Happy Easter!!!

There is so much I want to write about.
There are so many emotions that are for the moment active inside of me.
There is so much joy around of me that it is contagious.
There are so many good friends to share to good times with.
There is still the home that I can return home to.
There is the sun that fires me up.
There is white wine and bottles of champagne chilling in the fridge just in case that you might pass by.
There is my little camera with the visible proof that the last few weeks were for sure unforgetable.
There is my pair of pink ballerina shoes with which I danced with for hours under the stars.
There is my tube of sun screen that I applied with a big smile on my face.
There is the smell of spring flowers when I walk through my mum's house.
There is my huge collection of chocolate waiting to be dived into.
There is my lovely other significant one who looks awesome in his new blue shirts.
There is my godchild E who made me 'smile with my liver'.
There is the sound of birds when walk to the bakery for freshly baked croissants.
There is the needle that hits my chi.
There is the breathtaking golden treasure of Tut.
There is the ride in the nice car of P.
There are the colorful trees filled up with cottonballs and ready to huged.
There is little iPod Nano that spiced up my life music wise.
There is my metro ticket that brought me to some nice places in Brussels.
There is my stack of books that still enables to surprise me.
There is red of delicious sweet strawberries on my t-shirt.
There is my new wardrobe that proofs that I did 'change' a bit.
There are sandals lying in to hall ready to be tripped over.
There is the smell of barbecue in the air when I open the window in the evening.
There are purple and yellow tulips brightening up my living room.
There is A who wakes me up with a big kiss on my nose.
There is so much..... to be grateful for on this very sunny Easter morning.


One look over my shoulders and I can for sure state that was one incredible nice Spring break. Today we celebrate life and new beginnings. I believe that the paschal mystery is something we humans can experience inside of ourselves. Besides all the misery and pain and other troubles that show up in our dialy lives there is this undefinable power inside of us that can lift us up. Today I am very grateful for what I have received in my life. Yes, I kept my lentpromise that I would only start to enjoy chocolate on this particular day. So Easter bunny you better show up very soon because this year it is not only A who can't wait to start egg racing!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Alive And Kicking

I am about to hug every single tree I come across and at the same time I wish to slam a few doors. This morning I told P what I was experiencing. For the moment Stallie would like to run a marathon and at the same time she just wishes to show the finger at her own reflection in the mirror. Spring is the air and Stallie is restless! All the energy that is bundled up in her seems not to find the right exit. Or it only seems to come out drop by drop.

It is like I am dragging along an IV-bag. Its drip that can cause myself hanging out at the dark and the light side and this at the same side. It is like a drug that I seem not to be able to resist and at the same time wish to spit out in order to get rid of the bitter sweet aftertaste.

Stallie feels alive and kicking, but this also means that she is having a hard time. I still don't manage to let go according to A. Yes, he planted 9 needles into my skin and twisted them around. You can be sure that I did feel them. The ones in my toes made me get goosebumps and one that was resting peacefully in my neck made me pulling funny but painful faces.

So I am having this love and hate relationship with my innerself. It is hard to explain to others. Because it is something that is so hard to put down in words. How in the world to I find the right words when it comes down to describing the most complex feeling that Stallie experiences when she does feel alive.

Fully alive! One look at the colorful trees that carry their white and pink blossoms makes me smile. I then wish to touch those every single of them. But I do not dare because one touch might disturb the fragile relationship that the pedals have with the branch. So I just stare at them and mindtravel.

Then it happens that Stallie might get lost in a very far off place where not many are granted access to. My senses are awakened and then I seem to lose it all together! I then want to jump of a roof into icecold water but at the same time wish to wrap myself into a very thick quilt to get warm again. The cool spring perfume that hits my nose in the morning makes me drive faster but at the same time I then wish to parc my car on a deserted parking lot and cry. This for no particular reason what so ever. The sunlight that hits the windows of my classroom guarantees my pupils a homework free evening. At the same time I feel so empty when I close the door of my classroom that I am about to colapse right there and give in! I desperately wish to plant my feet in the morning dew that is resting peacefully out there on the freshly cut grass but I do stay away because I do not wish to break any magical spell that might be at work out there in mysterious ways!

I am so grateful for the seasons but it also means that I suddenly am back out on an emotional rollercoaster. One without brakes and so I do not know when it will come to an end. No warning signs along this road. What might come across my road might make me laugh out loud or weep that I am about to use every single tissue I can find in my Mary Poppins bag. And yes, I even am tempted to slap some people right in the face when I think they deserve so. At the other hand I would run after each hurt animal with all the band aids I can find.

