Crimbo Limbo

‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.’

This could be basically my Christmas entry for this year.  Not that I was after quoting Dickens but I have to be honest this year it seems to be a bit harder than normal.  Oh yes, I am fully aware that I am not the only one who has a bit of a harder time when it comes down to getting into the jolly Christmas spirit.  For a few decades now I rather have an internal battle going on with the spirit of Christmas and I am totaly going limbo around this time of the year.  It is since I know both sides of life that I know just seem to fly blind during the holidays.

I have found out over the years that celebrating this holy festive day is rather a work of art.  And the older I am getting the more I need to face the truth that I just lack a few skills to organize that picture perfect Christmas. Not I do not try but there are a few things that I just do not get right or is there a conspiracy going on.  It like I am rather acting like Rambo during the festive season.

It is a bit give and take this season and I am fully aware.  One minute I need to face major traffic, a deluge and almost hit a pedestrian and the next I am calling one of my friends who now lives in at the other side of the world who has shared with me unforgettable Christmas moments.  Talking about mastering the spirit of Christmas she nails that.  I swallow down so many emotions at this time of the year that in a way do not match the picture perfect Christmas card you send to your friends in the matching envelop with name sticker.  

But then I am not much surprised that it hits me big time around this time of the year.  You should see me in the mornings putting in my gingerbread men earrings and matching necklace and pulling my christmas jumper over my head. It is like I am plastering a protective layer over my face and body. It is as if I wish to communicate that I am 100% in the mood and that I have everything under control!  The lesson plans U and I put together also contain that message and I even start picking out quotes to put on cards to wish everyone I love that one special Christmas. 

Today I am sitting here in the living room with in a front our wooden Christmas tree (believe me I am over the moon with that acquisition and woud never go back to the plastic one) and I just finished wrapping the final Christmas present.  I did hang some candy cane on the branches of it and I also just put that one specific bottle of bubbles, that I picked out months ago in that one special shop in Antwerp, in the fridge to chill.  Most of my groceries are done and I managed to order that dessert that my mother wishes me to bring along home on Christmas Day.   On the table there is standing that one nativity set that I longed for that many years and we ordered after long debates.   My house tells me I am ready and that the preparation fase is coming to an end but still….

One close look in the mirror tells me that I am not…every year it hits me and it is perhaps that little black hole in my heart that I so desperately try to ignore.  It is like a hammer that hits me on the head and I then have to snap out of a certain mood pronto in order not to loose any time to get all the things done on my TO DO-list.  

So yes, I admit I can feel like Scrooge at this time of the year.  It is as if I can scratch of the layer of that specific wonderfully wrapped gift with a gigantic bow on top that has my name on it but just know that it is all an illusion.  That it is not going to happen…that I am trying to hard for the sake of nobody… .  Yes, believe me I could strangle a salesperson who is trying to excuse himself that he does not have the screen in storage to fix your son his broken mobile phone and no I don’t get it why you would let the government of nation go into overdrive so close to the next elections.  For those who know the ‘Suske&Wiske’-comics I am then inside ‘tante Sidonia’ who is in serious over drive.

Yes, I need help to get into the spirit of Christmas but this year I found it not in the places where I had hoped to find it.  Oh believe me I do very much still think that Christmas is foremost about celebrating the birth of Jezus.  Call me conservative or old fashioned but it is for me in the first place exactly that and in order to celebrate that you do not need a gigantic tree or pile of presents under a tree.  But that is why I am having such a hard time this year…

The cliché that you have to create your own Christmas when nobody seems to care or is rather joined up in a conspiracy against you is very hard to go after.  Mentally I am trying very hard and I have done tons of acts to ignite that spirit but this year I just seem to go limbo. Plus that this year Santa was so kind to bless me with a very nasty cold. 

No, do not worry if you are one of these people who has tried to help me out. You know me well enough that I appreciate all you do for me.  All the goodies and hugs I received ,  the home baked cookies, the great five star advent calendar that we together daily opened at work, the trip to Aachen Christmas market with my great coworker U, the Christmas cards from friends I find in our mailbox when I arrive home, the Nutcracker at Bozar in Brussels, the shopping assistant who remembers me buying years ago in her shop the earrings I am wearing and shares with me some great stories, hearing my students sing Christmas carols and getting goosebumps,  having tea time and doing some great shopping with a very special friend in my favorite neighborhood of my capital, hearing the voice of N who celebrates her birthday but is thousands of miles apart, the delivery men (there is one specific one who I constantly wish to hug because I know he works so hard and manages to smile when he sees me smile), wandering around in my capital and just being able to be in the moment,  my beautician who forgives me for forgetting my appointment and foremost the meaningful chats with people who suddenly admit me that it is not easy to go after the spirit of Christmas….those moments and a few more help me this year to create my own little Christmas…

Perhaps I have found out that it is all in the very little, special, emotional, sincere, unexpected, out of the blue moments that I find only what I am after and I so desperately try to bottle up that recipe and keep it close to my heart.  After all I know that it will be hard once in a while.  Yes, I do believe still in the miracle of Christmas but I do not take it for granted it anymore. I am so much more aware that many people do not have an easy time around this time of the year. It is as if am desperately holding on to something that I can only feel for tiny split second and then slips through my fingers. I then am standng there feeling lonely, ice cold, pessimistic, hopelessly lost, depressed and so many more feelings that are not affiliated with the Christmas spirit….sorry I can not fake it… you know me too well.

But then it suddenly hit me that I a few weeks did read a story about a certain pixie called the Truth Pixie.  Yes, I was in pieces after reading a certain page because there it was black on white all what I do feel and experience around this time of the year.  In case you wonder what it is…well it contains splashes of what Dickens wrote so many centuries ago. After all the message he did try to send out to the world while writing his Christmas Caroll or a Tale of Two Cities certainly did not grow old.  I just have decided that I am not going to share the exact words by Matt Haig because after all their impact is something I do think you have to be able to undergo privately while reading the book itself.  In there is all I feel at this time of the year and I guess that is not that bad after all.

So I wish all of you the Christmas you are after and that you manage to create your own little Christmas.  Enjoy the times you get to spend with your loved ones, hold on to that hug one tiny split second longer, stare with a smile to the Christmas tree or nativity set while you traveling to the deepest spot of you being and try to hold on to it because it will be a bumpy ride now and then.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those people who still hold on to me when I feel a bit less sparkly and festive.  You mean the world to me! 

CPD or CPR?

CPD...it is not the most thrilling word in my profession description.  Do not get me wrong!  I do think that it is very essential to keep on growing professional but CPD days are not always the most exciting days of my existence. In some cases I even have to say that I walked out of the venue/building with professional 'flatline'.  There are the times that I rather was calling after some CPR in order to get back into shape and ready to go back into my classroom.  It are sometimes the CPD days that can suck out all the energy of me and even wonder why I even have chosen to be a teacher in the first place.  Fortunately there have been more CPD days that I wrapped up feeling professional alive and kicking but still....

It is therefor that when my educational hotspot started to use something called ‘professional learning partners’ I was in the beginning rather a bit skeptical.  Honestly, I did wonder if this was just an other way to promote something that a select group of people was going to have only access to and me as a ‘groundling’ would hardly get to see and use the outcome of.   Two years further down the line I have to say that I was wrong.   And why is that?   Well,….

First of all I have to be honest that I did at the time when the job description was put up I just did not feel that secure to go for that function.  Calling it modesty is too easy of an ‘excuse’ but I did wonder very openly if I would be a good fit in a school where I am surrounded by amazing educational professionals and very passionate people that I would be in the best postion and had the best background.  Second of all I did wonder how you can boost CPD days so that you get the most of it and try to keep everybody happy and still make sure that the vision you are after stays clear. 

Hey, do not get me wrong I might be then called passionate and loving what I do, I still tend to call myself a realist when it comes down to what I do.  I teach one hour of Dutch in an international school in a country where many people will manage without having to use that language in their daily lives.  I am not making this up…it is not fake news…it is a fact.  It is not always easy to kind of being the educator in a context where your subject is not considered ‘essential’.   But it has never kept me back of trying to make my subject worthwhile for the children I teach.  Single one of them I hope to teach something or let them walk out of my classroom feeling like they gained something out of those 55 minutes.

What is that something then? Well, that is not always that easy to define.  In case you think that is a bit of an awkward answer to give, I understand you.  But then I challenge you to tell me something about a CPD course you were granted to attend and that you did exactly get out of it what the course description told you?   Surely most of us teachers have had that experience of having ended up in a course of which you did wonder ‘This is just not what I had hoped for!’ or ‘This is not what I now need at this exact moment!’ or ‘Why in the world am I supposed to listen to this person who is telling me what to do but has he or she even been in real situation I am momentarily trying to survive within?’ or ‘I already knew all of that!' or  'Can you please tell me something that I not already have been told or found out myself?’….. I bet you can add a few yourself. 

