La Dolce Far Niente

P had already asked a few times when we were going to watch that DVD that was lying aroudn in our living room. 'You mean 'Eat Pray Love'?', I asked him. Considering that rather a movie for women searching for their innerself I did gave him a bit a strange look. Because I did doubt that P did know what that movie was about and I knew that he was not such a fan of Julia Roberts her lips.

But desperate times call for desperate measures! And last night I did think that the movie was the perfect wrap up of my rather mind-racing week. Stallie is working on her inner self and it is not easy. Weekly I have now a very caring manual therapist who gets his hand on me. Rather confrontating because he did manage to open up Pandora's box. This guy who just seems to breath ZEN whole the time does ask some very straight forward questions and does send me out back into the cruel terrifying world with even more questions. So what flies out of the box triggers my mind. But at the same time I do come to my senses at the end of the week.

It is like a mind-voyage you get to make. I must admit that I forgot about the word 'therapist' when I walked into the practice of A. First time it was also not he who put his 'healing' hands down my aching neck & back. First session was his colleague E who walked through all the standard questions and gave me the first five dates to note down in my busy agenda. But one week later I met up with the real stuff.

Outcome of the last session: walking into my rather dark side. The Stallie, that can be so undecisive, that seems to forget easily things and important data (Yeah, I even forgot my password for my e-mail account. Freaked out and did crash and burn right in our living room!), the crying kind (a tiny dead hedgehog next to the road can make my eyes fill up with tears), less relaxing (I then tend to listen not as closely to what people tell me because my mind is so preoccupied!), go bezerk in my car (sorry for all those people out there who got the less nice Stallie-treatment. My bodylanguage is very clear when you are less clear where you are heading for with your car!),... I could go on for hours...

So yes, last night I was ready to unwrap that colorful DVD and pop the disc into the dvd-player. I dived under my comfortable & warm blanket and then hit the play button. And yes, for 140 minutes I managed to let go. Something that I according to my therapist still not seem to manage. It is funny when it happens and that while you watch a movie, read a book, marvel at a certain piece of art or listen carefully to a piece of music that you then can let go. But still....

'Eat Love Pray' is more then just a movie. In the first place it is a real story of a real person. This 'real' story you can read in the book that the author got published in 2006. I do own it but I have to admit (while my cheeks are coloring red) that I still not have read a single page of it. It is way at the end of my high book stack that is waiting to be digested. No, Elizabeth Gilbert was not high up on my reading wishing list. Also the critics had not all been so blessing about her and that made her end up very low.

Guess sometimes you do change your mind because ...each country that Liz visited triggered a soft spot in my heart and made me marvel and smile. There are plenty catchy quotes I could now fire away at you to make you convince that this is the right movie & book (read the book first!!!) to get your hands on for a rainy or depressing day... But I am not going to because I think you should get the chance to hear them for the very first time yourself spoken by the right people and not by 'in-the-process-of- lost&found'-Stallie.

And no, I don't have the luxery to do the exact thing as Elizabeth Gilbert, who quit her job for a year and managed to travel to Italy, India and Indonesia to find 'everything' or her innerself. But according to many who are into 'mindfullness' and take meditation very serious you should be able to do it anywhere & at anytime. All you need is you. A delicious plate of pasta in Rome, a beach holiday in Bali or going into seclusion in an Indian Ashram might trigger it but then the voyage still has not come to an end. It seems to be something you need to work on constantly but it should not ask to much energy. At least once you get the hang of it.

Am I? No, I still seem not to be one of these people. You would get a crack out of seeing me trying get into meditation posture! (my sis does master this and there is a pic on here somewhere to proof it! Awesome sis!) I just fall of the bed. An when I try to concentrate on my abdominal breathing I am about to choke! But that is for sure a key to a better awareness of yourself! Not to mention the chanting you need to do to get into trance. I just seem not to be able to memorize the correct order of them or I start to play word games with them. Stallie at her best!

