It is uncomfortable hot outside and I am about to book myself a one way ticket to the Artic circle in order to cool down. The last few days were sunny and made all the summer related things such as ice cream, swimming pools and cocktails stand out even more. The thing is once it is getting above 27 degrees Stallie is hiding out in our house and refuses to come out till a thunderstorm hits the roof. Now before anyone mentions the words climate change I am going to have to stop you there. I get it and I surely can connect the dots. So there is no need to make a comment below that includes those words. I just need desperately to express what heat does to me and it is not a pretty sight.
Since a year we live in our new house and that has a few of those energy sufficient elements that should help us to be less dependent of fossil fuels and such. The thickness of the walls also tell you story of trying to keep energy inside rather than throwing it out through the windows. During winter we surely got to experience the benefits of these walls. And gone were also the days that when going to the toilet was comparable to taking a plunge in bathtub filled up with ice cubes. Or no need for an extra duvet when trying to fall asleep while outside it was freezing. We also got used to keeping a close eye on energy prizes that are constantly changing. Postponing ironing is not the end of the world if you know that you will save out some euros at the end of the day.
The thing is that in summer this house turns out to be a bit of a challenge when dealing with trying to stay cool. There are still huge advantages of a house that seems to be able to make the most of your energy consumption but dealing with an over dose of sunshine and heat it does not do very well. Our living room is now getting close to being a sauna and cooking food makes me getting in sweat that makes me feel as I am about to faint any second.
At the moment there is a lot of wind outside and I did open the windows in order to get some more cool air inside our walls but the temperature refuses to go down! In case you wonder if I can not go anywhere to hide from the temperatures in our house? Yes and I have tried and the last two days I did ended up reading a book in the AC lounge of my gym and watched some Wimbledon tennis in between some chapters. But still, there comes the moment that you have to face the heat and try to even sleep within it. In our old house I use to be a bit more creative and did I try picture myself on the beach on a sun bed of an exclusive beach club. This thought then helped me to fall in sleep. Needless to say that my brain doesn't buy this any more. Wisdom and age it is a fascinating combination.
Speaking of age I do find myself in a constant limbo because of my age and the behaviour linked to that age. Lately I am about to explode when it comes down to certain situations. It seems as if my emotional filter and brake system just over night have vanished into thin air. I am left behind with a constant sensation that everything and everyone is against me. The world that I once knew suddenly makes no sense whatsoever.
Almost everyone who I mention this to says that this is linked to the M-word and that this is `normal'. Okay...but then please explain to me why suddenly I need to change gears and start to feel the odd one out when a lot of people around me suddenly seem to do things that totally do not make any sense. The last five years I have been constantly trying to be the most empathetic person in the room. The moment I am not and honestly express my anger, disappointment, grief, loss and other sentiments linked the dark side of the universe I am told to be a bit less outspoken or not too overreact.
Excuse me? Really? Are you serious? One look around me, one visit to to the local supermarket, one glance at a digital platform or newspaper, one X-comment, one e-mail,....the list is long and evasive....but I assume that at this point you are getting the picture, is all it takes to make me stop and freeze all my emotions and thoughts. So...here you go this is the major reason why I stopped writing and being honest about my own feelings with many around me.
Oh, I know myself very well. I am told to be a people pleaser and so I do get that you can not keep everybody smiling and happy all the time. People hurt others and other people will be painful honest in case they feel that they should. I do not have any issues with that. The thing is that when people express their hopes, opinions, feelings, ideas or thoughts that I suddenly erase myself for over 100%. Why?
Because I care about what you feel and think. It matters to me. I am an educator and it is in my professional DNA. I can not just turn that part off. So that I now feel that the sponge is saturated and needs to be squeezed before it can function optimal again surely does not come to surprise to me. Stallie is about to pop...my balloon has got no space left any more.
Before you think that Stallie is over exaggerating and that things are not that bad...no? Really? I just can not shake of the feeling that many of us are forced to just get up over and over again once we are told to feel what others feel and adjust our behaviour according to what they feel. Being the altruistic soul that I am told to be is not always easy and I do have got my feelings as well. That I need almost day in day pretend that they do not matter and seem to never be as life changing is something that I for the moment have enough of it.
Stallie also has things she is not happy about, that her feelings get hurt, that I do not understand why certain people constantly need to scream and shout at each other, that I feel disconnected with some of my best friends, that I feel hopeless and have no clue what to do next in some situations, that I am tired of being called naive or too romantic (I am not and the present situation I am in at the moment is 100% proof of that), that being patient and kind just does not seem to help... I am fed up!
Then this might then not be a surprise that I am so happy that on Monday am getting in my car and driving to my happy place in Germany. The moment I will park my car there and walk into that hotel with top notch AC (it are the only four days that I grant myself that luxury before facing anther day in our heat wave infested house) I will disconnect.
Oh no...I know the feelings will not go away...but for now let me look forward to a dive in a nice pool, a curated cocktail at a pool bar, a huge selection of dishes at one of the delicious hotel buffets, fun and thrilling roller coaster rides, a facial that will make me feel relaxed for bit longer than normal, a bed that will magically be made up when I walk back into my bedroom,...Let me be for a few days be 200% disconnected of all the fuss, chaos, anger, feelings, dishonesty, grief, pain that I get to sense and witness at a daily basis. Don't you worry I am not returning totally changed but at least I will have to opportunity to scream out loud more than once without having to feel guilty or being considered out of control. Bring on that Voltron ride...I am not only in the need of speed but also in the need of screaming out very loud!
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