Frozen (pen)

 

I am afraid it is becoming  a bit of a pattern…I try and then I seem to give in to all those spiral thoughts that have made to do it in the first place…stop writing.  Yes, around January I did think that I had found a way back into the spot where I am the most content and where writing is almost a second nature.  It is there that I do not even have to think twice what to write about and how to put down my ideas, thoughts, opinions, musings, experiences, dreams or wishes.   The times that I managed to get into that zone were very happy times and i did then seem to just go with flow.  It all was more of natural process and I did not have to even stop and think about it.

Yes, COVID-19 was one of the major reasons I did quit writing as a habit.  Writing did then seem to do something with my mind that it never had done before: second guessing.  Ever since we faced the pandemic it seemed to take hold one of my skills that is actually one that keeps me sane, focused, content and happy.  Every time when I try now to put down my thoughts I more and more start to delete words and even when I have managed to produce over 200 words I might even just give in to the idea that it just not worth it.

So when today I was asked to answer what I feel like at the moment and what makes me happy. I did not doubt at all.  Two words that tell everything about what goes on in my mind that is still trying to calm down and focus on what really matters to ME: loneliness and writing.  There is something within me that seemed to have taken possession of my mind and is blocking a lot of creativity.  I need creativity in my life…I love it and that I am in a profession that provokes out of the box thinking surely has always helped me to keep going strong.

Now since a couple of years I have started to overthink a lot of things that just kill off the general urge to write.  Yes, I know that I have been mentioning it before and also have made some attempts to push through the brick wall.  I am lonely at the moment and there are days that I do wonder where I did just lost it…how I lost my creative modus.  

Some years ago I did read the book ‘Big Magic’ by Elisabeth Gilbert.  Yes, the one who deiced she need a sabbatical to travel around the world to find back herself.  Within this one she tries to explain the creative way of living.  I do remember that there was a lot within the book that did resonate with me but it is only recently that I do think that the process she was describing is something that is actually now happening to me.  

And surprise surprise…. I still seem to not have found back what makes me switch back into what will keep me going strong. I do manage my day to day job and love what I do but deep down I do know that there is one crucial thing missing that would help me to feel even better, more healthy mentally and physically, in balance with the world around me, care about what really matters, moan only for a second or two, give current affairs and other people their opinions the air time they truly deserve, staying focused on what I care and love…and go with the flow knowing that I can trust myself and the process.

I am blessed to be surrounded by great thinkers and doers…I feel that I do witness great things and that even within the pandemic I got to learn so much about myself and my own profession. For a few months I did think that consecutiveness that we had by being all in the same situation would support me to get back into that state of mind.  Instead I felt a bit alienated by who I had been.  It was as if the world suddenly changed gears and I just did not ‘feel’ it anymore.  Plus that the opinions and thoughts that I did come across made me feel out of synch.

Now Stallie is getting close to the number 5 and I could start to use a bit more the ‘old’ argument but that is something that I just do not wish to buy into.   It is as if that I put on a harness every time it hits me.  I go then into a certain state that is very hard to describe but it is mainly as if I just feel out of place.   I feel so many times guilty that I do not agree or am on the same page than so many that I come across.

No..I not always agree with what you say and I do not wish to pick sides even when you start to use certain language and throw numbers and statistics at me.  There is too much going on in my mind to explain fully what it does to me but overall it paralyses me.  Sometimes I even just sit there and stare at the horizon and wonder if I have fully comprehend ever something about anything that there is out there.

The thing is that I only life once and that what I feel is also my nature and personality.  I do not try to force anything or think that I just have to pretend for the sake of it.  Still it is slowly killing of something that I desperately need in order to get my head around many of the things I deal with. That I have been holding back and have taken so many thoughts, ideas and opinions in consideration has not really helped me. Instead it is turning into something that is rather a shadow of my true self.

I have to many times been silencing myself and hitting the brakes because I am afraid that it might hurt someone or that I might loose another friend.  The fact is that over the last 3 years I have lost already a lot and there is not way back.  I gave up…I gave in..and that because it was the easiest way.  I just did not dare to fight back or show my true colours. Instead I was taking a step back and I even let myself be stepped on.  Stallie is very good at turning the other cheek…it hurts big time.  