I just have found out that coming to your senses and finding what you are after in life does take time. My mum surprised me a few months ago with telling my that she got to that point... It was very scary and at the same time hopefull to hear her say outloud that she did find fulfillment. That the circle in her mind was fully drawn and she was content. And I do envy her.

When I look at her face I do see so much more then just a face. In her eyes I can see that sparkle that I am desperately seeking and want to keep on burning. Yes, she does believe in some of the 'hocus pocus' the asians try to teach us, the tensed westerns. Not that she walks through the house chanting and meditates the whole time or only cooks macrobiotic food or uses alternative ways of healing. She has found her own path through life and manages to stay on it long enough to find peace,....

So, seems I have still a long way to go. For the moment I am trying to optimize the art of 'la dolce far niente'. I guess I am already screwing that up by blogging, downloading a new wallpaper for my desktop, buying music on iTunes and getting a cool iPhone-app and becoming a member of an inspiring Facebook-page. And now I am searching for my word, a word that covers me, the whole me that can stand the test of time and tell it all. Nothing ground breaking that will change the world or bring extra profit to our household. At least not visible!

Yes, I can call in some extenuating circumstances to call for: it are things related to 'Eat Pray Love'. I am also very sure that when P asks me what I have been doing while he was out getting smarter on one of his medical conferences and I tell him honestly that he will say:'So basically you have not been doing nothing!' Hey, I master already 'far niente' and I am experiencing 'la dolce' of it. One down of that long list!!!

P.S.: When I browsed through the book I came across this section and I do so agree with this. And did not need to watch 'Star Wars' once more to agree! LOL

"Ketut, why is life all crazy like this?", I asked my medicine man the next day.
He replied,"Bhuta ia, dewa ia."
"What does that mean?"
"Man is a demon, man is god. Both true."
This was a familiar idea to me. It's very Indian, very Yogic. The notion is that human beings are born, as my Guru has explained many times, with the equivalent potential for both contraction and expansion. The ingredients of both darkness and light are equally present in all of us, and then it's up to the individual (or the family, or the society) to decide what will be brought forth - the virtues or the malevolence. The madness of this planet is largely a result of the human being's difficulty in coming into virtuous balance with himself. Lunacy (both collective and individual) results. "

('Eat Pray Love', Elizabeth Gilbert, p.250-251)

P.S.2: In case you wish to board on an adventurous mind-trip and dare to search for everthing then you might want to check out: http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/eatpraylove.htm
You can also find tons of 'cool' things on Youtube and google goes wild when you give in this title. The Facebook-page has got over 1 million fans and easy to find as well. And on Twitter they are also already busy with 'Eat Pray Love', and what about a cool iPhone App that fires of some inspiring quotes to spice up your day. It is all out there for you to discover!! But don't forget they are only tools, you need to work hard yourself to make it work for you!!!

P.S.3: This goosebumps producing piece of Mozart opera music is on the Soundtrack of the movie. And yes, there are times that 'Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzem'. Bet most of us have tried to imitate once or twice to get that high but failed desperately. Enjoy the goosebumps!

Breathtaking Moments

Last night the moon was amazing to look at! It was announced as this phenomenon called 'superlunar' and so worht an extra glance up into the evening sky! I even was tempted to get my camera out but I just decided not to do so and just live the moment. I tried to suck up the energy that was beaming towards me. Love moonlight! For sure it was the SUPERMOON they had been raving on about on Twitter.

Today I raved on myself about many things. Because I decided to have a day of my own. Just me, myself and I. Nobody else to take into consideration for a few hours. P&A out for most of the day and I got then the pure luxery to have the house for myself. And one look outside told me that this day was going to be for a very sunny day. And what does Stallie do on a sunny Sunday in March?

