymore. I am fine. Believe me because I believe it. My blood tells me so and it told me even much more then I hoped for. I am declared healthy. On top of that I have now got a very cool plastic card with my blood type on it. Today I can go and pick up my results in a envelop.

Tonight I will hand them over to P and he will then roll his eyes. Next he will tell me once more that I should stop acting like a fool and start trusting him when it comes down to these things. Perhaps he then will call me a hypochondriac! Serves me right! But I had my very personal reasons to get this blood out in the open.

Perhaps I needed proof black on white to finish up my mental make-over. Putting to an ultimate test what I have been practicing now. I am trying to get used to the Stallie that now can walk around in the jeans that she considered out of reach and the one who this week was standing in front of her old ballet school. Next time I am ready to walk in there and then tell them that I am back and this time for real. My blood is going to run wild on the dance floor!

Running Scared

2011-05-16T03:22:00.001-07:00

Yes, I am scared for the moment.

...

I can not talk with many about what I feel like for the moment.
I think that it even might bring bad luck if I do and that even writing about is like opening up Pandora's box. Still...

...

It scares the hell out of me.

...

I am facing at least 24 hours of waiting and hoping that my 6th sense has let me down for once.
I don't wish to be always right when it comes down to internal feelings and emotions.
I try not to check my body for outside signs of what I think might be going on inside of me.
For once I wish to ignore my internal radar.
Every minute that I happen to forget about what might be going on deep inside of me I do feel a bit more relieved.
I might pray tonight once for my own sake.
I hope that P is for once so damn right that I am overreacting like I do when it comes down to this.
I want time to go once faster then ever and that the moon will be having a soothing effect on me.

...

All I can do is sit here and wait for that the clock tells me that the time has come to pick up the phone and to dial that one phone number. In order to find out what I can not see and feel because that is what blood does. It hides the secret code of life and at the same time it is the bearer of good and bad news.

...

Yes, I am scared for the moment.

P.S.1: I am only going to post this entry when I have found out what is going on with me. But it has been writen at a moment that I did think that I might be facing something that does scare the hell out of me. I have seen what it does to a human body.

P.S.2: There are two songs that I think fitting to along with this entry. First of all Dido her 'Everything To Lose'. A song that is on the soundtrack of 'Sex and the City 2'. The lyrics go much deeper then the average conversation Carrie has got with her friends in this rather tacky movie. But then, don't have many songs got a double meaning?
The second song I decided to chose the winner of Eurovision 2011 to end up here as well. It is a love ballad and it is for sure not my personal favorite (I love the Italian song above all! ;-) ) but it does reflect the feelings I am experiencing for the moment.

In A Dark Wood Wandering

2011-05-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

All that goes up has to come down at a certain moment of time. And yes, it is my time. Okay, so this then means that all the things I have been posting about mindfullness and feeling rather positive now are going to be tested. BIG TIME!!! I refuse to let the demons back in and I am kicking back. Very hard! I just hope that they get the message. I am not going back there where I have been spending quite some time. I refuse to let the negative energy becoming the major force in my mind and beyond.

Is is always easy to state that you are a true believer in 'Mindfullness' and such when things are going smooth and according to plan. Then you seem to have found the way of dealing with thunderstorms and other less appealing ingredients. I do hear often the comment about lifestyle books that they are only working when your life is blissful. What if you hit the wall, or face a constant fear or sensation of pain?

Uhm, 'the proof of the pudding is in the eating', is one of my personal favorite English expressions. So yes, most of these theories can only be proofed successful when you face the less nice sides of life. I am now facing troubled times and moments that I will seem to have the impression that nothing goes according to plan. There will be people around me who will try to crawl back into my mind and take possession of it. Liking it or not. I know the signs and feel them. My body tells me very straight forward what is going on inside of my mind.

I can try to ignore those signs. Act like nothing is happening. Then I can put on my sunglasses and just try to walk through the dark forest. And then just hope that I will not have walk into one of these traps. Very easy and very safe. But then the past told me that your faith always meets up with you. Sooner or later you have to face it.

In the past I have been always very envious of:
-people who seem have found the ability to face the consequences of their choices or can go with the flow.
-people who seem to take things less personal or not give into the dark side.
-people who seem to have found the ultimate tool to call the shots at any time. -people who always act according to their believes, values and principles.
-people who are perfectly in balance and this even when there is a major crises going on.
-people who are the boss of their own emotions.
-people who can deal with loss, pain and heartache without bugging anyone else about it.

But then I have found out that most of these people also have their own demons. They just seem to be hiding them a bit better then the more emotional type. It is sometimes strange to find out that the 'stronger' personality you meet up also have got their flaws. They have got the ultimate camouflage technique and walk around on this globe hoping that no one will ever find out.

Now, I try to find alternative ways of dealing with this nearing mind-attack. Yes, I am scared and I am already bugging P and some other friends about what I am experiencing. I also know that P is hoping that he won't have to face the 'same' Stallie over again. He must have been suffering as well. Because it is not always a walk through Central Park with me. I must say that I am very grateful to him that he is still putting up with me.

A few days ago he was also the one who said out loud what I already had been saying to some other people who are facing the same challenge as I do. 'Nothing will be the same anymore. Things have changed. Some might not know yet but sooner or later they will find out that you can not always turn back time!' So I guess that while I am walking through the dark woods I will encounter other 'lost' souls. Some might not know yet that they have entered the dangerous zone where they will be tested others will find a true alley in me in order to walk out with a smile on their face.

P.S.1: My favorite part of Dante is very long and complex poem 'Inferno' by Dante is this part. It does for sure state what I feel like when I enter my 'dark forest'.

" Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straight-forward pathway had been lost.

Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
Which in the very thought renews the fear.

So bitter is it, death is little more;
But of the good to treat, which there I found,
Speak will I of the other things I saw there.

I cannot well repeat how there I entered,
So full was I of slumber at the moment
In which I had abandoned the true way.

But after I had reached a mountain's foot,
At that point where the valley terminated,
Which had with consternation pierced my heart,

Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders,
Vested already with that planet's rays
Which leadeth others right by every road." (source: Inferno, Canto 1, Dante)

P.S. 2: This is perhaps a very strange music choice to go along with this entry. But still in most cases the darker moments in my life do hit me right between the eyes. And yes in this clip the the Twin Towers of NYC are still there. And yes, I try to fight back with my biggest weapon ever: LOVE!!!

Backup In The Mind And Beyond!

2011-05-08T23:55:00.001-07:00

I have been out for quite some time. And have tons of excuses to explain why not a single entry showed up. Mostly the weather is to blame. The last few weeks Belgium seems to be rather the South of France. I already have that light tan in my face that only shows up around June. Nice!

In a way the last few weeks were so busy that I just could not find the time to blog. Also there were the clichés popping up. Like the first of May that always makes me feel very fragile. For once I just fought back against the urge of diving into my keyboard and just went by the flow that day.

And other valuable excuse is that I am so much wrapped up in living that I just can not find the right words to express what I feel. I don't know if it makes sense but I for sure have mentioned before that there are moments that I can feel the rush of adrenaline racing through my veins. It is then like a red Ferrari is racing through my body and that I do feel so strong that I am even tempted to just beat any speed record. Do I make sense? Uhm, doubt it.

Not that I then behave like the pink Energizer Bunny. Nope. You might even find me more then ever in churches or other silent havens to take some time out and contemplate. Because in combination with the visits I pay to A his practice is there that I have found out the following facts about me, myself and I:

- I am one of these social animals that needs breaks and space.
- I am one of these people that goes to the movies on her own.
- I am one of these human beings who likes to wander around in a city all by herself and with only an iPod Nano as company.
- I am the one who you might meet up in a museum all by herself dreaming away in front of a painting.
- I am visiting churches in order to find out where that stronger divine force is hanging out there that I am after and lighten tons of candles.
- I am not afraid to go into a brasserie by myself and order a nice dessert and enjoy every single bite of it without any guilt.
- I am dancing away in the kitchen when nobody can see me. Unless my Scottish neighbour is out there with his binoculars.
- I am sometimes taking pictures of very strange objects and strangers because they catch my attention. So you better say cheese when I try to frame you with my camera.
- I am able to walk into bookshops and not buy a single book but still have smell a story.
- I am happy when other people are happy. This feeling can already be triggered by many things and people. You might be one of them!!!

I could go on for hours but I also have found out some gloomy facts about myself. This list is also long and distinguished. Trust me, I am not very proud of myself when they come to the surface. But hey, I am only human. The last few months I have been fighting back and trying to find the balance I am after.

People around have noticed for sure the difference. You can see it. No doubt about it. Yes, I have not only been dragging along weight in the litural sense but also n the one. Weight that I got rid of. It was the best feeling ever to walk into a shop to fit into a pair of jeans that you did think was out of reach or to fit back into those nice stylish pants that you wore when you were 10 years younger. I gave me a kick.

But there is more then just the outside of Stallie that is changing. Not that I am having planned a total inner make over of my inner self. Some things will never change. These are just me and part of my innerself. Because I have found that in a way I am the one who is calling the shots.

In the course of this process I also have found out that am surrounded by many people who care about me and give me lots of advice. I hope from the bottom of my heart that most of these people will keep on doing that. Because I need that as well to function well.

But still, I am the only one who can make it happen. Scary at times and I can tell you that the day that I decided to walk into the attic and search for that one box where my toeshoes and other ballet things were stored away I was shaking. That day I had to keep up a happy face when I found out that strangely enough all was gone.

Seems that there was once a Stallie that decided to throw away her toeshoes and ballet cloths. Strangely enough I can not even remember that act. It seems like it was erased from my mind. And yes, I did shed a few tears because of this. I just could not imagine that I had once functioned in that way. Like I had been a stranger.

Perhaps I had already made up my mind that ballet was the past because it was linked to feelings, emotions, events, a personality that I had considered the definite past. Well, was I wrong! And now I am facing shoppping with my sister for new dancing outfits and searching a ballet school where they let in an older lady with stiff muscles.

Where do I lately find the strength to face the consequences of this act and some other now foolish looking ones? Because some people have asked me the last few months what my secret recipe is, what do I do differently then before, and what I have done in order to find the inner strength to move on and face my destiny. Well, that is not easy to answer because it is a personal process. What works for me might not work for you.

I am tempted to call it 'Mindfullness' but I am trying to cook my own recipe instead of just following the onz that you can find in one of the many books or the workshops. But if I am allowed to give you perhaps some useful tips that might work for you then I gladly copy the list I read recently in a women's magazine. These are the 7 steps you have to follow according to a psycologist Brenda Shoshanna to get some rest into your busy and chaotic mind:

1. Have the courage to be the person you realy are. So don't imitate or fake your personality. In the long run the real one will catch up with you.

2. Embrace change. It might be a very conforting thaught that everything can stay and should stay the way it is. But the natural way of life is about change in many forms and

3. Be prepared for the unexpected. Fear can be your worst enemy and can paralysize you. The best way coping with this is living by the cliché mantra that:'Action speaks louder than words'!!

4. Be once in a way vulnerable. Pain and getting hurt are not the best feelings ever but they are part of the human existence. If you try to avoid you might even miss out on a few nicer life experiences.

5. Love is the answer! Change your point of view when dealing with this. It is very simple to give into self hatred or hate. But what you see in others can also been seen by others.

6. Try to be less in control of things. You might wish to be behind the steering wheel on this voyage but once you accept that this is not always possible the richer you will consider your life.

7. Stop comparing yourself with others. Yes, the grass is always greener at the other side. But you are at one side and you might be going to stay there for a while. So you better try to make the best out of it. Otherwise you might end up all by yourself.

I have found out the very hard way in the past that most of these things seem so easy but that before you know you walk into a trap. The harder you then start to kick or start to feel sorry for yourself the longer it will take to find the peace of mind you are after.

On the way to 'salavation' I also found that you need others in this process. You need people that have got faith in you, cheer you on, keep you focused, give you once in a while a shoulder to cry on, let you be the person you are without showing prejudice, stay honest with even when it hurts, make you laugh out loud, can be quiet together with you, question your acts and behaviour, and do so much more then you ever hoped for.

Before A was born P called him 'Back-upje' ('tiny backup'). One look in his eyes and one hug work like a magic potion. And when he today kissed me goodbye at the school gate, walked in all by himself I then saw him making eyecontact with the teacher and he then said very clear:'GOODMORNING'! The smile and the answer he got of this teacher made me even smile more. While I walked back to my car I did feel that he is already backup for many around him. So trust me like stated in the great movie 'About A Boy':'We all need back up!!!' In what ever shape and form it may come.

Happy Easter!!!

2011-04-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

There is so much I want to write about.
There are so many emotions that are for the moment active inside of me.
There is so much joy around of me that it is contagious.
There are so many good friends to share to good times with.
There is still the home that I can return home to.
There is the sun that fires me up.
There is white wine and bottles of champagne chilling in the fridge just in case that you might pass by.
There is my little camera with the visible proof that the last few weeks were for sure unforgetable.
There is my pair of pink ballerina shoes with which I danced with for hours under the stars.
There is my tube of sun screen that I applied with a big smile on my face.
There is the smell of spring flowers when I walk through my mum's house.
There is my huge collection of chocolate waiting to be dived into.
There is my lovely other significant one who looks awesome in his new blue shirts.
There is my godchild E who made me 'smile with my liver'.
There is the sound of birds when walk to the bakery for freshly baked croissants.
There is the needle that hits my chi.
There is the breathtaking golden treasure of Tut.
There is the ride in the nice car of P.
There are the colorful trees filled up with cottonballs and ready to huged.
There is little iPod Nano that spiced up my life music wise.
There is my metro ticket that brought me to some nice places in Brussels.
There is my stack of books that still enables to surprise me.
There is red of delicious sweet strawberries on my t-shirt.
There is my new wardrobe that proofs that I did 'change' a bit.
There are sandals lying in to hall ready to be tripped over.
There is the smell of barbecue in the air when I open the window in the evening.
There are purple and yellow tulips brightening up my living room.
There is A who wakes me up with a big kiss on my nose.
There is so much..... to be grateful for on this very sunny Easter morning.

