N(ever) I(magined) C(are) U(nity)

Today my son A celebrates his 8th birthday! He did wake up this morning and was a bit dissapointed that the weather did not fit with his mood. 'What a shame that the sun is not shining on my birhtday!', was his comment when he saw the grey and gloomy sky. I then kissed him and almost hugged him to death. 'But we are going to celebrate anyway after you come home from sports day camp.'

I am very aware of the fact that when it is his birthday that I do have the tendency to write a blog post centered around A. You can check it if you even feel like it but in the previous year I did write something about becoming a mother and how A found his way out of my belly into the world.

Some of you know the story of how A was born. That it are these specific and rather vivid memories of that life changing event to pop up again in my head must then not come as a surprise to you. Even P does admit that mentally February is not the easiest month to deal with. Because after all I still consider it one of my darkest periods of my life and with many consequences that I never imagined heading my way.

Still I fully agree with the general opinion that becoming a mother is very joyful ocassion. It can give you wings and adds to your existence more depth. Motherhood is for sure a blessing in many ways. By becoming a mother you pass on life and get the opportunity to raise an unique individual. In my honest and humble opinion it is a very worthwhile adventure.

But the start of that adventure does matter and that I did find out in a rather harsh way. And the hard part is that I only can be understood by people that have undertaken the same journey. The vocab I speak while retelling my pregnancy, delivering and first months of motherhood does not get much airtime/space in glossy mum-to-be-magazines. Even in the average book about pregnancies the amount of words is almost unacountable for. To be honest I did even skip those chapters that covered abnormal pregnancies and deliveries myself. What were the chances that it was going to be me?

I am fully aware that thanks to medecine and science that I can still recall this story and have some nice snap shots of A in his incubator. It is thanks to some very dedictated hospital staff that we were able to celebrate A his 8th birthday with dinner at Ikea. They were the ones who became his surrogate mother the moment he pushed out his first cries and they were also the ones who took him away from me. For one I can cuddle them to death for the other act I do curse them.

Believe me that at that exact moment you do not have much choice. A premature baby of 31 weeks needs a lot more than diaper changes, mother milk and cuddles. The care they call for is complex and involves tons of words that make you head spin. So that you then can not have that moment that many mums describe as magical and that your mother and child bondage is disturbed seems to be futile. All that matters is that your baby gets fair chances at staying alive.

I do not recall even the moment that they did roll by tiny A in his incubator on wheels because I was so drugged and felt horrible. At that moment it was P who had the priveledge to accompany him. I was left behind and that it was the aneastologist who was the first to congratulate me felt rather awkward.

The thing is that of those very intense moments of my motherhood I hardly remember anything funny or lovely. Because let us face it:there is nothing romantic about the breast pump they plant on the breast of your broken body. Nothing is fun about having to be rolled into the NICU while being on tons of painkillers and meds and almost not be able to reach for your son. Entering into the world of NICU is giving in constantly and having faith in tons of people. It is also trying to let nature take its course without trying to think to much of what still might go wrong. But I did take that into account because after all: heart monitors, plenty of tubes and wires constantly remind you of the very fragile line between life and dead.

In a way it is very fascinating to see your baby becoming stronger and fighting back when he faces some tiny hiccups. You get the opportunity to witness how a premature baby gets stronger with the day. That the docs and nurses try to involve you actively in the care of your baby is also nice but it just does not make up for something very essential that I just did not experience in those first weeks of being a mummy. Something I don't have the right words for because it is a sensation that I do hear other mothers talk about and yes I envy them for that.

Why? Because believe me the first 6 weeks I did feel myself rather a 'passive' mother and sometimes described myself being a big fail. Yes, in a way I even blamed (and there are those moments that I still do) myself because I had not been able to grand my son the head start in life he deserved and I made him end up being even more vulnerable. I do remember that there were also posters on the wall of the NICU-ward of a support group for parents of premature babies. But I have to be honest that I just did not feel like going to one of their meetings because all that I was able to deal with was travelling to the hospital, sitting next to A his incubator, trying to produce milk and sleep.

Highlights of my first weeks were the visits of my family and friends who insisted that they wanted to see A and me. A few weeks ago a very good friend of mine described to me that moment that I had pointed out A in his plastic bed while the two of us where standing behind glass. It sounded so surrealistic but I do remember that her visit made me feel 'more' mother. Also that we went shopping for baby clothes and that she was the one who dragged me into the city to have something else than hospital coffee and a candy bar out of the machine. It are for sure those moments that 'saved' me in order to get throught that period of time.

