Total bliss…the last few days before going back I rather love to call exactly that. These are the days that are filled up with something that I will be losing for in the weeks to come. And then will be longing for that exact same feeling in the next 10 months. The last few days before this summer holiday comes to a total stand still and hell breaks loose again I try to remain empty as much as possible. Now don't get me wrong. I am so sorry having to use the word hell but after being out there for over 20 years I still don’t get over the fact what September mentally does to me. And I am quite sure that most of my fellow educators all across the world agree with me. Every single year again it happens again and it honestly messes up everything.
Now that sounds like an exaggeration but unfortunately it is not. Not that I don’t have tried to kick off a new school year in the same mental state as when tying up the last few strings in June. There have been years that I just refused to let that specific rather gloomy sensation being poured all over my body. Believe me, I tried but never got the expected result.
Before we are diving in deeper I can hear some of you say very loudly:’Hey Stallie, there are ways to get prepared and try to be ahead of the game.’ Yip, there are and most of them I have tried and some of them I still use. But honestly not all of them work or at least not for me. Over the last few years I have come to the realisation that the ninth month of the year is a deal breaker and that I have to expect the unexpected and that most of the time it will end up being rather a messy time.
Please be so kind to bear with me. Just don’t now run away and think that I am just a spoiled kid that comes moaning after having had over 8 weeks off to enjoy. I get that…I totally get that. Point taken and honestly it is thanks to these weeks that I am at the moment able to throw out all those thoughts that won’t take me anywhere. Clearing out my head is one of my best summer activities. It took me a few years to get more aware of this process. The thing is that once I became more aware of it the more I start to appreciate it even more. And how would I then describe what goes on in my rather chaotic brain?
First I go through what I call rather 'the denial phase' where I sense that my body and my brain still seem to think that need to be in a state of being prepared for school. Tiny little thoughts creep in while I an enjoying those first days at home in a free spirit. My office bag is still parked where it usually is during the year. Plus on my phone there are still a few work related messages popping up that will tempt me to think that I am going back next week.
Next there is a phase that I tempt to call ‘debriefing’. For those that seem to have always easy going school years they might not even experience such a phase. In a way I envy you but the older I get the more I am aware that this is perhaps once of the most valuable moments in my summer break. Within me there is a lot of organising going. It seems as if I am unpacking my work brain and giving everything the mental status that it really deserves. Yes, not only the good moments will pass by also the messy, sad, panicking, chaotic, upset, angry, disappointing ones. The thing about this phase is that it is as if I can manage to let go and give every single moment the time and space it deserves. It is as if you take of your blind fold and can see very clearly. It is a very forceful and energetic process and there are times that I just want to sit back and enjoy that feeling at the fullest.
The only down side of it that my body then not always seems to keep up with my mind. Sleep is then the one side effect that I rather seem to struggle with. Yes, I will enjoy going very late to bed and dive into even deeper into that one great book that is part of my very well researched and contemplated summer read. The night hours I seem to enjoy the most because I then come to my senses that I just needed a break. Still, the moment I do fall asleep I have those nights that I dream very vividly of some of the less fun times of the previous year. One time I even got fired within one of these and waking up was finding out what reality was or not.
Once they have both settles their dues I then enter the stage of walking on an bland and pristine canvas. I then experience that there is nothing that can spook me or can unsettle me when it comes to work. I then can look ahead without having to jump into a cramp. I then feel that a certain peace within and honestly that is priceless. Total emptiness within is feeling that you are ready to take back on the next challenge. There is once again space opened up that grants you lean way within. Total bliss and the best thing of it is that I did not even have to travel to Bora Bora (not that I did cross it of my travel bucket list) to obtain that state of mind. Is it because I am getting older and that I now settle more easily into a certain routine or is the growing mental awareness that I make time for during my summer break. Honestly I don’t have a clue but I do now that it are those first couple of weeks that my mind needs desperately in order to get an other canvas ready.
Now if it there would all stop then we would be a very happy bunny. But as we all know does time only move forward unless some of you have been offered the secret of time travelling. Once that Ferragosto shows up on the calendar the next phase is about to kick in. One that I sometimes start to have certain doubts about. The reasons for that are multiple and partly I do then find out that my lovely blank canvas that I was priming for a brand new and exciting school year then not turns out to be so straight forward.
