Let is be the time that you feel connected with those you love the ones that you once had close by the ones that you have to miss the ones that you consider your dearest the ones that you can count on no matter what the ones that you have given the benefit of the doubt the ones that you feel connected with no matter what the ones that you share the good and the bad with
It is the time to be grateful, joyous and loving for what you have been given without having asked for it
Christmas can be the festival of light within your heart
Yes, you will miss something or someone as well at this time of the year... no matter what
But then that is when Christmas comes at live….
Stallie wishes you all a very festive season. Let is be that Christmas you are after and in case we end up seeing each other over this break I am so grateful that you are hanging out with me even when I tend to be a rather a grinch or Darth Vader at this time of the year. Missing many at this time of the year!
Wear sunscreen….it is for sure very straightforward advice and it is very logical advice. I found out when I was 14 when the sun made my skin burn and in a way ruin my vacation. The anger my father demonstrated I will never forget because I had fallen asleep at the side of the pool and they had not been around to remind me. So when my father saw in what state my skin was he just lost it. Or at least that is how I remember that moment. The pain that followed once the stars and the moon where out also was unforgettable. Yeah, the Côte d’Azur has left scars and so sunscreen is no luxury when it comes down to advice.
So when I did hear for the very first time ‘Everybody’s Free ‘ by Quindon Traver I felt so connected with the lyrics. Yes, I do envy those gorgeous looking individuals who look as if they walk out of a travel brochure with their sun kissed tan. My face and especially my legs communicate ‘polar expedition’. Nowadays sun triggers allergy and will make me go into hiding in the shade. Beach holidays are a no go for me. When I go out for a meal I am the one you will still find inside one a blazing summer day.
Now that school is out and Summer is not the calendar I feel very energized by the sun but I will cary in my bag sunscreen where ever I go. Yes, I am fully aware that when I come back of a skiing trip that I even look as white as the snow but I don’t care. It is my skin that I care about that is not the only thing that I like about those lyrics.
For those that are not aware this is song that is based on an essay written in 1997 by Mary Schmich, a former columnist with the Chicago Tribune. She won the Pulitzer and is amazing gifted writer and most of us do not know who she is. When I did hear this for the very first time I did wonder if this had been rather a collection of quotes mixed into something that Baz Luhrmann managed to sell. It is not and only by clicking a few times further you do find out how this ‘song’ was born. The words ended even up being linked to one of my favorite authors Kurt Vonnegut. He felt flattered but Schmich herself was afraid that she would be accused of plagiarism. Having to use the cliché excuse ‘I wasn’t aware that someone already had written this’, is one you seriously wish not having to say out loud when you are an author.
Still years later after hearing this for the first time I still like this advice and I bet that to many of us it does makestotal sense. In case you wonder if I myself do remember the commencement speech that was given at my graduation. Nope…I don’t. Don’t get me wrong because there are quite a few educators that I do remember and that have made an everlasting impression. Some have given me very wise and serious advice that I still keep close to my heart. But the speeches given at my graduation did not include some of the words that Schmich has included.
I do remember when I did hear it for the first time and that I did think:’Oh this is useful…especially that about the sunscreen.’ Plus that I do think that once you are passed 40 you might still wonder what you are going to do with your life. Some of the things mentioned it I do try. The sing one I prefer to do when I am all by myself and I am still not brave enough to do everything day something that scares me. Stretching is nowday more of essentials and a must in order to get out of bed.
So to all the young minds in the world who did graduate and are part of the class of 2019 or managed to get their hand on that Phd or Masters that they worked so hard for please dispense the sunscreen in big amounts not only your skin will be grateful….and please stay as eager you were when you were writing your college application essay or as focussed as when you wrote your thesis that made you curse and forsake tons of social functions. The world is a scary place but when you do wear sunscreen you at least have one extra layer of protection on you.
I do hereby want to wish all of you a great summer and enjoy the free time you get to spend with your friends, family or total strangers you might come across while discovering places. Be bold and brave and embrace new experiences. Put stay away from the street food if you are blessed with a sensitive digestion system. Plus try not go wild when it comes down to selfies and social media. Memories that last a life time do not necessary need to be posted on Facebook or Instagram in order to add that extra spice to your life. You are the living proof of that…just use sunscreen because no matter what you will always look better without a sunburn.
Outside the sun is having a great time and I am suffering of sun allergy but…I am still smiling. Yes, there are those days that even bumpy and achy skin can not get me out of my good mood. Surely it helps that school is out and that the next two months my alarm will not tell me to snap out of sleep modus in order to educate children. So it is that time to look one final time over my shoulder before diving into my huge stack of summer reading that I carefully have been putting together.