Lately I sit a lot in front of an empty page or I delete over 500 words because they just do not cut it.  They don’t live up to the expectations of so many.  It is as if I have deleten myself and only look further ahead.   There was a time that I did not care that much about what others did think about what I did write.  I used to write just the way I dance…or it is rather used to dance.  The quote ‘Dance like nobody’s watching’ I used to apply to my writing as well and it did work very well at least for a while it did.  Now I freeze the moment I do even think I have expressed an opinion that could offend someone or used a word that is perhaps not ‘woke’ enough.  

It is been tough to just face the fact that the writing is rather in a frozen state and the moment that the sun comes out the first clouds appear again.  I just don’t seem to be able to shake something off while I do know so well that it is the writing that keeps me going and focused.  Deep down I want to throw off the veil but I so far have not dared to leave it laying on the ground.  I pick up over and over again…

Creativity with words and is something that keeps me going strong and perhaps I have taken myself way too serious in the last 3 years.  To be honest did I always started to write to leave something behind for my son.  So far not one entry A has read and honestly I am not even upset about that.  I don’t have any expectations when it comes down to that. It is as if I write in the background of his life.  I am always there and if he will ever feel the urge to find out what I felt at a certain time, place or occasion then I do hope that he will find something that he considers good enough…It is what I still miss about my dad not having around anymore.   

That he died at a very crucial moment in my adolescent life can still make me feel up with sadness and at times even a bit of anger.  So the initial idea behing all my writing should be enough to keep me going.  Yes, the are people out there that have given some less favourable reviews about my writing and it did hurt big time but in the end it is my writing…I own it…it are my words, feelings and opinions….they might clash with yours and that is fine.  In case you read this…then please be aware that deep down inside I am stil the same person who you met up years ago and that I can still be as goofy as I used to be but I am holding back big time…so please pinch me a few time if we sit close to each other and don’t hold back…I won’t hold back…promise..pinky promise!  

                                            

Epiphany

 

Epiphany

 

Or the day the year reveals for those who look closely

bring on pie that withholds the secret 

one that spreads the news bite by bite 

a slice that is bitter and sweet at the same time

Every bite is wondering and marveling 

and keeps us us on our toes

Every bite is a step closer to our destination

we are all kings on the route to something new  

 

New promises, resolutions, dreams, wishes, longings, goals and tons of hope.

Here they are...they might be still not in sight and hard to reach for  

just don't forget to do just like Gaspar, Melchior and Balthasar

Look up into the sky and you might already see your path...

One step at the time...or rather one piece?

 

PS: I know it is passed the 6th of January already for quite some time but then I made the promise that everything that I would write down also would publish out there.  So I keep up my promise or at least as long as it lasts! 

Perspective

 

 

While I have not been writing over the last 2,5 years surely a lot has happened.  There was sufficient food for thought and there were very happy moments.  Just they got most of the time snowed under by events that just clouded my judgement and even conscience.   As mentioned before I just couldn't manage to give those less fun facts and events the space they deserved within my mind.  Looking back I have wasted quite some time by lingering and putting on my Dart Vader mask and taking very deep breaths but refusing to let go.  Just being honest here that all the good stuff just happened to be a little blip within the universe of evil and neverending chaos. 

  Do I clearly remember when that started? Yeah, I do and the memories I have of that one particular moment are enough to give you some insight on what was going on with me.  It was a bit of a surreal day..the day that our government had decided to go in lockdown.  P even had been called in to attend the local crisis team of our town.  The adrenaline was having a ball and I will never forget when he walked in and told me that Belgium was going to go into lockdown status.   The first moment I felt relief but the next one I can only describe by using the word fear.

 Lockdown made me freeze within and all I could think was that we were going to just live from day to day and not having to think too much ahead of ourselves.  All my positive vibes and thoughts got deleted that evening and I just could not envision the future.  So that P managed to talk me out of the house that evening for a short walk was already a big push forward mentally.  I was going to live by those memorable words that our minister of heath at the time had used to make clear what she expected us to do:'Blijf in uw kot!'/'Stay put in your shed'.   But a walk at night while most people surely would rather be indoors surely would do no harm. 

I don't remember exactly what made me talked about it but suddenly I mentioned that one huge project we were embarking on and just couldn't envision us doing it.  All I could think of was graphics, danger, numbers, sickness, full hospitals, online learning and teaching, groceries that needed be done, masks, (at that time there was still doubt if we even had to wear mask due to the shortage that health care workers might be facing soon if we all started to hoard boxes), toilet paper, my family and friends and death...That last word made my brain freeze when it came down to thinking positive or keeping the moral high.  

