Or the day the year reveals for those who look closely
bring on pie that withholds the secret
one that spreads the news bite by bite
a slice that is bitter and sweet at the same time
Every bite is wondering and marveling
and keeps us us on our toes
Every bite is a step closer to our destination
we are all kings on the route to something new
New promises, resolutions, dreams, wishes, longings, goals and tons of hope.
Here they are...they might be still not in sight and hard to reach for
just don't forget to do just like Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar
Look up into the sky and you might already see your path...
One step at the time...or rather one piece?
PS: I know it is passed the 6th of January already for quite some time but then I made the promise that everything that I would write down also would publish out there. So I keep up my promise or at least as long as it lasts!
While I have not been writing over the last 2,5 years surely a lot has happened. There was sufficient food for thought and there were very happy moments. Just they got most of the time snowed under by events that just clouded my judgement and even conscience. As mentioned before I just couldn't manage to give those less fun facts and events the space they deserved within my mind. Looking back I have wasted quite some time by lingering and putting on my Dart Vader mask and taking very deep breaths but refusing to let go. Just being honest here that all the good stuff just happened to be a little blip within the universe of evil and neverending chaos.
Do I clearly remember when that started? Yeah, I do and the memories I have of that one particular moment are enough to give you some insight on what was going on with me. It was a bit of a surreal day..the day that our government had decided to go in lockdown. P even had been called in to attend the local crisis team of our town. The adrenaline was having a ball and I will never forget when he walked in and told me that Belgium was going to go into lockdown status. The first moment I felt relief but the next one I can only describe by using the word fear.
Lockdown made me freeze within and all I could think was that we were going to just live from day to day and not having to think too much ahead of ourselves. All my positive vibes and thoughts got deleted that evening and I just could not envision the future. So that P managed to talk me out of the house that evening for a short walk was already a big push forward mentally. I was going to live by those memorable words that our minister of heath at the time had used to make clear what she expected us to do:'Blijf in uw kot!'/'Stay put in your shed'. But a walk at night while most people surely would rather be indoors surely would do no harm.
I don't remember exactly what made me talked about it but suddenly I mentioned that one huge project we were embarking on and just couldn't envision us doing it. All I could think of was graphics, danger, numbers, sickness, full hospitals, online learning and teaching, groceries that needed be done, masks, (at that time there was still doubt if we even had to wear mask due to the shortage that health care workers might be facing soon if we all started to hoard boxes), toilet paper, my family and friends and death...That last word made my brain freeze when it came down to thinking positive or keeping the moral high.
'I just can't think of planning or starting to envision what it will look like!', I told him. Him being the most rational and pragmatic of the two of us I expected him to totally agree with me. 'Hey, I want you to do exactly to do that. You need to think ahead and forward. One day that house will be started to being build and I want you to think about it.', was his reply. Those words took my by total surprise and up till today it are perhaps the ones that I recall the most vivid from COVID-times. That he of all people did manage to already look ahead and not to stand still when it came down to certain projects made me feel a bit more hopeful but the anxiety I was experiencing I wasn't able to shake of. On the contrary!
To me all I could see at that point was a plot of land on which there were standing a number of trees that first had to take down. And we still had not obtained the permit to take them down. Believe me when I say that where we leave that taking down a tree is almost mission impossible. So in my frozen mind all I was seeing was a piece of land with trees. As result of C-business I did not end up screaming of the roofs that we were going to build a house. Even telling it my mother and close family it felt rather as something surreal.
So when the finally restrictions started to loosen up and the adminastrator who seemed to have taken all the time of the world to check up on the trees and type up a document we were already almost a year further or that is at least what it felt like. The cold and very rainy morning that P instructed me to meet up with the architect was therefor also one of the few times that I got to express outloud what I felt. I remember standing there on our plot of muddy land in the drizzling rain and said:'I don't see it.' The nice man who also was wearing wellies and had brought along a small notebook and was clicking away with his phone, looked at me and said:'Neither do I...yet.' I drove home thinking that he must have been thinking that I must have been one of the weirdest clients he ever got to meet up with.
Hey, please bear with me here. In the middle of a pandemic I just did not feel the urge to start smashing my Pintrest boards full with ideas for my kitchen, bedroom or bathroom. Yes, I bought one glossy interior magazine and when P saw it he frowned and that told me that we were not on the same page when it came down to style and such. The one Pintrest board that I have been updating frequently was for one of the most practical rooms of the whole house and that is the laundry room. There are moments that I do wonder what has become of me. I long for a good space to put up our laundry machine and dryer and not first having to move half of the content of our garage befor being able to put in the dirty load. Yes, I know I am weird but this forty one closer to fifty is just loning for practical things instead of stylish gadgets?