School years are in a way very predictable they kind of follow the paste of the four seasons. September is like detox in disguise and by October you know that it is useless to fight back and that it will tire you out. In November you run to the pharmacy for a vitamin booster to make sure you make it into festive and hopeful December. January is full of good intentions that then in February seem to have been made up for the sake of nobody. March your body and mind might hit rock and bottom. April brings chocolate eggs into the mix and when May is on the calendar you suddenly are aware that your year planning might have been a bit too ambitious but the sun is out and the birds are back. And then there is JUNE that one month were all the other nine+two months are blending together into a intoxicating and addictive summer cocktail. Yes, I love my professional calendar but it comes along with very fierce and strong emotions that I sometimes still can not rein in.
Yes, it has been a very emotional rollercoaster ride the last school year and I can not deny that there are still certain sensations that will make me doubt if I did the ‘right’ thing and made the correct choices professional. In education there are not that many guarantees and that is something that especially people next to the sideline seem not think of when then vent their very outspoken opinion about what they think in a school should do for their children. Yes, I have read a lot about education over the last 10 months and no I not always have agreed with people have been tweeting or have been yelling on Facebook. Most of you DO NOT HAVE A CLUE. Sorry, to break the news to you but as long as you have not been within a room filled up with all unique young minds with aspirations, hopes, hidden talents, outspoken opinions, mood swings, never-ending energy, self doubt, fierce emotions and an ‘secret agenda’ of their own you do not know what it like out there. But that is okay…I am the one who signed up for this job.
This year I found out that it will be a never-ending educational adventure with destination unknown. The school year might be emotional predictable but all the rest is beyond my control. Therefor it is no wonder that there are still many educators who one day might wake up and have to show the white flag. If the circumstances in which you have to perform and have to give your best for all involved then some of us will run out of energy. If this has happened to you know that it is perhaps the longest battle you will have to fight. And even then there will be people who will question you why you suddenly have given up. But what if there is no sufficient answer to give to the people why you had the walk out of your classroom. Taking care of your self is after all perhaps the one thing that many of us consider rather easy but in reality it takes a lot of hard work.
I have been in so many fascinating places this year with or without anyone else. There have been those times that I was sure that I had figured it out and that I knew what changes to make to a lesson in order to make it better accessible for all the ones that I have under my educational wings. There were the days that it all fell in place and that it just made sense what we were doing together and that it felt like real teamwork. Yes, that is where I got my energy from and fueled up for all those moments that you were about to bin a lesson plan or even think that you have chosen the wrong profession.
In my educational hotspot I have found out that nothing will remain the same and that you will be ready to deal with so many unforeseen circumstances. And if you then not have people around you to support you then it all becomes a bit harder. We need each other in order to be better teachers. Those who assume that once you close the door of classroom we forget all those others that are involved but believe me we don’t. We take so many along on our educational voyage and the responsibility and stress that comes along with it most of us experience it. Oh yes, there are those teachers who seem to wear a hero cap and seem to be immune to it but believe me we are only human and once in a while we need a break and a shoulder to rest on.
I am a bit tempted to compare working in education to being a F16 pilot. Those pilots I have a very outspoken respect for and no that is not only due to Tom Cruise. These men seem to be cool once they get into their million dollar worth aircraft filled up with technology and weaponry but something essential happens when they are up in the sky on a mission. These pro have survived hard training and are willing to dive into very dangerous situations and even tough they have gone over a plan a thousand times they are fully aware that in a split second everything can change. When the slip into their seat they feel at home and they become one with the aircraft they have been granted control over.
Once they are high up in the sky they go into a very focused state of mind and even tough they get to fly over the wonders of the world they are still fully aware of their mission. They are not just flying over for the sake of flying…there is always a mission…ALWAYS even when they are in peaceful circumstances. They share their expertise with others and when they leave they will tear up because they leave something behind that has made so much sense that day they signed up for. And even tough they are all by themselves in that small space they are still surrounded by a framework of people who they can rely on. There are so many involved in order to bring a mission to the wished for ending. And then there are the wingmen flying next to them. These are the coworkers that look out for you, who are with you in the hardest times and who you can rely on when you might run out of ideas. See what I mean even these people need a team to make it work….
My last 10 months were again an unique mission and now that I am allowed to get out of my office/classroom for a longer period of time I also have to say goodbye to many great wingmen and wing women. They take a piece with them of me and they leave something behind of their expertise, wisdom, inspiration, drive, joy, passion, critical thinking, creativity, positivity and aim for excellence. Some them are after something else, some of them retired, some move on due to other circumstances and some did get an offer they just could not refuse. You all have your own very justified reasons to move on to greener pastures.
No, I don’t take for granted the opportunities that I am offered when I am working in education. It is where all the worlds collide and and I am finding out more and more that we teachers are the last line of defense. That so many seem to have a certain opinion about teaching, learning and education in general says it all. We are all have been touched by a teacher or two in our lives who made have the difference and not always for the good reasons. That we therefor then wish the very best for all when it comes down to education is so logical. Well, what seem so straightforward on the ground might be less straightforward when you once up on there high in the sky all by yourself.