One look over my shoulders and I can for sure state that was one incredible nice Spring break. Today we celebrate life and new beginnings. I believe that the paschal mystery is something we humans can experience inside of ourselves. Besides all the misery and pain and other troubles that show up in our dialy lives there is this undefinable power inside of us that can lift us up. Today I am very grateful for what I have received in my life. Yes, I kept my lentpromise that I would only start to enjoy chocolate on this particular day. So Easter bunny you better show up very soon because this year it is not only A who can't wait to start egg racing!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Alive And Kicking

2011-04-16T01:54:00.000-07:00

I am about to hug every single tree I come across and at the same time I wish to slam a few doors. This morning I told P what I was experiencing. For the moment Stallie would like to run a marathon and at the same time she just wishes to show the finger at her own reflection in the mirror. Spring is the air and Stallie is restless! All the energy that is bundled up in her seems not to find the right exit. Or it only seems to come out drop by drop.

It is like I am dragging along an IV-bag. Its drip that can cause myself hanging out at the dark and the light side and this at the same side. It is like a drug that I seem not to be able to resist and at the same time wish to spit out in order to get rid of the bitter sweet aftertaste.

Stallie feels alive and kicking, but this also means that she is having a hard time. I still don't manage to let go according to A. Yes, he planted 9 needles into my skin and twisted them around. You can be sure that I did feel them. The ones in my toes made me get goosebumps and one that was resting peacefully in my neck made me pulling funny but painful faces.

So I am having this love and hate relationship with my innerself. It is hard to explain to others. Because it is something that is so hard to put down in words. How in the world to I find the right words when it comes down to describing the most complex feeling that Stallie experiences when she does feel alive.

Fully alive! One look at the colorful trees that carry their white and pink blossoms makes me smile. I then wish to touch those every single of them. But I do not dare because one touch might disturb the fragile relationship that the pedals have with the branch. So I just stare at them and mindtravel.

Then it happens that Stallie might get lost in a very far off place where not many are granted access to. My senses are awakened and then I seem to lose it all together! I then want to jump of a roof into icecold water but at the same time wish to wrap myself into a very thick quilt to get warm again. The cool spring perfume that hits my nose in the morning makes me drive faster but at the same time I then wish to parc my car on a deserted parking lot and cry. This for no particular reason what so ever. The sunlight that hits the windows of my classroom guarantees my pupils a homework free evening. At the same time I feel so empty when I close the door of my classroom that I am about to colapse right there and give in! I desperately wish to plant my feet in the morning dew that is resting peacefully out there on the freshly cut grass but I do stay away because I do not wish to break any magical spell that might be at work out there in mysterious ways!

I am so grateful for the seasons but it also means that I suddenly am back out on an emotional rollercoaster. One without brakes and so I do not know when it will come to an end. No warning signs along this road. What might come across my road might make me laugh out loud or weep that I am about to use every single tissue I can find in my Mary Poppins bag. And yes, I even am tempted to slap some people right in the face when I think they deserve so. At the other hand I would run after each hurt animal with all the band aids I can find.

Chances are that when you would walk into my kitchen while I am doing the washing up that I am headbanging along some teenage music and sing totaly of key along. At the other hand I might have plugged in my headphones and be listening to the Requiem by Mozart and tears gliding down my cheeks. If I would have a horse close by I would be galloping in black beauty style down the beach while the seabreeze hits my face. At other hand I am about to wander around aimlessly in a very dark forest not knowing what is ahead, the cold sweat breaking out.

Uhm, Stallie, borderline? No, trust me that it is not! It more like my buddies Ying and Yang have decided to show me what powers are at work inside of me. The awakening nature seems to get Stallie out of her hibernating status. My senses are then very sharp and I am then more then ever aware of the very fragile state that I live in. Grateful I am then when I take a very good look at what I see. Not only what is close by and I can touch but also what I was granted to see, touch, feel, taste, experience, smell at some very special and specific moments of my life.

The best way to perhaps to get your head around is picturing Stallie trying to keep her balance on a slack rope that is out there high up in the sharp blue sky. In one hand I am holding a little umbrella with rainbow colors and the other one I am holding a red rose of which the red petals will fall of the moment I move to much. And the other image is Stallie out there in a cool sailing boat sailing away with on board all the people she holds close to her heart. I am then ready to Titanic style to be Rose and just let go and take very deep breaths.

In case you wonder if this a bad state to be in? I don't think so. It just is so hard to explain to others what I feel! If there was a way to let you travel along I would let you get on board. Still, I am kind of sure that many people out there to get my message, know what I am after. So, in case you wish to travel along but don't trust the captain I can asure there are enough life rafts on board in case you want to travel back to safer and calmer 'mind'-shores. 'All aboard!'

P.S.:Two songs that for sure express my innerstate: a golden oldie (Yes, you see it right that is Kate Cattrall!) and a modern 21st century girl with a warm voice.

'I've Got You Under My Skin!'

2011-04-09T09:11:00.000-07:00

Thank the lord, it is Spring Break! I am still catching my breath and I have moments that I still think that I am heading back to my classroom this coming Monday. Uhm, kind of going through detox. It did help to have been back to that cool salsabar and have a few colorful drinks with an exotic touch to them.

So yes, I wrapped up 2nd term succesfully. The least I can say about it that it has been a rather eventful term. Not a single day was the same and some very unpredictable things happened in my classroom. A room that I do like to call my professional homefront and where I manage to get my best results.

Not all days were a big hit and qualified to be called a hit. Nope! Some made my mind racing wild and I had some nightmares about some certain events. At the other hand it was this semester that I got challenged so much more because of my special projects that I got involved into. Yes, I am now a teacher on two fronts and on a call. LOVE IT! Let me stay focused and also putting things in the right perspective. When I walk now out one of the classroom where I have been trying to teach some kid something I do feel so much more then a year ago.

But I am mentaly tired out! And nope there has still not passed one week without a headache. On that part I still have some work to cover. 'Stallie, just let go!', is A, my caring but very straight forward manual therapist his favorite sentence when he is trying to 'unlock' me! He might call in the help of some needles to get his point across! Well, show me what you have got!

In the last 13 years I have learned so much about teaching that it makes my head spinn. Yes, just like in most other professional fields you can always learn more and trying to get better. Also do people who choose for the educational world do know that you come across many teachers and kids. It is a very colorful world with many hidden treasures. Many kids will manage to get the best out of you and in exchange they will show the best they have stored away for some special days.

But it is not the land of milk and honey! For sure it also has got those days that you might want to pull out the plug and run for a deserted island and start to doubt about the educational powers you have been granted! It happened to me this week. I was not happy when I saw the 'hurt' kid in front of me standing there with the terror in his/her eyes. I can tell you that these eyes even managed to paralyse me. For a split second I just was glued to the floor. It scared the hell out of me what I got to see and what I felt in that split second. And yes, I wanted to get as fast as possible out of MY classroom. The room where I am supposed to be the boss, the guide, the motivator and the one in charge.

Uhm, I openly admit here that at that moment I lost all my self confidence and that I just was going blind. And yes, I was about to fall on my knees for the person who just happened to walk in and kind of managed to get things back under control. Still, as you can guess, this eventful day in class was enough to get my unbalanced. It was all that I took to kind of erase the progress that I mentaly had made.

It frustrates me deeply when I seem to have triggered a kid and let him/her pass over to his/her dark side of his/her personality. Then I feel responsible for not having seen the signs early enough and prevented the outburst that destroys so much more then perhaps some material. And okay in most cases I might not even have been the reason of his/her otuburst. Still it hurts me deeply because I care...

Okay, I am not Dumbledore! So then I also don't consider myself as one of these teachers that is already experienced enough to read all the signs and know all the trics out of the book. But I do think that I am a bit prepared to deal with some less nice effects of teaching special ed kids. Still when the heat goes on, then you suddenly feel so vulnerable. You then see a kid, that you do consider your responsibility between office hours. So yes, Stallie did that afternoon have an after shock and did try to analyse what happened and even tried to travel along in the brain of this kid.

And yes, I was about to call my insurance company to sign up for that special coverage that they have got for teachers. But then I came to think of the fact that this extra insurance would not have saved me or the kid. It does not make a difference when something like this happens. I would have still gotten caught up in the same situation and still have walked out of my room dealing with the same feelings and questions and I would have still needed to catch my breath.

So I guess that A will have some work to do when I walk into his practice on Monday. Bring on that needle because I do think that it might make a difference to go under my skin this time. Because yes, it still lingers around a bit in my mind. Such things do make me a bit more experienced but also it left a scar in a spot that hides so many deeper feelings. But it is also that spot that I do hope inspires my teaching. Okay, the teaching got under my skin and it sometimes will drive me into despair and makes me run totaly insane.

Sounds like I am already in a very serious relationship! One that takes me to many places! For the moment I am out 'on the beach' and having a cuba libre and taking very deep breaths. Cheers! Happy spring break you!!!

God Created The First Teacher

On the 6th day, God created men and women.
On the 7th day, he rested.
Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do on the next day.
For it was on this day – the 8th day that God created the First Teacher.
This Teacher, though taken from among men and women, had several significant modifications.
In general, God made the Teacher more durable than other men and women.
The Teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 p.m. – with no rest in between.
The Teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight classroom for six hours with thirty-five “monsters” on a rainy Monday.
And the Teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation. Yes, God made the Teacher tough…but gentle too.
The Teacher was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student…of those of the sixteen-year-old girl who was not asked to the prom.
And into the Teacher God poured a generous amount of patience.
Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the Teacher has just repeated for someone else.
Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the fourth day in a row.
Patience when one-third of the class fails the test.
Patience when the text books haven’t arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.
And God gave the Teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart.
For the Teacher’s heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, “I hate this class—its boring!” and to love the kid who runs out of the classroom at the end of the period without so much as a “good-bye,” let alone a “thank you.”
And lastly, God gave the Teacher an abundant supply of HOPE.
For God knew that the Teacher would always be hoping.
Hoping that the kids would someday learn how to spell…
hoping not to have lunchroom duty…
hoping that Friday would come…
hoping for a free day…
hoping for deliverance.
When God finished creating the Teacher, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the Teacher was good. Very Good!
And God smiled, for when he looked at the Teacher, he saw into the future.
He knew that the future is in the hands of the Teachers.
And because God loves Teachers so much, on the 9th day God created “Snow Days.”

Author Unknown

My Autism Puzzle

2011-04-03T03:28:00.000-07:00

I survived April Fools day but not unharmed. A plastered (without me noticing!)a cut out fish on my back and then someone on Twitter managed to make me believe something that was rather 'impossible' to know. P analysed that Tweet in a nanosec and then started to LOL and then I felt so stupid for a nanosec. But at least some people got the crack out of naive Stallie.

Can I perhaps call in as an excuse that I was so tired of dragging along 9 attention demanding kids? Stallie was so happy that she had survived that project day at work without having to call in the SWATs but I was tired out by 4 pm. I even had fun and this even with having to put up with group #13. I can tell you that felt a bit like a curse on a Friday and this on April Fools Day. But yes, I had fun!

It are these days that I do feel at a my best as a teacher. I then need a bit more cheering to come lose but once I start to run and start to cheer for a pupil to make that meet it feels so good. The high five you get from a kid and the very sincere smile that flashes into your face can make you forget all the bad moments you experienced the last weeks.

Okay, some will still need to be cheered on a bit more because they seem to know only one sentence:'I can't do this!' 'Hey, come on you have still not tried. So we try together and then we can see if you are not able to do so!' I can tell you that surprisingly enough most kids need that extra encouragement. It is not linked to a certain handicap.

I bet that most of us have used or will still use that sentence once in a while. So do I. I even used it a few times on that special project day but I then came to think of the fact that I first had to try and then call it the day. Yes, on these days you need to be more then just a teacher who tries to get some facts across or teach them something about the world out there. It takes then more then a piece of chalk and a grading system to motivate them and make them do something extra.

Teaching special ed is to me still every day a challenge. When I gratuated as an English teacher I felt that this was something I truly wanted to do. I did not wanted to end up in an averge classroom filled up with teenage kids who are just meeting up with the puberty monster. Nope! It seemed that I needed something extra to be the best teacher I could possibly wanted to be or at least try to be.

So about 14 years ago I walked into a very special world, a world that changed everything that I had so for been thaught about education. Because that year I was given the opportunity to get into the world of Autism. 'If you can teach those kids you will be able to teach most kids out there!', this wise-looking principal told me. For a second I was in a panic. Because I had not expected to meet up with kids with Autism in a school for hear impaired kids.

But then it seemed that he gave an extra oppportunity to get close to something I did only knew from one single movie:'Rainman'. And that was about an adult so I had never in my life met a child with autism. So opportunity knocked on my door! And I decided to open that door but it was for sure with a shaky attitude!

In one year I got to learn so much about the world that I live in and the stuff I take for granted. It was strange to experience suddenly that not all of us seem to be able to tackle successfully many 'normal' actions. On top of that I suddenly became aware of how many 'stuff' we just undertake unconsciously. It was this group of lively and at the same time 'mysterious' kids who thaught me some very important lessons about life.

In my work environment and in my social life I do now meet up with Autism daily. I can not imagine a world without. In a way it has given me so much more then I hoped for. Not that is all milk and honey! Nope!! There is not a cure out there and there are no magic spells or potions you can use. In my honest opinion there also not exists something as the typical 'autistic' child or adult. We are all unique human beings. We all come along with our own personal manual. But these ones hide them very well. It is like they prefer to play hide and seek instead of just handing over everything on a silver platter.

The last decennia the word of Autism seems to be more present in most layers of society. When I get e-letter of educational publishers at least one book will be dealing with Autism, there are more and more specialists out who want to help you out, you can sign up for workshops almost every week if you want to, if you google the word you will need an other life-time to get through all the hits that show up on your screen and even on Twitter there are some amazing links to be found dealing with this subject.

