One bridge too far....Insieme?

When it happened I cried…it were rather silent tears but they were gigantic and they fell on the carpet in our bathroom that we normally use for spilled bathwater.  That there were numerous tiny wet spots showing up on the light blue fabric while outside the sun was shining made my stomach even go more into a twist.  I felt totally lost and a new black hole was about to be formed inside of me. Because it was a normal workday and I seriously detest coming too late I gathered all the broken pieces in a record time and swallowed the sadness down because life goes on no matter what.    

Ever since that specific day I do try to stay calm and move on.  Not that I have not shared my opinion with people about it, but it hurts in a spot where not that many people can follow me.  Is that then the elite sensation that many people voted against?  I am lost here…and totally flying blind.  Believe me I try very hard to understand why people want out of something that has not lived up to their expectations. Do not worry I get that for 200% but it remains mind-boggling what some people give me as their personal reason why they voted for Leave.  But believe me, I do understand.  You must have very good reasons to do. I get it...I do and please believe me...okay?

No, I don’t consider the EU as being perfect.  In my humble opinion are words such as 'excellence', 'perfection' and 'outstanding' rather an utopia that mankind reaches out for but never manages to get right 100%.  Politics are surely a minefield and most of us vote for 'change' when we are called to the poling station to cast our votes.  Over the last decade I have ended up having less and trust in politicians.  Hey, they all have their own private agenda and many of are addicted to power.  It is a drug and how would you feel that they would take away that one cup of tea or coffee you desperately need in order to function?

It will never be enough… I have figured that out by now.   The moment I am experiencing ultimate bliss might only last a split second and the next I am about to explode and very tempted to behead a follow citizen who thinks that he or she can ignore the traffic regulations.  There is this very thin line between happiness/satisfaction/joy/love and fury/sadness/disappointment/insanity/hate that pushes me forward but also can paralyze me.  It is like the perfect storm that suddenly shows up on the mental radar.  There might have been a few warnings beforehand but despite those you have decided to just dive into the abyss where darkness prevails.

That spring in combination with things such as Brexit can have such a deep impact on me is of course linked to my personal DNA. But still there are days that I do feel a bit out of control and this that the world was a bit less complicated and would be able to find the common ground that we all need in order to function a bit better than we momentarily seem.  Newspapers and social media are full of outspoken opinions why people are not happy and dissatisfied about how it is all going.  It is mind-boggling how many people scream out that they feel discriminated, wronged, hurt, angry, abandoned, cheated on, lied to,… I can go on and on with the list of less happy sounding words.

About 17 years ago I made a promise to a person who also was very good at expressing his very straight forward opinion about the world we live in.  He never added sugar to the medicine to make it down more easier.  That was not his style.  Yes, I sometimes do have imaginary conversations with him because it is perhaps the only way to keep myself in control.  To not slip… and to focus on what matters and what can help to make the day end with a smile. Also I have always listened very careful to advice that my parents, host parents, my other significant one, siblings, mentors, ballet teachers, coaches, friends, coworkers and even strangers  have given or still give me.  I breath those wise word in and then hope that they will make one day the difference.   And they do..still do.

Yes, I kept my promise and still do I go on and try to embrace life at the fullest knowing that it will not always bring 100% satisfaction.  Plus I strongly believe that are so much around to be grateful for that we sometimes consider normal.  Perhaps one thing that Brexit has taught me is that many things that we take for granted are not.  That we do have more in common and share than we ever imagined.  It does not take away the rather gloomy outlook I have about this whole political ‘soap’? Sorry for my choice of words but almost three years further down the line I start to feel a bit like it. Whatever the future will have in store one thing I do now for sure It will never ever be enough…there wil be one more thing we will have in common and that is that we all have lost something.  Something that one day seemed to be enough to feel a bit more unified.


I am trying more and more to bridge the differences I came across within and that seems not that straight forward.  Sometimes I do wonder if a walk over the Peace Bridge across the Foyle, Northern Ireland would do the trick?  There seem more and more be painful moments that it seems that we rather would like to destroy that bridge we have constructed over the last 50 years and only will hold up if we all put in some extra energy.  Now do not get me wrong…I do understand that for some of us the whole EU bureaucracy only has complicated their daily lives. There are even people who wonder what happened to their villages that once where so prosperous and where raiding a family was good.  Nostalgic stories and pictures are then the only proof that is left of a life once led.

Yes, I have already said 'sorry' when talking to people aboout this subject.  I feel sorry that it seemed not enough to hang in there, to take a risk and keep those values we share in a joined venture.  Personal I do wonder if we should have tried harder to make it clearer and less complicated.  Yeah, Stallie takes so many things personal.  Democracy is a nice sounding word and people seem less and less connected with politics.  Well, honestly I do thing that there are people out there that do have a hidden agenda when it comes down to Brexit.   Those people I do not know personal and they do not know me personal.  That is not going to change once that final signature is put under the divorce papers.  So yes, I am already sorry for that we are all going to have to wait longer when we wish to visit eachtother or having to pay more if we wish to taste our delicacies.  Sorry...sorry...so sorry...that is when you wish to leave and leave behind something that once seem to work but now has only defaults.