That we teachers are then always looking out for experts to lead us back into the field and make us better educators is then not always a piece of cake. We also sometimes need to look within ourselves to find that force within us. So that many of us over the next two months will be leading a more carefree existence is for many something to be envious about but the thing is that during the coming 8 weeks are already preparing for the next major mission high in the sky where it all happens.
So I hereby I wish to thank all the wingmen/women who I got to work with over the last years and I had to say goodbye to last week. You will be missed and I wish you the very best in your next chapter. I do envy your future squadron that gets to fly into battle with you because the flights we had along side you were surely unforgettable ones in so many ways. You will still be up there with me in spirit.
And now bring on that first book…hmm what to choose ‘The Monkey-proof box’ (a book about curriculum design) or ‘De Bourgondiërs’ by Bart Van Loo… oh wait I have also that one book by Moriaty that awaits me. Oh and that bottle of prosecco and Saint Germain to prepare a great cocktail is also chilling in the fridge. Summer here we come...
P.S.: The songs I opted for are both lined to the unforgettable school year. The one by Take That we got introduced to by the amazing Y2 students who used it in their year group production, danced on with the whole school on our sportsfield and we wrapped the school year up with it during our last whole primary assembly. The flow of energy that I got experience during that moment was as if their was a force released that you wish to hold on for a very long time. The second on is rather an oldie and did one of our wingmen mentioned during his farewell speech. Yes, I am still having the time of my life when I am high up there in the sky but I do know more than ever that I also need some experienced wingmen/women next to me in order to stay safe, healthy, in good spririts and grounded. And you are always welcome to fly next to me....just bring along some Haribo it work do some magic.
When it happened I cried…it were rather silent tears but they were gigantic and they fell on the carpet in our bathroom that we normally use for spilled bathwater. That there were numerous tiny wet spots showing up on the light blue fabric while outside the sun was shining made my stomach even go more into a twist. I felt totally lost and a new black hole was about to be formed inside of me. Because it was a normal workday and I seriously detest coming too late I gathered all the broken pieces in a record time and swallowed the sadness down because life goes on no matter what.
Ever since that specific day I do try to stay calm and move on. Not that I have not shared my opinion with people about it, but it hurts in a spot where not that many people can follow me. Is that then the elite sensation that many people voted against? I am lost here…and totally flying blind. Believe me I try very hard to understand why people want out of something that has not lived up to their expectations. Do not worry I get that for 200% but it remains mind-boggling what some people give me as their personal reason why they voted for Leave. But believe me, I do understand. You must have very good reasons to do. I get it...I do and please believe me...okay?
No, I don’t consider the EU as being perfect. In my humble opinion are words such as 'excellence', 'perfection' and 'outstanding' rather an utopia that mankind reaches out for but never manages to get right 100%. Politics are surely a minefield and most of us vote for 'change' when we are called to the poling station to cast our votes. Over the last decade I have ended up having less and trust in politicians. Hey, they all have their own private agenda and many of are addicted to power. It is a drug and how would you feel that they would take away that one cup of tea or coffee you desperately need in order to function?
It will never be enough… I have figured that out by now. The moment I am experiencing ultimate bliss might only last a split second and the next I am about to explode and very tempted to behead a follow citizen who thinks that he or she can ignore the traffic regulations. There is this very thin line between happiness/satisfaction/joy/love and fury/sadness/disappointment/insanity/hate that pushes me forward but also can paralyze me. It is like the perfect storm that suddenly shows up on the mental radar. There might have been a few warnings beforehand but despite those you have decided to just dive into the abyss where darkness prevails.
That spring in combination with things such as Brexit can have such a deep impact on me is of course linked to my personal DNA. But still there are days that I do feel a bit out of control and this that the world was a bit less complicated and would be able to find the common ground that we all need in order to function a bit better than we momentarily seem. Newspapers and social media are full of outspoken opinions why people are not happy and dissatisfied about how it is all going. It is mind-boggling how many people scream out that they feel discriminated, wronged, hurt, angry, abandoned, cheated on, lied to,… I can go on and on with the list of less happy sounding words.
About 17 years ago I made a promise to a person who also was very good at expressing his very straight forward opinion about the world we live in. He never added sugar to the medicine to make it down more easier. That was not his style. Yes, I sometimes do have imaginary conversations with him because it is perhaps the only way to keep myself in control. To not slip… and to focus on what matters and what can help to make the day end with a smile. Also I have always listened very careful to advice that my parents, host parents, my other significant one, siblings, mentors, ballet teachers, coaches, friends, coworkers and even strangers have given or still give me. I breath those wise word in and then hope that they will make one day the difference. And they do..still do.