CPD days are so many times those days that you rather leave feeling even less secure.  Or you wonder what you might have done more useful instead of having to call in cover for your class while you have been out for a day or more.    Well if there something that has changed since the professional learning partners are active in my school is that school CPD is now  run by a selected group of people but also a group of people still connected with the 'real' daily business that makes up a school.  People that try very hard to keep everybody their interests at heart.  Plus that they look also around them to find people who are willingly to share good practice. This is a group of very motivated people and they do come from different departments within the school what surely has added to the CPD boost.

Now do not get me wrong. There are still people around me who still will not get out of these days what they are after.  You can't make everybody happy but at the same time I do think that then it might be time to speak up. Inform the most essential people to do something about it.  Critics tend to keep to themselves when it comes down to CPD days because we all know that we then also have to do a bit more of inward reflection about what the real issue is that we are 'bored', 'annoyed', 'upset', 'grumpy', 'dissapointed',.... The whole range of rather negative feelings that floats above during talks and cofeebreaks during a CPD hides in most cases something that is more more complex.  Or that is at least what I have found out after 21 years attending such courses and conferences.

Now if I look back at the CPD opportunities I was granted over the last two decennia I must say that the outcome of them is not always the most obvious one.  So let me be so free to come up with a few insights and ideas that I did pick up on a very wide range of professional development courses that I did attend voluntarily or in same cases was friendly forced to attend.

1. Professional Development comes in all shapes and forms.  What you need momentarily you might have needed before or in some cases what you needed to know.  In education things also change constantly and our classrooms also do.  Personal and professional growth are not a static and therefor will constantly change.  You might need a course that shows you ways to deal with new technology in the classroom, while your coworker thinks very openly that the time has come that the school tells you something about value based teaching.  How they do this can be so different than you imagined.  Sometimes you will be offered the opportunity to attend a course outside school and sometimes it might be rather a book that you find in your school library that will help you. 

2.We do not all need the same at the same time. As a result, and I do think that is very challening  to put together a very worthwhile CPD program for you staff or pushing them in a certain direction.  Okay, there are the days that your school wishes to get all people to look into the same direction.  Your vision should be a joined one and that all involved feel part of and have been given the opportunity to speak up their mind about. Timing is everything and this also is the case when it comes down to CPD days.  Perfect timing is always so much more positive and feeling at the end of the day the workshop discription did just not live up to its expectation.  But it is still hard to come by and not that easy to plan. 

3.Making connections is very valuable.  At all CPD events/days I met up with people that I has something in common with.  In some cases it might not be connected with the content of the course itself but something totally different.  These connections could be the beginning of something else.  And I am not only talking about friendship.   Connections outside your working spot can be a very powerful manner to find a new sparkle of hope that might end up in starting that one dream project you are already lobbying after.   Keep your eyes and ears open!

4.The more personal professional development becomes the more energy it will cost and openminded you sometimes will need to be.  We have been all in the spot where you do know deep down inside that it is time to find a course in order to help you.  It are sometimes these that will make the difference in your daily teaching.  These are also the ones that you end up having to do a bit extra work or concentrate harder.  It are not the walks through the park with a stop at the ice cream van.  No freebies are handed out and the outcome of such a day might be still unclear.  These are the courses and events that demand a lot more than copying a work sheet or reading the most recent research.  They call for action on a bigger scale and we all know what we then also need to make it work.

5.CPD outcomes are not always measurable or easily to share with others.  Teachers sometimes like first to spend some time on their private educational island before diving into the cold and deep ocean water.  Processing the content of a CPD is not always easy and in some situations it might not even work out for you.  This is then due to some other more complex reasons.  That we then sometimes might have to say ‘at least I tried’ is not always what we were after when signing up for that specific workshop or talk.   Plus that when you are send on a three day course about dealing with difficult behavior within the classroom makes you wonder if you even dare to tell your coworker who seems to be a superhero when it comes down to class management.  And then there are the side effects of attending CPD days and I have found out that these are sometimes as valuable as the initial reason that you ended up in room to listen to an expert about dyslexia or Autism. 

6.Sharing is caring.  Sounds very fuzzy and cliché. But in the last five years I have noticed that the professional days where people did share their ‘wealth’, their good practice, their insight are the ones that made me feel more connected and cared for.  Sometimes that was all I needed in order to head back into my classroom in a more inspired and energetic mode. Ready to try something new and still add my own twist to the offered advice or worksheet.  Copy and paste not a magic spell you can cast over your classroom.

7.The proof of the pudding is in eating the pudding.  The more ‘fun’ you are having the harder it sometimes it will be to keep up with the insights.  Yes, I do sometimes feel a bit overwhelmed after such days.  It is during these days that I have been in a way cut off from society and only concentrate on my profession.  Once I am back at reality and try out something 'new' is not always that easy.  But it is only then I find out if 'it 'works or not.  And it might not always work out…but at least I have tried.  So after all the listening the next stage is creating...what calls for action.

8.CPD days and programs are put together by people…human beings…people like you and me!  Learning is an opportunity but the also means that more and more people see it also as a market .  It is not always that easy to attract the most suitable people to your CPD.  Sometimes you just might not find the right person or the organization to cooperate with. Or it even turns out during the CPD itself that your school is not that compatible as first perceived when reading their website or cours descriptions.

9.Feedback is essential.  No, those sheets you at the end are politely asked to fill in to give feedback are not just there to make your life even more miserable.  Oh yes I admit, I am tempted myself not to fill in my survey or questionnaire after a less interesting or ‘useless’ workshop or chat of a professional.  But actually it are sometimes these documents ways to get your frustrations, opinions and criticism out in the open.   Feedback helps other to make decisions and so just brushing it off and even throwing that piece of document  in our digital bin.  Give each organize of CPD at least to work with and to learn from.

10.Personal involvement can create already the next step you are after.  The more you get yourself engaged during the event itself the more likely there will be a positive outcome of a CPD.  Engagement starts with showing interest in the program or searching for some extra information about a speaker that has been invited or a subject your CPD is going to cover.  Surely it is not always easy to drag yourself out of bed during a weekend to attend that specific course but once you had a third cup of coffer or tea and have found some way to contribute to a discussion it might all change into brighter day professional wise.  I have found out that people who are more engaging and take more an active part seem to be ones who take away more than ones that perhaps keep to themselves or grumble constantly.

Okay some of them you might agree with and others you might just call nonsense.  Yes, I still end up in workshops that I not find out that where I am after.   Yes, I have sometimes felt like I lost precious time when having to listen to a rather sleep inducing voice.  Yes,why in the world some people think that they their way is only the right way.   And yes, I still not got to attend that one CPD where I only saw happy faces.

Professional development is surely that one part of my job description that I still consider the most challenging one and keep me on my toes.  But without it would be surely make my job less adventurous and interesting.  It might be also the most vital stepping stone of my profesional growth. If your CPD makes you end up being after CPR you might wish to ask for a first aid course as your next CPD.  That is still the most valuable CPD that I do get to attend annual.   That course has proven more than once to be life saving.... for sure!

Going up, going down!?

The elevator…..I love the elevator!  I have always called it one of the best inventions ever!  Yes, I am guilty of using it when I should have rather used the staircase.  When I park on the roof of my local supermarket I use my shopping cart as the excuse to get into it.  Thanks to the elevator I have been on top of buildings that have taken my breath away.  Tokyo, Chicago, New York and Paris are only a few whose outlook have bewildered me thanks to a box that goes up and down.  Not that I not for a split second before the doors close what could happen if suddenly a power cut happens and I get stuck.  Stallie is not always not he road will a fully charged iPhone but at the other hand there will always be something edible to be found inside her purse!

Now it is not because that elevator saves out time and energy that I love it more than my car.  No, there is something extraordinary about that confined space with revolving doors.   It is within that the ‘magic’ or in some cases the ‘trauma’ comes to live.  How many times have you been in an elevator by yourself and did your brain went blank and were you able to push out the tiring and brain twisting thoughts?

And I am sure that you know that hotel elevators turn out to be the most awkward and silent spot of your lodgings.  The strangers you end up meeting up can make you feel so out of place and most of the time you just hope to get out as soon a possible in order to make a run for the breakfast buffet. There is also the hospital elevator that will take your the life defining doctor’s appointments and you might even have whispered into one of those so typical mirrors ‘Don’ worry…all be well…all is going to be okay….just calm down.’  The moment the doors open up you snap out of it and go on with the real life. Or those times that you went down two to get back to your car in an underground parking after midnight and just hope that your car is still okay and that you will not run into strange behaving individual?  I am sure that most of you had similar experiences. 

