woensdag 24 juli 2024

Summer bites


 

Last Sunday was our National Holiday and as always we gor to witness some impressive and loud sounding planes flying over our house after being part of our annual military defile.  In general Belgians do not celebrate as much as for example the Americans and the French. Still, you can then for sure notice that there is a certain holiday atmosphere within our tiny nation.  We ourselves had a lovely luncheon in Antwerp at a restaurant called Hiro. And believe me in case you ever end up in front of their restaurant and you love Japanese food then this is a must go place.  Especially if you ever been to Japan and long for a specific je ne sais quoi that you have experienced while you were facing the heat, humidity and the never ending fast but at the same time mindfull paste that the nation of the eternal sun carries within.

Oh yes, I know that food preferences are very personal and what I like, you might not like. That is fine.  Through out the years I had the pleasure to walk into restaurants where you just sense something that is very hard to copy and paste.  There is something at work that is unique and at the same time makes you long for more.  Something that makes them stand out amongst the crowd.  After all is enjoying food one of the most sense involving activities that you get to enjoy. Not only with your body, but also with your mind. Therefor we all have our own very personal memory box of food that we love and depise.  There is the aspect about food that is a very deep going one that is very hard to beat. 

The restaurants that serve dishes that are linked to specific countries are not always a guarantue you will get served the food that you remembered when you for example bought street food along the road in Mexico or twirled around your pasta carbonara in Rome.  Food experiences and the memories you get to create abroad sometimes end up in your core memories and believe me it is almost impossible to beat the orginals.  They are hard core and there will always be something that will make long for it to happen again. 

Myself travelled alone to Japan and I have been in a very mindfull state when I was in that nation. A nation that still speaks to my immagination. The moment that I for the first time hailed a Japanese taxi and the doors did swing open and wondered if it was even safe to get in I will never ever forget.  My first Macha ice cream cone and believe it or not the first  croissant I ate in Tokyo still make me go in over drive.  And then there is the shaved ice cream I had in the Bleu Lounge in Tokyo in combo with those fluffy Japanese pancakes!   There were so many unforgettable food moments I had and that will never ever forget. 

Stil, there is one that stands out. The last evening of my stay I had a grilled meat skewer from a 7 eleven on my way to my hosts while the annual fireworks where lightning up the sky.  Pleqse believe me it was a taste explosion.   I still remember so vividly the heat, the fluorescent lights of the shop and the irristible smell of grilled meat of that moment that me made give into buying that street food.   In front of the store there were no seats and so I ended up eating that quick bite while I was standing and my mobile phone was running out of juice.  So there was also anxiety running through my veins in combo with a very unexplainable urge to just enjoy every singele bite. It was if that piece of meat on a stick suddenly took over and made me forget everything else and at the same time my senses were fully activated.  A memorable bite to say the least...I still rave about that one.  

Not that this will suprise those who know me well..I rave a lot about food.  P and I love going to restaurants and we have over the last two decades been to many special culinary hotspots!  Some of them are the ones that food critics have tested and reviewed.  Those are the ones that most of the time you enter with very high expectations and hope that by the time coffee and the gourmandises arrive you have experienced something similar than the food critic did.  And then there are diamonds in rogue...the ones that kind of ask you to leave your comfort zone.  In a sense you are flying a bit blind when you read their menu.  I love these above everything else because they are rather rare to come across.

Now I totaly understand that there are number of people who would never wish to give a lot of money for a seven course dinner.  Please believe me if I tell you that I also like a good steak with homemade fries, and you can always wake up in the middle of the night for a velvet cupcake.  The thing is that more and more I am becoming aware of how much hard work hospitality and cooking is.  It is not easy to keep a restaurant or food truck running smoothly and at the same time remaining finacial healthy.  Quite a few people will tell you that the culinary restaurants tend to over charge and that some of them are over hyped.  Honestly, some of them are. P will be very open when he feels that a luncheon or dinner has not lived up to his expectations.  But one thing we both keep repeating over and over again and that creating dishes and cooking food is team work and involves a lot of hard work, passion, creativity, endurance, concentration and guts.  Something we have so much respect for and do not take for granted.

It is because of all of this that I love also the Disney FX series The Bear.  A series that tells you the story about Carmy, a young promising chef who decides to return to his family owned beef sandwich restaurant.  At first glance you do wonder why in the world a young chef who is trained by some of the best chefs in the world would ever go back to a very greasy and dysfunctional kitchen.  Within that question lies everything that The Bear makes so extraordinary and an outstanding series.  Forget all the things you think you know about working in a kitchen.  Unless you are part of a cooking crew or hospitality team that day and night tries to aim for the stars.  Then you know...you do and you are surely one of those that must have been struggling to get the message across what working is like in a small and crowdy kittchen.