For someone who wrote her final dissertation on social skills and autism I must say that the awaresness of Autism is booming. But is the world of today an eassier world for people with autism then at that time? Well, I can't tell. Even for 'normal' (what is in word?) functioning people it seems that this globe became a bit more complex to understand. So what must it then be for these kids and adults?

Stallie loves her job and when I find out that one of her pupils is dealing with autism her heart does open up. Not that I feel sorry for them. it is not compassion that I then experience. No, it is something I just can not put my finger on. These kids are my daily wake-up call they are keep me focused and sharp. They point out to me that there is so much more then meets the eye. That it is hard work to make it work and to let it make sense.

Yesterday, on the 2nd of April, it was World Autism Awareness Day! I don't know if you have been aware of it? I don't think so. Most people with Autism don't walk around with that word printed on their body or wear a t-shirt telling you that they are 'special' and need special treatment. Most kids I know dealing with autism try to hide it or are putting into practice the tons of survival techniques they have been thaught by mostly non-autistic adults!

13 years ago right after graduating from college someone said to me:'Seems that you have picked up a lot of stuff in your special ed studies but I wonder what you have picked up from your pupils?' I stood there and then it hit me that they had thaught me so much more then I could ever wish for. They still do and they are not even aware of it! So, right here & now I wish to thank all the people (of all ages and sizes and colors and cultural backgrounds) for what they have given me... THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

P.S.: Puzzle pieces are the perfect chosed symbol for Autism. In a way we all are trying to put together our own puzzle. How many pieces have you already picked up of your own puzzle and put in the right place? Well please be so kind and don't forget to once in a while pick of piece for someone dealing with Autism! Their puzzle might be the key to your much more inspiring puzzle!

La Dolce Far Niente

2011-03-26T03:53:00.001-07:00

P had already asked a few times when we were going to watch that DVD that was lying aroudn in our living room. 'You mean 'Eat Pray Love'?', I asked him. Considering that rather a movie for women searching for their innerself I did gave him a bit a strange look. Because I did doubt that P did know what that movie was about and I knew that he was not such a fan of Julia Roberts her lips.

But desperate times call for desperate measures! And last night I did think that the movie was the perfect wrap up of my rather mind-racing week. Stallie is working on her inner self and it is not easy. Weekly I have now a very caring manual therapist who gets his hand on me. Rather confrontating because he did manage to open up Pandora's box. This guy who just seems to breath ZEN whole the time does ask some very straight forward questions and does send me out back into the cruel terrifying world with even more questions. So what flies out of the box triggers my mind. But at the same time I do come to my senses at the end of the week.

It is like a mind-voyage you get to make. I must admit that I forgot about the word 'therapist' when I walked into the practice of A. First time it was also not he who put his 'healing' hands down my aching neck & back. First session was his colleague E who walked through all the standard questions and gave me the first five dates to note down in my busy agenda. But one week later I met up with the real stuff.

Outcome of the last session: walking into my rather dark side. The Stallie, that can be so undecisive, that seems to forget easily things and important data (Yeah, I even forgot my password for my e-mail account. Freaked out and did crash and burn right in our living room!), the crying kind (a tiny dead hedgehog next to the road can make my eyes fill up with tears), less relaxing (I then tend to listen not as closely to what people tell me because my mind is so preoccupied!), go bezerk in my car (sorry for all those people out there who got the less nice Stallie-treatment. My bodylanguage is very clear when you are less clear where you are heading for with your car!),... I could go on for hours...

So yes, last night I was ready to unwrap that colorful DVD and pop the disc into the dvd-player. I dived under my comfortable & warm blanket and then hit the play button. And yes, for 140 minutes I managed to let go. Something that I according to my therapist still not seem to manage. It is funny when it happens and that while you watch a movie, read a book, marvel at a certain piece of art or listen carefully to a piece of music that you then can let go. But still....

'Eat Love Pray' is more then just a movie. In the first place it is a real story of a real person. This 'real' story you can read in the book that the author got published in 2006. I do own it but I have to admit (while my cheeks are coloring red) that I still not have read a single page of it. It is way at the end of my high book stack that is waiting to be digested. No, Elizabeth Gilbert was not high up on my reading wishing list. Also the critics had not all been so blessing about her and that made her end up very low.

Guess sometimes you do change your mind because ...each country that Liz visited triggered a soft spot in my heart and made me marvel and smile. There are plenty catchy quotes I could now fire away at you to make you convince that this is the right movie & book (read the book first!!!) to get your hands on for a rainy or depressing day... But I am not going to because I think you should get the chance to hear them for the very first time yourself spoken by the right people and not by 'in-the-process-of- lost&found'-Stallie.

And no, I don't have the luxery to do the exact thing as Elizabeth Gilbert, who quit her job for a year and managed to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia to find 'everything' or her innerself. But according to many who are into 'mindfullness' and take meditation very serious you should be able to do it anywhere & at anytime. All you need is you. A delicious plate of pasta in Rome, a beach holiday in Bali or going into seclusion in an Indian Ashram might trigger it but then the voyage still has not come to an end. It seems to be something you need to work on constantly but it should not ask to much energy. At least once you get the hang of it.

Am I? No, I still seem not to be one of these people. You would get a crack out of seeing me trying get into meditation posture! (my sis does master this and there is a pic on here somewhere to proof it! Awesome sis!) I just fall of the bed. An when I try to concentrate on my abdominal breathing I am about to choke! But that is for sure a key to a better awareness of yourself! Not to mention the chanting you need to do to get into trance. I just seem not to be able to memorize the correct order of them or I start to play word games with them. Stallie at her best!

I just have found out that coming to your senses and finding what you are after in life does take time. My mum surprised me a few months ago with telling my that she got to that point... It was very scary and at the same time hopefull to hear her say outloud that she did find fulfillment. That the circle in her mind was fully drawn and she was content. And I do envy her.

When I look at her face I do see so much more then just a face. In her eyes I can see that sparkle that I am desperately seeking and want to keep on burning. Yes, she does believe in some of the 'hocus pocus' the asians try to teach us, the tensed westerns. Not that she walks through the house chanting and meditates the whole time or only cooks macrobiotic food or uses alternative ways of healing. She has found her own path through life and manages to stay on it long enough to find peace,....

So, seems I have still a long way to go. For the moment I am trying to optimize the art of 'la dolce far niente'. I guess I am already screwing that up by blogging, downloading a new wallpaper for my desktop, buying music on iTunes and getting a cool iPhone-app and becoming a member of an inspiring Facebook-page. And now I am searching for my word, a word that covers me, the whole me that can stand the test of time and tell it all. Nothing ground breaking that will change the world or bring extra profit to our household. At least not visible!

Yes, I can call in some extenuating circumstances to call for: it are things related to 'Eat Pray Love'. I am also very sure that when P asks me what I have been doing while he was out getting smarter on one of his medical conferences and I tell him honestly that he will say:'So basically you have not been doing nothing!' Hey, I master already 'far niente' and I am experiencing 'la dolce' of it. One down of that long list!!!

P.S.: When I browsed through the book I came across this section and I do so agree with this. And did not need to watch 'Star Wars' once more to agree! LOL

"Ketut, why is life all crazy like this?", I asked my medicine man the next day.
He replied,"Bhuta ia, dewa ia."
"What does that mean?"
"Man is a demon, man is god. Both true."
This was a familiar idea to me. It's very Indian, very Yogic. The notion is that human beings are born, as my Guru has explained many times, with the equivalent potential for both contraction and expansion. The ingredients of both darkness and light are equally present in all of us, and then it's up to the individual (or the family, or the society) to decide what will be brought forth - the virtues or the malevolence. The madness of this planet is largely a result of the human being's difficulty in coming into virtuous balance with himself. Lunacy (both collective and individual) results. "

('Eat Pray Love', Elizabeth Gilbert, p.250-251)

P.S.2: In case you wish to board on an adventurous mind-trip and dare to search for everthing then you might want to check out: http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/eatpraylove.htm
You can also find tons of 'cool' things on Youtube and google goes wild when you give in this title. The Facebook-page has got over 1 million fans and easy to find as well. And on Twitter they are also already busy with 'Eat Pray Love', and what about a cool iPhone App that fires of some inspiring quotes to spice up your day. It is all out there for you to discover!! But don't forget they are only tools, you need to work hard yourself to make it work for you!!!

P.S.3: This goosebumps producing piece of Mozart opera music is on the Soundtrack of the movie. And yes, there are times that 'Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzem'. Bet most of us have tried to imitate once or twice to get that high but failed desperately. Enjoy the goosebumps!

Breathtaking Moments

2011-03-20T02:38:00.000-07:00

Last night the moon was amazing to look at! It was announced as this phenomenon called 'superlunar' and so worht an extra glance up into the evening sky! I even was tempted to get my camera out but I just decided not to do so and just live the moment. I tried to suck up the energy that was beaming towards me. Love moonlight! For sure it was the SUPERMOON they had been raving on about on Twitter.

Today I raved on myself about many things. Because I decided to have a day of my own. Just me, myself and I. Nobody else to take into consideration for a few hours. P&A out for most of the day and I got then the pure luxery to have the house for myself. And one look outside told me that this day was going to be for a very sunny day. And what does Stallie do on a sunny Sunday in March?

Well I then first turn up the radio and play all my favorite music. This without having to put up with P his comments and him changing stations. Okay, I am getting the hang of Studio Brussels more and more. Like on Saturday evenings we have got our private dance away on StuBru music in our living room but still... The musical inhouse high light of the day was something special: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKFxkqPdsoI

The Youtube Symphony took my breath away many times and I even hooked up my precious laptop on to our bluetooth speaker system. Most of the music was superb performed and this by 101 young musicians from 33 countries. One week long these talented musicians had been playing music all over the Australian hotspot. Their last night they would fill up the world famous Opera House with their divine sounds. My favorite piece: 'Mothership' (refering to the Operahouse and A even sees it in there:'Mum, that looks like a ship!') composed by Mason Bates. A piece he wrote especially for this occassion and this for orchestra & electronica with soloists. Gave me some goosebumps.

Classical music can still take this girl her breath away!!!

Next I decided to get myself ready to get lost in Brussels and clear my head. Lately I am trying to get my hear around stress and what causes it. There are many solutions but some are rather radical. I am the one who calls the shots but I feel sometimes so lost out there when I need make up my mind. So next I fired up my iPod Nano and jumped on the metro. I took along 'Shakespeare on Toast'. A little book I got in the giftshop of the Globe while I was over in London last summer. According to Judi Dench:'A brilliantly enjoyable, light-hearted look at Shakespeare which dispels the myths and makes him accessible to all! I love it!'

Yes, I have studied the most famous bard of all in high school & college! Therefor I did think at first glance that this book was not going to teach me anything new. But boy, was I wrong. It is like a crash course and goes beyond most of the stuff I had to dive into when I still was unwrinkled. And the author Ben Crystal,ladies, is he cool! http://www.shakespearontoast.com/meet-the-author

The old bard can still take this girl her breath away!

Once I got above ground I plugged in my headset and shuffled my music. My feet carried me around town and the music that my brain picked up seemed to make me go faster. And then I came across Bozar, the museum of fine arts. It was ages ago that I had been inside there. A&P are not into art like I do. Stallie can get lost in a museum. It is there that she does come back to her senses and forgets most of the other things that are going on. I travel then back to the center.

Today on was: Venetian and Flemish Masters I like old masters. In a way they calm me down. It is hard to explain but it might be the simplicity of the subjects and objects. The colors and the way the light is brushed down on wooden panels or canvas. The effect the audioguided tour had on me was beyond words. And yes, I did then get my Moleskine notebook out and started to note down random thoughts.

On one of the signs I came across I got to read this:

"Great art always touches the sacred, and resonates with the peace, the quiet, the infinity, the longing, the defiance, the melancholy and the angst that we carry deep within us. Each in its way..."

It are these fitting words that for sure wrap up where I got my eyes and mind set on. By the time I walked into the great gift shop I seemed to have been on a mind trip. My favorite painting and this for many reasons:

The Old Masters can still take this girl her breath away.

By the time I got out of the museum the sky was still breathtaking beautiful. In a way its color reminded me of that color only the most divine characters get 'dressed up' in: precious lapis lazuli! Still, my stomach was graving for food and not for just any food. Nope! Rather for one of these forbidden fruits when you are paying attention to your weight. But I had my mind set on this one and I tackled successfully all the lost tourists around the Big Market Square to get my hands on one of these:

YUMMY!!! Also this took my breath away!!! I then decided to call it the day and headed back home. Last song I got to hear before getting back into my car was this very fitting one:

Fragile Faith

2011-03-18T14:25:00.001-07:00

Uhm, seems that I have not been out here for quite some time! But I just had some things going on out there. The highlight of my past week was last Tuesday. For the last month I had been a kind of anxious about this because I got to meet up with my big boss. On top of that I had kind of voluntereed to speak up my mind when he was in the same room with me. For weeks I had been thinking of what I wanted to tell him and my audience.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I met the notorious and very controversial archbishop Léonard. Yes, he is my big chief. Because on top of teaching general subjects I am a religion teacher and this means that I have two different contracts. On one there is this impressive stamp of the bishop to justify my ability to teach the subject religion.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, DO I LOVE TEACHING THAT SUBJECT!!! I truly do. It is hard to explain to others why! Not that I have not tried but in many cases people will give me strange looks when I tell them that I teach this. Even more then ever with my new boss and in less faithfull days! But after 13 years I do think that this subject still saves me while being out there. It is there that I find many ingredients that I need to get through a difficult day or period.

