The Burst Bubble...

 

So next week I will be back where I so much long for to be back at…at work…at school…on the campus of the educational hotspot. It is the place where I  can be the closest to who really I wish to be.  Yes, I am so excited to go back! Never ever have I been so happy for September to arrive on a calendar and this despite all the negative press that I have come across in newspapers and social media.

Yes, I am skinny dipping in the depressed zone of the jacuzzi and I am having a very hard time to stay afloat and putting things in perspective. The bubble did burst...and I am not talking about the social bubble that I am allowed to have! Nope it is the mental one.  I did try very hard to fight back but then one day it happened!  For a few weeks I even did not manage to get myself out of bed and staying awake more than a few hours and the only thing that I longed for was food.  So yip, when you see me back you will wonder what happened with me?  It is visible and no I am not proud of myself.  My body tells me what went on in my head and brain.  There is nothing I can and wish to use in my own defence but I guess that many of you just know me well enough know that at a certain point I just dive into the cookie tin. It is the only resort…

Nope, I am not the happy bunny that has made the most of her summer and the word bliss I have not been able to connect with most days. Especially August has been a struggle.  Big time…I have tried a few times to put on a brave smile and trying to stay afloat in the dark storm but one week into that month and I just could not jump out of the rollercoaster of dark emotions.  I did cry most of the time and I could this every where and I was only interested in food…nothing else.  Hardly could concentrate myself on my stack of books, the movies or TV series that I was binge watching on Netflix.  I stared into the darkness and I did also pushed myself further and further away from friends and family…. and that is new…and yes that is due to Covid-19.

I was  afraid and a big part of my still is?  Why? Well I am who I am.  The idea that many who I consider friends or people I have got things  in common with will judge me for my personal behaviour or opinions about the little bugger and will start questioning me.  Seriously, you should see me when I start planning a day. I have canceled all the fun out of my life and body contact.  I can hardly come up with justified reasons to go shopping, walking or visiting a museum or sorting out a restaurant booking.  Over the last few months I have hardly posted any pictures on Facebook or Twitter that could beam happiness or carelessness. No images of something that has brought me happiness and helped me to relax can be found out there. I just could not do it and every single time I rather other people their well being or opinions, that they already had been expressing very openly on social media or on the phone or even face to face, in my mind.  My covid-19 mantra of ‘Be kind’ just made me go mentally through the roof.

Do not now get me wrong… I do think that certain people have been behaving irresponsible but more and more I do wonder why certain people go totally over board on social media when they see people not wearing a mask or do not understand that people miss going shopping together.  I keep my grudges mostly to myself and I constantly question my own behaviour instead.  The things I go overboard about are more basic.  Believe me that what I see happening in our street when it comes down to the knowledge of the traffic rules filled me up with rage.  I even started to yell at people who did think they were living in the UK when using the biking lane/pedestrian walk.  It only got worse since COVID-19 arrived...believe me...I see it daily in front of me going on live!!!   COVID-19 is not an excuse to just kick overboard the basics or did I miss out on a certain public announcement!!!   Or the locals I see in action in a supermarket who wear all the high sophisticated PPE but then think that this gives them the right to put together their own box of strawberries and inspect them throughly while wearing surgical gloves!  EXCUSE ME!!!!???  I lost it at that moment…my world did not make any sense anymore...

And do not get me started on ignoring the arrows on a street or in a shop!  One day I even ended up being the only one who seemed to have figured out what they stood for.   So if many do not live by the basics why then plaster that one recent study on your social media wall or time line and vent your frustrations about the fact that people dare to fly to sunny distinations???    It beats me big time...it hits me right between the eyes and it still will then trigger my mind to question my own behaviour rather than yours.   Getting the picture what is going on with me? 

Those are the moments where it goes mentally wrong with me. I just don’t recognise people anymore…I have lost all the sense of direction. I am flying blind and I don’t know when I am allowed to breath freely and enjoy that one sunset I see when I do manage to put on my walking shoes. I desperately try not vent my outspoken emotions that I am filled up but within there is only rage, fear, sadness, loss and foremost GRIEF.  A feeling that I know so well.  I have been saying mentally farewell to so many things and even people that every day I am sinking deeper in the pool of darkness.  The tears that fall into my kitchen sink and mix with the soap that first has touched my hands are the evidence that I try to destroy desperateldy and hope nobody notices.


