Seurat versus Pollock

 

Total bliss…the last few days before going back I rather love to call exactly that.  These are the days that are filled up with something that I will be losing for in the weeks to come.   And then will be longing for that exact same feeling in the next 10 months.  The last few days before this summer holiday comes to a total stand still and hell breaks loose again I try to remain empty as much as possible.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am so sorry having to use the word hell but after being out there for over 20 years I still don’t get over the fact what September mentally does to me.  And I am quite sure that most of my fellow educators all across the world agree with me.  Every single year again it happens again and it honestly messes up everything.  

Now that sounds like an exaggeration but unfortunately it is not.  Not that I don’t have tried to kick off a new school year in the same mental state as when tying up the last few strings in June.  There have been years that I just refused to let that specific rather gloomy sensation being poured all over my body. Believe me, I tried but never got the expected result.

Before we are diving in deeper I can hear some of you say very loudly:’Hey Stallie, there are ways to get prepared and try to be ahead of the game.’  Yip, there are and most of them I have tried and some of them I still use.  But honestly not all of them work or at least not for me.  Over the last few years I have come to the realisation that the ninth month of the year is a deal breaker and that I have to expect the unexpected and that most of the time it will end up being rather a messy time. 

Please be so kind to bear with me.  Just don’t now run away and think that I am just a spoiled kid that comes moaning after having had over 8 weeks off to enjoy.  I get that…I totally get that.  Point taken and honestly it is thanks to these weeks that I am at the moment  able to throw out all those thoughts that won’t take me anywhere.  Clearing out my head is one of my best summer activities.  It took me a few years to get more aware of this process.  The thing is that once I became more aware of it the more I start to appreciate it even more.  And how would I then describe what goes on in my rather chaotic brain?

First I go through what I call rather 'the denial phase' where I sense that my body and my brain still seem to think that need to be in a state of being prepared for school. Tiny little thoughts creep in while I an enjoying those first days at home in a free spirit.  My office bag is still parked where it usually is during the year.  Plus on my phone there are still a few work related messages popping up that will tempt me to think that I am going back next week.  

Next there is a phase that I tempt to call ‘debriefing’.  For those that seem to have always easy going school years they might not even experience such a phase.  In a way I envy you but the older I get the more I am aware that this is perhaps once of the most valuable moments in my summer break. Within me there is a lot of organising going.  It seems as if I am unpacking my work brain and giving everything the mental status that it really deserves.  Yes, not only the good moments will pass by also the messy, sad, panicking, chaotic, upset, angry, disappointing ones.  The thing about this phase is that it is as if I can manage to let go and give every single moment the time and space it deserves. It is as if you take of your blind fold and can see very clearly.  It is a very forceful and energetic process and there are times that I just want to sit back and enjoy that feeling at the fullest.   

The only down side of it that my body then not always seems to keep up with my mind.  Sleep is then the one side effect that I rather seem to struggle with.  Yes, I will enjoy going very late to bed and dive into even deeper into that one great book that is part of my very well researched and contemplated summer read.   The night hours I seem to enjoy the most because I then come to my senses that I just needed a break.  Still, the moment I do fall asleep I have those nights that I dream very vividly of some of the less fun times of the previous year. One time I even got fired within one of these and waking up was finding out what reality was or not. 

Once they have both settles their dues I then enter the stage of walking on an bland and pristine canvas.  I then experience that there is nothing that can spook me or can unsettle me when it comes to work.  I then can look ahead without having to jump into a cramp.  I then feel that a certain peace within and honestly that is priceless.   Total emptiness within is feeling that you are ready to take back on the next challenge.  There is once again space opened up that grants you lean way within.  Total bliss and the best thing of it is that I did not even have to travel to Bora Bora (not that I did cross it of my travel bucket list) to obtain that state of mind.    Is it because I am getting older and that I now settle more easily into a certain routine or is the growing mental awareness that I make time for during my summer break.  Honestly I don’t have a clue but I do now that it are those first couple of weeks that my mind needs desperately in order to get an other canvas ready. 