Inside of me I have pictured a carefully put together piece of art that resembles the work by the French artist George Seurat. The over all plan of my year ahead is that I will carefully brush every single colour on my canvas without having to loose the plot. The art of pointillism is my cup of tea and I envision creating something similar to my all time favourite work by him called ‘Sunday on la Grande Jatte’. It is a wonderful art work that so carefully is painted that it communicates order, system, planning ahead, structure, effective communication and all those elements that I strongly believe to get ready for successful school year.
Within the last two weeks before the official start I then plant carefully my first brushes on the canvas without having to loose all the balance within. I know exactly where I want to plant my next stroke of red, violet or blue. I have figured it out and I have got a waterproof plan. I have got total control of my work of art. The year ahead is very straight forward planned time and nothing is going to distract me or getting me derailed. Not this time…after all this time out there I know what to expect. Bring on these ten months of educational fun.
That around that exact time time also my favourite Italian trattorias and restaurants reopen after their summer break is also helping me. The excitement that this process all brings helps to settle for having to exchange my careless mornings and not having to face the morning rush. You fully realise that what you have signed up for years ago is still what you want. You even saying out loud that your are ready to go back. Back to reality and where all the educational fun takes place. Huray for September!
Unfortunately this is the shortest phase I get to experience. Every single year again…over and over again the next phase arrives. The one where you need to settle for a certain sensation that is a bit less fun. Within one week I have to face a rather painful reality and by the time that I am heading back to my first real time lesson and have put into my planner my first meetings things have changed. It is then that I have got to come to realisation that my blank canvas is already changed into something that reflects less an impressionistic art work. Instead I am rather staring at work that will lead to something that reflects the work of a more expressionistic artist. My careful planted points of paint have been covered by ‘drippings’. And I am not the one who has been throwning them on my canvas. Others were so kind to pass by and leave their marks. As I am typing this I have already been ‘disrupted’ at least once by a work related phonemail that has left a few big ‘drippings’ on my structured work. So instead I am exchanging ‘my Seurat’ for an ‘our Jackson Pollock’.
That I now try to come to terms with that reality is perhaps a bit of a less calm sensation but over the last few years I have come to realisation that Pollocks his paintings depict something that I do so long for. A school year is after all a work of a team and this team consists of all very talented artists who wish to leave behind their imprint as well. What we all have in common is that we are in the mood of some action that will result a piece of art that will depict our best work that we all can benefit of.
Yes, Stallie does not look forward to the chaos and mess that ‘action painting’ brings along. I am already telling the ones around me that I will be happy when the month October arrives. It sounds so ungrateful and a bit as if I can’t handle that first month back. The thing is that I just need to get my head around those first outlines to make sure that I know where we all wish to head for. The most messy period of the school year brings all those things that I rather despise and just can live without but they are part of the job description. I just hope to get through the upcoming month with not that many cuts and tears in my canvas. I am fully aware that creating this work will involve also having to hold my breath, having to find back my balance, trying not always to speak up mind and more less straight forward sensation. A school year withholds the challenging sensation that I will now and then need to go with the flow and deal with whimsical wisps of art brushes that are not mine.
No, Pollocks work is not exactly my cup of tea but once I take a closer look at the mental artwork that I have been producing together with others I do see so clearly what Pollock was after whe he said about his own work the following:’"I feel more comfortable on the floor. I feel closer, more part of the painting, because this way I can walk around it, work from all four sides and literally be in the painting.”
So…herby I already wish all my colleagues and fellow educators around the world a lot of fun creating their own Pollock. Believe me it is so much more fun to be within a piece of work than having to dissect of a distance. Let it be the ten very colourful months that are filled up with action work produced by a very creative team. So grab for your box of brushes and colours and get on dripping! There is after still some empty walls to fill up in the most exciting museum of all: school!
PS: I did not pick randomly Pollock and Seurat. One of my favorite movies is 'Ferris Bueller's Day off'. I still love that movie. Not only because I ended up as a 19 year old one in that museum in Chigago staring at not only that Seurat painting and a Jackson Pollock one. It is also a movie about growing up and having to face what you wish to see and how you see yourself. Personally it is underated movie. And yes it is also about skipping school...and let us face that we all must have felt that urge once in our lives to skip one day of school in order to do what we really wanted to do. It is within these out of school trips that we do find something that helps us to refocus. Freeing yourself is being able to get out those colours that define you and help to create that one piece of work that is a real reflection of yourself.