It seems that we might have went one bridge too far.  For those who know that movie with a four star cast (Sean Connery and Robert Redford in a less wrinkled state!) know the famous words by the English soldier Frederik Browning.  I guess that is for me the best way to momentarily deal mentaly with Brexit.  Having to say that the mission was not accomplished is surely not easy and does not call for a parade.  Politicians and lots of civil servants/bureacrats/diplomats/lobbyists and other EU staff are fully aware of that.  And that is the least I can say about the whole painful political chaos we are momentarily facing.


The future is unknown and Brexit demonstrates that so well.  There are circulating many other comparisons on social media in order to explain what is going on.  There is this one of using that you try to take something out of a baked cake. Impossible but hey there is now something called vegan cake? No?  Might work, no?  Sorry my fantasy is running away with me once more. Yes, I do not always tell out here what I truly think and feel because the last thing I wish to do is hurt people or give them the impression that I do not understand their feelings or opinions.  Believe me, I don't but I also have those and I do think that it is important that the EU works hard to uphold those values and keep us safe.   Lots of those safety, health and economic regulations are there for a reason and sorry if they might have created only disspleasure in your daily life..... do you get why I rather talk face to face to you about this?

Still, when it comes down to the EU I do have a very outspoken opinion.  I can be very passionate about it and it has changed my life in a very profound way.  In case you wonder how then just ask me. I will happily buy you cup of tea and a scone with cream or cupcake before sitting down for a long chat.  But promise me to bear with me and walk along with on that fragile bridge.  Not that I can make you any promises that you will be any wiser and understand me fully.   Sorry it doesn not work like that...building bridges is about tying to find ways to bridge differences and not withening the gap further. Sometimes that is a very time consuming and complicated process.

For the moment there does not seem to be a way that we can come to an agreement to end the relationship so that we can all move on in peace, foremost peace of mind.  And therefor we will have to put up with each other for a bit longer.  I don’t mind but it is not something that I did foresee that one day that I woke up and found out that the UK was going to file for the divorce.  My love for that nation is now so much interlinked with who I am and therefor even after our joined EU story comes to an end I do hope that there will be enough that will keep us connected.  That is what I hope for and that might be a hope in vain.  But I never ever have taken for granted what the EU has given me so far and that is not going to end the day that the UK leaves. 

That I then momentarily might have to look in very unexpected place for hope is perhaps the hardest challenge but the moments that I do find it are gigantic energy boosts. It can be in very tiny acts.  A text message of a friend living at the other end of the world, a picture of my niece J who now can walk in the colorful dress I bought her for Christmas, sharing chocolate and drinking a cup of George Clooney, walking by myself through Tervuren Park while the sunlight reflects in one of the ponds, a cupcake of Lilicup while you recall all the colorful memories you created with your special friend N, reading that about 600 page book by Ilja Leonard Pfeijffer (a very fitting book to read at this time in the whole Brexit saga), is getting lost in your capital and observing tourists that buy ‘tourist trap’ chocolate, is tasting yuzu sorbet at Gaston at Place Catherine, buying bright yellow tulips to brighten up your living room, mowing the lawn and smelling the perfume of freshly cut grass, waking up with the sound of a rooster who announces that the day is running already late and foremost being amazed by the pure power that nature exhibit all around….and that happiness you also create yourself but sometimes it just involves a bit of work or peace of mind. 

There is a lot going on in the world that is beyond my control and it is thanks to spring that I am fully aware that I do have so much to be grateful for….so ever since that one year spring is so much more meaningful and do I know that I am someone who for all seasons but for sure feel most connected to many things, people and the planet I love during SPRING .  And concerning Brexit we will have to see where it ends… To be continued I guess….with or without a scone?


Het Gelukslied

stel dat het bestond:
geluk in dozen of per pond.
geluk in potten, per dozijn in een karton;
gaf je er geld voor als het kon?

stel dat het bestond:
geluk kwam zomers uit de grond.
geluk was onkruid in een bak op het balkon.
liet je het groeien als het kon?

stel dat het bestond:
geluk, meteen al in je mond.
geluk als water uit een borrelende bron.
werd je dan dronken als het kon?

stel dat het bestond.
geluk in huis, als kat of hond.
geluk was eetbaar als fruit of een bonbon.
wat zou je kiezen als het bestond?

Ik zou niet kiezen als het kon.
geluk is regen in een ton.
of dun als lucht in een ballon.
geluk is gratis als de zon.
als ik dit lied een herbegon?

                                             Bart Moeyaert

P.S.: That I added a poem by Bart Moeyaert is not random. He won about a week ago the Astrid Lindgren Memorial Award and that is fur sure grand and happy news! Sorry that I did not translated it but it only comes to full bloom in my mother tongue.   I did not choose Vivaldi to go along with this post but rather for the music by Mari Samuelsen.  Surely a violinist who can make me feel moved by music.  Also music  by the Italian artist Raf called Infinito and a walk next to a  gigantic bridge.  And as a bonus that one song about Europe that even won Eurosong.  Yes, there was a time that you could win Eurovision with a song about an unified Europe.  Ask Toto Cutugno he knows everything about that..  In 2006 he even did perform it live in Moscow...perhaps that was that one bridge too far?

