One bridge too far....Insieme?

When it happened I cried…it were rather silent tears but they were gigantic and they fell on the carpet in our bathroom that we normally use for spilled bathwater.  That there were numerous tiny wet spots showing up on the light blue fabric while outside the sun was shining made my stomach even go more into a twist.  I felt totally lost and a new black hole was about to be formed inside of me. Because it was a normal workday and I seriously detest coming too late I gathered all the broken pieces in a record time and swallowed the sadness down because life goes on no matter what.    

Ever since that specific day I do try to stay calm and move on.  Not that I have not shared my opinion with people about it, but it hurts in a spot where not that many people can follow me.  Is that then the elite sensation that many people voted against?  I am lost here…and totally flying blind.  Believe me I try very hard to understand why people want out of something that has not lived up to their expectations. Do not worry I get that for 200% but it remains mind-boggling what some people give me as their personal reason why they voted for Leave.  But believe me, I do understand.  You must have very good reasons to do. I get it...I do and please believe me...okay?

No, I don’t consider the EU as being perfect.  In my humble opinion are words such as 'excellence', 'perfection' and 'outstanding' rather an utopia that mankind reaches out for but never manages to get right 100%.  Politics are surely a minefield and most of us vote for 'change' when we are called to the poling station to cast our votes.  Over the last decade I have ended up having less and trust in politicians.  Hey, they all have their own private agenda and many of are addicted to power.  It is a drug and how would you feel that they would take away that one cup of tea or coffee you desperately need in order to function?

It will never be enough… I have figured that out by now.   The moment I am experiencing ultimate bliss might only last a split second and the next I am about to explode and very tempted to behead a follow citizen who thinks that he or she can ignore the traffic regulations.  There is this very thin line between happiness/satisfaction/joy/love and fury/sadness/disappointment/insanity/hate that pushes me forward but also can paralyze me.  It is like the perfect storm that suddenly shows up on the mental radar.  There might have been a few warnings beforehand but despite those you have decided to just dive into the abyss where darkness prevails.

That spring in combination with things such as Brexit can have such a deep impact on me is of course linked to my personal DNA. But still there are days that I do feel a bit out of control and this that the world was a bit less complicated and would be able to find the common ground that we all need in order to function a bit better than we momentarily seem.  Newspapers and social media are full of outspoken opinions why people are not happy and dissatisfied about how it is all going.  It is mind-boggling how many people scream out that they feel discriminated, wronged, hurt, angry, abandoned, cheated on, lied to,… I can go on and on with the list of less happy sounding words.

About 17 years ago I made a promise to a person who also was very good at expressing his very straight forward opinion about the world we live in.  He never added sugar to the medicine to make it down more easier.  That was not his style.  Yes, I sometimes do have imaginary conversations with him because it is perhaps the only way to keep myself in control.  To not slip… and to focus on what matters and what can help to make the day end with a smile. Also I have always listened very careful to advice that my parents, host parents, my other significant one, siblings, mentors, ballet teachers, coaches, friends, coworkers and even strangers  have given or still give me.  I breath those wise word in and then hope that they will make one day the difference.   And they do..still do.

Yes, I kept my promise and still do I go on and try to embrace life at the fullest knowing that it will not always bring 100% satisfaction.  Plus I strongly believe that are so much around to be grateful for that we sometimes consider normal.  Perhaps one thing that Brexit has taught me is that many things that we take for granted are not.  That we do have more in common and share than we ever imagined.  It does not take away the rather gloomy outlook I have about this whole political ‘soap’? Sorry for my choice of words but almost three years further down the line I start to feel a bit like it. Whatever the future will have in store one thing I do now for sure It will never ever be enough…there wil be one more thing we will have in common and that is that we all have lost something.  Something that one day seemed to be enough to feel a bit more unified.


I am trying more and more to bridge the differences I came across within and that seems not that straight forward.  Sometimes I do wonder if a walk over the Peace Bridge across the Foyle, Northern Ireland would do the trick?  There seem more and more be painful moments that it seems that we rather would like to destroy that bridge we have constructed over the last 50 years and only will hold up if we all put in some extra energy.  Now do not get me wrong…I do understand that for some of us the whole EU bureaucracy only has complicated their daily lives. There are even people who wonder what happened to their villages that once where so prosperous and where raiding a family was good.  Nostalgic stories and pictures are then the only proof that is left of a life once led.

Yes, I have already said 'sorry' when talking to people aboout this subject.  I feel sorry that it seemed not enough to hang in there, to take a risk and keep those values we share in a joined venture.  Personal I do wonder if we should have tried harder to make it clearer and less complicated.  Yeah, Stallie takes so many things personal.  Democracy is a nice sounding word and people seem less and less connected with politics.  Well, honestly I do thing that there are people out there that do have a hidden agenda when it comes down to Brexit.   Those people I do not know personal and they do not know me personal.  That is not going to change once that final signature is put under the divorce papers.  So yes, I am already sorry for that we are all going to have to wait longer when we wish to visit eachtother or having to pay more if we wish to taste our delicacies.  Sorry...sorry...so sorry...that is when you wish to leave and leave behind something that once seem to work but now has only defaults.

It seems that we might have went one bridge too far.  For those who know that movie with a four star cast (Sean Connery and Robert Redford in a less wrinkled state!) know the famous words by the English soldier Frederik Browning.  I guess that is for me the best way to momentarily deal mentaly with Brexit.  Having to say that the mission was not accomplished is surely not easy and does not call for a parade.  Politicians and lots of civil servants/bureacrats/diplomats/lobbyists and other EU staff are fully aware of that.  And that is the least I can say about the whole painful political chaos we are momentarily facing.


The future is unknown and Brexit demonstrates that so well.  There are circulating many other comparisons on social media in order to explain what is going on.  There is this one of using that you try to take something out of a baked cake. Impossible but hey there is now something called vegan cake? No?  Might work, no?  Sorry my fantasy is running away with me once more. Yes, I do not always tell out here what I truly think and feel because the last thing I wish to do is hurt people or give them the impression that I do not understand their feelings or opinions.  Believe me, I don't but I also have those and I do think that it is important that the EU works hard to uphold those values and keep us safe.   Lots of those safety, health and economic regulations are there for a reason and sorry if they might have created only disspleasure in your daily life..... do you get why I rather talk face to face to you about this?

Still, when it comes down to the EU I do have a very outspoken opinion.  I can be very passionate about it and it has changed my life in a very profound way.  In case you wonder how then just ask me. I will happily buy you cup of tea and a scone with cream or cupcake before sitting down for a long chat.  But promise me to bear with me and walk along with on that fragile bridge.  Not that I can make you any promises that you will be any wiser and understand me fully.   Sorry it doesn not work like that...building bridges is about tying to find ways to bridge differences and not withening the gap further. Sometimes that is a very time consuming and complicated process.

For the moment there does not seem to be a way that we can come to an agreement to end the relationship so that we can all move on in peace, foremost peace of mind.  And therefor we will have to put up with each other for a bit longer.  I don’t mind but it is not something that I did foresee that one day that I woke up and found out that the UK was going to file for the divorce.  My love for that nation is now so much interlinked with who I am and therefor even after our joined EU story comes to an end I do hope that there will be enough that will keep us connected.  That is what I hope for and that might be a hope in vain.  But I never ever have taken for granted what the EU has given me so far and that is not going to end the day that the UK leaves. 