'I just can't think of planning or starting to envision what it will look like!', I told him.  Him being the most rational and pragmatic of the two of us I expected him to totally agree with me.  'Hey, I want you to do exactly to do that.  You need to think ahead and forward. One day that house will be started to being build and I want you to think about it.', was his reply.  Those words took my by total surprise and up till today it are perhaps the ones that I recall the most vivid from COVID-times.   That he of all people did manage to already look ahead and not to stand still when it came down to certain projects made me feel a bit more hopeful but the anxiety I was experiencing I wasn't able to shake of.  On the contrary! 

To me all I could see at that point was a plot of land on which there were standing a number of trees that first had to take down.  And we still had not obtained the permit to take them down.  Believe me when I say that where we leave that taking down a tree is almost mission impossible.  So in my frozen mind all I was seeing was a piece of land with trees.  As result of C-business I did not end up screaming of the roofs that we were going to build a house.  Even telling it my mother and close family it felt rather as something surreal.  

So when the finally restrictions started to loosen up and the adminastrator who seemed to have taken all the time of the world to check up on the trees and type up a document we were already almost a year further or that is at least what it felt like.  The cold and very rainy morning that P instructed me to meet up with the architect was therefor also one of the few times that I got to express outloud what I felt.  I remember standing there on our plot of muddy land in the drizzling rain and said:'I don't see it.' The nice man who also was wearing wellies and had brought along a small notebook and was clicking away with his phone, looked at me and said:'Neither do I...yet.'   I drove home thinking that he must have been thinking that I must have been one of the weirdest clients he ever got to meet up with. 

Hey, please bear with me here.  In the middle of a pandemic I just did not feel the urge to start smashing my Pintrest boards full with ideas for my kitchen, bedroom or bathroom.  Yes, I bought one glossy interior magazine and when P saw it he frowned and that told me that we were not on the same page when it came down to style and such.   The one Pintrest board that I have been updating frequently was for one of the most practical rooms of the whole house and that is the laundry room.   There are moments that I do wonder what has become of me.  I long for a good space to put up our laundry machine and dryer and not first having to move half of the content of our garage befor being able to put in the dirty load.  Yes, I know I am weird but this forty one closer to fifty is just loning for practical things instead of stylish gadgets?  

And a few weeks ago the windows were put in and instead of mud, grass and trees there is now a construction standing that we are planning to fill up with us.  I can still not totally understand what this means because part of me has imagined that it would never ever happen.  Yes, P has been the one who never gave up the idea that it would happen for real.    Like whith all the other things that I had not been able to do for a while due to COVID-19 I had to get back used to them.   That a total new important piece of our family life was written during a very painful and hard time has just taken a bit away the joy and fun that so many of you must have experienced.   

That I then this last month told my sibblings and mother that next Christmas will be celebrated in our new house and that I have been starting to fill up boxes with things that will not move with us to our new address is in a way a big step forward.   When I now stand in front of our new house I start to feel something that I have been pushing away for such a long time: perspective!   Bit by bit I am peeling away the harnass that I have been wearing over the last 2,5 years.   Yes, 2023 is going to be an extra special year! I can see that now clear in front of me!  

PS: I do have some favorite French music because the lyrics sometimes can tell in a very poetic manner what my specific sentiment at a certain time is or was.  

Grilling

 

Over the last few weeks I have been having these moments that I am so grateful for what I have and last night when I took out my Le Creuset grill pan out of my cupboard I smiled big time.  It had been in there since July.  Not used once and honestly I did not feel like getting into the specifics how to use stay alone cleaning the orange beauty.   Just staring at it every time when I got a worn out pan out seemed to be sufficient usage.  The thing is that deep down I knew that I longed for using it.

It is one of those specifics that homemade cooks seem to own besides a Kitchen Aid high thech mixer, a great set of sharp kitchen knives, a multi fuctional stove with tons of options.  More than once I have walked into breathtaking beautiful kitchens that had that hallmark orange casserole.  It seems to be one of the few things that you can leave out on a stove without anyone even wondering why it is not stored away.  No justification needed.   All you needed was one glance and you know that this kitchen was bestowed with a homemaker and a self made chef.   'Oh nice, a Creuset...is it any good?', I would then ask and then I got listen to a few cooking stories that made me long for my own orange wonder.

