School Is Out!!!!

Ladies & gentlemen, Stallie can now officially state that she has unplugged all her electric devices and closed the windows of her classroom! Yeah!!!! I am so relieved that I made it into one piece out of the schoolbuilding because there were rather painful moments the last few weeks to deal with. I might have come out bruised and my heart aches a bit but I can now start to unwind.

So here I am now in the middle of unplugging myself. My body tells me that I went in overdrive and I am crashing. The burning process is one that will show off its powers in the next 48 hours. The tonsil stones already drive me insane. My appetite is non existing and my mind is spinning. Make-up is useless to cover up the darker spots. I am trying to find back my center. To find back that one spot where I can feel totaly at ease with myself. Because for the moment the 7 second rule about me breathing out I am totaly screwing up.

Today I wasn't the nicest individual to be around with. But then most teachers do need to cool down at this time of the year. Bad karma everywhere and also lots of touchy minds. Including myself. I always lose my focus around this time of the year. I see it coming. Every year about two to three weeks before the end there lands a tremendous huge brick on my head. My brain then makes very funny and hard to understand jumps. I am swimming out there in a stormy ocean and no landing place in sight. Nothing seems to help in order to snap out of it.

Yes, teacher are so much spoiled when it comes to free time. And I bet that if you are not a teacher that your vocab describing this profession is not always very flattering. But then I challenge you to come and spend the final month in a school and you will want to check into a mental institution. All the bottled up sensations that were stored away for 9 months are suddenly spilled all over the place. So today I was ready to get carried away in one of those straitjackets and take some Vicodin.

I snapped at people today and even started to cry at the most awkward moments. In between those rather pathetic sounding acts I passed out report cards, had meaning ful talks with caring parent &emotional pupils, did I ran through the hallways trying to shake of all the negative energy and did I had to store away all my personal teaching tools (lots of cookies and candy!!). My body on the other hand was already telling me that I was about to hit the wall but I needed to push a bit further to make it to the finish line.

And that final push came today in a rather strange form. On this final day of the school year I was asked to join a colleague for a house call. Yes, we teacher pay parents and pupils a visit in case they just seem not to be able to come and see us. It was not a 'happy' visit. Because yes, even in special ed there are children who not make the grades or do not live up to the expectations of many.

I am very big on talents and when I once have figured out what the talents are of the kids that are under my care I start to coach them to use these at their fullest potential. Today I was sitting on a chair and did I have to talk very clear language to a pupil who has got the potential but stored away those talents in a very dark spot. One of these pupils who if he/she would try a bit harder would get so much out of his/her abilities.

Instead I was facing a broken person who seemed totally lost. Who just did not talk clear language. Whose bodylanguage just wanted me to grab him/her by the shoulders and then just trying to get that positive energy back into him/her. My mind was screaming 'please snap out of it' and 'You only get one shot at this and you will regret it sooner of later' or 'Please focus again on the things that truely matter in life'. You can bet that I was tired and that inside of me there was a vulcano about to errupt.

When I signed up 13 years ago for a special ed I did know that I was putting my signature under a contract that was not covering all the bases. Special ed is in many ways so much more then just teaching numbers and facts. One look at the kids who I pushed 10 months along I can state that I am kind of happy and content. Some of them will be able to enjoy a very relaxing summer and some will have to face the consequences of the choices they made. So am I.

I can tell you that I have seen some very young kids making life-altering decessions and this on their own. This at a age that all I had to care about was getting my home work done in time and if I wanted to ketchup on my French Fries. In special ed there is never enough time, is there always the constant back ground noise of a ticking clock that might end up in a bomb if you make the 'wrong' calls.

Today I faced a kid who made some judgement calls that I just could not put my head around. Because what I had seen once was so much more that was now left over of this person. The broken pieces where all over the floor and the energy that was hanging around in that room made me shiver. Eyes were constantly searching for the right place to hang out at and that was not my colleague or me.

We ended up having a rather fierce discussion with 6 people about the future of one person. Have I seen glimpses of what the future might have in store for this person? Yes, because the moment I made this pupil recall the talk we once had in class what I think about people with hidden talents I got to see a smile and no it was not a fake one.

