Live To Tell

So I am back home after 8 days filled up with snow fun.  Stallie mastered once again to stay upright on skis and this time swooshed down mountains while the sun was creating rays of sun light that reflected in her snow googles and did remind her of diamonds.  The wind made a few of strains of her hear go up and down and the mountain air forced me take very deep breaths.  That she one day got lost and ended up on a piste that was so deserted and all that she could hear was my own heart beat and some lost birds was also unforgetable.  It was on that piste that Stallie once again came to my senses.  Mission accomplished!

But coming home is a total different ball game! Since last Tuesday my country is different.   That I found out about the terror attacks by reading a tweet while heading for the gondola that was taking me up in the sky where the snow and fun awaited me was rather surreal.  Still, I will never forget where I was that one day that IS decided that Brussels got hit right in the middle of the heart.   It is one of these moments that will be scratched forever into my brain. It is reality now and that means that my brain needs to deal with something that is very hard to give the space it deserves without paralyzing me. 

In the mountains where I do have the best overview and where my mind gets rid of all the information that was a bit eassier than when I woul have been locked in between four walls of my house but still...  It is out there on a top of mountain that I dare to scream out that I am so pathetic and that I have not a single excuse to try harder.  The moment that I am about to give up and I am so tired it is like the my mind screams out:'Oh no, not today... You have done this before and so the only way is down and upright...we are not going to fall down now... there is a way to find in order to get down in one piece... so of you go... '.  At the end of the day I feel very tired but my body and mind tell me that we are in balance.  I sleep twice as good in the mountains than at home.

But I don't live there and home is Belgium where there are only hills.  So I need to be able to function in total different circumstances.  Now, I have more than once expressed what I do feel for my country and also for my capital.  Yes, I am fully aware that it is not perfect and that politicaly it has a lot of explaining to do.  There is not a single excuse that I can come up with.... And that is also not what I am after.  Since 9/11 I am very aware that I need to cherish what I have.   After Paris I was kind of holding my breath and wondered when 'we' would be next.  Nope, I don't think that there is a secret potion out there to prevent this.  I might be to fatalistic and as much I love my life I am rather down to earth when it comes down to counter terrorism and terror in general.  I preach 'carpe diem' very fiercly and I do cuddle more an more the ones that I desperatedly hold on to.  Also I do miss many who I wish that life treats them all and their family kindly.

 The thing is that I since Tuesday might be the most silent one when people start talking about what happened. Nope, I did not create millions of tweets with updates about my nation.  Oh yes, I read the news report in my hotel room and tried to get my head around what had happened. After all I do use that airport and when I go into Brussels I do pass by Maelbeek Station.   This metro stop stands out because of the lights and the art work by Benoït Van Innis painted on portuguese white Azulejo tiles.   I have always liked that stop due to the fact that it kind of brought light after the darkness.

Suddenly I became very aware that not being home at such a moment does make a difference.  I did call P a few times.  Oh yes, he was very down to earth and he did travel into Brussels that day to get to work.  He now admits that he does not like to talk about what happened that day.  He tried to describe me in what state of mind Brussels was.  His hospital did admit about 20 victims and that process he did decribe as going very smoothly and with a lot of discretion.  A sign that whatever procedure is in place for such distasters does work.    He is very aware of the consequences for some of the people who got very severly wounded in this disaster and their lives will never ever be the same again. And numerous families will have to deal with sorrow, pain, grief and in some cases a traumitized person.

Oh yes, my nation has been critized over and over again how it is dealing with this terror.  Some nations even will describe us as a 'failed' state.  I do not wish to go into that for the moment.  It is always very easy to point the finger at others. It happened and now trying to figure out who we could have prevented this is kind of too late.  One fact is undeniable: there is a lot of work to be done.  The politicians voted into office need to be looking ahead and trying plan for the future ahead.   It won't be easy and nobody is perfect.  I do not believe in miracles and unfortunately there will always be the human beings who think that the only way is out violence.  History repeats itself constantly but history also hopes that we learn from it.

I just hope that the people who have got the power to change things take up their responsibility.  Ladies and gentlemen who are voted into office I still grant you the benefit of the doubt.  I still believe that most of you care and deep down wish to do it differently.  The thing is you all are running out of time. In case you wonder what I am trying to do in order to make it work: I educate humans,  I try to be openminded and listen to what their concerns, wishes, frustrations, hopes and dreams are, I try to let them reflect in a safe classroom where I promise them over and over that they will not be judged by the color of their skin, their religion or their looks or what football team they cheer for or what perfume they like.  I try to educate the next generation who needs very clear signals that they are taken serious and that their efforts will pay off if they put in all the positive energy in order to get there.  There is no guarantuee that I will succeed every time.  It takes two to tango (yes, Obama knows this!) and there is no time to waste anymore.  I take my profession very seriously and I do have serious expections about politicians in general.  Is that too much asked? I don't think so.  Afer all this is about so much more than just trying to make sure that next elections your votes are guaranteed and you can stay in office.    Don't we all wish live to tell... So what are you waiting for?