That I then momentarily might have to look in very unexpected place for hope is perhaps the hardest challenge but the moments that I do find it are gigantic energy boosts. It can be in very tiny acts.  A text message of a friend living at the other end of the world, a picture of my niece J who now can walk in the colorful dress I bought her for Christmas, sharing chocolate and drinking a cup of George Clooney, walking by myself through Tervuren Park while the sunlight reflects in one of the ponds, a cupcake of Lilicup while you recall all the colorful memories you created with your special friend N, reading that about 600 page book by Ilja Leonard Pfeijffer (a very fitting book to read at this time in the whole Brexit saga), is getting lost in your capital and observing tourists that buy ‘tourist trap’ chocolate, is tasting yuzu sorbet at Gaston at Place Catherine, buying bright yellow tulips to brighten up your living room, mowing the lawn and smelling the perfume of freshly cut grass, waking up with the sound of a rooster who announces that the day is running already late and foremost being amazed by the pure power that nature exhibit all around….and that happiness you also create yourself but sometimes it just involves a bit of work or peace of mind. 

There is a lot going on in the world that is beyond my control and it is thanks to spring that I am fully aware that I do have so much to be grateful for….so ever since that one year spring is so much more meaningful and do I know that I am someone who for all seasons but for sure feel most connected to many things, people and the planet I love during SPRING .  And concerning Brexit we will have to see where it ends… To be continued I guess….with or without a scone?


Het Gelukslied

stel dat het bestond:
geluk in dozen of per pond.
geluk in potten, per dozijn in een karton;
gaf je er geld voor als het kon?

stel dat het bestond:
geluk kwam zomers uit de grond.
geluk was onkruid in een bak op het balkon.
liet je het groeien als het kon?

stel dat het bestond:
geluk, meteen al in je mond.
geluk als water uit een borrelende bron.
werd je dan dronken als het kon?

stel dat het bestond.
geluk in huis, als kat of hond.
geluk was eetbaar als fruit of een bonbon.
wat zou je kiezen als het bestond?

Ik zou niet kiezen als het kon.
geluk is regen in een ton.
of dun als lucht in een ballon.
geluk is gratis als de zon.
als ik dit lied een herbegon?

                                             Bart Moeyaert

P.S.: That I added a poem by Bart Moeyaert is not random. He won about a week ago the Astrid Lindgren Memorial Award and that is fur sure grand and happy news! Sorry that I did not translated it but it only comes to full bloom in my mother tongue.   I did not choose Vivaldi to go along with this post but rather for the music by Mari Samuelsen.  Surely a violinist who can make me feel moved by music.  Also music  by the Italian artist Raf called Infinito and a walk next to a  gigantic bridge.  And as a bonus that one song about Europe that even won Eurosong.  Yes, there was a time that you could win Eurovision with a song about an unified Europe.  Ask Toto Cutugno he knows everything about that..  In 2006 he even did perform it live in Moscow...perhaps that was that one bridge too far?

Fragile Hope

HOPE…it is a very powerful word and I still consider it one of those words that can lift up my mood.  Even if the weather is less Spring like and temperatures seem to linger around Wintermodus.  That the final season GOT where the last 10 years Winter was announced is about to kick off and the cherry blossoms are all around seem a bit controversial but in a way it is dark and light in fragile symbiosis.  Yes, I have become a great fan of the series and unexpectedly I will have the pleasure to even hear one of the actors (one of the few who survived the last 7 seasons) talk about one of my favorite subjects but that is something that I hope to get back to in my next blog entry.  Spring is there and it will remain my all time favorite season.  When magnolia trees show their pink-white outfits there suddenly is new force at work and when the grass suddenly finds back the urge to aim for the sky then I know that it is time for Vivaldi his music to being played a bit louder than normal. 

I also then try desperately to find other signs that Spring is a catalyst for better times to arrive.  The energy that I can find while staring at a bunch of tulips or the first chocolate eggs that I buy in my local supermarket and will hide till that particular Sunday have a similar effect on me.  There is a lot to be amazed by when it comes down to the seasons but the effect this on has on me is beyond any mindfulness meditation or a day at the spa.  That it is the same season in which my father said farewell to the living surely makes it very intense but he then also was the one who made me fall in love with the music of Vivaldi.  Yeah, I danced on my ballet slippers over the landing while that record from the Deutche Grammophone was played one more by him.  Outside our garden started to show its force and there was the perfume of freshly cut grass and the first invitations for weddings or holy communions arrived with the mail. 

That nature can have such a major impact on my mental state I keep considering fascinating and also tells me that me moving to an island where there would be one season might not be such a good idea. One look at the sunset and the leftovers it still beams over our grass tells me that I am a girl for all seasons but for sure function best when spring is at work.  My house might not reflect the effects of the mental spring cleaning but still ‘the force’ is at work within.

More than once I have told here that I momentarily I am bit in limbo when it comes down to the news digestion and how I perceive the world.  That I write less when I am in a such state I do not consider a blessing but rather a curse but it is very hard to write about something that you just refuse more air time than it already gets.  There are enough people out there who against all odds keep trying and pushing but these people might only do this in the margin and not always search for the limelight.  We all know what happens to many of those who suddenly jump on stage with their story and then someone finds the dirt and starts to throw it around in abundance. Plenty of examples to be found.  We all have a dark side and stories that we will not share that easily but still… if hope it needed to make the difference than I am very willingly to rather concentrate on what will create rather than destroy. 

So yes that a few weeks Dominique Persoone, the Belgian chocolate wizard/rebel announced on his Instagram that he had exciting news for a joined venture with Virunga Park in Congo  made me feel so hopeful.  We are here talking about a national park in a country where my nation has got some bills to settle with.  Mental bills…daily I am reminded by what happened ‘in de Kongo’. Do never assume that I did not read between the lines or not listened to what others have to say about what my nations caused there.  Every single day that one building will remind of unfinished business and that there is a very thin line between hope and despair.  The recent added sculptures that you will find at the outside of the building will tell you so much more than any educational video you will be shown during your visit.  

That a Belgian by the name of Emmanuel de Mérode is now connected with the word hope is something that makes me ponder how much work you need to put into something that you strongly believe in.  That you will have to make sacrifices that you will have to take many risks and stand up for those that can not use their voice and are less powerful than you.  That the man of chocolate now joined up with the conservator of Virunga Park is perhaps a joined venture that also is very good marketing but I challenge you to read a bit up on who Emmanuel is and what he tries to do.  This individual goes the distance. Yes, he is privileged and thanks to his pedigree he surely manages to get things done that most of us are unlikely to get done in five life times.  But hey, since that he and the crew he put together (one of them is the charismatic pilot Anthony Caere) are now trying to preserve a very fragile part of our globe that we never ever should take for granted I am with them on the same page.  Emmanuel does not beat around the bush when it comes down to his job.  He is not romantic and does not add any sugar to make the medicine go down easier. But he made pledge on the flag of a nation he now works for and he takes that job very serious dead serious.  That he looks for allies in order to find that spark of hope can make me feel hopeful as well.