So it is me who has brought this to herself and I have not dared to call most of you to explain why I do not feel refreshed after 2 months being lesson planning free. No…I have been trying just to get through one day at the time without moaning to others. I have canceled everything that I had looked forward to and it made me feel very humble.  My home has been the only place I have been camping out at and always I do hope deep down inside that it would benefit something or somebody.   No last minute change of plans or meeting up with friends who always give me the needed energy boost and can inspire me.   The few ones I have managed to see this Summer had to convince me big time to get out of my house.  Yes, I will analyse everything before I can relax and this time I just hit many times the brick wall already in my own home. I did stay put and therefor it just made things worse…

I refused to go out for walks and I even did not manage to do the washing up in a decent manner.  When I called people I was always about to burst into tears and my skin was burning for human interaction.  Yes, I get it why we have to keep apart and why we just can not meet up in a closed spaces but from day one I had the long term picture in my mind where this is heading for and it is a rather dark gloomy world that I envision.  I cry because I miss quite a few people and even family that live abroad and can not easily jump on a plane in order to visit and vice versa. We have canceled so much and I can not even picture myself anymore that I will ever book an airplane ticket or board a train or metro.  It is like I am frozen and I do not see the end of the tunnel.

Once I was called optimistic and romantic…well believe me I am in a million of pieces at the moment and I can not keep up my brave composure for most of the time.  So if you run into me you will see that I gained a lot of weight and my hair might look as if a frying pan has been poured over it then please try to put it into perspective.  No, I am not proud of the way I look and I do not have one single excuse why this happened.  Believe me I don’t…it just happened…I was dragged into the dead alley and knew very well what would be awaiting me.  I know the symptoms and I know the signs.  I grabbed the key and closed myself into a room where nobody is allowed inside because I just do not wish to bother others with my despair and my less optimistic human nature.  After all we are all in this together... Well sorry but that is rather the essence of my personal mental crisis... I don't feel that connection anymore...I lost it...I feel pushed away and judged about many and the group of people is great and distinguished: politicians, scientists, experts, journalists, total strangers and even friends....

Oh yes and therefor I am so happy that my other significant one also noticed what was going on.  He knows me well and he even named the beast that was now lingering around in our castle.   There was a time he would have grabbed my shoulders and demanded me snap out of it. Well…I guess being over 19 years together makes you already a bit more wise.   He rather questioned me and wanted me to look into the ways that I did manage it the previous times.  In the midst of this whole global turmoil I found out more than ever that I do love him and I do feel blessed that I have him with me within this long term crisis situation.  

P still manages to make me LOL (more than ever…and at the most expected times) and he makes me focus on these things that matter.   He is a restless soul just like me and he loves his profession and is very down to earth.  Compared to me he is better equipped to face a pandemic of this kind due to the fact that he is not the social animal that I tend to be.   He is fully aware that I had to make ‘sacrifices’ in order to make this work and he is was the one who last week described my break to be not a successful one.  He is always been honest with me and even if it hurts big time.  More than ever I now start to appreciate that personaly trait he exposes even if the timing is not always so great. 

In February when I asked him about the risks of COVID-19 he replied me with no emotions what so ever ‘Yes, you can die of this…’.   For a moment I wanted to run away from him because he is the one who should give me comfort and protect me.  Yeah, deep down I am still the hopeless romantic!   But at the same time it then hit me big time right between the eyes.  My father was exactly the same…he never did hide the dark side in any story that involved heath, illness and death.   That dark cold and wet February evening I fell back in love in a dark street of our town with the man who tries very hard to look forward  in a global crisis without forsaking what he has been taught and preaches.   He is worried about patients who have gained weight since this all started is not a very promising side effect of this virus as well.  I am so grateful that he is with me within the s*** storm.  And some of you know that this not always has been the case but COVID-19 pushes a lot to surface...