The Bear is showered in nominations and honestly they deserve every single one of them.  For those who have ever visited a star restaurant might know that most of them willl agree with them that the ones that stand out are the ones that make sure that not only the chef is hailed but rather the whole team.  Dissecting the dish that miracalously appears in front of you on pristine white table linnen is a collission of forces.  Nothing is a coincidence and the the moment you get to taste that collaboration you get to find out what the power within of hospitality is.  

The thing is that it takes a lof of patience to get there where many ambitious and passionate  chefs wish to end up.  And no, not all of them aim for the red Michelin guide.  Some of them just wish to cook and feed the people and let them taste their creation. All of this in the hope that they will manage to understand what they first managed to put to together.  Those Moleskine notebooks that chefs fill up with ideas, sketches and observations are their personal testemony of a very intense journey.   A journey that they not easily share.  The chefs that publish their notebooks are even more rare than the three star restaurants you find around the globe.  It are their well hidden vaults that not easily share the code of with others. They do therefor try to let the dishes speak to us and that is very risky business. 

And there you have it why I do think that we at times still forget how hard it is for chefs and hospitiality teams to get the message across.  That many struggle to survive and many will never get there where they would love to.  It is a brutal game that we as customors and foodies do not get to witnesss.  And a no, an open kitchen does not let you get closer to the core of a restaurant.  It are ratther the people moving around in there and most of the time they are silent.  From our point of view it as if they just are on an autmatic pilot and that each one of them knows their lines without a single hesitation.  

Oh yes, I do know that there are those cooking shows that try to let you see what a chef can be like...Gordon Ramsey is perhaps the most straightforward example of this.  'Yes, chef.', and 'No, chef.' are the few words that seem only the few words that sous-chefs and others are allowed to use within a kitchen. In The Bear many more words are catapulted at us viewers and if you let this series be decanted and breath then you will see so much more.  

Yes, The Bear is a very nice creative and cinamatographic series that I dare to describe as a pot pourri of images that at times feel as if they do not fit together.  I will never forget watching that first episode with P and that we felt even a bit claustrophic and even a bit struggling. 'It is as if you ar really with them in that kitchen.', P commented.  Yes, The Bear lets you witness that most of the time is covered up by a lid that stays firmy on top of the container.  That the series is considered a 'comic' one is after one is rather questionable.  Seeing Carmy going in total overdrive and all the yelling that takes place within that tiny kitchen feels as if whoever  came up with that description was a bit out of their mind.  

Then of you like food and once in a while celebrate life with a nice drink and a tasty dish then you must know what happens if you manage to give it some time to let it all sink in. You need to savour the moment...you need to open up your mind...let your senses guide you where you sometimes rather stay away from...try to loose control and the journey take you wherever the teamwork wants you to end up.  It is hard work and some of us might never find this a worthwhile trip.  That's okay but that The Bear for once decided to push over board all the glamour and bling is a very courageous thing to do. It focused on the darker side of the culinary world...Carmy is Annakin who is about to tip over to the dark side...(sorry I could not resist)

My parents have always tried hard to point out that cooking is a life skill and that there are people who even manage to let it be an art.  For years I have been dreaming to go to a three star restaurant and when my parents came back from one I just could not wait them describe to me what they experienced.  It rather seemed that this was rather challenging.  After all in the eighthies and nineties you had no smart phone with you to take pics.  There was something within what they did not say that gave away what their dinner or luncheon had been like. My painful realisation was most of the time that they had been there and I was granted an extra portion of crisps as a treat to fascilate to babysitter her job.  They had been out on very personal journey and there was no way to let me understand what they experienced.

The thing is that my mother is an excellent cook and that she also dares to push her boundaries. The Bocuse cook book in my mothers kitchen cupboard was a very visible. Still, I am pretty sure that it is the notebook that she rather keeps behind kitchen cabinets doors that withholds her cooking journey.  And then there are the recipes that she was thaught by her mother.  Those stand the test of time and are the ones that seem to still make me marvel and make me travel to the core of it all.  A very intense sensation that you can not fake, not immitate or vein, that  hits you right between the eyes will fill you up with all the feels.  No, there are no right words to decribe what these dishes do me.  The one thing that I do very clearly remember when mother or grandmother cooked or baked together is that they did this in silence.

My mother does not boost about this...she 'just' does the groceries, does her mise en place, puts on her cooking appron and starts then in silence...and the only thing she might then ask us to set the table.  In my family the Sunday roast was a special thing but it also involved my dad entering my mothers kingdom.  He was the onely one who was allowed to do the cutting and it mattered to my mother.  Since my dad died I can not remember her cooking a Sunday roast.  The dish died so to speak and that in total silence...(I admit that I am now in tears while letting my fingers slide over my keyboard)

Now that I am older it is if I can seen more clearly what my mother and all those chefs always are trying to tell me.  Every single one of them that creates and cooks, pushes out their love and courage in the hope that you will connect.  That food critics can make or break a chef and that the proof of the pudding is in eating it ourselves we then tend to forget.  Personal taste is a very strong emotion and I will never get into an argument when it comes down to this.  My food journey is a very personal one but I will always try to be open minded.  Never ever will I force my taste on someone else.  It does not work like that...especially when it comes down to cooking and eating.