Now if it there would all stop then we would be a very happy bunny.   But as we all know does time only move forward unless some of you have been offered the secret of time travelling. Once that Ferragosto shows up on the calendar the next phase is about to kick in.  One that I sometimes start to have certain doubts about.  The reasons for that are multiple and partly I do then find out that my lovely blank canvas that I was priming for a brand new and exciting school year then not turns out to be so straight forward.  

Inside of me I have pictured a carefully put together piece of art that resembles the work by the French artist George Seurat. The over all plan of my year ahead is that I will carefully brush every single colour on my canvas without having to loose the plot.  The art of pointillism is my cup of tea and I envision creating something similar to my all time favourite work by him called ‘Sunday on la Grande Jatte’.  It is a wonderful art work that so carefully is painted that it communicates order, system, planning ahead, structure, effective communication and all those elements that I strongly believe to get ready for successful school year. 

Within the last two weeks before the official start I then plant carefully my first brushes on the canvas without having to loose all the balance within. I know exactly where I want to plant my next stroke of red, violet or blue.  I have figured it out and I have got a waterproof plan.  I have got total control of my work of art.   The year ahead is very straight forward planned time and nothing is going to distract me or getting me derailed.  Not this time…after all this time out there I know what to expect.  Bring on these ten months of educational fun.  

That around that exact time time also my favourite Italian trattorias and restaurants reopen after their summer break is also helping me.  The excitement that this process all brings helps to settle for having to exchange my careless mornings and not having to face the morning rush. You fully realise that what you have signed up for years ago is still what you want.  You even saying out loud that your are ready to go back.  Back to reality and where all the educational fun takes place.  Huray for September! 

Unfortunately this is the shortest phase I get to experience.  Every single year again…over and over again the next phase arrives.  The one where you need to settle for a certain sensation that is a bit less fun.  Within one week I have to face a rather painful reality and by the time that I am heading back to my first real time lesson and have put into my planner my first meetings things have changed.  It is then that I have got to come to realisation that my blank canvas is already changed into something that reflects less an impressionistic art work. Instead I am rather staring at work that will lead to something that reflects the work of a more expressionistic artist.  My careful planted points of paint have been covered by ‘drippings’.  And I am not the one who has been throwning them on my canvas.  Others were so kind to pass by and leave their marks.  As I  am typing this I have already been  ‘disrupted’ at least once by a work related phonemail that has left a few big ‘drippings’ on my structured work.   So instead I am exchanging ‘my Seurat’ for an ‘our Jackson Pollock’. 

That I now try to come to terms with that reality is perhaps a bit of a less calm sensation but over the last few years I have come to realisation that Pollocks his paintings depict something that I do so long for.  A school year is after all a work of a team and this team consists of all very talented artists who wish to leave behind their imprint as well.  What we all have in common is that we are in the mood of some action that will result a piece of art that will depict our best work that we all can benefit of. 

  
Yes, Stallie does not look forward to the chaos and mess that ‘action painting’ brings along.  I am already telling the ones around me that I will be happy when the month October arrives. It sounds so ungrateful and a bit as if I can’t handle that first month back.  The thing is that I just need to get my head around those first outlines to make sure that I know where we all wish to head for.  The most messy period of the school year brings all those things that I rather despise and just can live without but they are part of the job description.   I just hope to get through the upcoming month  with not that many cuts and tears in my canvas.   I am fully aware that creating this work will involve also having to hold my breath, having to find back my balance, trying not always to speak up mind and more less straight forward sensation. A school year withholds the challenging sensation that I will now and then need to go with the flow and deal with whimsical wisps of art brushes that are not mine.   

No, Pollocks work is not exactly my cup of tea but once I take a closer look at the mental artwork that I have been producing together with others I do see so clearly what Pollock was after whe he said about his own work the following:’"I feel more comfortable on the floor. I feel closer, more part of the painting, because this way I can walk around it, work from all four sides and literally be in the painting.”

So…herby I already wish all my colleagues and fellow educators around the world  a lot of fun creating their own Pollock.  Believe me it is so much more fun to be within a piece of work than having to dissect of a distance.  Let it be the ten very colourful months that are filled up with action work produced by a very creative team.   So grab for your box of brushes and colours and get on dripping!  There is after still some empty walls to fill up in the most exciting museum of all: school!  

