the white van

My blog backfired and I am quite devasted by it. Because it was nothing I was prepared for. Seems that even when you think that you have covered every angle of a story that you seem still have forgotten a tiny little detail.

It is not that when I embarked on this blog adventure I was unaware of the downsides of throwing some rather personal stuff on the world wide web. I had made some promises about the privacy of many. I would never cross a certain line. In case I would get other people involved in story lines then I would never call them by their full names. Easy job! Or at least that was what I thaught. Because today I got hit right between the eyes and right into the heart.

While I was absorbing the content of the rather down the earth writen reply my body started to ache. Because then you suddenly know that you can't do anything anymore to take it back. My first reaction was to delete my whole blog. Was temped a first time last month but that is a whole different story. But then my brain started to work a bit more efficiently!

Writing a story you can do it in many ways. I could have sticked to the safe way of blogging. Just the facts, the numbers, the figures and some images. Nothing more, nothing less. But hey, that is not me and it would never have worked for me. I am a very emotional person and I do carry my heart on my sleeve. I do have very strong preferences for human beings who show empathy and do something unconditionally. The moment that I get interaction my mind is triggered. It can be in the funniest places or at most outraged moment ever.

When I started out it even occured to me that there was nobody going to read this stuff. But I did not care. It was going to be 'Up, close and Personal' and what you were going to read was what you would get when you would ever get the opportunity to meet me in the flesh. Most of this stuff I would tell you at an open fire place, if given the opportunity!

The people who read my blog sometimes tell me that they do sometimes read the newspaper wondering if I am picking up the same vibes. 'Are you smelling a story?'-attitude pure sang. Well, in some cases it works wonderfully. I do come across some current affairs that scream to get the personal treatment but there are also the hidden gems, the more personal items.

In case you wonder what I look like while I am typing away: very focused, sometimes magazines or newspapers close by, a drink and some music plugged between my ears. I can then get lost in time and place. It takes me to the core of my mind and feelings. P does make comments about this sometimes rather less interactive moment we end up in the living room together. He then faces a partner who is taking a break but at the same time is refocussing on what truely matters in my life.

People that now feel busted or offended by what I write should perhaps refocus and take some distance. I try to do that constantly when I create my personal reflections. I have promised myself that I would never hurt people or talk bad about certain individuals who just can't help themselves. It is not my style.

Believe me then this blog would contain tons of foul language. Stallie can be very upset, screaming her heart out and feeling so let down by people. It is sometimes very appealing to use this open white space to get it then into the open. My better half of my still wins me over and the little red devil sitting on my left shoulder is still ignored.

Up till today P never read a single entry and I never made him because I did not see the necessity of it. P knows me, he travels along through life and is the witness of many down fall moments of his Stallie. This guy knows how I stand to certain people, values, principles and objects in my life. In his presence no words are needed.

While I was standing in the kitchen and he was sitting there behind his computer reading a certain entry (and the reaction to it and it that exact order) my heart was going wild. I was anxious to find what he would get out of the words, what the essence of them is, what I was trying to point out. When he was finished he looked over and wrapped up the whole essence in one nice sentence. Surprisingly it was the exact message I was aiming for. P is a scientist, works with numbers and focusses on the details. He can strip down many things to the bare essentials.

P first told me that this is the net and that it can backfire constantly. He even pointed out that I had to start thinking of taking a break of blogging. At that moment I was ready to do so! But strangely enough he was the one who then pointed out that this was not fair on me. He then made me some very nice compliments. People who know P know that he does not have them in abundance.

The rest of the day I was not myself. I even dived into pool to get back into balance and you can be sure that while I was swimming my mind was racing. While I was standing under the shower I felt that this blogadventure had caused some grief to others, including myself! P was then one who pointed out my true feelings about this whole painful incident:'You are feeling dissapointed, don't you?' I nodded and wanted to walk on:"You are dissapointed in them! You considered them smarter then this. That they would have filtered out of your story the exact feelings you were after!' It then hit my right between the eyes that was the essence of what had happened. Nothing more, nothing less.

P.S: P was the one who made me write this entry and he came up with the title!