But there is more to an elevator and people who made me aware of that are movie&tv series directors.  No it is not always the underground or the kitchen where the action takes or the most in depth conversations take place.  It is that iron cubicle people end stand up in each other ’s chiacras and always are skin to skin.  Where you might rub a shoulder of a stranger or touch a hand you are desperate to touch but she or he seems to be immune for the your smiles.  It is in there that many times the most intense moments take place.  In more than movie or series it is the lift that is used as the driving force behind some of the most memorable moments on the screen. 

For those who wonder what I mean here a few examples of ‘outstanding’ and in some cases even ‘marvelous’ lift moments:
-Tom Cruise and Kelly McGellis in ‘Top Gun’.  It is in there that they seem to come to terms with their feelings for each other.  The moment that he leans over to push the button and says:’I am glad we got that straight’ and uses that iconic Tome Cruise smile and pumps a bit more his biceps can still make me laugh out loud. 
-The numerous elevator conversations in Mad Men. It is in those short conversations that we find out what is going on behind the scenes. More than once I have changed my opinion about a character after a ride in elevator.  Oh yes, directors will admit that is a very good way to save out some money but elevators in Mad Men are crucial to the story line and are in a sense the most deep going part of the whole series. It are 59 times we get the spend with them inside an confined place and loved every second of these journeys.  Not that they always made things cleared but it is made my obsession with lifts even more intense. https://youtu.be/wSvnap7wvFc
-The elevator in Charlie and the Chocolate factory and that also is one of the most exciting ones I met up on paper.  That one and the one in Abeltje. Annie MG Schmidt and Ronald Dahl already knew the impact of an elevator ride and the power it withholds.  Every time the button was pushed it was like my emotions got an extra jumpstart!  Pure magic!
-And then those moments that Doctor Grey and Doctor 'McDreamy' are inside that littel space are also more memorable than when they scrubed in togethert.  In Grey’s anatomy it is surely that there these two characters go full on and that they open up.  That he proposes to her in there is perhaps the only ‘perfect’ place to do so. It is where for once have the sensation that they wish to be all by themselves. ‘When there is an crisis, you don’t freeze…you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forwards because you have seen worse.’, it are such strong lines inside of confined place and actually it only makes it sound so much powerful. Romance at it’s highest impact.  I just wonder how long it took the crew to put that elevator together! 
-That specific elevator ride that Christian Grey forgets about all the paperwork he is so strict about.  It is like as if the moment that the doors close he just looses all the control that he is so notorious and boast about.  He just lets all his fences down during that particular ride down.  'What is it about elevators?'-line is so cheesy and cliché but it does make so clear that the control freak surely has some spots that are beyond his control.  Don't start now that you are not aware of your own weaknesses or dark side, please don't. Your defense is futile when it is going down or up.
-There is the memorable elevator scene in ‘Serendipity’ that when I saw it for the very first time made me just yell at the screen.  That moment that they both push the same number we all know that this is too good to be true and that it does not work like that but against all odds you just hope.  Destiny and faith they are a bit more complicated in a Hollywood script but that the scriptwriter  decided to send in a child dressed up as the devil did make it stand out in the land of elevator rides.
https://youtu.be/ctAymN-ff6c
-Captain America who is in a big trouble the moment he notices that they have send in the troops while he going down and then says:’Before we get started does anyone want to get out?’  Politeness becomes an Avenger even when he ends up being ambushed in an elevator!  Loving that scene because trust is something very hard to come by in an elevator as it seems.
-The elevator rides Ryan Gosling takes with Carey Mulligan and during one suddenly goes in total overdrive. Personal for me one of the most iconic scenes every because the body language and power demonstrated gave me goosebumps. That moment you feel the tension rise and see that he already has seen it coming miles ahead before you.  It is then then Ryan Gosling his character becomes so much more than a driver with a dark side. Yes, that is a very violent one and it made me even fill up with disgust but still one of the best elevator scenes ever that just makes you wonder how much of life is decided inside of an elevator.

Now you might think that these are all pure fiction and that none of these things are likely to happen in real time.  Hmm…well honestly they do and I even know someone who proposed in an elevator.  Meaningful things, even life changing things happen in an elevator.  And one of my friends had a rather dull talk about the weather in an hotel elevator in Geneva and when he got out it was an friend who saw them both getting out and stood there with his mouth hopen. It was then that he found he had the pleasure to have been coming down in the company of James Bond allias Roger Moore!

Nope, it is not all fiction what takes place inside an elevator. Ask that also Senator Flake who last Friday ended up facing two very fierce ladies who got to talk to him right there in that particular spot. Maria Gallagher and Ana Maria Archill confrontated an American politician and expressed their opinion about what there is about to happen to women their body and mind.  There are tons of people out there who have a very outspoken opinion about the way the ‘opponent’ is dealing with the nominee for the Supreme Court of the United States. Personal I don’t think that many of us outside the US fully comprehend the impact of the supreme court on the daily lives of American citizens and at a certain level how it can influence our own moral compass and regulations.  It is ‘thanks’ to this power that even after Trump leaves the White House that his legacy lives on and will have an impact on millions of people.  These 9 people have got the power to overturn decisions they made before and that might not seem that big of a deal but believe me it is!  

So that two above mentioned women kind of ambushed a leading politician who was inside of an elevator was something that in itself surely stands out.  Senator Flake did Friday something that made many people wonder why he did what he did.  Not that he answered the questions that these fierce ladies spit at him.  Personal I think it also not were the questions only that matter in this case. It is rather what these women told him right into his face.  He has uphold power and he has got power…he is about to vote on a person who has got the ultimate power over society.  Flake going up and down the elevator is perhaps to best metaphor for what many politicians but also many of us must  experience when they are in limbo or are in doubt.  We will never know what Flake was going through once the door closed.  I am okay with that but it must have been a different than routine ride going down to the parking lot of the Senate building.

The thing is that when I get into an elevator I almost feel liberated and that some of the missing puzzle pieces seem to snap into place.  It is like the most neutral place where I seem to be still granted some private time to get my head around things. It is there that collision take place, that fireworks go off, that I dare to look straight into the mirror, that my face tells me what I might have been trying to hide, that my brain comes to a total standstill.  Going up or going down in an elevator has taken me to so many places and some of the insignificant rides have surely made the difference.  

Yes, I admit it that the Stallie who got into the elevator might not be the same one when once the doors open up again and I am forced to get out and snap back in the 'normal' routine.   You might never notice the difference but then I consider the elevator a kind of mental no man’s land…in case you ever get the pleasure of joining me on one of these unpredictable voyages then be aware you might be in for a ride of a life time!  I bet you know exactly what I mean…I bet you already some elevator experiences yourself.  Cherish them and make them count. It might be the only place where it all makes sense…where we come to terms with what we are given and what it taken away from us.

P.S: I am fully aware that British English is 'lift' but I did stick to 'elevator' for this entry.  Just for once and for the sake of the picture I selected to go along with this entry.

Pink Cupcakes

Week 3 back in the teaching trenches has just come to an end and the weekend is here! It is always a bit satisfying to wrap up a week and to look back with a smile.  Not that it has not been challenging.  Those who teach know that every new school year is in a way also picking up where you left and creating brand new chapters but now and then we do face doomsday.  The thing is that I have promised myself that I am rather going to focus on the positive things that my job offers me than the ones that cause me nightmares and heart burn.  Oh yes, I already had a few moments that I did wonder why I just do not have a magic wand.

The thing is that I have found out a few weeks ago while doing a little quiz that I have got the tendency to be very pessimistic and believe me this was one of those games that for ones was backed up by scientific number and statistics. I cringed at my result because I only scored 0!  Not proud of that but it did kind of confirmed but I do have the tendency to be very pessimistic and the moment that I feel joy or wish to jump into the air I will find something that will cause rain on my parade.  It is in my genes and that in combination with the media and all the negative news that is spreading like a disease I do have these days that I do wonder if I even should try. 

Many teachers I know are very strict with themselves.  The ‘best’ teachers I had myself were not the ones that always smiles on their face but they managed to stimulate me to dive into some things that at first sight seemed rather boring but once when you dove in and went along with them you entered a total different world.  None of them ever forced me but the ones that made me work hard, giving it an other try, look further, loan an extra book from the library on the subject, gave me some extra time to push the barrier that are the ones that I am now grateful and I am quite sure that they also had those rather gloomy days…we all do!  Still there is a lot to be grateful and within those sunny moments there is so much energy to find that you know that that is what can make the difference. 