Chances are that when you would walk into my kitchen while I am doing the washing up that I am headbanging along some teenage music and sing totaly of key along. At the other hand I might have plugged in my headphones and be listening to the Requiem by Mozart and tears gliding down my cheeks. If I would have a horse close by I would be galloping in black beauty style down the beach while the seabreeze hits my face. At other hand I am about to wander around aimlessly in a very dark forest not knowing what is ahead, the cold sweat breaking out.

Uhm, Stallie, borderline? No, trust me that it is not! It more like my buddies Ying and Yang have decided to show me what powers are at work inside of me. The awakening nature seems to get Stallie out of her hibernating status. My senses are then very sharp and I am then more then ever aware of the very fragile state that I live in. Grateful I am then when I take a very good look at what I see. Not only what is close by and I can touch but also what I was granted to see, touch, feel, taste, experience, smell at some very special and specific moments of my life.

The best way to perhaps to get your head around is picturing Stallie trying to keep her balance on a slack rope that is out there high up in the sharp blue sky. In one hand I am holding a little umbrella with rainbow colors and the other one I am holding a red rose of which the red petals will fall of the moment I move to much. And the other image is Stallie out there in a cool sailing boat sailing away with on board all the people she holds close to her heart. I am then ready to Titanic style to be Rose and just let go and take very deep breaths.

In case you wonder if this a bad state to be in? I don't think so. It just is so hard to explain to others what I feel! If there was a way to let you travel along I would let you get on board. Still, I am kind of sure that many people out there to get my message, know what I am after. So, in case you wish to travel along but don't trust the captain I can asure there are enough life rafts on board in case you want to travel back to safer and calmer 'mind'-shores. 'All aboard!'

P.S.:Two songs that for sure express my innerstate: a golden oldie (Yes, you see it right that is Kate Cattrall!) and a modern 21st century girl with a warm voice.

'I've Got You Under My Skin!'

Thank the lord, it is Spring Break! I am still catching my breath and I have moments that I still think that I am heading back to my classroom this coming Monday. Uhm, kind of going through detox. It did help to have been back to that cool salsabar and have a few colorful drinks with an exotic touch to them.

So yes, I wrapped up 2nd term succesfully. The least I can say about it that it has been a rather eventful term. Not a single day was the same and some very unpredictable things happened in my classroom. A room that I do like to call my professional homefront and where I manage to get my best results.

Not all days were a big hit and qualified to be called a hit. Nope! Some made my mind racing wild and I had some nightmares about some certain events. At the other hand it was this semester that I got challenged so much more because of my special projects that I got involved into. Yes, I am now a teacher on two fronts and on a call. LOVE IT! Let me stay focused and also putting things in the right perspective. When I walk now out one of the classroom where I have been trying to teach some kid something I do feel so much more then a year ago.

But I am mentaly tired out! And nope there has still not passed one week without a headache. On that part I still have some work to cover. 'Stallie, just let go!', is A, my caring but very straight forward manual therapist his favorite sentence when he is trying to 'unlock' me! He might call in the help of some needles to get his point across! Well, show me what you have got!

In the last 13 years I have learned so much about teaching that it makes my head spinn. Yes, just like in most other professional fields you can always learn more and trying to get better. Also do people who choose for the educational world do know that you come across many teachers and kids. It is a very colorful world with many hidden treasures. Many kids will manage to get the best out of you and in exchange they will show the best they have stored away for some special days.

But it is not the land of milk and honey! For sure it also has got those days that you might want to pull out the plug and run for a deserted island and start to doubt about the educational powers you have been granted! It happened to me this week. I was not happy when I saw the 'hurt' kid in front of me standing there with the terror in his/her eyes. I can tell you that these eyes even managed to paralyse me. For a split second I just was glued to the floor. It scared the hell out of me what I got to see and what I felt in that split second. And yes, I wanted to get as fast as possible out of MY classroom. The room where I am supposed to be the boss, the guide, the motivator and the one in charge.

Uhm, I openly admit here that at that moment I lost all my self confidence and that I just was going blind. And yes, I was about to fall on my knees for the person who just happened to walk in and kind of managed to get things back under control. Still, as you can guess, this eventful day in class was enough to get my unbalanced. It was all that I took to kind of erase the progress that I mentaly had made.