It is like extra oxygen I suddenly get to breath in. Not that every lesson is a very big hit and in most cases it will take me by surprise. Yes, I still believe and have got faith. There have been enough moments in my life that I do question if I do and that there is something or someone out there. Yes, what is going on out there in Japan fills me up with fear and compassion. Yes, even when I turn on the light I wonder how long I will be able to do this so easily. Yes, I feel kind of helpless when I see the images they spit out on TV, the newspaper and even on Twitter. Yes, it touches my heart and makes me feel rather small and humble.

Today my inspiring Juniors asked about Japan and their faith! These are special ed kids and you might sometimes be suprised what they have picked up out there. When I told them about the people that are out there trying to prevent this threatening melt down who are kind of sacrificing their lives I had 100% their attention. 'Why do they such a thing? What do they believe in? Is it Buddha or something else who makes them do this? Do they believe in something different then we do who makes them do this?' Etc.

Last Tuesday I did try to explain to 'Monseigneur Léonard' what goes on in my mind and stomach when I teach out there the subject religion. And yes, I had my audience on my hand. It is very exciting sensation when you do. I have seen many faces out there who were very concentrated while listening. In a way they reminded me of my pupils when I do have their attention and they seem to hang on my lips. Including that one guy I only had met up with in the press and on TV.

Many had questioned me why I even wanted to do this. Why I was even going to try to make some statements about something that this person so differently thinks about then most 'modern' human beings? I had to deal in most cases with some less nice comments or was told that this person is not even worth the attention. Uhm, well I had/have got my own very personal reasons! So I went three days in seclusion in order to write that one 'special' speech. The reasons that made me do this I can not write down here, they sit very deep in a place where not many people are granted access to. It is my personal drive and my very personal life story that made me type away and search for the most fitting words to knock down on paper.

I am not a perfect human being and I have got my moments that my faith goes down the tubes! On top of that I do think that you can never force a certain faith on someone. It does not work for me. When I had the age of my pupils I was somewhere in between. I was then about to challenge and question many things and persons. On top of that I do think that it is not a process that has a very clear beginning & end. Yes, I do tell my pupils very personal things about my life during religion lessons. For 100 minutes a week I grant them access into my inner sanctum.

But still, just like my very concentrated audience I met up with last Tuesday they do not know everything about me. Because yes, in the last ten years I do had some moments that I was tempted to hand in my resignation for teaching that 'holy' subject. Why? Well, that is very personal and can I not just spit out here. It would be taken out of the context, a very meaningful context.

When I got back at work that day many asked me:'Stallie, how was it?'. They were especially wondering what Léonard was like. I do not think that the archbishop is going to change because of what we think and say about him. I did not go in there with that mission. I just wanted to make sure that my boss knows what goes on my head when I teach and try to let the younger generation travel along.

Tuesday I faced my boss who seems to be a very 'wise' (and read wise in this case as a person who happens to be very learned and has got some very impressive credentials to get him where he is now!) but not (this is my very personal opinion) a 'street-wise' person. Last Tuesday I did not meet up with a person who I think has got all the answers and the ultimate divine power to grant me access to heaven. He did not change my point of view on many things I believe in or my personal faith. I do not agree on many things with him or on how Rome seems to deal with certain situations that have taken place out there. Nope! None of that!

After that speech I am still the same person. But yes, it was nice that my big boss gave me a meaning full handshake, five pats on my shoulder and said:'Thank you for your personal testimony.' And that was exactly what I had been doing in there. For the rest of the day I was over on cloud #9 but with in the evening an emotional&fysical meltdown! Speech side-effects, they still get on to me! But I am very aware of that belief and faith are so fragile.

Japan found out last week that the earth is also very fragile and that ground on which we are walk on is so unpredictable. On top of that also in this disastrous situation they also then find out how their bosses deal with things. Do they all agree with how their higher authorities seem to try to tackle this disaster? It seems no! And so I guess that most of us do work for a boss with whom we not always agree with. Is our boss our best friend? Do I therefor love my job less or do I use my talents less wisely and am I not prepared to make some personal sacrifices? NOPE! And so you can be sure that those Japanese workers out there are at that dangerous hot NPP also have got their own very personal reasons for going the distance! So yes, I will be praying tonight before I turn of the light!!!

P.S.: I do think that we are a generation that is dissapointed in many things. For sure the Church and many politicians. I do still go wild on this song. Also I use lots of music and images when I teach the subject religion. This song is one of my personal favorites. And that Myléne Farmer dances away on a cross I do think is very fitting image to go along with this entry. Because yes, I am still dancing away while searching for many things out there!

The Gate

2011-03-06T23:14:00.000-08:00

Stallie is having an issue with a certain personal trait she obtained through out the years. It is bugging me lately. If I come to think of it this trait might even be one of the major reasons why I am experiencing those tension headaches. For the moment I am even typing this entry with a cloud in my head.

This weekend was nice. Not to busy and this Sunday was so sunny and already had its first signs of Spring integrated into it. I can't wait to get my Spring outfits out of the closet and I am even planning to buy some new 'sexy' jeans. It even not bugged me that much that P was (again!ONE WEEK OUT OF TWO!!!) on call. That he caused even some insomnia I just forgave him with a big sincere smile on my tired face.

On Monday I hope to find the person who is going to attack successfully that tension that is blocking my body movements. Have to take A along because of the lack of a babysitter. But then I hope that the Nintendo DS will once be a good enough device to give me those 30 min. my body is begging for.

I bet that this person wil mention the word stress. Hate that word because I consider a word that is part of many people their daily vocab. In a sense I even need a small portion of it to make my deadlines I am facing in my agenda. Using it as an 'excuse' for physical complaints is not my style. BUT.... I do agree that most of the time your body tries to tell you something. It is sending signals out in ways that it will for sure catch your attention when everything else seems to have failed.

Today I just got into one of these fits that is so Stallie-like. I started to question myself & my behaviour. I opened once more that one gate that I so desperately try to keep closed because it can screw up my mental state. P kindly listened because this time I was not yelling or trying to get under his skin. Nope, I just sat there rather defeated and felt so stupid. I threw him in his face a few sentences that were buggging me. This in the hope it would kind of release a certain bad spirit that is hiding out in me.

P stayed very calm and sometimes even nodded. He is not a man of many words! And nope, chances are very high that I am not talking about you out there who has recently spilled the beans or has confided in me something that you might only tell a few souls. Nah, Stallie got today the personal treatment. Up, close and personal. Someone was so nice to question my personal (according to this person since the last 6 months 'changed') behaviour and I could not run.

I do care about what people tell me about my personal behaviour. It can get under my skin and it even can cause me sleepless nights. Then have to get out the make-up bag even on working days in order to face my teaching audience! Don't expect me not to care. I do and I always will. It is me and always will be. So I do care about the opinions I got to digest the last 24h. But don't expect me to be thrilled about those words & just spit them out while brushing my teeth! Nah, I am working with the words you might have spit out on me or kindly have dropped on me. I AM VERY BUSY FOR THE MOMENT!! Bet you can not even tell, can you? I thaught so? Well my body does!!!

"The Walk"

You did not walk with me
Of late to the hill-top tree
By the gated ways,
As in earlier days;
You were weak and lame,
So you never came,
And I went alone, and I did not mind,
Not thinking of you as left behind.

I walked up there to-day
Just in the former way;
Surveyed around
The familiar ground
By myself again:
What difference, then?
Only that underlying sense
Of that look of a room on returning thence.

Thomas Hardy

P.S.: There is only one CD that my brother, my sister and I all three have: 'The Space Between Us' by Craig Armstrong. It was pure coincidence! We bought it all three seperately but around the same time! Seems that this for sure is music that our family can make us experience very deepgoing emotions and get under our skin.
Bet that most of you might have never heard of the guy. But without knowing you have for sure heard so many hidden lines in other music. Some very big names in the music industry call on him to translate very deep going emotions into music. Think U2, Massive Attack, Madonna, Petshop Boys and many more. And some world famous soundtracks have got his name on the cover. He can touch my musical heart in a very touching way. For the moment Craig is out there with me. If you wish to find out more about this very fascinating composor who has touched the S-kids their hearts go here: http://craigarmstrong.com/ A whole new world might open to you.

Spring Break Poetry

2011-03-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

Break! So I took some deep breaths and I digged once more into my stack of books that is waiting out there to be digested by the restless reading soul. Today I picked out the poetry book 'Best-loved Poems', edited by Neil Philip with nice illustrations by Isabelle Brent. I got that book when I was out there in the UK, visiting Hampton Court. I wandered into a very nice gift shop and got this book for a fiver. Sometimes I need poetry to take a break, to take deep breaths and connect back with the world I walk on.

So, I started to browse through it and I came across some very nicely composed poems. Some are very famous and I do not consider fit enough to be copied once more by my hands. It are rather the ones that are less well known that I wish to share with others. In the first reading of a poem or text does a lot of fresh emotions are set free. I can have sometimes that ultimate bliss when I read a text or poem that just can't be repeated when I read it for a second time.

Especially when it are news articles or something I happen to come across in a newspaper that is lying around in a bus, metro or just out there while waiting at the doctor. It are then I come across the real short reading gems. Words that can go the distance that can haunt me for a long time to come. They can trigger a spot of the mind where my emotions are living. Most of the time it will take me by surprise.

I have about the same with music and especially with classical kind. When I heared Vivaldi or some pieces of Mozart for the very first time that it seemed that life came to complete stand still. It touches the soul and when I then get the opportunity to read poetry along I sometimes cut myself of reality. Chances are that I won't hear the phone or the delivery man standing in front of our door.

So for the moment I am completely cut of reality while I typing this because I am listening to well known piano concerto No. 21 (Andante) by Wolfgang Mozart. And I am reading some of those beloved poems. One is I think very fitting with the very sunny Sunday I experienced today. Spring is in the air. The signs are out and I felt it in my bones. Hope that some more of these days are about to come.

"Who knows if the moon's a balloon"

Who knows if the moon's
a balloon, coming out of a keen city
in the sky - filled with pretty people?
(and if you and I should

get into it, if they
should take me and take you into their balloon,
why then
we'd go higher with all the pretty people

than houses and steeples and clouds:
go sailing
away and away sailing into a keen
city which nobody's ever visited, where

always
it's
Spring)and everyone's
in love and flowers pick themselves

E.E. Cummings

P.S.: I imagine this piece of music being played at my mum's house while the french windows are standing open and outside the breathtaking garden was awakening from the long winter sleep. It is a piece of music that can still make me hold my breath and admire the freshly created first signs of Spring with great admiration.

Dancing Spirits

2011-03-05T04:17:00.000-08:00

It is midterm break and A is already questioning my plans about the free time ahead of us. 'Mum, when are we going to granny's? What? I have to wait till Wednesday? Can't we go now? Or what about swimming? Can't we go swimming then instead?' He is for sure ready for 7 school free days. To be honest, I also need a mini-break. Because my 6th sense was kicking back in. What I consider rather a blessing then a curse. But Stallie hates it when she becomes the restless soul who hardly can think straight and seems to be less focused.

I can have those moments that I wish to just scream hard outloud and run. Keep on running and only come to a halt when my heartbeat tells me to and my breathing can't keep up with me. Yes, I even have been crying lately while driving to work. It might sound pathetic but that force is then so much stronger then me. Don't worry I don't lose it out there. No, that is something that I have pledged: 'Try as less as possible to let private emotions and feelings get in the way of your job description.'

Still, I am only human. So the moment I get into my car and hit the road I snap back into that restless mode. And even the up to beat songs of 'Glee' and the breathtaking beautifully performed songs of Sting don't seem to manage to get me back on track. Sorry to all the chauffeurs who have the honor to meet up with my less funny body language behind the steering wheel but you were also using my car to get a point across. 'Your car looks so vulnerable and mine is a monster! So I am just going to cut you off! Now!!!' You just couldn't know that this act for the moment even is stressing my personal state of mind.

Do I feel crushed or is something in the way? Uhm, I lately have been speeding things up a bit by trying to get back into the spirit I use to have when I was younger. Stallie felt ready to dip her toe back into the cold water and even thinking of going in the whole way. I was ready to go the distance something I had not dare for a very long time. I faced my fears and with my eyes wide open. I even was sitting out there in the front row! Not that it was easy but I did it. Do I regret it now? Nope, not a single sec. But it means that I now need to move on. No excuses anymore!

Moving on means that I need to take risk and perhaps face failure and dissapointment. Not my favorite human feelings. But hey, those dancing shoes are calling out to me. And along with them so many things that I can put into practice. The signs are not lying, even my body is telling me that it wants to go back and move back on to the barre and the movements I then can experience. It wants to be set free and express itself.

When I am running now up down a flight of stairs (I LOL now at every elevator and escalator I come across) I do feel so different. So much lighter (and for sure the weight lose is partly to thank for that!) and I then experience that I am not out of breath when I come to end of it. Even am tempted to run on and start to perform one of these dance routines out a musical or dance movie. My iPod Nano has made me already move my feet and body while being in public places. Think metro, car, post office line, class room, walking on the streets of the European capital and even while doing grocery shopping.

P asked me a few weeks ago what had changed. Why I suddenly seem to manage some things that he had tried to make clear to me but always came up with insane sounding (at least to him they must have!) excuses? After all this busy inhouse doc does care about my general well being and state of my mind. Sometimes he just seems not to have read very carefully the manual that comes along with me. 'This time I am doing this for myself! I realy want to do it and not because someone is telling me to do so!'

Not that I have not been cheered on the last few months. No, on that part I can call myself so blessed. When turning around and take a good look at what I have standing out there close by and far off then I can state for sure that I have got some real good friends and family. People that care and can activate me and are in some cases my conscience. I need them for many less but also for less obvious reasons.

And no, they not are always easy on me. Some of them can be questioning my choices and opinions. Can be very straight forward and just tell me very plainly what their point of view is. On top of that I have made the last three months 'new friends'. These friendships give me the opportunity to reflect and put things in a different (rightful?) perspective. Along with them I seem to also pay more attention to what now people tell me and the advice they try to give me.