 

PS: I did not pick randomly Pollock and Seurat.  One of my favorite movies is 'Ferris Bueller's Day off'.  I still love that movie.  Not only because I ended up as a 19 year old one in that museum in Chigago staring at not only that Seurat painting and a Jackson Pollock one.  It is also a movie about growing up and having to face what you wish to see and how you see yourself.  Personally it is underated movie.  And yes it is also about skipping school...and let us face that we all must have felt that urge once in our lives to skip one day of school in order to do what we really wanted to do.  It is within these out of school trips that we do find something that helps us to refocus.   Freeing yourself is being able to get out those colours that define you and help to create that one piece of work that is a real reflection of yourself.

In the need of more speed...

 

 

Finally…I have been back to a movie theatre!  It took me a long time to dare to go back in due to a certain.  For a very long time I did not experienced the urge to fully commit to go and sit down in an other room in total darkness where there are no windows that you can open.  As so many amongst us I did started instead to stream movies by signing up to certain services who throw so many movies and series at you.  Binge watching found its way into my life;  

On top of that have I been having an extremely good time rediscovering a few of those things I have not been doing for rather a long time.  There are still a few ones that I still seem not to be ready for but that is okay.  The ones that I have done surely added some more spice to my existence.  That we were able to celebrate Christmas together was such a bonus to a year that kept me on my toes.  Still I did miss going to the movies…I did.  Okay the sound of slurping fizzy drink and popcorn eating noises I did not but it was all the other sensations that come along by going to see a movie on a big screen that I did lack.

When Tom Cruise had announced that Top Gun: Maverick was not going to be released for streaming I first was bit disappointed.  To be honest the d-word did not even cover what I felt.  Yes, I had been anticipating that release and I just couldn’t wait to get back into a high speed plane and finding out what had happened to Maverick and if he still was going strong with Charlie.   Hey…I was in desperately in for speed…  So yes, I admit I was one of those fans that just couldn’t wait to see what it would be like to see Maverick&co back in action.

Now I know what you are thinking…Stallie must have had the hots for Cruise as many of us did.  After all there was the infamous elevator ride she did even mention that one in one her previous entries.  Plus yes, I have seen most of the Cruise his movies.  I plead guilty on all those charges.  The thing with this specific movies is that I had something else going on with that just a man in a jumpsuit driving a motorcycle and driving a woman crazy while just wearing Aviators.  ‘It is complicated’-tagline coming up here…and you might not believe me anyway why I had rather the hots for something else when it came down to that movie.

The moment that Goose and Maverick got into their very fast planes and I saw the whole crew at work something inside of me was triggered.  It even started to before that.  The opening sequence of Top Gun is for me a winner.  Because it told me something about planes and how much teamwork is behind them to fly secure.  Oh yes, it was the cinematography of Tony Scot in combination of the music by Kenny Loggins and Berlin.  And Top Gun Anthem can still give me goosebumps for so many reasons.  

Top Gun was to me a movie mostly about the planes and about friendship.  Lots was written about the movie at the time.  Plus that the heat you could feel between Iceman and Maverick when they are getting from order the shower and walk around in a towel in the locker room is unmistakably one of the most testosterone loaded scenes I had come across.  Needless to say what the beach volleyball scene did with our hormones.  Let alone the song ‘Take my breath away’. But honesty I just loved the noise and the movement of the planes.  The take off on the flight carrier was for me one of the highlight and the touchdowns made me go in overdrive.