Yes, the state in which the globe is very concerning and deserves perhaps an army of people such as Emmanuel de Mérode.  Dominique Persoone admits that he was not prepared for what he has seen in Congo.  It is not going to be easy mission that he now embarked on with and he hopes that it will work foremost for the people of Virunga.  His skills and experience he hopes to pass on and let bloom in one of the most fragile national parks in the whole world.  I am with him…after this planet is the only one that has got chocolate…. and imagine that this might now end up in that black hole we since this week know looks like!  No way I wish it to head that way....

P.S.: I add this TED-talk that Emmanuel de Mérode gave in 2011. Surely worth to watch because it explains very well what the fragile line he constantly walks on but searches constantly for hope.  And I added the fragile voice of Stacey Kent who sings one of the hallmark songs by Sting.  'Nothing comes of violence...must we forget how fragile we all are...'

Waardeloos...Hopeloos...Eindeloos

Er zijn zo van die momenten dat ik echt zin heb om er eens echt goed tegenaan te gaan.  Er zijn zo van die dagen dat ik echt zin heb om het achterste van mijn tong te laten zien.  Er zijn zo van die gevallen waarbij ik me echt niet kan neerleggen.   Dat ik nu al drie maanden lang zwijg op mijn blog hangt vooral samen dat ik iedere keer weer terug in mijn zwijgzame stulp kruip en daar dan probeer tot rust te komen.  Probeer dan te zoeken naar de balans in mezelf en te rest te herleiden tot de essentie. 

Een daad die me heel wat energie kost en ook kostbare energie.  Daarom en alleen daarom heb ik het de afgelopen maanden laten afweten op deze plek.  En geloof me dat het me zwaar valt om een keer niet gewoon er alles uit te smijten…..om gewoon een keer echt te zeggen wat ik van bepaalde dingen, actuele onderwerpen, mensen en uitspraken vind.  Maar iedere keer wint weer dat ene gevoel dat bij mij echt nog steeds de bovenhand heeft.  Iets waar ik niet altijd de vinger kan leggen en ook iets dat we mee kan sleuren naar de donkerste grotten van mijn bewustzijn.  Dat ik me er weer iedere keer weet uit te slepen en niet toegeef dat is bijna een wonder te noemen. 

Meer dan een keer de afgelopen weken heb ik me afgevraagd waar ik ergens me op het spectrum bevind?  Of ik mezelf nog kan terugvinden in een groep van mensen met bepaalde eigenschappen en waarden?  Dat ik in afgelopen vijf jaren meermaals heb mogen ervaren dat mensen het vooral hebben begrepen op extremen dat vind ik nog niet zo bijzonder maar toch…  Het valt me zwaar om tot de vaststelling te komen dat ik mezelf stilaan niet meer overal thuis voel.  Er zijn zelfs momenten dat ik heel bewust zwijg, mijn tong honderd keer omdraai, denkbeeldig met mijn hoofd duizend keer tegen een muur sta te bonken, duizend keer ‘internal curse’, zit te roepen in mijn wagen (een van de weinige plekken waar ik me misschien echt mezelf nog kan wezen en vooral als ik Mozart, Taylor Swift en Sting speel) en nog duizend en een kleine acties.  Geen van deze zet ik daadwerkelijk om in actie en geloof me het val me heel zwaar want ik voel me stilaan een beetje geïsoleerd geraken in een wereld waar we vooral de taal van vervreemding spreken met elkaar.

Niet dat dit te verwonderen is. Ik omschrijf mezelf niet als zijnde een idioot en ik weet dat ik soms wel eens naïef ben als het op de mensheid neerkomt.  Ja, ik heb mezelf een paar keer serieus bij de neus laten nemen en dag in, dag uit leef ik nu met de gevolgen hiervan.   ‘It is what it is…’, is een van de vele tag-lines waar ik mee probeer een doorsnee dag door te geraken en dat zonder veel kleerscheuren of schrammetjes op mijn pantser dat ik rond mijn hard heb laten aanpassen.  De meeste dagen lukt dit aardig maar het valt me wel een tikkeltje zwaarder dan 1 of 2 jaar geleden.

Er zijn dagen dat ik wandel door ruïnes en neen, het zijn niet die ik zo bewonderde toen ik voor het eerste de eeuwige stad Rome, Efeze of Pompeï bezocht.  Neen, het zijn de overblijfselen van wat ik ooit dacht een stevig fundament te hebben en me kon aan vastgrijpen in tijden van vertwijfeling, nood, verdriet, wanhoop en pijn.   Tot mijn grootste verbijstering loop ik nu rond in een verlaten stad waar nog nauwelijks muren van rechtop staan.  Waar ik nog nauwelijks een lichtpunt kan vinden en waar er vooral nog schimmen van het verleden ronddwalen.  Dante zijn Inferno komt heel dichtbij wanneer ik hier verkeer en Jeroen Bosch zijn schilderijen voelen eerder waarheidsgetrouw aan.

Ja,…. ik zit er een beetje door al het neerkomt op nog iets positiefs te vinden.  Iets dat we er iedere dag door kan halen.  En begin nu niet dat ik die kracht uit mezelf moet halen en vooral zelf actie moet ondernemen.  Daarmee ben ik nooit gestopt maar meer en meer heb ik de neiging te geloven dat het gewoon niets meer uit zal halen.  Niet dat ik opgeef maar ik voel me alleen omdat ik stilaan besef dat er iets aan het verdwijnen dat we zo nodig hebben om nog het verschil te kunnen maken voor de mensheid in het algemeen.

Meer dan ooit kom ik in dagdagelijks discours woordenschat tegen die het bewijs is dat mensen vooral ‘copy&paste’ toepassen en met hun woorden weten in te hakken op een ander.   Stallie stoort zich daar mateloos aan omdat ik zo niet ben opgevoed omdat ik geleerd dat er gewoon zo veel meer steekt achter ieder verhaal dat ik in de krant of sociale media zie de revue passeren.   Mijn vertrouwen ben ik al heel lang verloren in velen.   Belofte maakt schuld is er eentje dat ik nu durf te herleiden tot liegen…en dat woord dat zindert veel langer na.  Maar ik probeer wel steeds mijn woord te houden.  En ik spreek geen pijnlijke woorden uit als ik de uitwerking er niet van kan inschatten.  Niet dat ik niet probeer eerlijk te zijn en als ik dan al een keer uit mijn sloffen schiet dan zal ik me altijd proberen te kaderen zonder de personen in de ruimte te kort te schieten. 

Maar rondom speelt een discours af dat mijn verbeelding tart en de gevolgen er van die lees ik al overal.  Menslief u ziet uzelf enorm graag maar een ander iets gunnen of een plek geven om zichzelf te wezen en samen het middenveld proberen op te zoeken dat is niet meer bij.  De impact hiervan is enorm en dat jaagt mij de schrik op het lijf.

