Living With Scrubs

So here we are: it is almost Christmas Eve and I am watching doctors series on television.  Yeah, I am guilty as charged.  Stallie watches everything that has scrubs in it and a surgeon or a guy with a nice smile who can fix major injuries in no time  That these series involve a lot of talking and not that much of real medicine is something that keeps surprising me.  Okay, the first copple of seasons of House MD I tend to call a winner and ER brought Doctor Carter and the eternal grey hair and gorgeous smile of George Clooney into my life. And I bet that there are few amongst you who even are hooked to Grey's Anatomy (a series that I consider not being that much a lesson of anatomy but rahter lessons of love) because of Dr Derek Shepherd, allias Dr. McDreamy.  Come on, admit it ladies (and perhaps even some men amongst you), you still fall for the guy in a white coat with a stethoscope around this neck.

Well the faithful readers amongst you know that my other significant one is somebody who does wear scrubs and yes he has got a stethoscope.  Even a very shiny one.   I already have written an entry about what it is like to be with someone who is doing this for real.   And nope, it is not like it is pictured in any of those series.  It is far from that.   I am even quite sure that P did not sign up for that kind of job because of those series. There is something else that made him decide for the world of medicine.

Now don't you think that we have deepgoing conversations about our jobs.  We hardly have time for that and since I signed now up for more hours that even is harder and harder.  There are even days that we only seem to meet up in the bathroom in front of our mirror and have talks while toothbrushes are planted in our mouths.  Then there are the evenings that he comes in just before the Cinderella hour (midnight) and that I have given into sleep.  Plus there are also the weeks that he is on call and that our lives don't include a lot of socializing.  And it is then that I end up waking him up in the middle of the night when he seems not to hear his phone ringing.  That is what the reality is like of being a partner of a doctor.

I feel lonely in the evenings and weekends are sometimes tough because I want him more at home then he can be.   Oh yes, I knew at the time what I signed up for but there are days that it just seems like we live rather seperate lives.   We both love our jobs and we both take them very seriously.   P&I are perhaps totaly different people.  In some ways we are even extreme opposites.  We don't agree on everything and there are days that we even tend to slam doors.  But we both have in common the drive to do our jobs with pride and also with a dash of perfection.  I am even tempted that P is a perfectionist in most of the things he does.  So I can totaly understand him when it comes down to doing a job and wanting to it as it should be done.

Now don't get me wrong when you start dating a doctor you find out quite soon that his/her profession will be in the way.  I have to admit that I did think that I would get used to it.  Well, was I wrong. I do run sometimes out of energy on Friday evenings and I then want him to be home with me sitting on the sofa. Sometimes I stare at the clock in our living room and wonder if they have forgotten all about time management in med school. DOCS ARE NEVER ON TIME WHEN THEY PROMISE THEY WILL BE ON TIME!  Sorry, I just could not resist!   I needed to get this out of my system.  Not that I want him to cook me four couse dinners or bring home red roses to thank me for the patience I show day in day out.  It is not that.  It is just him not being that much around that once in while makes it hard.

There are even days that when we drive by the private practice that I do get sometimes jealous and that I do wonder if his patients even wonder about us.   No, P has got no picture of me and A standing on his desk.  I don't see the use of that. The days that I pick up the phone and it is a resident, an A&E doc or a patient I do sometimes fire of internal curses.   Chances are very likely that I then loose him for an other half hour or even longer because that is when duty calls and that even at the homefront.  That is when it gets sometimes so tough and that I wonder what it will take to have one day without interruption.

And then there are the days that so many of us have seen in those popular series and that you are granted an insight into the mind of the doctor who faces lose and who shows to the world around him/her that he/she is not superhero and also has got off days.   P has got them and no he does not talk a lot about them.  Are you always the talkative kind after a rather less smooth going day at the office?  I am the one of the two of us who tends to give things a name.  But I also know that I then need to give him time and space to find back his peace of mind.

Stallie seems to have days that she has got the impression that she always has got to share her guy with medicine.  And on days that I ran out of juice I wonder what it will take to be granted priority.  Not that I expect him to choose A&me above responding to an emergency call. That would be unfair.  But can I please have a break once in a while and long for some normality?  After all I also need to be taken care of. I also need a check up once in a while.   Yes, it has crossed my mind more then once to drive over to the private practice and sit in the waiting room.  Believe me there are partners of docs who I know of having done this. But I resist.  It is then that I fight back and push myself just a bit further.

Yes, I do envy the couples that seem to have very straight forward working shedules.   When I stand in line at the supermarket I just wish that he would be there with me instead of having to do this all by myself.  It pops up in my mind when I run from A to B and hope that after I got to C that there will still be time enough to make it to D to finish all the chores on a very busy Saturday when the roads are packed.  Or when P does ask me to do something specific for him that does cost time. Precious time, time that I would rather do this with him and not having to deal with it on my own. Even standing in line at the bakery, where I can't resist counting how many husbands pick up croissants and baguettes for their wives&children, I then consider hard. Buying bread I call a romantic act.  Yeah, call me pathetic.  Team Peeta right here!!! (I am afraid that this last one only can be understood by people who have read 'The Hungergames'.)

Oh I know, I have got A with me and he has no already figured out by himself that his dad is not always that much available as he wishes for.  The evenings that P shows up before his bed time and we can have a quiet dinner without being too many times being interupted by a ringing phone we consider a blessing. Sunday mornings are basically the only morning that we get to spend quality time.   It is the only morning in the week that I do feel like we are a 'normal' family.  It is then that I get to enjoy P his company and that he will prepare me the perfect cup of George Clooney coffee.  It is then the best of both worlds come together: the fiction and the reality.

Stallie is enjoying her Christmas break but can not wait for P to come home tomorow night.  Because then his break starts as well. One that he also longs for. He has deserved it.  A&I will for sure enjoy the quality time we are granted with the inhouse doc.  And who knows my mother might have some misletoe hanging out for us to hang out under! :-) So let me wish all the docs (fictional&not fictional) a very nice Christmas eve!   And to all those docs who have been signed up for being on call:I wish you a silent night!!!

PS: P&I both consider 'The Green Wing' a lovely and funny doctors series.  We both still can LOL when watching it.  The song by Selah Sue (made in Belgium) we also both consider a very nice song and yes 'I am alone without you' that is what it feels like when P is again one more time late!  The one by Billy Joel does not need any extra explanation.  It is a song that defines me. It is song that tell you all why I stick with the guy I fell for...

I Love My Job!

It is the holiday season and for the moment I am even germ free. I did battle a serious cold just about a week ago and this might mean that for once I will not have a germ filled up holiday season.  One that I have been longing for.  The last few weeks seemed to be just going and going on.  Since September my work load has changed.  Stallie is almost back full time in a school and she did expect not a very easy comeback after being years a person who had cut down on hours for numerous reasons.

The thing is that I do love my job and that loves goes the distance.  There are days that I even love the whole damn bit about it. Even all the things that sometimes make go in overdrive.  Just to give you bit of an idea what can not even make me change my mind about my job:

-A coffee machine that will not work because it ran out of coffee: can be lethal in my case because this teacher needs a caffeine shot before facing the troops.
-A photo copy machine that refuses to work or just runs out of paper when you have just a split second left before show time.
-A hole puncher or stapler who falls apart when preparing worksheets for students and that you know you will get comments about it not being the case.
-A marker that refuses to work when you want to come up with a great board sheme to explain the conjugation of the verb 'zijn' and have 25 student in front of you sitting and you would rather throw that maker all over the place but have to keep in check and then try to explain it without the board.
-A computer who has got a black screen in one room and then refuses to synch with the projector in the other room and then totaly seems to let you down when not charging in the docking station of your office.
-A hard disk that refuses to save your oral exam while in front of you a student is sitting and you start to sweat and your cheeks look even more red then blush I carry along in my hand bag.
-A lunch line that is not moving fast enough to your liking because you have a duty and first want to have a nice hot lunch before facing the cold, rainy & windy weather.
-A cash machine that refuses to 'eat' my 20 euro bill what means that I will go without lunch and the people amongst you who know me personally know what effect that has on me.  No food in my system might mean a teacher who goes easily in overdrive.
-A overhead projector who seems to have a total off day when you have planned a lesson involving the use of it. You then stare at a black screen and I wonder what you have done in order to deserve this.
-A student who expresses its dislike for your subject and you would rather love to hang out on a Hawaian beach with a fruity cocktail and covered under sun screen but instead try to make this student see that knowing an additional language will make him/her a more interesting person.
-A car park that is full and you are forced to park a 5 minute walk from your work due to the fact that they are adding something to our campus that will surely add to  my educational hot spot some sportive atmosphere.  My shoes relfect what my walks are like but I try to picture myself in less then 2 years diving into the water of that spot and that makes up for all the dirt and stains that I now drag along.
-A power cut who turns your usually nicely cozzy and friendly work spot into a dark and rather less warm place to hang out.   (But I have to admit that one day at work without the interference of a mailbox was a positive side effect of something negative!)
- A wasp that decided that the Dutch office was the best spot to hang out.  Yes, the secret vault containing sweet delights makes it a very nice place to be in but Stallie in combo with this insect is not such a winning combination.  Nope,it not got out alive and my paper work is proof of what happened to them.  
-An umbrella who refuses to cooperate when you need to walk to your car after school and by the time you get there your not so waterproof office bag and your hair look like they could use a full make over.  And then have I not mentioned the paperwork inside of the bag that feels rather like it just went for a swim!  
-A voice that decides to take some time off in the beginning and you rather sound like a character out of 'Alvin&the Chipmunks'. I then consider myself not the most efficient teacher ever because if one of your most valuable teaching tools fails then you would rather run to your GP to ask for a few days off. But I am a diehard and then you decide that you will make it work whatever is heading your way. Hey, a few germs don't keep me away from doing what I love doing but it just won't get done as smoothly.

I could go on but I assume that you all get the picture and that I am just very happy when it comes down to my job.  Okay, I am very happy that I can now can have bit a longer sleep and not having to react to my alarm clock that starts to produce noise at an hour you rather wish to hide under the duvet and have nice dreams about beaches or pool bars.  My body and mind were already for a few weeks telling me that they needed some time to recharge.    So now they have arrived the holidays and I am very happy to enjoy some time that I am nobody's teacher but you can rest assured that when 2015 is a fact that I will be back, refreshed and ready to kick some *** in and beyond my class room!  And to all the bad moments or days that are heading my way... I don't easily give up when it comes down when it involves education&love.

PS: Song 1 is very straight forward and song 2 I have chosen because A loves Alvin and when I was battling my cold and tried to produce some sound it did sound a bit similar to these three amigos. 

Taking Deep Breaths in The City

It is half term and Stallie is cathing her breath.   The first two months of the school year are the defenite past and once more I can state:'I love my job!'  Nope, not everything stayed spotless and this included my office that isn't my office anymore due to change of plans and change of work environment all across campus. So right before dragging myself to my cool car with 4&4 traction, that will come in handy in the months to come, I filled up moving boxes with the content of my desk and cupboards.  I will miss that spot where my first work memories at my cool educational workspot were created. LOL, tears, smiles, mysterious giggles, eventful encounters with students, staff and parents, hugs, pats on the shoulders and many more meaningful moments I passed there. That I will have to move now out of the basement makes me feel happy but in a way does not because I am a Capricorn and those can not always deal with change without looking back over their shoulders.  It is about letting go and lookig forward. Something I do not master that quite well...yet.

Still I managed to fill up boxes in less then 5 hours and let the new 'inhabitants' move in with their drumsticks and other accessories to create some unforgetable sound memories inside of those four walls.  The only way now is up and so Stallie does look forward to a new office and people as part of her work routine.  It will take some time to get used to but in the end it will be fine and around Christmas I will be settled in for sure.

To patch up things mentally I am spoiling myself a bit and try to enjoy half term break imensely.  Dreaming away in front of a painting by Piedro Lorenzetti or Andrea Vanni at the 'Siena' exhibition at Bozar, getting chocolate at Marcolini and marshmellows at Elizabeth, selecting Mozart music at the specialist music store 'la boîte à musique', wandering around in Brussels and burning a candle at my favorite church at the Sablon, giving into the call of the sweet La Durée macarons and filling up a carton box with biscuits made by Dandoy and before jumping back on the metro picking up a latte macchiato with extra caramel to spice up my sweet Sunday. All of this is resetting my mind and finding back my zen mode.   Brussels is sometimes the best medicine to find back what I might have lost track of.  That city has got a very strong effect at me and I fell unexpectedly in love with it.   The love is now unconditionally and before that city will ever let me down it will have to create total havoc.

These sweet city trips also do include rides on the metro and this means that I will then fire up my iPod and take along a good read to keep me company during these solo tours all over my capital.  Nope, Stallie then does not need a guidebook or some extra company to find her way around.  The moment I dive into the metro I go with the flow and let Brussels decide where to take me.  It is at those times that I do meet up with many people who only will visit my capital once in their life time.  They stand out while I try to blend in with a spot that will only bit(e) by bit(e) give away her best kept secrets. It is a complicated city to get your head around because the first impressions of this place are so wrong.  On top of it all does the majority of people of this nation do not have a very intimate relationship with it.   After all, let us face it, it is not London, Paris, Berlin, Amsterdam or NYC.  It is rather a city where nothing is what it seems and you sometimes need to take a step back and dare to walk off the trail to find what you are longing for.  But the river that flows through Brussels is a deep one that once you dare to dip into it will take you to places that you will wish to revisit and I am not only talking 'chocolate' here.   It goes beyond...

It is the place where I can sit down on a bench and let the world exactly do what I need to do and that is letting life go by and putting it back in the right and mental healthy perspective.  I then zoom in and out whenever I wish to do so and suddenly find beauty and love all around.   It is a very strong sensation that I for a while did not expect to find back.  I have seen it at work in so many places but  when I do stand in the middle of Grand Place my blood starts to race through my veins and when I then walk into 'La Galerie de la reine' I manage to pick up my paste and I wonder if I already blend in with the scenery.

Yes, I then take long breaks and if the sunshine is out I will be sitting outside with a panini or something else savory to nibble on while observing the life rushing by and picking up and absorbing the positive city vibes and then I start to read and fully relax. This last Sunday I finished up a book by Paulo Coelho. Now before you even think that I am a big fan of his and that I am true believer in all what he preaches or tries to let his readers audience reflect about: I am not.

Before picking up 'Aleph' at the national airport and did board for Manchester I had only read 'Veronika Decides to Die. I have to say that this read did impress me and I am even tempted to say that anyone who works with mental patients should read it.  It is an eye opener and it will give you a very good insight what the mind can cause.  These 300 pages are a bit different because Coelho allows you to travel along with him and this up, close and personal.  I do not have any intentions to get more into it but there is one paragraph that I realy wish to share with you because these are the words that experss so well what I feel when I am in love with life and with people but because I hardly ever find the fitting words to express that intense sensation that I wish to borrow the ones of Paulo Coelho:

"I love you,' I tell her, 'I love you because all the loves in the world are like different rivers flowing into the same lake, where they meet and are transformed into a single love that becomes rain and blesses the earth.  I love you like a river that creates the right conditions for trees and bushes and flowers to flourish along its banks.  I love you like a river that gives water to the thirsty and takes people where they want to go.  I love you like a river which understands that it must learn to flow differently over waterfalls and to rest into the shallows.  I love you because we are all born in the same place, at the same source, which keeps us provided with a constant supply of water.  And so, when we feel weak, all we have to do is wait a little.  The spring returns, the winter snows melt and fill us with new energy.  I love you like a river that begins as a solitary trickle in the mountains and gradually grows and joins other rivers until, after a certain point, it can flow around any obstacle in order to get where it wants. I receive your love and I give you mine.  Not the love of a man for a woman, not the love of a father for a child, not the love of God for his creatures, but a love with no name and no explanation, like a river that cannot explain why it follows a particular course, but simply flows onwards.  A love that asks for nothing and gives nothing in return; it is simply there.  I will never be yours and you will never be mine; nevertheless; I can honestly say: I love you, I love you, I love you."  