So here we go….Over the last 3 weeks I have been so grateful for

-The enthusiasm and eagerness that students demonstrate when they have a lesson of Dutch.  As many of you know is it ‘only’ an one hour subject for the UP students that I teach at my educational hotspot.  Still the sincere outburst of joy when they see my coworker U or me walk in that is so heart warming.  It still can bewilder me and yes it is an energy boost.
-The smiles and great formal and less formal talks I had with my coworkers on each level.  It can still amaze what the impact of good conversation is and how it can influence your work attitude.  Inside a classroom you do end up on your own but it are the other teachers who can so much break or make the overall moral where you try to teach.  Therefor I am so grateful that I did already felt that I have enough ears and shoulders to turn to in case of melt down or outburst of sheer happiness that I wish to share with fellow teachers.
-Those special moments that you find out that teaching does have an impact and that things are not just for the sake of saying and hoping against all odds. That during one of my students I suddenly witnessed some of my younger students picking up trash without having told to so made me feel so happy.  Yes, they had been an assembly about keeping the campus clean and taken care and joined responsibility but that is not a guarantee that the the transfer between the assembly hall and the play ground goes smoothly.
-The very powerful moments that students go beyond that what you hoped for.  It is in these first weeks back that you find out how much did ‘stick’ and how much has ‘vanished’.  Nothing can make me a happier than a student that just can not hold back by calling out ‘we have covered this last year!’.  Yes, the curse of teaching a foreign language for one hour ‘only’ is challenging when when it comes down to getting students to remember words and grammatical structures we one in a long ago past talked and filled in worksheets about.  Spontaneous ‘confessions’ of students are sometimes the ultimate icing on the cake.
-The holiday stories students and parents share with you and what they have managed to with their language knowledge.  That there are positive outcomes of language learning is not something that is scientifically questioned but still I have my doubts that many of my students find the time and place to put their Dutch into practice. When I am told that they have taken their learning outside the classroom and ended up using at a museum, restaurant or summer camp I am very proud of them.
-The work-family balance that is so fragile but you seem to be able to keep up 3 weeks further down the line.  That my time table is very nice mix between loaded and rather light days with enough time to plan and sort out urgent administration and other issues that have landed up in the mailbox is surely something that I am grateful for. 
-The interesting books, articles and stories that I have read so far have proven there is still enough out there in the educational world.  Despite all the negative press and everlasting debate that teaching is rather something for those who can’t are there enough positive vibes going on in the educational orbit.  That I have ‘sacrifice’ some of my ‘free’ time in order to find out more about them is something that I so far have not regretted for a single second.  On the contrary it has given me more energy and contentment.
-The presence of online support that comes sometimes in disguise of a good joke or an extra pat on the shoulders.  I signed up this year for a buddy support the light version but also plan to try out something new closer to home.  So far I can just state that it are those little messages that sometimes can pull me back up. 
-The sweet moments and breaks that students or coworker celebrate with you their birthday and bring along treats or that U brings along one of her amazing baking experiments.  I have say that the gluten free biscuits surely surprised my taste buds.  Also a strawberry dipped in chocolate and chocolates in a box to choose from are only a few of the unexpected delights that have brought some extra happiness into my first three weeks.
-The late summer days that have brightened up some of rather early and painful awakenings and made the transition between facing reality a bit more bearable and smoother. The extra intake of vitamin D is surely a delightful treat. Rain is on the forecast for the days to come but the sunshine we had they can’t take away from me. 
….

I know that there are harder days looming around the corner…all it sometimes takes is one less ‘good’ lesson or a mail that sounds almost like a dead threat to make all the above void.  But there is always light at the end of the tunnel and I have some extra ticks and tips to rely on in case of an emergency. Plus that I have made some promises that I very much wish to keep because in the long run they will make the school year so much more fun and bearable for myself and the ones around me.  In case you do end up with rather the dark sided Stallie than be aware of that one poster that is up on my noticing board, that one can make all trouble go away:’Why yes, a pink cupcake will fix everything!  Works miracles for me, every single time…but foremost I also try to keep in mind that in the end ‘nothing lasts forever we have only have what we remember.’ That is how our brains works and teachers are surely specialist in that!  My students fully agree with that as well...ask them about the pink cupcake poster... ;-)

PS: I love Anggun her voice.  I do prefer her rather in French but this song can make me move around in my kitchen and does also make me focus on what I should remember in order to see the positive side of many things.

Excellence..just excellence....

It is the weekend and just had my traditional cup of George Clooney coffee in my gigantic Stitch mug and just took a glance at the front page of the newspaper.  Also the washing machine is running in full modus, finally managed to make a hair dresser appointment, started to read of the books I put on the reading menu for our upcoming ‘scary’ themed book week at my educational hotspot and I also can not wait to dive into one of the Mindfulness books I wish to read before September comes to an end…. Yeah Stallie is back at work, back at school, back where the magic can take place, back where she feels at her best…back where I am aiming very hard to be the best teacher for every single one of the my students.

As mentioned before I do not believe that perfection exist or at least I rather tend to describe it rather as a mindset not I not master constantly.  It is rather something I not excel at…do not get me wrong. Not that I not aim for excellence and perfection when it comes down my profession.  There are there those moments that I could jump for joy and run through the school building screaming it out that I saw in the eyes of my educational audience what I am after. Sparkling eyes all over the place.  Oh yes, it happens and even more than I will admit. It happened last week already in my first week back out there.  The thing is that most of my victories I tend to celebrate in silence or I will have a small after party in my car with my Spotify favorite list echoing through my car.  Believe me by the time I get home I already have discarded my super hero cape and jump back into my more boring and daily routine. 

After all that is part of what I do consider teaching a never ending story that will call constantly for action and reflection.  It then not also surprises me that at the beginning of a new academic year many people consider themselves educational expersts.  By the time that I am preparing my first lesson plan I have already read or heard  hundreds of opinions about what is going well or not going well in the educational world.  It is like in middle of august many educational specialist suddenly snap out of their hibernating status to spread their gospel of education and I wonder how in the world I am going to please all of them or going to make it work what they consider good or excellent education.

Still, I am one of these people who has to put into the action what many have a very outspoken opinion about.  So then it is not such a big of a surprise that I still experience that the educational reality is so much different than an opinion of an educational specialist, parent or minister of eduation.   It is never perfect and it will be constantly questioned by many....excellence seems the be then the last word that I do think of.

Is it then a surprise that I then every year over and over again do wonder…wonder if I made the right decisions about teaching and learning?  Oh yes, I have ‘screwed’ up and still do when I teach and try to let every single of students in my care learn.  The perfection I strive for in my classroom sometimes does not resembles anything that I did plan out on paper.  That in the month of August I then tend to become a restless educational soul who then goes through an existential crises is not unexpected. Yes, I have had those moments that I reflected out loud about pursuing an other career. One of these life questioning conversations even took place at an airport in an other continent.  This is all is to me the proof I constantly question myself and my teaching and learning that I offer...and it is not always a smooth going exercise.  Believe me...sometimes it is a very grim place to travel to.

Yes, I am worried about the status of our national and global educational environment.  There are many people around me who worry about the minds and skills of our future work force.  The list of these outspoken concerns is long and I am not going to dive into them at this point. You can find them by Googling them and there are official reports written about them.  Feel free to do so because that is what I also did and will keep doing. The thing is that I already have doven back into the educational pool/reality where the temperature can be sometimes sub zero and where I sometimes am afraid to go under.   Not that I am alone ‘swimming ‘around in that deep water.  Every year I meet up there with a very big force that works like a magnet and manages to keep me afloat. Now and then I  might be in doubt if I am ready to get closer and collide with those other forces.  In general it will click with these others but once in a while it will sometimes make me go back under before I can find back the right direction. 

The thing is that I need other people in order to be the ‘excellent’ teacher I wish to be.  Oh yes, I feel so blessed that I had so many great examples to learn from.  I am still grateful for that and one of those things that I do like so much about my job is that I can constantly learn from others, including from my students.

September is together with June the most challenging month when it comes down to my job.  Yes, I already look forward to October in a way.  Still it is also the month in which I am given the opportunity to start with a clean sheet, put in to actions some to the ideas I came up with the past months and is also the moment that I try to be more in synch with many other teachers and reconnect.  A very exciting moment but but it also can make me feel a bit less secure. Hey, I am not perfect. 

That we this week were asked to reflect about the word ‘excellence’ when it comes down to learning and teaching first made me go totaly silent.  I stared at the blank sheet and yes I was relieved that we were allowed to think this over for a few days.  The thing is that I could not hold back and that that I already in the car did start to question my own son what he did think that excellence in learning and teaching means to him.  He was able to give a very clear answer and it did match what I did expect him to answer. But A is now a teenager and that is also when their brain starts to work differently and so he wondered why I did ask him.  ‘Oh, it is something I am asked to think about not that I do not always am very sure about..so I wanted your help.’  A looked at me but said nothing. Not sure that is was positive but it seemed that he was wondering if had not ever done before….