Honestly the last five years I have not been spending that much time in the kitchen and therefor not been spending a lot of money on pots and pans.  Still there was something that my two men really like and that is well baked steak or burger.  (Before you now start to fill me up with meat shame...please hold your horses.  These two men fill up their shopping cart with a combination of meat and vegetarian alternatives.  A his favorite at the moment are spincach burgers.   So please take down your guns or stop reading.  It is your choice...)  More than once my son expressed his dissappointment about the status of his baked meat.  'Nay, grannie bakes it better!', or 'Why can you not do this just the way they do this at our favorite burger place?', were a few of his cooking reviews.  

Honestly?  I knew why because I just don't have the skills and secondly I don't own a professional gril.  The thing was that I already had tried a few things to get a better go at my grilling.  But helas, all were failed attempts.   Honestly I do think that a steak cooked or grilled by chef will always taste differently than the one you prepare at home.   So I just gave in and accepted the feedback of my son to be sincere and justified.  

Then last summer I was browsing on the internet and due to a friend who was dreaming of getting a Le Crueset I decided to have a glance at their collection and there it was the one thing that I had not tried: a cast iron grillpan.  And yes, I decided to spend some of my summer holiday budget on it.  You should have seen me when the box arrived.  It was if Christmas had arrived six months earlier!  Giddy and so over the moon with this new kitchen asset.  The bright orange in combination with the black colors made my heart jump for joy!  Jezus...what had come to me?  It was if I was in candystore and got to fill up the biggest bag with all my favorite sweets. 

So that it took me almost six months to actually start using this thing of beauty is actually not something I am proud of.  After all is this a pan that screams to be used non stop.  Yes, it takes up a lot of space and it is not easily to be carried around and not fits just randomly in any cabinet.  The moment that you start using it for what it is designed for you a whole new world opens up.  Last night I had such a great time with my LC.  The moment I gentrly dropped the meat on the black surface I had a certain sensation within that I can only describe as butterflies.  The sizzling and the smell of food that then was catapulted into my kitchen was so overwhelming and made me long for more of the same. 

Now I have had this cooking ephinanies before and I know so well what then happens.  From there it only can go down and it does.  Because after using the tool you need to that one thing that nobody considers their favorite task:cleaning up.  It is whithin this act that many of my cooking adventures have been send back to where they came from...in my dreams.   Why?  Well because when I attack something with water, soap and a sponge it does not always turn out to be successful.  Some of my pots and pans have only had a very short life span.  Especially my grilling pans turned out to be rather one hit wonder.  Yeah, I have managed more than once to ruin a pan because I just went totaly bezerk with my sponge and soap. 

This time I had pledged to not let this happen because a Le Crueset only derserves to be handled with care, the best care.  In order to keep up that promise I had ordered a tiny extra accessory along with the pan.  My first reaction was to ignore it when it had popped up on my screen when I had bought my LC online.  It was the design that had gotten me to click on buy.  From above it looks like the top of a LC.  Cutest cleaning brush ever and believe me it surely delivers what it promises.  At the moment my cleaned LC is standing on my stove and it ready to be called back into action!  

Let us just say that my first grilling of 2023 was a success on all frontiers including the one that I normally rather dislike and can make me fill up with dissappointment.   The new year is so far so good when it comes down to using a grilling pan.  Yes, I am trying to be grateful and happy with the small wonders and delights that the universe is granting me.  Oh...the fourth of January and this means the sales are on...hmm wondering what Le Crueset is putting on sale...  *letting my fingers glide over my keyboard

Baking Brownies

2022 is the past and 2023 is in full swing.  Nope I haven't been in a very blogging modus since COVID started and part of that is also the reason why I haven not been in a state of writing as much as I like to.  Part of me seems to be in a writers block of huge size and there is nothing that made me shake it off.  Or at least long enough to let this space be again that spot where I can turn to when I feel the urge to express what I feel, hope, inspire, long for,  wish to express without being judged.  The thing is that writing is an act that also longs to be read by others.  So the moment that you do put something down you must be prepared that other individuals will read what you have written.  What then follows can be diverse and not always be what you expect the ideal scenario.   Been there done that and honestly I have been given immediate feedback by quite a few people what they think about what I do write down here. Do I care?

Honestly?  Yes...I do and since the virus is having a great jumping around all over the place time I do feel as if I even care more than ever.  It is been bugging me big time...not the virus...rather how I feel about writting in general.  The thing is that I miss it big time and that I seem to have forgotten why I write in the first place...and that is not to please anyone.   

When I started out here I did have a very clear objective and that was not linked to only get positive feedback or having tons of followers.   None of that and honestly the last few months I do feel as if I start to feel more and more the urge to write more frequently. It is just that there has always been a little voice been inside of me telling why it was just not worthwhile to spend time behind the keyboard.  That voice won me over...resulting in rather questioning why I would even express my feelings or opinions. 

