Still Falling For You

Many of you know that I am a teacher.  Also do many know that I teach in a very international setting.  For the moment do run over 70 nationalities around in my educational hotspot.  Oh yes, I drive every weekday into a habitat that is very colorful in many ways.  It is surely what I have dreamed of for many years.  The day that I found that one mail in my mailbox that I got hired was one of my best days ever.  My life has surely changed since that day.  Not a single regret on that frontier.

It have been already very challenging years since I joined the staff.  A school is not a static place.  Educators will for sure know that a learning environment is very fragile when it comes down to changes.  Not a single year or even a day is the same.  IT and administration and many stakeholders have made education so much more intense and I have to admit even tiresome.  The moment you think you got your head around everything there will pop up a new educational innovation that you are politely asked to integrate into your daily job. 

Now the core business of a teacher should not be writing perfect planning papers, filling out tons of assessments or other official documents. Do not get me wrong these are all very important but they do take a lot of time to get them in order.  Before you get to the effective teaching most teachers have already spend some time outside the classroom preparing, justifying, assessing, grading, analyzing, creating, programming, anticipating, downloading, etc.   These are all verbs and need action and take up already some of your energy.  As I have said out here before the automatic pilot is non existing in a classroom. 

So yes, the best part of my job is the teaching bit. It is that part where all the other things I had to do sometimes seem to fall in to place.  A bad day on paper can suddenly turn out to be best lesson of the week.  That this is due to my target group, the students is not a surprise.  They are my jury and it is thanks to them that I need to stay focused and open minded.

The new academic year is now 3 weeks old/fresh and have to say that it already has been quite nice out there in the classroom.  Surely, coworkers still have to deal with my notorious morning mood. This year also a new chapter started for me as a teacher due to some changes in my job description. My target group of students is slightly a bit different.  The subject is still the same and that is the super cool language Dutch.  Undoubtedly have most of you never ever spoken a word of Dutch in their life and most of you never ever will feel the necessity of doing so. 

It is not a very ‘sexy’ language and most of the students I teach will admit that they will move in the years to come and never ever will use the language actively in the far future.  Plus that also not all students are blessed with a talent for picking up easily foreign languages.  Some of my students even come into school not knowing one word of English. These students go into a kind of crash course of English with some of the best teachers we have at our school. It is amazing to hear the progress they make in one year. 

The big difference between those oscar worthy teachers and me is gigantic.  The fact is that I teach a one hour subject in a primary school and that is the same number of hours as music.  Once a week I walk into classrooms with only 1 mission and that is to teach the world Dutch. Nope this is not a piece of cake.  Even in secondary I noticed that if students had to make up their minds my mother tongue did not stood a chance to poetic French, businesslike German and the so sexy Spanish. 

An other handicap I face is that some of students are very outspoken that they do not feel the need to learn an other language.  English does make the world go round in the life of many of my students.  When I try to explain to them why it can be useful to learn any language they sometimes stare at me like I come from Mars. When I try to defend my case students come up with many reasons why Dutch is waste of time.  Like once a student said:’I already know 7 languages! I think that is already enough, don’t you think?’ I stood there and was speechless.   The next few lessons this student went on a strike. It felt like I had to win this kid over why it was useful to dive for the eight time into an unknown language and facing a move in the unknown near or far future.  In the end it worked out for the two of us but it did cost time and patience.

I can assure you that the battles I fight inside of a classroom are not that always easy. Yes, I even admit that I loose sometimes some of them.  Not that I am happy about it but it is reality.  So this means that I also feel a bit like the ambassador of the Dutch language in my school.  A job I take serious and I still not give up on. 

The thing is that this year I am given the opportunity to focus on the mother tongue students and the ones that have a talent for languages.  Something that makes my job a bit less complicated.  I still have to motivate many of them because as the language teachers amongst us must know is that the school language is the dominant language in their life.  Many of my students even speak at home an other language than English. 

Trying to maintain all those languages is hard work and let us be honest a primary child needs space and time to be a child.  Plus that not all students learn in the same manner what even makes it a bit more challenging.  Over the last ten years I have surely discovered that learning is very fascinating and that there is not one straight forward manual to guide your class through the process. 