Oh yes, that is the thing…constantly and that is the thing with many of us who have signed up for education with their full heart and soul that we never ever stop reflecting.  It is like a mindset that is contagious. Especially when you are willingly to think outside the box. Believe me I am surrounded by so many excellence that my head keeps spinning.  In September it is always as if I walk into force field where I am dragged into and been given the opportunity to dive into full on and learn, teach, share, reflect, listen, adopt, create, feedback, assess, observe, talk, dream, collaborate and many more action verbs.  The most confrontational aspect of that thinking exercise is that I wish that I had more time to manage of all of these things that I deeply care about when it comes down to excellence in combination with teaching and learning.

So yes, I have decided to share what my mindset is when it comes down to these words. Please beware these are my personal selected words…my feelings…and I do not expect all of you to agree with me. It is just that you then can travel along more fully informaed with me while I try to ‘survive’ an other school year.  Oh yes, I epect to collide and disagree with some of my coworkers. That is okay as long as at the end of the day I can still feel in sync with my own moral teaching compass. 

Here we go…..

Excellence in teaching is

-having the opportunity to access Extraordinary staff who always is openminded and resourceful
-having the opportunity to not just Xerox teaching styles, resources, curriculum, teaching plans, etc…but tailor them so they fit best for our students and constantly review, modify and adopt
-having the opportunity to be Creative in our ways of teaching and how we can teach
-having the opportunity to Experiment with different teaching styles and methods
-having the opportunity to be a Life long learner in a professional and academic environment
-having the opportunity to Listen and to be listened to when it comes down to teaching
-having the opportunity to Expand your knowledge by attending CPDs that your teaching can benefit with from directly or in some ways indirectly
-having the opportunity to develop and share New resources and methods of teaching in an openminded and professional environment
-having the opportunity to Collaborate with professionals, specialists and coworkers in a trustworthy manner
-having the opportunity to Extend your teaching in order to open up new opportunities for you as teacher and students to put your teaching into good practice beyond the classroom.

…….

Excellence in learning is..

-having access to extraordinary resources and facilities that stimulate and inspiring the learning.
-having the freedom to be creative in many ways across the curriculum that is offered
-having the opportunity to demonstrate our learning not only in the classroom but also outside the classroom
-having the opportunity to celebrate the outcome of your learning and feeling confident to excel further
-having the opportunity to extend your knowledge and skills inside and outside the classroom
-having the opportunity to be part of a learning community that stimulates togetherness and mutual respect
-having the opportunity to share your knowledge, culture and values in a openminded environment
-having the opportunity to try out many ways of learning that stimulates and facilitates the learning process
-having the opportunity to use your individual talent at full potential within and outside the classroom
-having the opportunity to make decisions about your own learning in a trustworthy, openminded and respectful learning environment
-having the opportunity to call in for help in case you feel there is a need for it
-having the opportunity to express your opinion and give feedback about your learning and the teaching
-the opportunity to inquire in order to expand your knowledge and skills

…….


Hopefully you noticed those little dots below…and do you know what they mean….

Hereby I also wish all teachers, students, educational supporting staff, parents and caregivers an unforgettable academic year. Hopefully it lives up to your expectations of ‘excellence’.

P.S.:  For this entry I have picked out a song by Johnny Hates Jazz that one day my Spotify selected for me and I do think that in education I do feel like these lyrics say.  'Our hearts go round and round like the seasons' and we have so many moments that we can decide to cooperate or just walk by. It is up to us...teaching and learning is one of the most valuable&adventureous walks we take in our life.
The other one is a clip of Stitch because Stallie the teacher sometimes feels like this rather 'crazy' Disney character but the message that in teaching and learning family I do no want leave anyone behind. In my teaching and learning gospel that is perhaps the one I believe very strong in and try to teach by...no matter what, when or how!!! 

Found & Lost Abroad.

Peaches in Austin…peaches will never ever taste as good again as when I had my first peach on sunny day in Austin last July.  You were not there with me when I did bite in that one piece of fruit my dear friend H had just handed me over.  You will never be able to share that experience with me because it was one of those taste experiences that went beyond.  It was like a collision of so many emotions and my taste buds were on fire.  I can only describe it as fireworks were going of in my mouth but also in my brain.  Desperately I wanted to hold on to that sensation.  Sweetness, and smoothness were two words that I will for ever link up with that heavenly snack moment.  But I even wish to top it with the following more in depth words that even reflect so much better the intense moment I experienced while sitting on a high chair in an cozy air conditioned kitchen:’succulent luscious and mushy’!  

I guess you must wonder if all the rest of my holiday abroad was as good as that or even better…hmmm…hard to say.  A mango is not a peach, and pancakes in NYC are not the same as a breakfast taco in Austin, a mojito is not a Texan Mule and a swimming pool is not a walk in the park.  Just to give you an idea how different my two vacation spots were.  And that is just the top of the ice berg. Because there is more than meets the eye when I travel to the States.  For me that nation brings together so many things, places, food, art, architecture, landscapes, landmarks and foremost people I love.  It is a bit like coming home when the plane comes to a total stand still. 

It also not the average holiday that I end up having when getting into a cab or shuttle bus. Also I can’t hide my American accent that I inherited after being 11 months an exchange student. It still lingers around in my sub conscience.  Strangely did it took me over 48h that I seem to speak the English the average American understood. Guess  that the job related Britishness has crept under my nails and now has also taken over how I pronounce certain words or have a slightly adopted vocabulary.   There was even a moment of panic when I did try to order two bottles of still water and that the waiter gave me a blank face.  With temperatures and humidity on the rise in the Big Apple you do wish to able to order a bottle of refreshing water asap.  Thanks to my speedy and helpful niece I did manage to get my hands on them. Believe me at that exact moment I was feeling desperate and about to lose it all together.  

It are these extra ordinary journeys to the US that make me go beyond in many ways.  Oh yes, I do need to push a few snooze buttons when I see the skyline of NYC looming up. Even when the limo-driver points out that he never gets enough of it I do know that I will not walk in there anymore as a first time traveller. I have been on top of the World Trade Center two months before it came down. It will remain one of the most intense experience I ever had in my life due to me having to push myself due to being afraid of heights.  N who was there with me, knows that what I remember of that trip is not the height or the impressive buildings.  She was there with me and I am very sure that she is one of the few people who understands what that nation does do to me.  Nobody will ever take that away from me either but I am still happy that I was there together with N.  I then strangely had predicted that she would one day would live in the US.  Guess who now lives there and who has to settle for Facebook updates and Instagram posts? Time zones do interfer with long distance friendships.

The other reason that traveling through the country of stars and stripes is also a bit extra ordinary is also linked up with the fact that some of my in laws and very close friends live there.  Yes, I know what it feels like to be picked up by a limo service or what a great sensations race through my brain when a car picks me up at arrivals with cheerful people in it. It then feels like I arrived home…those car trips are so much more fun.  Plus believe me that getting on a train in the morning  that  heads into Central Station instead of walking out your hotel lobby in Mahattan is so much different.   We do now more leave the city around rush hour and head to a suburb where a total different great experience awaits.

Or wandering around in Central Park is a bit different when you have parked your car just a block away from it. Or when you manage to give them a local zip code while shopping with your niece at the so girlie and amazing fun American Girl Store.  Also instead of having dinner at one of the thousands restaurants your tour guide book raves about  you end up in a local very classy and glamorous taco restaurant where the locals dine is so much more intense. Or ending up unexpectedly in that coffee bar that is linked to a certain book you read this year and wondered when you would ever end up in that coffee bar.  Not that I will ever get used to the humidity and the unpleasant temperatures that come along with summers in the Big Apple but the homemade pancakes and lemonade at Bubby’s make up for that.  Or getting two scoops of gelato at the EatItaly at the Flat Iron building and then walk back to Central Station knowing that you are about to blend in with the regular ones. These are just a few of these exceptional intense moments that I had down town in NYC this time.

I walk now through the city in a total different manner than the first time when I landed there. Most due to now having the privilege to hang out with locals. Who also sometimes wish us not to go into those places we are tempted to walk into but rather pay attention to those places, things, monuments that are a bit off the touristy route or walking into something you are sure is considered a ‘tourist trap’.  Believe me I had the best of time in restaurants, bars, museums and such that from the outside looked rather a bit dodgy when I stood outside.  You know how challenging it is for the capricorn to let others decide and just going with the flow? 

Well traveling to the US is nowadays exactly that.  I will never ever forget what it was like when I walked into that spa my friend H dropped me off.  Or how my son started to dance with his cousin in the Adidas store on Fifth Avenue.  Yes, there are sometimes down sides as well because my son has so far not seen the skyline of NYC at night.  We tend to leave the city that never sleeps at rush hour and board a train with hundreds of suits and briefcases.  That we go in depth with locals means that you sometimes have settle for those moments that you do not know what is up next.  They are the best tour guides and that the same time you do wonder how well they really know you. So it is give and take and I have to say that it sometimes challenges you but it is so well worth it.