So honestly, I have not been handling mentally this all very well and many days I am rather about to loose it.  There is a part inside of me who knows so well that this is rather temporary but there is so much polarisation and political turmoil going on that my mind just does not manage to calm down.  This lady is so happy to be heading back to campus and is realistic enough to face the fact that there are chances that there will be people getting ill and even catch the bugger.  After all I am not the naiev person...or at least that is what I believe.

It won’t be easy and there will be a lot of chaos to deal with besides the one we already face every year over and over again.   I am ready to face ‘the enemy’ and this also due to the fact that I feel very much supported by my many of my coworkers.  It won’t be an ordinary school year and there might be moments that we are going to be worried and that the rollercoaster ride will take us high but also very deep but at least I won’t out there on my own.  Yes, I will have to remain honest with myself and also put myself and my wellbeing at times first. This is not within my nature but this academic year is a total different ball game.  Being honest with myself for the sake of many will be for sure high up on my list of intentions for the new school year. 

But foremost I am very happy to have that one person with me that has over the last 6 months managed to keep me going and has given me the space to even go low.  I have not been the best sport to be around in the last few weeks but that he acknowledged that the summer break was rather s*** besides a few very tasty restaurant visits.  That he has not force me to pretend that all was milk and honey has surely helped.  I do expect some further bumby and stormy days and that I will need this shoulder to rest on and that he will come up with a quirky remark in order to pull me through an other windy and dark Autumn day but so far so good…and his honesty will make the difference and also a huge box of Dominique Persoone chocolates or a velvet cupcake will help.  Just in case you wonder how to get me back on track.

Now if you have seen the ending of the movie ‘The King’ where Henry V faces his bride to be Catharine of Vallois after he found out how things really went on behind his back you might understand what I am after.  If not this is a movie that reflects Shakespeare at his best and a must see with a great cast.  The last scene is iconic…even tough all the ones that are interested in Royal Houses know where Henry V ends up in the end but in this case the director has chosen to let the movie end differently. And how grateful I am for that.   Henry V his request is one of the most powerful ones in any union of any kind.   I got goosebumps when I saw Timothée Chalamet and Lily-Rose Melody Depp (yes, the daughter of the Disney pirate Johnny and the lovely French voice of Vanessa Paradis) standing opposite each other and looking each other.  All their fences went down and his request is one of the most sincere you can ask any person. 

Hereby I wish all teachers all over the world the very best for the coming academic year.  Remote teaching or face to face it all will demand a lot of persistence and patience.  No, you are not alone in all of this but please remain honest and kind to yourself! Some of you will start brand new professional adventures and others will have push themselves beyond in order to make it work for your whole family.  I wish every single of you all to have a few kindred spirits or beloved souls who hang out with you in whatever manner who will be able to keep you going strong together and believe that there is always a candle burning somewhere….

PS: In case you still have intention to watch ‘The King’ then this is a spoiler and you might not wish to see that scenes between Catherine and Henry V.   Yes, Shakespeare did play around with reality but we all do this once in a while.  But the central message he wished to send out was surely clear….that a woman once again tells a man to zoom out in order to see clearer in close up was at that time surely not the most obvious thing to do for a play wright.  Plus I have chosen three songs to go along with this entry that kind of reflect my ups and downs at the moment but foremost my love…for all of you and the things that I can not live without.  Pease be kind with each other…and yourself!

 

Burst Mental Bubble

It is a damn hot Summer in Belgium… and not only the weather is reaching tropical standards but also one look at our recent COVID-numbers is enough to start sweating and running a temperature.  Nope…Stallie is not a happy bunny.  Yes, I have been a bit more social over the last few weeks but every time I end up feeling guilty and wondering if this was the one bridge too far.   We are five months further since I did find out about a virus outbreak in China.  Five months further down a time line that seems never ever going to spit out enough positive news.  More than ever I am feeling the social impact of this tiny bugger that will not just leave easily.  It is a virus after all…they don’t leave…they remain…they slumber…they just go underground… (you see what is doing to my brain…sorry…)

No, I don’t understand people that even think it is a good idea to travel abroad and pretend the virus is not around or ‘dare’ to jump up and down in a night club in Italy on the beats of Charlotte de Witte.   I don’t see the thrill of these activities anymore because the mortgage you have taken on them is even higher than the one they might have taken on the sports car or the lovely high tech home they have or the study loan they still have got to pay…. But I try to remain kind and put everybody’s actions in the perspective they deserve. It is starting to become harder by the day but I keep trying very hard....