It frustrates me deeply when I seem to have triggered a kid and let him/her pass over to his/her dark side of his/her personality. Then I feel responsible for not having seen the signs early enough and prevented the outburst that destroys so much more then perhaps some material. And okay in most cases I might not even have been the reason of his/her otuburst. Still it hurts me deeply because I care...

Okay, I am not Dumbledore! So then I also don't consider myself as one of these teachers that is already experienced enough to read all the signs and know all the trics out of the book. But I do think that I am a bit prepared to deal with some less nice effects of teaching special ed kids. Still when the heat goes on, then you suddenly feel so vulnerable. You then see a kid, that you do consider your responsibility between office hours. So yes, Stallie did that afternoon have an after shock and did try to analyse what happened and even tried to travel along in the brain of this kid.

And yes, I was about to call my insurance company to sign up for that special coverage that they have got for teachers. But then I came to think of the fact that this extra insurance would not have saved me or the kid. It does not make a difference when something like this happens. I would have still gotten caught up in the same situation and still have walked out of my room dealing with the same feelings and questions and I would have still needed to catch my breath.

So I guess that A will have some work to do when I walk into his practice on Monday. Bring on that needle because I do think that it might make a difference to go under my skin this time. Because yes, it still lingers around a bit in my mind. Such things do make me a bit more experienced but also it left a scar in a spot that hides so many deeper feelings. But it is also that spot that I do hope inspires my teaching. Okay, the teaching got under my skin and it sometimes will drive me into despair and makes me run totaly insane.

Sounds like I am already in a very serious relationship! One that takes me to many places! For the moment I am out 'on the beach' and having a cuba libre and taking very deep breaths. Cheers! Happy spring break you!!!


God Created The First Teacher

On the 6th day, God created men and women.
On the 7th day, he rested.
Not so much to recuperate, but rather to prepare himself for the work he was going to do on the next day.
For it was on this day – the 8th day that God created the First Teacher.
This Teacher, though taken from among men and women, had several significant modifications.
In general, God made the Teacher more durable than other men and women.
The Teacher was made to arise at a very early hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 p.m. – with no rest in between.
The Teacher had to be able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight classroom for six hours with thirty-five “monsters” on a rainy Monday.
And the Teacher had to be fit to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation. Yes, God made the Teacher tough…but gentle too.
The Teacher was equipped with soft hands to wipe away the tears of the neglected and lonely student…of those of the sixteen-year-old girl who was not asked to the prom.
And into the Teacher God poured a generous amount of patience.
Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the Teacher has just repeated for someone else.
Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the fourth day in a row.
Patience when one-third of the class fails the test.
Patience when the text books haven’t arrived yet, and the semester starts tomorrow.
And God gave the Teacher a heart slightly bigger than the average human heart.
For the Teacher’s heart had to be big enough to love the kid who screams, “I hate this class—its boring!” and to love the kid who runs out of the classroom at the end of the period without so much as a “good-bye,” let alone a “thank you.”
And lastly, God gave the Teacher an abundant supply of HOPE.
For God knew that the Teacher would always be hoping.
Hoping that the kids would someday learn how to spell…
hoping not to have lunchroom duty…
hoping that Friday would come…
hoping for a free day…
hoping for deliverance.
When God finished creating the Teacher, he stepped back and admired the work of his hands. And God saw that the Teacher was good. Very Good!
And God smiled, for when he looked at the Teacher, he saw into the future.
He knew that the future is in the hands of the Teachers.
And because God loves Teachers so much, on the 9th day God created “Snow Days.”

Author Unknown

My Autism Puzzle

I survived April Fools day but not unharmed. A plastered (without me noticing!)a cut out fish on my back and then someone on Twitter managed to make me believe something that was rather 'impossible' to know. P analysed that Tweet in a nanosec and then started to LOL and then I felt so stupid for a nanosec. But at least some people got the crack out of naive Stallie.

Can I perhaps call in as an excuse that I was so tired of dragging along 9 attention demanding kids? Stallie was so happy that she had survived that project day at work without having to call in the SWATs but I was tired out by 4 pm. I even had fun and this even with having to put up with group #13. I can tell you that felt a bit like a curse on a Friday and this on April Fools Day. But yes, I had fun!

It are these days that I do feel at a my best as a teacher. I then need a bit more cheering to come lose but once I start to run and start to cheer for a pupil to make that meet it feels so good. The high five you get from a kid and the very sincere smile that flashes into your face can make you forget all the bad moments you experienced the last weeks.