This trip I found out that my US family and friends know me so well. They have given me a holiday that went beyond any tour guide.  Numerous moments I just was amazed by what insight information they had and how to please me and make me the happiest bunny hopping around on the planet.  Especially when I for once not feel tempted to check out beforehand where they are about to take us or me.  I can assure you that walking into the lobby of the Fairmount hotel in Austin was so insane and when I saw the bar I was about to loose it all together.  Or when they drove me to the Presidential Library of LB Johnson.  People who know me personal know what the effect of an library is when your name is Stallie.  That moment you walk into the big hall where you for the first time get to see the archives behind glass I can only describe as being ‘beyond’. 

Yes, there are also the simple moments that have given me so much joy.  Like having a home made smoothie that your niece has prepared with great eager or when you end up reading a bedtime story to two cutie pies who sit on your lap in their bedroom.  It is when you find out the recipe of the barbecue sauce the father of your friend prepares with you before putting it on a chicken you just bought in Wholefoods where it all started for that supermarket chain.  Also when you sip from the homemade cold-brew handed over in a Yeti-cup that keeps your drink so much longer cooler than you ever imagined. It happens when you are instructed to do outlet shopping on a very tight shedule and then decide that you are going to buy that one bag you have set your mind on for years.  It is when you drive into cities and passing by places that you know from books, movies or songs but have only seen from one point of view.  It is the deeper sensation that runs through your veins when your friend takes you to Bookpeople, an independent bookseller in Austin, where you can get your hands on a signed by the author copy of that book that is on your want-to-read list.  It happens when you are offered a Texan Mule that is prepared by a local who tells you that he has been in Dilsen Stokkem, Belgium. And it happens when you have a great chat about life while cooling down in the pool and realizing that you are blessed a thousands time more than you imagined. 

One of the most magical moments was one evening when my sis in law parked her car in front of the house and I suddenly saw of the first time fire flies.  Yes, I had never seen them before and a part of me even wondered if they still existed or were a by product of fantasy authors.  I stood there in the wet grass wearing my blue ballerinas and felt so light and happy.   ‘Are those fireflies?’, I asked my niece.  ‘Oh, yes there are many around.’, she answered and ran towards the porch of the house.  My son then wondered:’So when are the raccoons coming out?’  I guess that he was more after the action animals than me.  Also did my other significant not manage to ‘kill’ the moment when he told me that they also just fly around in Belgium.  Well, my first encounter with them was in the States and it was a perfect moment that nobody will ever be able to take away from me.

What I do also find out while trying to write a blog entry about my travels is that I never ever manage to recreate the atmosphere you are after.   I have tried before to write stories about places that I have been to.  Spots close by or at the end of the world where my blood streams faster, where I manage to come to rest, where my mind just stops racing, where I have found that one missing piece that I was after to make sense of what I am doing or thinking, where my body feels in synch with her heart, where a smile of a total stranger is the ultimate boost shake, where you come to terms with what you have instead what you are longing for, where you embrace hope once again and that against all odds (the States is momentarily the best place ever to so),where my taste buds go into a certain modus that I can only describe as ‘full on’, where background music intensifies sitting in a waiting area,  where picking out your newest acquisition for your charm bracelet stands for so much then just the amount it costs, where singing along in a Sunday church gives you goosebumps and even makes your cry…I could go on and on but it is rather a mission impossible to reenact by the means of words what I have been experiencing.  Every Summer I need to come to terms that I have been there on my own that even the people closest to me and who might be present are not even getting close to what I am sensing and experiencing.

The closest I got to finding the most fitting words for this experience I came across in ‘Tell Me Three Things’ by Jullie Buxbaum, one of the 3 books that I managed to read in between all the fun and joy:
“Perfect days are for people with small, realizable dreams.  Or maybe for all of us, they just happen in retrospect; they’re only now perfect because they contain something irrevocably and irretrievably lost.”

So yes, I had 13 perfect days abroad that have brought me so much more than I could even imagine while booking my flights, filling in my ESTA online document or when packing.  Not all of them were with joy…some of them made me realize that it might be a while before I will be back to write the next chapter of a guidebook that I do not have a clue where it will take me to.

I also wish to thank my great in laws L&L and their awesome daughter/niece A, my closest American friend H, her cool husband J and cutie pie daughters G and L, H her lovely parents who all have spoiled me to bits. It is highly appreciated and believe me you all gave me an energy boost that I will not easily find in a container of vitamins.  Thank you of the bottom of my heart for having created those moments that I can only describe as being ‘perfect memories’ of something that I now have ‘lost’ knowing that I can not wait for the next time we meet up again for an other round of ‘found’. 

Hoping that all of you are having/had such an intense and incredible fun Summer as I did and that if you are still about to book or board your well deserved break away then I wish you an unforgettable ‘found&lost’-time.  Just do not forget to take along your phone/camera & charger so that you will have some ‘proof’ of these intense and joyful moments to look during a rainy, cold and dark day.

P.S.: These two songs are connected with my trip.  The first one I even get to hear preform life by Taylor Swift in a mega stadium while I was fighting jetlag and at times did think that this all was not happening. Thank you L for taking to that concert of a life time!  The second one is a song that my friend H loved playing in the car while we drove though the Austin landscape, one kind of a landscape that enables to make me breath more easily. That I have to let go many at these kind of trips is something I will never get used to! Missing you already heaps! 

Heartfelt

There are those days that

sunlight reflects all your emotions
the sky is as blue as the water at the shore of Bora Bora
the bottled smell of roses and deep musk leave behind a trail in the air
hands on your shoulders linger around a little bit longer
smiles send little jolts of energy through your body and mind
high stemmed glasses are filled up with stars
you do not need many words to say what you wish to say
fashionable heels on your pedicured feet and precious cufflinks pricked into white shirts lighten up your mood
something old, new, borrowed and blue collide
white doves fly over and evoke only silence, the silence you long for
the word ‘yes’ brings back fond memories and creates new shiny ones
bitter and sweet flavors leave behind intense sensations
white table linnen and starched napkins add some more style
black ink on white paper creates a bond beyond words
hair pins and nail polish are added to the fashionable cocktail
striking a pose in the evening sun makes you jump for joy
a kiss leaves behind a tingling imprint on your heart
tears are for once the most intense and unconditional reflection of your fondest memories
butterflies inside and outside fly by
the cheers of children and giggling of babies add an extra dimension
a ring stands for never-ending when it comes down to love, faith and hope
a walk on cobbled stones leads to more joyful moments
candles in church and on tables in the moonlight flicker to remind you of the preciousness of life
lipstick and eyeliner that are considered waterproof don’t live up to their expectations
friends and family are joined together in order to create new and everlasting memories
looking over your shoulders you do once more to reconfirm the present and jump into the deep
the waning crescent and bright stars on your way home announce the next chapter you are longing for…longing for what you have chosen for to have, to hold and to embrace.

Summer days as such describe exactly what you wish to hold on to…no matter what.



Congrats to my little sis, her husband C and their 'jillybean' J.



PS: That the Red Devils came in third in Russia that day only intensified all of the above. Memorable & joyful days they do exist…we just need to be reminded of those once in a while.  I did pick a very cheesy song to go along with this one. But in way this is to express how happy I am for my sister who is in many ways my opposite.  Twilight was that evening unforgettable beautiful as well...

Summerschool

Twenty years…yesterday I wrapped up twenty years in education.  Yes, there were tears and smiles involved in saying goodbye, letting go, decluttering and evaluating the previous 10 months.  By now I know so well and that I still not get myself under control when it comes down to moving on and detaching myself when it comes down to my job description.  It is what it is…people move on and surely in education.  Not just the young people you get the privilege to work with but also the professionals you work with.  Last night when I drove home I suddenly was completely overwhelmed by one of these sensations that I can very hard put into words.  But yes, it is the feeling that I signed up for I graduated from teaching college. This is what I was after… and yesterday it hit me right between the eyes and it was mind-blowing.

So I have taken myself the liberty to say a few things that I found out about teaching over the last two decades. 

Teaching is coming to terms that there will never be enough time.
Teaching is giving up your control now and then.
Teaching is dreaming that the best is yet to come.
Teaching is relying on technology and coffee machine.
Teaching is coming up with a plan D within seconds.
Teaching is wishing that you could do so much more for all involved.
Teaching is putting into action what you preach.
Teaching is never ever wishing to give up.
Teaching is empowering the young& less young minds.
Teaching is lifelong learning.
Teaching is believing that there is more than only one road to bring all to the final destination.
Teaching is dancing, singing and acting to get your point and message across.
Teaching is reflecting and assessing the past and aiming for a better future.
Teaching is putting things in the right perspective after reading between the lines.
Teaching is sleepless nights in order to have careless days.
Teaching is listening to everyone at any time of the day.
Teaching is exploring and going on great adventures.
Teaching is caring about those tiny little details that perhaps nobody might notice.
Teaching is picking up the broken pieces and putting them back together.  Endless times.
Teaching is giving others wings while you need be grounded.
………
TEACHING IS EVERYTHING AND NOTHING AT THE SAME TIME.