And a few weeks ago the windows were put in and instead of mud, grass and trees there is now a construction standing that we are planning to fill up with us. I can still not totally understand what this means because part of me has imagined that it would never ever happen. Yes, P has been the one who never gave up the idea that it would happen for real. Like whith all the other things that I had not been able to do for a while due to COVID-19 I had to get back used to them. That a total new important piece of our family life was written during a very painful and hard time has just taken a bit away the joy and fun that so many of you must have experienced.
That I then this last month told my sibblings and mother that next Christmas will be celebrated in our new house and that I have been starting to fill up boxes with things that will not move with us to our new address is in a way a big step forward. When I now stand in front of our new house I start to feel something that I have been pushing away for such a long time: perspective! Bit by bit I am peeling away the harnass that I have been wearing over the last 2,5 years. Yes, 2023 is going to be an extra special year! I can see that now clear in front of me!
PS: I do have some favorite French music because the lyrics sometimes can tell in a very poetic manner what my specific sentiment at a certain time is or was.
Over the last few weeks I have been having these moments that I am so grateful for what I have and last night when I took out my Le Creuset grill pan out of my cupboard I smiled big time. It had been in there since July. Not used once and honestly I did not feel like getting into the specifics how to use stay alone cleaning the orange beauty. Just staring at it every time when I got a worn out pan out seemed to be sufficient usage. The thing is that deep down I knew that I longed for using it.
It is one of those specifics that homemade cooks seem to own besides a Kitchen Aid high thech mixer, a great set of sharp kitchen knives, a multi fuctional stove with tons of options. More than once I have walked into breathtaking beautiful kitchens that had that hallmark orange casserole. It seems to be one of the few things that you can leave out on a stove without anyone even wondering why it is not stored away. No justification needed. All you needed was one glance and you know that this kitchen was bestowed with a homemaker and a self made chef. 'Oh nice, a Creuset...is it any good?', I would then ask and then I got listen to a few cooking stories that made me long for my own orange wonder.
Honestly the last five years I have not been spending that much time in the kitchen and therefor not been spending a lot of money on pots and pans. Still there was something that my two men really like and that is well baked steak or burger. (Before you now start to fill me up with meat shame...please hold your horses. These two men fill up their shopping cart with a combination of meat and vegetarian alternatives. A his favorite at the moment are spincach burgers. So please take down your guns or stop reading. It is your choice...) More than once my son expressed his dissappointment about the status of his baked meat. 'Nay, grannie bakes it better!', or 'Why can you not do this just the way they do this at our favorite burger place?', were a few of his cooking reviews.
Honestly? I knew why because I just don't have the skills and secondly I don't own a professional gril. The thing was that I already had tried a few things to get a better go at my grilling. But helas, all were failed attempts. Honestly I do think that a steak cooked or grilled by chef will always taste differently than the one you prepare at home. So I just gave in and accepted the feedback of my son to be sincere and justified.
Then last summer I was browsing on the internet and due to a friend who was dreaming of getting a Le Crueset I decided to have a glance at their collection and there it was the one thing that I had not tried: a cast iron grillpan. And yes, I decided to spend some of my summer holiday budget on it. You should have seen me when the box arrived. It was if Christmas had arrived six months earlier! Giddy and so over the moon with this new kitchen asset. The bright orange in combination with the black colors made my heart jump for joy! Jezus...what had come to me? It was if I was in candystore and got to fill up the biggest bag with all my favorite sweets.
So that it took me almost six months to actually start using this thing of beauty is actually not something I am proud of. After all is this a pan that screams to be used non stop. Yes, it takes up a lot of space and it is not easily to be carried around and not fits just randomly in any cabinet. The moment that you start using it for what it is designed for you a whole new world opens up. Last night I had such a great time with my LC. The moment I gentrly dropped the meat on the black surface I had a certain sensation within that I can only describe as butterflies. The sizzling and the smell of food that then was catapulted into my kitchen was so overwhelming and made me long for more of the same.
Now I have had this cooking ephinanies before and I know so well what then happens. From there it only can go down and it does. Because after using the tool you need to that one thing that nobody considers their favorite task:cleaning up. It is whithin this act that many of my cooking adventures have been send back to where they came from...in my dreams. Why? Well because when I attack something with water, soap and a sponge it does not always turn out to be successful. Some of my pots and pans have only had a very short life span. Especially my grilling pans turned out to be rather one hit wonder. Yeah, I have managed more than once to ruin a pan because I just went totaly bezerk with my sponge and soap.
This time I had pledged to not let this happen because a Le Crueset only derserves to be handled with care, the best care. In order to keep up that promise I had ordered a tiny extra accessory along with the pan. My first reaction was to ignore it when it had popped up on my screen when I had bought my LC online. It was the design that had gotten me to click on buy. From above it looks like the top of a LC. Cutest cleaning brush ever and believe me it surely delivers what it promises. At the moment my cleaned LC is standing on my stove and it ready to be called back into action!