Plus that it is very important that you as a teacher keep an open mind about all learners in your room. I have to say that when you suddenly find the right route for one your learner after a serious detour that this is an ace feeling.  About a week ago I had the privilege to witness such a moment. Seeing a student suddenly coping with the learning, taking initiative and applying correctly what you have been pushing into their system is so intense. It is like they cross the finish line in a personal best time.  It gives me shivers down my spine.  Suddenly I am for two seconds in a bubble where I only have eye for that one student.  High in the sky and in teacher heaven!

Students are blank canvases when they walk into your classroom but we tend to pick out the colors rather quickly they are allowed to use to create their personal learning journey.  Okay, the box filled up with colours does not contain an endless combinations of colours.  Many of teachers have to make do with what they have been given.  Creative thinking can help us in many situations but when you run out of resources or your patience.

So when I am questioned what the outcome of my learning I do sometimes panic because to be honest students all have their own way of learning.  I can assure that I did witness my Y3 students using their Dutch correctly in an active way outside the school and that is the ultimate sensation.  The thing is that it is so unpredictable and in some case you do wonder if it even makes sense to some of them. 

The odds are sometimes against me, but the days that I am winning and foremost my students are gaining confidence, independency, self confidence, are resilient, dare to take risks and are willingly to go on the learning journey with me I am a very content teacher.  The ones that leave my classroom with a smile also make my day brighter.  Yes, after all these years I am still falling for you….

Believe Own Way

Going back is never easy… it even feels a bit like cold turkey… my body and mind are then suddenly using all their resistance.  Surely, teachers are blessed with a very long Summer and that is so nice.  Still believe me that having to get back into the saddle can be sometimes rather painful.  Not that I could function optimal without a classroom but this year my mind had decided that it needed more time to get completely disconnected. 

The first weeks of July my mind was playing tricks on me and did I still woke up at the exact time that I had to wake up in order to get ready for work.  Plus Freud would have had a great field day with me on his coach and hearing all the insane dreams and nightmares that invaded my mind during my power nap.  Stallie was not close to a mental break what so ever by the 2nd week of July.  Why?  Well, last school year something was taken away from me that I just adore.   Something that surely makes me love my job even more so interesting and challenging.   It is now a thing of the past and chances are very unlikely that I will ever get such an opportunity but sometimes life serves you lemons. 

Now, I do know that you then need to make some lemonade and find the silver lining in all of this. Yes, I am very much aware of that but it just did not work.  Like mentioned in  a previous post I have been crying a lot, screaming internal, cursing at many, running out of patience and foremost I have been taking it very personal.  That is me, 200% and I know so well that I then can act like a drama queen.  Still it was a very deep cut and it did not stop bleeding as fast as I wished for.  

Now over the last 6 months I did talk with many and some people have been very clear about my options.  A few even have pointed out to me that this is a new opportunity, others have tried to calm me down and tried to make me look at the half empty class as being rather half full.  P has demonstrated a lot of understanding and was even able to tell me that it would take some time to feel back a bit like the ‘old’ Stallie.  The thing is that P is everything so much faster than I am.   Plus I feel amputated in a way.  That is what it feels like and it is hard to replace that one limb that has given you so much joy and has pushed you over the edge professional.  

So yes, when it happened I did something else that is so not me, I did then book that one trip to Japan.  Now this entry is not the one I wish to get further into that trip. I promise that I will post a Japan entry very soon because on that trip I was granted what I did need so desperately. It has happened before.  On Mount Nebo, while looking over the Gran Canyon, on the top of World Trade Center, waking up in Yosemite Park and many other placed but believe me this time it was so much more intense. Even mindblowing!  Nothing is the same anymore since. 

Yes, I have been granted a very intense moment in Japan and I will never ever forget that exact moment. It can still give me shivers down my spine because I knew that the power of mindfulness can do miracles but still I had never experienced at full power.  There is even a picture of the setting shortly before it took place. I faced the worst Stallie in Japan and the one I so much wish to be when I tackling life in these heck of the woods.  One look at that picture and I am back…. I hold on that picture dearly… can you blame me? Hopefully not!