The moment that one of the NICU-docs told me that A was ready to go home I do remember that I did panic. And not only because I still had not bought diapers and baby lotion. No I wondered if I was going to be able to bound with this 'stranger'. For 6 long weeks I had not dare to get attached to him in an emotional way. So now that his five star care takers gave green lights to take him home was a very intens moment. I had been longing to be able to wear normal clothes instead of having to wear green aprons and my red hands were longing for something else then hand santinizer. But at the same time I was scared to death.

In a way I became used of having tons of people close by where A was and highly qualified ones. People that I have seen very closely involved with my child. I had seen them in action with him and I was so impressed by them.For 6 weeks he had been taken care of by a very very close knit unity one that was constantly on the double. As a result they were the ones who knew my child best. How in the world was I ever going to be able to replace such a smooth running 'family'-unity? But then it were also these people that were the first ones that I made me feel like a mother by calling A by his first name and even link human emotions to him. The day that a NICU-nurse described him as being 'angry' was the moment that it hit me that A was already a very brave little human being and was I able to think away the IV-bags and tubes that dissapeared into his body.

No, I was not prepared for what was heading my way the day P and I took A home with us. Our first night was one of checking up on him constantly because we were not used to him moving around and making those cute baby sounds. It did trigger something and I was so relieved that we got 'unharmed' through the first night without any monitors.

Lately I am very aware of the fact that thanks to the progress of medicine and science that A is still with us. If it had not been for the excellent care that I and A got while being in hospital then I wonder if I would able to show him his first baby pics and tell him the story while he looks with his big blue,green eyes at me. So that there is a place like the NICU and that there are docs and nurses who feel up to taking over of you in those first essential moments of A his life I am very grateful for.

Thanks a million because I am fully aware of the value of that care. Care that comes along with a price tag but thanks to the social security system we have in this nation is affordable for many of us. But sometimes we tend to take that for granted. And perhaps we should become more aware what a difference affordable care can mean and that we should fight for it if it becomes endangered.

Because sooner or later NICU might become something only a few might be granted access to when it becomes unafordable for some of us. So in all nations where there will be cuts in health care or government officials are coming up with reform plans make sure that you make them first visit the NICU because it is a spot where miracles take place and you meet up with the fragile side of life. After all we are very fragile but forget that once in a while. A reminds me of that daily but the force of life he shows amazes me that it even takes my breath away.

P.S.: I picked two songs to go along with this very special entry.

Song 1 is a song P and I link to A his start of life and it has a very special meaning to us. For sure it describes very well what we went through at the time.Because after all we were not able to take you along into the NICU and had to leave you behind that automatic door. Altough I have to admit even if I would have taken you along I did still walk in 'alone'.

Song 2 is by Sting, one of Stallie her favorite artists, and this song I do connect as well with anything around me that is fragile and might be taken for granted.



-uni

Valentine's Day is over the top

'Hey mum, when is it Valentine's Day?', my almost 8 year old did ask me this morning. It was a question that did surprise me a bit because first of all he is for the moment recovering of a concussion and second of all I did kind of wonder why he wanted to know.
Stallie:' Valentine's Day? Tomorrow! Why?'
A:'Uhm, well just because I want to know.'
Stallie:'Is there someone who you want to send a card?'
A:'Well,...', and I see him thinking very hard.
By now I am already LOL in my mind and think this is a very cute mum-son moment to share on an ice cold Monday morning.
A:'Uhm,'op wie ben jij'?'
Stallie:'Dad!'
A:'And is dad also 'op jou'?'
Stallie:'You better ask your dad. (me thinking 'Jezus, you stupid woman, of course he is but he just never finds the time to say so...') But is there someone you particular like in your class?'
A looks at me like he wishes to cut this conversation short but then decides that this is perhaps the right moment to get everything into the open.
A:'Well, you know, there is the one girl (he did say a name but that is top secret and I am not going to tell anyone!) and I am sure she likes me. But the funny thing is that she does not says so but she is. I am very sure about it.'
Stallie:'Yeah,so.....would you like to send her a card?'
A:'Do we have got cards?'
Stallie:'Yes, we do and then you can try to hide it in her bookbag or ask the teacher to put it in her lessonplanner. Would you like that?'
A then gave me suspicious looks and then touched the bump on his forehead. I then decided that this was his way of telling me that this conversation had come to an end. Next he asked for a fresh band aid and wanted me to hug him.