Someone recently asked me what it feels like when I dance. This person was of course using one of the very well known lines from the inspiring movie 'Billy Elliot'. I just did not need to hesitate about the answer. But it had been for such a long time that I had expressed my feelings on that part. Because they go about so much more then just dancing. It is about feeling alive and at the same time knowing that life can hurt and cause pain. That happiness is fragile and that you need to be ready to face also the darker side of the human existence.

My mind is activated and I have been out there this week trying to give the dancing the rightfull place it deserves in my life. I am almost there! So, okay I am in a restless state of the mind and I am once more doubting certain situations and decisions. But now I seem to be able to do this more and more while my feet move along with back ground music. It might help me to make the difference!

So yesterday, I was out there on the dancefloor of the school's carnival party. I was dressed up as a doc (thanks P for the outfit!!) and when a colleague dipped me over I was ready to let go. But it seemed I was still holding back a bit. 'Hey Stallie, I won't let you fall', he then said. 'I know!' and I did not even care about the fact that my pupils were LOL. One day a year they are allowed to make fun of me without risking losing points. But what they were not aware of was my state of mind. And I am sure about that because I first checked if not any of them was dressed up as Edward Cullen. Just to be on the safe side out there!

P.S.: I wish to thank many people out there who have pushed me a bit the last few months. Some of you might have been aware of it, some less but all of you have for sure helped setting the dancing spirit of Stallie once more free. Very grateful for that.

My Very Own Private Carlisle Cullen Inhouse Doc?

2011-02-25T23:53:00.000-08:00

I am still having headaches and am rather dizzy most of the times! Not that my head is about to explode or that I do think that there is a huge tumor hiding out in there. But even after the 3 docs I paid a visit I still seem not to be able to tackle this 'tiny little' health issue. On top of that I become aware of the fact (and this more then ever!) that having my own very 'cool&stylish' in-house doc is not a blessing. NO! In a way it is a curse.

Not that I am going to talk bad about P now. Don't get me wrong but I just think that it comes along with his job description in combo with having a girlfriend & kid. He just seems not to be as straight forward with us as with his patients. The later ones even manage to make very insane sounding phonecalls (one did realy made me LOL for minutes) in order to get him activated. You can rest assured: P is always 200% focused and he is in a way 'Carlisle Cullen' when it comes down to being passionate about his job.

Having a partner with a white coat and stethoscope is 'sexy, but there are moments that I want to put those on e-bay because before he goes into doc-mode for me I need to have caught an unidentified contagious virus. Still, when I then decide to get some medical attention elsewhere for my health conditition, he gives me the 'evil' eye.

So the last twee weeks I checked out the competition in order to figure out what is 'wrong' with me. The docs that I honored with a visit and challenged were:

1. My own very reliable and trustworthy GP. It was my mum who kindly advised me to get one of these handy men! Because she had seen us being send into school even with fever to make exams (I am not kidding) because of our own very tough in-house doc. 'You need a GP. They take care of you when you do need realy a doc!'
His diagnosis: tension headaches. He also did check me out very throughly. Even did shine with lights in my eyes. Carlisle Cullen flashed up right there! LOL
Treatment: a prescription for massages done by either P (in your dreams, doc!) or by a pro (physical therapist) and a calling card from one of these pros out there waiting to get his hands on me.
Unasked 2nd opinion of inhouse doc: 'Uhm, massages? I don't think that these can fix problems in the long run. Why don't you just swim some lanes extra or stop 'Facebooking' & 'Twittering'! DUH!!!!!!???????

2. A neuro-consult. To that one I did not look forward. Because first of all neurologists can make me very nervous. They can give me suspicious looks and then my heart beat is in for a sprint. But as it happens does P share his private practice with one of these very wise men. After a cross fire of questions, including some about my weight lose (duh!?) I was send home with the diagnosis:tension headaches with a dash of migraines.
Treatment: Can't figure that one out because P paid us an unannounced (but predicted by me!! Should have put all my money on that one!) visit while this doc his hands were pushing down my head. Before I knew it seemed as there was no patient in the room. The two docs were discussing my condition 'over my head'. And as it seemed all the treatments proposed by this nice fellow were not met with applause by my inhouse doc. I bet that if I had left the room that they would not even have noticed. But A happened to be cruising around in there as well and I was stuck in there to babysit him. In a way it felt a bit like Carlisle Cullen was having a nice chat with Doc McDreamy. Still this was one of those moments that you a only need one of them to pay attention.
Unasked 2nd opinion: Massages questioned even more and the painkiller mentioned by this doc specialised in headaches was going to be out of reach. 'If I give you one of these you might suffer a heart attack! Okay, then your headaches are for sure over!' P LOL!

3. A visit to the eye-doc. Yeah!!!! Some out there know that this one made me even smile a bit. Like mentioned in a previous blog post I do admit that I do think that glasses can make you look wiser. People always give me suspicious looks when I tell them that I would not mind to drag around with a pair of those on my nose. So in a way I did look forward to that consult. But my blood pressure went up the moment I was facing all that strange looking equipment that was in that consult room. In a way that dark room reminded me of a torture room fit for a movie covering the Inquisition. The nice doc did check my eyes very throughly and asked me tons of questions.
Diagnosis: eyes are still fine! SO NO GLASSES NEEDED! BUMMER! According to this very wise & experienced looking doc it is migraine-related what I have.
Treatment: Guess, learn to live with it.
Unasked 2nd opinion: I can't 'publish' this one on here! Because on that day P just was having a very bad day himself. It took some funny StuBru-clips to make him smile again. Still I seemed to have the impression that it was a guy with insane big black glasses (Thomas de Soete)who made him LOL and I failed to do so! You see, I do need glasses! For many obvious and less obvious reasons!

No, for the moment an in-house doc is not a blessing! In case you then wonder if all docs are the same as P, don't worry. P as a doc is so much more then I can even blog about. I have seen him in action and I can vouch for him that he will get any job done for sure! The adventage you have over me is that you can first call in order to have an appointment. Still, for once I would just love to have Doc Carlisle Cullen shining into my eyes. Would be so nice to hear him say then:'I think you are going to be just fine!' Not to mention that smile!

P.S.: I also have made up my mind about my treatment. Got the help from some other very nice people out there in order to make up my mind between these three. I will be on the phone tomorow in order to find a physical therapist who can get his/her hands on my head, neck and shoulders. I won't be 'wooshie wooshie' massage but the real stuff in order to get destressed. So who dares to get his/her hands on me?

P.S.2: After all, the only doc who for sure knows the most about me 'Insideout' is P!

Happy Birthday A!

2011-02-23T12:56:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY A!!!!

Lieve A,

Zeven jaar zijn het al dat je met papa en mij samen de wereldbol aan het ontdekken bent.

Nog iedere dag ben ik heel blij dat je zo flink was daar in je warme couveuse. Nog iedere dag kan je me doen lachen en kan je de grootste onweerswolken in het hoofd van je mama laten verdwijnen.
Nog iedere dag sta ik er van te kijken met welke kracht je het leven vastgegrepen hebt en niet meer wilt loslaten.
Nog iedere dag ben ik heel fier op jij dat je al zo snel op eigen kracht door het leven wou 'ademen'.
Nog iedere dag ben ik heel fier dat je gewoon het leven op je laat afkomen met een grote glimlach.
Nog iedere dag ben ik heel dankbaar dat wanneer je dicht tegen me aan kruipt ik me ook aan je mag verwarmen.
Nog iedere dag glimlach ik als ik je onder de dekens zie kruipen met je beestenboel en heel goed weet welke knuffel jou de eerste 6 weken gezelschap heeft gehouden.
Nog iedere dag sta ik er van te kijken hoe je ogen kunnen me beter naar het leven kunnen laten kijken.

Nog iedere 23 februari denk ik met een lach en traan terug aan die eerste kreetjes die toen als muziek in de oren klonken.
Kreetjes die het begin aankondigde van iets dat me nu iedere dat gezelschap houdt en ik hééééél graag zie!

En ik hoop dan ook echt dat al de wensen die je me daarstraks niet wou vertellen echt mogen uitkomen!

Hééél véééél dikke knuffels en zoenen van je

MAMA

P.S.: We hadden niet veel dingen klaar toen je even 9 weken vroeger besloot te komen piepen. Maar een geboortekaartjes hadden we wel en daar stond een EENDJE op! Dus daarom deze afbeelding bij deze 'blogpost'.

P.S.: En 7 jaar later ga je serieus uit je bol op de muziek van deze 'eenden'! En ik denk als we dit op je verjaardagsfeestje opzetten dat je de dansvloer helemaal zult innemen!

'In your dreams!'

2011-02-19T00:29:00.000-08:00

'I want that box of Lego and not that one for my birthday!', A pointed on the iPad to the biggest box I had ever seen! 'Yeah, right! Don't you think that is a bit to much to ask for 1 birtday?',and I added then my so classic sentence that I even use in supermarkets when A is trying to catch up with me while holding on to a big box of Lego he desperately wants:'I also want so many things, and I also can't have all of them!' On top of that I am thinking things:'You better get used to that!' or 'In your dreams!' His face tells me that then war is on. Next I start ignoring him and point towards the toy department where he should put back that gigantic box. BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HIM....

Because in four more nights it is A his 7th birthday. For sure a joyful occassion. After all I am so amazed by the fact how fast life is goes on. One look at that blond little ('I am not little anymore! I am 6!') angel (hm,hm!!) who is showing in the kitchen his coolest dance move while I try to combine kitchen utensils with dancing, makes my heart smile. When he in the mornings crawls into our bed,while I am still trying to face my bad morning mood he is already fired up and ready to 'attack' the world and 'conquer' it in A-style. He is my closest ally and at the same time he is the boss in this house.

Still, this time of the year does always take me back to the beginning of the whole A-adventure. Not the most glorious time of my life. It even scared the hell out of me. Not that I talk a lot about those five days. At the time I just did what doctors told me to do and even what P instructed me to do. This all without questioning anything they did, the tests they ordered or meds they pumped into me. Seemed to be rather on automatic pilot and every hour that A and I managed to hold on did count.

So when I then suddenly faced myself not being in control anymore, I did panic but I never showed. It is the weirdest sight to see your own body having convulsions. 'Just stop doing that! Can't be that hard to make your legs stop trembling!' I even remember that every time an army of docs walked in to check up on me that I realy tried hiding those shaky legs and arms under the white covers. 'Come on, you can do this! You are the boss of your own body!', I was yelling at he inside. But they went first for my hands and legs like they already knew what I was facing.

The convulsions are also the ultimate reason why I was pulled over the line not to have an other kid. Because I do admit here now that I do have sometimes still 2nd thaughts about that decission. But I am one of these girls who sticks to her guns once she has made up her mind or has been given good advice by people who have tons of degrees hanging on their walls. I listen and take in and then I reflect. Not that I make up easily my mind. On top of that I trust the people who tell me what the consequences can be of a certain choice I make. And I always listen very carefully and it can hunt me for days and not leave my mind.

But there are moments it stings and that I also once more want to walk on Avenue de Louise with that stylish Bugaboo pram and picking out once more those cute little baby outfits. On top of that I am so convinced that A would be a great brother. On his report card his teacher even pointed out that he is so nice with other kids (especially the smaller ones) and even cares for them.

'Mummy, one day I am going to be a big brother!', he sometimes tells me when he walks into the kitchen. This breaks my heart. It still does. Not that we have not tried to explain to him why this is even less atainable then the biggest box Lego there is out there in the Lego Universe. A seems very aware of the fact that he was a premature baby. The Playmobil incubator was a great help to show him and he takes out many times his baby pics. Then he tells me many stories that we have told him. His favorite one:'Mummy, did you know that I one day while dad was changing my tiny diaper I just shit (pardon my language!) under the whole incubator.' He just loves that one and then LOL for minutes.

So yes, for the moment I have a bit second thaughts about a certain decission I made 4 years ago. It does not help that I am running into tons of cuties. My godchild E is into this lovely phase that she starts to smile and becomes aware of the world surrounding her. And when I heared our Spanish niece A who suddenly showed up out of the blue for a surprise visit (I love that kind of surprises!!! I do!!!) talk her first Spanish ('agua'/water) and Dutch ('papa'/daddy) words I just melted.

When then yesterday a colleague walked into my classroom with her 6 month old baby I felt a bit out of tune. I even told her what was bugging me because she knows me so well. 'But why, Stallie?', she asked me and gave me a very puzzling look. 'Because I am so scared that A will be alone when we are gone!', I then told her. I was standing there in the cold hallways of school (hallways that can bring out the best and the worst of me, as it seems!) and feeling rather stupid for telling her. She is also an only child but perhaps I did think that she would understand for sure what I was feeling. Her eyes (and she has major big blue ones!) told me then so much more then words could.

I am happy & grateful that A & I got out of the whole pregnancy and delivery story with not to many visible scars. The ones that ended up at the inside I can hide some days better then others. BUT, just that you know...
-Yes, I do consider E, my super duper godchild,a bit more then just a god child.
-Yes, I do have some certain days that I would love to imitate Angelina & Bratt.
-Yes, I do have still a hard time when I hear people say things like that 'one is none'.
-Yes, I do sometimes wonder what I could do with all these eggs that just seem to get wasted while others have such a hard time to conceive.
-Yes, I do sometimes feel the odd one out when colleagues/friends talk about pregnancies and mother instict. The first I did not make it through till the very end and the later I had to hold back because I was scared to let it come to the surface.
-Yes, I do sometimes still feel guilty that I did not make it into the 40 weeks. Every time docs tell me that something A ended up with is linked to his premature state my heart does break and do I wish I could have prevented it.
-Yes, I do envy those women who end up having normal pregnancies and have their babies with them from the moment on they are born.
-And yes, I do want sometimes something that I better can't have....