Een van de plekken die een beetje weergeeft wat er nu gebeurd in mijn hoofd is NYC.  Het is een stad waar ik meermaals ben geweest en waar ik tegenwoordig me ook niet meer 100% toerist waan. Het is de metropool bij uitstek waar zoveel werelden botsen met mekaar en naast mekaar leven zonder mekaar te lijken in de weg te lopen.  En in het midden van deze drukke stad ligt een groen stukje land waar bomen groeien en je kan verloren lopen zonder hoogbouw tegen te komen  Waar je op een bankje kan zitten naast een vreemde man of vrouw (of moet ik nu gender neutrale taal beginnen aan te nemen) zonder ook 1 woord te zeggen.  Het is de plek waar de mensheid misschien wel al zijn maskers nog durft af te werpen maar hoopt dat niemand hem/haar ziet.  Lokaal kan ik enkel aan het Zoniënwoud denken als het op zulke plekken neerkomt.  In Central Park heb ik meermaals de essentie terug weten bovendrijven, wetende dat de kracht er

Stallie is wanhopig op zoek naar het middenveld dat ze zo broodnodig acht om de wereld te laten voort bestaan zonder aardverschuivingen.  En laat me nu ook maar even dramatisch wezen want dat kunnen zo velen ook beter dan ooit.  Uw boodschap komt stevig aan. U en anderen wordt gehoord en u krijgt heel veel ‘airtime’.  Mensen drukken u meer dan ooit graag een microfoon onder de neus en journalisten belagen u meermaals per dag met een telefoontje of wensen u te strikken voor een interview waarin u dan de gal kan spugen die velen met u delen.   Al de kommer en kwel die nu staat uitgesmeerd op sociale media en in de geschreven pers is een blauwdruk van al waar ik echt energie al verspil… het verstilt me en het kwetst me….raakt me en doet me eerder nederig worden. 

Misschien ligt het dus aan mij dat ik me gewoon niet meer thuis voel op plekken waar ik me vroeger wel begrepen voelde. Nu word ik precies in het vergeethoekje geduwd omdat ik niet reageer of me geen houding weet te geven in bepaalde discussies.  Mensen die me beter kennen weten dat ik echt wel heel uitgesproken meningen heb over heel veel dingen.   Klimaatspijbelaars, Facebook, islamhaat, alt right,  anti-vax, onderwijshervormingen, polarisering, fake news, Trump, immigratie, gele hesjes, Brexit…ja,Stallie heeft er een mening over.  Maar ik zwijg tegenwoordig…. Ik ben in constant Don Draper modus omdat het momenteel de enige manier is waarop ik me mentaal weerbaar weet wezen zonder nog een muur te torpederen of een steunbalk naar beneden te halen.  Not on my watch! 

Sitting on the fence…eigenlijk zit ik daar graag en dat ik heb al meer dan een keer hier gezegd maar vroeger voelde ik me minder alleen op het hek.  Stilaan lijkt dit hek eerder op een vluchtheuvel waar we maar even op adem mogen komen voordat de volgende woorden-storm en aanval komt aanwaaien.  Het is bijna een wonder dat ik meer dan 3 dagen me in balans mag noemen.  ‘I am under constant attack mentally!’. 

Dat ik gekozen heb voor het onderwijs is een van de redenen waarom ik me nuttig voel in de maatschappij.  En neen, geloof mij, ik lepel mijn leerlingen niet eender welke ideologie binnen zonder dat ze er eerst ruimte en tijd voor krijgen om er een openlijk gesprek te mogen met mekaar of met mij.  Zo werkt het niet want zo werkt het buiten de schoolmuren ook niet. 

Niet dat ik geloof dat het vroeger beter was maar er wel iets aan het werk dat de balans misschien veilig stelde.  Ja, ik heb mijn ouders weten hevige discussie voeren met hun vrienden en kennissen en familie.  Niet alleen op feestjes of recepties.  Neen, voor mijn ouders maakte het deel uit van hun eigenheid.   En dit wekelijks!  Het ging er soms heftig aan toe maar op het einde van de avond of communie feest moest iedereen door dezelfde deur naar buiten kunnen en liefst met de arm om mekaars schouder.  Werd er dan niet nagetrapt in de wagen naar huis of tijdens de afwas?    Hoogstwaarschijnlijk wel, maar toch werd er nooit met het grof geschut op de ander geschoten.  

Dat het middenveld aan het vervagen is, dat jaagt me schrik aan en ik voel me minder en minder nog begrepen.  Het gevoel van onbehagen dat we vooral op sociale media kwijt kunnen en dat dan zo zijn ingang weet te vinden naar de rustige kanalen dat is stilaan alledaagse soep.  Meermaals zit ik naast iemand aan tafel die iets zegt waarvan ik zo de oorspronkelijke bron van informatie kan identificeren.  Maar ik mis diepgang en kan bijna geen kant meer uit als ik het gesprek zou willen aangaan. Meestal zwijg ik nu en dat maakt me heel ongelukkig.

Ooit heeft me iemand begroet met ‘Dag Caroline, De Morgen-lezer!’ en ik was zo verbouwereerd omdat ik plots me de impact kon inschatten van sociale media.  Plots was ik in staat om iets aan het werk te zien waar ik echt geen controle meer over had tenzij dat deze persoon wat langer tijd met mij mee zou doorbrengen. Ja, ik lees deze krant en ik verdiep me vooral tijdens het weekend in de geschreven pers. Maar niet enkel en alleen die ene krant. Ik lees buitenlandse kranten en ook hier en daar een krant van het andere landsgedeelte.  Neen, ik kan niet herleid worden tot 1 krant of 1 informatiekanaal.  Dat weiger ik omdat het echt zo voorbij schiet aan de essentie. 

Dat ik daarom nu al maanden hier zwijg is eigenlijk de uitkomst van al het geschreeuw, geroep, oeverloos gekibbel, geroddel en gebrek aan een opbouwend discours.  Wees gerust sommigen van u zijn er wel in geslaagd maar jammergenoeg was het positive effect van deze heerlijke en diepgaande gesprekken eerder van korte duur.

Dat ik me nu in stilzwijgen heb gewikkeld is eerder een beschermingsmechanisme en omwille van ‘self-conservation’ maar ik maak me echt zorgen dat ik stilaan in de woestijn aan het rondlopen ben en straks geen enkele bank nog staat in Central Park en dat de wereld stilaan in een grote Grand Canyon veranderd.  Mensen doen mekaar pijn met woorden die ze soms gratuite in het rond strooien.  Misschien wordt het tijd maar een keer uit mijn schulp te komen en soms ook eens een wederwoord te formuleren….heeft een minuutje de tijd om met mij te wandelen door het park?   I was told that It is a walk through the park in order to get it right.

Crimbo Limbo

‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.’

This could be basically my Christmas entry for this year.  Not that I was after quoting Dickens but I have to be honest this year it seems to be a bit harder than normal.  Oh yes, I am fully aware that I am not the only one who has a bit of a harder time when it comes down to getting into the jolly Christmas spirit.  For a few decades now I rather have an internal battle going on with the spirit of Christmas and I am totaly going limbo around this time of the year.  It is since I know both sides of life that I know just seem to fly blind during the holidays.

I have found out over the years that celebrating this holy festive day is rather a work of art.  And the older I am getting the more I need to face the truth that I just lack a few skills to organize that picture perfect Christmas. Not I do not try but there are a few things that I just do not get right or is there a conspiracy going on.  It like I am rather acting like Rambo during the festive season.

It is a bit give and take this season and I am fully aware.  One minute I need to face major traffic, a deluge and almost hit a pedestrian and the next I am calling one of my friends who now lives in at the other side of the world who has shared with me unforgettable Christmas moments.  Talking about mastering the spirit of Christmas she nails that.  I swallow down so many emotions at this time of the year that in a way do not match the picture perfect Christmas card you send to your friends in the matching envelop with name sticker.  