So when it was time to look ahead to the empty pages that the year of 2023 still has and if I feel as if I wish to comment on what is about to happen or look back over my shoulders I decided that I just had to be a bit braver and daring that I have been over the last 24 months.   No, I refuse to say that this is going to be one of my intentions for 2023.   Intensions have never worked for me and if I want to change something within myself or behavious I need a bit more than on new circle around the sun.  After all I do know myself very well. 

Just say that I do feel that is high tide and that I embarked my ship that I have been trying to get ready for a new adventure.  Not sure where it will take me and for once I don't care as much as I have been for a long time.  Yes, I expect to end up in a fierce storm and waves will clash against my tiny sailing boat and wish to take me down.  No doubt about that but I just have opted out the posibility to stay safe within the harbor and missing out on some of the nicer moments that I had in the past as well when typing away. 

 After all I not only write here...and also there I plan to rekindle my urge to write.  No, I don't expect a hand of applause and no encouraging words to make this an easier voyage out there.  After all, it is me who has to do let my fingers glide over the keyboard and push them fown so that my thoughts, opinions and stories can appear on paper.  Just walking around with them make them end up covered up by dust, self pity and even 'killing of' my own creativity.   

Yes, I am fully aware that I have tried before to me more productive and more than once I turned out to be not what I had hoped for.  Well...I want 2023 to be a year that is going to count double in some ways.  I want it to be 12 months in which I rekindle a few things that have given me already joy and energy.  That I am at the same time baking brownies on request for my son (he is been begging already over a year for that and every single time I managed to come up with an excuse why it was not the right time to turn on the oven and get the baking trays out of the cupboard.   That I today felt a bit more the urge to start baking again and let eggs, flour, butter and chocolate in combination with heat do their magic is perhaps a sign.  

My kitchen is filling up with an irresistible smell and I do wonder what perfume writing would come along.   Not sure that it would be the rich cacao hints would travel into my nose every time when I write something.  Some fruits of writing labour reflect rather sale and mouldy food that makes you run to the nearest sink but that is also the nature of the beast. 

Oh...the oven bell just rang and my son his smile while he stares at me after seeing the outcome of the baking says all I need to know.  Even if the taste might not be what he expected and longed for I still had a wonderful time weighing the ingredients, mixing them, pouring the dough into a baking tin and letting the oven and heat do their thing while I was typing away.  So I guess that 2023 might also be the year where I decide to use all that great baking books and baking trays that have been collecting dust in my kitchen cabinets.   

Have to run...see you soon and always happy to have you over for some tasting.  Hereby I also wish you the very best for the coming 12 months and hope that you get to eat many great slices of cake and not have to deal with many less tasty bakked goods. 

PS: Believe it or not but even the song I choose to go along with this entry is linked to baking.  It is part of the soundtrack of a very nice movie called 'Sachertorte' and believe me that number of cakes that they had to bake for that movies must have been a rather high one. 

Seurat versus Pollock

 

Total bliss…the last few days before going back I rather love to call exactly that.  These are the days that are filled up with something that I will be losing for in the weeks to come.   And then will be longing for that exact same feeling in the next 10 months.  The last few days before this summer holiday comes to a total stand still and hell breaks loose again I try to remain empty as much as possible.  Now don't get me wrong.  I am so sorry having to use the word hell but after being out there for over 20 years I still don’t get over the fact what September mentally does to me.  And I am quite sure that most of my fellow educators all across the world agree with me.  Every single year again it happens again and it honestly messes up everything.  

Now that sounds like an exaggeration but unfortunately it is not.  Not that I don’t have tried to kick off a new school year in the same mental state as when tying up the last few strings in June.  There have been years that I just refused to let that specific rather gloomy sensation being poured all over my body. Believe me, I tried but never got the expected result.

Before we are diving in deeper I can hear some of you say very loudly:’Hey Stallie, there are ways to get prepared and try to be ahead of the game.’  Yip, there are and most of them I have tried and some of them I still use.  But honestly not all of them work or at least not for me.  Over the last few years I have come to the realisation that the ninth month of the year is a deal breaker and that I have to expect the unexpected and that most of the time it will end up being rather a messy time. 