I guess that this is all just a phase that I need to go through once a year. Many perhaps wonder if it does not get a bit eassier with time. Uhm, in a way it becomes part of who I am, my life line. In a matter of speaking I try making up for this longing by caring, loving, looking after & spoiling other babies/children. That is also why I still love my profession as a teacher that much. And that one gigantic box of Lego that A longs for? That is going to have to stay a bit longer where I think it should: in his dreams! But you never know, do you?

P.S.: I did not realy find a very fitting piece of music to go along with this entry. So I went with one of these songs on which A & I just go insane when it is on. And this anywhere and anytime! And when this is one while being in the car with P, he needs to put up with a lot more then he bargained for: Stallie singing totaly off key!

P.S.2: If I come to think of it : this songs does fit with this entry. 'Release me. Release my body, I know it is wrong, so why do I keep coming back?'

Celebrating The Love Of Your Life

2011-02-14T01:38:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know, Valentine's Day is in a way one of those artificial days created to make us buy big bunches of roses, huge boxes filled up with Belgian chocolates and make us send cards in order to let the stamp-sale go up but still...

I do celebrate Valentine's Day but not in the classic way. Nope, I try to be grateful for the love I have been given by all and not just the one that I am priveledged to get from P&A. On the 14th of February I tell most of the people that I consider friends, family or important enough to hang out with me at times that I 'love' them. I try to point out that I do cherish their friendship and am very happy to be called a friend also by them. At least I hope to be called this by some of them.
Because yes, I do think that love can't be celebrated just one day.

LOVE can come in my shapes and sizes. But if I try to give it some characteristics that I have sensed through out my daily existence I come up with this 'beloved' list:
-it can be caring,
-it can blossom unconditionally,
-it can be surprisingly strong,
-it can take you by surprise,
-it can take you off guard,
-It can take you to places where you did not know the existence of,
-it can make you cry and run,
-it can be creative,
-it can let you yell and laugh out loud,
-it can make you doubt,
-it can stand the test of time and go the distance,
-it can color and brighten up your dull daily existence
-it can hit you right in the face
-it can leave you behind heartbroken
-it can mend
-it can hide and and seek
-it can be silent and mysterious
-it can bring along 'hate'
-it can make you swear and curse
-it can be pure
-it can let you feel alive and kicking
-it can do so much more then any bottled magic potion or medicine.

I could go on and on but I do think that on a day as Valentine's Day the feeling 'love' can't be exclusively be celebrated my lovers. I also doubt is that it is the best day to declare your love to someone. But it can be for sure a day that you can take five to reflect about what love has given you or brought into your life. Then none of us can deny that the power of love goes beyond any word that it is life.

Today it also besides Valentine's Day'Organ Donation Awareness Day' and that I do think is as important, if not even more then a day to eat expensive chocolate, smell the roses, look at the stars & the moon, eat nice food & drink a good bottle of wine. So what about signing up for one of these donor programs because it can save a live, one that is loved & loves? Then will the 14th of February every year get so much more color and significance. You then have given your heart up for anyone out there to have and to hold on to. Is there a more loving act then that? Because after all:we all have to the right to love.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ALL OF YOU OUT THERE!!! I LOVE YOU! LOVE TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE! KEEP UP THAT SPIRIT IT MAKES YOU A LOVING HUMAN BEING!!!

P.S.1: Sorry for this rather cheesy clip I chose to go along with this entry. But I am still a big Jane Austen fan and she was such a good author in expressing the many ways of how love can be treated and felt. And the lyrics of the song I do think are very meaningful because there are still many people out there that don't are given equal rights to love the way they wish to love and be loved.

P.S.2: In Belgium you are automatically up for organ donation. But if you wish to make sure that this unconditionally goes into act you can register. More info to be found: www.beldonor.be

The Mind & The Heart (sorry, very long one!)

2011-02-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

'Did you dissapear, or what?', M asked me over the phone. I did color red when she asked me. We normally manage to see each other once a week. It took me so long to make friends where I got to settle down but M is for sure one of these people that has made it a bit eassier on me. So that I have not seen her the last three weeks is not that okay. Our weekly lunch is almost as important as a therapy session and I even get to extinguish fires when I am close to her. ;-))

But hey, I have been rather busy. Okay, lately I am more into Twitter then Facebook and she is on there as well. So if she wishes to she can try to keep up with me through that channel. But okay, the real thing you just can't replace by a million tweets. So I am guilty of neglecting some people out there but I do want to point out that I have not forgotten you.

Still I have been living life in the fastlane! And even inspiration-wise I got so badly hit that my head is spinning most of the time. I wish the take a sabbatical and just write day and night. But because of many obvious reasons like (hairdresser, beautician, sales, bookshops, phonebill,etc) I just keep rolling my cool 'Mandarina Duck' officecase on wheels (one of these awesome stylish gifts of P!) filled up with new ideas to entertain young and old into work.

These two last weeks I just seem to have gotten so much under my skin that it itches. I can start smiling during(sometimes rather serious) meetings but at the same time be very focused. On top of that I would love to hug the person sitting next to me. Other less frequent popping up symptoms: running through the halls of school, dance through my classroom (most of the time when pupils have left the building!), jump of tables to get a certain message across, going into meetings on days that I am not to even suppose to work but do not mind,... I could go on for hours.

People who read very carefully this blog know that I am very big believer in mindfullness. Last year during my educational advisor adventure I got the honor to meet up with the chief editor of Klasse (the national teacher's magazine), Leo Bormans who gave chat about 'Happiness'. It was during that one talk that I went through so many emotions.

This guy managed to make me LOL, smile, tremble, shiver, shake my head and cry. Not for a single sec I got bored. Okay, Leo is a very gifted storyteller and he is able to wrap up a story in the right kind of paper so that you want to pick it up and read it but the side-effects of that one talk went way beyond this.

This week I sensed for that in my mind I just got the right emotions going on, like:
-that I was alive and kicking,
-that I was so glad to be still around,
-that I for sure am content,
-that I live in the present,
-that I am grateful for what I have been given and have,
-that I feel at ease
-that I am loved and can love

The world I am facing did not stand still the last two weeks and has spit out very touching moments. My mind and heart were so much alive and kicking that it made me so focused. But I also tried to suck out every single meaningful moment and trying to save those precious moments on my 'heart'-disk in order to use them when I will be facing harder and tougher times. Some of these moments (I can not all share them with you, secrecy and such holds me back!) that made me go through emotions that I for sure felt going through my bones:

- my uncle J,almost 90, who kissed me on my cheeks and whispered in my ears:'Be strong!' The guy is a proud former diver of the British Royal Navy and when he looked me in my eyes and pat me on the back I got a major powerboost. Every day that he is still amongst us I truely am grateful for.

-every single 'newborn' who showed his/her best out there. Really, they just kicked my but! But for once because they managed to take care of themselves. Both classes were a real team and took care of each other. I even caught myself starring at them in disbelief!

-Kim Clijsters winning the Australian Open in aussie green and then posing with that impressive cup on the white beach of Melbourne in a nice white dress in the company of her beloved men and daughter Jada. A was so impressed with her that he even made me send a tweet to her. He put his nose against the screen to make sure I had typed every word he had dictated to me! Tonight this lady with a racket put the cherry on the cake by becoming again #1 on the WTA ranking. A comeback of a lifetime that makes me jump up&down for joy!

-Marie Rose passing away, one month after getting married to her soulmate Frank. Yes, tears rolled down my cheek. I found it out by clicking randomly on her website. Some will agree others will disagree how she did try to hold on to life. But not every cancer patient needs to be a Marie Rose. I do know from very up, close and personal that every cancer patient takes along his/her own story. It are the caring words of her webmaster that are still echoing in my head:'Wees goed voor wie u dierbaar is!' ('Do good to those who you hold dear!') This week I hugged A many times just out of the blue and he hugged me back. P I had to chase after to give him hug or kiss but that is just my guy!

-The people of Egypt taking a stand and not giving in. My Juniors wanted to know what was going on there. I told them that these are very fascinating times and that the Egyptians are finding the strength in themselves to take a stand and change things for the better. Takes guts. While watching the news I get shivers down my spine and can I feel that out there is something very strong at work. This is history in the making and I got to take a peek at.

- Fixing my 4 doc appointments that I have been postphoning for weeks. When I walked into my GP's office I wondered why I had waited so long. He put my mind to a rest but he was wondering why I had to jump of tables! 'S, I don't understand this! You are a teacher, is that part of the job description?' 'Uhm, I guess it is a Stallie thing!' 'Yeah, I already figured that one out by myself!' By the time I left I felt ZEN.

- A who ran into the bathroom one morning and when he saw me sitting on a chair started to rub me and smiled at me, saying:'Here you go, mummy, a massage!' LOL and all my dark thaughts and headache got chased away. P thinks that this then takes care of the physiotherapy that my GP has prescribed me. LOL! Yeah right P! As long as you don't have to do it!

- Justine Henin saying goodbye to her beloved centercourt. Her farewell tweet made me stare blank at my computer screen. I bet that not only her elbow is hurting for the moment. I do then also respect her decission. But that unique & perfect performed backhand will be missed for sure.

-Nicola's Bookclub down in Brussels took me back into our old neighbourhood. Every time when I drive by our old apartment a certain spot in my heart is activated. And finally after all these years I got to park my little car under Flagey! What a bliss! For once I had not to drive around for hours to find a parking spot. While I was standing in the middle of Flagey square I took a good look at the surroundings and it was like I came home.

-The ladies at the bookclub and of course Nicola turned the book club into a very nice chat about a book that I granted the highest score of the season: 9/10. Nobelprize winner Coetzee his 'Disgrace' made me feel rather humble. And yes, N 'Waiting For The Babarians' was read-torture when we were at college but I guess getting older makes you appreciate certain things more then when you were younger.

-Twilighting S! Yeah, I did a once more and in way I was amazed by the effect of it. S is one of my fellow bookclub diehards. I borrowed her my copy of 'Twilight':'Just in case, that you would change your mind and nothing else is lying around in the house to read.' Well, three weeks later we had lunch and she just sat there flabergasted and just could not stop raving about what 'Twilight' had done to her. She read all four books and even stayed up very late in order to read! I smiled the whole lunch and relived some of those moments I went through when I read the books for the very first time.

-Getting evicted out of your own house in the mornings when the very energetic workforce armed with brushes walks in and occupies the house in a split second. Now that we are almost at the end of their stay I have admit they even made me smile. Every time when P or I asked something it was always the same guy talking back and he only seemed to know one sentence:'Pas probleme, madame/monsieur!' But we doubt that they always understood fully what we asked for. When we watched last night 'Despicable Me' we both had to LOL because these nice guys sounds a great deal like Gru! I had a very hard time this morning to keep a straight face when he walked in this morning. When they talk their language amongst themselves they even remind me of these cute minions.

-Me losing weight! Yes, I needed to do so badly. And on Monday I am going to make the comeback to the swimmingpool. It is going to hurt and be very cold. But I am on a mission and for a once I have put my heart into it. I want to do this for myself and not to please someone else. Not that I don't like to make others happy but it is my life and I only get one shot at it. I better try to live it the healthy way. And I badly want to get back on the dancefloor and ski down black color coded slopes and then I need my muscles to get a bit stronger. My water bottle is for the moment then also my closest companion and I try to ignore every bakery. Hard, but I manage. I just don't know what will happen when I walk into N her neighbourhood and pass by the cute cupcake place 'Lilycup'. Perhaps then a restrain order is the only way keep me out of there!

AND SO TONIGHT I GO DANCING! Not in my classroom or in my kitchen. Nope! My colleague and friend F kept on bugging (even in blog comments!) to come along to this place she hangs out on the dancefloor. It will be the first time since I became a mother that I go back to dance in public, to give into the rhytm, to let the music get under my skin, trying to put my emotions into movement and just let go. I have danced on wedding receptions but then I even hold back for many reasons. So tonight, the ultimate test will take place and I am bit anxious about it. But I am already very grateful to F that she kept on pushing me a bit. I can 't wait to go on. The first steps and movements will be the hardest but then...

P.S. 1: On Saturday Egypt will wake up in a Mubarak free nation and will Marie Rose Morel her funeral take place. So to speak are birth and dead very close on this Saturday morning I am sure that we will still hear a lot about the Egyptians and that even Marie Rose Morel will leave behind an everylasting mark on the lives of many but starting tomorow I will not mention her anymore. At least not on here. There is no need to. But in a way Marie Roos and Frank their love managed to do something even harder to grasp. It had political consequences. Let us face it, just the two of them were able to do what many outside the party tried to do so hard but always failed at. Even the extreme right winged political party they were both leading members of was be amazed by the power of this. Bet they had not seen this one coming! I guess in then end it is always love and it's undeniable power that has the last word.

There for this news paper quote wraps it up all:
'According to Vanhecke was it love at first sight when he walked into Morel in 2004 out there in the political arena. "Not from her side, but for sure to me it was!, muses the former VB-president. 'To me she was a woman like I had never seen one before in my life. Even during her last days, when she looked bald and emaciated, then she was still to me that beautiful woman. And her joy for life was enorm. We do not need to deny it: Roos was not a saint. She was a very fascinating woman, but she had her bad sides. Like all of us she could be unreasonable. And bad tempered. But to me that all was sent into oblivion when I felt her warmth. At the end our relationship was stripped of all frills and pretense. The last month we have lived a pure and naked existence, in which we only had eye for one thing: making each other happy. And I have been very happy with Roos." (source, Nieuwsblad, 02/10)

P.S.2: And to all those courageous Egyptians walking out there I hope that the future will bring what you all hope for. This is one if for all of you:

A Whiter Shade Of Pale

2011-02-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hurray, the painters arrived! Yes, the workforce entered the compound and took possession of the whole house in a record time Bit by bit our house is filling up with rather less nice appealing smells. On top of that am I even unable to communicate with these enthousiastic men armed with brushes and buckets filled up with paint. Yes, they speak a language I do for once not seem to understand. But hey, they get the job done nicely. For as far me, the person blessed with two left hands can judge!