The thing is that I was a teenager at the time and that more than 3 decades later after the original so much has changed.  I got older and surely did all the cast members of that movie.  Deep down I was even expecting it to be not even close to be as good as the original one.  So that Tom Cruise was putting it off to release his latest creation was in a way a bit of bittersweet.  In a way it seemed the movie was buying time.   And with that tiny virus still causing global havoc I wondered if it ever was going to happen.…well…I finally did happen…and what a pa

Now about a month later I am still amazed by the movie.  Yes, because of a bunch of fit men in a jumpsuit, toothpaste smiles and the need for speed I went back into movie theatre. No, I did not buy any popcorn or fizzy drink.  The line at the check out was way too long and we were already running late.  Instead I tried hard to just focus on what was in front of me.  In an IMAX the screen takes up a lot of space and the Dolby surround just block anything else.  So that was easy peasy but what a ride this movie was…

What an action movie this turned out to be and how do all the puzzle pieces fit together.  Yes, there are a few comebacks and one is a particular one.  So many ‘easter eggs’ are thrown in there that your basket will be filled up to the brim.  Remember Carole Bradshaw alias Mrs Goose (Meg Ryan her character)? She was the one who hugged Pete Mitchell and a few seconds later said:"He told me all about the time you went ballistic with Penny Benjamin.”  Well, ever wondered what the admiral’s daughter must have looked like?  Patience pays off because in this movie you see why she was worth a fly over.  I had my doubts about her taking the place of Charlie but then the signs were there.  Pete Mitchell was not going to settle down easily and neither was the ambitious lady.   And then there was Iceman.  Val Kilmer his character was taking up so much place in the first movie that you wondered if he would ever share a box of Magnum ice creams with anyone.  Well, I am not going to give too much away but the reunion of Pete and the man who once ran around with bleached hair tips through a locker room wearing only a white towel is one of the highlights of the movie.

But foremost this is an action movie in which once again the planes get a lot to say.  The opening sequence gave me goosebumps.  That over thirty years later so much has changed is something that you can see in the way they filmed everything.  Everything is on the edge…and when these young pilots take off and wonder if their old teacher can even teach them a few things about flying you do know you are in for a treat.

So yes…I LOVED THE MOVIE!  It was as good as a big box of macarons by Ladurée or a chilled bottle of Veuve Cliquot. There is a lot of nostalgic involved but Tom Cruise&co managed to wrap it all up in one gigantic box that is filled with all the good stuff. Stuff that blockbusters are made off.  Tony Scott passed sadly away some ten years ago and this movie was even put to an hold due to it.  Still, I am pretty sure that he would have approved of what Joe Kosinski has done with his characters and planes.  Sequels turn out to be rather disappointing but this one is just a league on its own.  After all when Tony Scott made Tom and Vil get into a F14 was he even wondering what the legacy would be of that movie?  In case you are still in doubt about going to see the next generation of pilots who are aiming high? Don’t…you will have a thrilling flight on board…you are in the safe hands of Kosinski&Co.  Oh and one one more thing ladies and gentlemen, please go easy on Bob…the guy is a keeper.

Macaroons & Austen...what a delightful combo!?

 

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”  I bet some of you now already know what this entry is going to be about.  The iconic Jane Austen words do reflect very well the area in which she has written them.  There are so many out there that still go into a certain overdrive when the next Austen adaptation for the TV-screen is announced.

Mentioned here in a previous life is that I adore Jane Austen her work and that I still will devour work that is inspired by hers.  There is a whole literature out there that is based on her works.  And directors have even dared to take on her last work ‘Sanditon’.  This is an unfinished novel that is about a coastal town where a group of people try to find their place in society.  Daring to say the least.  And when the second season was announced I did have a my reservations.  It is one thing to go after a story that has a beginning but not an end.    Still season 2 turned out quite a romantic escape from everyday headlines.   Die hard fans cannot wait for season 3 to come on and see if a certain stubborn man to finally give in to his real feelings.

So when Netflix announced that they were taking on ‘Persuasion’ again I was very thrilled.  It is not my all favourite of the books she has written but any Jane Austen adaptation can get me in a happy place.  Plus that there is within this specific novel a certain rawness that can at times feel a bit as if you are lost within the waves that crush against the pier of Lyme Regis.  It is in this work that I did wonder what it would feel like to end up as a spinster.  The main character Anne seemed  to be rahter  cursed if it came down  to find a love interest.  It was as if Anne was forced to remain the one who always to have to settle for playing the second violin or even be ignored entirely.  