And then it happened. That one moment in time that the world comes to a complete stand still and that you just know that you did connect. That he/she was listening to me when I pointed this out in my classroom. He/she did pay attention!!! Our eyes met and the smile was genuine and my heart jumped up.

Do I make sense that the person who drove to that house was not the same person who came back from that trip? You have not been there with me. You have not met up with the dark forces out there. You have not seen the destruction that was going on in that mind of that 'hurt' soul. You have not felt the fear and the total lack of direction. But at the same time there was hope visible, perhaps only for a split second but I do strongly believe that it might make the difference. That this house call might make this pupil reconsider some things.

It was for sure not a fun park to hang out with some friends. So then it is very hard to make clear what I am trying to tell you what these kind of situations make me suddenly be aware of the real mission I signed up for. It is very awkward when it happens that you do feel so damn right about a decission. Stallie had one of these very intens moments today that 'helped' her. Nobody close to me at that moment was aware of it but in a way it even saved me.

The tears that fell down behind some closed doors I just tried to whipe away asap. The warm hugs and sincere compliments and smiles that I experienced I try to hold on for the two coming months. Because the negative energy hiding out there I just did not wish to pack up in the filled up trunk with left overs of this school year. This teacher was out on a bumpy road and was many times dissapointed in what she got to see and feel.

The last few days I did have not my best moments. But then I have seen also others not having their best moments. I just am happy that I did snap out of it before I was going to make a greater fool of myself. Today around 11.45 I did find out once more why I want to be a special ed teacher and it not just teach in front of a classroom. I am in for the full ride.

P.S.: The end of the game!! I have told many of pupils the last few weeks that play time is over and that they have to be prepared to meet up with the biggest challenge ever the next coming year: themselves! And on top of that this is one of Stallie her all time favorites where she can just let go and let all the emotions get out of her system.

The Road

This time I let poetry speak for itself.
Strong words that make up great lines by a person who could get it so right when he picked up a pen.

The Road Not Taken

Two road diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden back.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, an I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

P.S: In case you want to know more about this extra ordinary poet:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Frost

And the epitaph on his grave says so much of how I do look at life in general!

'I had a lover's quarrel with the world!'

Family Ties

Sometimes I can be so slow! Uhm, I know I am from Limburg and this also does not give me headstart. The moment I start to speak I am a give away. Sometimes it takes me years before I get into some bestseller that has been already out for ages. To give you one example I had been telling others to read 'Twilight' before I even touched one book. And when it comes down to some television series it seems that I am living on a different planet.

Thank the lord for the DVD-box. Because lately I invest quite some money in DVDs. Like many women I have to deal with loads of washing and because I kind of see the Mount Everest in laundry form popping up I have decided to see it as a therapeutic action. The steaming that comes out of my hot iron I do inhale like I am sitting in one of these exclusive Turkish baths and while I am ironing one of P his gorgeous blue shirts I do try to get into some mindfulness exercises. The DVD boxes are the third way of copping with some wrinkled t-shirts and jeans that is screaming for some smoother feelings.

And so I got this box from 'Brothers and Sisters'. And I like it a great deal. The series is already considered an 'oldie'. A wrinkled Rob Lowe as a hot shot senator on the rise and the nutty Mc Beal actress Calista who swept Harisson Ford of his feet as well. And don't we all know Sally Field who is so well when she gets to act like one of these constantly-tortured-in-the mind-by-her-family-but-only-wants-to-do-good-and-keep-everybody-happy-and-fed-character?

The storyline is so simple and most conversations that take place between the characters won't blow you of your feet. Nope! It is just simplicity and the fact that some of these things do happen in families. I am blessed with a very big family. Huge even. Some of my cousins are already grandparents! When we get together it is always great fun to figure out who belongs to whom and what the latest assets are. New born babbies, sharp and beautiful looking girl- and boyfriends who happen to be forced to come along and of course the missing faces get identified by many. Yes, we do wear name tags with a color code.

The strength of a family is of course not in its seize. Because when do you consider someone family? Uhm, hard to say. P has got also a family and he is real close with his parents. There does not pass by one week or he has at least been there more then once. He chats up with his mum frequently and yes, no surprises on that front, it does sometimes make feel left out. P has got a very close bondage with his blood ties.