Well I then first turn up the radio and play all my favorite music. This without having to put up with P his comments and him changing stations. Okay, I am getting the hang of Studio Brussels more and more. Like on Saturday evenings we have got our private dance away on StuBru music in our living room but still... The musical inhouse high light of the day was something special: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKFxkqPdsoI


The Youtube Symphony took my breath away many times and I even hooked up my precious laptop on to our bluetooth speaker system. Most of the music was superb performed and this by 101 young musicians from 33 countries. One week long these talented musicians had been playing music all over the Australian hotspot. Their last night they would fill up the world famous Opera House with their divine sounds. My favorite piece: 'Mothership' (refering to the Operahouse and A even sees it in there:'Mum, that looks like a ship!') composed by Mason Bates. A piece he wrote especially for this occassion and this for orchestra & electronica with soloists. Gave me some goosebumps.



Classical music can still take this girl her breath away!!!

Next I decided to get myself ready to get lost in Brussels and clear my head. Lately I am trying to get my hear around stress and what causes it. There are many solutions but some are rather radical. I am the one who calls the shots but I feel sometimes so lost out there when I need make up my mind. So next I fired up my iPod Nano and jumped on the metro. I took along 'Shakespeare on Toast'. A little book I got in the giftshop of the Globe while I was over in London last summer. According to Judi Dench:'A brilliantly enjoyable, light-hearted look at Shakespeare which dispels the myths and makes him accessible to all! I love it!'

Yes, I have studied the most famous bard of all in high school & college! Therefor I did think at first glance that this book was not going to teach me anything new. But boy, was I wrong. It is like a crash course and goes beyond most of the stuff I had to dive into when I still was unwrinkled. And the author Ben Crystal,ladies, is he cool! http://www.shakespearontoast.com/meet-the-author




The old bard can still take this girl her breath away!

Once I got above ground I plugged in my headset and shuffled my music. My feet carried me around town and the music that my brain picked up seemed to make me go faster. And then I came across Bozar, the museum of fine arts. It was ages ago that I had been inside there. A&P are not into art like I do. Stallie can get lost in a museum. It is there that she does come back to her senses and forgets most of the other things that are going on. I travel then back to the center.

Today on was: Venetian and Flemish Masters I like old masters. In a way they calm me down. It is hard to explain but it might be the simplicity of the subjects and objects. The colors and the way the light is brushed down on wooden panels or canvas. The effect the audioguided tour had on me was beyond words. And yes, I did then get my Moleskine notebook out and started to note down random thoughts.

On one of the signs I came across I got to read this:

"Great art always touches the sacred, and resonates with the peace, the quiet, the infinity, the longing, the defiance, the melancholy and the angst that we carry deep within us. Each in its way..."

It are these fitting words that for sure wrap up where I got my eyes and mind set on. By the time I walked into the great gift shop I seemed to have been on a mind trip. My favorite painting and this for many reasons:



The Old Masters can still take this girl her breath away.

By the time I got out of the museum the sky was still breathtaking beautiful. In a way its color reminded me of that color only the most divine characters get 'dressed up' in: precious lapis lazuli! Still, my stomach was graving for food and not for just any food. Nope! Rather for one of these forbidden fruits when you are paying attention to your weight. But I had my mind set on this one and I tackled successfully all the lost tourists around the Big Market Square to get my hands on one of these:




YUMMY!!! Also this took my breath away!!! I then decided to call it the day and headed back home. Last song I got to hear before getting back into my car was this very fitting one:

Fragile Faith

Uhm, seems that I have not been out here for quite some time! But I just had some things going on out there. The highlight of my past week was last Tuesday. For the last month I had been a kind of anxious about this because I got to meet up with my big boss. On top of that I had kind of voluntereed to speak up my mind when he was in the same room with me. For weeks I had been thinking of what I wanted to tell him and my audience.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I met the notorious and very controversial archbishop Léonard. Yes, he is my big chief. Because on top of teaching general subjects I am a religion teacher and this means that I have two different contracts. On one there is this impressive stamp of the bishop to justify my ability to teach the subject religion.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, DO I LOVE TEACHING THAT SUBJECT!!! I truly do. It is hard to explain to others why! Not that I have not tried but in many cases people will give me strange looks when I tell them that I teach this. Even more then ever with my new boss and in less faithfull days! But after 13 years I do think that this subject still saves me while being out there. It is there that I find many ingredients that I need to get through a difficult day or period.