Yes, I kept my promise and still do I go on and try to embrace life at the fullest knowing that it will not always bring 100% satisfaction. Plus I strongly believe that are so much around to be grateful for that we sometimes consider normal. Perhaps one thing that Brexit has taught me is that many things that we take for granted are not. That we do have more in common and share than we ever imagined. It does not take away the rather gloomy outlook I have about this whole political ‘soap’? Sorry for my choice of words but almost three years further down the line I start to feel a bit like it. Whatever the future will have in store one thing I do now for sure It will never ever be enough…there wil be one more thing we will have in common and that is that we all have lost something. Something that one day seemed to be enough to feel a bit more unified.
I am trying more and more to bridge the differences I came across within and that seems not that straight forward. Sometimes I do wonder if a walk over the Peace Bridge across the Foyle, Northern Ireland would do the trick? There seem more and more be painful moments that it seems that we rather would like to destroy that bridge we have constructed over the last 50 years and only will hold up if we all put in some extra energy. Now do not get me wrong…I do understand that for some of us the whole EU bureaucracy only has complicated their daily lives. There are even people who wonder what happened to their villages that once where so prosperous and where raiding a family was good. Nostalgic stories and pictures are then the only proof that is left of a life once led.
Yes, I have already said 'sorry' when talking to people aboout this subject. I feel sorry that it seemed not enough to hang in there, to take a risk and keep those values we share in a joined venture. Personal I do wonder if we should have tried harder to make it clearer and less complicated. Yeah, Stallie takes so many things personal. Democracy is a nice sounding word and people seem less and less connected with politics. Well, honestly I do thing that there are people out there that do have a hidden agenda when it comes down to Brexit. Those people I do not know personal and they do not know me personal. That is not going to change once that final signature is put under the divorce papers. So yes, I am already sorry for that we are all going to have to wait longer when we wish to visit eachtother or having to pay more if we wish to taste our delicacies. Sorry...sorry...so sorry...that is when you wish to leave and leave behind something that once seem to work but now has only defaults.
It seems that we might have went one bridge too far. For those who know that movie with a four star cast (Sean Connery and Robert Redford in a less wrinkled state!) know the famous words by the English soldier Frederik Browning. I guess that is for me the best way to momentarily deal mentaly with Brexit. Having to say that the mission was not accomplished is surely not easy and does not call for a parade. Politicians and lots of civil servants/bureacrats/diplomats/lobbyists and other EU staff are fully aware of that. And that is the least I can say about the whole painful political chaos we are momentarily facing.
The future is unknown and Brexit demonstrates that so well. There are circulating many other comparisons on social media in order to explain what is going on. There is this one of using that you try to take something out of a baked cake. Impossible but hey there is now something called vegan cake? No? Might work, no? Sorry my fantasy is running away with me once more. Yes, I do not always tell out here what I truly think and feel because the last thing I wish to do is hurt people or give them the impression that I do not understand their feelings or opinions. Believe me, I don't but I also have those and I do think that it is important that the EU works hard to uphold those values and keep us safe. Lots of those safety, health and economic regulations are there for a reason and sorry if they might have created only disspleasure in your daily life..... do you get why I rather talk face to face to you about this?
Still, when it comes down to the EU I do have a very outspoken opinion. I can be very passionate about it and it has changed my life in a very profound way. In case you wonder how then just ask me. I will happily buy you cup of tea and a scone with cream or cupcake before sitting down for a long chat. But promise me to bear with me and walk along with on that fragile bridge. Not that I can make you any promises that you will be any wiser and understand me fully. Sorry it doesn not work like that...building bridges is about tying to find ways to bridge differences and not withening the gap further. Sometimes that is a very time consuming and complicated process.
For the moment there does not seem to be a way that we can come to an agreement to end the relationship so that we can all move on in peace, foremost peace of mind. And therefor we will have to put up with each other for a bit longer. I don’t mind but it is not something that I did foresee that one day that I woke up and found out that the UK was going to file for the divorce. My love for that nation is now so much interlinked with who I am and therefor even after our joined EU story comes to an end I do hope that there will be enough that will keep us connected. That is what I hope for and that might be a hope in vain. But I never ever have taken for granted what the EU has given me so far and that is not going to end the day that the UK leaves.
That I then momentarily might have to look in very unexpected place for hope is perhaps the hardest challenge but the moments that I do find it are gigantic energy boosts. It can be in very tiny acts. A text message of a friend living at the other end of the world, a picture of my niece J who now can walk in the colorful dress I bought her for Christmas, sharing chocolate and drinking a cup of George Clooney, walking by myself through Tervuren Park while the sunlight reflects in one of the ponds, a cupcake of Lilicup while you recall all the colorful memories you created with your special friend N, reading that about 600 page book by Ilja Leonard Pfeijffer (a very fitting book to read at this time in the whole Brexit saga), is getting lost in your capital and observing tourists that buy ‘tourist trap’ chocolate, is tasting yuzu sorbet at Gaston at Place Catherine, buying bright yellow tulips to brighten up your living room, mowing the lawn and smelling the perfume of freshly cut grass, waking up with the sound of a rooster who announces that the day is running already late and foremost being amazed by the pure power that nature exhibit all around….and that happiness you also create yourself but sometimes it just involves a bit of work or peace of mind.