What do I have with my family is not the same. It can't be because I do know that not one family is the same. Each family has got its history and back ground. One look at the recent pics taken last Easter break while egg racing through the gorgeous looking and in bloom garden of mother's makes me smile. I am content to see the faces of my sibblings and the 'extras' they brought along in our lives.

So nope I am not one of these persons who just thinks that family ties are to be taken for granted. You all out there will know for sure that they come in all kinds and sizes. The only thing that I have come to realize is that it is a never ending story. And that there might be a start on a yellow colored paper that states where it all began and where you come from. But there is so much more to a family that does matter and can make the difference.

So with the summer break is near and this time I will spend some time back where I come from. I need the oxygen and to connect back with my roots. My family roots. I might have clipped of the branch and successfully got my feet planted in some freshly dark earth elsewhere to grow my own piece of family. Still to keep that the blooming process going on I do feel so happy that I can still drive over (even take over close friends along) and come 'home'.

Once I touch that base there is something activated that I now cherish more then ever before. Yes, I need the summer for that reason. It will help me to refocus and rejuvenate. It feels like the best detox ever prescribed by a doctor and on top of that I will meet up with 'old' friends and acquantainces. And I will try to make others 'taste' what makes me feel so family tied. It is not simple to put down in words and it takes time to make sure you can feel it.

And yes, I am aware of the fact that there are many out there who do not have a family or had to create their own family due to many reasons. Believe me I have seens many families into action and I can surely say that words like pain, hurt, misunderstanding, anger, contempt and many less flatering words are then used. It is not always a fairy tale out there.

So I am very grateful for my mum who I do think does a very great job and trying to keep these family ties going strong without suffocating any family member and this on many fronts. Mum, you are doing an amazing good job! But are you aware of the fact that you do need to recharge your mobile phone once in a while or how you can listen to your messages we leave on your answering machine. Uhm, if I come to think of it we always have been a family on the move!

P.S.: And yes, there are some people out there who I do consider my family. I might not ever told them openly but in very small gestures and sincere acts of love and friendship I know we have kind crossed a certain line, the blood line! Some of you I might not see that often and some of you might not even be aware of the fact that I am tempted to include you in all the family fun.


A Tribute To Family`


I don't know when it started,
Or how it all began.
But God created families,
As only our Lord can.
He was teaching what it means,
To love, honor, and obey.
He wanted a strong bond,
That we don't see too much today.
He wanted someone to hold us,
And show respect for others.
He wanted someone who'd be gentle,
And so he created mothers.
He wanted someone strong,
A support filled with love.
And so he created fathers,
Sent from heaven up above.
Brothers and sisters came next,
With that, an instant friend.
Someone to look up to,
Someone on who to depend.
When he put them all together,
He was amazed at what he'd done.
He had created a family,
Mother, father, daughter, son.
But look at the family,
Created by only two.
How many we've become,
And all because of you.
We have a lot to be thankful for,
The memories through the years.
The many times together,
Full of laughter, full of tears.
I don't know where we'd be today,
If it weren't for the two of you.
To show us strength, support, and love,
Like only the two of you can do.


© Michelle A. Moran

Source: Tribute To Family, Poems about Family http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/family/poetry.asp?poem=1251#ixzz1QTABxw9c

Something Got Me Started

In case you hope to read an upbeat entry you better search for an other blog. This won't be then the blogspot where you want to hang out at. Because Stallie is upset and mad. Something got me started and it seems that I won't easily find the Zen-mode again. What happened? Well, perhaps you better ask me what has not upset me? Because the list is long and distinguished. I am in what I call my personal 'ram-bui'.

Stallie can be very moody and is blessed with a very bad moodswings. I can bite when colleagues come to close to me before I had my first cup of coffee and digested the rest of my breakfast. I then need Jasper Cullen and Doctor Carlisle Cullen close by to get back into my easy to handle status. I do come along with a manual and there are acts, sentences, words, bodylanguage, views and much more that can make me set of.

Hey, I am only human so I can have a total off day. So today I feel like it is one of these days. Inside of me there is a vulcano spitting out major amounts of ashes and I just seem not to find my Zen-mode. Mindfullness? Never heard of that? Medidation? Can that work in cases such as this? Seriously doubt that!!!

