The Burst Bubble...

 

So next week I will be back where I so much long for to be back at…at work…at school…on the campus of the educational hotspot. It is the place where I  can be the closest to who really I wish to be.  Yes, I am so excited to go back! Never ever have I been so happy for September to arrive on a calendar and this despite all the negative press that I have come across in newspapers and social media.

Yes, I am skinny dipping in the depressed zone of the jacuzzi and I am having a very hard time to stay afloat and putting things in perspective. The bubble did burst...and I am not talking about the social bubble that I am allowed to have! Nope it is the mental one.  I did try very hard to fight back but then one day it happened!  For a few weeks I even did not manage to get myself out of bed and staying awake more than a few hours and the only thing that I longed for was food.  So yip, when you see me back you will wonder what happened with me?  It is visible and no I am not proud of myself.  My body tells me what went on in my head and brain.  There is nothing I can and wish to use in my own defence but I guess that many of you just know me well enough know that at a certain point I just dive into the cookie tin. It is the only resort…

Nope, I am not the happy bunny that has made the most of her summer and the word bliss I have not been able to connect with most days. Especially August has been a struggle.  Big time…I have tried a few times to put on a brave smile and trying to stay afloat in the dark storm but one week into that month and I just could not jump out of the rollercoaster of dark emotions.  I did cry most of the time and I could this every where and I was only interested in food…nothing else.  Hardly could concentrate myself on my stack of books, the movies or TV series that I was binge watching on Netflix.  I stared into the darkness and I did also pushed myself further and further away from friends and family…. and that is new…and yes that is due to Covid-19.

I was  afraid and a big part of my still is?  Why? Well I am who I am.  The idea that many who I consider friends or people I have got things  in common with will judge me for my personal behaviour or opinions about the little bugger and will start questioning me.  Seriously, you should see me when I start planning a day. I have canceled all the fun out of my life and body contact.  I can hardly come up with justified reasons to go shopping, walking or visiting a museum or sorting out a restaurant booking.  Over the last few months I have hardly posted any pictures on Facebook or Twitter that could beam happiness or carelessness. No images of something that has brought me happiness and helped me to relax can be found out there. I just could not do it and every single time I rather other people their well being or opinions, that they already had been expressing very openly on social media or on the phone or even face to face, in my mind.  My covid-19 mantra of ‘Be kind’ just made me go mentally through the roof.

Do not now get me wrong… I do think that certain people have been behaving irresponsible but more and more I do wonder why certain people go totally over board on social media when they see people not wearing a mask or do not understand that people miss going shopping together.  I keep my grudges mostly to myself and I constantly question my own behaviour instead.  The things I go overboard about are more basic.  Believe me that what I see happening in our street when it comes down to the knowledge of the traffic rules filled me up with rage.  I even started to yell at people who did think they were living in the UK when using the biking lane/pedestrian walk.  It only got worse since COVID-19 arrived...believe me...I see it daily in front of me going on live!!!   COVID-19 is not an excuse to just kick overboard the basics or did I miss out on a certain public announcement!!!   Or the locals I see in action in a supermarket who wear all the high sophisticated PPE but then think that this gives them the right to put together their own box of strawberries and inspect them throughly while wearing surgical gloves!  EXCUSE ME!!!!???  I lost it at that moment…my world did not make any sense anymore...

And do not get me started on ignoring the arrows on a street or in a shop!  One day I even ended up being the only one who seemed to have figured out what they stood for.   So if many do not live by the basics why then plaster that one recent study on your social media wall or time line and vent your frustrations about the fact that people dare to fly to sunny distinations???    It beats me big time...it hits me right between the eyes and it still will then trigger my mind to question my own behaviour rather than yours.   Getting the picture what is going on with me? 

Those are the moments where it goes mentally wrong with me. I just don’t recognise people anymore…I have lost all the sense of direction. I am flying blind and I don’t know when I am allowed to breath freely and enjoy that one sunset I see when I do manage to put on my walking shoes. I desperately try not vent my outspoken emotions that I am filled up but within there is only rage, fear, sadness, loss and foremost GRIEF.  A feeling that I know so well.  I have been saying mentally farewell to so many things and even people that every day I am sinking deeper in the pool of darkness.  The tears that fall into my kitchen sink and mix with the soap that first has touched my hands are the evidence that I try to destroy desperateldy and hope nobody notices.


So it is me who has brought this to herself and I have not dared to call most of you to explain why I do not feel refreshed after 2 months being lesson planning free. No…I have been trying just to get through one day at the time without moaning to others. I have canceled everything that I had looked forward to and it made me feel very humble.  My home has been the only place I have been camping out at and always I do hope deep down inside that it would benefit something or somebody.   No last minute change of plans or meeting up with friends who always give me the needed energy boost and can inspire me.   The few ones I have managed to see this Summer had to convince me big time to get out of my house.  Yes, I will analyse everything before I can relax and this time I just hit many times the brick wall already in my own home. I did stay put and therefor it just made things worse…

I refused to go out for walks and I even did not manage to do the washing up in a decent manner.  When I called people I was always about to burst into tears and my skin was burning for human interaction.  Yes, I get it why we have to keep apart and why we just can not meet up in a closed spaces but from day one I had the long term picture in my mind where this is heading for and it is a rather dark gloomy world that I envision.  I cry because I miss quite a few people and even family that live abroad and can not easily jump on a plane in order to visit and vice versa. We have canceled so much and I can not even picture myself anymore that I will ever book an airplane ticket or board a train or metro.  It is like I am frozen and I do not see the end of the tunnel.

Once I was called optimistic and romantic…well believe me I am in a million of pieces at the moment and I can not keep up my brave composure for most of the time.  So if you run into me you will see that I gained a lot of weight and my hair might look as if a frying pan has been poured over it then please try to put it into perspective.  No, I am not proud of the way I look and I do not have one single excuse why this happened.  Believe me I don’t…it just happened…I was dragged into the dead alley and knew very well what would be awaiting me.  I know the symptoms and I know the signs.  I grabbed the key and closed myself into a room where nobody is allowed inside because I just do not wish to bother others with my despair and my less optimistic human nature.  After all we are all in this together... Well sorry but that is rather the essence of my personal mental crisis... I don't feel that connection anymore...I lost it...I feel pushed away and judged about many and the group of people is great and distinguished: politicians, scientists, experts, journalists, total strangers and even friends....

Oh yes and therefor I am so happy that my other significant one also noticed what was going on.  He knows me well and he even named the beast that was now lingering around in our castle.   There was a time he would have grabbed my shoulders and demanded me snap out of it. Well…I guess being over 19 years together makes you already a bit more wise.   He rather questioned me and wanted me to look into the ways that I did manage it the previous times.  In the midst of this whole global turmoil I found out more than ever that I do love him and I do feel blessed that I have him with me within this long term crisis situation.  

P still manages to make me LOL (more than ever…and at the most expected times) and he makes me focus on these things that matter.   He is a restless soul just like me and he loves his profession and is very down to earth.  Compared to me he is better equipped to face a pandemic of this kind due to the fact that he is not the social animal that I tend to be.   He is fully aware that I had to make ‘sacrifices’ in order to make this work and he is was the one who last week described my break to be not a successful one.  He is always been honest with me and even if it hurts big time.  More than ever I now start to appreciate that personaly trait he exposes even if the timing is not always so great. 

In February when I asked him about the risks of COVID-19 he replied me with no emotions what so ever ‘Yes, you can die of this…’.   For a moment I wanted to run away from him because he is the one who should give me comfort and protect me.  Yeah, deep down I am still the hopeless romantic!   But at the same time it then hit me big time right between the eyes.  My father was exactly the same…he never did hide the dark side in any story that involved heath, illness and death.   That dark cold and wet February evening I fell back in love in a dark street of our town with the man who tries very hard to look forward  in a global crisis without forsaking what he has been taught and preaches.   He is worried about patients who have gained weight since this all started is not a very promising side effect of this virus as well.  I am so grateful that he is with me within the s*** storm.  And some of you know that this not always has been the case but COVID-19 pushes a lot to surface...

So honestly, I have not been handling mentally this all very well and many days I am rather about to loose it.  There is a part inside of me who knows so well that this is rather temporary but there is so much polarisation and political turmoil going on that my mind just does not manage to calm down.  This lady is so happy to be heading back to campus and is realistic enough to face the fact that there are chances that there will be people getting ill and even catch the bugger.  After all I am not the naiev person...or at least that is what I believe.

It won’t be easy and there will be a lot of chaos to deal with besides the one we already face every year over and over again.   I am ready to face ‘the enemy’ and this also due to the fact that I feel very much supported by my many of my coworkers.  It won’t be an ordinary school year and there might be moments that we are going to be worried and that the rollercoaster ride will take us high but also very deep but at least I won’t out there on my own.  Yes, I will have to remain honest with myself and also put myself and my wellbeing at times first. This is not within my nature but this academic year is a total different ball game.  Being honest with myself for the sake of many will be for sure high up on my list of intentions for the new school year. 

But foremost I am very happy to have that one person with me that has over the last 6 months managed to keep me going and has given me the space to even go low.  I have not been the best sport to be around in the last few weeks but that he acknowledged that the summer break was rather s*** besides a few very tasty restaurant visits.  That he has not force me to pretend that all was milk and honey has surely helped.  I do expect some further bumby and stormy days and that I will need this shoulder to rest on and that he will come up with a quirky remark in order to pull me through an other windy and dark Autumn day but so far so good…and his honesty will make the difference and also a huge box of Dominique Persoone chocolates or a velvet cupcake will help.  Just in case you wonder how to get me back on track.

Now if you have seen the ending of the movie ‘The King’ where Henry V faces his bride to be Catharine of Vallois after he found out how things really went on behind his back you might understand what I am after.  If not this is a movie that reflects Shakespeare at his best and a must see with a great cast.  The last scene is iconic…even tough all the ones that are interested in Royal Houses know where Henry V ends up in the end but in this case the director has chosen to let the movie end differently. And how grateful I am for that.   Henry V his request is one of the most powerful ones in any union of any kind.   I got goosebumps when I saw Timothée Chalamet and Lily-Rose Melody Depp (yes, the daughter of the Disney pirate Johnny and the lovely French voice of Vanessa Paradis) standing opposite each other and looking each other.  All their fences went down and his request is one of the most sincere you can ask any person. 

Hereby I wish all teachers all over the world the very best for the coming academic year.  Remote teaching or face to face it all will demand a lot of persistence and patience.  No, you are not alone in all of this but please remain honest and kind to yourself! Some of you will start brand new professional adventures and others will have push themselves beyond in order to make it work for your whole family.  I wish every single of you all to have a few kindred spirits or beloved souls who hang out with you in whatever manner who will be able to keep you going strong together and believe that there is always a candle burning somewhere….

PS: In case you still have intention to watch ‘The King’ then this is a spoiler and you might not wish to see that scenes between Catherine and Henry V.   Yes, Shakespeare did play around with reality but we all do this once in a while.  But the central message he wished to send out was surely clear….that a woman once again tells a man to zoom out in order to see clearer in close up was at that time surely not the most obvious thing to do for a play wright.  Plus I have chosen three songs to go along with this entry that kind of reflect my ups and downs at the moment but foremost my love…for all of you and the things that I can not live without.  Pease be kind with each other…and yourself!

 

Burst Mental Bubble

It is a damn hot Summer in Belgium… and not only the weather is reaching tropical standards but also one look at our recent COVID-numbers is enough to start sweating and running a temperature.  Nope…Stallie is not a happy bunny.  Yes, I have been a bit more social over the last few weeks but every time I end up feeling guilty and wondering if this was the one bridge too far.   We are five months further since I did find out about a virus outbreak in China.  Five months further down a time line that seems never ever going to spit out enough positive news.  More than ever I am feeling the social impact of this tiny bugger that will not just leave easily.  It is a virus after all…they don’t leave…they remain…they slumber…they just go underground… (you see what is doing to my brain…sorry…)

No, I don’t understand people that even think it is a good idea to travel abroad and pretend the virus is not around or ‘dare’ to jump up and down in a night club in Italy on the beats of Charlotte de Witte.   I don’t see the thrill of these activities anymore because the mortgage you have taken on them is even higher than the one they might have taken on the sports car or the lovely high tech home they have or the study loan they still have got to pay…. But I try to remain kind and put everybody’s actions in the perspective they deserve. It is starting to become harder by the day but I keep trying very hard....

After all when the temperature is about 30 and you happen to live in a tiny apartment with three small children who desperately need some cooling down then I can get it why you decided to go to the seaside for the day.  That then our national railway did then run total loss in the evening and many ended up behaving like trapped wild is also no wonder.  It was to be expected…it is hard to witness but it is what it is.   Yes, I look with envy at what others are doing that I do not dare because at the moment I am dealing with COVID mental lockdown.  My brain refused to take me to places where it is sunny, breezy and the air smells of lavender and glasses are filled up with Aperol.  I don’t get my head around human behaviour anymore…including my own.

I hate to say it but I feel guilty about everything I do…and that includes going to see one of my closest friends D who battled COVID herself and is a nurse.  Seeing her back was emotional…one look at her made me feel out of place. There was nothing I could tell her that things would smooth out in the months to come.  She was enjoying her one week holiday in her garden where she spends most of her time trying to disconnect from the turmoil the virus brings along.  It is tough and she tries to raise four teenagers who also show a lot of resilience and the will to push further.  When she told me that she does not even dare to go to her favourite florist in the closest city made me feel guilty that I can pick up every week mine without having to worry to walk into that many people. 

She is predicting that her second week of leave of absence will be revoked due the high numbers.  Her opinion is that there are still too many people out there who do not take this serious enough and then she is talking about the basics.  Yes, there are people who take this bugger very serious and even tend to go overboard.  I myself am turning bit by bit more into a hypochondriac and have emptied my social calendar. Not that I had to delete a lot but apparently it was still too much.  For the moment I cry a lot and there are days that I hardly manage to see any silver lining in all of this.  It as if nothing helps anymore and that the bag of tricks is empty…

Nope…my summer break is not been relaxing so far and if I do not disconnect soon from the media and certain individuals who plant seeds in my head I will be heading to a place where I just do not wish to return to.  One leg is already resting in that particular zone and I do not wish to go deeper into that zone but this time it is very tempting and irresistible.  The tears are popping up before I can even take a deep breath and swallow them back down.

For now the numbers in my nation are only going to go up and nobody will be able to tell us when they will go back down for real and remain slumbering.    The word lockdown is mentioned more than once by leading experts and then I just go overboard.  I need a classroom…I need my profession in order to stay focused and sane.   Even if it means wearing a mask.  People that are telling that wearing them is annoying and that it takes away freedom I do try to understand but in my case it opened up a possibility. I seized that opportunity last June and nope it is was not easy but I and my colleagues managed to make it work for all involved  Especially when it was hot out side and there is no wind to cool down a classroom and you are not supposed to turn the ventilators due to the risk of spreading the little bugger around even more. 

Yes, I have managed to create a few nice memories and that I got to see my mother back and spend some quality time with her means the world to me.    At the moment she is the Alpha in our family.  She is the glue and believe me she rocks at it.   Yes, I call her when I just can not handle the stress anymore and she then tries to talk sense back into my turmoiled brain.  A brain she knows well.  That she even ordered especially a book called  ‘De gelukkige piekeraar’ by professor Bart Verkuil for me tells me what that she knows that at this point in my life I go full over drive and that they don’t see any positives at the moment.

Stallie has got even days that she tends to be aggressive and is about to nail a total stranger who thinks that the best spot for a mouth mask to hang out at is their chin when they are walking through a shop, waiting for the bus and come too close for my liking when I try to reach for mozzarella cheese in the the dairy section of my local supermarket.  Yes, I am scared and every single day I think I am about to die when the virus hits me between the eyes.

Experts and health care workers their opinions can have a very big impact on my thinking…they are leading me through the darkest storm I ever faced but there are moments they I just don’t understand them anymore. They used to make sense and most days their general messages still make sense but one little spark of their real thinking that they out in an interview is enough for me to go ballistic mental.  Plus the moment I calm down there is a now scientific report popping up.  Peer reviewed...not always but that is at this stage and due to the global impact something that many people do not consider that important to jump to conclusion or even leave space for debate or a 'healthy' discussion.  Polarisation beyond. 

Nope, mentally were are not guided through this.   Nope, engaging influencers to stimulate people to share more openly your contacts when contacted by a total strangers is not going to work.  And nope, that group of people that ‘we’ still not seem to reach in order to make it work for all of us you will not get on board by hanging up posters next to the street or recording a You Tube demonstration clip how to wear a mask properly.   It is not working…IT IS NOT WORKING!!!!  You need to come up with something else because at the moment the majority of the people that listen, read, follow up the advice and push the heavy and slow waggon are still the same number of people...and they are growing tired and some of them start to feel trapped and wonder when they will be allowed to do something that now is forbidden.  

It is not rocket science…it is realism and if you now wonder why it does not work then I might just walk out of the room and slam a few doors.  Really?  Come on…it is not hard to see why not… Yes, it is vital that all of you follow the safety instructions that are plastered around us everywhere and splash soap and alcohol gel all over our body. I can do that and my mouth masks are now a fashion accessory…keeping distance is hard at times but most of the time I can handle that.  I try to stay away from crowded places and I do sometimes even not buy that bag of tasty crisps that I longed for with my chilled rosé when there are too many people hanging around in the snack section that seem not to be able to make up their mind. I then move on…even with grumbling.  After all I already trying to deal with my added COVID-kilos. Also I managed not to kiss my other significant one for over 4 months.  Him being a doctor who comes constantly in contact with patients and having been on the COVID-ward made me do this.  Last week I kissed him when we were celebrating our 19th relationship anniversary while sitting outside in the darkness in our new garden furniture.  But believe I am still scared to come close to him....


When dealing with the virus in combination with my social calendar my tagline is ‘Not worth it…’ and I still try to stay home as much as possible.  Not that I don’t grant others a break…I do but at the moment I feel guilty when I even dare to do something fun related.  I can not put it in to the right perspective anymore and then I just freeze and just don’t know that is possible.  Even a walk in the woods seems now high risk and I don’t even mange to go out anymore to walk through deserted streets in my neighbourhood where most homes are deserted as well.

I am getting sick because of the vocabulary experts use…’Keep distance…stay home…be patient…persist…show resilience…’  WTF (pardon my French but for once I need to get it out of my system)  is the the best you can say to coach us through a pandemic?   Sorry..but I am becoming more and more tone deaf for the moment….sorry,  I just need to get this desperatedly out of my system.... IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO WHEN ADDRESSING THE NATION WHEN SHARING NUMBERS AND ADDING SOME FUSSY ADVICE?  ADVICE THAT IS AS OLD AS TALE…. GRRRRR.....  WHAT DO YOU THINK I (AND MILLIONS OF OTHER BELGIANS)  HAVE BEEN DOING THE LAST FOUR MONTHS???????  On what planet are you politicians and experts all hanging out?  There is a missing link and it seems that many of you have still no clue how to activate that system to go full on within a pandemic to make it work long term...LONG TERM...not living from one unpredictable wave to the next or always having to threat people with a full blown lockdown!


Now do not worry, I take it all still serious…I have no social calendar anymore and I do not have any intentions in the month or the year to come to travel abroad. I don’t dare to visit Antwerp or Brussels or even Leuven at this moment. I don’t dare to go swimming in a public pool or even going to a shop for the sales that started this week.   A bubble of five extra close social contacts?  Not for my liking.  I have given those five to my son and my husband what then means that my beloved mother in law is even more than ever linked to my life.  People who know me well know what effect that can have on me.   It is what it is…my in-laws live closer to me than my mother and siblings.  Plus using common sense then means that my sister in law and her husband and two children are automatically added up to that bubble. Because they visit her as well.  So just some quick math brings us then to 1+2+2 equals 5.   Three of these people I have not seen anymore since the 4th of March but they are in my bubble.   I don’t interact with them but they ‘are’ in my bubble!   I wonder how many people do that kind of math when they are trying to be honest about their close contacts?

I hit the wall and all I have left are restaurant visits with P&A.   Yes, tremble…I dare to go into a restaurant order my favourite drink from a menu activated by a  QR-code.  You might not dare to this and consider me crazy for doing this.  But I bet that most of you have dared to do something that might not considered COVID19 proof.  In my honest humble and not scientifice proven opinion is nothing COVID19 proof.   But those restaurant visits are the only thing that at the moment bring me some extra joy.  Not that my body weight agrees me but is it what it is.   I need food and good food and food prepared by great chefs that also have been going through a rough time.  We only go with the three of us and we don’t invite anyone along even not of our bubble.   We then sit down as a family and have a great time where I then can focus on what I do have and still can. 

Nope…I am not perfect and I will already haven taken some unnecessary risks or done something that someone close to me or who I know considers not okay.  I am not an idiot and I will not judge you because you did dare to get on a plane and have that one holiday that you were so longing for or even had been saving for since a few years.  No, I don’t think that you acted like a fool when you decided to book a spot on the beach of Ostend and fill up your picknick basket with drinks and home made sandwiches because you were after a cool breeze while the temperatures were hitting the roof and if you have been a daredevil to face the waiting lines of a fun park because you were after a thrill than I do grant you that.  

After all it is not something that will suddenly go away and we even have got experts who are using the word lockdown constantly to make us land back on our feet.  I get that but then they also need to understand presto that many of us just don’t see how it ever is going to work by basically washing our hands, keep our distance and pushing people away constantly and working from home.  The majority of the people (no, I don’t have numbers and I don’t have statistics I can throw at you to justify this statements, sorry…) will need some extra support from others to live safely in surroundings where we not have to constantly judge other’s their less common sense of behaviour , point the finger at others, search for justifications why we did think it was safe to attend a wedding service or travel abroad… I am who I am and you are who you are.   I have got different favourite things and people than you and my culture and opinions are different than yours. That has not changed since all the virus havoc that now is going on.  And it never will….sorry…that makes us human! 

But what do when then need along side of us following the regulations that our government is making us following for an indefinite time?  Well, in my humble opinion that is also not rocket science and has it been stated by many government officials and health care experts. It is that that part of a crisis strategy that also needs to work in order to make it a bit more work long term. And it is that part that we in our tiny surreal nation just do not seem to be able to make work efficiently.  Testing, tracing…..and smooth going communication between different levels of command???? Nope…it is not happening…It is failing…big time and all that we as mortals than are given as an excuse is that there are too many levels of command and issues that just make it harder to implement systems as such that are needed?  Really????  Are you kidding me!!!???? Is Belgium bit and bit more visible becoming the ‘EXCUUSTRUT’ that many already labelling her?  I refuse to believe this but more and more I start to doubt myself. 

Yes, I will keep on wearing my mask and I will wash my hands till they are completely red and not traveling abroad and even follow the not so popular advice of certain experts but I do think that it is now time for certain things to also start working as well efficiently so that we can make progress on all levels without forgetting completely about the virus… I pay my taxes and know damn well for what I do.  Gladly if it guarantees me having access to health care and I feel safe.  But unfortunately at this moment in time is all that I am giving to work with (that is what it feels like for the moment) in pandemic are a mouth mask, a soap dispenser and the advice to use my commons sense…!!!! The check list is out there and the elements our government needs to put in place and invest time, money and people and expertise into are still not ticked.  So….that is what I mentally face and I can just not relax as long that the numbers tell me that we can handle local out breaks and that we have got our testing capacity running wild. 

For the moment I am the one running wild and sorry in case I did burst your happy mental bubble….please do not take it personal.  Believe me,  I don’t take any of your behaviour personal but honestly I do hope you will not hold my choices against me.  I am trying very hard to remain kind and smile underneath my mask.   It is invisible underneath those preferable three layers of fabric but it is still there…but fading a bit more day by day….at least for now! 


PS: when having a good moment I still try to shake off my bad vibes in the kitchen by dancing on music.  These are two of them and one of them is a song that is featured in a very cool and summer-proof Netflix movie called the The Kissing Booth 2, a movie that I highly recommend in case you need to disconnect.  The other one is by Jessie Ware, a performer whose voice I start to like more and more.

Escapcism

I have chosen Robert Frost as my inspiration for my blog...and sometimes I do have to remind myself why exactly and nobody else.  Why him...why are his words that evoke in his simplicity so much more then a thousands words.  After all I am someone who has many favorite authors and poets. In many languages and it is hard to explain to someone else why his words will stand out when I am out here...well it perhaps that they are still able to take me by surprise how they never ever will grow old.  That most of the words that he has been weaving together still tell a universal story for all... 

Yesterday it happened again that he was with me and that while we were watching a Netflix movie.  P picks out what we watch in order to try to wrap up our days that have rather become a monotonous repetion of actions. It are sometimes these movies that still help me to see things in perspective and let me go to bed feeling a bit more rooted.  Last night we watched 'Sergio'.  It is the story about the UN ambessador Sergio Vieira de Mello.  The name did ring a bell because I did kind of remembered how Koffi Anon read once out loud  a number of names of people who had died in a major of bombing in Iraq.  It was one of the key moments in UN diplomacy.   It was a nano second that the name had entered my mind..but then I had left my memory.  Yesterday that name came back to life.

No,  I am not going to review it.  The critics are not that kind about it but I still think that the story it deep down carries will never grow old.  It is nothing new that people who strongely believe in something and try very hard against the odds to change something do not live without a risk.   I have never know Sergio personal..the only thing that I think is that people like him are the oxygen of the world we so desperatedly need.  It does not turn them into saints.  Yes, even he had a dark side.  Personal was his family life a total mess and they do show that only in glimpses in the movie but then we do not need a lot to see in order to get the picture.

What made me suddenly so intensely love the moment of watching this movie was when the leading actress, the beautiful Ana de Armas, who plays the woman Sergio falls in love with suddenly quotes Frost and she does it at the perfect moment.  It is that moment that is so magical in certain situations because it are those oneliners that wrap up everything.  Their impact are huge and have the power to drag us further into a story that images wish to tell us.  They also go beyond and they can even be transfered into the life we face and they tell our own story.  Last night the character of Carolina Larriara used words by Frost that made me shiver and warm at the same time.  It is the last line of the poem you will find here below.

Yes, the world is seeking answers and is so lost.  Directions are not very clear and many of us doubt that we are even willing to pick even up only parts of our life once we are granted a bit more freedom to move.  Yes, I love more than ever to look at certain art, listen to certain music or read a book because after all they tell stories that have been written mostly by people that were rooted into a certain time and era that also had a message that never ever will grow old. 

So for now I will leave it there and end with the poem by Frost:

Escapist -  Never

He is no fugitive– escaped, escaping.
No one has seen him stumble looking back.
His fear is not behind him but beside him
On either hand to make his course perhaps
A crooked straightness yet no less a straightness.
He runs face forward. He is a pursuer.
He is a seeker who in his turn seeks
Another still, lost far into the distance.
Any who seek him seek in him the seeker.
His life is a pursuit of a pursuit forever.
It is the future that creates his present.
All is an interminable chain of longing   

                                                                 by Robert Frost

Voor & Na

Voor & Na

twee woorden die een wereld van verschil kunnen maken

plaats ze voor een woord of in een zin en ze krijgen diepgang

ze geven mensen een context

toch

nu

plots

verlies

je

veel

meer

dan

voor-dien




Nu is dat ene specifieke woord eerder een lege doos.

Eentje dat we doelloos aanschouwen….
Eentje waar de angst bij naar boven komt borrelen…
Eentje waar we met weinig nog terecht kunnen bij gebrek aan perspectief…
Eentje waar we een heel sterke opinie over hebben maar niet altijd geduld voor tonen…
Eentje waar velen over zwijgen omdat het deuren opent die men nu nog wenst gesloten te houden…
Eentje waar we nachtmerries van krijgen dan ons te wagen aan het bouwen van luchtkastelen…
Eentje waar velen kortstondig in ronddwalen maar al gauw weer eerder het hazenpad verkiezen…
Eentje waar we heel ons leven op bouwen maar nu eerder een excuus beschouwen…
Eentje waar we het noorden bij verliezen en dus eerder afstoten….
Eentje waar we van denken dat het onbereikbaar zal blijven….
Eentje waar we de verantwoordelijkheid voor bij anderen blijven leggen….
Eentje waar zoveel in past maar we toch van denken dat ze geen baat kan brengen…

HOOP

Het woord dat nu velen niet meer durven uit te spreken omdat vroeger en nu ons in snelheid hebben ingehaald.

Caring Hands

Today I am having one of these days that I am just fed up with social media and all the access I have got to information about Covid19.  A few minutes I was about to throw my phone and laptap through the window and just go an dig a hole in our back yard and only come out when the air is clear.  Yeah, the dark side is fully at work for the moment.   By now I am so far that every single thing that my body communicates is already the doomesday scenario. Yes, I am very busy with all those things that I am strongely advised to do. My hands remind me rather of the ones my grandmother had when she was 80 something.  My hands surely reflect the ongoing battle.  All the handcream that has been collecting dust in my bathroom cabinets come now in handy.  But still it are my hands that tell the story.  They are the borderline where my live crosses over from the safe zone to the danger zone.

Hands....they can tell stories and in the middle of this pandemic they surely can fill up lots of non fictional ones. I refuse to give my handwashing up not matter what.  Every time when I splash soap on them I have internal conversations with that tiny little virus.  I squeeze all my energy in to my hands and keep rubbing the liquid into my skin and then let the hot water glide down on my skin and take a very deep breath.  Relief washes then over my sould for a split second.  For that one short moment I am then in nobody's land before I am forced to move back in to the dangerzone.

The dangerzone is for example a walk into a supermarket.   It is then that I  try to let those hands stay away from my face.  'Keep your hands down...down is the only place they can be...put them in your pocket and please do not touch an other package of cheese if you do not intend to buy it...oh where have they moved the mustard to...it was here last week...EGGS...there are are again eggs!!!...why did everyone needed to buy fried onions? Pfff... I am out and now get that alcohol gel out of your packet asap!'  Yes, going to the supermarket is rather walking through a minefield that I only dare the face once a week.  As a result I try very hard to explain to my teenage son that food raids will not be left unnoticed.  'If you think that I will run back to the Foodlion to get you an other package of crisps, then come gain8  NO WAY!!!', and my hands then go up in the air.

Hands that I usualy love to use & touch so many things that I love and care for.  Momentarily there is a strong paradox at work that makes me wonder when we will ever be able to go back to normal.  Not that I do think that normal will be the same even without all of this. Every year something that we consider normal changes and turns into the new normal.  We face that reality already daily, weekly and yearly.  The world keeps spinning around but the people that inhabit it make so  many decissions on a daily basis that even without this viral rave party we are forced us to make certain changes.  Some for the better and some for the worse.  Still for the moment many are in shock and we can not even put our hands in front our eyes in order to hide from what is going on.   Hands are now the one thing that keep us not that safe anymore...

Still, I would not be the person I am when I don't try to find something that helps me to stay grounded and sane.  And yes, I use Jane Austen for that...that one author that understood so well the language of hands.  Bodylanguage in her stories is to be find all over her novels.  In Austen her stories health is also mentioned more than once.  Darcy informs sincerly after the health of Lizzie her family when they meet at Pemberley.  It is the turning point...it is when the male protagonist lifts up his dark veil and reaches out.  It are those words that he uses to point out that he does care and not only about the person in front of him. It is the moment that I as a reader did think:'Hey, he wonders about even about the people he not fully agrees with and does not take a liking to.  Something is changing within!'  It made me feel hopefull and I did wonder if Lizzie had noticed it as well.

After all in the time of Jane Austen also many people fell ill and health care was surely not close to what we know now to be the normal health care package.   So that one sentence makes a world of difference.  Darcy reaches out with words but he stil not holding out his hand towards Lizzie. He still is holding back and does not cross the border.   He keeps his hands next to his body because he is afraid that if he too moves into fast into the zone he might cause dissapointment and pain.  Darcy keeps them close to his body but in a restful state.   Just like now..the moment that my hands are relaxing they are perhaps the most effective place to hang out at.

Letter writing is an other moment that those hands come in action.  Everytime that hands are used in a Jane Austen they are done purposefully and delicatedly.   I have to say that I am for the moment turn off now and then my phone so that I can stay away from new information that has been typed against a social media wall....it mentaly tires me out.  It does not keep me grounded...it makes my hands cross over the borderline between sanity and a place where I am about to get totaly lost.  This is also the reason why I hardly blog anymore since a few years.  Too much havoc going on and the hands that have been reaching out or have been communicating were sometimes sending out very confusing messages.

The moment that Darcy decides to write to Lizzie to clearify a few things is an other key moment in the book.  Honestly Darcy did not seem the guy who woud quietly sit down, dip his feather in black ink and carefully select words to write a letter to the one woman who has already driven him to the borderline of his mental sanity.   Austen depicts him as a man of not many words and you do wonder what is going on behind that face when he shows up in ballrooms and drawing rooms.  That specific letter he writes is for him the ultimate way to tell Lizzie why acts the way does.   Not that this letter solves every single issue...nope it does not.  It even makes it worse in a sense...for all involved but it is a start...an new beginning.   A letter can be a blessing in disguise....

A few weeks ago there was this one open letter showing up in our press that I do think has made the difference.  No, it was not a fun letter to read...it made you wonder if it would ever work out and if we are up for the fight...the battle...if it will ever be enough... and yes that one letter was composed by a person who worries about the health of so many people.  People he does not know.....and people he will never ever get to meet or needs to agree with.  But he worried like hell about his sister, being a health care worker who would be facing the virus in the frontline and wondered if he was the only one out there with his concerns. Yes, I have to say that when I read it I did have shivers going down my spine but I already knew that it would be a one fo these letters that would stick with people and not only with me but so many others. 

Letters you write because they can go the distance...they evoke emotions, they can make people change their opinions...letters are the one ultimate tool that people can use in a crisis to make sure that they are noticed and that they get the attention they deserve.   Needless to say that since that one individual wrote that one open letter that went virtual my nation is not the same anymore...and the person who wrote it admits that he did not know what effect it would have on people.  That is the thing with letter writing...it is letting go...it is reaching out with your hands but not knowing if the person opposite you who reads your words will read what you wish them to read.  Are they in the right place and mood to get it and to see the urgency of it all?  Will they be able to filter out those things that you wish to stand out amongst all the lines you wrote.  Reading a letter involves also empathetic skills and to be able to put everything in perspective. Lizzie Bennet did read Darcy his letter but she at that moment was not able yet to see it with clearity.

In the case of that one specific letter about the nearing Covid health crisis it seemed to be the case. One single letter ladies and gentlemen might be the trigger to make things that not seem to move as fast to suddenly make speed again. Next time when someone tells you that letter writing can not cause change then please walk away from these people.  Many classic authors knew that one single letter can ignite a mind shift...for the better or the worse.  And yes, nowdays we plant our hands on keyboards and let them glide over them and are even able to delete and rephrase what we wish to say.  Jane Austen and many authors had not that luxery.  Yes,  they had drafts but still every single word their hands produced was a produce of hard labour and the love for language.  No, most of them had not clue of if their stories would be bestsellers and even finding a publisher was in most cases mission impossible. They were flying blind and that is surely an other sensation we now experience as well.

Austen was one of these authors who had to go the distance and was rejected many times before she got noticed.  She also was not able to use her talent and skills at full potential due to being a woman.   In that time many women had their path set out by their fathers and also overbearing mothers.  Their hands were the guiding ones who basically showed the way...a way that most them had been on themselves. If you refused to listen and take risks and follow your own path you did have to take into consideration a few things that made the life of others very unpleasant.   The hands of your parents were the ones who you followed...you were reminded many times of that.   In times of crisis we also look out to leading hands that dare to point in certain directions.  And today we find out that most leaders seem not know where to hold out their hands.   They point at different directions and some even tend to keep them in their pockets.   Hard to follow such people whose hands seem to be paralysed and frozen due to fear. 

In Pride and Prejudice hands are the most powerful in the ballroom and when out in the open.  Dancing along with Lizzie and Darcy and listening into what they feel and think is finding out that there is certain disdain going on between them but for the sake of all they stick to the etiquette.  Their hands touch but also push away!  I even tempted to say that there is still some social distancing going on even when couples danced together in those days.

In times of Covid hands are rather pushing away everything. We seem not to be able to use them for what we use them the best and that is loving and caring!  Our health care workers even have to pack them in many layers before they can take care of us!  No skin on skin sensation...no warmth but outspoken clinical and sterile.  It will add up to the coldness and the lonliness that this virus brings along. Not that our health care workers are not aware of this lack of sensation. It is heartbreaking in so many ways.  Heart shattering and it makes them feel so helpless.  It reminds me bit like those moments that Darcy in the most recent film adaptation shows his fists and seems not to be able to relax his hands.   Fighting back to let his fences down....not opening up because he then might slip into a situation he does not have under control!  That moment that we as viewers for the first time see him with relaxing hands that smoothly help Lizzie is very powerful!  That simple act takes Lizzie by surprise...offering a hand is in the world of Jane Austen crossing a line makes a world of difference.

Helping hands are now the biggest challenge because the ones that need to use them at full capacity need enough time, protection and space to operate safely.  They ask us to stay home to give them more time and to save a life!  Mentaly that is tough and I do have moments that I even wonder if it will be enough...  So of the time being we rather hide our hands  and are not able to do with them what we usually do.  And more than ever we do become aware that our hands are our most powerful tool we have to make the difference in the world.   Jane Austen knew her world so well...

So please take good care of your hands, wash them (I know that message is already growing old but that virus detests soap that has not changed since the last scientific report that has been plastered against a social media wall) and let them speak in the ways you see it most fit in the circumstances you are.  Yes, it will first get worse before it can get better but with your hands you can still make the difference.  Not matter what...Darcy knew that and he won over the heart of that one person who had sworn she would never ever let him come closer.

PS:  I did pick out a Dutch song that is perhaps a bit strange to pick out at times as this but I do think that this might be a song that will become very popular. It is earwurm and it is also a cover by an other Flemish artist Gene Thomas whose songs are very strong by being straight forward in language.  One of our leading DJ by the name of Regi (and he also has this thing with hands!) did wonders with it and the title 'Kom maar dichterbij' means 'Come closer'.   Momentarily not the best message to send out at times at this.  Still, coming closer and reconnecting will be important the moment we will be allowed to reconnect.   And the two scenes of Pride&Prejudice I picked out to illustrate what I mean by the language of hands.   Plus honestly I look myself very much forward to that one moment to hold the hands of P back into my own hands.  After all his hands were one those body features that caught my attention when we met for the very first time.  I still love them and I miss them...ardently! 

The V-word

Over the last 6 months I have taken a step back from this spot to find out what makes me trigger and when do I snap into my Darth Vader modus and am so tempted to use my light saber to express my frustrations and opinion. I still fail big time to find my zen modus that I will need big time.  Especially now that the world around me is dealing with a v-word that is not easily to be controlled. It will first get a lot worse we are told before it will get better.  That now scientists (no I do not know any of them personal) even are telling is to stop comparing the statistics to the flu is not making any easier.

People who know me a bit better is that by every single outbreak of the flu or of a virus I do go mentaly in overdrive.  When Ebola showed up on the radar I just lost it big time.  So yes, I do panic I do. No, I do not wish to be one of those 1%-2% (there are even statistics to be found that will tell you that the death rate is even higher) who dies. I also worry about the people I hold close to my heart and work with. Hey, I am only human.   It is easy and very tempting to do the maths when it comes down to Covid-19.  After all at the moment not that much is know about that little tiny thing that is invisible to the bare human eye and that causes total havoc.

Yes, people are stocking up and even I have done some shopping myself.  I plead guilty on that account!  Still, I don't have one single mouth mask and so when I start to run a fever and coughing as crazy I might infect others. After all I might already be a carrier.  Yes, I have been in Italy last week and momentarily there is one reported case in the region where I have been.  Mentaly that number is already enough to make me go mental. Believe me I can not put this into perspective because at the moment there does not seem to be that much perspective.  Science is not offering us a 'waterproof and fully secured' life line to hold on to and the media is bascially reporting non stop about what just fuels the creation a dark jungle in which you easily can get lost.  

Not healthy either and that then the WHO (yes, many of us do not trust those fellows and I get that.  Still imagine that there would be not such an organisation we now would scream for it!) called it not only a physical challenge but also a mental one makes total sense to me.   One day I can deal well with all the chaos but then the people around me start to ask questions and even will admit that they have been buying extra toilet paper, medication, canned food and water.  Yes, you are allowed to so and as I have stated here above I have done some shopping myself but still I do not feel prepared at all.  Even the WHO has stated that at this point the world is not well prepared to deal with a health crisis of this scale.  And I do believe them...it is what it is.

We are not in control of this virus.  Seems that we have forgotten that we are not even in control when we run up and down a staircase.  But the riskfactor of that action is in our mind 0% compared to catching Covid-19.  Just to give you an idea: over the last twee weeks I almost fell three times down the stairs and if I had done so I would have fallen on my back and or the back of my head.  So far every time my reflexes have saved me but that it doesn't mean that it won't be the last time it is going to happen.

So honestly I never feel prepared I never have.... and that is a personal fact.  What I try very hard is to trust the people who are in charge of health care and yes that there are now stories out there about people trying to figure out what they might be doing with dead bodies and how they will decide who will get care in case it will get totaly out of hand is surely not that fun to read. It makes you wonder.... No there is no medication available and will at least take 18 months before one 'safe' vaccination will available.  Yes, I do think that Covid will be something that will remain on the radar. Just like flu and other virusses. It won't go away anymore.  Because when I was little my father has tried to explain what a virus wishes to do and that is to stay alive.... but then it needs us as well. Sounds very contradicting.

Within me there is a even a certain fascination with the science of it all.   It is tiny little thing that can cause total havoc within us and all around.  The statistics go through the roof and we do wonder when it will give away all it secrets.  Well, it won't. That is nature of the beast.... No, it is not like the flu but I do think that in the future  it will be now included  in the package of those virusses that we will have to monitor constantly.  Ebola is also still at work (and there stil is not a fully approved and safe vacccination for it either) and numerous communities in Africa that will always be more vulnerable than others.   So that virus has also never left.... so that we now have to deal with one that affects all of us seems to trigger our adrenaline production. Big time...

That there then are still people out there that then think that is a hoax and that it will just go away that is also wrong. It will not...it will remain...it is a fact.  P says that the mix of science, media reports and your own opion causes something that is mentaly beyond.  I agree, I am guilty myself of that but it amazes me that people will be also upset that when they get ill and call a GP and then are told that he or she will not come over because they can not buy mouth masks anymore or that they are out of stock.  For weeks we have been told that those masks are not the answer but still.... but health care workers need them big time!  They are the ones that need to stay at work and help us in case we get critically ill.

I am very down to earth about this aspect. No, as stated I don't have mouth masks (when it broke out in China I have said to P that by the time it lands here that most of the mouth masks will be already be bought by others) and I am very sure that I won't find any online anymore. But I want doctors, nurses and scientists to stay safe and also that the people who then are asked to put on can do so.  Seems that many around us have made their own personql risk assessments about those masks and 'just in case' got them.  So that then means that when I get the virus that I will not be able to wear one. I won't...get the message... we created this partly ourselves.  We add to the make up of a virus. No, don't start me on that governments should have been more prepared. In China they even could not keep up with the production of them.   In China...the spot where so many of things you and me own including protective masks and other safety gear...check your house for labels and you will be amazed.  SO DO YOU GET THE PICTURE????

Yes, go and check some online pharmacies because there you will find out how we have been stocking up for Covid-19.  There will be companies who will benefit big time from this virus and there will be many who suffer.  It is human to do so and it the emotion fear that makes us do so and I even bet that many of us who have seen the movie Contagion or read that one Doomesday inspired fiction novel now feel as if they see reality in front of them at work.   It all adds to the cocktail that we are mixing, chilling and serving ice cold!  There is not a lot positive to find out there when it comes down to a virus that just wishes to be party big time.  Sorry for using the word 'party' but I already have an issue with the vocabulary used when talking about virus outbreaks.  It is having a rave party and it will enter our life without we even have asked for it.

I am not a calm person. My constituition when it comes down to these kind of things is rather anxiety and therefor I do for the moment feel as if I try to stay afloat in a big ocean filled up with people who are splashing their hands in the icecold water and seem to have forgotten that they can swim themselves ashore. That there is equipment available around them to stay above the water with and that the huge rescue ships need to be reserved to those that need help big time.  No, I do not wish to sugar coat this and I do try to stay very hard away from calling it hoax that is used by politicians or other conspirarcy theories.  But please make sure that we just keep each other safe and that includes those that have chosen to take on this virus.

 Yes, I do envision me being home in the weeks to come and I am already preparing professional for that.  It will be the next chapter in my teaching story.  So I plan to be a bit more out here as well and hoping that in the weeks to come the world will spin a little bit less out of control.  But then there is this one quote by Deborah Harkness that keeps me company and reminds me that even after all these centuries we still do not seem to master a certain skills.   There is one vampire who so well is able to put it down in words and they will never grow old.  Even after this virus will have travelled all around and there might be something that will help us to calm down...we then move on to the next thing that triggers those emotions.

Please keep all safe, take good care of yourself and the ones you love, keep you wanderlust a bit under control and yes wash your hands it can keep many safe, including yourself.

PS: I choose a rather recent one and an oldie to go along with this post. I am not going to explain why...;-)