But then I am not much surprised that it hits me big time around this time of the year.  You should see me in the mornings putting in my gingerbread men earrings and matching necklace and pulling my christmas jumper over my head. It is like I am plastering a protective layer over my face and body. It is as if I wish to communicate that I am 100% in the mood and that I have everything under control!  The lesson plans U and I put together also contain that message and I even start picking out quotes to put on cards to wish everyone I love that one special Christmas. 

Today I am sitting here in the living room with in a front our wooden Christmas tree (believe me I am over the moon with that acquisition and woud never go back to the plastic one) and I just finished wrapping the final Christmas present.  I did hang some candy cane on the branches of it and I also just put that one specific bottle of bubbles, that I picked out months ago in that one special shop in Antwerp, in the fridge to chill.  Most of my groceries are done and I managed to order that dessert that my mother wishes me to bring along home on Christmas Day.   On the table there is standing that one nativity set that I longed for that many years and we ordered after long debates.   My house tells me I am ready and that the preparation fase is coming to an end but still….

One close look in the mirror tells me that I am not…every year it hits me and it is perhaps that little black hole in my heart that I so desperately try to ignore.  It is like a hammer that hits me on the head and I then have to snap out of a certain mood pronto in order not to loose any time to get all the things done on my TO DO-list.  

So yes, I admit I can feel like Scrooge at this time of the year.  It is as if I can scratch of the layer of that specific wonderfully wrapped gift with a gigantic bow on top that has my name on it but just know that it is all an illusion.  That it is not going to happen…that I am trying to hard for the sake of nobody… .  Yes, believe me I could strangle a salesperson who is trying to excuse himself that he does not have the screen in storage to fix your son his broken mobile phone and no I don’t get it why you would let the government of nation go into overdrive so close to the next elections.  For those who know the ‘Suske&Wiske’-comics I am then inside ‘tante Sidonia’ who is in serious over drive.

Yes, I need help to get into the spirit of Christmas but this year I found it not in the places where I had hoped to find it.  Oh believe me I do very much still think that Christmas is foremost about celebrating the birth of Jezus.  Call me conservative or old fashioned but it is for me in the first place exactly that and in order to celebrate that you do not need a gigantic tree or pile of presents under a tree.  But that is why I am having such a hard time this year…

The cliché that you have to create your own Christmas when nobody seems to care or is rather joined up in a conspiracy against you is very hard to go after.  Mentally I am trying very hard and I have done tons of acts to ignite that spirit but this year I just seem to go limbo. Plus that this year Santa was so kind to bless me with a very nasty cold. 

No, do not worry if you are one of these people who has tried to help me out. You know me well enough that I appreciate all you do for me.  All the goodies and hugs I received ,  the home baked cookies, the great five star advent calendar that we together daily opened at work, the trip to Aachen Christmas market with my great coworker U, the Christmas cards from friends I find in our mailbox when I arrive home, the Nutcracker at Bozar in Brussels, the shopping assistant who remembers me buying years ago in her shop the earrings I am wearing and shares with me some great stories, hearing my students sing Christmas carols and getting goosebumps,  having tea time and doing some great shopping with a very special friend in my favorite neighborhood of my capital, hearing the voice of N who celebrates her birthday but is thousands of miles apart, the delivery men (there is one specific one who I constantly wish to hug because I know he works so hard and manages to smile when he sees me smile), wandering around in my capital and just being able to be in the moment,  my beautician who forgives me for forgetting my appointment and foremost the meaningful chats with people who suddenly admit me that it is not easy to go after the spirit of Christmas….those moments and a few more help me this year to create my own little Christmas…

Perhaps I have found out that it is all in the very little, special, emotional, sincere, unexpected, out of the blue moments that I find only what I am after and I so desperately try to bottle up that recipe and keep it close to my heart.  After all I know that it will be hard once in a while.  Yes, I do believe still in the miracle of Christmas but I do not take it for granted it anymore. I am so much more aware that many people do not have an easy time around this time of the year. It is as if am desperately holding on to something that I can only feel for tiny split second and then slips through my fingers. I then am standng there feeling lonely, ice cold, pessimistic, hopelessly lost, depressed and so many more feelings that are not affiliated with the Christmas spirit….sorry I can not fake it… you know me too well.

But then it suddenly hit me that I a few weeks did read a story about a certain pixie called the Truth Pixie.  Yes, I was in pieces after reading a certain page because there it was black on white all what I do feel and experience around this time of the year.  In case you wonder what it is…well it contains splashes of what Dickens wrote so many centuries ago. After all the message he did try to send out to the world while writing his Christmas Caroll or a Tale of Two Cities certainly did not grow old.  I just have decided that I am not going to share the exact words by Matt Haig because after all their impact is something I do think you have to be able to undergo privately while reading the book itself.  In there is all I feel at this time of the year and I guess that is not that bad after all.

So I wish all of you the Christmas you are after and that you manage to create your own little Christmas.  Enjoy the times you get to spend with your loved ones, hold on to that hug one tiny split second longer, stare with a smile to the Christmas tree or nativity set while you traveling to the deepest spot of you being and try to hold on to it because it will be a bumpy ride now and then.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those people who still hold on to me when I feel a bit less sparkly and festive.  You mean the world to me! 

CPD or CPR?

CPD...it is not the most thrilling word in my profession description.  Do not get me wrong!  I do think that it is very essential to keep on growing professional but CPD days are not always the most exciting days of my existence. In some cases I even have to say that I walked out of the venue/building with professional 'flatline'.  There are the times that I rather was calling after some CPR in order to get back into shape and ready to go back into my classroom.  It are sometimes the CPD days that can suck out all the energy of me and even wonder why I even have chosen to be a teacher in the first place.  Fortunately there have been more CPD days that I wrapped up feeling professional alive and kicking but still....

It is therefor that when my educational hotspot started to use something called ‘professional learning partners’ I was in the beginning rather a bit skeptical.  Honestly, I did wonder if this was just an other way to promote something that a select group of people was going to have only access to and me as a ‘groundling’ would hardly get to see and use the outcome of.   Two years further down the line I have to say that I was wrong.   And why is that?   Well,….

First of all I have to be honest that I did at the time when the job description was put up I just did not feel that secure to go for that function.  Calling it modesty is too easy of an ‘excuse’ but I did wonder very openly if I would be a good fit in a school where I am surrounded by amazing educational professionals and very passionate people that I would be in the best postion and had the best background.  Second of all I did wonder how you can boost CPD days so that you get the most of it and try to keep everybody happy and still make sure that the vision you are after stays clear. 

Hey, do not get me wrong I might be then called passionate and loving what I do, I still tend to call myself a realist when it comes down to what I do.  I teach one hour of Dutch in an international school in a country where many people will manage without having to use that language in their daily lives.  I am not making this up…it is not fake news…it is a fact.  It is not always easy to kind of being the educator in a context where your subject is not considered ‘essential’.   But it has never kept me back of trying to make my subject worthwhile for the children I teach.  Single one of them I hope to teach something or let them walk out of my classroom feeling like they gained something out of those 55 minutes.