God, I know myself rather well that I can just lose it all together. I am fully aware that I am one of these persons who gets carried away when I feel kicked or pushed into a corner. Also I do know that I can be so out of control when I just do not seem to handle the situation according to my personal beliefs and values.

Uhm, I even feel like I don't want to give it to much space out here. Because you know what? It might be just the end of the school year coming closer and I feel that I might just walk into a minefield. Not that I take it that personal but I just don't get a grip on the situation and I get into a fit! One I can not just snap out very easily.

It would take palm trees, white beaches, blue water, white horses, a gigantic sail boat, Mathew Mcconghey in a tux, Cosmopolitans with a straw, full moon and tons of stars,... Seems that I want to be in a paradise that is out of reach!!! For the moment I will have to settle for something less pleasant: a school racing to then end of the finish line and on its way perhaps still breaking down a few times or even getting involved into a few crashes. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Uhm, I guess I will have to settle for my hot bath that I am going to fill up with lavender and then perhaps plug in my iPod Nano in order to get detached of the outside world for at least a few minutes. If this not works then I guess that desperate measures have to be taken in the form of chocolate. But not such a tiny bite. Nope then I dive into the umami. Because this fifth taste sensation guarantees me the taste of divinity. Sounds like heaven on earth!!! Lavender, chocolate and music and some meditation don't sound that bad after all! Yummy umami!!!!

Umami-chocolade van Belgische makelij

Expecting Happiness

Today I was browsing through some children's books I owe and when I read this one I just had to think of my two best friends. Two amzingly young ladies who are pregnant for the moment. Two women who had to be kind of patient to finally feel what they were longing for. I admit here that I have been kind of letting tons of candles burn in churches all over the world and then just hoped & prayes that it would soon be a fact. Because these two women are in my honest opinion made for motherhood. I have seen it in their eyes!!!

I am very happy for them. They have been longing for such a long time to get into the world where words such as ultra sounds, 40 weeks, strange cravings, tiny toes and hands, stretch marks, morning sickness, baby prams, diapers, mother's milk, maternity clothes, delivery room, babyphone, numerous doctor visits, baby clothes and many more.... All words that for sure have been popping up on their radars for years but seemed once in a while harder to reach for then ever imagined.

Stallie is very happy for these two very special friends. One that is for sure a very devoted god mother to a 7 year old. And the other blessed with some extra content is somebody who I miss almost daily. I hope that their pregnancies will be not to hard to digest and that in the end they can just smile away and hold on to that special bundle of love. I can't wait to get my hands on these little angels. One this summer and the other will have to wait a bit longer because I will have to cross the Atlantic in order to be able to count its fingers and toes. But a promise is a promise!

P.S.: The cartoon I chose along with this entry is more for the two daddies to be. Because I am sure that both of them are also 'expecting' along with their beloved wives. And yes, I think that both of them will be kind of overprotective once they hold their bundle of love in their arms. Both of them will rock next to that baby cot and diapers won't hold any secrets to you any more! LOL

So expecting happy ladies this one here below I picked out just for the two of you!!!

Moet je zien

Moet je zien, dit is mijn kindje,
het woont nu nog op de maan.
Kijk, die slaapmuts en die schoenen
met die belletjes eraan.

Dit is de foto die ze maakten
in het ziekenhuis: Het Leeft!
Met een fluit en een viool
- al wat het later nodig heeft.

En soms hoor ik ook een trommel,
katteklop, soms hard, soms zacht.
Het is donker waar mijn kind woont,
waar mijn kind woont is het nacht.

Want het is nog niet te geloven,
in mijn buik is alles zwart.
Maar mijn kindje geeft zelf licht
en blaast sterren naar mijn hart.

Sjoerd Kuyper, 'Ik blijf altijd bij je', p 11)

Portrait of Father

Yes, I still celebrate Father's Day. P is now the lucky one who gets all the attention, art work, poems recited by heart and a gift wrapped up with love. It is a day that I now also call my mum to tell her that she is doing such a good job. Because ever since our dad died she is trying to be both.

I told her today while looking over the beach and the morning sun was blessing me that I do think that she does a splendid job. Dad for sure had been good father to us but now that she was on her own she did kind of did many things my dad used to do. She laughed and said that he was now pushing up the daisies and must be lying quite peacefully in that grave of his. Not that I don't miss him. I still do! But yes, time does kind of take care of many side effects.