In case you wonder what colors they are bringing into our daily surroundings I don't have groundbreaking news. No, we have not gone through any fierce arguments or long reflection periods about color patterns because P proudly announced one Saturday afternoon that he had already chosen: white only!

The less nice side effects of having an enthousiastic workforce into the house is that I for the last few days seem to be lost a bit inside and outside the house.
-I don't sleep well. Our bed is parked in the middle of the bedroom. So I guess you won't be surprised to hear that I even manage to bang into furniture when I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. So to my body color I added now blue and purple as well.
-I am thinking to much about things that should not be on my mind-list. Uhm, nothing new but the paint fumes seem to make it even worse. And nope, the headaches are still there and this week I was very close to making an appointment with a doc but then A got into the way and one of my secret projects. Still enough excuses to put that one not on the agenda.
-I can't seem to find things and this due to the boxes that are still out there. To make it even worse the painters move stuff around. So now some boxes have even disappeared. Scary! Every day it is a big surprise what our house will look like when we enter. 'Hey, mum our house has changed again!', is A his punchline of the week.
-I forget many things. One day I even managed to forget my mobile and to put on earrings and that equals double nudity. And for the moment I need my phone more then ever because now that our clock radio is not plugged in we use our mobiles as an alarm. And, boy, do I miss Thomas of StuBru his cynic comments in the morning. I now even freak out more when I meet up with my own reflection in the mirror. I am tempted to give instructions to the painters to cover this reflecting surface also under a layer of white paint!
-I don't feel welcome in my own home. Days I am not to supossed to go into work I am kind evicted from our home address. Try then to find other destinations but I most of the time end up at work. Even hang out in my own car waiting for these 'strange' men to leave the house. When I dare to go in while they are still hanging around with white paint I feel that my presence is not preferred. So the neighbours must think I must be even more insane now that I am parked right in front of our own house and stay in there for longer then 20 minutes! And yes I have been dancing in my car with my iPod-nano plugged in or singing along with my newest music asset: Glee, season 1. Don't know if the windows of my Vauxhall/Opel Corsa are soundproof. In case you got your share of the Stallie-produced entertainment it will only one more week of torture ahead of you.

But worst of all is that P and I are restless and that A gets into fits:

1. A hates it that his entertainment zone has vanished under covers and that he can't find that one ultimate lego-brick he needs to finish one of this newly made up construction. And he even announces in the mornings that all his stuffed animals had a very bad night because they had to sleep under his bed! And the moment he could not find the remotecontrol of the TV he started to cry. 'Mum, our TV does not work anymore! They have hidden the remote control!', made me LOL but I had to sweep of some tears.

2. Stallie can't read a single page because she can't lean back against the walls. And so now I have even a harder time to fall asleep. Was so happy that I managed to finish the last book of the Winter Read (YES, Spring is about to arrive on Nicola's Bookclub reading list! Spring!! SPRING!) before the painting force entered. So now I am so tempted to dive into one of these dull brown boxes and try to find that tiny book with Yoga excercises. I already sit in the middle of my bed in order to find my center!

3. P walks in and out as he wishes and announces in between runs, social calls and numerous consultations that he is back on call! When I questioned him about the fact that I can not seem to see any logic in the way this call shedule is put together he just looked at me and said in his typical dry voice:'Hey, I don't mind it is Winter!' Beats me! I then tried to point out very politely that we are with the three of us in this period of Winter.

Yes, so much has happened this week on top of the painters but I seem to have a very hard time to find the perfect blogging spot. Stallie has been in many interesting places and I fell in love once more with her job. But this is an other story which I hope to tell when I face the freshly painted walls of our house. And all our filled up boxes have been unloaded.

Because I bet that once all that white paint is on the walls (and P was so nice to even allow them in on Saturday! AHHHHHHHHH!!!) that I am going to look like them as well: a whiter shade of pale. Uhm, I think I need to pass the Benefit Brow Bar very soon to get pimped up for that rather less colorful period of time! Uhm,seems that painters also seem to qualify as the ultimate shopping excuse! Nice that white color!

P.S.1: This weekend I decided to find a more colorful place to hide out and to dive under with A: my mum's! So in case you see P and his it totaly covered up in white paint then please feed him and let him use your shower!

P.S.2: Annie Lennox her 'A Whiter Shade of Pale' was for me the best song to go along with this entry. A song that holds many happy&intense memories created in Leuven as a post-graduate student & jobstarter and living amongst very focused and a lively bunch of people. People who took care of me and people that took me on some awesome intellectual and fun outings. Still grateful for that very intense period of time.

The Energy Boost Box

2011-01-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

The second work week of January came to an end. I am about to face one of these weekends that P will be out of the house most of the time. Saturdays he will hide out in his private practice and on Sunday he will be out for work training! Believe it or not but there is work training for busy docs on a Sunday! Uhm, guess that we will only meet up while brushing our teeth and perhaps dinner!

But I had a productive week and I got to meet up with tons of things that made me smile. I am even tempted to state that in some dull brown boxes I did find the energy boost I am always after to get through a busy week.

1. BOOKS. That I had to unload all my cupboards for the painters I did not like. Would even state that it kind of hurt! Especially the fact that the announced workforce did not show up last Monday made me get into a real Twitter-outburst! Tiny little detail: they will come at the end of this month! P even said very spontaneously sorry for this mix up!!!! Wrote that one down in my diary!

But I did meet up with some very nice bookgems. Some of them I would like take over to my bank and then hire one of their high tech security vaults. For the moment it are especially the books illustrated by Rébecca Dautremer of whom I got three books filled up with breathtaking illustrations by her hand. When I dive into them chances are few that you can reach me easily! The one here below is an illustration out of her latest book:'Het geheime dagboek van Klein Duimpje.' Just so gorgeous to look at and one of those books that I do cherish for eternity! And those are some of the books that I will one day hand over to A or E (chances are in a dull brown box!) to take to their own house!

2. POETRY & QUOTES. I have got tons of oneliners in bookform. I do need some of these lines to get through certain moments of my lifeline & daily timeline! And yes I do think that the power of words is still underestimated. Words can make you feel better but can also get you down. This week I did experience both. Once words are put down on paper and can be read by others they do come to live in a different dimension. They are set free and you as a reader are given the priveledge to give your own interpretation to them.

This is also with poetry! One of the rather cute poems I came across while filling up the dull brown boxes is by the hand of Sjoerd Kuyper and to be found in children's book 'Ik blijf altijd bij je!' I am going to tease you and not translating this. You can make use of Google Translate trying to find out what it is about but this one would be for sure a very fitting one for Bella Swan to write down on a card for Edward Cullen!

Blozen

Ik hou niet zo van bloed,
jij wel?
Ik hou het liever in mijn vel.
Daar zit het goed,
mijn bloed.

Het enige wat ik graag zie
is een klein korstje op mijn knie,
waaraan ik op een luie dag
lang en voorzichtig pulken mag.

Nee, ik wil nooit meer bloeden.
En ik wil nooit meer blozen.
Maar als ik jou zie!
Ja, wat dan?
Dan bloeien alle rozen.

3. HISTORY: My all time favorite subject that I took in any school, college and university (and this globally) I have ever been to was history. I have to admit here openly that is for me the subject I miss the most not able to teach for the moment. So I do own tons of books that tell historical facts or are inspired historical persons or events. One of the most cherished history books that I own I was given by my beloved grandmother for my 21st birthday. When I read some its pages I do feel history resting in my hands: Ἱστορίης ἀπόδεξις! (I bet there is one of my faithful readers who is able to translate this one! ;-)) by the hand of the father of the historical database: Herodotus! Especially the passages where Darius & Alexander meet up!
And then there is this awesome scene in one of my 'coep de coeur' movies & books 'The English Patient' where Katherine, played by the superb Kristin Scott Thomas, adds a special touch to this rather oldie!

(One of my British all time favorite actors Colin Firth in there as well! And my perfect 'Mr Darcy' won this week a Golden Globe and I am very happy for him!!!! And now Colin, you go for that Oscar!! 50 is a great age to win that funny statue!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dCLQWW7GQo (copy&paste this one!)

4. MUSIC: Our house is filled up with tons of dull brown boxes and they are in the way! Our curtains have been taken down and our walls have been stripped naked and so for the moment our house is not the most cozy place to hang out. But one advantage it does bring along is that the empty space offers to do other fun things. And the last few days we have taken full advantage of this by dancing through our house. P is the best DJ ever and thanks to the bluetooth soundsystem we have got upstairs we even manage to dance all the way into the bathroom. Believe it or not but the dancing did seem to work for the mindfullness I am after! But every time A came up with this personal request P&I wanted to put in some earplugs!

So #1 according to A in order to dive into the bathtub and then imitate a rodent and shake up the house:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLxhuICUZbc.

P&I are for the moment trying to come up with a waterproof plan to make the DVD of 'Alvin & the Chipmunks' disappearing out of our house! So far no luck because A even takes the case up to his bedroom!

So #1 according to our inhouse doc:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezXxBY1AWfU

And he goes all the way on this one and he even forgets to follow up his own strict health regulations when this comes out of the speakers. I can assure you when he is out there in his nice pair of jeans, very cool blue shirt and his curls are waving into all directions that this girl just starts to move along and feels very happy!

SO #1 according to Stallie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Fkxo7EsVOI

This girl (who also got her hair cut this week and got two thumbs not only by P also by her fantastic co-workers!) then starts to make silly movements and is very tempted to put on every single silly or fancy head she has got out there in some of the dull brown boxes! And yes, I did lost it due to this whole boxes-thingy! But for the moment I try to get the most positive energy boost out of them! This music manages to chase away for a few seconds the rathr dull and cold atmosphere that is looming around in our house!

5.SECRET PROJECTS:

Uhm, what can I tell about these because there are few? Well not much because then they are no secrets any longer. One made me go back to that one place where I last year got so dillussioned but seem to be granted an other go!
And I love it out there! It is there I get my major energy boost and seem to find out why I did choose for education above all other great things there was to choose from! The other one is of a total different order and it something that will take some time to come to live. But I am working at it.

6. COMEBACKS & NEWCOMERS:

COMEBACK of the week: GARFIELD! A is totally obsessed by him and this thanks to his awesome godmother N who gave him the movie as a xmas-present. I even broke out in sheer laughter because some of the rather funny scenes. A is even wondering what will happen if he would try to eat as much lasagne as Garfield! And so I even digged up one of these little books I have with Garfield cartoons. Here above you can find one that makes me LOL.

NEWCOMERS of the week are MY 'SPECIAL' JUNIORS, who had to get ready to face the real world and leave on Monday for their very first job placement training. Most of them are very nervous and even are doubting if they will manage. I wish them good luck next week when they for the first time in their lives will be on their own and having to cope with the daily ingredients of the working force. I have faith in them and these girls have got for sure some FIREWORK in them! So girls, this one is especially for you:

Adagio

2011-01-18T11:40:00.001-08:00

When I used to dance ballet 'le barre' was always my love&hate part. It was out there I met up with my own possibilties! The older I got the harder some excercises got. The stretching took me to some very painful places. The moment there was sweat to be felt down my back I knew that I had arrived where I could get hurt and being pushed!

When the teacher called out 'Adagio' I started to curse! Because that were the moments that every single movement had to be perfect! Every stretching, pirouette, placement of your feet, piques, frappé or arabesque was going to be observed. Because all movements had to be done in slow motion. No covering up possible by speedy movements! Full concentration on your movements of your legs, arms, toes and you suddenly became aware of muscles you had never sensed before! Life got the adagio dimension!

And yes, there have been moments that some of my very demanding teachers pushed me a bit further. Not that they always told me in a very friendly way to go for the perfection! They sometimes just grabbed a body part and went for the kill. 'Do you feel the difference?' or 'That is what I want to see!', were then some sentences I got to hear. Most of them were never interested to hear my answer because I DID FEEL THE DIFFERENCE!

When I hear a music piece that is labelled 'in Adagio' I do feel not that upbeat! I can then suddenly be at the dark side and where it hurts the most. When I was last summer whith my mum at Saint Martins in the Fields attending a candle light concert it was when the string quartet played an adagio that I did travel through my own life and those of some of my friends. Not the easy, sunny, upbeat and speedy side but the side where pain is experienced the most!

I have made some promises to people (not always out loud) to care for them when I feel they need me. But sometimes I also feel speechless! Do I seem to be at lost for words! Can't find the right words because it will never be good enough what I will say. Not a single word or gesture will be able to make up for the pain, the anger, the defeat, the dissapointment or the loss. Not that I would like to try but I just DO FEEL THE DIFFERENCE that this time nothing will come of any good! Not that I would not like to try but I do know (because I have been out there a few times and have already given my life the 'Adagio' dimension) that for now all I can do is wait!

P.S.: Lara Fabian her version of 'Adagio' I play in my car in the mornings or evenings when I drive home! I do then get shivers down my spine!

The White Van

2011-01-13T00:43:00.000-08:00

Uhm, one more day and I will be celebrating my birthday. Already mentioned it that I don't mind getting wrinkled. My pupils are already bugging me for years to tell them my age. It is like one of the best kept secrets. Yes, because of being a religion teacher and teaching social skill I do tell tons of rather private things. They do as well! We have certain rules when these lessons take place! Sacred rules! What they tell me I will never use against them and when they do seem to spill the beans about something that needs some extra action taken by others I invite them for an extra private chat. But my age they never will find out. At least I am not going to be one telling them! Believe me they keep on trying! And when they happen to call out the right number by accident I have on my best pokerface ever! 'No, I won't tell!'

Why? Well, because I try to make clear that I also have my limits. It is not because I have a blog that you will find out everything there is to know about Stallie. P is one of the few who knows me best. And I might give the idea that you will easily find out what I think like and what I do! When I do then I grant you my trust! Still....

But there are others who can read here between the lines. They know what I drink my coffee like, what I like to have for dessert, what kind of music makes my heart beat faster, when I will cry, when I will headbang or will totally go insane.... So even when I emotional-wise are called by many an open book because I seem to be so easy going when it comes down to talking about emotions, sometimes you might end up be mistaken by Stallie her outgoing attitude and actions!