What is that something then? Well, that is not always that easy to define.  In case you think that is a bit of an awkward answer to give, I understand you.  But then I challenge you to tell me something about a CPD course you were granted to attend and that you did exactly get out of it what the course description told you?   Surely most of us teachers have had that experience of having ended up in a course of which you did wonder ‘This is just not what I had hoped for!’ or ‘This is not what I now need at this exact moment!’ or ‘Why in the world am I supposed to listen to this person who is telling me what to do but has he or she even been in real situation I am momentarily trying to survive within?’ or ‘I already knew all of that!' or  'Can you please tell me something that I not already have been told or found out myself?’….. I bet you can add a few yourself. 

CPD days are so many times those days that you rather leave feeling even less secure.  Or you wonder what you might have done more useful instead of having to call in cover for your class while you have been out for a day or more.    Well if there something that has changed since the professional learning partners are active in my school is that school CPD is now  run by a selected group of people but also a group of people still connected with the 'real' daily business that makes up a school.  People that try very hard to keep everybody their interests at heart.  Plus that they look also around them to find people who are willingly to share good practice. This is a group of very motivated people and they do come from different departments within the school what surely has added to the CPD boost.

Now do not get me wrong. There are still people around me who still will not get out of these days what they are after.  You can't make everybody happy but at the same time I do think that then it might be time to speak up. Inform the most essential people to do something about it.  Critics tend to keep to themselves when it comes down to CPD days because we all know that we then also have to do a bit more of inward reflection about what the real issue is that we are 'bored', 'annoyed', 'upset', 'grumpy', 'dissapointed',.... The whole range of rather negative feelings that floats above during talks and cofeebreaks during a CPD hides in most cases something that is more more complex.  Or that is at least what I have found out after 21 years attending such courses and conferences.

Now if I look back at the CPD opportunities I was granted over the last two decennia I must say that the outcome of them is not always the most obvious one.  So let me be so free to come up with a few insights and ideas that I did pick up on a very wide range of professional development courses that I did attend voluntarily or in same cases was friendly forced to attend.

1. Professional Development comes in all shapes and forms.  What you need momentarily you might have needed before or in some cases what you needed to know.  In education things also change constantly and our classrooms also do.  Personal and professional growth are not a static and therefor will constantly change.  You might need a course that shows you ways to deal with new technology in the classroom, while your coworker thinks very openly that the time has come that the school tells you something about value based teaching.  How they do this can be so different than you imagined.  Sometimes you will be offered the opportunity to attend a course outside school and sometimes it might be rather a book that you find in your school library that will help you. 

2.We do not all need the same at the same time. As a result, and I do think that is very challening  to put together a very worthwhile CPD program for you staff or pushing them in a certain direction.  Okay, there are the days that your school wishes to get all people to look into the same direction.  Your vision should be a joined one and that all involved feel part of and have been given the opportunity to speak up their mind about. Timing is everything and this also is the case when it comes down to CPD days.  Perfect timing is always so much more positive and feeling at the end of the day the workshop discription did just not live up to its expectation.  But it is still hard to come by and not that easy to plan. 

3.Making connections is very valuable.  At all CPD events/days I met up with people that I has something in common with.  In some cases it might not be connected with the content of the course itself but something totally different.  These connections could be the beginning of something else.  And I am not only talking about friendship.   Connections outside your working spot can be a very powerful manner to find a new sparkle of hope that might end up in starting that one dream project you are already lobbying after.   Keep your eyes and ears open!

4.The more personal professional development becomes the more energy it will cost and openminded you sometimes will need to be.  We have been all in the spot where you do know deep down inside that it is time to find a course in order to help you.  It are sometimes these that will make the difference in your daily teaching.  These are also the ones that you end up having to do a bit extra work or concentrate harder.  It are not the walks through the park with a stop at the ice cream van.  No freebies are handed out and the outcome of such a day might be still unclear.  These are the courses and events that demand a lot more than copying a work sheet or reading the most recent research.  They call for action on a bigger scale and we all know what we then also need to make it work.

5.CPD outcomes are not always measurable or easily to share with others.  Teachers sometimes like first to spend some time on their private educational island before diving into the cold and deep ocean water.  Processing the content of a CPD is not always easy and in some situations it might not even work out for you.  This is then due to some other more complex reasons.  That we then sometimes might have to say ‘at least I tried’ is not always what we were after when signing up for that specific workshop or talk.   Plus that when you are send on a three day course about dealing with difficult behavior within the classroom makes you wonder if you even dare to tell your coworker who seems to be a superhero when it comes down to class management.  And then there are the side effects of attending CPD days and I have found out that these are sometimes as valuable as the initial reason that you ended up in room to listen to an expert about dyslexia or Autism. 

6.Sharing is caring.  Sounds very fuzzy and cliché. But in the last five years I have noticed that the professional days where people did share their ‘wealth’, their good practice, their insight are the ones that made me feel more connected and cared for.  Sometimes that was all I needed in order to head back into my classroom in a more inspired and energetic mode. Ready to try something new and still add my own twist to the offered advice or worksheet.  Copy and paste not a magic spell you can cast over your classroom.

7.The proof of the pudding is in eating the pudding.  The more ‘fun’ you are having the harder it sometimes it will be to keep up with the insights.  Yes, I do sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed after such days.  It is during these days that I have been in a way cut off from society and only concentrate on my profession.  Once I am back at reality and try out something 'new' is not always that easy.  But it is only then I find out if 'it 'works or not.  And it might not always work out…but at least I have tried.  So after all the listening the next stage is creating...what calls for action.

8.CPD days and programs are put together by people…human beings…people like you and me!  Learning is an opportunity but the also means that more and more people see it also as a market .  It is not always that easy to attract the most suitable people to your CPD.  Sometimes you just might not find the right person or the organization to cooperate with. Or it even turns out during the CPD itself that your school is not that compatible as first perceived when reading their website or cours descriptions.

9.Feedback is essential.  No, those sheets you at the end are politely asked to fill in to give feedback are not just there to make your life even more miserable.  Oh yes I admit, I am tempted myself not to fill in my survey or questionnaire after a less interesting or ‘useless’ workshop or chat of a professional.  But actually it are sometimes these documents ways to get your frustrations, opinions and criticism out in the open.   Feedback helps other to make decisions and so just brushing it off and even throwing that piece of document  in our digital bin.  Give each organize of CPD at least to work with and to learn from.

10.Personal involvement can create already the next step you are after.  The more you get yourself engaged during the event itself the more likely there will be a positive outcome of a CPD.  Engagement starts with showing interest in the program or searching for some extra information about a speaker that has been invited or a subject your CPD is going to cover.  Surely it is not always easy to drag yourself out of bed during a weekend to attend that specific course but once you had a third cup of coffer or tea and have found some way to contribute to a discussion it might all change into brighter day professional wise.  I have found out that people who are more engaging and take more an active part seem to be ones who take away more than ones that perhaps keep to themselves or grumble constantly.

Okay some of them you might agree with and others you might just call nonsense.  Yes, I still end up in workshops that I not find out that where I am after.   Yes, I have sometimes felt like I lost precious time when having to listen to a rather sleep inducing voice.  Yes,why in the world some people think that they their way is only the right way.   And yes, I still not got to attend that one CPD where I only saw happy faces.

Professional development is surely that one part of my job description that I still consider the most challenging one and keep me on my toes.  But without it would be surely make my job less adventurous and interesting.  It might be also the most vital stepping stone of my profesional growth. If your CPD makes you end up being after CPR you might wish to ask for a first aid course as your next CPD.  That is still the most valuable CPD that I do get to attend annual.   That course has proven more than once to be life saving.... for sure!