Please be so kind to bear with me.  Just don’t now run away and think that I am just a spoiled kid that comes moaning after having had over 8 weeks off to enjoy.  I get that…I totally get that.  Point taken and honestly it is thanks to these weeks that I am at the moment  able to throw out all those thoughts that won’t take me anywhere.  Clearing out my head is one of my best summer activities.  It took me a few years to get more aware of this process.  The thing is that once I became more aware of it the more I start to appreciate it even more.  And how would I then describe what goes on in my rather chaotic brain?

First I go through what I call rather 'the denial phase' where I sense that my body and my brain still seem to think that need to be in a state of being prepared for school. Tiny little thoughts creep in while I an enjoying those first days at home in a free spirit.  My office bag is still parked where it usually is during the year.  Plus on my phone there are still a few work related messages popping up that will tempt me to think that I am going back next week.  

Next there is a phase that I tempt to call ‘debriefing’.  For those that seem to have always easy going school years they might not even experience such a phase.  In a way I envy you but the older I get the more I am aware that this is perhaps once of the most valuable moments in my summer break. Within me there is a lot of organising going.  It seems as if I am unpacking my work brain and giving everything the mental status that it really deserves.  Yes, not only the good moments will pass by also the messy, sad, panicking, chaotic, upset, angry, disappointing ones.  The thing about this phase is that it is as if I can manage to let go and give every single moment the time and space it deserves. It is as if you take of your blind fold and can see very clearly.  It is a very forceful and energetic process and there are times that I just want to sit back and enjoy that feeling at the fullest.   

The only down side of it that my body then not always seems to keep up with my mind.  Sleep is then the one side effect that I rather seem to struggle with.  Yes, I will enjoy going very late to bed and dive into even deeper into that one great book that is part of my very well researched and contemplated summer read.   The night hours I seem to enjoy the most because I then come to my senses that I just needed a break.  Still, the moment I do fall asleep I have those nights that I dream very vividly of some of the less fun times of the previous year. One time I even got fired within one of these and waking up was finding out what reality was or not. 

Once they have both settles their dues I then enter the stage of walking on an bland and pristine canvas.  I then experience that there is nothing that can spook me or can unsettle me when it comes to work.  I then can look ahead without having to jump into a cramp.  I then feel that a certain peace within and honestly that is priceless.   Total emptiness within is feeling that you are ready to take back on the next challenge.  There is once again space opened up that grants you lean way within.  Total bliss and the best thing of it is that I did not even have to travel to Bora Bora (not that I did cross it of my travel bucket list) to obtain that state of mind.    Is it because I am getting older and that I now settle more easily into a certain routine or is the growing mental awareness that I make time for during my summer break.  Honestly I don’t have a clue but I do now that it are those first couple of weeks that my mind needs desperately in order to get an other canvas ready. 

Now if it there would all stop then we would be a very happy bunny.   But as we all know does time only move forward unless some of you have been offered the secret of time travelling. Once that Ferragosto shows up on the calendar the next phase is about to kick in.  One that I sometimes start to have certain doubts about.  The reasons for that are multiple and partly I do then find out that my lovely blank canvas that I was priming for a brand new and exciting school year then not turns out to be so straight forward.  

Inside of me I have pictured a carefully put together piece of art that resembles the work by the French artist George Seurat. The over all plan of my year ahead is that I will carefully brush every single colour on my canvas without having to loose the plot.  The art of pointillism is my cup of tea and I envision creating something similar to my all time favourite work by him called ‘Sunday on la Grande Jatte’.  It is a wonderful art work that so carefully is painted that it communicates order, system, planning ahead, structure, effective communication and all those elements that I strongly believe to get ready for successful school year. 

Within the last two weeks before the official start I then plant carefully my first brushes on the canvas without having to loose all the balance within. I know exactly where I want to plant my next stroke of red, violet or blue.  I have figured it out and I have got a waterproof plan.  I have got total control of my work of art.   The year ahead is very straight forward planned time and nothing is going to distract me or getting me derailed.  Not this time…after all this time out there I know what to expect.  Bring on these ten months of educational fun.  

That around that exact time time also my favourite Italian trattorias and restaurants reopen after their summer break is also helping me.  The excitement that this process all brings helps to settle for having to exchange my careless mornings and not having to face the morning rush. You fully realise that what you have signed up for years ago is still what you want.  You even saying out loud that your are ready to go back.  Back to reality and where all the educational fun takes place.  Huray for September! 