Fragile Hope

HOPE…it is a very powerful word and I still consider it one of those words that can lift up my mood.  Even if the weather is less Spring like and temperatures seem to linger around Wintermodus.  That the final season GOT where the last 10 years Winter was announced is about to kick off and the cherry blossoms are all around seem a bit controversial but in a way it is dark and light in fragile symbiosis.  Yes, I have become a great fan of the series and unexpectedly I will have the pleasure to even hear one of the actors (one of the few who survived the last 7 seasons) talk about one of my favorite subjects but that is something that I hope to get back to in my next blog entry.  Spring is there and it will remain my all time favorite season.  When magnolia trees show their pink-white outfits there suddenly is new force at work and when the grass suddenly finds back the urge to aim for the sky then I know that it is time for Vivaldi his music to being played a bit louder than normal. 

I also then try desperately to find other signs that Spring is a catalyst for better times to arrive.  The energy that I can find while staring at a bunch of tulips or the first chocolate eggs that I buy in my local supermarket and will hide till that particular Sunday have a similar effect on me.  There is a lot to be amazed by when it comes down to the seasons but the effect this on has on me is beyond any mindfulness meditation or a day at the spa.  That it is the same season in which my father said farewell to the living surely makes it very intense but he then also was the one who made me fall in love with the music of Vivaldi.  Yeah, I danced on my ballet slippers over the landing while that record from the Deutche Grammophone was played one more by him.  Outside our garden started to show its force and there was the perfume of freshly cut grass and the first invitations for weddings or holy communions arrived with the mail. 

That nature can have such a major impact on my mental state I keep considering fascinating and also tells me that me moving to an island where there would be one season might not be such a good idea. One look at the sunset and the leftovers it still beams over our grass tells me that I am a girl for all seasons but for sure function best when spring is at work.  My house might not reflect the effects of the mental spring cleaning but still ‘the force’ is at work within.

More than once I have told here that I momentarily I am bit in limbo when it comes down to the news digestion and how I perceive the world.  That I write less when I am in a such state I do not consider a blessing but rather a curse but it is very hard to write about something that you just refuse more air time than it already gets.  There are enough people out there who against all odds keep trying and pushing but these people might only do this in the margin and not always search for the limelight.  We all know what happens to many of those who suddenly jump on stage with their story and then someone finds the dirt and starts to throw it around in abundance. Plenty of examples to be found.  We all have a dark side and stories that we will not share that easily but still… if hope it needed to make the difference than I am very willingly to rather concentrate on what will create rather than destroy. 

So yes that a few weeks Dominique Persoone, the Belgian chocolate wizard/rebel announced on his Instagram that he had exciting news for a joined venture with Virunga Park in Congo  made me feel so hopeful.  We are here talking about a national park in a country where my nation has got some bills to settle with.  Mental bills…daily I am reminded by what happened ‘in de Kongo’. Do never assume that I did not read between the lines or not listened to what others have to say about what my nations caused there.  Every single day that one building will remind of unfinished business and that there is a very thin line between hope and despair.  The recent added sculptures that you will find at the outside of the building will tell you so much more than any educational video you will be shown during your visit.  

That a Belgian by the name of Emmanuel de Mérode is now connected with the word hope is something that makes me ponder how much work you need to put into something that you strongly believe in.  That you will have to make sacrifices that you will have to take many risks and stand up for those that can not use their voice and are less powerful than you.  That the man of chocolate now joined up with the conservator of Virunga Park is perhaps a joined venture that also is very good marketing but I challenge you to read a bit up on who Emmanuel is and what he tries to do.  This individual goes the distance. Yes, he is privileged and thanks to his pedigree he surely manages to get things done that most of us are unlikely to get done in five life times.  But hey, since that he and the crew he put together (one of them is the charismatic pilot Anthony Caere) are now trying to preserve a very fragile part of our globe that we never ever should take for granted I am with them on the same page.  Emmanuel does not beat around the bush when it comes down to his job.  He is not romantic and does not add any sugar to make the medicine go down easier. But he made pledge on the flag of a nation he now works for and he takes that job very serious dead serious.  That he looks for allies in order to find that spark of hope can make me feel hopeful as well.

Yes, the state in which the globe is very concerning and deserves perhaps an army of people such as Emmanuel de Mérode.  Dominique Persoone admits that he was not prepared for what he has seen in Congo.  It is not going to be easy mission that he now embarked on with and he hopes that it will work foremost for the people of Virunga.  His skills and experience he hopes to pass on and let bloom in one of the most fragile national parks in the whole world.  I am with him…after this planet is the only one that has got chocolate…. and imagine that this might now end up in that black hole we since this week know looks like!  No way I wish it to head that way....

P.S.: I add this TED-talk that Emmanuel de Mérode gave in 2011. Surely worth to watch because it explains very well what the fragile line he constantly walks on but searches constantly for hope.  And I added the fragile voice of Stacey Kent who sings one of the hallmark songs by Sting.  'Nothing comes of violence...must we forget how fragile we all are...'