After all when the temperature is about 30 and you happen to live in a tiny apartment with three small children who desperately need some cooling down then I can get it why you decided to go to the seaside for the day.  That then our national railway did then run total loss in the evening and many ended up behaving like trapped wild is also no wonder.  It was to be expected…it is hard to witness but it is what it is.   Yes, I look with envy at what others are doing that I do not dare because at the moment I am dealing with COVID mental lockdown.  My brain refused to take me to places where it is sunny, breezy and the air smells of lavender and glasses are filled up with Aperol.  I don’t get my head around human behaviour anymore…including my own.

I hate to say it but I feel guilty about everything I do…and that includes going to see one of my closest friends D who battled COVID herself and is a nurse.  Seeing her back was emotional…one look at her made me feel out of place. There was nothing I could tell her that things would smooth out in the months to come.  She was enjoying her one week holiday in her garden where she spends most of her time trying to disconnect from the turmoil the virus brings along.  It is tough and she tries to raise four teenagers who also show a lot of resilience and the will to push further.  When she told me that she does not even dare to go to her favourite florist in the closest city made me feel guilty that I can pick up every week mine without having to worry to walk into that many people. 

She is predicting that her second week of leave of absence will be revoked due the high numbers.  Her opinion is that there are still too many people out there who do not take this serious enough and then she is talking about the basics.  Yes, there are people who take this bugger very serious and even tend to go overboard.  I myself am turning bit by bit more into a hypochondriac and have emptied my social calendar. Not that I had to delete a lot but apparently it was still too much.  For the moment I cry a lot and there are days that I hardly manage to see any silver lining in all of this.  It as if nothing helps anymore and that the bag of tricks is empty…

Nope…my summer break is not been relaxing so far and if I do not disconnect soon from the media and certain individuals who plant seeds in my head I will be heading to a place where I just do not wish to return to.  One leg is already resting in that particular zone and I do not wish to go deeper into that zone but this time it is very tempting and irresistible.  The tears are popping up before I can even take a deep breath and swallow them back down.

For now the numbers in my nation are only going to go up and nobody will be able to tell us when they will go back down for real and remain slumbering.    The word lockdown is mentioned more than once by leading experts and then I just go overboard.  I need a classroom…I need my profession in order to stay focused and sane.   Even if it means wearing a mask.  People that are telling that wearing them is annoying and that it takes away freedom I do try to understand but in my case it opened up a possibility. I seized that opportunity last June and nope it is was not easy but I and my colleagues managed to make it work for all involved  Especially when it was hot out side and there is no wind to cool down a classroom and you are not supposed to turn the ventilators due to the risk of spreading the little bugger around even more. 

Yes, I have managed to create a few nice memories and that I got to see my mother back and spend some quality time with her means the world to me.    At the moment she is the Alpha in our family.  She is the glue and believe me she rocks at it.   Yes, I call her when I just can not handle the stress anymore and she then tries to talk sense back into my turmoiled brain.  A brain she knows well.  That she even ordered especially a book called  ‘De gelukkige piekeraar’ by professor Bart Verkuil for me tells me what that she knows that at this point in my life I go full over drive and that they don’t see any positives at the moment.

Stallie has got even days that she tends to be aggressive and is about to nail a total stranger who thinks that the best spot for a mouth mask to hang out at is their chin when they are walking through a shop, waiting for the bus and come too close for my liking when I try to reach for mozzarella cheese in the the dairy section of my local supermarket.  Yes, I am scared and every single day I think I am about to die when the virus hits me between the eyes.

Experts and health care workers their opinions can have a very big impact on my thinking…they are leading me through the darkest storm I ever faced but there are moments they I just don’t understand them anymore. They used to make sense and most days their general messages still make sense but one little spark of their real thinking that they out in an interview is enough for me to go ballistic mental.  Plus the moment I calm down there is a now scientific report popping up.  Peer reviewed...not always but that is at this stage and due to the global impact something that many people do not consider that important to jump to conclusion or even leave space for debate or a 'healthy' discussion.  Polarisation beyond. 

