It is October and I am wearing sunny clothes. My skin feels rather warm, I am bare feet and my sunglasses are almost constantly on while I am outside. A few moments ago P drove with me through the hills of sunny Overijse where the last delicious grapes are hanging in the numerous greenhouses. It was a gorgeous view and I was drifting of to a place where I can come fully to rest. Today I sucked up all the vitamin D that I could in order to survive to wet and cold Autumn weather that is looming around the corner. Even this entry is typed while sitting outside and feelign a light breeze getting under my summer outfit. I LOVE THIS!!!
The month September was at work rater hectic but at the same time it did bring me some happy moments. Not that I am all over the moon. Just that teaching wise I managed to find back the paste that I need in order to function. Also are now most of the new faces already becoming regulars. Okay, I still manage to mix up some names but that makes others then produce smiles. Smiles that are genuine and can be oxygen for the brain.
Speaking of the brain. Mine is constantly going in overtime. Mindfulness was not on for a while but the last week I got the great help of the sun. It can play a very important part in finding back your innerself. It seems to fill up the whole sky and creates wonderful images that can make your heart smile. Even when you are having a major cold like me it seems to have the power to get you back in shape. Now my brain is back in a modus vivendi that I so much prefer to the one that can make me run out of energy. Okay, there are moments that I just am about to throw in the towel and just ran off to the North Pole where nobody easily can find me. This weather for sure helps to get Stallie back where she prefers to hang out once in a while.
Yes, I am the restless kind. I can panic when I can not find my car keys, or when I am running five minutes late for a dentist appointment, feel bad when I have to say no to people that I wish to help out more often then I possibly can, I can start to yell when P suddenly changes fixed plans for no obvious reason,..... Stallie then goes in overdrive and then even in the ballet studio the effect is noticable. I then forget that once I slip into my ballet shoes and have to create fluent movements that are in total harmony that my 'on-the-run'-mind will be 'punished' sooner or later.
Because yes, after a month Stallie is still going strong once she gets into the ballet studio. Sometimes I need to pull myself together to drive down there because it is facing also the fact that I am growing old. But ballet turns out to be an excellent way to unplug the mind-machine and just focus on what truely matters. I just need to pay attention that I then don't lose that focus out of sight. Because last week I just slightly turned a bit to much without 'spotting' on the orange cane that is not a xmas ornament standing out there. I ignored it and just went blindly out there. No focus what so ever. Result: by the time I got back a major migraine attack had found its way in and even made me end up on the couch with next to me a bucket for just in case....
I know damn well what I sometimes fail to do. Yes, I do know that I have got problems to let bygones be bygones. My mind can be triggered at the most awkward moments, places and occasions. What it does to me is not always fun to watch because then I am just not the happy teacher, mother and life companion or friend that I wish to be 24/24. It is then that I sometimes despise myself.
It is not that I have not find yet the puzzle pieces to my own personal character-puzzle. But there are some unresolved issues that I just first have to come to peace with. And not just five minutes of a day, or when I am enjoying a good meal at a romantic restaurant or when I am catching shrimps (felt like I was out in one of these Zen-gardens!) at the bay of the Somme or when P opens op the roof of his shiny sports car and takes us out for nice ride,.... Nope! I want to be able to make it work for most of the time. I want my personal mantra to work efficiently and in times of hardship. I just seem to have forgotten that this costs also energy and time.
Today I decided to close my eyes when I was outside and just empty my mind and just let go. What I found was an amazing feeling that I would like to bottle up and then save it for the more gloomy, dark, cold and wet days that are heading my way. I would love to have it in case of an emergency. A magical mindfulness Elixer so to speak.
But perhaps that is just a bit to much to ask for. For now I am going to have to settle for a Zen garden in mini version. So do not be surprised if I suddenly put up a small tray with sand, small rocks and a rack. I just then want to be on my own and drift off in order to find sense of order and a spirit of stillness and calm. You are always welcome to join up with a rack of your own but please stay out of my way or I might hit you with a rock. Oeps, seems that I am still not calmed down!
P.S.: Yes, such a tiny Zen garden would be a perfect gift for many of us. Including me! Hint, hint, hint! P are you by any chance reading along? In case you wonder what this zen garden looks like:
P.S2: I listen sometimes to music that calms me down and Gregorian music can do that to me. This is rather the modern version of some older pop songs. Some of us will consider it a kind of 'rape' but it is the sound that counts and that can make me get into my medidation mode.
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