Some of these you for sure will be able to understand and others might be rather puzzling.  There might be even a few that you already have come across in other lists of certain jobs. That is okay and as I said this is my personal experience. 

Six years ago I said goodbye to a very special place to move on to an other special spot.  Both of them have given me so much.  Yes, there have been tears and very deep going & fierce emotions. This lady here has got a very outspoken opinion about what teaching can and should be about. It thanks to very diverse group of students and outspoken motivated and passionate colleagues that I do believe that education is the key to success.  Not that is easy to get by.

It still involves a lot of work and seeing past many hurdles in order to get done what you aiming for.  Oh yes, I have been challenged many times.  Not only by students but also by coworkers, mentors,  line managers, coordinators, heads, board members, pedagogical advisors, parents, psychologist, the government and last but not least also by society.

Nope I have not got a degree in magic potions or carry a magic want into my teaching habitat.  Not that I would mind to have sometimes some special forces to get through a rainy and rather gloomy day when nothing seems to work. 

That I have been given this school year to go on two major CPDs surely has given me a professional boost.  The first one was the four day leadership course that I did embark on with rather a big doses of skepticism. Not that I did question the course itself but rather me being one of the participants.  That I had to sacrifice one of my weekends due it made even a bit more challenging.

In the end I have to state that it for sure has given me a few insights on how leadership can work inside and outside a classroom.  That being an leader and being led are in a very close relationship and that friction is never far away.  I not only walked out of the building feeling rather refreshed but also wiser.  I have promised myself a few things while being on that course.  Some of these promises I am already trying to put into action.  It won’t be easy to keep all of them up at the same time.  Plus that I strongly believe that leading is also about empowering others.  So I am expected to have good days and some rather stormy days heading my way when it will come to this. 

But then the content of the second CPD ‘Mindfullness in schools’ conference, that I got to attend with my cool coworker U in the city that I will never grown tired of London,  might save myself and I.  Not that this will be a walk through the park either.  Mindfulness is surely not a novelty anymore but it does involve a lot of practice and hard work when it comes down to integrating successfully into a school.  Momentarily I am staring at my stack of Summer reads and some of them are mindfulness books.  I even also purchased and downloaded  the Budhify app on my phone.  If I wish to be the mindfulness teacher that I envision myself to be I will also have to make some promises with myself on that part.

The thing is that in a way I never have felt so refreshed at the end of a school year due to these two professional development opportunities.  Yes, I am planning to enjoy my well deserved Summer holiday.   I can’t wait to meet up with some of my friends and family and make so happy and intense memories that will add up to the mindfulness and ‘dolce far niente’ cocktail that I do hope to bottle up and get out in case of emergency in the school year ahead. 

So yes, I am very grateful for so many people and things that have happened to me over the 20 years.  Most of all I am very happy that I had the pleasure to have been taught by and also worked with some great teachers myself. People that have given me all that I now hope to pass on to the children that I get the privileged to teach and have under my care.  The imprint they left behind on my heart and mind is stronger than any education related study or regulations that I need to put into action. 

To wrap up this entry I opted to for using a song out of movie also the Y6 opted for to sing a song from  in their great annual production.  This is year it was that one song that so many know from that one movie called ‘The Greatest Showman’.  From now on there will be two songs that now stands for so much more than part of a major motion picture. One you will find at the bottom of this blong entry.  Those amazing students I will surely miss now that they move on to their secondary school but the song surely will make my heart beat faster and remind me of all those promises I have made myself. A teacher might now an then be also a showman but then I will be reminded as well of the words by the character P.T. Barnum says:’For years, I chased their cheers.’  When it comes down to leading I do not wish to chase for cheers of others but rather for matters. 

Have yourself all a great Summer.  Aim high when it comes down to making memories and hug the ones you love, live within the moment, fill up a high stemmed glass with champagne to celebrate, read a book that you always wanted to do, dance whenever you feel like it, book that spa treatment that your body screams for, call that one friend that you have not seen for a long time for an impromptu luncheon, do not forget to pack your passport or the sun protection when traveling abroad, wander through a museum that you have postponed to visit, look first yourself before putting a picture on Instagram,  sing under the shower,  look up in the sky once in a while and first of all remember rule #6 that I so much believe in: Do not take yourself so serious….because when it comes down to life lessons we only get one teacher and that is life itself and that is the greatest show on earth.  Embrace it, make it worth and share the wealth with others…and then it might end up being even beyond that.  Summer school can be the best preparation for the real thing...

http://www.jmlalonde.com/quotes-leadership-lessons-greatest-showman/

Borderline

I have been trying very hard to come up with a piece that describes what goes on in my mind and heart when I read and watch what is going on in the US but also beyond when it comes down to immigration. So much stories made the press that made me swallow or even tear up.  The list is rather long and there is not a lot that I can tell myself to find the silver lining within these news reports.  There is not such a thing when it comes down to humans who try to find a new safe home.  They are all humans who are looking for a place where they can live in liberty and peace without having to look constantly over their shoulder.   Also places where they will be able to give their children the opportunities they have never been given themselves/  No, I can’t picture what it is like to live in countries where there is constant war going, where there is hunger or economic turmoil.  I can't...honestly I am not an expert in that field.

So no, I do not feel that connected to most of these people who put everything at stake in order to reach Europe or any other nation that they consider the promised land. Sorry. Now do not get me wrong here.  I just can’t claim that I do feel what many must feel like when they pack up some of their belongings an leave the country where they were born and have tried to make living and raise a family.  But then that is not what I wish to point out by writing this.     Still, I do have enough humanity running through my veins to feel at least a few things when it comes down to all the stories that I come across on my Twitter feed or hear & see about in the press.

Immigration is an old tale and it comes in many forms and shapes. I guess that when Hollywood casted Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman for the main parts in ‘Far&Away’  it seemed to have been about a race and putting a lot at stake for the perfect spot.  Being an Outlander fan who momentarily is reading part 5 that takes place in the former colonies of the nation where tea and wine gums come from I seem to find out once more that colonisation did come along with lots of downsides as well. You don't need to tell a Belgian who does not ignore the history of her own nation. History tells tales for the future to learn from we seem to forget easily when it comes down to the past.

Ever since 9/11 immigration started to come with an even more bitter after taste. Suddenly the enemy was amongst us but it seemed that at a certain point he/she had been let in by us.  Society seemed not to be able to hold up the promises that were made to many.   Instead it seemed to have forsaken all the values we believe in when it comes down to pursue happiness and peace.  There seems to be more and more 'us and them' in social and political debates. People who cross nowadays borders without passports or the right documents fill us up rather with negative sounding words that make me rather feel down and in danger.  Fear is becoming the moral compass that many nations have selected as their upper most priority to create a safe home. No,  Europe and the VS both do not seem to get into balance when it comes down to immigration.


Every day I do find something out there to read and analyze that tells me that lots is at stake.  That these human beings on the run do not have anything to offer or that just want to profit from those social services and rights that we so hard to have to work for in order to keep them up and running.  I get that…I do. In most nations lots of issues are going on that surely cause many concerns.  No, I do not have got the answers how to ‘fix’ this crisis.   Also I do not wish to sugar coat it. It is what it is and it won’t get easier soon we are told over and over. For over a decade I already hope that there will be enough sane politicians who will dare to come up with a system that works for all involved. Not that I expect that they will be able to keep everybody happy. That is an utopia and according to some I even live in a nation that is exactly that.   And many have already expressed very clearly what they think about that.  The word 'hellhole' must ring a bell when it comes down to my nation.  

Oh yes, I do wish to preserve my own nation’s heritage, languages and some its very fragile cultural treasures and customs.  Stallie is proud to be who she is and that is in the first place connected with the ground on which she lives or lived at.  All the nations that I ended up for a short or longer time have formed me but I am rooted within my nation.  Here is where I live the prosperous live I am aiming for on a daily basis.   Nope my nation is not perfect, far from but at least I can be the person who I wish to be and that without constantly having to fear for my life and I still have been given enough options to express my opinion about many things.  Oh yes, terrorism is looming around many corners of my capital and jumping on the metro or walking into our international airport can for some of us be now rather a traumatic experience since that one day in March about 2 years ago.  It has left deep scars and it will never feel the same again. That is reality and I am trying to give it the place inside of my own busy mind it deserves but even that is a challenge.