Nope, mentally were are not guided through this.   Nope, engaging influencers to stimulate people to share more openly your contacts when contacted by a total strangers is not going to work.  And nope, that group of people that ‘we’ still not seem to reach in order to make it work for all of us you will not get on board by hanging up posters next to the street or recording a You Tube demonstration clip how to wear a mask properly.   It is not working…IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!  You need to come up with something else because at the moment the majority of the people that listen, read, follow up the advice and push the heavy and slow waggon are still the same number of people...and they are growing tired and some of them start to feel trapped and wonder when they will be allowed to do something that now is forbidden.  

It is not rocket science…it is realism and if you now wonder why it does not work then I might just walk out of the room and slam a few doors.  Really?  Come on…it is not hard to see why not… Yes, it is vital that all of you follow the safety instructions that are plastered around us everywhere and splash soap and alcohol gel all over our body. I can do that and my mouth masks are now a fashion accessory…keeping distance is hard at times but most of the time I can handle that.  I try to stay away from crowded places and I do sometimes even not buy that bag of tasty crisps that I longed for with my chilled rosé when there are too many people hanging around in the snack section that seem not to be able to make up their mind. I then move on…even with grumbling.  After all I already trying to deal with my added COVID-kilos. Also I managed not to kiss my other significant one for over 4 months.  Him being a doctor who comes constantly in contact with patients and having been on the COVID-ward made me do this.  Last week I kissed him when we were celebrating our 19th relationship anniversary while sitting outside in the darkness in our new garden furniture.  But believe I am still scared to come close to him....


When dealing with the virus in combination with my social calendar my tagline is ‘Not worth it…’ and I still try to stay home as much as possible.  Not that I don’t grant others a break…I do but at the moment I feel guilty when I even dare to do something fun related.  I can not put it in to the right perspective anymore and then I just freeze and just don’t know that is possible.  Even a walk in the woods seems now high risk and I don’t even mange to go out anymore to walk through deserted streets in my neighbourhood where most homes are deserted as well.

I am getting sick because of the vocabulary experts use…’Keep distance…stay home…be patient…persist…show resilience…’  WTF (pardon my French but for once I need to get it out of my system)  is the the best you can say to coach us through a pandemic?   Sorry..but I am becoming more and more tone deaf for the moment….sorry,  I just need to get this desperatedly out of my system.... IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO WHEN ADDRESSING THE NATION WHEN SHARING NUMBERS AND ADDING SOME FUSSY ADVICE?  ADVICE THAT IS AS OLD AS TALE…. GRRRRR.....  WHAT DO YOU THINK I (AND MILLIONS OF OTHER BELGIANS)  HAVE BEEN DOING THE LAST FOUR MONTHS???????  On what planet are you politicians and experts all hanging out?  There is a missing link and it seems that many of you have still no clue how to activate that system to go full on within a pandemic to make it work long term...LONG TERM...not living from one unpredictable wave to the next or always having to threat people with a full blown lockdown!


Now do not worry, I take it all still serious…I have no social calendar anymore and I do not have any intentions in the month or the year to come to travel abroad. I don’t dare to visit Antwerp or Brussels or even Leuven at this moment. I don’t dare to go swimming in a public pool or even going to a shop for the sales that started this week.   A bubble of five extra close social contacts?  Not for my liking.  I have given those five to my son and my husband what then means that my beloved mother in law is even more than ever linked to my life.  People who know me well know what effect that can have on me.   It is what it is…my in-laws live closer to me than my mother and siblings.  Plus using common sense then means that my sister in law and her husband and two children are automatically added up to that bubble. Because they visit her as well.  So just some quick math brings us then to 1+2+2 equals 5.   Three of these people I have not seen anymore since the 4th of March but they are in my bubble.   I don’t interact with them but they ‘are’ in my bubble!   I wonder how many people do that kind of math when they are trying to be honest about their close contacts?