It is like extra oxygen I suddenly get to breath in. Not that every lesson is a very big hit and in most cases it will take me by surprise. Yes, I still believe and have got faith. There have been enough moments in my life that I do question if I do and that there is something or someone out there. Yes, what is going on out there in Japan fills me up with fear and compassion. Yes, even when I turn on the light I wonder how long I will be able to do this so easily. Yes, I feel kind of helpless when I see the images they spit out on TV, the newspaper and even on Twitter. Yes, it touches my heart and makes me feel rather small and humble.

Today my inspiring Juniors asked about Japan and their faith! These are special ed kids and you might sometimes be suprised what they have picked up out there. When I told them about the people that are out there trying to prevent this threatening melt down who are kind of sacrificing their lives I had 100% their attention. 'Why do they such a thing? What do they believe in? Is it Buddha or something else who makes them do this? Do they believe in something different then we do who makes them do this?' Etc.

Last Tuesday I did try to explain to 'Monseigneur Léonard' what goes on in my mind and stomach when I teach out there the subject religion. And yes, I had my audience on my hand. It is very exciting sensation when you do. I have seen many faces out there who were very concentrated while listening. In a way they reminded me of my pupils when I do have their attention and they seem to hang on my lips. Including that one guy I only had met up with in the press and on TV.

Many had questioned me why I even wanted to do this. Why I was even going to try to make some statements about something that this person so differently thinks about then most 'modern' human beings? I had to deal in most cases with some less nice comments or was told that this person is not even worth the attention. Uhm, well I had/have got my own very personal reasons! So I went three days in seclusion in order to write that one 'special' speech. The reasons that made me do this I can not write down here, they sit very deep in a place where not many people are granted access to. It is my personal drive and my very personal life story that made me type away and search for the most fitting words to knock down on paper.

I am not a perfect human being and I have got my moments that my faith goes down the tubes! On top of that I do think that you can never force a certain faith on someone. It does not work for me. When I had the age of my pupils I was somewhere in between. I was then about to challenge and question many things and persons. On top of that I do think that it is not a process that has a very clear beginning & end. Yes, I do tell my pupils very personal things about my life during religion lessons. For 100 minutes a week I grant them access into my inner sanctum.

But still, just like my very concentrated audience I met up with last Tuesday they do not know everything about me. Because yes, in the last ten years I do had some moments that I was tempted to hand in my resignation for teaching that 'holy' subject. Why? Well, that is very personal and can I not just spit out here. It would be taken out of the context, a very meaningful context.

When I got back at work that day many asked me:'Stallie, how was it?'. They were especially wondering what Léonard was like. I do not think that the archbishop is going to change because of what we think and say about him. I did not go in there with that mission. I just wanted to make sure that my boss knows what goes on my head when I teach and try to let the younger generation travel along.

Tuesday I faced my boss who seems to be a very 'wise' (and read wise in this case as a person who happens to be very learned and has got some very impressive credentials to get him where he is now!) but not (this is my very personal opinion) a 'street-wise' person. Last Tuesday I did not meet up with a person who I think has got all the answers and the ultimate divine power to grant me access to heaven. He did not change my point of view on many things I believe in or my personal faith. I do not agree on many things with him or on how Rome seems to deal with certain situations that have taken place out there. Nope! None of that!

After that speech I am still the same person. But yes, it was nice that my big boss gave me a meaning full handshake, five pats on my shoulder and said:'Thank you for your personal testimony.' And that was exactly what I had been doing in there. For the rest of the day I was over on cloud #9 but with in the evening an emotional&fysical meltdown! Speech side-effects, they still get on to me! But I am very aware of that belief and faith are so fragile.