Unfortunately this is the shortest phase I get to experience.  Every single year again…over and over again the next phase arrives.  The one where you need to settle for a certain sensation that is a bit less fun.  Within one week I have to face a rather painful reality and by the time that I am heading back to my first real time lesson and have put into my planner my first meetings things have changed.  It is then that I have got to come to realisation that my blank canvas is already changed into something that reflects less an impressionistic art work. Instead I am rather staring at work that will lead to something that reflects the work of a more expressionistic artist.  My careful planted points of paint have been covered by ‘drippings’.  And I am not the one who has been throwning them on my canvas.  Others were so kind to pass by and leave their marks.  As I  am typing this I have already been  ‘disrupted’ at least once by a work related phonemail that has left a few big ‘drippings’ on my structured work.   So instead I am exchanging ‘my Seurat’ for an ‘our Jackson Pollock’. 

That I now try to come to terms with that reality is perhaps a bit of a less calm sensation but over the last few years I have come to realisation that Pollocks his paintings depict something that I do so long for.  A school year is after all a work of a team and this team consists of all very talented artists who wish to leave behind their imprint as well.  What we all have in common is that we are in the mood of some action that will result a piece of art that will depict our best work that we all can benefit of. 

  
Yes, Stallie does not look forward to the chaos and mess that ‘action painting’ brings along.  I am already telling the ones around me that I will be happy when the month October arrives. It sounds so ungrateful and a bit as if I can’t handle that first month back.  The thing is that I just need to get my head around those first outlines to make sure that I know where we all wish to head for.  The most messy period of the school year brings all those things that I rather despise and just can live without but they are part of the job description.   I just hope to get through the upcoming month  with not that many cuts and tears in my canvas.   I am fully aware that creating this work will involve also having to hold my breath, having to find back my balance, trying not always to speak up mind and more less straight forward sensation. A school year withholds the challenging sensation that I will now and then need to go with the flow and deal with whimsical wisps of art brushes that are not mine.   

No, Pollocks work is not exactly my cup of tea but once I take a closer look at the mental artwork that I have been producing together with others I do see so clearly what Pollock was after whe he said about his own work the following:’"I feel more comfortable on the floor. I feel closer, more part of the painting, because this way I can walk around it, work from all four sides and literally be in the painting.”

So…herby I already wish all my colleagues and fellow educators around the world  a lot of fun creating their own Pollock.  Believe me it is so much more fun to be within a piece of work than having to dissect of a distance.  Let it be the ten very colourful months that are filled up with action work produced by a very creative team.   So grab for your box of brushes and colours and get on dripping!  There is after still some empty walls to fill up in the most exciting museum of all: school!  

 

PS: I did not pick randomly Pollock and Seurat.  One of my favorite movies is 'Ferris Bueller's Day off'.  I still love that movie.  Not only because I ended up as a 19 year old one in that museum in Chigago staring at not only that Seurat painting and a Jackson Pollock one.  It is also a movie about growing up and having to face what you wish to see and how you see yourself.  Personally it is underated movie.  And yes it is also about skipping school...and let us face that we all must have felt that urge once in our lives to skip one day of school in order to do what we really wanted to do.  It is within these out of school trips that we do find something that helps us to refocus.   Freeing yourself is being able to get out those colours that define you and help to create that one piece of work that is a real reflection of yourself.

In the need of more speed...

 

 

Finally…I have been back to a movie theatre!  It took me a long time to dare to go back in due to a certain.  For a very long time I did not experienced the urge to fully commit to go and sit down in an other room in total darkness where there are no windows that you can open.  As so many amongst us I did started instead to stream movies by signing up to certain services who throw so many movies and series at you.  Binge watching found its way into my life;  

On top of that have I been having an extremely good time rediscovering a few of those things I have not been doing for rather a long time.  There are still a few ones that I still seem not to be ready for but that is okay.  The ones that I have done surely added some more spice to my existence.  That we were able to celebrate Christmas together was such a bonus to a year that kept me on my toes.  Still I did miss going to the movies…I did.  Okay the sound of slurping fizzy drink and popcorn eating noises I did not but it was all the other sensations that come along by going to see a movie on a big screen that I did lack.

When Tom Cruise had announced that Top Gun: Maverick was not going to be released for streaming I first was bit disappointed.  To be honest the d-word did not even cover what I felt.  Yes, I had been anticipating that release and I just couldn’t wait to get back into a high speed plane and finding out what had happened to Maverick and if he still was going strong with Charlie.   Hey…I was in desperately in for speed…  So yes, I admit I was one of those fans that just couldn’t wait to see what it would be like to see Maverick&co back in action.