There is a lot going on in the world that is beyond my control and it is thanks to spring that I am fully aware that I do have so much to be grateful for….so ever since that one year spring is so much more meaningful and do I know that I am someone who for all seasons but for sure feel most connected to many things, people and the planet I love during SPRING . And concerning Brexit we will have to see where it ends… To be continued I guess….with or without a scone?
Het Gelukslied
stel dat het bestond: geluk in dozen of per pond. geluk in potten, per dozijn in een karton; gaf je er geld voor als het kon?
stel dat het bestond: geluk kwam zomers uit de grond. geluk was onkruid in een bak op het balkon. liet je het groeien als het kon?
stel dat het bestond: geluk, meteen al in je mond. geluk als water uit een borrelende bron. werd je dan dronken als het kon?
stel dat het bestond. geluk in huis, als kat of hond. geluk was eetbaar als fruit of een bonbon. wat zou je kiezen als het bestond?
Ik zou niet kiezen als het kon. geluk is regen in een ton. of dun als lucht in een ballon. geluk is gratis als de zon. als ik dit lied een herbegon?
Bart Moeyaert
P.S.: That I added a poem by Bart Moeyaert is not random. He won about a week ago the Astrid Lindgren Memorial Award and that is fur sure grand and happy news! Sorry that I did not translated it but it only comes to full bloom in my mother tongue. I did not choose Vivaldi to go along with this post but rather for the music by Mari Samuelsen. Surely a violinist who can make me feel moved by music. Also music by the Italian artist Raf called Infinito and a walk next to a gigantic bridge. And as a bonus that one song about Europe that even won Eurosong. Yes, there was a time that you could win Eurovision with a song about an unified Europe. Ask Toto Cutugno he knows everything about that.. In 2006 he even did perform it live in Moscow...perhaps that was that one bridge too far?
HOPE…it is a very powerful word and I still consider it one of those words that can lift up my mood. Even if the weather is less Spring like and temperatures seem to linger around Wintermodus. That the final season GOT where the last 10 years Winter was announced is about to kick off and the cherry blossoms are all around seem a bit controversial but in a way it is dark and light in fragile symbiosis. Yes, I have become a great fan of the series and unexpectedly I will have the pleasure to even hear one of the actors (one of the few who survived the last 7 seasons) talk about one of my favorite subjects but that is something that I hope to get back to in my next blog entry. Spring is there and it will remain my all time favorite season. When magnolia trees show their pink-white outfits there suddenly is new force at work and when the grass suddenly finds back the urge to aim for the sky then I know that it is time for Vivaldi his music to being played a bit louder than normal.
I also then try desperately to find other signs that Spring is a catalyst for better times to arrive. The energy that I can find while staring at a bunch of tulips or the first chocolate eggs that I buy in my local supermarket and will hide till that particular Sunday have a similar effect on me. There is a lot to be amazed by when it comes down to the seasons but the effect this on has on me is beyond any mindfulness meditation or a day at the spa. That it is the same season in which my father said farewell to the living surely makes it very intense but he then also was the one who made me fall in love with the music of Vivaldi. Yeah, I danced on my ballet slippers over the landing while that record from the Deutche Grammophone was played one more by him. Outside our garden started to show its force and there was the perfume of freshly cut grass and the first invitations for weddings or holy communions arrived with the mail.
That nature can have such a major impact on my mental state I keep considering fascinating and also tells me that me moving to an island where there would be one season might not be such a good idea. One look at the sunset and the leftovers it still beams over our grass tells me that I am a girl for all seasons but for sure function best when spring is at work. My house might not reflect the effects of the mental spring cleaning but still ‘the force’ is at work within.
More than once I have told here that I momentarily I am bit in limbo when it comes down to the news digestion and how I perceive the world. That I write less when I am in a such state I do not consider a blessing but rather a curse but it is very hard to write about something that you just refuse more air time than it already gets. There are enough people out there who against all odds keep trying and pushing but these people might only do this in the margin and not always search for the limelight. We all know what happens to many of those who suddenly jump on stage with their story and then someone finds the dirt and starts to throw it around in abundance. Plenty of examples to be found. We all have a dark side and stories that we will not share that easily but still… if hope it needed to make the difference than I am very willingly to rather concentrate on what will create rather than destroy.
So yes that a few weeks Dominique Persoone, the Belgian chocolate wizard/rebel announced on his Instagram that he had exciting news for a joined venture with Virunga Park in Congo made me feel so hopeful. We are here talking about a national park in a country where my nation has got some bills to settle with. Mental bills…daily I am reminded by what happened ‘in de Kongo’. Do never assume that I did not read between the lines or not listened to what others have to say about what my nations caused there. Every single day that one building will remind of unfinished business and that there is a very thin line between hope and despair. The recent added sculptures that you will find at the outside of the building will tell you so much more than any educational video you will be shown during your visit.