I was told that going back to work would be harder this time and so I tried to face the music with a smile.  About 120 seconds I was able to keep up appearances.  I am told to be an open book although there is a part of me that only a select group of people is allowed access to because they will take me off guard.   Plus I listen also very carefully when these people talk to me and so I was warned what was about to happen.  So yes, Stallie was not a happy  bunny when she had to unpack for the third time boxes in one year.  

That I had to move from A to B and then quite quickly to C and then 6 months later to D created havoc and chaos in my mind that was already in overdrive.  The thing is in order to function optimal I need a quiet office space to retreat to once in a while.  Coffee and a biscuit won’t do the trick. It is the silence in the morning and the first 30 minutes after school when I am all by myself that I am able to reset my mind or that I try very hard to put things in a perspective.  Now I was facing a mind that I just could not reset at any point.  During lunch time I felt broken en disconnected.  Like I did not fit in anymore.  The rest of the day I spend in a bubble and even took a few serious blows right in my face. 

Best part of that day the chat I had with my head of department.  She sincerely asked me how my day went although she already had seen what it had been like.  In those 15 minutes we talked I spilled all the beans.  Her smile and her eyes communicated that force that made me calm down.  She then asked me a few questions.  Simple questions with very easy answers.  Next she told me to go home and have a gin and tonic.  What I had not seen before or had forgotten about was suddenly visible.  Still it did not take the feeling away that this day had been a waste for me. 

So I drove home with a splitting headache and all I longed for was my bed. Yes, all the demons were back and I still wondered if I was in the wrong profession.   A gin&tonic was very tempting but then my brain was communicating only five letters: S L E E P.  Yes, Stallie went to bed shortly after nine.  What is extremely early for my personal standards. P must have been relieved at that stage because it meant that he was freed from a very dark Stallie.  It took me about 1 hour to find my way to the land of the dreams.

Sleep can be powerful and yes I had hoped that it would work. Fortunately it did.  That the sun was out as well and that I did mange to get into our new parking lot without hitting anything or getting stuck between the automatic doors.  The whole day I did manage to keep up my more positive outlook on the situation.  All went smoother and I even got into that one state of mind that I need to perform optimal my profession.  The sparks were there and made me feel more adequate than the day before. 

Satisfied is Stallie not… Not that comes as a surprise.   This teacher is after fireworks when it comes down to her job. A job I take very seriously.  Perfection I still strive for and we all knew that that is something not easily to obtain.  But I still aim for it… knowing that I will never ever be 100% good enough.  This school year will be challenging, no doubt about that.  That I on Friday did experience that brand new feeling that I created while I was in Japan getting lost and then found then seconds later something that gave me energy boost is certainly one big step forwards. 

Tomorrow students are expected back at the educational hotspot and I will be ready.  The cookies tin is filled up again till the brim and I have a brand new coffee mug.  Empty but very colorful folders that are screaming to be filled up with new ideas and a ‘new’ office that also will be my classroom where I do hope to educate and entertain my students. 

Yes, Stallie is ready. There will be days that the darkness will be looming around the corner and then please bear with me.  I promise that on the teaching frontier I still only go for the highest standards. I am not about 19 years in the teaching profession and not one single year has been the same.  Bored I have never been in all those years.  So bring it on the academic year 2016-2017.  We are back in business!  And I do believe my own way is the right way to walk when it comes down to my profession. 

PS: While being in Japan I found these boys and girls popping up on my Spotify.  Yes, they do sound rather tacky but once you have been in Japan it all makes more sense.  Even the music this nation listens to.  In a way they remind me of Steps.  More about Japan in the following posts. For now I can only say that there is a Stallie before and a Stallie after Japan. AAA will help to remind me of that.  No doubt about that!  I believe in myself, my students and the school I teach at.... that is all it takes to have that awesome and incredible academic school year I am after.  And to those all educators out there who also are about to kick off or already did for some time: I believe in all of you!!!! Please believe in your way!!! Your students also believe....

(You can find the translation of that song here: http://www.jpopasia.com/aaa/lyrics/291901/aaa-10th-anniversary-best/believe-own-way/)