Now I know what you are thinking…Stallie must have had the hots for Cruise as many of us did.  After all there was the infamous elevator ride she did even mention that one in one her previous entries.  Plus yes, I have seen most of the Cruise his movies.  I plead guilty on all those charges.  The thing with this specific movies is that I had something else going on with that just a man in a jumpsuit driving a motorcycle and driving a woman crazy while just wearing Aviators.  ‘It is complicated’-tagline coming up here…and you might not believe me anyway why I had rather the hots for something else when it came down to that movie.

The moment that Goose and Maverick got into their very fast planes and I saw the whole crew at work something inside of me was triggered.  It even started to before that.  The opening sequence of Top Gun is for me a winner.  Because it told me something about planes and how much teamwork is behind them to fly secure.  Oh yes, it was the cinematography of Tony Scot in combination of the music by Kenny Loggins and Berlin.  And Top Gun Anthem can still give me goosebumps for so many reasons.  

Top Gun was to me a movie mostly about the planes and about friendship.  Lots was written about the movie at the time.  Plus that the heat you could feel between Iceman and Maverick when they are getting from order the shower and walk around in a towel in the locker room is unmistakably one of the most testosterone loaded scenes I had come across.  Needless to say what the beach volleyball scene did with our hormones.  Let alone the song ‘Take my breath away’. But honesty I just loved the noise and the movement of the planes.  The take off on the flight carrier was for me one of the highlight and the touchdowns made me go in overdrive.

The thing is that I was a teenager at the time and that more than 3 decades later after the original so much has changed.  I got older and surely did all the cast members of that movie.  Deep down I was even expecting it to be not even close to be as good as the original one.  So that Tom Cruise was putting it off to release his latest creation was in a way a bit of bittersweet.  In a way it seemed the movie was buying time.   And with that tiny virus still causing global havoc I wondered if it ever was going to happen.…well…I finally did happen…and what a pa

Now about a month later I am still amazed by the movie.  Yes, because of a bunch of fit men in a jumpsuit, toothpaste smiles and the need for speed I went back into movie theatre. No, I did not buy any popcorn or fizzy drink.  The line at the check out was way too long and we were already running late.  Instead I tried hard to just focus on what was in front of me.  In an IMAX the screen takes up a lot of space and the Dolby surround just block anything else.  So that was easy peasy but what a ride this movie was…

What an action movie this turned out to be and how do all the puzzle pieces fit together.  Yes, there are a few comebacks and one is a particular one.  So many ‘easter eggs’ are thrown in there that your basket will be filled up to the brim.  Remember Carole Bradshaw alias Mrs Goose (Meg Ryan her character)? She was the one who hugged Pete Mitchell and a few seconds later said:"He told me all about the time you went ballistic with Penny Benjamin.”  Well, ever wondered what the admiral’s daughter must have looked like?  Patience pays off because in this movie you see why she was worth a fly over.  I had my doubts about her taking the place of Charlie but then the signs were there.  Pete Mitchell was not going to settle down easily and neither was the ambitious lady.   And then there was Iceman.  Val Kilmer his character was taking up so much place in the first movie that you wondered if he would ever share a box of Magnum ice creams with anyone.  Well, I am not going to give too much away but the reunion of Pete and the man who once ran around with bleached hair tips through a locker room wearing only a white towel is one of the highlights of the movie.

But foremost this is an action movie in which once again the planes get a lot to say.  The opening sequence gave me goosebumps.  That over thirty years later so much has changed is something that you can see in the way they filmed everything.  Everything is on the edge…and when these young pilots take off and wonder if their old teacher can even teach them a few things about flying you do know you are in for a treat.

So yes…I LOVED THE MOVIE!  It was as good as a big box of macarons by Ladurée or a chilled bottle of Veuve Cliquot. There is a lot of nostalgic involved but Tom Cruise&co managed to wrap it all up in one gigantic box that is filled with all the good stuff. Stuff that blockbusters are made off.  Tony Scott passed sadly away some ten years ago and this movie was even put to an hold due to it.  Still, I am pretty sure that he would have approved of what Joe Kosinski has done with his characters and planes.  Sequels turn out to be rather disappointing but this one is just a league on its own.  After all when Tony Scott made Tom and Vil get into a F14 was he even wondering what the legacy would be of that movie?  In case you are still in doubt about going to see the next generation of pilots who are aiming high? Don’t…you will have a thrilling flight on board…you are in the safe hands of Kosinski&Co.  Oh and one one more thing ladies and gentlemen, please go easy on Bob…the guy is a keeper.