So what is Stallie her personal opinion then about this day? In a way I do agree that Valentine's Day is just so cliché. It is so over the top and no, I don't think that one day is good enough to scream out the love you feel for a certain person or for lief in general. Stallie does not celebrate Valentine's Day. So, she does not expect 100 roses on her doorstep or even one post card in the mailbox of a secret Valentine. I have crossed that bridge. Stallie has even stopped bying cards for her other significant one because that one card won't be enough to get the message across. It won't do.

Also I do not have particular expectations. Because the sensation love in my case is something that I try to share with many. I just agree with many people out there that we tend less and lessto say it out loud. And no, Valentine's day can never make up for the moments that you had the chance to so but just let the moment pass. It is not make-up day!!!

Love is a blessing that we sometimes tend to take for granted. Love is actually the only force we have left to make it work on a grey, windy, icecold day in February when many of us need a break and seem to think that summer will never come. Love is all around of us and that is quite a mindfullness statement to make.

That copple that you might have seen kissing on the bus, that mother who was hugging her daughter at the school gate, that busy manager who bought a second muffin for his secretary (and no he does not have an affair with her), the young student who helped an elder lady across the street because it was rather icy, the copple that you saw dance some salsa and beams energy all over the dancefloor and seems to call you over, the wink you got from a construction worker, the smile of a stranger who must have noticed that you are wearing a rather colorful scarf, or what about that colleague that offered you a self baked cookie in order to get your low sugar level back up, not to mention the Thank you note you received because you took the time to help out somebody in need of some advice, or what about the smile that showed up on your strained face when you found a very nice card in you mailbox with a very special stamp on there,........ I think you get the picture. In my honest and personal opinion all acts of love.

The funny thing is that I still did buy a Valentine's gift for my other significant one but the last few years I only buy gifts that I can enjoy with him. And there for celebrate along even if he might have forgotten or just considers Valentine's day just an ordinary day. I don't take it for granted anymore the sensation called love and yes it is blessing one that we can so easily pass on in many acts even small ones.

So even if you think that Valentine's Day is only a day to boost the consumption & sale of cupcakes, chocolate, roses and perfume bottles then I still hope that you might find some love popping up. I feel very blessed on this part and am very grateful for the love that I have come across in my life and yes on the night before Valentine's Day I wish to say to all of you thank you for being such a lovely people who have perhaps unconsciously showed some unconditionaly acts of love.

Blessings are the things we take for granted.
Each holiday we notice what we see.
Most know the Earth is utterly enchanted
Yet walk through life and love mechanically.
Valuing one's gifts takes resolution
After days and nights of fantasy.
Love brings the sweet relief of absolution,
Enveloping our hesitance in need.
No touch inspires so swift a revolution,
Transforming all the hieroglyphs we read.
In your love is the charity of spring,
Nor self-obsessed nor blinded by some creed,
Embracing the grey dawns that blessings bring.

Anger Mangement

Anger is one of the few personal traits that I am not very proud of. Because for years I did consider myself rather a very well behaving person. Deep down in me it only comes alive when most people are not close by. The problem is that the ones that I consider in my life the closest by must have been more aware of it that I ever was. It is only recently that I have come aware of the fact that I do have that dark side activated at the most awkward moments.

I fully comprehend the angry crowths that are hitting the streets of Greece, Syria or even Brussels. I also try to feel empathy when I see on my Twitter timeline the outcries for trying to keep the NHS alive and kicking. Stallie also feels very sorry for the gigantic fish, we then named 'Theofiel' that stranded barely alive on the Belgian coast and now will be 'recycled'. Yes, I did headbang when I saw the snow falling down one week just before happy hour and 'landed' in a Mc Donalds where I almost went down my knees for a Happy Meal & Wifi. I also felt so out of place to see in the news the many homeless people down in Brussels who need a roof above their heads pronto in order to survive to 'artic' winter nights. That then I also felt sorry for the fire fighters of Brussels who desperately tried to change the mind of our very ambitious secretary of pensions who is trying to keep most of us at work till we will die is I think understandable! And that I today had to declare my 10 year old collection of orchids dead was also a slap in my face. The garbage bag filled up with the 'sick' leftovers can make my stomach turn.