Let us just say that my first grilling of 2023 was a success on all frontiers including the one that I normally rather dislike and can make me fill up with dissappointment. The new year is so far so good when it comes down to using a grilling pan. Yes, I am trying to be grateful and happy with the small wonders and delights that the universe is granting me. Oh...the fourth of January and this means the sales are on...hmm wondering what Le Crueset is putting on sale... *letting my fingers glide over my keyboard
2022 is the past and 2023 is in full swing. Nope I haven't been in a very blogging modus since COVID started and part of that is also the reason why I haven not been in a state of writing as much as I like to. Part of me seems to be in a writers block of huge size and there is nothing that made me shake it off. Or at least long enough to let this space be again that spot where I can turn to when I feel the urge to express what I feel, hope, inspire, long for, wish to express without being judged. The thing is that writing is an act that also longs to be read by others. So the moment that you do put something down you must be prepared that other individuals will read what you have written. What then follows can be diverse and not always be what you expect the ideal scenario. Been there done that and honestly I have been given immediate feedback by quite a few people what they think about what I do write down here. Do I care?
Honestly? Yes...I do and since the virus is having a great jumping around all over the place time I do feel as if I even care more than ever. It is been bugging me big time...not the virus...rather how I feel about writting in general. The thing is that I miss it big time and that I seem to have forgotten why I write in the first place...and that is not to please anyone.
When I started out here I did have a very clear objective and that was not linked to only get positive feedback or having tons of followers. None of that and honestly the last few months I do feel as if I start to feel more and more the urge to write more frequently. It is just that there has always been a little voice been inside of me telling why it was just not worthwhile to spend time behind the keyboard. That voice won me over...resulting in rather questioning why I would even express my feelings or opinions.
So when it was time to look ahead to the empty pages that the year of 2023 still has and if I feel as if I wish to comment on what is about to happen or look back over my shoulders I decided that I just had to be a bit braver and daring that I have been over the last 24 months. No, I refuse to say that this is going to be one of my intentions for 2023. Intensions have never worked for me and if I want to change something within myself or behavious I need a bit more than on new circle around the sun. After all I do know myself very well.
Just say that I do feel that is high tide and that I embarked my ship that I have been trying to get ready for a new adventure. Not sure where it will take me and for once I don't care as much as I have been for a long time. Yes, I expect to end up in a fierce storm and waves will clash against my tiny sailing boat and wish to take me down. No doubt about that but I just have opted out the posibility to stay safe within the harbor and missing out on some of the nicer moments that I had in the past as well when typing away.
After all I not only write here...and also there I plan to rekindle my urge to write. No, I don't expect a hand of applause and no encouraging words to make this an easier voyage out there. After all, it is me who has to do let my fingers glide over the keyboard and push them fown so that my thoughts, opinions and stories can appear on paper. Just walking around with them make them end up covered up by dust, self pity and even 'killing of' my own creativity.
Yes, I am fully aware that I have tried before to me more productive and more than once I turned out to be not what I had hoped for. Well...I want 2023 to be a year that is going to count double in some ways. I want it to be 12 months in which I rekindle a few things that have given me already joy and energy. That I am at the same time baking brownies on request for my son (he is been begging already over a year for that and every single time I managed to come up with an excuse why it was not the right time to turn on the oven and get the baking trays out of the cupboard. That I today felt a bit more the urge to start baking again and let eggs, flour, butter and chocolate in combination with heat do their magic is perhaps a sign.
My kitchen is filling up with an irresistible smell and I do wonder what perfume writing would come along. Not sure that it would be the rich cacao hints would travel into my nose every time when I write something. Some fruits of writing labour reflect rather sale and mouldy food that makes you run to the nearest sink but that is also the nature of the beast.
Oh...the oven bell just rang and my son his smile while he stares at me after seeing the outcome of the baking says all I need to know. Even if the taste might not be what he expected and longed for I still had a wonderful time weighing the ingredients, mixing them, pouring the dough into a baking tin and letting the oven and heat do their thing while I was typing away. So I guess that 2023 might also be the year where I decide to use all that great baking books and baking trays that have been collecting dust in my kitchen cabinets.
Have to run...see you soon and always happy to have you over for some tasting. Hereby I also wish you the very best for the coming 12 months and hope that you get to eat many great slices of cake and not have to deal with many less tasty bakked goods.
PS: Believe it or not but even the song I choose to go along with this entry is linked to baking. It is part of the soundtrack of a very nice movie called 'Sachertorte' and believe me that number of cakes that they had to bake for that movies must have been a rather high one.