Japan found out last week that the earth is also very fragile and that ground on which we are walk on is so unpredictable. On top of that also in this disastrous situation they also then find out how their bosses deal with things. Do they all agree with how their higher authorities seem to try to tackle this disaster? It seems no! And so I guess that most of us do work for a boss with whom we not always agree with. Is our boss our best friend? Do I therefor love my job less or do I use my talents less wisely and am I not prepared to make some personal sacrifices? NOPE! And so you can be sure that those Japanese workers out there are at that dangerous hot NPP also have got their own very personal reasons for going the distance! So yes, I will be praying tonight before I turn of the light!!!



P.S.: I do think that we are a generation that is dissapointed in many things. For sure the Church and many politicians. I do still go wild on this song. Also I use lots of music and images when I teach the subject religion. This song is one of my personal favorites. And that Myléne Farmer dances away on a cross I do think is very fitting image to go along with this entry. Because yes, I am still dancing away while searching for many things out there!

The Gate

Stallie is having an issue with a certain personal trait she obtained through out the years. It is bugging me lately. If I come to think of it this trait might even be one of the major reasons why I am experiencing those tension headaches. For the moment I am even typing this entry with a cloud in my head.

This weekend was nice. Not to busy and this Sunday was so sunny and already had its first signs of Spring integrated into it. I can't wait to get my Spring outfits out of the closet and I am even planning to buy some new 'sexy' jeans. It even not bugged me that much that P was (again!ONE WEEK OUT OF TWO!!!) on call. That he caused even some insomnia I just forgave him with a big sincere smile on my tired face.

On Monday I hope to find the person who is going to attack successfully that tension that is blocking my body movements. Have to take A along because of the lack of a babysitter. But then I hope that the Nintendo DS will once be a good enough device to give me those 30 min. my body is begging for.

I bet that this person wil mention the word stress. Hate that word because I consider a word that is part of many people their daily vocab. In a sense I even need a small portion of it to make my deadlines I am facing in my agenda. Using it as an 'excuse' for physical complaints is not my style. BUT.... I do agree that most of the time your body tries to tell you something. It is sending signals out in ways that it will for sure catch your attention when everything else seems to have failed.

Today I just got into one of these fits that is so Stallie-like. I started to question myself & my behaviour. I opened once more that one gate that I so desperately try to keep closed because it can screw up my mental state. P kindly listened because this time I was not yelling or trying to get under his skin. Nope, I just sat there rather defeated and felt so stupid. I threw him in his face a few sentences that were buggging me. This in the hope it would kind of release a certain bad spirit that is hiding out in me.

P stayed very calm and sometimes even nodded. He is not a man of many words! And nope, chances are very high that I am not talking about you out there who has recently spilled the beans or has confided in me something that you might only tell a few souls. Nah, Stallie got today the personal treatment. Up, close and personal. Someone was so nice to question my personal (according to this person since the last 6 months 'changed') behaviour and I could not run.

I do care about what people tell me about my personal behaviour. It can get under my skin and it even can cause me sleepless nights. Then have to get out the make-up bag even on working days in order to face my teaching audience! Don't expect me not to care. I do and I always will. It is me and always will be. So I do care about the opinions I got to digest the last 24h. But don't expect me to be thrilled about those words & just spit them out while brushing my teeth! Nah, I am working with the words you might have spit out on me or kindly have dropped on me. I AM VERY BUSY FOR THE MOMENT!! Bet you can not even tell, can you? I thaught so? Well my body does!!!


"The Walk"

You did not walk with me
Of late to the hill-top tree
By the gated ways,
As in earlier days;
You were weak and lame,
So you never came,
And I went alone, and I did not mind,
Not thinking of you as left behind.

I walked up there to-day
Just in the former way;
Surveyed around
The familiar ground
By myself again:
What difference, then?
Only that underlying sense
Of that look of a room on returning thence.