Going up, going down!?

The elevator…..I love the elevator!  I have always called it one of the best inventions ever!  Yes, I am guilty of using it when I should have rather used the staircase.  When I park on the roof of my local supermarket I use my shopping cart as the excuse to get into it.  Thanks to the elevator I have been on top of buildings that have taken my breath away.  Tokyo, Chicago, New York and Paris are only a few whose outlook have bewildered me thanks to a box that goes up and down.  Not that I not for a split second before the doors close what could happen if suddenly a power cut happens and I get stuck.  Stallie is not always not he road will a fully charged iPhone but at the other hand there will always be something edible to be found inside her purse!

Now it is not because that elevator saves out time and energy that I love it more than my car.  No, there is something extraordinary about that confined space with revolving doors.   It is within that the ‘magic’ or in some cases the ‘trauma’ comes to live.  How many times have you been in an elevator by yourself and did your brain went blank and were you able to push out the tiring and brain twisting thoughts?

And I am sure that you know that hotel elevators turn out to be the most awkward and silent spot of your lodgings.  The strangers you end up meeting up can make you feel so out of place and most of the time you just hope to get out as soon a possible in order to make a run for the breakfast buffet. There is also the hospital elevator that will take your the life defining doctor’s appointments and you might even have whispered into one of those so typical mirrors ‘Don’ worry…all be well…all is going to be okay….just calm down.’  The moment the doors open up you snap out of it and go on with the real life. Or those times that you went down two to get back to your car in an underground parking after midnight and just hope that your car is still okay and that you will not run into strange behaving individual?  I am sure that most of you had similar experiences. 

But there is more to an elevator and people who made me aware of that are movie&tv series directors.  No it is not always the underground or the kitchen where the action takes or the most in depth conversations take place.  It is that iron cubicle people end stand up in each other ’s chiacras and always are skin to skin.  Where you might rub a shoulder of a stranger or touch a hand you are desperate to touch but she or he seems to be immune for the your smiles.  It is in there that many times the most intense moments take place.  In more than movie or series it is the lift that is used as the driving force behind some of the most memorable moments on the screen. 

For those who wonder what I mean here a few examples of ‘outstanding’ and in some cases even ‘marvelous’ lift moments:
-Tom Cruise and Kelly McGellis in ‘Top Gun’.  It is in there that they seem to come to terms with their feelings for each other.  The moment that he leans over to push the button and says:’I am glad we got that straight’ and uses that iconic Tome Cruise smile and pumps a bit more his biceps can still make me laugh out loud. 
-The numerous elevator conversations in Mad Men. It is in those short conversations that we find out what is going on behind the scenes. More than once I have changed my opinion about a character after a ride in elevator.  Oh yes, directors will admit that is a very good way to save out some money but elevators in Mad Men are crucial to the story line and are in a sense the most deep going part of the whole series. It are 59 times we get the spend with them inside an confined place and loved every second of these journeys.  Not that they always made things cleared but it is made my obsession with lifts even more intense. https://youtu.be/wSvnap7wvFc
-The elevator in Charlie and the Chocolate factory and that also is one of the most exciting ones I met up on paper.  That one and the one in Abeltje. Annie MG Schmidt and Ronald Dahl already knew the impact of an elevator ride and the power it withholds.  Every time the button was pushed it was like my emotions got an extra jumpstart!  Pure magic!
-And then those moments that Doctor Grey and Doctor 'McDreamy' are inside that littel space are also more memorable than when they scrubed in togethert.  In Grey’s anatomy it is surely that there these two characters go full on and that they open up.  That he proposes to her in there is perhaps the only ‘perfect’ place to do so. It is where for once have the sensation that they wish to be all by themselves. ‘When there is an crisis, you don’t freeze…you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forwards because you have seen worse.’, it are such strong lines inside of confined place and actually it only makes it sound so much powerful. Romance at it’s highest impact.  I just wonder how long it took the crew to put that elevator together! 
-That specific elevator ride that Christian Grey forgets about all the paperwork he is so strict about.  It is like as if the moment that the doors close he just looses all the control that he is so notorious and boast about.  He just lets all his fences down during that particular ride down.  'What is it about elevators?'-line is so cheesy and cliché but it does make so clear that the control freak surely has some spots that are beyond his control.  Don't start now that you are not aware of your own weaknesses or dark side, please don't. Your defense is futile when it is going down or up.
-There is the memorable elevator scene in ‘Serendipity’ that when I saw it for the very first time made me just yell at the screen.  That moment that they both push the same number we all know that this is too good to be true and that it does not work like that but against all odds you just hope.  Destiny and faith they are a bit more complicated in a Hollywood script but that the scriptwriter  decided to send in a child dressed up as the devil did make it stand out in the land of elevator rides.
https://youtu.be/ctAymN-ff6c
-Captain America who is in a big trouble the moment he notices that they have send in the troops while he going down and then says:’Before we get started does anyone want to get out?’  Politeness becomes an Avenger even when he ends up being ambushed in an elevator!  Loving that scene because trust is something very hard to come by in an elevator as it seems.
-The elevator rides Ryan Gosling takes with Carey Mulligan and during one suddenly goes in total overdrive. Personal for me one of the most iconic scenes every because the body language and power demonstrated gave me goosebumps. That moment you feel the tension rise and see that he already has seen it coming miles ahead before you.  It is then then Ryan Gosling his character becomes so much more than a driver with a dark side. Yes, that is a very violent one and it made me even fill up with disgust but still one of the best elevator scenes ever that just makes you wonder how much of life is decided inside of an elevator.

Now you might think that these are all pure fiction and that none of these things are likely to happen in real time.  Hmm…well honestly they do and I even know someone who proposed in an elevator.  Meaningful things, even life changing things happen in an elevator.  And one of my friends had a rather dull talk about the weather in an hotel elevator in Geneva and when he got out it was an friend who saw them both getting out and stood there with his mouth hopen. It was then that he found he had the pleasure to have been coming down in the company of James Bond allias Roger Moore!

Nope, it is not all fiction what takes place inside an elevator. Ask that also Senator Flake who last Friday ended up facing two very fierce ladies who got to talk to him right there in that particular spot. Maria Gallagher and Ana Maria Archill confrontated an American politician and expressed their opinion about what there is about to happen to women their body and mind.  There are tons of people out there who have a very outspoken opinion about the way the ‘opponent’ is dealing with the nominee for the Supreme Court of the United States. Personal I don’t think that many of us outside the US fully comprehend the impact of the supreme court on the daily lives of American citizens and at a certain level how it can influence our own moral compass and regulations.  It is ‘thanks’ to this power that even after Trump leaves the White House that his legacy lives on and will have an impact on millions of people.  These 9 people have got the power to overturn decisions they made before and that might not seem that big of a deal but believe me it is!  

So that two above mentioned women kind of ambushed a leading politician who was inside of an elevator was something that in itself surely stands out.  Senator Flake did Friday something that made many people wonder why he did what he did.  Not that he answered the questions that these fierce ladies spit at him.  Personal I think it also not were the questions only that matter in this case. It is rather what these women told him right into his face.  He has uphold power and he has got power…he is about to vote on a person who has got the ultimate power over society.  Flake going up and down the elevator is perhaps to best metaphor for what many politicians but also many of us must  experience when they are in limbo or are in doubt.  We will never know what Flake was going through once the door closed.  I am okay with that but it must have been a different than routine ride going down to the parking lot of the Senate building.