And while I am going to dive into one more La Durée Macarons I am going to leave you and try to digest these words.   Do not try to hard to let them make sense because you might miss out many precious moments that your river passes by and gives you that extra sip of water you need.

PS: Like stated before I am not easy to define when it comes down to music.  I love many kinds and I can totaly fall in love with music that others just detest.   This one is one of these songs that I love when playing on my iPod and travel on the subway and walk around in Brussels and 'faire a nouveau connaissance' with that one city that has already given me so much and has never expected much in return.  And number two is music by a local voice who is so good at expressing many sensations that I feel while I am getting lost in Brussels and then suddenly find what I desperately am after in order to function.  Lara Fabian and Brussels will always go together because when I moved into the capital I did also fall in love with her voice. 

Extra Credit

Oh what a lovely idea I did hear this morning while I was brushing my teeth:'Let teachers teach one to two hours extra a week for the same pay check.' Yeah!!!   Well that just made my day, ladies and gentlemen.  It only got more interesting when my other significant one said:'Yeah, why not? It is just one more lesson. That is not much.'  And then I wanted to actually spit out my toothpaste and starting to use rather foul language.

Now before I go on I need to get something straight so that you know what Stallie does think about all the fuss that is going on in the political arena of my beloved nation.  I am fully aware that we all need, and do not worry all of us will, to cut down&downsize.  Our government tries to find money but only comes across debts. So we first need to get rid of the debt before we can invest again and start spending again. Makes sense. 

I do agree that if we want safeguard our public health care system, still have the hope to retire at an agreeable age and then have a pension (I am already not counting on that one anymore but still let us stay positive) and make sure that when a person is in real need he or she does find financial support we need to stay a financially healthy nation to live in. Stallie thinks all of this is vital enough to have some major budget cuts.   The problem is that some of these new budgetary plans do not make sense and this educational one is a budget cut in disguise and it worries me....

Now don't think it is because I am a teacher myself that I do not applaud loudly.  Ladies and gentlemen, I have never ever counted my hours that I did put into my job.  First of all I am happy to have a job and it is one I was after since my childhood.  Teaching makes me very happy. It feels like a second skin and without a classroom filled up with children I can not function at my best.   Passionate I am stil about what I do and I don't care how long I will need to work before I gain my pension status.  It does not matter to me. I do hope to keep that mental status for a very long time.

The people who know me personal know that my educational hotspot is not the average school. It is totaly different then most of the schools that you will know.  Yes, it is a private school and yes it is blessed when it comes to being financial healthy and it does offers its students and staff resources that will make your head spin if you ever get to visit.  It is heaven.  No, I am not overreacting.  To me it is one of those places where you as a teacher won't find a single excuse not to be the best teacher you possible can be.  To be honest this place is what most schools should feel&look like. It buzzes with energy and it sends out very positive learning vibes.   

Now, don't get me wrong.  Globally the outside of a school does not tell you a lot of what goes on in there.  Chances are very likely that you yourself have been going to a school that needed some major improvements.  I have myself taught in a school where the principal told parents that if they would choose this school they shouldn't look at the building but have faith in the people that work in that building.  In Belgium most public schools, and I am tempted to say that this all across the world  a fact, manage to do more with less.

Believe me, I have been part of a team that for a time had to do more with even less because we were dreaming of a new school building. We managed!!! I am still proud of that achievement. Most of all I am still impressed with my former colleagues. No, it was not a stroll through the parc. There were moments that I did wonder if this was not a bridge too far.  In my head I wondered if it was worth to invest myself in my classroom or teaching like buying my own paper for students when chances were likely that the budget was about to run out.  And I did make students write more once or twice a week instead of running to the photocopy machine.   Also I did not mind having to work extra hours to find extra funding for my school. I planted my hands more then once into the ground to cut weeds and I have done millions of dishes.  It was worth it.  If I would still work there then I would still gladly put my name up on lists to make my work place a better place.  After all more money means a 'better' school for my students.  Or should I say the school then can offer the learning opportunities that students deserve. 

Because according to me should  the core business of a teacher be:' caring about students their education'. Teachers are the 'life- coaches who have been given the task to stimulate, observe, motivate, nurture, research, evaluate, encourage youngsters and let them find out what they are good at. It is inside of a school that children find out what living is all about. The spot where dreams meet up with reality.  Sometimes it might not be the most colorful and well equipped place we all dream of.    So we then need teachers in order to preserve the world and be sure that the generations to come can function at their full potential.

So you might think that an extra hour will then do miracles. Yeah, keep on dreaming ladies and gentlemen. If it would work like that what is then your excuse not to work an hour longer? Sorry, if I now hurt sombody's feelings.  Every single one of us is after a happy, balanced and healthy life.  Not straightforward in the 21st century a time where I do think there are no guarantees anymore. Let us be honest, the world we live in is so much more complicated and at times you might even wonder what it has come to.   The youth journal can not even stay away from issues like conflict, war, destruction, uproar,..... I did try to find this week one episode without any of those ingredients and I failed...

That one extra hour might be that one extra morgage we won't be able to carry. It won't have the effect we are after.  It won't life up to its expectations. Because you know what? A teacher their timetable is a minefield. It harldy tells you what they really do.  It only tells you the hours they are inside a classroom and if you want to survive inside of that room you need to put in many more hours.

Now, don't start me about all those teachers you know who do or did seem to have such an easy time and only do or did teach out of a ready made course book.   I also know some of them.  But this is just a minority and to be honest it are those that will never have the honor to make a difference in a life of a student. They only will be remembered for the reason that they did seem only be there to do their expected time and get the job done. 

The issue is not that teachers will need digest a budget cut.  They will already do this at so many levels before they even enter a classroom.  And then the government seems to have forgotten that they have them signed up already for the ultimate challenge of a lifetime:offering every single child with or without special needs top education.  They will have to put in extra hours to make the dream come true of every single child that will walk into their classroom.  Their workspot will be a more challenging environment then most of us work in.  Yeah, believe me some of you do not have a clue what challenges teachers are up against.

Belgian schools and also universities are already asked to be prepared to become more professional challenged and bring extra sacrifices in the years to come. Still, I have not come across any effective plans to guarantuee that they will be offered the backup, the help, funding, training, solutions, extra staff (!!!) and most of all extra time to make it work for our children, the future generations who will have to do it with less, in harsher financial economical circumstances in a world that makes less sense.   I don't think that one to two hours will do that trick because:

I want a teacher inside of that classroom who does have the time to get to know every single child she/he teaches up,close and personal and believe me they also do that outside of their teaching hours.  I want a teacher who teaches my child about the real challenges it will face in the future or teaches them skills in order to think outside of the box, gives them space and time to get it first a few times wrong before getting it right, I want a teacher who has the courage to stand up for every single soul inside of her/his room and knows by heart what their strengths are and is able to put their weaknesses into the right perspective, I want a teacher who can get my child to listen to stories that sometimes are left untold because they are misunderstood but need to be taken serious because they might be hiding that one missing link to get to a solution, I want a teacher who still is aware how the brain of a child functions and that it is needs more then just math and spelling,.....basically I want a super teacher.... I don't ask for much, do I?

I guess it is time to grant teachers some extra credit... They already invest so much into the lives of many but never ask for extra credit....

PS:The music going along with this one might not make any sense but the people who know the books and the movies 'The Hunger Games" know what these books have meant to me while I have been teaching my last year in my special school. I found out thanks to this book that if you push children to a higher level that what remains is so much worth then I ever could imagine. The moment your students catch fire and you hope that you are near by to witness the effect it has.  It is one of my best teaching experiences I ever had in my teaching career. 

Best (wo)Man

My brother J is going to get married!!!!!
Yes, he is!!! It might not be ground breaking news while Ebola is still not under control, Gaza is still not peaceful, IS seems to think that they are the only rightful believers who should rule the land they live on and Russia now will boycot Belgian pears and pork... I know there are major upsetting events going on this Summer but still this personal family event is a rather a big deal.  Most of you might not even be aware of the fact that they I do have a brother because I don't have the tendency to write about my family in depth. That is not why I created this writing space for.  On top of that I tend to keep things rather private that go on in my family.  It is something that I promised myself when I started out here.