Now I do not wish to dive further into the complexity of immigration. I do try to find out for myself where I am on the spectrum when it comes down to this without having to choose one particular side.  More than once I have pointed out that I do not like the word polarization and that I do not believe in just black or white in most crucial debates.  The analytic brain is having a blast momentarily when it comes down to figuring out where I do stand on many issues.  So also when it comes down to this but this week something happened that surely grounded me. 

So here we go…DON’T TOUCH THE CHILDREN….they are not be toyed around with, they are not ransom, they are not be used as a kind of bargain, they are not the ones that should be blamed, they are not to be treated as a statistic, they are not the embodiment of fear and anger that comes along with destruction, they are not just tiny humans that are copy&paste of their parents…THEY ARE NOT…. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT. They are so much more...

Yes, when I did find out what was going on at the Mexican border with the US my body filled up with anger, sadness, frustration, doubt and fear. Suddenly a certain feeling kicked back in. That one feeling that I so strongly had experienced when I had given birth to my son A.  All my mother instincts were going into overdrive and believe me that I do not consider that a pretty sight.  It goes very deep and there are perhaps only a few who can follow me there.

When I read how parents where separated of their children I did feel so numb.  Because that is what I felt like when they took A away from me when I gave birth to him.  The moment that so many of women look forward when they are pregnant and long for, the first skin to skin contact with their child, I never got to experience.  It was then that something inside of me broke…something that once in a while makes me feel less secure when it comes down to motherhood.

Oh yes, I did try to sugarcoat it with many words that other people try to point out to be.  That it had not been my fault that I had gotten ill during my pregnancy and that those things do happen.  The thing is that what I went through I was not able to put into words but I had no clue what it had to feel like. I had nothing to compare it to.  It was my first birth and that they took my premature baby away from my point of view vital in oder to let him survive.  I lay there in a sedative status and I had no clue what to feel like.  Believe me it was one of the most intense moments of my life but I had never been so ‘empty’ at the same time.  My mind&heart kicked into survival modus and I just went on.

I felt totally out of place in the NICU and even when the nurses tried to stimulate to touch A I felt not comfortable.  The sterile environment and the clinical language I picked up made me feel rather useless and out of place.  On top of that  I was constantly in pain and did I question my own motherhood.  The fear and the anger that were racing through my body seemed to make me feel even more disconnected with my son.   Plus I was so convinced that so much still could go wrong. One infection could be one too many.   Now I do not wish to go further into this rather traumatic experience. If you have been longer out here with me or even know me personal then you know that all did end well. 

A was discharged six weeks after his first breath and I tried to start putting together the puzzle pieces to feel connected with my child.  I did imagine that we would be able to just pick up where we had left.  That the joyful moment when he moved in with us we would make up for 'lost' bounding time. Well, that was much harder than I imagined. First of all I did not know what bounding had to feel like.  When other young mothers told me what they felt and experienced I felt totally out of place.  My silence was communicating doubt within myself.  When young parents talked about fear and being pulled apart of their young born I even sometimes wondered why they did feel that way.  In a way I even envied them.  I still do. If I see my own sister in action with her 9 months daughter I even feel a bit down because I seem to have missed out on something that goes very deep.

Still, when it comes down to hand over you children to strangers I am an expert. I have done it numerous times and in the first place to let him survive.  My options were limited and very simple.   Still, the emotional out come of that act I have deeply underestimated. It is only years later that I can see clearly and express what I felt like and sometimes feel like.   That I might have needed more help in order to be the parent I wished to be for my child was something that I did not seem to be able to ask for.   But I know for sure  that  the parent-child bound is so essential. It is the biggest jump start you can give a child. It is the beginning of life…it connects and is not only a skin to skin act but emotional one. It is where humanity connects and is passed over to the next generation in order to let go but to feel grounded and safe.

So when I then look at the images of children who ended up in cages and are pulled away from their parents I do feel nauseous.  If you then find an expert to ‘testify’ that it can’t hurt a child to be taken away from their parents then I do get in overdrive.  It are our parents who raise us, who guide us and in our childhood years try to teach in combination with school us the essentials in order to be human.  Not that all child-parent stories are success stories.  Far from that but trying to justify this act is one of the most horrid acts when it comes down to mental healthcare of the young minds but also of the generation that now is calling the shots.

What angers me as well is that there are enough people out there who will believe that this is a necessary act.   I just stared at my screen when I picked up on what a radiologist told in front of a Fox News camera.  The scary part of such interviews is that people like her are used to form the moral compass that many will tend to use to go on when they might be questioned in a debate or conversation in the supermarket.  ‘Hey, once they are reunited they will be fine. They will pick up where they left.  After all they have been fed, been given clothes and schooling. It is almost if they have been on summer camp.’  EXCUSE ME?  Come again….. YOU DO NOT HAVE GOT A CLUE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, DO YOU?  Are you an expert in this field?  Have you been there out with them when they tried to push their limits and cross borders?  Have you ever experienced what it feels like when they take away your children and that you don't know where they are taken?   I don’t think so.  Neither was I and I can only try to imagine what it must be like when you embark on such journey, not knowing if it will even end well.

Personal I do think that there are only losers when it comes down in these kind of stories.  There is nothing to sugarcoat it with. Sorry for using the word sugarcoat more than once in this entry, but according to me it is a word that covers best what many try to do momentarily. You can not draw a silver lining around pictures of children who are distressed and crying.  The ones who do not show these emotions might still experience them but try to hide them.  That we at this stage in human history consider them 'statistics' and try to talk ‘sense’ into our heads by coming up with ‘excuses’ why this is 'necessary' and 'essential' I honestly refuse to accept as the truth. I have been spending some time across the border while I left my child behind not knowing when I would meet up with him in my arms to believe otherwise.

Daily children are pulled away from the parents.  In some cases it might be essential due to the circumstances and the child might even be in danger. There are children who become orphans due to many reasons and there are also stories of young people who have decided that they need to get away from their parents in order to survive.   There are millions of street children who live out there on the streets trying to make it through the day.   Yes, there are parents who have lost their child while being on the run for war, climate change, regime change, economic crises, hunger and many more reasons that make parents to jump into the unknown and embark a boat or climb into a truck.  But pulling them apart while crossing a border...I am not sure if this is a vital neccesisity to safeguard our values, morals, society and nation.

That I love teaching so passionately is connected with those feelings and my own personal story when it comes down to parenthood. I can never ever replace a parent and that should never be an aim when you work with children.  Day in day out I feel privileged to be given the opportunity to work with children.  I don’t take them for granted. I try to see them as strong individuals who will hopeful find one day their spot in society that hopefully will add something to humanity. They teach me daily a few things themselves.  Unconditionaly and without a hidden agenda.  I feel blessed but it also makes me fully aware that there are so many young people who are not given these opportunties and can't thrive and use thier talents at full potential. 

My biggest fear is that that we are heading for a time in which we describe  ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ as a superb series or book but not dare to look closer and identity the real symptoms our own societies suffer from.  Atwood did write this gripping tale in the seventies when I was learing to ride a bike and blew out careless my birthday candles.  I was 18 years old when I read it in the US as part of the American Literature course I took in high school. The story made me feeling uncomfortable and surely not smiling. There are no silver linings in that novel.  Children are ripped apart of their parents and society considers that as justified in order to maintain law&order.  I don’t think I need to go deeper into this make you see what the parallels are with what we are witnessing today.

So I consider parental bounding essential in raising a child.  Not that there are guarantees that the relationship will remain flawless but stating that it does not harm or has got any consequences when you take the parent out of the picture is in my humble opinion pure nonsense.  I would have rather used a different kind of word to describe what I mean but I try to stay polite. 

Plus it is not that now that Mr President has put a gigantic signature on a document that these children will easily be reunited with their parents.  In the US there is no procedure at hand for these kind of situations.  Now I am not saying that my own nation has got everything sorted when it comes down to children’s rights.  We are not doing everything 100% perfect and it is not because you have signed the Universal Children’s Right convention that you automatically can be considered child friendly on all levels.

Still…taking away children from their parents you can’t justify even when you start to quote the bible.  Nope sorry…that is one bridge too far for me.  I just refuse to consider this a normal, justified act…I don’t.  There are many things that we are supposed to consider as the 'new normal' due to the polarization that is going on in many political and social debates. Still I refuse to give in when it comes down to finding out both sides of the medal before judging many. Picking sides I never liked to do anyway.  After all I was one of the kids at school that nobody was likely to choose on their team. But when it comes down children’s right and their welfare I will always pick their side.   I might be spending quite some time on the borderline when it comes down to many things but when it comes down to children I know when to cross the border…and I will alway join them!  After all they are the future.  We are going to be judged by them…let that sink in…