The thing is that when I get into an elevator I almost feel liberated and that some of the missing puzzle pieces seem to snap into place.  It is like the most neutral place where I seem to be still granted some private time to get my head around things. It is there that collision take place, that fireworks go off, that I dare to look straight into the mirror, that my face tells me what I might have been trying to hide, that my brain comes to a total standstill.  Going up or going down in an elevator has taken me to so many places and some of the insignificant rides have surely made the difference.  

Yes, I admit it that the Stallie who got into the elevator might not be the same one when once the doors open up again and I am forced to get out and snap back in the 'normal' routine.   You might never notice the difference but then I consider the elevator a kind of mental no man’s land…in case you ever get the pleasure of joining me on one of these unpredictable voyages then be aware you might be in for a ride of a life time!  I bet you know exactly what I mean…I bet you already some elevator experiences yourself.  Cherish them and make them count. It might be the only place where it all makes sense…where we come to terms with what we are given and what it taken away from us.

P.S: I am fully aware that British English is 'lift' but I did stick to 'elevator' for this entry.  Just for once and for the sake of the picture I selected to go along with this entry.

Pink Cupcakes

Week 3 back in the teaching trenches has just come to an end and the weekend is here! It is always a bit satisfying to wrap up a week and to look back with a smile.  Not that it has not been challenging.  Those who teach know that every new school year is in a way also picking up where you left and creating brand new chapters but now and then we do face doomsday.  The thing is that I have promised myself that I am rather going to focus on the positive things that my job offers me than the ones that cause me nightmares and heart burn.  Oh yes, I already had a few moments that I did wonder why I just do not have a magic wand.

The thing is that I have found out a few weeks ago while doing a little quiz that I have got the tendency to be very pessimistic and believe me this was one of those games that for ones was backed up by scientific number and statistics. I cringed at my result because I only scored 0!  Not proud of that but it did kind of confirmed but I do have the tendency to be very pessimistic and the moment that I feel joy or wish to jump into the air I will find something that will cause rain on my parade.  It is in my genes and that in combination with the media and all the negative news that is spreading like a disease I do have these days that I do wonder if I even should try. 

Many teachers I know are very strict with themselves.  The ‘best’ teachers I had myself were not the ones that always smiles on their face but they managed to stimulate me to dive into some things that at first sight seemed rather boring but once when you dove in and went along with them you entered a total different world.  None of them ever forced me but the ones that made me work hard, giving it an other try, look further, loan an extra book from the library on the subject, gave me some extra time to push the barrier that are the ones that I am now grateful and I am quite sure that they also had those rather gloomy days…we all do!  Still there is a lot to be grateful and within those sunny moments there is so much energy to find that you know that that is what can make the difference. 

So here we go….Over the last 3 weeks I have been so grateful for

-The enthusiasm and eagerness that students demonstrate when they have a lesson of Dutch.  As many of you know is it ‘only’ an one hour subject for the UP students that I teach at my educational hotspot.  Still the sincere outburst of joy when they see my coworker U or me walk in that is so heart warming.  It still can bewilder me and yes it is an energy boost.
-The smiles and great formal and less formal talks I had with my coworkers on each level.  It can still amaze what the impact of good conversation is and how it can influence your work attitude.  Inside a classroom you do end up on your own but it are the other teachers who can so much break or make the overall moral where you try to teach.  Therefor I am so grateful that I did already felt that I have enough ears and shoulders to turn to in case of melt down or outburst of sheer happiness that I wish to share with fellow teachers.
-Those special moments that you find out that teaching does have an impact and that things are not just for the sake of saying and hoping against all odds. That during one of my students I suddenly witnessed some of my younger students picking up trash without having told to so made me feel so happy.  Yes, they had been an assembly about keeping the campus clean and taken care and joined responsibility but that is not a guarantee that the the transfer between the assembly hall and the play ground goes smoothly.
-The very powerful moments that students go beyond that what you hoped for.  It is in these first weeks back that you find out how much did ‘stick’ and how much has ‘vanished’.  Nothing can make me a happier than a student that just can not hold back by calling out ‘we have covered this last year!’.  Yes, the curse of teaching a foreign language for one hour ‘only’ is challenging when when it comes down to getting students to remember words and grammatical structures we one in a long ago past talked and filled in worksheets about.  Spontaneous ‘confessions’ of students are sometimes the ultimate icing on the cake.
-The holiday stories students and parents share with you and what they have managed to with their language knowledge.  That there are positive outcomes of language learning is not something that is scientifically questioned but still I have my doubts that many of my students find the time and place to put their Dutch into practice. When I am told that they have taken their learning outside the classroom and ended up using at a museum, restaurant or summer camp I am very proud of them.
-The work-family balance that is so fragile but you seem to be able to keep up 3 weeks further down the line.  That my time table is very nice mix between loaded and rather light days with enough time to plan and sort out urgent administration and other issues that have landed up in the mailbox is surely something that I am grateful for. 
-The interesting books, articles and stories that I have read so far have proven there is still enough out there in the educational world.  Despite all the negative press and everlasting debate that teaching is rather something for those who can’t are there enough positive vibes going on in the educational orbit.  That I have ‘sacrifice’ some of my ‘free’ time in order to find out more about them is something that I so far have not regretted for a single second.  On the contrary it has given me more energy and contentment.
-The presence of online support that comes sometimes in disguise of a good joke or an extra pat on the shoulders.  I signed up this year for a buddy support the light version but also plan to try out something new closer to home.  So far I can just state that it are those little messages that sometimes can pull me back up. 
-The sweet moments and breaks that students or coworker celebrate with you their birthday and bring along treats or that U brings along one of her amazing baking experiments.  I have say that the gluten free biscuits surely surprised my taste buds.  Also a strawberry dipped in chocolate and chocolates in a box to choose from are only a few of the unexpected delights that have brought some extra happiness into my first three weeks.
-The late summer days that have brightened up some of rather early and painful awakenings and made the transition between facing reality a bit more bearable and smoother. The extra intake of vitamin D is surely a delightful treat. Rain is on the forecast for the days to come but the sunshine we had they can’t take away from me. 
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I know that there are harder days looming around the corner…all it sometimes takes is one less ‘good’ lesson or a mail that sounds almost like a dead threat to make all the above void.  But there is always light at the end of the tunnel and I have some extra ticks and tips to rely on in case of an emergency. Plus that I have made some promises that I very much wish to keep because in the long run they will make the school year so much more fun and bearable for myself and the ones around me.  In case you do end up with rather the dark sided Stallie than be aware of that one poster that is up on my noticing board, that one can make all trouble go away:’Why yes, a pink cupcake will fix everything!  Works miracles for me, every single time…but foremost I also try to keep in mind that in the end ‘nothing lasts forever we have only have what we remember.’ That is how our brains works and teachers are surely specialist in that!  My students fully agree with that as well...ask them about the pink cupcake poster... ;-)

PS: I love Anggun her voice.  I do prefer her rather in French but this song can make me move around in my kitchen and does also make me focus on what I should remember in order to see the positive side of many things.