Now that one of my siblings gets married I decided to loosen up a bit the privacy clausule. Or at least for this one time. After all, this is rather big event in my family.  Yes, he is the first to be married of the three of us.  No, none of us are still in our twenties.  And for your own information none of us is still not in a long term relationship. All three of us take love and relationships very serious.


Before I go on about my brother I need to tell you about my parents because it is essential in this whole story.  My dad loved my mother.... my mother loved my dad... they loved eachother... they did that unconditionaly.....they did show commitment day in day out.... I have seen it and I might have taken it for granted. What I witnessed as a child many us might have seen or still see just all around us.  Cliché words like:'Love is all around', might now pop up.  Not that my parents did hold hands constantly and that they did have long beach walks (at least not when we were around) but what they had worked and it stood the test of time.  When my dad unexpectedly (at least to us not to him) died of cancer I am 100% sure, no make that 200%, that they loved each other till death till tore them apart.


The most painful moment that I got to witness at the time was when my mother took of the wedding band of my dad his hand.  I will never forget that moment because it broke my heart.    And at the same time I had the greatest respect for my mother at that exact moment. In the last 3 weeks that my dad had been around she had shown that she loved my dad.  Yes, she has told me a few very touching stories about the talks she had with my dad around that time. Stories that I won't share with you because they go to the core of my heart.  I wish to keep those private and at the same time I cherish them because they are the proof that till the very end my parents loved each other.   The people who know us personal surely know what I mean and most of you might now think of your own parents, family members or perhaps even yourselves.

My father died before any of his children said 'I do' and I am even tempted to say that his death 'complicated' or should I say 'put things in a different perspective' concerning getting married. It did seem that the three of us had not the urge to get married anymore.  The 'subject' did seem to be of less importance. So before we knew we all 3 moved out, found a partner,  moved in together, searched a 'real' house with a garden, did some of us moved for a while abroad, changed jobs, travelled the world, made careers and we started to found our own families and are very commited aunties and uncle.  Of course we still make 'mistakes' or do sometimes feel lost.  The thing is that all the three of us seem to have found that one person we wish to have a long term relationship with.

When my brother called me in January to tell me he was going to get married I was so happy.  The 'You will need to get a new outfit in 2014.'- comment any fashionata loves of course but that is not the most important reason why this sister was so intensely happy.  It is a feeling that goes deeper. I do know now some facts about love that I did not know a decade ago.  These things matter in my daily life. I have made my mind up over decade ago and I stick to my guns on that part.  And no, my brother, sister and I are all three unique people and so this means that we not all the three of us have the same opinions and ideas about life, love and relationships. Praise the lord for that!  What made him change his mind to suddenly propose on a cold day in December I will never know but what I do know that something made him decide to do so.  Yes, there are people who question why people get married when they are older. You even have people who say that they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Well, honestly, who am I do question any of you?    

I can only write about what I know and most of you I will never meet in my life and what you think about relationships and commitment can differ greatly about what I do think about it.  The discussions I have with friends, strangers in dark bars (yeah right, keep on dreaming I never go there but I would love to have a conversation with Don Draper in a gloomy bar about this subject, my Mad Men fantasy just kicked in), my mother, co-workers  and many more individuals I come across in my life I love having but it does surprise me sometimes how we di perceive love and relationships in general in 21st century.  No, I am not going to judge any of you. That is the last thing on my mind and I do have all the respect for what you think and feel about your relationship or what you consider important in long term relationship.

The thing is that I am 200% sure that if my dad would be still alive that he would be having a great time.  He would look into the eyes of my brother and his body language would tell so much.  My dad wouldn't need any words to express what his opion was about this decision his son had made. After all he had expressed that already numerous times by how he treated my mother and in many discussions he had expressed what he did think about this subject.  He would have loved it including the fuss about the table setting and I would have loved to have seen fitting a new suit for this special moment. 

I am also sure that our father would one night have walked into his office, closed the door, lit a cigarette and then switched on his computer to write that table speech that he was supposed to give on such a happy occasion.  That speech he might already have written inside of his mind. There were many signs that he was so ready for this part of that unique day.  The fact is that he won't be there and that none of us three will ever know or hear that speech. 

That my brother then asked me to be his 'best man' touched me. It even surprised me and for a few days I even felt a bit 'strange'.  I have been maid of honor and I did take that very serious.  But this different and goes very deep. No, I won't be able to tell you why this means so much to me. It goes beyond any blog entry I ever have written.  It is going to be one of the most special moments that I get to share with my family. Yes, there will be tears of joy and also some tears that express the longing for our dad to be there with us to celebrate life and love and the longing for something that is worth to fight for day in day out.  And yes, I will need to write a speech... Not an easy job. The speech that my dad would have written surely would have been totaly different and of course 'better' because none of us will be able to replace him.  That is mission impossible. On top of that I am also glad that my colleague best man Y (brother of the bride) will also have a great speech prepared in case mine is totaly out of tune.  It is always nice to have some back up even on that part. Although I am quite sure that his speech will be surely a hit!

The thing is that our dad will be looking over my shoulder when I will be writing my speech. He will be there and he will be hiding in some words and lines.  He has taught the three of us some essential things about love and life that I am sure that we all three know by heart . Things that I am very sure about that make the difference in how we tackle many things.   I can't write that speech without him.  I am indebed to him to at least mention him outloud that day.  My brother deserves that speech and I can't give it to him.   But the one I am going to give him and his family is the one I will have written with all the love I have in my heart....

So congrats to my brother J, his wife to be A and their lovely children D, A and E on their wedding day.   Congrats on embracing together something that you all five cherish and gives your lives a deeper dimension worth to fight for.... I love you....

PS.: Oh and needless to say that my mother has already given me enough great wedding preperation memories that I will never forget. On top of that I also wish to point out that it is my mother who up till today will never forget to express what my dad did think or feel about love.  She can do that without words but she has also done it with words, sincere words and also many actions.  I can't wait to see her in action during those wedding moments.

PS.2: My sis, brother and I are three unique individuals who all three have their own character, tastes and style. Also music wise we all three differ a great deal. There is only one CD that the three own. 'The Space Between Us' by Craig Armstrong.  We did not knew of each other that we all three bought it.   The music I picked out to go along with this entry tells me that we three also have things in common. We did inherit a lot of things of our parents. Some things are very obvious and some you will only find out if you take a very close look at the three of us or take the time to get to know us.

Beyond Repair

There is the bad news.
I still try to put my mind at ease that there is still hope lurking around the corner;
There are acts of violence that are crying out for revenge.
I still try to find the power to choose compassion and forgiveness.
There are tears, anger, loss, fear, ...
I still make my heart fill up with strength.
There are moments that the world does not make sense at all.
I still try to understand both sides to any story.
There is silence when there should be ear deafening outcries of injustice.
I still put my faith in the hands of politicians and diplomats who do have the power that I seem to lack.
There are useless acts of violence that destroy dreams, hopes and so much more.
I still try to help out where I can even when it might be like a water drop on a hot plate.
There are those days that you wonder where the world has come to.
I still grant many the benefit of the doubt.
There is that one image that burns on your retina that screams war, terrorism and violence.
I still will try to offer words of comfort.
There is a lot of pointing fingers and choosing sides.
I still try to be Switzerland even if this means forsaking my principles in the hope many will benefit all.
There is a lot of famine and people who have to get through a day without water.
I still hand over the homeless people something extra in the hope that he/she will be able to fill his/her stomach.
There is the uppercut of weapons that cause destruction beyond repair.
I still hope that my act of unconditional kindness can make the difference.
There are many that tell that something can not be changed.
I still try to find that one spark of firework that can give someone wings
There is pollution in many forms and shapes that makes our blue planet a less health spot to take deep breaths on.
I still keep recycling and picking up that empty can that someone else has 'forgotten' to throw in a bin.
There are outbreaks of virusses and illnesses that claim major loss and call for an immidiate cure.
I still support big but also small charities so that one day in a lab a gigantic break through might take place.
There are many ways that creativity and culture is misunderstood and are not given the space it deserves.
I still try to live with a very open mind and give anybody the chance he/she deserves.
There are many words said that cause hardship, pain, distress and misunderstanding.
I still try to speak up and stand up when I feel there is unjustice taking place.
There is the moment that lines are crossed and innocent lives end up in turmoil.
I still try to focus on what could be the way out of any conflict and help others to follow my path.
There is a permanent state of despair, destruction, terrorism and conflict.
I still whisper words of peace in many languages even in the darkest hours of the night.