Do not expect me to have long conversations when you land next to me or that I will openly express what I do think about all of this.  It is too complicated and I doubt that I do make sense.  So when these three articles you can find here below showed up in the press I suddenly felt not alone anymore.  Deep down I do grief as much for these humans who got killed in Iraq, Pakistan, Syria or Turkey.  To me violence is never the right response.  But in case you will ask me I will express my love for my country and my capital out loud.   I have read a great deal of opinions the last few days and only a few reflect what I kind of think.  So in case you wonder:

https://decorrespondent.nl/4232/Brussels-teaches-us-everything-about-terrorism-has-been-said-except-what-almost-everyone-thinks/108466160-52e6e2db

https://dimitriverbelen.wordpress.com/2016/03/28/je-suis-yossarian/

http://www.demorgen.be/binnenland/-aanslag-lopen-hoorde-ik-uitgerekend-op-zaventem-b43720f2/

Over & Over Again

There is something about me that I not very good at hiding. It is something that I am trying to cope with for as long as I am already alive and kicking.  My parents have tried for years to coach me on that part and when studying abroad others have tried to team up and tame the beast inside of me.  Believe me many have pumped wise advice into this girl but more and more I think I am rather immune to it.  Okay, that I have got a dark side I can live with and most of the time I do manage to stay away from it.  But there are those moments that it just does take over.  

Now I had hoped that by getting older that I would get better at mastering these strong emotions that make me end in a kind of emotional roalercoaster.   Well, was I wrong and it even seems that it will even get even worse.  Not that you will catch me in putting on a Kylo Ren costume and fighting Han Solo.  It is not like that.  It goes beyong light sabers and the Jedi knights code.  It is about me not being totaly in control of something that can mess up my mental make-up.  I even stay away from my mascarra and compact powder when I am in such state.  It is like I have come to terms that it is no advance to hide what I feel like.  It is something anyone will be able to see and hear.

So what is it that then takes me over and all the other skills I master sends of to an exotic island for a long deserved vacation?  Well it is the feeling of injustice is that for the moment so much has taken me hostage.  No, I can't seem to let go and do not get me wrong it is not that I do not try to understand who and what causes this.  I am very aware that it is vital for me to fight back against this energy consuming feeling.  I have seen what it can cause and nope I have no intention to let it have a ball at my expenses.  No way!  That zen and mindfullness seem not to kick in that as fast as they normally do is no surprise.  But still.... At the end of the day I am the only one in charge of my brain if I at least give may around me the benefit of the doubt.  Well, ladies and gentleman the world around me is realy testing me at this stage....

The negative force seems to have taken over of my happy bunny mode.  One that I know long for.  Easter is only a few weeks away and I am longing of chocolate eggs, daffodils, tiny little chicks and lambs who jump around in green pastures and more of these Easter ingredients that create smiles and positive vibes.  Okay, it is lent at the moment and I have banished chocolate out of my life.  With the only exception of Nutella.  But the level of 'real' chocolate inside that guilty pleasure contains is up for the discussion amongst real chocolate lovers.

I am fully aware that I should be counting my blessings and that there are so many others who have more real reasons to complain.  That I feel hurt inside of my core of my existence is rather very personal.  It makes me not that such fun to hang out with.  Sarcasm then takes over. In case you end up close to me at such moments you will notice.  My remarks will not even makes sense and might even surprise you.  Oh I am fully aware of how negative I can be and how I can walk around.  My face is the reflection of the tempest of the century and I seem not to be connected.   Stallie in a very pensive mood at one moment and a few moments I could slam the door right in your face or start to produce tears of anger.   If you then ask me if I am okay be prepared that my answer will not always be straight forward.

That I can not fully explain to you what is going on is due to many reasons.  It is complicated and because I don't think it is very wise to make radical decission while being in the phase of rage I prefer this state of mind.  It is not pleasant and I am so aware of it.   I might be good at acting and at this moment I feel like I am up for an Oscar worhty preformance.  After all I am very cautious about not letting my state of mind interfer with my teaching.  In a way it is even an katalyst.  Oh yes, Stallie has found out in the last 5 years that all she wants to do is teach. I am not going anywhere.  But I do need an international environment in order to function at full speed.  It is where I bloom, where I can feel at home and constantly challenged..

So this lady needs a room filled up with young people to function.  More than ever I am fully convinced that a desk job is not my cup of tea.  As much as I detest the paper work and some other challenges who make my job less straight forward I still know that I want to be inside of a school during working hours.  Yes, I do love my job and it can lift up my spirits.  The # I love my job is so sincere when I use it that when I make a mistake or have failed to deliver that I feel so guilty.

Okay, that my educational hotspot is a very challenging working environment I am fully at ease with. The day I did send in my CV I had already figured that one out.  Lots of jobs are not a walk through the parc anymore and working with living being is very unpredictable.  There are is no guarantee that you  will never walk into something that will make lesson end up being a nightmare.  At this stage of my life I am finding out that sometimes you need to be patient and that letting go is vital.

Well that is something that I suck at.  Not that I not try but it is like that I for the moment I have to go through the different stages of grief.  When looking at the model that Kubler & Ross came up with that at this stage I am hanging out some days in the yellow zone at other days in the orange one. I have so much anger inside of me and it is like it has been bottled up for years.  Oh yes, I know that most of the attempts to find a way out are in vain.   The thing is that I first have to go through all these stages before I can benefit from the last two stages.  I just can not wait for these to arrive.

But for now it seems that I am not there yet and so all I can say it that I am so sorry if you meet up with Kylo Ren and long for the Han Solo.  All I can promise that I am working very hard to speed up te process and trying to find some short cuts... just bear with me that my patience won't be put that much at the test.  Fingers crossed and fortunately it Easter quite soon...