That a Belgian by the name of Emmanuel de Mérode is now connected with the word hope is something that makes me ponder how much work you need to put into something that you strongly believe in. That you will have to make sacrifices that you will have to take many risks and stand up for those that can not use their voice and are less powerful than you. That the man of chocolate now joined up with the conservator of Virunga Park is perhaps a joined venture that also is very good marketing but I challenge you to read a bit up on who Emmanuel is and what he tries to do. This individual goes the distance. Yes, he is privileged and thanks to his pedigree he surely manages to get things done that most of us are unlikely to get done in five life times. But hey, since that he and the crew he put together (one of them is the charismatic pilot Anthony Caere) are now trying to preserve a very fragile part of our globe that we never ever should take for granted I am with them on the same page. Emmanuel does not beat around the bush when it comes down to his job. He is not romantic and does not add any sugar to make the medicine go down easier. But he made pledge on the flag of a nation he now works for and he takes that job very serious dead serious. That he looks for allies in order to find that spark of hope can make me feel hopeful as well.
Yes, the state in which the globe is very concerning and deserves perhaps an army of people such as Emmanuel de Mérode. Dominique Persoone admits that he was not prepared for what he has seen in Congo. It is not going to be easy mission that he now embarked on with and he hopes that it will work foremost for the people of Virunga. His skills and experience he hopes to pass on and let bloom in one of the most fragile national parks in the whole world. I am with him…after this planet is the only one that has got chocolate…. and imagine that this might now end up in that black hole we since this week know looks like! No way I wish it to head that way....
P.S.: I add this TED-talk that Emmanuel de Mérode gave in 2011. Surely worth to watch because it explains very well what the fragile line he constantly walks on but searches constantly for hope. And I added the fragile voice of Stacey Kent who sings one of the hallmark songs by Sting. 'Nothing comes of violence...must we forget how fragile we all are...'
Er zijn zo van die momenten dat ik echt zin heb om er eens echt goed tegenaan te gaan. Er zijn zo van die dagen dat ik echt zin heb om het achterste van mijn tong te laten zien. Er zijn zo van die gevallen waarbij ik me echt niet kan neerleggen. Dat ik nu al drie maanden lang zwijg op mijn blog hangt vooral samen dat ik iedere keer weer terug in mijn zwijgzame stulp kruip en daar dan probeer tot rust te komen. Probeer dan te zoeken naar de balans in mezelf en te rest te herleiden tot de essentie.
Een daad die me heel wat energie kost en ook kostbare energie. Daarom en alleen daarom heb ik het de afgelopen maanden laten afweten op deze plek. En geloof me dat het me zwaar valt om een keer niet gewoon er alles uit te smijten…..om gewoon een keer echt te zeggen wat ik van bepaalde dingen, actuele onderwerpen, mensen en uitspraken vind. Maar iedere keer wint weer dat ene gevoel dat bij mij echt nog steeds de bovenhand heeft. Iets waar ik niet altijd de vinger kan leggen en ook iets dat we mee kan sleuren naar de donkerste grotten van mijn bewustzijn. Dat ik me er weer iedere keer weet uit te slepen en niet toegeef dat is bijna een wonder te noemen.
Meer dan een keer de afgelopen weken heb ik me afgevraagd waar ik ergens me op het spectrum bevind? Of ik mezelf nog kan terugvinden in een groep van mensen met bepaalde eigenschappen en waarden? Dat ik in afgelopen vijf jaren meermaals heb mogen ervaren dat mensen het vooral hebben begrepen op extremen dat vind ik nog niet zo bijzonder maar toch… Het valt me zwaar om tot de vaststelling te komen dat ik mezelf stilaan niet meer overal thuis voel. Er zijn zelfs momenten dat ik heel bewust zwijg, mijn tong honderd keer omdraai, denkbeeldig met mijn hoofd duizend keer tegen een muur sta te bonken, duizend keer ‘internal curse’, zit te roepen in mijn wagen (een van de weinige plekken waar ik me misschien echt mezelf nog kan wezen en vooral als ik Mozart, Taylor Swift en Sting speel) en nog duizend en een kleine acties. Geen van deze zet ik daadwerkelijk om in actie en geloof me het val me heel zwaar want ik voel me stilaan een beetje geïsoleerd geraken in een wereld waar we vooral de taal van vervreemding spreken met elkaar.
Niet dat dit te verwonderen is. Ik omschrijf mezelf niet als zijnde een idioot en ik weet dat ik soms wel eens naïef ben als het op de mensheid neerkomt. Ja, ik heb mezelf een paar keer serieus bij de neus laten nemen en dag in, dag uit leef ik nu met de gevolgen hiervan. ‘It is what it is…’, is een van de vele tag-lines waar ik mee probeer een doorsnee dag door te geraken en dat zonder veel kleerscheuren of schrammetjes op mijn pantser dat ik rond mijn hard heb laten aanpassen. De meeste dagen lukt dit aardig maar het valt me wel een tikkeltje zwaarder dan 1 of 2 jaar geleden.