BUT

There is that moment once in a while that the world is beyond repair.
I still.....

PS: Sting performed this the evening after what happened in NYC on 9/11.  I guess that he refuses to loose his faith no matter what.  Something that I consider the ultimate challenge in the 21st century.

Messi the Redeemer

It is over!!!  The biggest football show on earth is over and out. The decisive goal has been scored and the cup has been handed over to his rightful owners.  The winners happy,  the audience happy, the fans happy, the coach happy, the winning nation happy and FIFA happy, we are all happy.... Oh no wait there is surely one person who is not happy and he did openly show what he felt like yesterday. And he did show that to even a biljoen of people what he felt like.  Messi wasn't (and I doubt that he is already in a different state of mind) happy when he saw those Germans jumping up and down, tears of joy running down their cheeks, hugging their girlfriends, wives or children, getting a pat on the shoulder of their coach.... Messi was dying out there on the mythical grass of Maracana.

It was so clearly to see what the number 10 was going through. One look and you just saw that the phenomenal football player felt out of place. The whole team of Argentina must have felt the same and I guess if they woudl have given the choice that they would have rather made a run for the showers and take the first plane out of Brazil instead of having to hang around for the honors.  You don't wish to be there and having to face the glory of your opponent.  It seems almost like torture.  Body language after a victory can tell so much more then words and Messi his communication wasn't hard to decode.

Now, I am not a fan of Messi. Sorry boys, I am free to make up my own mind about who I consider a a great football player.  Still, Messi is a genius football player and that won't change even after yesterday's game. The thing is that all of this happened during that one game that was going to make him immortal.  And that perhaps makes it even worse for him to deal with it.  Many envy him and it are not just fans who consider him a child of the Gods. He has got it all: the technique, the passion, the drive, the inteligence, the talent, the speed, the panache.... Messi is unique and there is no doubt about it...  Most football players who were active over the last 4 weeks in Brazil seem to compare themselves with that Argentinian.   Many show great respect to him. Most teams even have to put their whole defense on that 169 cm tall player.  He is decisive and all it takes is leaving a tiny hole in your defense and suddenly he is there and he creates your biggest nightmare ever. No mercy and no compassion.   Messi can score or assist  when nobody has even thaught about it. He is the devil in disguise but also the redeemer.  

The thing is that yesterday I wondered what was going on in his head while he stood there overlooking the battlefield?  If he is ever going to write an autobiography then I will even sign up for pre-order it because I want to find out what Lionel was thinking while the world honored Germany.  That the guy obvious did not care about that other award he was given (many even thaught that is seemed that FIFA wanted him not to go home emtyhanded) was not hard to see.  Star goallie Neuer even seemed to feel a bit out of place when he saw Messi standing around and clearly showing dissapointment.

Messi has told the world that he did think Argentina did deserve to win that cup.  He did express his feelings about what he thinks about being awarded the Golden Bal.   The Flea told the world that he feels defeated. DEFEAT and MESSI!!!  Two words that surely not rhyme in one sentence.   This football player seems not equipped for loosing.  He is a winner and the world has granted him the biggest stage in the world to show off his qualities: a football field.  Last friday I did ran into him  while grocery shopping and the bag of crisps with salsa taste with his face printed on it I gladly devoured while seeing the Germans scoring 7 goals against the home nation. He is everywhere and very hard to ignore when it comes down to winning. We all want to have a piece of Messi. We want to share the joy, the happiness, the profit and the victory..... There is only one thing that we might have forgotten that we all have to master as well and that is defeat and this includes Messi.

Yesterday Messi met up with the less fun part of the game he plays so masterly.  Many have lost a game in the last four weeks. Many brothers in arms out there who will gladly share his feeling.  Not hard.  But there is something that makes Messi even different in defeat.  He suffers in a very profound way that touches many.  Like he is tortured. He suddenly realises that he missed a chance of life time and that he tonight was perhaps not the chosen one.  One look at Götze must have told him what he might have tried to push out of his minds for years that is that all it takes is a split second and a tiny hole in the defense.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

Last night Lionel Messi in Rio found out that loosing big is part of life and that you don't get to choose your defeats.  I was dissapointed in Messi and this because yesterday he did miss his chance to show me that he can be humble in defeat. But then it wasn't fair on him that the millions of cameras only zoomed into him.  I mean you win and loose as a team in this game. Especially at this stage of the tournement.  Well, yesterday the world even put Messi under a microscope to dissect him when he had to walk up those stairs to shake the hands of Sepp Blatter and co.  It felt wrong, it felt out of tune and no it wasn't something that was orchesterated by FIFA. 

Perhaps it was the perfect stage, I am even tempted to say that Shakespeare would have enjoyed this setting tremendously, to see how the greatest football player of a generation would pull this one off.   In the shadow of the statue of Cristo Redentor Messi had to face his greatest challenge ever: being defeated at the brink of writing history. Messi had signed up for an appointment with the history books. He was dressed the part (golden number 10) and he had done his share of the running (Messi rather takes strolls over the field but he does it with style and then he takes off with the speed of a rocket, I call that 'Messi'-running), assists, goals... Messi was ready...  But so was Götze. Ask Löw, the coach who ressembles a Lego-figurine, who had whispered into the ears of his wonder boy with the shirt number 19:'OK, show the world you are better than Messi and can decide the World Cup.' Words can give you wings.  So a 22 year old midfielder of Bayern München has shown Messi that anyone at anytime can have his moment of glory.  Even if this means that he is going to rain on your parade. 

So, Lionel Andrés Messi Cuccittini you did yesterday make very cleary what you did think about not meeting up with destiny.  That was very obvious to see and to feel.   Because if you manage to stand still when they play 'Happy' by Pharell Williams then you surely need a hug.  Just do me one big favor hold up your head and shoulders (and I am not only talking about that shampoo you promote) high in the weeks to come.  You are still Messi and you will mess around with many to come but yesterday many must have thaught:'Gott sei Dank for Götze!  Messi is human after all!'    

 

Tous Ensemble!? Iedereen samen!?

 
*geschreven ongeveer 48 uur nadat de Rode Duivels niet meer actief in Brazilië waren*

Ik heb tot nu toe nooit een woord Nederlands geblogd. Waarom?  Tot op heden heb ik nooit de drang gevoeld om ook dat wat er in mijn hoofd zich afspeelt ook in mijn moedertaal neer te laten dalen op een toetsenbord.  Maar de afgelopen 48 uur heeft er iets plaatsgevonden in mijn brein dat ik enkel en alleen kan en wens in het Nederlands weer te geven.

Stallie reed gisteren naar Limburg.  Voor de meeste onder u, zeker die Stallie persoonlijk kennen, is dit op het eerste zicht niets bijzonder.  Gewoon een autorit van O naar B waar ik nog eens met mijn moeder en mijn zus zou worden herenigd. Twee mensen waar ik vurig van hou, waar mij hart sneller voor klopt, mensen die ik het beste toewens,  twee zielen die mijn leven meer kleur geven,  twee vrouwen die sterker zijn dan ik ooit had gedacht, twee wezens die hun talenten delen met velen....kortom ik was onderweg naar huis om herenigd te worden met twee mensen waar ik heel vurig fan van ben.  Omwille van het zoveelste weekendongeluk werd ik wel gedwongen een alternatieve route te nemen. En voor een keer reed ik dan ook via secundaire wegen naar huis.  Voor ik vertrok had ik aan mijn manlief laten verstaan dat ik dacht dat de meeste Rode Duivels-vlaggen wel al in de verkleedkoffer zouden beland .