I hit the wall and all I have left are restaurant visits with P&A.   Yes, tremble…I dare to go into a restaurant order my favourite drink from a menu activated by a  QR-code.  You might not dare to this and consider me crazy for doing this.  But I bet that most of you have dared to do something that might not considered COVID19 proof.  In my honest humble and not scientifice proven opinion is nothing COVID19 proof.   But those restaurant visits are the only thing that at the moment bring me some extra joy.  Not that my body weight agrees me but is it what it is.   I need food and good food and food prepared by great chefs that also have been going through a rough time.  We only go with the three of us and we don’t invite anyone along even not of our bubble.   We then sit down as a family and have a great time where I then can focus on what I do have and still can. 

Nope…I am not perfect and I will already haven taken some unnecessary risks or done something that someone close to me or who I know considers not okay.  I am not an idiot and I will not judge you because you did dare to get on a plane and have that one holiday that you were so longing for or even had been saving for since a few years.  No, I don’t think that you acted like a fool when you decided to book a spot on the beach of Ostend and fill up your picknick basket with drinks and home made sandwiches because you were after a cool breeze while the temperatures were hitting the roof and if you have been a daredevil to face the waiting lines of a fun park because you were after a thrill than I do grant you that.  

After all it is not something that will suddenly go away and we even have got experts who are using the word lockdown constantly to make us land back on our feet.  I get that but then they also need to understand presto that many of us just don’t see how it ever is going to work by basically washing our hands, keep our distance and pushing people away constantly and working from home.  The majority of the people (no, I don’t have numbers and I don’t have statistics I can throw at you to justify this statements, sorry…) will need some extra support from others to live safely in surroundings where we not have to constantly judge other’s their less common sense of behaviour , point the finger at others, search for justifications why we did think it was safe to attend a wedding service or travel abroad… I am who I am and you are who you are.   I have got different favourite things and people than you and my culture and opinions are different than yours. That has not changed since all the virus havoc that now is going on.  And it never will….sorry…that makes us human! 

But what do when then need along side of us following the regulations that our government is making us following for an indefinite time?  Well, in my humble opinion that is also not rocket science and has it been stated by many government officials and health care experts. It is that that part of a crisis strategy that also needs to work in order to make it a bit more work long term. And it is that part that we in our tiny surreal nation just do not seem to be able to make work efficiently.  Testing, tracing…..and smooth going communication between different levels of command???? Nope…it is not happening…It is failing…big time and all that we as mortals than are given as an excuse is that there are too many levels of command and issues that just make it harder to implement systems as such that are needed?  Really????  Are you kidding me!!!???? Is Belgium bit and bit more visible becoming the ‘EXCUUSTRUT’ that many already labelling her?  I refuse to believe this but more and more I start to doubt myself. 

Yes, I will keep on wearing my mask and I will wash my hands till they are completely red and not traveling abroad and even follow the not so popular advice of certain experts but I do think that it is now time for certain things to also start working as well efficiently so that we can make progress on all levels without forgetting completely about the virus… I pay my taxes and know damn well for what I do.  Gladly if it guarantees me having access to health care and I feel safe.  But unfortunately at this moment in time is all that I am giving to work with (that is what it feels like for the moment) in pandemic are a mouth mask, a soap dispenser and the advice to use my commons sense…!!!! The check list is out there and the elements our government needs to put in place and invest time, money and people and expertise into are still not ticked.  So….that is what I mentally face and I can just not relax as long that the numbers tell me that we can handle local out breaks and that we have got our testing capacity running wild. 

For the moment I am the one running wild and sorry in case I did burst your happy mental bubble….please do not take it personal.  Believe me,  I don’t take any of your behaviour personal but honestly I do hope you will not hold my choices against me.  I am trying very hard to remain kind and smile underneath my mask.   It is invisible underneath those preferable three layers of fabric but it is still there…but fading a bit more day by day….at least for now! 


PS: when having a good moment I still try to shake off my bad vibes in the kitchen by dancing on music.  These are two of them and one of them is a song that is featured in a very cool and summer-proof Netflix movie called the The Kissing Booth 2, a movie that I highly recommend in case you need to disconnect.  The other one is by Jessie Ware, a performer whose voice I start to like more and more.