You give it the space in your life that it seems to deserve. So, it doesn't suffocate me anymore, it can't make me scream out loud anymore, it can't make me run of or make me wake up in the middle of the night. Or at least not as often anymore! Yes, it has taken me to ages to give the grief and the loss the 'right' place in my life.

It can still suddenly make me cry when I watch one of these B-movies where a dad has this heart to heart with his daughter or I even change channels when I see a daughter drag her dad to aisle where the groom is waiting! I don't think that will ever change. Do I mind? No!! So today I gave my dad only the air time that he deserved and then handed over my father's day gift to P. He is doing a damn good job and I can tell you that A totaly agrees with that one.

While browsing over the internet I did came across this nice story about a father and daughter and I love it. It for sure tells a lot of how I feel about my dad. The message hidden in here I do think I have felt from very close by. I took me such a long time to set him 'free'. Don't get me wrong I still miss him and would give millions to have back next to me. But I do seem to cope a lot more easily with the loss. I have given it the space in my heart where it can linger around without paralyzing me. Happy to walk around and sometimes not seeing his shadow next to me!

No, we also not have many pics of my dad. In my dreams he does not even have a face anymore. He also sits most of the time with his back to me when he pops up. I recognise his voice but he is not as 'visible' alive in my dreams then a few years ago. The mind-portrait I painted of my dad is for sure the most abstract portrait I ever created but every time we do meet up in the dark I can recognise him.

A few months ago I walked into the office of my mother, that used to be was my dad's, and I saw this framed picture hanging against the wall. It had not been there before. I couldn't resist and took a picture of it. This time I did not ask my mum where she had found it or how it ended up there. I was tempted to do so but I just stood there and was enjoying the view!!!


Some say we never really know another person, that we really have only our perceptions of another while the real person remains a mystery, perhaps even to himself. At no time does this seem truer than after a person's death when perceptions are all that remains. It's a truth that came home to me vividly after my father's death.

My father's office called my mother soon after he died to say they had decided to name one of their conference rooms in his memory. He had been prominent in their firm and they wanted to have a portrait of him to hang in the room. So we sat down, my mother, my brother, my sister and I, and began sorting through boxes and trunks, looking for pictures of him that could be used by the portrait artist.

Curiously, there weren't many. He'd never been fussy about having his picture taken, especially in his later years when he was crippled with arthritis. We finally came up with a handful, ranging from his Air Force picture when he was in his late twenties to a snapshot of him at age 60, sitting, cane in hand, in a lawn chair in the yard.

My brother's artist friend volunteered to do the portrait. We gathered in great anticipation when it was finished and my brother brought it for us to see. It was hideous. The artist started from my father's picture as an old man and tried to shave a few years off him. Dorian Grey's portrait looked better.

So I, the youngest daughter, piped up and suggested that he try again, this time starting with my father's Air Force picture and making it a little older.

A month later the portrait arrived. Everyone stared at it for a long time. My sister, always a very black and white person, announced as soon as she saw it that she didn't like it; it wasn't him. My mother agreed that it looked like his Air Force picture but said she just couldn't remember my father back that far anymore. My brother liked it well enough but he said he really didn't have an eye for these things. He never got along well with Dad so I think he felt that disqualified him.

The firm didn't like the portrait either. The secretaries all remembered him as the wizened old man shuffling to his office. Even his partner of 30 years preferred to remember him that way. So they retained their own artist and commissioned another portrait, the portrait of an old man.

I have the original portrait. It sits on the floor in my office. It's the father I remember from my childhood, the one who suited up and strode out the door every morning to tame dragons when I was small, the one who threw me up in the air, rode me on his shoulders, my first love.

Mind you, I haven't hung it on the wall. It stands on the floor in my office. While I love having him with me while I work, I wouldn't want him getting the impression he's in charge here.

Copyright © 1998 Jan M. Simpson

P.S.: My dad was did buy tons of record and the 'Junglebook' by Disney was one of the first he bought for us to enjoy. This was one of his favorite songs and we were allowed to crawl on him and sing along! And the scratching we gave him he just loved!!! 'Bare Necessities' is for me the song that I play when I come to think of my father's necessities!