Want kijk, wat had je nu gedacht dat dit een blog-entry zou worden over familie en emoties? Alhoewel dit gaat om een fan-familie en de ploeg waar ik toch wel een aantal gelijkaardige gevoelens voor koester.  Stallie heeft namelijk de afgelopen weken natuurlijk net zoals heel wat mensen op deze aardkloot ook naar een wit-zwart rond rondvliegende object gekeken dat door 22 mensen in alle richtingen werd gestuurd.  Stallie kijkt namelijk graag naar voetbal en al langer dan vandaag en ja, Stallie is ook een fan van de Rode Duivels. Wat had u gedacht?  En ik geef ook heel eerlijk toe dat ik soms wel eens bijzonder emotioneel kan zijn als die gasten met of zonder shirtje op de grasmat verschijnen. Ja, ik was er bij in dat jaar dat de nationale ploeg zichzelf oversteeg.  De avond dat Georges Grün zijn kopje onder een bal plantte zodat we een paar weken later naar Mexico mochten vertrokken, zat ik in het kleinste kamertje mijn nagels af te bijten. Ik durfde gewoon niet meer te kijken en koos dan maar voor mij een tijdje terug te trekken.  Maar vanbinnen was ik die avond intens gelukkig. Precies of er vuurwerk afging. 

Dat jaar was ik 12 en keek ik samen met mijn broer en mijn papa naar het voetbal of mijn leven er afhing. Ik dronk cola uit een glas met een afbeelding van Georges&co er op en hoopte dan vurig dat als ik het glas nog een keer extra ledigde dat dit dan geluk zou brengen.  Ja, ik heb zelfs hartjes zitten te tekenen in mijn schoolagenda om er voor te zorgen dat al mijn liefde voor die ploeg naar de juiste plek zou worden afgevuurd.  En dan kwamen die mannen naar huis. ZOTTE TOESTANDEN!!!!!   Dat zijn de enige correcte woorden die ik er nog kan opplakken.  Onze natie werd zot. Want hoe ontvang je een 'ploegske' dat net door Maradonna en familie uit een toernooi is gespeeld en ook niet zijn wedstrijd voor de derde plaats heeft gewonnen?  Awel, je geeft ze een ontvangst in de hoofdstad en ze mogen dan netjes opdirkt op het balkon van het stadhuis gaan staan wuiven. Vervolgens mogen ze dan een handje gaan schudden op het koninklijk paleis.

En de fans die hadden dan ook nog eens het excuus om nog eens goed uit de bol te mogen gaan en te laten zien aan iedereen dat ze hadden meegeleefd.  Sommige van die beelden zal ik nooit vergeten omdat ze zo onwezenlijk waren en omdat ze precies in scene waren gezet.   Heel mooi en ook best onvergetelijk.  Pfaff kan er nu er nog heel wat minuten mee vullen. 

Dit jaar ging ik dan net zoals zo veel anderen van dit surrealistisch land over de boeg voor iets dat rood, geel of zwart was en duivelse kwaliteiten werd toegedicht.   Yes, deze dame begon zéér intens van elke Duivel de resultaten in het oog te houden en iedere belangrijk voetbalwedstrijd probeerde ik op de voet te volgen. Ik ging me weer verdiepen in de cijfers en feiten en kocht zelfs een WK-special van een mannen magazine.  Ja, ik ga ver in mijn fan-zijn maar ik wil het dan ook goed en doordacht zijn.  Een keer dat de aftrap was gegeven van de Mondiale in Brazilië wou ik weten wie er in de basis van de meeste landen zou staan, las ik menig spelers-rapport van de FIFA en ik ging echt geconcentreerd voor een tv-scherm zitten met een Magnum Champagne om mijn vingers te kunnen aflikken.  Deze supporter was er klaar voor.  Soms waren ze zelfs momenten dat ik wat jaloers was op die mannelijke collega's die er heel openlijk voor uitkwamen dat ze Panini stickers zaten te verzamelen.  Eentje zei dat dit bij hem een soort kinder-geluk teweeg bracht en plots begreep ik het waarom voetbalfans soms van een andere planeet lijken te komen.  En ik wou dat ook wel nog eens een keer ervaren.

Maar ik heb een soort sociale handicap. Eentje die gelinkt is aan mijn identiteit.  Belgen zijn soms namelijk over heel wat beschaamd en we zijn dat ook al voor jaren over ons voetbal.  We worden omringd door landen die gewoon een ander soort gevoel weten ten tonele te voeren als hun landgenoten zich op of een of andere manier profileren.  België heeft het nog steeds niet onder de knie en weet nog steeds geen blijf met zijn gevoelens en frustraties.  Want wat als die bal niet landt waar ze hoort te landen en enkel in ons doel? Wat doen we als de bondscoach een man blijkt te zijn die we dachten dat hij niet was? Wat als er eens een rode kaart te veel valt en onze sterspeler gekwetst geraakt?  Wat als we verliezen? Wat als we naar huis komen voor die halve finale? Wat als Eden eerder Pico blijkt te zijn? Wat als er eentje een bal te veel heeft doorgelaten? Wat als....

Ja kijk, daar bestaat dus geen scenario voor. We staan terug met onze voetbalschoentjes op de aarde.  Dat is het probleem niet.  Daar zorgt menig analist wel voor en ik wist niet dat er zoveel waren.  Zo werden we ondertussen als 'kutbelgen' omschreven door een 'vriendelijke' Nederlandse buurman en kort na het tegendoelpunt van Argentinië stuurde een andere, ook toevallig een Nederlander, analist eventjes een tweet de wereld in die vader Courtois boos maakte.  Die emoties, die gevoelens die zich dan plots meester maken van ons probeer die maar eens op een correcte wijze te laten spreken zonder in een bepaalde stijl te vervallen.   Dus wat vragen onze protagonisten in onze voetbal-familie nu om geen parade te organiseren, om geen toeters en bellen mee naar de Grote Markt te brengen, om niet naar Zaventem af te zakken met een driekleur, om niet vlagjes te tekenen op onze wangen en naast de weg te gaan staan roepen, om niet een keer onze handen in de lucht te gooien voor een onze ploeg,....  En waarom?

Geen idee. De logica is zoek en ook dat vind ik momenteel niet vreemd. Waarom? Omdat we, ik herhaal het nog een keer, het nooit onder de knie zullen krijgen. Wij Belgen (en excuseer me nu even maar de nuchtere Vlamingen (waarvan ik een van ben) zijn vooral daar wereldkampioen in) hebben altijd het gevoel dat het niet gepast is om ergens mee uit te pakken als het eindresultaat wat minder is.  Daar is niks mis mee en het maakt ons tot wat we zijn.  De vraag is alleen mag je als fan dan op zulke momenten jouw ploeg niet eens een hart onder de riem steken? Mag je dan niet eens voor een keer naast een nuchtere analist (want die zullen er morgen ook nog gaan zijn ook als Vince The Prince&co al lang onder de grasmat begraven liggen) gaan staan en gewoon fan zijn?

Moeten we allemaal dan plotseling stuk voor stuk ons vingertje omhoog steken?  Neen, bedankt!  Ik zie, hoor en lees dag in dag uit de 'wijze' woorden van azijnpissers in actie die er stuk voor stuk voor zorgen dat ik met beide voeten op de grond blijf.  Hun opbouwende kritiek die neem ik ook iedere dag mee terug naar huis in mijn boterhammendoos. Stof genoeg om over na te denken en een zoveelste reset door te voeren.  Allemaal gratis en voor niets.  Ik ben er mee grootgebracht en ik zal er ook mee sterven en ik heb het mijn zoon alvast meegegeven met de paplepel.