Some of the mentioned above cases don't have anything to do with anger I experience but some do trigger something inside me that is very strong. Okay, I have decided not to post a full blog entry about hot 'anger inflicted' news items for the time being. But this does not mean I do not have a personal opinion about them. The problem is that I for the moment try to stay away from them. Why? Because then chances are that you might meet up with a kind of Stallie you rather not wish to know or can not handle yet. The angery & upset kind. The one that can kick, yell, scream, curse,hit, cry, uses foul language and keeps on going and going unless you know the magic spell or own a lightsaber.

It must sound rather a bit awkward to you that I am fully aware of my rather less fun behaviour when I am in such a mood. There are people who had the honor of coming across a Stallie in such a state. Yes, even at work. Even there I sometimes show up rather dressed up as Darth Vader. It is at those exact moments that I seem to have forgotten all the important anger management tricks that Yoda pumped into me. Do I care? Do I even feel then sorry for the people that then seem to be the victim of my outrage or pick up some negative vibes? Do I even feel sorry for them that they have to face that kind of Stallie?

Well,...uhm what can I say? That you then better stay out of my way and go into hiding till the huricane passes by? Or that you then better wait with your 'insane' requests? Or that you then better ignore Stallie? Not that I am going to hit you or that you are the cause of my rage. But it does help that you give me some space & time but now and then check if I am still breathing. Because after all I do not own the impressive equipment that Darth Vader drags along in the Star Wars Triology.

So what if you ever see me sitting there all by myself at the bar with in front of me a glass filled up with something stonger then orange juice and just seem to stare into the darkness? Well, then please don't hesisitate to come over, sit next to me and order a drink. What might follow might be my life saving talk that I desperately need at that exact moment but perhaps just do not dare to ask for.

Because in reality I am just a girl who likes to sit out on the fence and see the world pass by, but now and then needs to get some things out of her system about what she has seen, felt, tasted, experienced, hear,..... I promise that once we get passed the talking bit that I then just want to play a game of 'Angry Birds' or sit out there with you and enjoy the silence and even end up ordering 'bitterballen'. So bring your smart phone along it might save you in case of an angry Stallie.

P.S.: The image I selected here above is a wonderful picture of the character 'Betty Draper'(Mad Men) who has got some anger mangement problems going on! Love it! And the music I considered suitable for this post is by 'Hooverphonic', one of my favorite Belgian bands. And yes, I fully agree 'Anger never dies, it is part of life, it is part of you...'

Great (Book) Expectations!!!!

I am one day too late!!! But never the less I want to share with you a poem that I do like of an author that kind changed my opinion about 'serious' books. Because one day when I was about 13 years old I did sneak into my dad's office to take an other look at the gigantic collection of books he owned. Amongst the numerous medical ones were also some 'normal' books. Most of them had shiny hard covers and when I did flip them open I did find mostly small print. I had to be fast because chances were high that someone would find me. I decided to go for that shiny book and sneaked out with 'The Pickwick Papers' by Charles Dickens.

That day I did start in a book that took me on a yourney that seems to be a never ending story. Because that story made me realise that there were so many stories to read that I had never heard of yet and were awaiting me. In a way is Dickens my first English author that I read. Okay, it was in Dutch but a few years later my high expectations became reality by means of 'Great Expectations' and what came after that is a list that goes on and on and on and on and on.......

So happy 200nd birthday to Charles Dickens!

Lucy's Song

How beautiful at eventide
To see the twilight shadows pale,
Steal o'er the landscape, far and wide,
O'er stream and meadow, mound and dale!

How soft is Nature's calm repose
When ev'ning skies their cool dews weep:
The gentlest wind more gently blows,
As if to soothe her in her sleep!

The gay morn breaks,
Mists roll away,
All Nature awakes
To glorious day.
In my breast alone
Dark shadows remain;
The peace it has known
It can never regain.

P.S.: Perhaps a very confusing choice of clip to go along but one day in college I was told by a very demanding college professor to read 'The English Patient'and I can tell you that even in there words, stories and authors are mentioned that I truly love. This was then again the book that brought me to read
Herodutus. A book my grandmother gave me once as a xmas present. So you see the story telling goes on and on and on and on.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dCLQWW7GQo (I would have loved to have shared this one with you but I can't post it here but copy and paste and enjoy a good story told in the cold dessert by a very lovely actress. It did give me goosebumps at the first time!)