Thomas Hardy

P.S.: There is only one CD that my brother, my sister and I all three have: 'The Space Between Us' by Craig Armstrong. It was pure coincidence! We bought it all three seperately but around the same time! Seems that this for sure is music that our family can make us experience very deepgoing emotions and get under our skin.
Bet that most of you might have never heard of the guy. But without knowing you have for sure heard so many hidden lines in other music. Some very big names in the music industry call on him to translate very deep going emotions into music. Think U2, Massive Attack, Madonna, Petshop Boys and many more. And some world famous soundtracks have got his name on the cover. He can touch my musical heart in a very touching way. For the moment Craig is out there with me. If you wish to find out more about this very fascinating composor who has touched the S-kids their hearts go here: http://craigarmstrong.com/ A whole new world might open to you.

Spring Break Poetry

Break! So I took some deep breaths and I digged once more into my stack of books that is waiting out there to be digested by the restless reading soul. Today I picked out the poetry book 'Best-loved Poems', edited by Neil Philip with nice illustrations by Isabelle Brent. I got that book when I was out there in the UK, visiting Hampton Court. I wandered into a very nice gift shop and got this book for a fiver. Sometimes I need poetry to take a break, to take deep breaths and connect back with the world I walk on.

So, I started to browse through it and I came across some very nicely composed poems. Some are very famous and I do not consider fit enough to be copied once more by my hands. It are rather the ones that are less well known that I wish to share with others. In the first reading of a poem or text does a lot of fresh emotions are set free. I can have sometimes that ultimate bliss when I read a text or poem that just can't be repeated when I read it for a second time.

Especially when it are news articles or something I happen to come across in a newspaper that is lying around in a bus, metro or just out there while waiting at the doctor. It are then I come across the real short reading gems. Words that can go the distance that can haunt me for a long time to come. They can trigger a spot of the mind where my emotions are living. Most of the time it will take me by surprise.

I have about the same with music and especially with classical kind. When I heared Vivaldi or some pieces of Mozart for the very first time that it seemed that life came to complete stand still. It touches the soul and when I then get the opportunity to read poetry along I sometimes cut myself of reality. Chances are that I won't hear the phone or the delivery man standing in front of our door.

So for the moment I am completely cut of reality while I typing this because I am listening to well known piano concerto No. 21 (Andante) by Wolfgang Mozart. And I am reading some of those beloved poems. One is I think very fitting with the very sunny Sunday I experienced today. Spring is in the air. The signs are out and I felt it in my bones. Hope that some more of these days are about to come.

"Who knows if the moon's a balloon"

Who knows if the moon's
a balloon, coming out of a keen city
in the sky - filled with pretty people?
(and if you and I should

get into it, if they
should take me and take you into their balloon,
why then
we'd go higher with all the pretty people

than houses and steeples and clouds:
go sailing
away and away sailing into a keen
city which nobody's ever visited, where

always
it's
Spring)and everyone's
in love and flowers pick themselves

E.E. Cummings

P.S.: I imagine this piece of music being played at my mum's house while the french windows are standing open and outside the breathtaking garden was awakening from the long winter sleep. It is a piece of music that can still make me hold my breath and admire the freshly created first signs of Spring with great admiration.

Dancing Spirits

It is midterm break and A is already questioning my plans about the free time ahead of us. 'Mum, when are we going to granny's? What? I have to wait till Wednesday? Can't we go now? Or what about swimming? Can't we go swimming then instead?' He is for sure ready for 7 school free days. To be honest, I also need a mini-break. Because my 6th sense was kicking back in. What I consider rather a blessing then a curse. But Stallie hates it when she becomes the restless soul who hardly can think straight and seems to be less focused.

I can have those moments that I wish to just scream hard outloud and run. Keep on running and only come to a halt when my heartbeat tells me to and my breathing can't keep up with me. Yes, I even have been crying lately while driving to work. It might sound pathetic but that force is then so much stronger then me. Don't worry I don't lose it out there. No, that is something that I have pledged: 'Try as less as possible to let private emotions and feelings get in the way of your job description.'