The greyness that Austen managed to embed within her words made me rather thread becoming also a single woman.  Not that she had not given Anne enough backbone to remain her true self.  Overcoming sadness and cosmic loss with so much dignity that you just had to feel impressed by this young regency girl.   The complexity of this work is is mind-blowing and there is a lot to be said about how two lost souls try to find common ground.  They walk in and out of each other their life and seem never ti find the right tone.  The biggest opponents are the back ground noise of many characters that seem to rather prefer to keep the show to go.

‘Everything for the sake of money and the title.’, could be a tageline of many characters who Jane Austen let run wild in every single of her works.  It is back ground noise that lifts up the ones that go agains the stream.  Still it is never without risks to turn something that has go so many fans into something that easily be told be ‘a total disgrace’.  Jane Austen is considered a league of her own.  She has ben given the privilege to take the place of HMQ Elisabeth on a ten pound note.  Tells you enough about the cultural impact of an author who in my humble opinion will remain an enigma.  

That Dakota Johnson who dared to put on the walking shoes of Anne and face an angry mob I dare to call admirable.   As said before many times I will always give lots of things and people the benefit of the doubt.  This time it was very hard to do so due to the fact that social media was all over this Netflix production.  Many even said bluntly that according to their humble opinion this is worst ever adaptation of a very beloved novel.  Some very people will be very disappointed…one can never please everyone.  Just this time overall are the Janeites very openly dismayed by what the director and scriptwriters have done with the character.  

After having seen the result myself I have got mixed feelings.  The awaited doom and disgust did not overwhelm me and there were moments that I just had a real good time with this Anne and her slightly derailed family.  Not that I don’t get what many fans left behind in comment sections.  There is a lack of a certain sentiment that is very much alive and kicking in Jane Austen her original words.  Words that are more evoked in depth in the various other adaptations.

I do get it that if someone who sees this might not feel the same sentiments then hose who are very much acquainted with Austen her literature.  Persuasion is a work that breaths certain sentiments that can only be described as gloom, despair, sadness, hopelessness and even depression.  Anne seems to be on the way to eternal spinsterhood and nobody seems to be able to connect with her.  The love she has once found has been abruptly been taken away from her due to her family.  These are very strong emotions and many authors do not manage to get these across in a way that you as a reader feel connected with them.

Personally I have always wondered why Captain Wentworth so easily had given up on Anne.  Fair enough that he must have felt not up against the sentiments of the Elliot family.  Regency times marriage was for most families a financial transaction.  And a naval officer was surely  not a wealthy prospective for many families who wished to keep up their standing.   Many naval officers ended up buried at sea and did not come along with an appealing annual income.  One single look at the numbers and that was it.  But still…  

Anyway the author is in charge of the story line and must have had damn good reasons to let her two main characters suffer through so much despair and heartfelt sadness.   It are also these sentiments that by many readers considered the ones that make the reading of this novel superb.   Honestly nowadays in many YA books are also these the ones that make a book stand out.  The second book of the Twilight book is mostly a book about a depressed teenager who cannot get over her first love and another (eternal) twenty something who decides that he wished to make an end to his eternal life due to unrequited love and the prospect of never finding the perfect partner as his parents and siblings did.  You are getting the picture here, I hope.  

Now these sentiments are hard to find within this movie.  Instead we are served rather a dish filled up with some newly adopted dialogues and a rather twisted storyline.  In the comments that I have been ploughing through the movie is rather considered a fail and lacking anything that the book is after.  Many consider Persuasion as Jane Austen her finest work and love the book ardently.  And nope, this movie-adaptation is not to their liking.  Many wonder if this one is not one bridge too far.  

Honestly..I liked the movie…I did.  Especially one certain actress just stood out and it was not Dakota but an actress by the name of Mia McKenna Bruce.  She plays the over dramatic sister of Anne, Mary Elliot, and will more than once make you wonder if you ever have been a drama queen in your life.  She is for me the winner of this one…and also the confectionary shop where Anne walks for the millionth time back into her former love interest.  So get a box of the best macaroons or perhaps a nice bottle of rosé and enjoy what Carrie Cracknell created.  Nope, it is not close to what Jane did intend but there is a lot within this one that is worthy a gaze or two.  Oh and one more thing…there is this music by Birdy…you will surely wish to hear what she has to sing when it comes down to two star crossed lovers, don’t you?