Take yesterday! Yesterday, I was back in Paris! Not physically! Would love to but I am stuck here! But mentally! People who know the Paris-story will know (and no, I did not mention this before in an entry I left here behind) that this involved a white van, a very busy crossroad, lots of rain (look out of the window in case you live in Belgium and you get the picture!), an umbrella and a Belgian lady totally out of control! I lost it in Paris on a rainy Thursday afternoon in the middle of a crossroad just across the well known cinema 'L'Odeon'in the so postcard like neighbourhood Saint Germain des Pres! That day I got hit by the white van!

Now that white van is an image in my mind that stands for a wake up call. I snapped out of something at that crossroad! I did look like a mess already before the van-attack! Looked like a zombie (sleepdeprived and had been on the phone with Texas for hours) and also my face and eyes looked quite red! Believe me, I had tried the hours before to put everything in the right perspective! But this was not that easy because there are tons of white vans out there and someone told me in 2010 in a very convincing way:'Never trust the white van!' So hard to ignore! The fact is that I was and still am trying very hard to find where I truely belong:jobwise!

I am blessed with a very nice job, great colleagues, my teaching-audience still seems to find me qualified enough to entertain them and inspection has showed two tumbs up as well! VERY HAPPY HAPPY!! But since a few years something has entered my mind and heart! My parents were the first to tell me that they want me to be the best person I can be! P as well keeps reminding me and there are tons of friends who will start bugging me! No, it is not bugging! It is the white van that drives by! Deep down I know that they already have seen something that I have kind of ignored for years!

Last year I was given the opportunity to try something new: educational advisor! A gamble but my principal and colleagues supported me the whole way! I was scared because I was going to try something totally new! Taking risks! Well, in that one year I met up with the grown up Stallie but also the ambitious one! One that can't hide any longer! One that is prepared to gamble and take risks. Yes, I have said no to certain joboffers! Some were extremely challenging (too chicken at the time to dare!) ones or I turned out to have not enough experience for or I was over qualified! That last one did hurt the most.

Hey, when are you overqualified for a job? During that last job interview two people did crawl into my mind and I guess that they managed to got out of me what I had been hiding for years. That day one specific sentence got into my mind and never left ever since! Because the words one of these persons used were words that I will never openly say about myself! But others seem have noticed and have said it out loud as well! They even keep repeating it! Very convincingly these people sound then, they don't joke! I can tell & feel that!!

'You are at a crossroad in your life!', was one very cliché sentence I got back as feedback about that very 'special' interview. Okay, seems I am still standing out there! Or at least that is what feels like! I could move on, go straight and ignore the other roads! It is a very safe road I am on. By now I kind of know what it will bring me! You don't need to tell me! So now one year later I can try once more to move my cheese! The difference is that this time I will be the one who says that particular sentence that might make me find the job I am after!

After all my favorite part of the Twilight Saga is when Carlisle Cullen is stiching up Bella (Chapter 2, New Moon) and telling her:

"Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given!'

I do think I have found out what I was given. I can't hide it anymore! Especially now that I dragging around the cool tote bag with that quote printed on! It will be the constant reminder of something I truely believe in!

And yes, the number that is up on my birthday card is a very meaningful number to me. It is the number that my dad did find out where he truely belonged and also the year he fell head over heels in love with my mum! At that age life he crossed the road and changed gears and made a turn! Here I go! Watch out all white vans out there! This time I am totally focused! All I still need is an appointment with a dentist to make sure I less teeth clench! Chicken! But perhaps that is then waiting for a red van to pass by for the next wake up call!

P.S.: I choose this little scene of 'Meet Joe Black' as a very fitting scene to go along! Don't worry I did not got hit that badly by that white van but in my mind it did feel a bit like this!

P.S.2: Coincidence or not but a year ago on my birthday I was lying in the chair of the dentist! Uhm, seems that everything comes back to you like a boomerang!

Can you feel it?

2011-01-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

I am back where I am considered by many very passionate: @work! The moment I saw my reflection in the door I just sensed it:’I missed this! Here at least I can think straight, act according to my beliefs and help where needed!’ Once I entered the teacher lounge I was back on track! In about three minutes my student teacher and I were planning! Turns out she is going to stay close a bit longer! And tomorow I meet up with a new one as well who is going to come and check me out and my pupils!

Seems I am alive and kicking and also thanks to the news of this morning! Many newsitems got my attention. Belgium is after all in a total political and economic turmoil. We, the people, try to stay focused and keep going on with what matters. The show must go on and most of us have a job to do. And I was rather relieved to go back into work. Looking forward to meeting up back with my co-workers, very focused Juniors and wild ‘Newborns’! But this morning there was one newsitem that made me even call out to P. ‘Marie-Rose got married to Frank!’, I screamed! For me this is the newsitem of the day! Why?

Well, Marie-Rose Morel and Frank Vanhecke that is out here in Flanders tabloid news. You can Google their names and then you will find enough background info on those two. When you do you will end up reading things about Belgiums most extreme political party, a woman with a mission, relationships that were very fragile and questioned by many, divorce, fights and about CANCER!

The day that Marie Rose got diagnosed with uterine cancer many must have felt sorry for her. The kind of cancer she turned out to have was/is one of the less treatable ones especially at her very young age. Rather considered fatal! Nothing much left to do about it. That day P & I talked about it during dinnertime that a very focused and headstrong woman as Marie-Rose must be going through hell. I also got shivers down my spine because this lady is just one year older than me! P his prognosis was doomlike!

But Marie-Rose did fight back! She did undergo the whole chemo and operations to get at least the time she did think she owed. Of couse the press followed her medical wise as well. And then one day Marie announced that she would write about her illness on her blog. Stallie had never before entered the website of Marie Rose Morrel. Her being a extreme right wing politician did make her a bit a less appealing person. Yes, many men will agree with her she has got style! Her eyes can make you dazzle but still...

So one evening I just surfed to her website and there I found her private blog. It was nicely done. As a website visitor you even got the choice if you wanted to read about her battle against cancer or not. I decided to dive into her story. What I did find was very touching, pure & a honest account of a sick to death woman who is holding on to everything she has got left in her life.

In the first place her two sons!! These kids mean the world to her. Pictures showed up in the newspapers and entertainment magazines of her fighting back the cancer. And then the unthinkable happened she was declared in remission! Against all odds! Marie Rose seemed to be back on her feet! Also during this time she did find out who her true friends were and she did openly admit that to her Frank, a partymember, is for sure the one true soulmate in her life! No surprises there!

Her political party seemed to have quite a hard time with some of the things Marie- Rose now just openly stated. In a way Marie-Rose seemed to be ready to just get it out in the open and she stayed very loyal to Frank in any political discussion. Privately she had to tackle many hurdles! But she managed to do it with dignity. The interviews I got to read in many publications never crossed a certain line or she never spit out openly her contempt to certain individuals who must be hurting her even more.

So when P then one night came home and told me that Marie-Rose her cancer had returned I suddenly met up with the very vulnerable doctor I live with. P is a very down to earth doc, very focused and many moments I seem to have impression that he treats illness and death so much different then I do. But I can assure you that then my very ‘dry’ and bussinesslike doctor showed his very human side.

Doctors do have feelings when dealing with sickness and death. They do question themselves and they are more then anyone aware of the facts of life. In most cases they just act when they meet up with a sick person, try to tackle the problem, set the right diagnosis and then start the treatment in the hope that it will be right one. They just don’t talk that much about it. In their case ‘action does speak so much louder then words’! Not all of them are like vampire-doc Carlisle Cullen but they do have got feelings! I have seen it, felt it and many others have told me! They act when they see a sick person! It is their job, nothing more,nothing less! ACTION! But they do have got feelings!

Action is also the word in Marie-Rose her life for the moment. She still tries to stay on top of things. One thing she posted the last few weeks were the bedtime stories she told her sons. Very touching! In her blog you can read that she still believes in all things that she stated in the beginning of her political carreer and that she only signed the statements of her political party she truely believed in. One of the points she did not follow her party was ‘euthanasia’.

In a way she is preparing her way out! One of the very touching things she did for her children is filling up envelopes with money and letters! She handed those over to Frank and instructed him to hand those over to her sons when they will be celebrating life! Holy communion, wedding, etc... Some people considered this odd! Well, I don’t!! If my dad would have done such a thing I would have been very happy. Because in a way Marie-Rose will be out there with her sons! And this at moments when you miss your parents the most when they are not there anymore to hug and hold on to! These kids will at least have a letter! A letter in which they can find back for sure the mother Marie-Rose is for them!

In the end Marie Rose is doing what many perhaps would forget to do when you are about to live this kind of rather suffering kind of life! Still taking care of those you love and don’t forget living yourself. Sucking out of it all it has got left! Marie Rose is still living! You can be sure the moment that Frank slipped around her finger that wedding bend on that cold Saturday morning in Brugges that she looked into they eyes of all the people she truely loves. Right there she embraced all she was given and wishes to keep safe! She seized the day! And I can't blame her!

The news stated that newly weds Marie-Rose & Frank will be travelling to Austria. Not for a honeymoon! No, for the last chapter of Marie Rose her life story. There she will be undergoing treatment that will have to make it all a bit more bearable. So this morning I pictured two people sitting in a plane holding on to each other heading for that last part of a journey that will for sure in the end bring pain & sadness for many. But she won't be alone to go the last steps of the way!

I did feel this morning something special in the air! Something strong, something that Marie-Rose must feel at times as well when she still tries to look up high and find the focus she needs to face whatever will come! Can you feel it?

P.S.: Frank & Marie-Rose did last Saturday for sure, not doubt about that and apparently the people who witnessed that act of love saw and felt it as well:

“Het was een zeer sereen moment, waar we enorm veel respect gezien hebben tussen mevrouw Morel en mijnheer Vanhecke. Ze zagen er gelukkig uit. Op het moment dat we het huwelijk voltrokken, zagen we echt liefde in het gezicht en een stuk blijdschap.”
Brugse schepen Franky Demon

Headaches & Wannabe Belgian Politicians

2011-01-06T02:08:00.000-08:00

I feel rather exhausted! Not that I have been sprinting up the Mount Everest or have done something exceptional cool and groundbreaking. Stallie just wishes to crawl under a huge big colorful quilt (like the one Rennee made for Bella in 'Eclips' would be nice!) and then stay out there for a very long time. Have even pledged that I will not read a single newspaper (not even the one on our iPad) and that I will turn of the radio once the news is on. Even am very tempted not to check the news-updates 'De Standaard' Tweets me. PLEASE, call it the day, Johan, and let us go back to the ballot box!

Yes, Stallie is fed up! The new year is only six days old and I already had my own share of things to handle with care. A managed to get sick (stomach flu), P managed to be on call and have to go in numerous times and I managed to get done nothing very productive! Not proud of that. It is not me! Always pledge myself to getting at least done a few things for work, get to see some friends or family, hang out and feel very festive like. Uhm, that just did not happen this break!

It is the first time for years that I just hang out at home. Forced! Snow, icy roads, feeling a bit out of tune, less focused, a sick son, a man on call,... On top of that I have already for days a headache! Migraines run in my family but together with glasses I seemed to have skipped that genes-puddle! Still, when I asked P, the very wise inhouse doc I am blessed with, all he could come up was:'Stress! You have got stress! Why?'

He then went on eating late dinner. I then gave him a suspicious look! But dared to go on telling him that I thaught about getting my eyesight checked out. That since three weeks I have these spells of blurred vision and headaches. I told him 'signals' like that when I arrived one morning at work after driving through a snowstorm I felt sick and that I need to take medication in order to survive loud 'Newborns'. 'Why?', was his very dry answer,'You still can see everything fine & clear, can't you? That with the snow that is quite normal! Can happen!''Yeah, but....', and then I got silent and moved into the bath tub to scrub and relax a bit! Or at I least tried!

Okay, I am a stressbunny and worry too much! I worry about tons of things that I should care less about. And yes, I worry about my government and politicians! I worry about A! I worry about the climate! I worry about my pay check! I worry about some very good friends who I try to take care of without interfering to much, etc... That I did manage to get our xmas-mail out of the door rather late I am also not proud of! The post office is located at the end of the world or at least that was what it seemed like.

The bubblepaper cover that I had wrapped myself into seems not to work for the moment. I think I even got unwrapped! It seems that for the moment I am big time the 'bad acting' Capricorn. Okay, my birthday is coming up! But the getting-older-issue is not that hard on me. In case it does or would I can still run to the hot shot beauty clinique that moved into our neighbourhood to get some botox injected. But I am fine on that part! Have even nothing planned the day itself! I will be at work for a very long day and evening and the day after P will be working rather late! So I think I will even skip for once my birthday! Still, I even checked out my daily horoscope in order to feel a bit better!

And this is what I get to manage with on a rainy Thursday while my beloved wannabe politicians are spitting out their latest opinions and insane-sounding newest theories and rediculious solutions and my headache gets worse:

"You almost certainly need to call in reinforcements when things start to get weird today -- and they are sure to get weird! Plans have an uncanny knack for going awry, but it's nobody's fault, really."

I have to admit that this cracks me up a bit but even laughing causes to make my head to hurt. Perhaps I have a brain tumor! AHHHHH! Where are the reinforcements? Still, I can't blame anybody when I am ignored! Where is the Paracetamol and the vacuum-cleaner?

P.S.1: In case you wonder what I feel like about this whole political turmoil and elections you can read up on it by clicking here: As life goes by: Casting votes THE FEELINGS & OPINION ON THAT ISSUE STILL HAVE NOT CHANGED! I am a true Capricorn! And yes, they should add two more words on that T-shirt pictured her above: BELGIAN POLITICIANS! It would sell big time!

P.S.2: To give you bit of an idea what it feels like when I have my splitting headaches and my vision gets messed up: