No-brainer

 

*A word of caution before reading this very long one: I wrote this entry after being quiet for a long time about something that I passionately care about.  In case you need something more entertaining, light hearted and fun then please skip this one.  Plus in case you read on…don’t take it personal.  This is rather written for all of those who are screaming furiously on social media about long summer breaks, lazy teachers and graphics about educational downfall. Chances are very likely that this is not about you…but still I had to get my sincere opinion out in the open because I care very deeply about my profession and I refuse to give up to the haters and the ones who seem to think that education is just a walk in the park and that they are themselves not part of the solution to make it a better system for all.  Yeah…I am that one educational gladiator still standing up right in that gigantic ancient building in Rome believing that we can turn the odds around…

Over the last few years I have rather kept silent when people started to complain or very openly express their thoughts about education.  In some cases I had to get out of the room because my body was trying to tell me exactly what I do think and it is very hard to just stay quiet.  Believe me many of you are putting my mind to the test and I have an extremely challenging time to just keep smiling and keep breathing.  Now…because I do think that it is also a no brainer to at least use my blog space to express my thoughts I decided to sit down, take a deep breath and tell you what I do exactly think when it comes down to education…and please bear with me because it is not as straightforward as you might hope.  Most of you have already expressed ‘easy peasy’ and plastered it around everywhere…I did hear and read with great interest your outspoken options.  Rest assured…but now it is my turn…and just so that you know some of things you tell me or that I read I do take in consideration, give air time and reflect about.  I do but let me know have a go at what drives my mind when I read all the educational 'fuzz'.

A few weeks ago a coworker found out how passionate I am about what I do for a living (and for much more than that monthly pay check or those long summer breaks….yes..the breaks are a nice but they don't keep you going long term, please believen me)when the person started to express his/her honest opinion about the Belgian school system and how bad  we were are doing in international rankings .  That was all it took to throw the boomerang right back at the individual because I did wonder what exact point this individual was trying to get across surrounded by educators in a school building.  I interrupted the conversation and asked the person who exactly was responsible to change things around. The individual needed a few seconds to answer and then said:’The politicians…’. Inside I was already boiling due to the fact that this is most uninspired and cliché response.  Not a totally unexpected but still…it made me suddenly go a bit in overdrive.

So no, I did not agree with this person’s opinion but due to not wishing to turn my precious lunchtime into a fierce debate I did just let this response glide down my spine and went along with it.  Not that I did not try to point out that students need many things and not just a quick fix by a minister of education who never ever in his or her entire life has been inside a classroom or teacher lounge or headmaster’s office. At a certain point I was so outspoken to point out to I was not going to be one to come up with the right solution or at least not have the power  but that I at the same time did question people their ongoing rant with education.

Oh yes, there is so much globally going ‘wrong’ with schools and the schooling of the young minds that I do wonder if it is even worthwhile to still believe that children wish to be in a school.  I am dead serious. Almost daily I do wonder what many people out there actually expect schools to do? That a school is not the same spot than most of the grown ups experienced themselves is also a no-brainer but their demands are a bit over the top.  One day many of us are calling for a less long summer break for their children and the next time there is an article that when it comes down to educating the young minds about good citizenship there is a crucial role for the schools to play within this process.  Two days later on an educational forum are the less positive percentages printed about the level of comprehensive reading skills. It is a never ending debate and more and more it starts to annoy me! (Remember that I did state a few entries ago that if I would come out to blog that I would not hold back anymore as much as I have been trying over the last three years...okay...)

Yeah…students need teachers in order to learn…or at least when it comes down to specific subjects and skills.  That is another no-brainer…simple and so that we therefore then need to hire teachers is also self evident.  Now being a teacher is not the same as being a student. That also seems a no-brainer but honestly I do think that the first statement is closer to being true than the second one.  Just one glance at the number of articles to be found in the national press about schools, the academic calendar, the profession itself, the curriculum, testing and ranking and you know what I mean.  So many find themselves spouting their personal and expert opinion on social media that you do wonder when these people get their day time job done. Deep breaths Stallie…you promised yourself that you would not turn this entry into a rant.  

The last decade it seems to go only further downhill with our education and many of us feel very opinionated about this.  As mentioned before each one of us have been at a certain point in their life inside a school, sitting at a desk and had to sit still, listen, write, read and study for exams.  Unfortunately there are still places in the world where education is still not a no-brainer.  In some spots in the world children never learn to read or write and in some countries education is considered a threat to the existence of specific regimes.  That we had to grant the Nobel prize to a teenager who put her life at risk to get to school is actually for me not a no-brainer.  


Honestly, if it would be easy peasy to turn things around, why already have we not done so?  There are plenty good and even world class examples of what we envision education to be like for our younger generations.  These individuals are after all the ones who will need to make a living and also will have to fill up the federal pension treasure…that is rather becoming a huge deficit according to the national press.  Youth is precious and if we don’t give them a sound foundation than it will be very hard to keep going strong…that is also a no-brainer. (Guess by now you have figured out there is a specific word that I will keep recycling…my sincere apologies in case you detest this word.  At the moment it also seem to be used quite often in the national press) Therefor education is crucial…we can agree on that…don’t we?  Okay…then I can proceed further.

It is not just education that needs a makeover…and here I could already rest my case. I could but then many of you would need some clarification on what I mean by that.  So let me spell it out for you…a total makeover is needed and it is going to hurt. No…it won’t be just the bandaid plaster that you are tearing off and hope that it will turn your skin red for half a day only. Nope…I am sorry this is going to be rather the pain that comes along with a root canal procedure at the dentist who makes a lot of money even if you have dental coverage. Do you get the picture? No…still not..okay let me clarify it a bit further especially for you who is getting lo

.

Education is not just a school filled up with teachers, furniture and some books and modern technology. There is a whole system behind it and believe me or not, every single one if us is part of that system. Even if you don’t come close to a school anymore and don’t have children.  Each one of us has been educated and most of us are nowadays told that we are life long learners. I have already mentioned that one before and not going to spend anymore time on this part of the equation.  Nope…this entry is rather about the fact that we need to start to reevaluate what we wish that schools do for our children because honestly many of us don’t even seem to notice that anymore and just keep adding their personal wishes to the school menu and you know what?  It is not working…

Oh yes, you might now think that is because teachers just have issues with planning and reshaping the curriculum takes too long and needing to follow extra courses to keep on top of things or because they do not get enough funding to even just renovate their school building or buy up to date IT system or school platform or that we don’t attract not the ‘right’ group of people to study and train for this profession that is truly a calling if you intend to stay in there for the long run.  Yeah…that is why our educational system is going busted…oh wait it is not or only partly…believe me.

Now, before you think that I have a very easy time stating this because who knows Stallie personally knows that she works in educational hotspot that has got all that many schools do not have and just dream of.  Yeah, that is so true, and after now being a bit longer in that awesome building and on that great campus I more than ever start to realise that it is not only because there is a lack of many things in an average school that our level and quality of education is going down.  No…it is simpler and not even costing any money what we are lacking and is not an opinion that some of you will wish to hear. But after the last five years I am just going to get it out….someone needs to do.

Many of us are part of the problem (and therefor also of the solution°…honestly I am not kidding you…and many are not even aware of it.  It is one thing to demand things of schools, principals, educators, university professors and teaching colleges and the government and then just hope the magic will do its work when these kids are at school. More and more I seem to have the impression that society is forgotten that children also spend time outside school and that learning is also going on out there.  The brain doesn’t stop working once students back up their books and head for home. Duh, I am not an idiot, you might now think and rightly so but honestly one glance around me and I am so sorry there are is big number of people who does behave that way.  

It is simple where we are already messing up our educational system and that is by not practising what we preaching.  We all want more…more happiness…more freedom…more wealth…more quality time..more health coverage…more rights…more space to be 100% our pure selves without having to justify ourselves.  Living in the moment and that at full speed and believe me that is becoming an issue especially if many of us are not even able to follow the traffic regulations.  And so I am going to use something as straightforward (I know..I know that some of you will challenge me on calling these regulations straightforward but please just give the me break here for once…please…thank you) in order to illustrate what I am trying to tell you.

Yes…I am talking about these well known things such as traffic lights, stop signs and tons of other rules that we teachers mention about in school and most of us have had to do an extra exam about when we wanted to get behind a steering wheel.  Remember? I bet you do and you might even have been dragged to one of these traffic parks to ride your bicycle on or even have done an public cycling exam.  You nailed all that with flying colours.  But then suddenly something happens and that is that we seem to forget some the rules that we have studied and been told that it is important to follow.  ‘Retrieval practise seems very hard to come by these day.’, I told myself in the beginning, but now I think there is something else at work:

“‘That stop sign?  I just pretend that I have not seen it?’ , ‘I just ignore that big white line on the cycling path…I am priority when it comes down to traffic users.’ , ‘I let my children cycle behind me when we go out…because I am the fastest.’, ‘A huge big line in the middle road…not surpassing that slow bus in front of that rule does not apply to me’, ‘Oh the parking lot is full but I desperately need that blue t-shirt that is on sale and so I do park here and nobody will notice it.’, ‘Parking on the cycling path is something everybody can do if you need to stand in line for your Sunday breakfast at the local bakery’, ‘Oh yeah, I know that I need to cycle on the other side of the road but for once it won’t hurt.’, ‘I know that I should look first left then to the right and once more to the right when crossing the street, but the driver of that car coming will surely have spotted me before I turn my head.’, ‘I need to call my daughter while driving to the supermarket otherwise she will be upset with me. A handsfree kit? Are you kidding me that costs a fortune.’, ‘A red light for pedestrians…why care? I still can cross the street because no car in sight.’, ‘There is a cycling path but that is not as smooth as the road.’”

Get what I try to telling you?  Nope….come on…if you fail to transfer the learning from school into the real world, then any learning is becoming worthless. And that is my very strong opinion.  The transfer of skills outside in the real world is the final step in the learning process. It is the one thing that when I was in special education most of the time my students struggled with.  It was the ultimate step towards independent living and working.  These were the group of learners who had so many learning disabilities that it was hard for them to learn job skills and getting hired was in many cases a fight of the fittest.  And believe me, they envied those that are able to do this with ease and no struggles at all.

So when I now see so many people just failing at applying the learning of something that they have covered in traffic lessons in school and have been quizzed about more than once I do wonder big time.  If we start ignoring something that is most of the time rather straightforward and just pretend that these rules don’t apply to me and you then I do wonder where those educational demands come from.  Don’t get me wrong I do still agree that traffic education is vital but I am not sure why we still bother if many of us don’t put into practise what they have been studying.  Plus don’t forget that the young learners are with you out there and that they might be a bit perplexed as well that so many around them just do not what they are expected to do.  The learning by example, does that ring a bell?

Therefor I do for the moment have a very hard time with all these opinionated people who come up with specific demands and wishes when it comes down to the schooling of their children or grandchildren.  Please do not assume that schools can fix everything for you if you decide that you will constantly take time out from the learning.  Yes, reading bed  time stories, baking cakes together, talking at the dinner table, having fierce debates about current affaires, experimenting with dough and soap, reading signs, cycling in the park, going together to the public swimming pool and getting changed in a too small cubicle, naming vegetables in the local supermarket, ordering ice cream at the ice cream van outside the park,  walking through a city and just take the time to let everything sink in, listening to music and let them imitate it with the help of cooking utensils, throwing an empty drinking can in the right recycling bin,  playing chess and other board games,  speak a foreign language while your child is around and listen when he or she tries to repeat what you said,  counting the money from their piggy bank and finding out how many ice creams they can buy with that amount, getting the paint out and messing up paper and hands and even some clothing, taking them to a football match and cheering on (and cursing as well) their favourite team, going to the movies and paying extra for the 3D glasses, reading the washing labels of their clothes and loading the washing machine, going to museums to just stare in silence at paintings and sculptures, watching a TV- game show and playing along by trying to get the answers right, travelling to far away places in the world, reading menus in restaurants, buckling up in the car, ….

I can go on for hours what learning is going on when you have a child with you.  Yes, you might consider it this a natural process but believe me less and less I have impression that parents do some of these mentioned her above.  That reading skills are skydiving and maths skills seem harder and harder is not only the responsibility of a school. Undeniable it is a crucial step forward to higher thinking when learning is done in many settings.  There are children out there who without school even manage the cruel world but believe me that they would rather spend time in a school and be surrounded by responsible adults who set the right example.

Now, don’t start me on the fact that we then need more people who check up on us applying the the rules and learning. Or that our lives have become too hectic and that most of us have a very stressful day job.  Please don’t do that…you do know very deep down that there are moments that you just consider school the easy way out.  That teachers need to fix the world and make it happen for your child.  All your hopes and dreams you that you are projecting on your  beloved  child is something that schooling will make happen or at least that is what many seem to .  The miracle can happen between 8 and 5 and when they come home they need to do their homework and then we rest assure that their future will look bright. Well…I am very sorry that is not how this works…it never did…and it never will.  That is for me the no-brainer when it comes down to education for all.  Therefor making fierce demands of what you wish to change in a school, a curriculum, school policy, educational school books and pedagogy also then means that you take raising a child seriously and will give the right example and also are open to change yourself.  Plus also be honest about the responsibility you have towards your child when it comes down to learning.  

Schools are only a temporary heaven of knowledge and they are also not a guarantee that we all are going to be future Einsteins or successful brain surgeons.  it is rather the first place where we get to find out that life is tough and that unpredictability will rather be the norm than the exception. Even the smartest valedictorians find out that high school was rather a walk in the park compared to real thing they face once they graduate. After all, isn’t the proof  in eating the pudding and not just reading the recipe and weighing the ingredients and flowing the cooking instructions?

Yes, things need to be reformed with the aid of a serious minister of education (one who not only is thinking of the popular vote) and many schools need to be able to hire the people they need (and keeping them longer than a few semesters) and obtain the funds they need in order to grant any child in any place in this country and beyond the education it deserves. After observing all the traffic offences  I am convinced that we need more than ever children who will put their parents back on the right track.  Happy and healthy children, who are respectful and caring, have courage and are resilient and are curious to find out what there is out there for them in a world that is constantly changing.

What I really intend to say is that the cliché that it takes a village to raise a child is actually a fact.  It is team work and one that takes up a lot time and effort and in most cases you won't get paid for it. You can not just assume that there is a specific beginning and an end when it comes down to learning and that each one of us is key when it comes down to learning.  Learning you can’t expect to stick if we just keep pretending that schools will take care of that and once we graduate we can live on deserted islands…we need to keep each other’s mind sharp and expanding our horizons beyond the textbooks and the theories, grammar rules and formulas we have been learning in schools.  We have to be open minded, dare to think outside the box and dare to take a risk and give youngsters the benefit of the doubt without belittling them or assuming that we always know better…because believe when I checked last the cycling path next to our main road I can assure we still don’t master those skills.

Oh, and before I forget what we also don't aim for is a cheerful and cheeky tourist who is graving his name and the one of his beloved in one of the Colosseum walls and then states later in his sincerely heartfelt apology that he was not aware of the age of the building he just tattooed!   That is also a no-brainer or not?  Oh wait, what happened with the subject called history…downsized due the need of more time needed for something else?  Guess this whole entry is rather about no-brainers at work…

P.S.: That I did choose this specific picture to go along with this very long entry is not that straight forward but there is a message hidden in this one that is linked to the content of this entry.  I love the classics and I can still be blown away by the architecture, the art and all what these civilisations have left behind and on what we as human mankind were allowed to build further.  The mind is a very flexible thing and these fierce ladies surely demonstrate this…this building was build in 421 BC and these ladies are still going strong.  The same for the music I did pick out to go along with this one. 

One of a kind magic!

Here we are…the summer holiday of 2023 is a fact and I already managed to forget two appointments and believe me I did put them in my smart phone and reminders were send by the people who I had intended to meet up with. I guess that my body and mind are still absorbing the rather emotional and rather turbulent school year that we last Friday wrapped up. 

 Remember me saying that a school year resemblesrather a Jackson Pollock painting than a Seurat one? One look back over my shoulder and I can state that the past academic year made me end up with agigantic canvas spilled over with colourful splashes of paint. 

At the moment the major sensation is relief topped up with some bittersweetness. Yes, I am happy that the year is over but there is also a part of me that now feels a bit empty…. Lots of excitement goes on in the average school year and the educational hot spot where I teach is filled up with tons of unexpected adventures. It is one of the reasons why I do think that teaching is never dull. Plus that your students force you to keep up with lots of trends and your mind seems to age a bit less fast…or at least that it the impression that I have. 

Still…this year is one for the books and I can tell you that this lady had some very low moments in the last 10 months. Now because I refuse to be too dramatic and I also try to let go and give some of these rather intense things the place it deserves. So instead of the rather long and rather painful account of the past ten months I will try to keep it short and less painful. 

Here we go… Starting September 2023 I will have to get used to teaching and drinking coffee without my side kick U. Believe me that I am still dealing with the stages of grief that this bombshell news caused me. Last week we both hugged, cried, smiled, giggled and were reminiscing about our teaching journey. Yes, I got to opportunity to say official goodbye and thank you to her but still… I will miss U big time because after being rather forced to work together and even being a bit less enthusiastic I ended having the best coworker I could wish for. 

Oh yes, I do realise that there are quite a few unbelievable educators out there and you might even be one of them but the moment that you need to say goodbye then it only hits you that it will be rather hard to fill up the shoes that they have been wearing. Plus that in a sense that is something that is even a bit absurd. After all are we all unique people and does every single one of us come along with some quirks. The thing is that I got so much out of this work relationship that I just can’t imagine that it will happend fast again with anyone that end up working with. 

 No U is not moving abroad and she will remain my friend but still…it will be different now that she had packed up her bags and left the building. Yes, I did make a promise to her and that is that I will for sure take care of her ‘legacy’. Our Dutch curriculum has got her name written all over it and she can be so damn proud of it. The positive changes that she made to that document and the effects that they came along with them were very impactful. 

Oh yeah, I did question more than once that what she envisioned was something that would work effectively. A few years later I can state only that this fierce and very on top of things language teacher surely pushed our international students forward when coming down to learning a rather challenging language. Especially when it a one hour subject and that many students will likely forget already quite a few new words and sentences by the time we walk back into the classroom. I had alongside this lady very fascinating educational journeys inside and beyond the classroom. We taught, planned, discussed, brainstormed, created, baked and dressed up for educational purposes together. 

On top of that we bothtraveled to London for an amazing conference about Mindfulness and did we joined the Year 5 class group on their schholjourney to the Netherlands. Also she pushed me when it came down to those things that I do rather consider a bit of my least developed teaching skills such as crafts, cooking and drawing. That she now leaves due to needing more flexibly and pursuing those things she loves and adores besides teaching I totally understand. 

The thing is that I more and more realise that what we had is rare and that you can never be rest assure that it will happen. You do hope that you coworkers are people who you can get along and who won't make life harder than it already is. The thing is that life is unpredictable and even tough you do think that your lesson planning is waterproof there might still fall a skeleton out of the closet. It is a rare thing when it happens what happened between U and me. I do more than ever think that you need to be kind and caring about the people you work with and give the space to bloom. U her strength and super powers surely made my professional life also easier but honestly this individual her motivation, passion, ambition, eagerness, creativity, style and many more things she aced at I will miss for sure. 

 In case that you are blessed with a five star colleague then please take care of them. They are worth their weight in gold and before you know they leave…in my case I will struggle a while to get used to a teaching life without her and that will take some time. Fortunately she agreed to come and cover once in a while and also she still owns 50% of the coffee machine we have in our office. Guess she already got the coffee part covered…as always prepared this one of a kind teacher is! 

U, thank you once again for all you have given! Hereby I wish all these educators who retired or who left education for personal reasons the very best in their next chapter. You aced something that many have a very outspoken opinion about but many find also find out about that teaching is so much more than just cop&paste. Ask U she took teaching to a level that I rather label ‘magic’. Last time I did check U had no wand but I can assure that many magical moments were created when she was in charge of a classroom audience. 

 Please enjoy your summer break and for those who have decided to study education and becoming a teacher make sure that you take it easy the next couple of weeks because once we are back on you will wonder why Hogwarts is only a fictional school and why secret potions and spells are not a subject. Or wait perhaps that is what coffee is for…oh I now get is why U wished to still own a part of our coffee machine...pure magic...

Art…musings…memories…messages…

 

 

For almost two weeks I have not been someone’s teacher and I have savoured every single seconds of that time so far…and when I glance over my photo feed on my phone I can only state that I am having such a lovely time.   Last week I met up with K in Leuven and suddenly she wondered what the time is and normally both of us are quite good at guessing but now we seemed both to e totally disconnected and that made me even smile.   When we kissed goodbye I felt for the very first time since a very long time truly free of mind.

Over the last two weeks I have been so spoiled by so many things and people.  That the trees putting on their colourful coats and that there is a lot to be experienced while the sun is out longer makes me feel hopeful as well.  Hope is a very strong sensation it can be enough to get back into a certain modus that you need in order to deal with all the s**** .   No, the world and humanity is not perfect.  The mainstream media plays the devil’s advocate when it comes down.  It feels a lot as if newspapers and social media prefer to rain someone’s parade.  

Well…I refuse to let someone pour down the deluge on mine.  Hit me…this time I refuse to just give in easily.  Don’t get me wrong , I am stil a too big of analytic person to ignore all the shadows that circle around the fun stuff.   But if you can not be hopeful on time such as Easter then when can you be?  Yes, Stallie still prays and I do it in a very private way.  I can do it while I walk through Brussels or when I drive back from work while my son is listening to his music.  Personal I don’t need a lot to make me feel connected with something that perhaps so many of us don’t need anymore.

Last week I finally got into that one museum that I have longed to visit for such a long time.  I had walked  past a few times but never got in.  Last week I did and honestly it is a like a cathedral filled up from top to bottom with art that can take your breath away.  It is a museum that houses quite a few works that most of us know but on top of that is even more.  Rembrandt is just one of them who is hanging out there and his Night Watch will never be on its own during office hours.  The painting attracts so many admirers from all ages.  Momentarily it is being restored but even behind it’s seen though vault you can still see and foremost sense what Rembrandt managed to put down on a canvas.  The impact of that work of art is huge and it will remain surely an art lover magnet.

The thing with me is that I always look for the hidden gems in these places.  This simple provincial girl loves getting lost in museums.  Yeah…I know I get lost even without intent but in a museum I do follow my own trail and I might be found in the dark corners.  It is where I suddenly find back something that my parents taught me and is really look at what is in front of me and then just a tiny bit further.  Not just read the little plate that might be plastered next to it.   In a museum I find back a bit of the essentials that I need to function 100% my true self.  

In art there is something hidden that not necessarily everybody will spot….honestly I don’t think we can but we keep trying.  Many artists have not written down why they have created why, where and when.  Oh yes, there are the many official portraits we are blessed with.  In London there is even the National Portrait Gallery where you can take a stroll along side many famous faces.  But still I doubt that we will ever find out in what state the artists was in while they were at work or while there were trying to create something new….

Since that social media is created also visiting art museums have changed immensely and I am not sure that is has been for the better.  Oh no, please don’t think that museums should ban phones and cameras…I would not go that far but there is something on my mind when I do see certain people at work with their phone and perhaps even how they behave themselves.  Yes, I do have taken pictures of some of the major highlights that the mini brochure of the Rijksmuseum pointed out to me.  One glance of these pics and I start to smile but still…

Still…I do try very hard to disconnect in a museum or when I am surrounded by something that has been created by someone else who is so much better with their creative minds and hands.  Art speaks and carries a message and some of them will keep people wondering and be amazed.   When I saw for the first time a Van Eyck painting I wished to know exactly what type of flowers where in the painting and why he had chosen exactly those and not the ones we had in our garden at home.  

Most of my live I have spend visiting exhibitions and museums all over the world that did prohibit taking pictures.  As a student I still had to relocate an art catalogue or book in the university library  and go and stand in line in front of a photocopy machine (we art students spend a fortune on photocopies and right of reproduction) to take the perfect copy of the picture that our professors had shown us in class.  

That we are now in the possession of a build in camera on our phones opens up possibilities but I do wonder how many of us have on top the picture time been mindful enough when being close to the artwork.  Inside of me there is still a bit of scrutiny when I take a picture of art work. It is as if that picture will never ever to enough justice to the real thing.   

Last week I also wandered through the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam.  That is surely a museum to visit when you are in town and they have also one of the most advanced luggage vault systems…yeah Stallie managed to forget her own created code and needed assistance to reopen hers.  Check it out…it is in this museum that I suddenly witnessed something that I had kind of forgotten about since COVID-19 and that is how humans behave when they are close to art with a phone.  It was in front of the sunflowers that I suddenly saw a girl posing next to it…and all I could do was wondering:’Why??? Why would you do this? ‘ I would have loved to have picked her brain and so many others who were moving around whole holding on to their life lines.  

The Stallie who walks through museums is probably the most to her true version you will come across.  I am then in connection with the past, the present and the future.  I don’t hide but I do go totally silent and yes I might observe others and listen into certain conversations.  Over the last decade I have travelled a lot on my own and been to some art temples that most of us have on our bucket list and it is then that I manage to fuel up. 

In most these art palaces or tiny off the trail galleries I end up I do get so much more than just a glance at art.  I make sometimes memories for a life time and most of them I don’t have pics of because or I had my phone locked up in the obligatory wardrobe/lockers or I did ran out of battery and forget to take extra juice for my phone or I just did not feel that the picture would do justice to the work itself…getting the picture here…If not let me tell you the following…
 

Over the last 20 years I also have traveled with my mother and we do then more than once end up booking time slots for art museums. We both then after a gigantic breakfast take off and check in order to meet up with art.  My mother and I did not talk to another when we visit museums…but it is my cool and awesome mother who always manages to see the things that nobody seems to notice when out there with me.  She is the one who suddenly will break the silence but not with me but with strangers or even with the artwork itself.   And believe me she is the most mindful person in the whole museum.

On a sunny day in Zurich the two of us visited an other exciting museum called the Kunsthaus.  It was there that  my mother who walked out of exposition room with oily and wet fingers.  ‘Mum, come on there was a sign that said you could not touch the stones called ‘olive stone'.’  ‘Hey, I wanted to check if that stone was really covered in olive oil.’, was her pregmatic response.  ‘And?’, I asked her.  ‘Not as good as the one I cook with.’, was her reply while she had her iconic pokerface on. ‘Do you have any tissues?’, she then asked.  'No, I don't', was my dry reply and I then pointed at a sign to the toilets and she walked passed me while not showing any remorse.  

Ladies and gentlemen everything that I know about art is something that I have been reading or did pick up while listening to others talking about the art they loved or studied.  It were my parents and some amazing passionate art historian professors who have been pumping so much info and historical facts into my mind.  It are those people who walk along my side when I am in a museum.  Any museum…and most of the time I try to keep my mind very open and my senses are fully activated because there might be gems hiding in the darker and less crowded spots of these places.  

Nope…Stallie has so far in her life never taken a selfie in a museum and is not planning to pose next to any artwork. I let the art rather speak for itself and try to push out all he other distractions and events taking place around me.  I want to suck up as much of what the artists did intend and will go back to my center where I will try to calm down and just let the beauty in…it might come in gentle waves or rather be tsunami like.

For those who think that they can catch with a phone those precious moments that they are granted access to art and creativity I have got bad news for you.  Unless you decide to create a very nice photo album with one of these amazing photo album apps and if you have taken the time to really look and use your senses.  That moment you were there standing is a unique moment…it can not even be caught on camera.  The light, the sounds, the smell and foremost the overall vibes that the art itself will try to resonate are never ever the same.  

That many of us try to capture that specific moment on is in a way a rather an attempt to cloone that unique moment.  It is already gone by the time you press on your button of your camera and all that is left of is a specific memory but if you have not taken enough time to really connect then the picture will never reflect that moment...ever...believe me. That is not how art works...any art....even  most professional photographers will agree with me.  Some of them have to wait for decades before they can capture that one picture they were aiming for and dreaming of...they live through it...they sense it...and that particular sensation you can't copy with your camera...

My mother is the living proof that art needs to be lived. Nope…this exceptional cool and unique mother of mine will never takes pictures in museums and will rather prefer to buy a postcard in the souvenir shop that she might even mail me or my sister.  And no, it might not be the hot shot of the museum she will pick out, rather the one work that everybody seems to ignore or rather has been standing towards with their back while checking if the pics they took were not blurry or have nobody other then themselves in it.   Sorry you lot out there with phones polluting the view of others…you are missing out on a lot more than that one perfect picture.  But who am I to tell you that…art speaks for itself…ask my mother she knows best and still uses the best olive oil there is in order to cook her delicious dishes. 

Tiptoeing

 

Being a teacher is very lovely profession.  It comes with great things and yes our calendar is filled up with an amount of free days that many envy us for.  Still when I decided to become a teacher there was a very big number of teachers.  I even remember that we were told that your degree could even help you to get a job outside education and that we had not to worry too much.  Still all I wanted was to teach in a classroom filled up with young minds and still dreaming more than worrying about what was ahead of them.  This lady signed up for this job not just for 100% but for the 200% and was willing to go the distance for each one of that walked into my classroom.  If someone goes after my kids then I feel as if they cut into my own skin.   This teacher loves to advocate for all those that I see day in day out coming and going.  

After all it are these younger kids that are the future and even if this might sound as a cliché it is just a fact that while we grow older and our hair colour needs some artificial help these young minds get shaped in front of my eyes.  Before I now dive into what scares me I wish to point out that over all there is still enough that keeps hope afloat.  There are enough youngsters that surely know what they stand up for and creativity is still alive and kicking even when there is now a certain AI available that can do all the work for them.   This teacher is not desperate that most of the ones that she has been teaching will not make it.  The majority will and that I have been part of that journey is still one of the best side effects of my job.  

I am very proud of my students...every single one that I had under my wings since I walked into a classroom.  And I don't need champagne or a bunch of roses to thank me for my services...after all I have those extra days of a holiday and I spoil myself with an extra day to the spa to rejuvinate after a long academic year.  Or I spend way too much money on my books I picked out for my summer read.  After all I have always been used to cooperate in the shadow.  This girl loves backstage to operate and will only now and then jump into the limelight when she feels fully prepared.  Rather I let my students shine.  

Over more than two decades I have witnessed so much that has made me feel up with joy.  Those memories nobody will ever take away from me.  But at the moment I do wonder where the world is leading to.  And honestly I do wonder what part I am allowed to play in it.  No, I am not talking about the unpredictability that comes along with planning my lessons or that the there are now policies are once again changed.  In most jobs flexibility is a must.  That is not what scares me...it is more complicated. 

The newspapers and social media are full of buzzwords and most of them also find access into the schoolbuildings and many of them will also be covered in lessons.  After all does society has got high expectations of what education includes.  Teachers are superheroes when it comes down to absorbing the wishes of others and we listen very carefully to the ones who surround us.  Our stakeholders are a very huge group and a very diverse one.   The latest insights in so many fields has got an impact on what I do...I knew that when I signed up for the job.  It was something that I was fully aware.  As a teacher I am very willing to walk into the shoes of someone else because otherwise you will not survive what I do.  

There is nothing wrong that policy makers, parents and students tell us what they want.  It is part of the process and it makes our job a very interesting one.  It is just that more and more I do wonder if these stakeholder also wonder that we are only human and also have certain targets we wish to get.  I am not only talking about those things I aim in for in a lesson.   It is more complex than this...It is rather linked with the number of shoes I try to walk in...the shoes of someone else.  My empathy is tested and my own wishes and certain princples and social skills that I was tought and strongely believe are daily under pressure. 

No...I don't get it that I just have to listen to what people wish and want. Nope...I don't...honestly I don't.  I am also a human being who has aspirations and strongely believes in certain things.  Good things...I have been educated by great teachers...my history teachers aced it and it mainly because of them that I choose for education, my year 6 primary teacher who never ever gave up on me, a specific teacher of Dutch and English and also a teacher of German who have made me pick education were the ones who taught by example.  Nope they were not the ones that just came in with a textbook that just read out loud what was in there and shared the correct answers with us. Every single one of them had their own style and ways to get us on board.   They stood out because they just went a bit against some of the stream...not that they were creating a tempest.  These educators tickled something inside of me and foremost they did it with respect....unconditional respect.  The passion they reflected just was so visible.  It was a very strong sensation and nope nothing was easily gained but not once I felt as if I was not taken seriously by those I just mentioned above. 

Not one of them was the same but there was one thing that they had in common and that was they wished us to be respectful. They also never had to say the word outloud.  The respect was tangible and it was mutual. It is something that I can very hard explain.   And no we teenagers did not need to be told what that word did withold.  Now some of you will now tell me that I need to just get on with it.  Young minds are nowadays so much more under pressure than we weren and that respect is something else than what I understand under the word respect.  Or that I am just growing old and just can not seem to keep up anymore with all the newest developments in education, technology, pedagogy, art, policies, gadgets,......It is what it is and I just need to move on and just try to keep my head down.  Well...at the moment I am bit tired and need to catch my breath. 

Stallie still loves passionatedly was she is doing and will still go the distance but now and then I do need someone sincerely checking in with me.  Plus if I will open up and tell you that I seem to have the impression that there is a bit too much change that I then need a hug or that you will gladly join me for a magaritta and nachos in my favorite mexican restaurant.   You don't need to give me advice because honestly as a teacher I get advice constantly of so many people who freely share their opinions about education and how they would reform the system.  Well...I dare you to sign up for a teaching job.  Yes, it is one of the best jobs in the world but you need cape and also a magic wand to get through most of the academic years.   

But hey, nope I am not going to be able to fix all the issues that we are facing at the moment and I don't have the intention.  Partly because so many of us can also take a bit more responsibility to support eachother in the learning process.  It starts within ourselves to make a change and I as a teacher I am very willing to support you but I am not going to hand you over a formula to brew a magic potion that will fix it all.  We are all in this together and so if you jump on the bandwagon and scream out your wishes and demands you also need to be aware that at a certain moment you will have to come down of that band wagon and get to work... Don't you worry I will keep up my end of the bargain but it takes a village to raise a child...and nope that is not a cliché I am afraid that is the harsh reality.  One that offers so many opportunities but only can be successful if we all push together forward...even if we don't know where the road is leading us.  Yes, there will be tiptoeing involved and some pushing and pulling but if we hold it together in a respecful manner then chances are very likely that we all will get our final destination...just keep going...don't stop...keep going...

Frozen (pen)

 

I am afraid it is becoming  a bit of a pattern…I try and then I seem to give in to all those spiral thoughts that have made to do it in the first place…stop writing.  Yes, around January I did think that I had found a way back into the spot where I am the most content and where writing is almost a second nature.  It is there that I do not even have to think twice what to write about and how to put down my ideas, thoughts, opinions, musings, experiences, dreams or wishes.   The times that I managed to get into that zone were very happy times and i did then seem to just go with flow.  It all was more of natural process and I did not have to even stop and think about it.

Yes, COVID-19 was one of the major reasons I did quit writing as a habit.  Writing did then seem to do something with my mind that it never had done before: second guessing.  Ever since we faced the pandemic it seemed to take hold one of my skills that is actually one that keeps me sane, focused, content and happy.  Every time when I try now to put down my thoughts I more and more start to delete words and even when I have managed to produce over 200 words I might even just give in to the idea that it just not worth it.

So when today I was asked to answer what I feel like at the moment and what makes me happy. I did not doubt at all.  Two words that tell everything about what goes on in my mind that is still trying to calm down and focus on what really matters to ME: loneliness and writing.  There is something within me that seemed to have taken possession of my mind and is blocking a lot of creativity.  I need creativity in my life…I love it and that I am in a profession that provokes out of the box thinking surely has always helped me to keep going strong.

Now since a couple of years I have started to overthink a lot of things that just kill off the general urge to write.  Yes, I know that I have been mentioning it before and also have made some attempts to push through the brick wall.  I am lonely at the moment and there are days that I do wonder where I did just lost it…how I lost my creative modus.  

Some years ago I did read the book ‘Big Magic’ by Elisabeth Gilbert.  Yes, the one who deiced she need a sabbatical to travel around the world to find back herself.  Within this one she tries to explain the creative way of living.  I do remember that there was a lot within the book that did resonate with me but it is only recently that I do think that the process she was describing is something that is actually now happening to me.  

And surprise surprise…. I still seem to not have found back what makes me switch back into what will keep me going strong. I do manage my day to day job and love what I do but deep down I do know that there is one crucial thing missing that would help me to feel even better, more healthy mentally and physically, in balance with the world around me, care about what really matters, moan only for a second or two, give current affairs and other people their opinions the air time they truly deserve, staying focused on what I care and love…and go with the flow knowing that I can trust myself and the process.

I am blessed to be surrounded by great thinkers and doers…I feel that I do witness great things and that even within the pandemic I got to learn so much about myself and my own profession. For a few months I did think that consecutiveness that we had by being all in the same situation would support me to get back into that state of mind.  Instead I felt a bit alienated by who I had been.  It was as if the world suddenly changed gears and I just did not ‘feel’ it anymore.  Plus that the opinions and thoughts that I did come across made me feel out of synch.

Now Stallie is getting close to the number 5 and I could start to use a bit more the ‘old’ argument but that is something that I just do not wish to buy into.   It is as if that I put on a harness every time it hits me.  I go then into a certain state that is very hard to describe but it is mainly as if I just feel out of place.   I feel so many times guilty that I do not agree or am on the same page than so many that I come across.

No..I not always agree with what you say and I do not wish to pick sides even when you start to use certain language and throw numbers and statistics at me.  There is too much going on in my mind to explain fully what it does to me but overall it paralyses me.  Sometimes I even just sit there and stare at the horizon and wonder if I have fully comprehend ever something about anything that there is out there.

The thing is that I only life once and that what I feel is also my nature and personality.  I do not try to force anything or think that I just have to pretend for the sake of it.  Still it is slowly killing of something that I desperately need in order to get my head around many of the things I deal with. That I have been holding back and have taken so many thoughts, ideas and opinions in consideration has not really helped me. Instead it is turning into something that is rather a shadow of my true self.

I have to many times been silencing myself and hitting the brakes because I am afraid that it might hurt someone or that I might loose another friend.  The fact is that over the last 3 years I have lost already a lot and there is not way back.  I gave up…I gave in..and that because it was the easiest way.  I just did not dare to fight back or show my true colours. Instead I was taking a step back and I even let myself be stepped on.  Stallie is very good at turning the other cheek…it hurts big time.  

Lately I sit a lot in front of an empty page or I delete over 500 words because they just do not cut it.  They don’t live up to the expectations of so many.  It is as if I have deleten myself and only look further ahead.   There was a time that I did not care that much about what others did think about what I did write.  I used to write just the way I dance…or it is rather used to dance.  The quote ‘Dance like nobody’s watching’ I used to apply to my writing as well and it did work very well at least for a while it did.  Now I freeze the moment I do even think I have expressed an opinion that could offend someone or used a word that is perhaps not ‘woke’ enough.  

It is been tough to just face the fact that the writing is rather in a frozen state and the moment that the sun comes out the first clouds appear again.  I just don’t seem to be able to shake something off while I do know so well that it is the writing that keeps me going and focused.  Deep down I want to throw off the veil but I so far have not dared to leave it laying on the ground.  I pick up over and over again…

Creativity with words and is something that keeps me going strong and perhaps I have taken myself way too serious in the last 3 years.  To be honest did I always started to write to leave something behind for my son.  So far not one entry A has read and honestly I am not even upset about that.  I don’t have any expectations when it comes down to that. It is as if I write in the background of his life.  I am always there and if he will ever feel the urge to find out what I felt at a certain time, place or occasion then I do hope that he will find something that he considers good enough…It is what I still miss about my dad not having around anymore.   

That he died at a very crucial moment in my adolescent life can still make me feel up with sadness and at times even a bit of anger.  So the initial idea behing all my writing should be enough to keep me going.  Yes, the are people out there that have given some less favourable reviews about my writing and it did hurt big time but in the end it is my writing…I own it…it are my words, feelings and opinions….they might clash with yours and that is fine.  In case you read this…then please be aware that deep down inside I am stil the same person who you met up years ago and that I can still be as goofy as I used to be but I am holding back big time…so please pinch me a few time if we sit close to each other and don’t hold back…I won’t hold back…promise..pinky promise!  

                                            

Epiphany

 

Epiphany

 

Or the day the year reveals for those who look closely

bring on pie that withholds the secret 

one that spreads the news bite by bite 

a slice that is bitter and sweet at the same time

Every bite is wondering and marveling 

and keeps us us on our toes

Every bite is a step closer to our destination

we are all kings on the route to something new  

 

New promises, resolutions, dreams, wishes, longings, goals and tons of hope.

Here they are...they might be still not in sight and hard to reach for  

just don't forget to do just like Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar

Look up into the sky and you might already see your path...

One step at the time...or rather one piece?

 

PS: I know it is passed the 6th of January already for quite some time but then I made the promise that everything that I would write down also would publish out there.  So I keep up my promise or at least as long as it lasts! 

Perspective

 

 

While I have not been writing over the last 2,5 years surely a lot has happened.  There was sufficient food for thought and there were very happy moments.  Just they got most of the time snowed under by events that just clouded my judgement and even conscience.   As mentioned before I just couldn't manage to give those less fun facts and events the space they deserved within my mind.  Looking back I have wasted quite some time by lingering and putting on my Dart Vader mask and taking very deep breaths but refusing to let go.  Just being honest here that all the good stuff just happened to be a little blip within the universe of evil and neverending chaos. 

  Do I clearly remember when that started? Yeah, I do and the memories I have of that one particular moment are enough to give you some insight on what was going on with me.  It was a bit of a surreal day..the day that our government had decided to go in lockdown.  P even had been called in to attend the local crisis team of our town.  The adrenaline was having a ball and I will never forget when he walked in and told me that Belgium was going to go into lockdown status.   The first moment I felt relief but the next one I can only describe by using the word fear.

 Lockdown made me freeze within and all I could think was that we were going to just live from day to day and not having to think too much ahead of ourselves.  All my positive vibes and thoughts got deleted that evening and I just could not envision the future.  So that P managed to talk me out of the house that evening for a short walk was already a big push forward mentally.  I was going to live by those memorable words that our minister of heath at the time had used to make clear what she expected us to do:'Blijf in uw kot!'/'Stay put in your shed'.   But a walk at night while most people surely would rather be indoors surely would do no harm. 

I don't remember exactly what made me talked about it but suddenly I mentioned that one huge project we were embarking on and just couldn't envision us doing it.  All I could think of was graphics, danger, numbers, sickness, full hospitals, online learning and teaching, groceries that needed be done, masks, (at that time there was still doubt if we even had to wear mask due to the shortage that health care workers might be facing soon if we all started to hoard boxes), toilet paper, my family and friends and death...That last word made my brain freeze when it came down to thinking positive or keeping the moral high.  

'I just can't think of planning or starting to envision what it will look like!', I told him.  Him being the most rational and pragmatic of the two of us I expected him to totally agree with me.  'Hey, I want you to do exactly to do that.  You need to think ahead and forward. One day that house will be started to being build and I want you to think about it.', was his reply.  Those words took my by total surprise and up till today it are perhaps the ones that I recall the most vivid from COVID-times.   That he of all people did manage to already look ahead and not to stand still when it came down to certain projects made me feel a bit more hopeful but the anxiety I was experiencing I wasn't able to shake of.  On the contrary! 

To me all I could see at that point was a plot of land on which there were standing a number of trees that first had to take down.  And we still had not obtained the permit to take them down.  Believe me when I say that where we leave that taking down a tree is almost mission impossible.  So in my frozen mind all I was seeing was a piece of land with trees.  As result of C-business I did not end up screaming of the roofs that we were going to build a house.  Even telling it my mother and close family it felt rather as something surreal.  

So when the finally restrictions started to loosen up and the adminastrator who seemed to have taken all the time of the world to check up on the trees and type up a document we were already almost a year further or that is at least what it felt like.  The cold and very rainy morning that P instructed me to meet up with the architect was therefor also one of the few times that I got to express outloud what I felt.  I remember standing there on our plot of muddy land in the drizzling rain and said:'I don't see it.' The nice man who also was wearing wellies and had brought along a small notebook and was clicking away with his phone, looked at me and said:'Neither do I...yet.'   I drove home thinking that he must have been thinking that I must have been one of the weirdest clients he ever got to meet up with. 

Hey, please bear with me here.  In the middle of a pandemic I just did not feel the urge to start smashing my Pintrest boards full with ideas for my kitchen, bedroom or bathroom.  Yes, I bought one glossy interior magazine and when P saw it he frowned and that told me that we were not on the same page when it came down to style and such.   The one Pintrest board that I have been updating frequently was for one of the most practical rooms of the whole house and that is the laundry room.   There are moments that I do wonder what has become of me.  I long for a good space to put up our laundry machine and dryer and not first having to move half of the content of our garage befor being able to put in the dirty load.  Yes, I know I am weird but this forty one closer to fifty is just loning for practical things instead of stylish gadgets?  

And a few weeks ago the windows were put in and instead of mud, grass and trees there is now a construction standing that we are planning to fill up with us.  I can still not totally understand what this means because part of me has imagined that it would never ever happen.  Yes, P has been the one who never gave up the idea that it would happen for real.    Like whith all the other things that I had not been able to do for a while due to COVID-19 I had to get back used to them.   That a total new important piece of our family life was written during a very painful and hard time has just taken a bit away the joy and fun that so many of you must have experienced.   

That I then this last month told my sibblings and mother that next Christmas will be celebrated in our new house and that I have been starting to fill up boxes with things that will not move with us to our new address is in a way a big step forward.   When I now stand in front of our new house I start to feel something that I have been pushing away for such a long time: perspective!   Bit by bit I am peeling away the harnass that I have been wearing over the last 2,5 years.   Yes, 2023 is going to be an extra special year! I can see that now clear in front of me!  

PS: I do have some favorite French music because the lyrics sometimes can tell in a very poetic manner what my specific sentiment at a certain time is or was.  

Grilling

 

Over the last few weeks I have been having these moments that I am so grateful for what I have and last night when I took out my Le Creuset grill pan out of my cupboard I smiled big time.  It had been in there since July.  Not used once and honestly I did not feel like getting into the specifics how to use stay alone cleaning the orange beauty.   Just staring at it every time when I got a worn out pan out seemed to be sufficient usage.  The thing is that deep down I knew that I longed for using it.

It is one of those specifics that homemade cooks seem to own besides a Kitchen Aid high thech mixer, a great set of sharp kitchen knives, a multi fuctional stove with tons of options.  More than once I have walked into breathtaking beautiful kitchens that had that hallmark orange casserole.  It seems to be one of the few things that you can leave out on a stove without anyone even wondering why it is not stored away.  No justification needed.   All you needed was one glance and you know that this kitchen was bestowed with a homemaker and a self made chef.   'Oh nice, a Creuset...is it any good?', I would then ask and then I got listen to a few cooking stories that made me long for my own orange wonder.

Honestly the last five years I have not been spending that much time in the kitchen and therefor not been spending a lot of money on pots and pans.  Still there was something that my two men really like and that is well baked steak or burger.  (Before you now start to fill me up with meat shame...please hold your horses.  These two men fill up their shopping cart with a combination of meat and vegetarian alternatives.  A his favorite at the moment are spincach burgers.   So please take down your guns or stop reading.  It is your choice...)  More than once my son expressed his dissappointment about the status of his baked meat.  'Nay, grannie bakes it better!', or 'Why can you not do this just the way they do this at our favorite burger place?', were a few of his cooking reviews.  

Honestly?  I knew why because I just don't have the skills and secondly I don't own a professional gril.  The thing was that I already had tried a few things to get a better go at my grilling.  But helas, all were failed attempts.   Honestly I do think that a steak cooked or grilled by chef will always taste differently than the one you prepare at home.   So I just gave in and accepted the feedback of my son to be sincere and justified.  

Then last summer I was browsing on the internet and due to a friend who was dreaming of getting a Le Crueset I decided to have a glance at their collection and there it was the one thing that I had not tried: a cast iron grillpan.  And yes, I decided to spend some of my summer holiday budget on it.  You should have seen me when the box arrived.  It was if Christmas had arrived six months earlier!  Giddy and so over the moon with this new kitchen asset.  The bright orange in combination with the black colors made my heart jump for joy!  Jezus...what had come to me?  It was if I was in candystore and got to fill up the biggest bag with all my favorite sweets. 

So that it took me almost six months to actually start using this thing of beauty is actually not something I am proud of.  After all is this a pan that screams to be used non stop.  Yes, it takes up a lot of space and it is not easily to be carried around and not fits just randomly in any cabinet.  The moment that you start using it for what it is designed for you a whole new world opens up.  Last night I had such a great time with my LC.  The moment I gentrly dropped the meat on the black surface I had a certain sensation within that I can only describe as butterflies.  The sizzling and the smell of food that then was catapulted into my kitchen was so overwhelming and made me long for more of the same. 

Now I have had this cooking ephinanies before and I know so well what then happens.  From there it only can go down and it does.  Because after using the tool you need to that one thing that nobody considers their favorite task:cleaning up.  It is whithin this act that many of my cooking adventures have been send back to where they came from...in my dreams.   Why?  Well because when I attack something with water, soap and a sponge it does not always turn out to be successful.  Some of my pots and pans have only had a very short life span.  Especially my grilling pans turned out to be rather one hit wonder.  Yeah, I have managed more than once to ruin a pan because I just went totaly bezerk with my sponge and soap. 

This time I had pledged to not let this happen because a Le Crueset only derserves to be handled with care, the best care.  In order to keep up that promise I had ordered a tiny extra accessory along with the pan.  My first reaction was to ignore it when it had popped up on my screen when I had bought my LC online.  It was the design that had gotten me to click on buy.  From above it looks like the top of a LC.  Cutest cleaning brush ever and believe me it surely delivers what it promises.  At the moment my cleaned LC is standing on my stove and it ready to be called back into action!  

Let us just say that my first grilling of 2023 was a success on all frontiers including the one that I normally rather dislike and can make me fill up with dissappointment.   The new year is so far so good when it comes down to using a grilling pan.  Yes, I am trying to be grateful and happy with the small wonders and delights that the universe is granting me.  Oh...the fourth of January and this means the sales are on...hmm wondering what Le Crueset is putting on sale...  *letting my fingers glide over my keyboard

Baking Brownies

2022 is the past and 2023 is in full swing.  Nope I haven't been in a very blogging modus since COVID started and part of that is also the reason why I haven not been in a state of writing as much as I like to.  Part of me seems to be in a writers block of huge size and there is nothing that made me shake it off.  Or at least long enough to let this space be again that spot where I can turn to when I feel the urge to express what I feel, hope, inspire, long for,  wish to express without being judged.  The thing is that writing is an act that also longs to be read by others.  So the moment that you do put something down you must be prepared that other individuals will read what you have written.  What then follows can be diverse and not always be what you expect the ideal scenario.   Been there done that and honestly I have been given immediate feedback by quite a few people what they think about what I do write down here. Do I care?

Honestly?  Yes...I do and since the virus is having a great jumping around all over the place time I do feel as if I even care more than ever.  It is been bugging me big time...not the virus...rather how I feel about writting in general.  The thing is that I miss it big time and that I seem to have forgotten why I write in the first place...and that is not to please anyone.   

When I started out here I did have a very clear objective and that was not linked to only get positive feedback or having tons of followers.   None of that and honestly the last few months I do feel as if I start to feel more and more the urge to write more frequently. It is just that there has always been a little voice been inside of me telling why it was just not worthwhile to spend time behind the keyboard.  That voice won me over...resulting in rather questioning why I would even express my feelings or opinions. 

So when it was time to look ahead to the empty pages that the year of 2023 still has and if I feel as if I wish to comment on what is about to happen or look back over my shoulders I decided that I just had to be a bit braver and daring that I have been over the last 24 months.   No, I refuse to say that this is going to be one of my intentions for 2023.   Intensions have never worked for me and if I want to change something within myself or behavious I need a bit more than on new circle around the sun.  After all I do know myself very well. 

Just say that I do feel that is high tide and that I embarked my ship that I have been trying to get ready for a new adventure.  Not sure where it will take me and for once I don't care as much as I have been for a long time.  Yes, I expect to end up in a fierce storm and waves will clash against my tiny sailing boat and wish to take me down.  No doubt about that but I just have opted out the posibility to stay safe within the harbor and missing out on some of the nicer moments that I had in the past as well when typing away. 

 After all I not only write here...and also there I plan to rekindle my urge to write.  No, I don't expect a hand of applause and no encouraging words to make this an easier voyage out there.  After all, it is me who has to do let my fingers glide over the keyboard and push them fown so that my thoughts, opinions and stories can appear on paper.  Just walking around with them make them end up covered up by dust, self pity and even 'killing of' my own creativity.   

Yes, I am fully aware that I have tried before to me more productive and more than once I turned out to be not what I had hoped for.  Well...I want 2023 to be a year that is going to count double in some ways.  I want it to be 12 months in which I rekindle a few things that have given me already joy and energy.  That I am at the same time baking brownies on request for my son (he is been begging already over a year for that and every single time I managed to come up with an excuse why it was not the right time to turn on the oven and get the baking trays out of the cupboard.   That I today felt a bit more the urge to start baking again and let eggs, flour, butter and chocolate in combination with heat do their magic is perhaps a sign.  

My kitchen is filling up with an irresistible smell and I do wonder what perfume writing would come along.   Not sure that it would be the rich cacao hints would travel into my nose every time when I write something.  Some fruits of writing labour reflect rather sale and mouldy food that makes you run to the nearest sink but that is also the nature of the beast. 

Oh...the oven bell just rang and my son his smile while he stares at me after seeing the outcome of the baking says all I need to know.  Even if the taste might not be what he expected and longed for I still had a wonderful time weighing the ingredients, mixing them, pouring the dough into a baking tin and letting the oven and heat do their thing while I was typing away.  So I guess that 2023 might also be the year where I decide to use all that great baking books and baking trays that have been collecting dust in my kitchen cabinets.   

Have to run...see you soon and always happy to have you over for some tasting.  Hereby I also wish you the very best for the coming 12 months and hope that you get to eat many great slices of cake and not have to deal with many less tasty bakked goods. 

PS: Believe it or not but even the song I choose to go along with this entry is linked to baking.  It is part of the soundtrack of a very nice movie called 'Sachertorte' and believe me that number of cakes that they had to bake for that movies must have been a rather high one.