‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.’
This could be basically my Christmas entry for this year. Not that I was after quoting Dickens but I have to be honest this year it seems to be a bit harder than normal. Oh yes, I am fully aware that I am not the only one who has a bit of a harder time when it comes down to getting into the jolly Christmas spirit. For a few decades now I rather have an internal battle going on with the spirit of Christmas and I am totaly going limbo around this time of the year. It is since I know both sides of life that I know just seem to fly blind during the holidays.
I have found out over the years that celebrating this holy festive day is rather a work of art. And the older I am getting the more I need to face the truth that I just lack a few skills to organize that picture perfect Christmas. Not I do not try but there are a few things that I just do not get right or is there a conspiracy going on. It like I am rather acting like Rambo during the festive season.
It is a bit give and take this season and I am fully aware. One minute I need to face major traffic, a deluge and almost hit a pedestrian and the next I am calling one of my friends who now lives in at the other side of the world who has shared with me unforgettable Christmas moments. Talking about mastering the spirit of Christmas she nails that. I swallow down so many emotions at this time of the year that in a way do not match the picture perfect Christmas card you send to your friends in the matching envelop with name sticker.
But then I am not much surprised that it hits me big time around this time of the year. You should see me in the mornings putting in my gingerbread men earrings and matching necklace and pulling my christmas jumper over my head. It is like I am plastering a protective layer over my face and body. It is as if I wish to communicate that I am 100% in the mood and that I have everything under control! The lesson plans U and I put together also contain that message and I even start picking out quotes to put on cards to wish everyone I love that one special Christmas.
Today I am sitting here in the living room with in a front our wooden Christmas tree (believe me I am over the moon with that acquisition and woud never go back to the plastic one) and I just finished wrapping the final Christmas present. I did hang some candy cane on the branches of it and I also just put that one specific bottle of bubbles, that I picked out months ago in that one special shop in Antwerp, in the fridge to chill. Most of my groceries are done and I managed to order that dessert that my mother wishes me to bring along home on Christmas Day. On the table there is standing that one nativity set that I longed for that many years and we ordered after long debates. My house tells me I am ready and that the preparation fase is coming to an end but still….
One close look in the mirror tells me that I am not…every year it hits me and it is perhaps that little black hole in my heart that I so desperately try to ignore. It is like a hammer that hits me on the head and I then have to snap out of a certain mood pronto in order not to loose any time to get all the things done on my TO DO-list.
So yes, I admit I can feel like Scrooge at this time of the year. It is as if I can scratch of the layer of that specific wonderfully wrapped gift with a gigantic bow on top that has my name on it but just know that it is all an illusion. That it is not going to happen…that I am trying to hard for the sake of nobody… . Yes, believe me I could strangle a salesperson who is trying to excuse himself that he does not have the screen in storage to fix your son his broken mobile phone and no I don’t get it why you would let the government of nation go into overdrive so close to the next elections. For those who know the ‘Suske&Wiske’-comics I am then inside ‘tante Sidonia’ who is in serious over drive.
Yes, I need help to get into the spirit of Christmas but this year I found it not in the places where I had hoped to find it. Oh believe me I do very much still think that Christmas is foremost about celebrating the birth of Jezus. Call me conservative or old fashioned but it is for me in the first place exactly that and in order to celebrate that you do not need a gigantic tree or pile of presents under a tree. But that is why I am having such a hard time this year…
The cliché that you have to create your own Christmas when nobody seems to care or is rather joined up in a conspiracy against you is very hard to go after. Mentally I am trying very hard and I have done tons of acts to ignite that spirit but this year I just seem to go limbo. Plus that this year Santa was so kind to bless me with a very nasty cold.
No, do not worry if you are one of these people who has tried to help me out. You know me well enough that I appreciate all you do for me. All the goodies and hugs I received , the home baked cookies, the great five star advent calendar that we together daily opened at work, the trip to Aachen Christmas market with my great coworker U, the Christmas cards from friends I find in our mailbox when I arrive home, the Nutcracker at Bozar in Brussels, the shopping assistant who remembers me buying years ago in her shop the earrings I am wearing and shares with me some great stories, hearing my students sing Christmas carols and getting goosebumps, having tea time and doing some great shopping with a very special friend in my favorite neighborhood of my capital, hearing the voice of N who celebrates her birthday but is thousands of miles apart, the delivery men (there is one specific one who I constantly wish to hug because I know he works so hard and manages to smile when he sees me smile), wandering around in my capital and just being able to be in the moment, my beautician who forgives me for forgetting my appointment and foremost the meaningful chats with people who suddenly admit me that it is not easy to go after the spirit of Christmas….those moments and a few more help me this year to create my own little Christmas…
Perhaps I have found out that it is all in the very little, special, emotional, sincere, unexpected, out of the blue moments that I find only what I am after and I so desperately try to bottle up that recipe and keep it close to my heart. After all I know that it will be hard once in a while. Yes, I do believe still in the miracle of Christmas but I do not take it for granted it anymore. I am so much more aware that many people do not have an easy time around this time of the year. It is as if am desperately holding on to something that I can only feel for tiny split second and then slips through my fingers. I then am standng there feeling lonely, ice cold, pessimistic, hopelessly lost, depressed and so many more feelings that are not affiliated with the Christmas spirit….sorry I can not fake it… you know me too well.
But then it suddenly hit me that I a few weeks did read a story about a certain pixie called the Truth Pixie. Yes, I was in pieces after reading a certain page because there it was black on white all what I do feel and experience around this time of the year. In case you wonder what it is…well it contains splashes of what Dickens wrote so many centuries ago. After all the message he did try to send out to the world while writing his Christmas Caroll or a Tale of Two Cities certainly did not grow old. I just have decided that I am not going to share the exact words by Matt Haig because after all their impact is something I do think you have to be able to undergo privately while reading the book itself. In there is all I feel at this time of the year and I guess that is not that bad after all.
So I wish all of you the Christmas you are after and that you manage to create your own little Christmas. Enjoy the times you get to spend with your loved ones, hold on to that hug one tiny split second longer, stare with a smile to the Christmas tree or nativity set while you traveling to the deepest spot of you being and try to hold on to it because it will be a bumpy ride now and then. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those people who still hold on to me when I feel a bit less sparkly and festive. You mean the world to me!
