It is April and April fools day has just chased by and I got out of unharmed besides a few stickers that were attached by a some very eager students who wanted to show me that they did dare to challenge me. Yes, they got a few laughs out of me...
I have not been around in this space for quite some time. Was this intend or rather coincendence? Well, honestly I can not tell... The car accident did trigger something strong in my mind and on top of that did my 40th birthday also seem to be the beginning of a very excicted but at times also hectic 41st year. The world has been treating my kind for the last few months and even tough that I do seem to be cursed car wise because last week my new car (and it is one of my dream cars that I drive now) got kissed by a Merc. It was not a happy encounter but fortunately I was on my way to the that one person who seems to calm me down by the power of his hands.
Still, today I did reflect about something that I hardly have not mentioned again and that is if I miss my old job and if I am content with what I have got instead what I am longing for. Yes, the wish list or the bucket list is still around in my mind.... But some things did change in my life for the better. That I two years ago did send in my CV in the hope to find a new educational challenge was for me a very crucial moment in my life... It was almost like now or never...
The now is still the now and I have to be honest that I do have days that I do long back to that one special spot where I took my educational baby steps and where I did learn so much from others. Yes, there are days that I am quite curious to know how everybody is holding up the fortress while I am running across the campus of my new educational hot spot. Sometimes voices of my former co-workers echo in my mind while I trying to come up with a new lesson plan or sometimes I even try to imagine what one of them would have said or done if they would be in my situation. They are still in my mind and mentally they even walk along with me when I face certain challenges.
The thing is that the last year and a half my life has changed in a very profound way. What I have found out about myself has made a bit different to the teacher that I used to be but perhaps other around me already did know this about me. More then once people did tell me something about me that did take me by surprise. A few weeks ago a very good and someone who also knew me when I was a high school student myself and not passing all the test and exams I took in my life used that one word that defines me in a very profound way but also makes me feel so fragile at times. 'C, we are talking here about passion... what you have for your profession is passion...' and she looked at me with her typical face and her sincere smile.
Passion, that is now one of these words that I love in many ways because yes, I do try to bring it out in whatever I do. Not that it always works but at least I try.... Not that the world I face on a daily basis always agrees with me. Yes, I am fully aware that there are certain forces at work out there that are rather hard to battle and that I am only a tiny spot on this globe. But hey, I have made a few pledges to myself and to some people that care about and even love no matter what. Plus there is something else that for the moment keeps me up on my toes and very busy. I still believe strongly in the instinct that life will give me in return what ever I invested in it.
So far 2014 has been for me a very emotional rollercoaster one with some unforgettable ups but also rather painful and harsh downs. Stallie still is fully aware that her dark side can pop up at any second and GERD has still it is sour way to communicate what she thinks about my well being. But my nails, ladies and gentlemen, my nails those seem to be hanging in there. Yes, I am winning the fight with my urge to bite into them when I feel like I am about to hit a wall or when I seem to be running out of juice. One look at that result (and the finishing touch of a beautician who is very strict with me) that I managed and the patience I already had put into those nails kept me back of doing what I normaly would do...
But somethings were a bit more challenging and I am not just talking about turning 40 and facing that fact that I am mortal and that from now on some things will go down hill. Not that seems to be the easy part. It is more trying to stay in balance with myself, my job, my family, my social life (including my social media or dare to call it virtual life) and some things that I care about.... One of them is dancing and that is not that easy. Stallie needed to find back why she in the world ever decided to go back to that ballet studio where she would be every week challenged by her ballet teacher but also by her mental state and her motor skills.
Out there in front of a mirror while my feet tried to make coordinated movements with my arms, knees I did seem to face my biggest challenge. Tuesdays are a killer when it comes down to work, photocopying, running, breathing, teaching, smiling my way through lesssons with less willingly individuals who suddenly disagree with learing a new language or keep up my respectful posture when one of students thinks he/she can tackle a literature course without keeping up his/her reading. Tuesday is my ultimate rat race and then I try to beat time in order to make it to Leuven and jump into my black leotard and slip into my ballet shoes. The moment that I drag myself into that room full of mirrors I feel like a zombie who would rather crash into couch and hide under a duvet. Getting the picture here...
This year my ballet teacher challenged me and he was after perfection. In a few weeks I need to pull out every single move I have in my body and move synchronized on a stage. He is after fairies and he does hope that we can show grace, elegance, style and be smooth.... This talented ballet dancer/chorographer has got a great vision that he tries to come alive on stage. Well, Stallie did screw up big time the last few months. Right and left constantly got messed up in my mind. Stretching my toes and my turn outs were nowhere to be noticed. Even classmates suddenly noticed that I not always easily react to change. Well, ladies and gentlemen, one look at Stallie out there and you would see that she is going in overdrive...
Yes, I almost wanted to give into that one force that I has pushed me out of the ballet world. The one force that then will then take possesion of me. The thing is that this lady wants to dance and not just dance one hour a week. I now even will start to make dance movements while I am out on the street. Yes, life should come with background music! So it is not that I don't want to dance anymore but it did seem that my body and my mind were after a dance-break.
Well, my ballet teacher did not grand me that break. His face said it all when I told him that I just had other things on my mind instead of dancing... Instead he tried to point out something to me that I was trying to ignore. Something that I deep down know he is so right about. Something that dancers are fully aware. Something that makes you long for the next dance step even if it hurts. Pain and dancing not always seem to fit in my mind but perhaps I always did up till now picked the eassier way out of the ballet studio when change was around the bend. I had done it before and I knew exactly what it would cause me. Honestly I have not intentions to go back to that place because dancing there has got no air time....
His words and body language I did copy clearly. And when I that night walked out of the ballet school there were certain words that still echoeing in my mind. Pain on stage I have never ever experienced it. I am not talking about the physical pain here because I even encounter that when I am just tackling a routine lesson. The dance instructor was aiming at a different kind of pain one that I hardly ever given a spot in my dancing world. Why? Because I just couldn't imagine them both cooperating and coexisting. So the week after I stood there and my mind was in overdrive and my body did seem to have a harder time finding it's balance and I just ruined most of my piques. Half of time I did seem to run of breath or was a count too slow. But I have not given in and thank the lord this last week it did all look it a bit more decent. Did I again feel more at ease and did I feel more like a dancer...
Next week I need to be ready mentally to get on stage and not feeling that 100% at ease but being able to push out for about 3 minutes all my balast and just dance. It might hurt and it might not feel that natural but I already have experienced in the last few weeks that what my ballet teacher is after does make sense. It is not even rocket science but I guess that it took a 5 minute speech of a dancer who has gone through a lot more then I ever did but hey, I have got a job, a family, my mental health, a laundry basket that resembles the Himalaya, a never ending to do-list and I have to be honest dancing was not a priority on there the last few months.
So I had to get back in there and tyring to refocus on what matters inside the walls of a ballet studio. And believe most of the tings that I have mentioned here above don't. There is no space for those. But there is so much that is allowed in. That it took me a strict ballet teacher to point it out to me. Because I had for few minutes forgotten all about that one particular saying that does matter in the world of dancing and even in general:'Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... It's learning to dance in the rain.'
A big thank you to my ballet teacher B who managed to keep me in check!!!! Sorry that I lost that dancing feeling/loving feeling for a minute or two...
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