PS: I choose two Laura Pausini songs to go along with this one.  The first one is the perhaps the one song that we can call her break through one and the other one is her most recent one.  Just to give you an idea what time does…Laura Pausini is so aware of that one sensation that Anne and William had to endure for over 8 years.  The second song is about a box in which we store memories of a life time.  This song goes along with a must see documentary about Laura Pausini her life that you can find out on one of the major streaming services…even daring to call it a good alternative if the above movie is not your cup of tea and you are rather after a glass of Prosecco.  

 

 

 

 

Have courage and be kind!

 

There is this nice banner hanging on my message board that says  ‘Have courage and be kind'.  I had put there since I returned to school since the first wave in order to remain positive when the numbers would go back and I would be loosing it. There are days that I just had it with so many people, tiny little details that just complicate my life and that I do wonder when I will feel it again that sensation that I am in balance.  I just have been trying to just deal with my work and trying to keep everybody safe and not just myself.   One day I even decided that I was not going to moan anymore on social media anymore or express my opinion about certain issues or other people their opinion they had been expressing in the media.  I went silent...but the backlash of it is now nagging within big time! 

 Finally I  decided that I might need to do something that might take some courage…it might not seem such a big of a deal to most of you.  Still, believe me it something that has been weighing on me for months.  And because today two people who know me very well did question my behaviour and that made me suddenly focus on what matters the most and what and who deserves my attention I decided that I had to just return to what drives me.  The writing Stallie is the one that has given me a certain force that I now not can find anywhere else.  It even seems to be a driving force!

Yes, the last two years have left scars and some of them are running very deep.  There are even wounds that still are open and the blood is still running out of them.  I am not that hard to understand…I can be an open book.  The thing is that in the last 10 months I have been hitting my brakes over and over in the hope that it would bring me something.   I have been holding back and over the last 24 months hardly managed to find the courage to post something out here.  On social media in general I started to adjust my behaviour big time. I even did quit mentioning the rather polarisation inspiring topics and believe with the day the number of these are growing.  Stallie did decide that she was going to remain kind on social media.   But the issue is that many of the people who I miss are on social media and when I try to call some of them they seem to be in a hurry or I only get to talk to their answering machine.

The introspective silence that I have been practising out here has surely brought me something but not what I was after.  Nope, in despite of hoping that it would all calm down and that time would bring back some of the force that I have lost. Honestly I have lost quite a lot of friends over the last 2 years or that is at least my assumption.  One scroll through my contact list tells me the facts that I already had been overthinking.  I have lost a lot more than just being out of touch with my social life.  Hanging out at the bar after school on Friday, having last minutes meet up with former colleagues or friends, travelling to meet up with old classmates or friends over all the world, hugging my nieces and nephews,  going to see my mother once in a while, keeping in touch with people at the other end of the globe, getting lost in a city when travelling on my own and making contacts with locals,  checking in with former study mates,  attending milestones such as weddings, anniversaries or birthday parties….I could keep on going for hours.  I still live with my brakelights on and I still don’t seem to be able to enjoy social moments as much as I used to. Plus I don't seem to find that many people to do it with either...my social circle is almost down to a few people. 

Yes, this there are certain reasons why I still have not got back in my spontaneous social happy bunny status and it is starting to become rather hard.  Even when I try I seem to feel less anxious and at the same time I feel so lonely and left out of the fun.  My life is boring and all the weeks are the same.  Highlights is creating new lessons, cleaning our home, doing the groceries,  the hairdresser and beautician appointment on regular intervals, and once in a while going out for a very nice meal with P and A.  Every time when restrictions were loosened I never had this ‘hurray’-sensation.  My phone line remained as silent as the day that we went in total lockdown.  Not that I have not tried but it is now two years further down the pandemic timeline that I get a better overview of what I might have lost. 

