It is more then half through February and I have been not out here... Uhm, well...I just do not have an excuse...No wait I do... I have been very busy with tons of things and for the moment I am in the middle of saying goodbye..... That is an act that I am not so good at because it is part of letting go something else I do not master quite well. Why? Well, because having to say permantely goodbye hurts and causes distress in my head. I have done it before and I know where it can lead me. The darker side of my existence then calls me in and it threatens to drag me into a well of saddness that can cause me to paralyse. Just this time it does feel a bit different....
While the world was on fire with love and many secret lovers did try to impress their loved ones I got a phonecall that my uncle died. People die! It happens all around you and it will happen to any of us. Part of the life deal! My uncle had a shirt number that not many of us will ever get to wear. In a way death then just is looming around the corner. Still, age says not everything about a person and for sure not about my uncle.
When I did visit him last summer I was fully aware that he partly had already checked out. Alzheimer had found his way in and that is a very confrontating something. While my aunt did serve me and A a glass of lemonade we sat with him on the terrace in the sun. Yes, I did observe him because I did want to find out if he was still with us. If he was sharing this moment with us, a moment that I do now cherish. I met up with a face that was rather blank but one closer look and I found in his eyes something very strong at work. Like he tried to fight back... Fighting a verb that my uncle for sure knew quite well.
Alzheimer did kind of kidnapp my uncle and there was not much we could do about it.
There was no randsom to pay...
There were not much effecient weapons to use to threaten away this enemy...
There were no secret agents or navy seals to put into action to fly him back home...
There was only mist to face when being out at the battle field...
There was no secret route for him to follow to get him back into his safe house...
There was no military code to crack to find out perhaps a secret passage out of this fierce battle...
There was no fitting march tune loud enough to play in order to make him snap back in his so proud army posture...
There was no ship strong enough to sail this stormy sea....
There was not a parachute at spare to jump out of this plane heading the one way direction...
There was no truce treaty to sign to make peace with this...
There were no clear rules of engagement when marching into this battle...
There was only deep and dark water to plunge into and sink deeper and deeper...
That last one might sound rather threatening to many of you but to my uncle it was part of his life.... a life that he loved with every deep breath he took. The relationship he had with the sea was one that we never fully were able to share with him. In a way I did envy him that he had found something that could take possession of his soul so intense.
He did try to drag us into his waters but part of him was always out there alone... a part that only got activated when he was close to the waves, the salty water, the jodium filled air and the wind that blew through his thick white hair that he covered up with a stylish white Borsalino hat and when he stared into the horizon. It was then that he might have decided that it was the perfect timing to get out one of his favorite, and treated with the proper sigar smoker's decorum, Cuban Romeo y Jullieta cigars. He then filled up the air with a very strong but intense perfume that must have taken him back to one of his sea voyages or dives... back to where he came fully at life... where he did dare to dive under and knowing that one time you might never come back up... A risk he was fully aware of. He was prepared to hear the horn being blown for the last battle and then dive into water....
So coming Thursday I am going to bring a final salute to a person who has taught me a lot about love and life.... and that first sentence of this beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda I will for the rest of the my life connect with my beloved uncle J, the proud and for sure commited former Captain at sea of the Royal British Training Team- Special Navy Corps.... Thursday the tide will roll in and the tide will roll out...