Still, I am only human. So the moment I get into my car and hit the road I snap back into that restless mode. And even the up to beat songs of 'Glee' and the breathtaking beautifully performed songs of Sting don't seem to manage to get me back on track. Sorry to all the chauffeurs who have the honor to meet up with my less funny body language behind the steering wheel but you were also using my car to get a point across. 'Your car looks so vulnerable and mine is a monster! So I am just going to cut you off! Now!!!' You just couldn't know that this act for the moment even is stressing my personal state of mind.

Do I feel crushed or is something in the way? Uhm, I lately have been speeding things up a bit by trying to get back into the spirit I use to have when I was younger. Stallie felt ready to dip her toe back into the cold water and even thinking of going in the whole way. I was ready to go the distance something I had not dare for a very long time. I faced my fears and with my eyes wide open. I even was sitting out there in the front row! Not that it was easy but I did it. Do I regret it now? Nope, not a single sec. But it means that I now need to move on. No excuses anymore!

Moving on means that I need to take risk and perhaps face failure and dissapointment. Not my favorite human feelings. But hey, those dancing shoes are calling out to me. And along with them so many things that I can put into practice. The signs are not lying, even my body is telling me that it wants to go back and move back on to the barre and the movements I then can experience. It wants to be set free and express itself.

When I am running now up down a flight of stairs (I LOL now at every elevator and escalator I come across) I do feel so different. So much lighter (and for sure the weight lose is partly to thank for that!) and I then experience that I am not out of breath when I come to end of it. Even am tempted to run on and start to perform one of these dance routines out a musical or dance movie. My iPod Nano has made me already move my feet and body while being in public places. Think metro, car, post office line, class room, walking on the streets of the European capital and even while doing grocery shopping.

P asked me a few weeks ago what had changed. Why I suddenly seem to manage some things that he had tried to make clear to me but always came up with insane sounding (at least to him they must have!) excuses? After all this busy inhouse doc does care about my general well being and state of my mind. Sometimes he just seems not to have read very carefully the manual that comes along with me. 'This time I am doing this for myself! I realy want to do it and not because someone is telling me to do so!'

Not that I have not been cheered on the last few months. No, on that part I can call myself so blessed. When turning around and take a good look at what I have standing out there close by and far off then I can state for sure that I have got some real good friends and family. People that care and can activate me and are in some cases my conscience. I need them for many less but also for less obvious reasons.

And no, they not are always easy on me. Some of them can be questioning my choices and opinions. Can be very straight forward and just tell me very plainly what their point of view is. On top of that I have made the last three months 'new friends'. These friendships give me the opportunity to reflect and put things in a different (rightful?) perspective. Along with them I seem to also pay more attention to what now people tell me and the advice they try to give me.

Someone recently asked me what it feels like when I dance. This person was of course using one of the very well known lines from the inspiring movie 'Billy Elliot'. I just did not need to hesitate about the answer. But it had been for such a long time that I had expressed my feelings on that part. Because they go about so much more then just dancing. It is about feeling alive and at the same time knowing that life can hurt and cause pain. That happiness is fragile and that you need to be ready to face also the darker side of the human existence.

My mind is activated and I have been out there this week trying to give the dancing the rightfull place it deserves in my life. I am almost there! So, okay I am in a restless state of the mind and I am once more doubting certain situations and decisions. But now I seem to be able to do this more and more while my feet move along with back ground music. It might help me to make the difference!

So yesterday, I was out there on the dancefloor of the school's carnival party. I was dressed up as a doc (thanks P for the outfit!!) and when a colleague dipped me over I was ready to let go. But it seemed I was still holding back a bit. 'Hey Stallie, I won't let you fall', he then said. 'I know!' and I did not even care about the fact that my pupils were LOL. One day a year they are allowed to make fun of me without risking losing points. But what they were not aware of was my state of mind. And I am sure about that because I first checked if not any of them was dressed up as Edward Cullen. Just to be on the safe side out there!

P.S.: I wish to thank many people out there who have pushed me a bit the last few months. Some of you might have been aware of it, some less but all of you have for sure helped setting the dancing spirit of Stallie once more free. Very grateful for that.