I have been out for quite some time. And have tons of excuses to explain why not a single entry showed up. Mostly the weather is to blame. The last few weeks Belgium seems to be rather the South of France. I already have that light tan in my face that only shows up around June. Nice!
In a way the last few weeks were so busy that I just could not find the time to blog. Also there were the clichés popping up. Like the first of May that always makes me feel very fragile. For once I just fought back against the urge of diving into my keyboard and just went by the flow that day.
And other valuable excuse is that I am so much wrapped up in living that I just can not find the right words to express what I feel. I don't know if it makes sense but I for sure have mentioned before that there are moments that I can feel the rush of adrenaline racing through my veins. It is then like a red Ferrari is racing through my body and that I do feel so strong that I am even tempted to just beat any speed record. Do I make sense? Uhm, doubt it.
Not that I then behave like the pink Energizer Bunny. Nope. You might even find me more then ever in churches or other silent havens to take some time out and contemplate. Because in combination with the visits I pay to A his practice is there that I have found out the following facts about me, myself and I:
- I am one of these social animals that needs breaks and space.
- I am one of these people that goes to the movies on her own.
- I am one of these human beings who likes to wander around in a city all by herself and with only an iPod Nano as company.
- I am the one who you might meet up in a museum all by herself dreaming away in front of a painting.
- I am visiting churches in order to find out where that stronger divine force is hanging out there that I am after and lighten tons of candles.
- I am not afraid to go into a brasserie by myself and order a nice dessert and enjoy every single bite of it without any guilt.
- I am dancing away in the kitchen when nobody can see me. Unless my Scottish neighbour is out there with his binoculars.
- I am sometimes taking pictures of very strange objects and strangers because they catch my attention. So you better say cheese when I try to frame you with my camera.
- I am able to walk into bookshops and not buy a single book but still have smell a story.
- I am happy when other people are happy. This feeling can already be triggered by many things and people. You might be one of them!!!
I could go on for hours but I also have found out some gloomy facts about myself. This list is also long and distinguished. Trust me, I am not very proud of myself when they come to the surface. But hey, I am only human. The last few months I have been fighting back and trying to find the balance I am after.
People around have noticed for sure the difference. You can see it. No doubt about it. Yes, I have not only been dragging along weight in the litural sense but also n the one. Weight that I got rid of. It was the best feeling ever to walk into a shop to fit into a pair of jeans that you did think was out of reach or to fit back into those nice stylish pants that you wore when you were 10 years younger. I gave me a kick.
But there is more then just the outside of Stallie that is changing. Not that I am having planned a total inner make over of my inner self. Some things will never change. These are just me and part of my innerself. Because I have found that in a way I am the one who is calling the shots.
In the course of this process I also have found out that am surrounded by many people who care about me and give me lots of advice. I hope from the bottom of my heart that most of these people will keep on doing that. Because I need that as well to function well.
But still, I am the only one who can make it happen. Scary at times and I can tell you that the day that I decided to walk into the attic and search for that one box where my toeshoes and other ballet things were stored away I was shaking. That day I had to keep up a happy face when I found out that strangely enough all was gone.
Seems that there was once a Stallie that decided to throw away her toeshoes and ballet cloths. Strangely enough I can not even remember that act. It seems like it was erased from my mind. And yes, I did shed a few tears because of this. I just could not imagine that I had once functioned in that way. Like I had been a stranger.
Perhaps I had already made up my mind that ballet was the past because it was linked to feelings, emotions, events, a personality that I had considered the definite past. Well, was I wrong! And now I am facing shoppping with my sister for new dancing outfits and searching a ballet school where they let in an older lady with stiff muscles.
Where do I lately find the strength to face the consequences of this act and some other now foolish looking ones? Because some people have asked me the last few months what my secret recipe is, what do I do differently then before, and what I have done in order to find the inner strength to move on and face my destiny. Well, that is not easy to answer because it is a personal process. What works for me might not work for you.
I am tempted to call it 'Mindfullness' but I am trying to cook my own recipe instead of just following the onz that you can find in one of the many books or the workshops. But if I am allowed to give you perhaps some useful tips that might work for you then I gladly copy the list I read recently in a women's magazine. These are the 7 steps you have to follow according to a psycologist Brenda Shoshanna to get some rest into your busy and chaotic mind:
1. Have the courage to be the person you realy are. So don't imitate or fake your personality. In the long run the real one will catch up with you.
2. Embrace change. It might be a very conforting thaught that everything can stay and should stay the way it is. But the natural way of life is about change in many forms and
3. Be prepared for the unexpected. Fear can be your worst enemy and can paralysize you. The best way coping with this is living by the cliché mantra that:'Action speaks louder than words'!!
4. Be once in a way vulnerable. Pain and getting hurt are not the best feelings ever but they are part of the human existence. If you try to avoid you might even miss out on a few nicer life experiences.
5. Love is the answer! Change your point of view when dealing with this. It is very simple to give into self hatred or hate. But what you see in others can also been seen by others.
6. Try to be less in control of things. You might wish to be behind the steering wheel on this voyage but once you accept that this is not always possible the richer you will consider your life.
7. Stop comparing yourself with others. Yes, the grass is always greener at the other side. But you are at one side and you might be going to stay there for a while. So you better try to make the best out of it. Otherwise you might end up all by yourself.
I have found out the very hard way in the past that most of these things seem so easy but that before you know you walk into a trap. The harder you then start to kick or start to feel sorry for yourself the longer it will take to find the peace of mind you are after.
On the way to 'salavation' I also found that you need others in this process. You need people that have got faith in you, cheer you on, keep you focused, give you once in a while a shoulder to cry on, let you be the person you are without showing prejudice, stay honest with even when it hurts, make you laugh out loud, can be quiet together with you, question your acts and behaviour, and do so much more then you ever hoped for.
Before A was born P called him 'Back-upje' ('tiny backup'). One look in his eyes and one hug work like a magic potion. And when he today kissed me goodbye at the school gate, walked in all by himself I then saw him making eyecontact with the teacher and he then said very clear:'GOODMORNING'! The smile and the answer he got of this teacher made me even smile more. While I walked back to my car I did feel that he is already backup for many around him. So trust me like stated in the great movie 'About A Boy':'We all need back up!!!' In what ever shape and form it may come.
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