Maar dit alles maakt het des te moeilijker om nu aan dat zelfde kind uit te leggen waarom onze Rode Duivels geen optocht wensen en geen feestje willen bouwen.  Daarbij komt ook nog eens dat de KBVB misschien een klein detail uit het oog verloren was toen ze die open brief de digitale wereld instuurde en dat was dat er momenteel in het koninklijk paleis ook 'kleine' fans zijn. Hoe ga je een kind uitleggen dat die konings-kinderen wel hun team mogen de hand schudden en hun mentaal een schouderklopje geven en zij niet de kans krijgen om hun mondiale voetballers nog een keer te mogen toe roepen?  Rijmt niet in een kinderhoofdje en ook niet meer in dat van mij.  Want je gaat me nu niet wijsmaken dat de zonen en dochters van ons vorstenpaar ergens in een het paleis achter slot en grendel zaten terwijl die gasten stonden te poseren op het koninklijk gazon.

Fan zijn vergt dan ook oefening en doorzettingsvermogen.  Je moet een stukje van jezelf bloot geven en je kwetsbaar durven op te stellen.   Het lijkt zo eenvoudig om een favoriet aan te moedigen, je longen uit je lijf te roepen, een duik met je kleren nog aan in het zwembad te nemen na het winnende doelpunt,  je kinderen Panini stickers te kopen om hun album vol te krijgen , je auto te pimpen met een een duivels hoesje, een bak bier met de buren te ledigen terwijl je naar Vincent en co kijkt, een GAS-boete riskeert om al toeterend door je straat of stad te racen,  je gaat verdiepen in voetbal gerelateerde woordenschat om mee te kunnen praten met je schoonvader die voetbalgek is, je een postkaartje van de Bpost naar Brazilië stuurt voor je favoriete Duivel, het aantal sixpacks telt die na een wedstrijd plotseling van onder een strak en bezweet shirtje tevoorschijn komen of een shirt met het nummer 12 draagt omdat je er bij wilt horen bij die horde van mensen die fan zijn van een bende gasten die achter een bal aan hollen of hun leven er vanaf hangt.  Maar het is meer dan dit en wie echt van fan is van iets of iemand weet wat ik wil zeggen....  Echte fans weten wat ik bedoel. Analisten zijn dan ook geen fans. Dat is hun beroep niet.  En maar goed ook!!!  

Gisteren reed ik naar huis. Gisteren hingen de vlaggen er nog steeds en niet aan een of twee gevels. Gisteren overviel me een gevoel dat ik al jaren niet meer gevoeld heb. Het gevoel dat ik niet meer alleen fan ben als het minder gaat.  Gisteren waaide menig vlag met misschien minder panache maar zeker niet met minder respect. Gisteren haalde ik opgelucht adem dat we nog fan zijn ook als menig analist zijn gal heeft mogen spugen.  En mijn moeder die liet gisteren heel duidelijk merken dat ze Lionel Messi geen goede voetballer vindt in zijn totaliteit. Mijn zus die droeg dan weer een oranje jeans.  Zalig moment! Neen, ik blijf fan en ik wil dit nog een heel lang leven doen zonder dat ik me precies moet verantwoorden. Mag dat? 

Smart Teachers?

I have a few routines that I love on a Saturday and one of them is drinking a cup of George Clooney coffee and diving into the weekend press. I love it to just for once not having to closely watch the time and first check if my lesson plan is printed out and all my materials are ready for the next fun learning challenge I have got in store for my lovely students. Saturday is the day that I can put on denim and that the 100% cotton Petit Bateau underwear and a warm croissant of the local bakery are all pure weekend bliss.  It is then that I am in weekend mode and can take deep breaths and empty my brain and catch up with the outside current affairs. Stallie then eargerly digest most of newspaper articels and loves to find out what others think about what is going on in the world.

So when I today was about to embark on that routine I did hear over the news that one of our former university rectors thinks that the teachers of our national are in general not highly intelligent and not equipped to future challenges. In that same interview he is quoted that he urgently calls for a educational reform.  On top of that he points out that the profession lacks a certain appeal/respect and he also says this in that same interview:In mijn jeugd was de schoolmeester een respectabel beroep van een zeer hoog intellectueel niveau. In sommige landen is dat nog altijd zo. In Finland hebben ze een toelatingsexamen aan de universiteit om leraar te mogen worden, en bovendien zijn alle leerkrachten er universitairen.'

Uhm, now first of all nothing in that interview is new. Nothing the very intelligent professor at rest André Oosterlinck says in that piece has not been said before. I can even tell you that I more then once have been called 'just a teacher' and I even have parents who question their children's career choice if they choose for teacher. My own father did.  I will never forget the day that I left for college to kick of my teacher training.  It did seem like I was already a dissapointment. Fortunately he did change his mind about that but I am quite sure that the teaching profession lacks some sex appeal.

I do agree that new teachers need more training and that their present studies do not cover enough what matters in order to survive the educational jungle. Theory and practice are still not in balance when teachers in Belgium are trained. Plus becoming a teacher takes time, effort and also patience. It is not because you have got the degree that it will guarantee you a carefree teaching career. In the 21st century so many things change and this with the blink of an eye.  At the time I decided to hang out one more year extra on the campus of my teaching college in order to specialize in special needs and it was only in that year I found out if I was fit enough to enter a classroom and suddenly realised that it takes so much more.  Yes, I did then over and over point out that a four year teaching training is perhaps a better way to train a teacher. In that one extra year I was granted the space and time to feel at ease and secure in a classroom. It was in that extra year that I turned into a 'up for battle' teacher.


But do I find respect? Do I consider myself intelligent enough? Do people look down on me? Do some people make comments about my profession? Do I sometimes feel like I have to defend myself when people talk about lazzy and dumb teachers? Do I have to point out that those vacations are a nice extra and did influence my choice at the time? Do I wonder if being a teacher in the past was so much eassier? Do I experience days that I feel like I am rather on a island instead part of a close knit  team?  Do I sometimes not feel always that fully equiped and prepared to face the next change that I am about to deal with in my class room?   Do I wonder what it must feel like to be a teacher in the Japan, the USA, Finland, Congo or in the Netherlands? Do I agree with most of what the minister of education says in the press about his educaitonal future plans?  Do I long back for the days that André Oosterlinck describes in his interview? 

Well,most of the above questions I can answer with:'Yes,I do.' But I am also willingly to say that I don't think it is fair to talk in such a manner  about my profession. Believe me there are many teachers out there who try to make the difference There a so many people out there in who in their classroom try to give each pupils and student excellent education.  Plenty of teachers are willingly to embrace change and try out new things.  I have seen so many things around me that tell me that there are enough teachers who are ready to give day in day out there very best.   And I am not just talking about the people who I work at my educational hot spot. No, I have seen so many excellent examples of good practice.

It does make my blood boil if I read such news articles because I take my profession very serious.  When I was at university I wanted in the first place use my knowledge inside of a classroom but I was one of the few in that lecture hall. Most of my fellow students had totaly different plans with their university studies.  I am not sure what it takes to make teaching a more appealing profession. Let us be honest it are not just teachers who are not that much regarded with respect. Yes, it is true that more and more teachers seem to think that teaching is not that their core business and that the red tape linked to it makes them rather feeling like a desk manager.  So it will not be that easy at all to just reform the teaching training .

The suggestions made By some specialist is first of all to get only the people who in the first place choose for education and also make them all trained specialist who spend at least 4 years in a learning and study environment. I am do agree that it was only in my fourth year of studies what I sometimes call my 'test phase-'year that I felt more confident to enter a classroom.  So yes, it would make sense to train future teachers longer but please do not do this in a confined & artificial spot. And yes, I have met some very courageous people who suddenly changed their mind in the 'private' professional world to become teachers. Brave people who did not go over just one night of thin ice.  The knowledge they drag into a room full of future world citizens full with future dreams is essential as well. But they also need time to adopt and they then find out that teaching takes so much more then putting together a animated power point presentation.

Nope, I don't have the answers when it comes down to reforming the educational professional world. I just know that it takes a lot more then just to make the training phase a bit longer.  It will take so much more and it will take more then just group together the students with the highest IQ who are willingly to transfer their knowledge into the brains of children.   Let us be honest we all have been students, we all have come across great teachers and less great educational talents...  Future teachers will have to face students,management, parents,society, a world that just has got very high expectations of them... but that is in every single profession/job the case.