Er zijn dagen dat ik wandel door ruïnes en neen, het zijn niet die ik zo bewonderde toen ik voor het eerste de eeuwige stad Rome, Efeze of Pompeï bezocht. Neen, het zijn de overblijfselen van wat ik ooit dacht een stevig fundament te hebben en me kon aan vastgrijpen in tijden van vertwijfeling, nood, verdriet, wanhoop en pijn. Tot mijn grootste verbijstering loop ik nu rond in een verlaten stad waar nog nauwelijks muren van rechtop staan. Waar ik nog nauwelijks een lichtpunt kan vinden en waar er vooral nog schimmen van het verleden ronddwalen. Dante zijn Inferno komt heel dichtbij wanneer ik hier verkeer en Jeroen Bosch zijn schilderijen voelen eerder waarheidsgetrouw aan.
Ja,…. ik zit er een beetje door al het neerkomt op nog iets positiefs te vinden. Iets dat we er iedere dag door kan halen. En begin nu niet dat ik die kracht uit mezelf moet halen en vooral zelf actie moet ondernemen. Daarmee ben ik nooit gestopt maar meer en meer heb ik de neiging te geloven dat het gewoon niets meer uit zal halen. Niet dat ik opgeef maar ik voel me alleen omdat ik stilaan besef dat er iets aan het verdwijnen dat we zo nodig hebben om nog het verschil te kunnen maken voor de mensheid in het algemeen.
Meer dan ooit kom ik in dagdagelijks discours woordenschat tegen die het bewijs is dat mensen vooral ‘copy&paste’ toepassen en met hun woorden weten in te hakken op een ander. Stallie stoort zich daar mateloos aan omdat ik zo niet ben opgevoed omdat ik geleerd dat er gewoon zo veel meer steekt achter ieder verhaal dat ik in de krant of sociale media zie de revue passeren. Mijn vertrouwen ben ik al heel lang verloren in velen. Belofte maakt schuld is er eentje dat ik nu durf te herleiden tot liegen…en dat woord dat zindert veel langer na. Maar ik probeer wel steeds mijn woord te houden. En ik spreek geen pijnlijke woorden uit als ik de uitwerking er niet van kan inschatten. Niet dat ik niet probeer eerlijk te zijn en als ik dan al een keer uit mijn sloffen schiet dan zal ik me altijd proberen te kaderen zonder de personen in de ruimte te kort te schieten.
Maar rondom speelt een discours af dat mijn verbeelding tart en de gevolgen er van die lees ik al overal. Menslief u ziet uzelf enorm graag maar een ander iets gunnen of een plek geven om zichzelf te wezen en samen het middenveld proberen op te zoeken dat is niet meer bij. De impact hiervan is enorm en dat jaagt mij de schrik op het lijf.
Een van de plekken die een beetje weergeeft wat er nu gebeurd in mijn hoofd is NYC. Het is een stad waar ik meermaals ben geweest en waar ik tegenwoordig me ook niet meer 100% toerist waan. Het is de metropool bij uitstek waar zoveel werelden botsen met mekaar en naast mekaar leven zonder mekaar te lijken in de weg te lopen. En in het midden van deze drukke stad ligt een groen stukje land waar bomen groeien en je kan verloren lopen zonder hoogbouw tegen te komen Waar je op een bankje kan zitten naast een vreemde man of vrouw (of moet ik nu gender neutrale taal beginnen aan te nemen) zonder ook 1 woord te zeggen. Het is de plek waar de mensheid misschien wel al zijn maskers nog durft af te werpen maar hoopt dat niemand hem/haar ziet. Lokaal kan ik enkel aan het Zoniënwoud denken als het op zulke plekken neerkomt. In Central Park heb ik meermaals de essentie terug weten bovendrijven, wetende dat de kracht er
Stallie is wanhopig op zoek naar het middenveld dat ze zo broodnodig acht om de wereld te laten voort bestaan zonder aardverschuivingen. En laat me nu ook maar even dramatisch wezen want dat kunnen zo velen ook beter dan ooit. Uw boodschap komt stevig aan. U en anderen wordt gehoord en u krijgt heel veel ‘airtime’. Mensen drukken u meer dan ooit graag een microfoon onder de neus en journalisten belagen u meermaals per dag met een telefoontje of wensen u te strikken voor een interview waarin u dan de gal kan spugen die velen met u delen. Al de kommer en kwel die nu staat uitgesmeerd op sociale media en in de geschreven pers is een blauwdruk van al waar ik echt energie al verspil… het verstilt me en het kwetst me….raakt me en doet me eerder nederig worden.
