April the calendar says and I love that month for many reasons. Mother nature seems then find back some colors and sounds that we had to miss out during the Winter times. And I can't wait to plant my teeth in the chocolate eggs that I yesterday bought at one of our 4 star artisinal chocolate makers. I still try to keep up my lent promise by not touching any Easter related chocolate. In this nation that equals almost torture. This is the third year I do this and I can tell you that the moment that I will taste that first chocolate egg that this will be quite a pleasant feeling.
But there is an other reason why I am kind of thrilled about April and it is ballet related. Because on this coming Thursday I will be on stage and this for 3 evenings in a row. Yes, I am quite nervous because I have not been in the lime light for a long time plus me and ballet shoes have not been on good terms for quite some time. In a way we are becoming step by step friends again. What is not all of the time is much fun because I can tell you that re-learning ballet is not that easy as it seems.
You should see me sometimes while I try to copy one of these moves my Russian ballet teacher B does and I can tell you he does make it look rather simple. But in my case ballet is also brain training. One of the main reasons at the time that I got into ballet (and that seems now ages ago) was because it was a nice way to train my motor skills. Yes, I still mess up moves that many of my class consider a piece of cake. Yes, I sometimes turn the wrong way and when I need to coordinate certain movements it takes me a bit longer then most of the ladies. I need to practice more then the others and it means that I have to do my homework as well.
In many ways a ballet recital is then also a dance battle. First of all I can't afford to miss a single lesson. Because if I do then I might never be able to catch up again. It is then as if my brain refuses to cooperate. You might be surprised to see me copping with rather easy moves. Yes, I did bump into many and I know that I must have slowed us down a few times because I had to get a right before we could move on to the next step or turn.
Second of all if I find an excuse not to go then I will have a harder time to motivate myself to go the week after. I just must say that I had underestimated the fact that I had a whole cheerleading team who would yell me into the ballet studio. The moment I then ran into the balletstudio and faced 12 ladies who already had turned their first pirouettes and saw the concentration of their faces I was happy that I had listened.
Third of all is there the physical pain that ballet does involve. And no I am not just talking about strained muscles that I feel the moment I wake up after training. No one of the reasons that I have not been back for a very long time is my back. It is one of the most challenging spots and barameters when I dance. I have promised myself that I would not push it to far and listen to my body when I standing there at the barre. But what if your ballet teacher B suddenly puts your left leg in his hands and then turns your body and that you are 100% sure that you did hear 'crack'? His look in his eyes and his strict words paralysed me sometimes:'C, this is what I want to see and show my those arms. Long arms and stretch those feet.' More then once I did run into work and searching for the fysio who then had to asure me that still everything is in place.
It is very special feeling that washes all over my body once I am in that room surrounded by mirrors where my body suddenly takes over and the mind seems to be emptied. For about 1,5 hours I am granted a break and this on the sound of heavenly music that can touch my soul. Yes, there are days it takes me a bit longer to let go and let the music goes it's course but it never takes that long.
Thursday night I slip into a heavenly blue dress and will I put my hair up and apply blue eye make-up and take a very good look into the mirror before going on stage. Nobody will be sitting out there in the audience who knows me personal. Not even my family! Many of you had intentions to come and that was already enough. At least for this year it is. This year I need to be there all by myself and challenge myself in those brand new pink ballet shoes and let that blue dress come to live.
I have so many people to thank who made me believe in the impossible. Mum, thanks for dragging me into ballet store in Berlin where you bought me my new ballet outfit. J&A thanks for putting me on the first row when my lovely niece A did turn her first pirouettes on that gigantic stage. P&A who granted me a carefree Monday evening. W&N thank for posting on Facebook that I had to go even when I was doubt, it made the difference at some days. F you already know what you managed to do by dragging me into a Salsa club where I found back that beat of my heart. And last but not least B&H who one day just told me what I needed to hear and then copy it over and over. None of you will be sitting in the audience but I will be dancing for you and you can rest asured I will give my very best.
And because dance is an universal language I wish to end here with some inspiring dance words from some famous dancing souls:
"I just know that when I go onstage, I give everything I have, not only
my feet, not only my legs, not only my body. I try to tell a story.
Sometimes I am able to cry because I feel like it. Sometimes I am able
to love because I feel like it." -Sylvie Guillam
"While I dance I cannot judge, I cannot hate, I cannot seperate myself
from life. I can only be joyful and whole. This is why I dance." -Hans
Bos