But it would be nice if a 16 year old will be a more encouraged to take teaching as a serious career option.... and that is when many of us can play a very important part. A career path is a road that many young people embark on with very high expectations and it is the more experienced people (and that is Let us first of all stop using less respectful language about any profession and it would be nice that journalists also think twice to put a more profound heading above a newsarticle. And any newsitem deserves a well thaught of headline.

PS: In case you wonder if you are 'smart' enough to be a teacher and you speak Dutch then try to answer the following 92 questions that in 2012 about 1000 student teachers were asked to answers. I know my score and no I am not going to share that one out here.  But it was enough to make me smile... A smile comparable to the one I see on a student when I hand them back a high grade.
http://www.knack.be/nieuws/bent-u-slimmer-dan-een-leerkracht-doe-de-test/article-normal-104419.html

Dancing No Matter What....

It is April and April fools day has just chased by and I got out of unharmed besides a few stickers that were attached by a some very eager students who wanted to show me that they did dare to challenge me.  Yes, they got a few laughs out of me...

I have not been around in this space for quite some time. Was this intend or rather coincendence? Well, honestly I can not tell... The car accident did trigger something strong in my mind and on top of that did my 40th birthday also seem to be the beginning of a very excicted but at times also hectic 41st year.  The world has been treating my kind for the last few months and even tough that I do seem to be cursed car wise because last week my new car (and it is one of my dream cars that I drive now) got kissed by a Merc. It was not a happy encounter but fortunately I was on my way to the that one person who seems to calm me down by the power of his hands. 

Still, today I did reflect about something that I hardly have not mentioned again and that is if I miss my old job and if I am content with what I have got instead what I am longing for. Yes, the wish list or the bucket list is still around in my mind.... But some things did change in my life for the better.  That I two years ago did send in my CV in the hope to find a new educational challenge was for me a very crucial moment in my life... It was almost like now or never...

The now is still the now and I have to be honest that I do have days that I do long back to that one special spot where I took my educational baby steps and where I did learn so much from others. Yes, there are days that I am quite curious to know how everybody is holding up the fortress while I am running across the campus of my new educational hot spot.  Sometimes voices of my former co-workers echo in my mind while I trying to come up with a new lesson plan or sometimes I even try to imagine what one of them would have said or done if they would be in my situation.  They are still in my mind and mentally they even walk along with me when I face certain challenges.

The thing is that the last year and a half my life has changed in a very profound way. What I have found out about myself has made a bit different to the teacher that I used to be but perhaps other around me already did know this about me. More then once people did tell me something about me that did take me by surprise. A few weeks ago a very good and someone who also knew me when I was a high school student myself and not passing all the test and exams I took in my life used that one word that defines me in a very profound way but also makes me feel so fragile at times. 'C, we are talking here about passion... what you have for your profession is passion...' and she looked at me with her typical face and her sincere smile.

Passion, that is now one of these words that I love in many ways because yes, I do try to bring it out in whatever I do. Not that it always works but at least I try.... Not that the world I face on a daily basis always agrees with me. Yes, I am fully aware that there are certain forces at work out there that are rather hard to battle and that I am only a tiny spot on this globe.  But hey, I have made a few pledges to myself and to some people that care about and even love no matter what. Plus there is something else that for the moment keeps me up on my toes and very busy.  I still believe strongly in the instinct that life will give me in return what ever I invested in it.

So far 2014 has been for me a very emotional rollercoaster one with some unforgettable ups but also rather painful and harsh downs.  Stallie still is fully aware that her dark side can pop up at any second and GERD has still it is sour way to communicate what she thinks about my well being. But my nails, ladies and gentlemen, my nails those seem to be hanging in there. Yes, I am winning the fight with my urge to bite into them when I feel like I am about to hit a wall or when I seem to be running out of juice. One look at that result (and the finishing touch of a beautician who is very strict with me) that I managed and the patience I already had put into those nails kept me back of doing what I normaly would do...

But somethings were a bit more challenging and I am not just talking about turning 40 and facing that fact that I am mortal and that from now on some things will go down hill. Not that seems to be the easy part. It is more trying to stay in balance with myself, my job, my family, my social life (including my social media or dare to call it virtual life) and some things that I care about.... One of them is dancing and that is not that easy.  Stallie needed to find back why she in the world ever decided to go back to that ballet studio where she would be every week challenged by her ballet teacher but also by her mental state and her motor skills.

Out there in front of a mirror while my feet tried to make coordinated movements with my arms, knees I did seem to face my biggest challenge.  Tuesdays are a killer when it comes down to work, photocopying, running, breathing, teaching, smiling my way through lesssons with less willingly individuals who suddenly disagree with learing a new language or keep up my respectful posture when one of students thinks he/she can tackle a literature course without keeping up his/her reading. Tuesday is my ultimate rat race and then I try to beat time in order to make it to Leuven and jump into my black leotard and slip into my ballet shoes.  The moment that I drag myself into that room full of mirrors I feel like a zombie who would rather crash into couch and hide under a duvet. Getting the picture here...

This year my ballet teacher challenged me and he was after perfection.  In a few weeks I need to pull out every single move I have in my body and move synchronized on a stage.  He is after fairies and he does hope  that we can show grace, elegance, style and be smooth.... This talented ballet dancer/chorographer has got a great vision that he tries to come alive on stage.  Well, Stallie did screw up big time the last few months. Right and left constantly got messed up in my mind.  Stretching my toes and my turn outs were nowhere to be noticed. Even classmates suddenly noticed that I not always easily react to change.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, one look at Stallie out there and you would see that she is going in overdrive...

Yes, I almost wanted to give into that one force that I has pushed me out of the ballet world. The one force that then will then take possesion of me. The thing is that this lady wants to dance and not just dance one hour a week.  I now even will start to make dance movements while I am out on the street.  Yes, life should come with background music!  So it is not that I don't want to dance anymore but it did seem that my body and my mind were after a dance-break.

Well, my ballet teacher did not grand me that break. His face said it all when I told him that I just had other things on my mind instead of dancing... Instead he tried to point out something to me that I was trying to ignore. Something that I deep down know he is so right about. Something that dancers are fully aware. Something that makes you long for the next dance step even if it hurts. Pain and dancing not always seem to fit in my mind but perhaps I always did up till now picked the eassier way out of the ballet studio when change was around the bend. I had done it before and I knew exactly what it would cause me. Honestly I have not intentions to go back to that place because dancing there has got no air time....

His words and body language I did copy clearly. And when I that night walked out of the ballet school there were certain words that still echoeing in my mind.  Pain on stage I have never ever experienced it. I am not talking about the physical pain here because I even encounter that when I am just tackling a routine lesson.  The dance instructor was aiming at a different kind of pain one that I hardly ever given a spot in my dancing world.  Why? Because I just couldn't imagine them both cooperating and coexisting.  So the week after I stood there and my mind was in overdrive and my body did seem to have a harder time finding it's balance and I just ruined most of my piques.  Half of time I did seem to run of breath or was a count too slow. But I have not given in and thank the lord this  last week it did all look it a bit more decent.  Did I again feel more at ease and did I feel more like a dancer...

Next week I need to be ready mentally to get on stage and not feeling that 100% at ease but being able to push out for about 3 minutes all my balast and just dance. It might hurt and it might not feel that natural but I already have experienced in the last few weeks that what my ballet teacher is after does make sense. It is not even rocket science but I guess that it took a 5 minute speech of a dancer who has gone through a lot more then I ever did but hey, I have got a job, a family, my mental health, a laundry basket that resembles the Himalaya, a never ending to do-list and I have to be honest dancing was not a priority on there the last few months.

So I had to get back in there and tyring to refocus on what matters inside the walls of a ballet studio. And believe most of the tings that I have mentioned here above don't. There is no space for those. But there is so much that is allowed in.  That it took me a strict ballet teacher to point it out to me. Because I had for few minutes forgotten all about that one particular saying that does matter in the world of dancing and even in general:'Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... It's learning to dance in the rain.'

A big thank you to my ballet teacher B who managed to keep me in check!!!!  Sorry that I lost that dancing feeling/loving feeling for a minute or two...