Misschien ligt het dus aan mij dat ik me gewoon niet meer thuis voel op plekken waar ik me vroeger wel begrepen voelde. Nu word ik precies in het vergeethoekje geduwd omdat ik niet reageer of me geen houding weet te geven in bepaalde discussies. Mensen die me beter kennen weten dat ik echt wel heel uitgesproken meningen heb over heel veel dingen. Klimaatspijbelaars, Facebook, islamhaat, alt right, anti-vax, onderwijshervormingen, polarisering, fake news, Trump, immigratie, gele hesjes, Brexit…ja,Stallie heeft er een mening over. Maar ik zwijg tegenwoordig…. Ik ben in constant Don Draper modus omdat het momenteel de enige manier is waarop ik me mentaal weerbaar weet wezen zonder nog een muur te torpederen of een steunbalk naar beneden te halen. Not on my watch!
Sitting on the fence…eigenlijk zit ik daar graag en dat ik heb al meer dan een keer hier gezegd maar vroeger voelde ik me minder alleen op het hek. Stilaan lijkt dit hek eerder op een vluchtheuvel waar we maar even op adem mogen komen voordat de volgende woorden-storm en aanval komt aanwaaien. Het is bijna een wonder dat ik meer dan 3 dagen me in balans mag noemen. ‘I am under constant attack mentally!’.
Dat ik gekozen heb voor het onderwijs is een van de redenen waarom ik me nuttig voel in de maatschappij. En neen, geloof mij, ik lepel mijn leerlingen niet eender welke ideologie binnen zonder dat ze er eerst ruimte en tijd voor krijgen om er een openlijk gesprek te mogen met mekaar of met mij. Zo werkt het niet want zo werkt het buiten de schoolmuren ook niet.
Niet dat ik geloof dat het vroeger beter was maar er wel iets aan het werk dat de balans misschien veilig stelde. Ja, ik heb mijn ouders weten hevige discussie voeren met hun vrienden en kennissen en familie. Niet alleen op feestjes of recepties. Neen, voor mijn ouders maakte het deel uit van hun eigenheid. En dit wekelijks! Het ging er soms heftig aan toe maar op het einde van de avond of communie feest moest iedereen door dezelfde deur naar buiten kunnen en liefst met de arm om mekaars schouder. Werd er dan niet nagetrapt in de wagen naar huis of tijdens de afwas? Hoogstwaarschijnlijk wel, maar toch werd er nooit met het grof geschut op de ander geschoten.
Dat het middenveld aan het vervagen is, dat jaagt me schrik aan en ik voel me minder en minder nog begrepen. Het gevoel van onbehagen dat we vooral op sociale media kwijt kunnen en dat dan zo zijn ingang weet te vinden naar de rustige kanalen dat is stilaan alledaagse soep. Meermaals zit ik naast iemand aan tafel die iets zegt waarvan ik zo de oorspronkelijke bron van informatie kan identificeren. Maar ik mis diepgang en kan bijna geen kant meer uit als ik het gesprek zou willen aangaan. Meestal zwijg ik nu en dat maakt me heel ongelukkig.
Ooit heeft me iemand begroet met ‘Dag Caroline, De Morgen-lezer!’ en ik was zo verbouwereerd omdat ik plots me de impact kon inschatten van sociale media. Plots was ik in staat om iets aan het werk te zien waar ik echt geen controle meer over had tenzij dat deze persoon wat langer tijd met mij mee zou doorbrengen. Ja, ik lees deze krant en ik verdiep me vooral tijdens het weekend in de geschreven pers. Maar niet enkel en alleen die ene krant. Ik lees buitenlandse kranten en ook hier en daar een krant van het andere landsgedeelte. Neen, ik kan niet herleid worden tot 1 krant of 1 informatiekanaal. Dat weiger ik omdat het echt zo voorbij schiet aan de essentie.
Dat ik daarom nu al maanden hier zwijg is eigenlijk de uitkomst van al het geschreeuw, geroep, oeverloos gekibbel, geroddel en gebrek aan een opbouwend discours. Wees gerust sommigen van u zijn er wel in geslaagd maar jammergenoeg was het positive effect van deze heerlijke en diepgaande gesprekken eerder van korte duur.
Dat ik me nu in stilzwijgen heb gewikkeld is eerder een beschermingsmechanisme en omwille van ‘self-conservation’ maar ik maak me echt zorgen dat ik stilaan in de woestijn aan het rondlopen ben en straks geen enkele bank nog staat in Central Park en dat de wereld stilaan in een grote Grand Canyon veranderd. Mensen doen mekaar pijn met woorden die ze soms gratuite in het rond strooien. Misschien wordt het tijd maar een keer uit mijn schulp te komen en soms ook eens een wederwoord te formuleren….heeft een minuutje de tijd om met mij te wandelen door het park? I was told that It is a walk through the park in order to get it right.