 
In some cases I might have been the catalyst and some people might have just lost interest in me or might consider me not that nicest company anymore to hang out with.   I wish to say sorry to those who had to deal with the moaning, sour, rather unpleasant, hurt, angry and feeling lonely Stallie.   The Stallie that you have been meeting up seemed rahter the less fun and social and positive kind.   Honestly I get you…things have changed and many people have been dealing with different situations and in some cases might have lost a loved one.  So far I have been blessed that all my close family members are okay.   Not all of us had the luxury to be able to stay safe and healthy over a long period of time within that a virus seems to get even more playtime.   

A few weeks ago a  colleague of mine passed away and it is still very tough thing to deal with.  Just about a week before she died I was given a belated birthday card and a very nice birthday gift by her.  Not that she had been able to give it to me in person because she was dealing with cancer in a very tough stadium.  The thing with the gift was that the two things she had decided to gift me told me that she knew me very well.  The moment that I unwrapped me I felt a very deep connection with her.   Before I knew I was in tears. On the card she had written a very sincere message and she also expressed her wish to see me soon once she was on the mend of this rocky phase.  

Well, we never got to meet up again!  A week later we were told at work that she had passed away and it hit me right in the heart.  I wasn’t the only one in that assembly hall who just ended up with wet tissues.  Emotions filled up that big space.  This exceptional kind person and one of a kind teacher leaves a big hole within our learning community.  It is only now when looking back that I totally understand what she has been doing with so much grace and sincerity and kindness and especially in the most challening of times: globally but also personaly.   Of all people who had tons of reasons to give up and perhaps even tell others that meeting up and staying in touch was out of the question due to her rather fragile health she was the one who had been taking care of us to stay in touch also after school.  She used very explicitely words such as a 'friend', 'kind' and 'missing you' in her communication.  No, there was no drama involved because she mastered something that I seem to have lost big time and that is being spontaneous, social, fun and outgoing. I blew up the bridge that she kept restoring over and over again! 

The conversations I had with her have been priceless conversations.   Memorable ones that have always left an imprint on my heart.  Walking into her classroom with rather gloomy thoughs would let you leave it with an effortless smile.   Short check in with her most of the time ended up in a very lovely conversation about so many things.  It was as if the was able to brush off the rough borders and make you focus what can make a difference.  C was that ray of light that was still shining when you were walking over at the dark side and wondered if the storm would ever end.   Opening up to her was so easy and when she would give you advice she would always do this in a very kind manner.  Never ever she forced something upon you but she made you feel included and she never ever quit doing this even since the pandemic started and she got worse healthwise. 

The memories I have created with her at my side or when she was close by will now mean even more.  
Surely the carpe diem thought will come to mind when you read this but you know what, it did not feel that way.   The positivity that she tried to send out even when she suddenly was not able to come to work was very hard to ignore.   It was as if she was still with us and very strongly wanted to make sure that we would not forget what we can do together besides spending time in a classroom and trying to keep every single one of us  COVID-safe.  Yes, we had to cancel at times meeting up because I had a runny nose or that I did think that it might not be such a good idea to be in the same space with her.   The better safe than being sorry-tagline was something that I have been applying over and over again when deciding if it was okay for me to meet up with people or going places.  

Not that all has been gloomy because there have been great moments since the whole pandemic broke loose.  The most incredible thing about some of these moments is that it was our friend C who would come up with an other idea to do something that took a bit of an extra effort but at the same time you knew that you would build memories.   It was as if she was so safeguarding a certain very valuable sensation that gives you an extra energy boost.    

Staring at that above mentioned banner is now also thinking more and more about what she has been trying to hard to do for us but even more importantly together with us.  Kind and brave…every single step of the way… but it is hard and I might already lost a bit more than I ever bargained for.

Yes, I have lost friends over the last two years.  A few I must have disappointed and some of them must have decided that I just do not fit within their way of life or that we don’t have enough in common what connects us.   I get it…do not worry we live in very challenging times and it will even get a bit more complicated.  In case you wonder I miss every single one of you but the the thing is that I don’t know anymore how to connect those dots.  I even have been sometimes the one who might have caused you do be a bit taken a back by what I said.  