Okay, some will still need to be cheered on a bit more because they seem to know only one sentence:'I can't do this!' 'Hey, come on you have still not tried. So we try together and then we can see if you are not able to do so!' I can tell you that surprisingly enough most kids need that extra encouragement. It is not linked to a certain handicap.

I bet that most of us have used or will still use that sentence once in a while. So do I. I even used it a few times on that special project day but I then came to think of the fact that I first had to try and then call it the day. Yes, on these days you need to be more then just a teacher who tries to get some facts across or teach them something about the world out there. It takes then more then a piece of chalk and a grading system to motivate them and make them do something extra.

Teaching special ed is to me still every day a challenge. When I gratuated as an English teacher I felt that this was something I truly wanted to do. I did not wanted to end up in an averge classroom filled up with teenage kids who are just meeting up with the puberty monster. Nope! It seemed that I needed something extra to be the best teacher I could possibly wanted to be or at least try to be.

So about 14 years ago I walked into a very special world, a world that changed everything that I had so for been thaught about education. Because that year I was given the opportunity to get into the world of Autism. 'If you can teach those kids you will be able to teach most kids out there!', this wise-looking principal told me. For a second I was in a panic. Because I had not expected to meet up with kids with Autism in a school for hear impaired kids.

But then it seemed that he gave an extra oppportunity to get close to something I did only knew from one single movie:'Rainman'. And that was about an adult so I had never in my life met a child with autism. So opportunity knocked on my door! And I decided to open that door but it was for sure with a shaky attitude!

In one year I got to learn so much about the world that I live in and the stuff I take for granted. It was strange to experience suddenly that not all of us seem to be able to tackle successfully many 'normal' actions. On top of that I suddenly became aware of how many 'stuff' we just undertake unconsciously. It was this group of lively and at the same time 'mysterious' kids who thaught me some very important lessons about life.

In my work environment and in my social life I do now meet up with Autism daily. I can not imagine a world without. In a way it has given me so much more then I hoped for. Not that is all milk and honey! Nope!! There is not a cure out there and there are no magic spells or potions you can use. In my honest opinion there also not exists something as the typical 'autistic' child or adult. We are all unique human beings. We all come along with our own personal manual. But these ones hide them very well. It is like they prefer to play hide and seek instead of just handing over everything on a silver platter.

The last decennia the word of Autism seems to be more present in most layers of society. When I get e-letter of educational publishers at least one book will be dealing with Autism, there are more and more specialists out who want to help you out, you can sign up for workshops almost every week if you want to, if you google the word you will need an other life-time to get through all the hits that show up on your screen and even on Twitter there are some amazing links to be found dealing with this subject.

For someone who wrote her final dissertation on social skills and autism I must say that the awaresness of Autism is booming. But is the world of today an eassier world for people with autism then at that time? Well, I can't tell. Even for 'normal' (what is in word?) functioning people it seems that this globe became a bit more complex to understand. So what must it then be for these kids and adults?

Stallie loves her job and when I find out that one of her pupils is dealing with autism her heart does open up. Not that I feel sorry for them. it is not compassion that I then experience. No, it is something I just can not put my finger on. These kids are my daily wake-up call they are keep me focused and sharp. They point out to me that there is so much more then meets the eye. That it is hard work to make it work and to let it make sense.

Yesterday, on the 2nd of April, it was World Autism Awareness Day! I don't know if you have been aware of it? I don't think so. Most people with Autism don't walk around with that word printed on their body or wear a t-shirt telling you that they are 'special' and need special treatment. Most kids I know dealing with autism try to hide it or are putting into practice the tons of survival techniques they have been thaught by mostly non-autistic adults!

13 years ago right after graduating from college someone said to me:'Seems that you have picked up a lot of stuff in your special ed studies but I wonder what you have picked up from your pupils?' I stood there and then it hit me that they had thaught me so much more then I could ever wish for. They still do and they are not even aware of it! So, right here & now I wish to thank all the people (of all ages and sizes and colors and cultural backgrounds) for what they have given me... THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!

P.S.: Puzzle pieces are the perfect chosed symbol for Autism. In a way we all are trying to put together our own puzzle. How many pieces have you already picked up of your own puzzle and put in the right place? Well please be so kind and don't forget to once in a while pick of piece for someone dealing with Autism! Their puzzle might be the key to your much more inspiring puzzle!