My mental disposition is not the one fo the Daila Lama. I had the honour a few years ago to be in the same space with him and what I will never forget is that even if you ask him for answers he might still hand back the question to you.  He more than once said that many things are a lot easier than we think.   Questioned then that this is all very hard when you have to deal with loss, grief, pain, unfairness and other painful sensations life can throw at you is rather natural.   But in case you hope to find a magic spell behind being in balance you will be very dissappointed.   The force you are after is is within you and you need to be prepared to let it come out.   Plus it takes effort.

That I over the last 24 months given up on so many things is not that unnatural but quitting writing is the one thing that unleashes a certain anger and sadness that I can just ignore longer.  The being kind thing on paper just does not work anymore. Plus that I know that when I will hold back over and over that one day it will backfire  Yes, within the process I have been keeping so many people their opinions close to my heart but I do wonder sometimes what goes on in the minds of some of you when you throw certain opinions and ideas on social media or make little references to things that at the moment are going out in the world.    We don't take the time anymore to have in depth conversations face to face.  

The negative forces were just to overwhelming and I was so scared to even break into more pieces or just hit the nerves of the few people that I still can call close friends.  Not that I did not have tried more than once to start again but every single time I have deleted my entries.  The ones that I have written and you can read out here are low in number.  And in most cases they are polished versions.  

More than ever I experience that being open and honest to people can cause friction.  Not that I am without a flaw and I tend to be rather blunt.  The morning mood I can carry around is as if I have put on a Dart Vather costume and using my light saber in a very unortodox manner.    On top of that I have been quit calling quite a few people  because Ihat I might hurt certain people and then wish to let them in peace. But it hurts and cuts very deep.  

My own fault you might now say...well fair enough but in my rather humble opinion friendship does not work like that.  I have had enough examples around me that told me that you can be upset and angry at friends or express oppossite opinions and might not even agree with them on certain issues and still be close friends.  Friends come in different kind and shapes.   Being in a fierce storm with a real friend can create stronger bounds...at least that was what I did think...since COVID I seem to have overestimated that kind of force.

 More than once I have been deleting words because I have always been overthinking them.  I even more than once decided not to be courageous because I did not wish to hurt someone but at the same time I felt hurt within.  Plus that some of the people do not have even been in touch with me and yes, I do share the opinion that it cuts from both sides. I know that you do not wish to rub the end of the affair into my face but some of you have also decided that some things have changed when it come down to our friendship and the without communicating.  The radio silence is deafening.  It cuts deep and I have more than once wondered if I was the once who caused the final crack.  Fair enough!  But it does not feel fair...nope...sorry!

That I now come to the painful conclusion that I might have blown up some bridges over the last few years is very hard to digest.   I have said it here out before that I am still the same…I can still be very outgoing and social and be the friend that you are after.   The thing is that many of you have been kind of communicating and some of you have been very direct with me that there was something that just made it hard to do so.  I have left you alone and even stopped calling you and I even seem to have forgotten to change addresses and sending cards and gifts to wrong addresses. Sorry about that...sincerly sorry about that. 

Yes, I totally admit here now and then that  have been letting people down but honestly so did some of you.  Do not worry I don’t hold a grunge against you…life is what it is…but the holes you left behind I can not just ignore.  The box that I have been filling up with memories of the good times I had with people I love and care deeply about is a full one but lately it is containing a rather nostalgic smell and hardly any social and friendship related ones get thrown into the box.  The ones that got added to the box are the ones that C helped to create and some great other staff I have the honor to work with..  So more of being kind and courageous might than help to restore some things that went sour over time.  But as things stand now I first need to find back that power that C so strongly tried to send out and shared with us.  It is out there but in case you dare to pick up the phone and first get in touch with me do not hold back.... 

At this point I alo with to show my gratitude to C who I will never ever forget...we at school have already made some pledges within us that you showed the way.  It is still very hard to grasp the reality that you will never walk back into a building that you filled up with all those things that I have a harder time to create myself....thank you for those times...magical times!   Not that life always ends up being that fairytale you after but the magic you spread out was so real!! Magic that became real!