Not that I will not share my observations....for example that tiny restaurant Hiro in Antwerp I mentioned at the beginning of this rather lengthy entry located in the shadow of the impressive MAS-building is exactly what I am after when it comes down to the impact of hospitality. Chances are very likely that you will walk passed it if you not first have checked it out.  Never ever would I have entered that rather dark spot. It does not exactly communicates and it is not filled up with crystal glasses and pristine white napkins.  It took a bit of courage to enter and then let go all my prejudice that seems takes hold of my culinary part of my brain.  One thing that I noticed straight away was the silence within the place and how the staff seemed to rather float and the moment I had managed to take a closer look at the their beverage list I embarked for that one journey that I so grave for....the one that will let me have taste explosions and let me connect with happiness. 

Oh yes, I could now describe in detail what I had and how excellent the service was.  But hey, I am not going to...you were not there with me when I was sipping of that broth in which an excellent piece of sea barse was swimming and when I sipped of the tasty cocktail filled up with a great mixture of spirits and ice cubes that slowly melted. Outside there was a delightful breeze and was my tiny nation recovering from the heat and all I could think is that I am so lucky to be granted a glimpse of what the people behind the counter try to create without boosting and making a lot of noise.  Not only did some very tasty dishes ended up in front of me but also I got to witness that well synched kitchen ballet.    By the time we walked back to our car I was content and in total balance...I did not needed more.  Nope,  believe me I was not full...that is not what food should do...dietary advice even will tell you that a filled up stomach is not what you should experience when enjoying a meal.

That team of four people in that tiny restaurant nailed to make me travel back to that night in Tokyo when there were fireworks in the sky and my taste buds were fired up. I was all by myself but at the same time totally grounded and fully alive and kicking. The character of Carmy in The Bear is struggling to get his message across and he is in total turmoil when he is in his kitchen.  He is trying very hard and he has got many people around him that believe in him but he still not masters the silence...silence is a very essential ingredient of a dish...even the turmoil he has experienced while becoming who is he has to let breath and come alive in his dishes.  Is it daring and not risk free because after all as in most professions he has come across toxic people and passive agresssiveness that can easily make your cooking end up in the bin. 

No..you do not need to book a table at a three star chef to let people connect within and feel happy and content.  It is not the crystal long stemmed wine glasses, the cryspy slices of whole grain bread with pumpkin seeds served with farm produced butter, the starched white and nicely folded napkins, the Japanese gin out of wooden barrels served with dehydraded slices of lemon, the pink himmalyan salt in hand made creamic colorful pots with tiny golden spoons,  the fragile but at the same time utterful beautiful white plates, the oysters that are covered with tiny tasteful ingredients, the grilled to perfection piece of Waygu, the utterly expensive bottle of Barolo you pour in the glass to toast to your husbands fifthy's birthday, the dessert showstopper that is topped up with stirred to perfection whipped cream,....no that is not what it is about.  It is about the silence hidden within all of those delicous dishes or snacks and more.  And before it managed to do so this it did involve a lot of hit and miss on all levels.

The makers of The Bear will tell you the rather messy story that goes on behind the closed doors and behind the silence ...and believe they nail it...they have been eating and observing in silence and managed to connect with what hospitality wants us to understand and they believe most of those who are a bit of a foodie who not need a parade or a star review.  After all it is the brother of Carmy who already knew long time before anyone else what his brother masters...the Italian beef sandwich of the Berzatto family contains all the ingredients to master silence but Carmy still needs to figure that out while the ones around have already figured it out....in silence...within...deep within.  After all..'Everything that grows together goes together.', a food produce market seller tells one of Carmy his sous chefs Tina.  The journey from produce to the plate is one that is so essential and Tina suddenly saw the light and this in total silence! 

I wish you all a very lovely summer and that you have yourself plenty of those foodie experiences, no matter where and what.  That croissant you migth nibble while heading for the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games in Paris, the Parmessan cheese that you sprinkle over the home made spaghetti after visiting the Ufizzi, the bottle of bubbles you have chilled to drink with friends in the shadow of the oak tree in your garden to celebrate friendship , the sweet and sugary taste of the wedding cake your groom feeds you, the cut to perfection cucumber sandwich served with your Eerl Grey tea at Fortnum&Mason in London, the sushi cut up by a very focused sushi chef in Kyoto, the smoaked salmon you picked out yourself in a fish shop in Sweden for a picnic on the beach to watch the sun set,  the greasy hot dog that you bought from a smiley street vendor on the streets of NYC, the feta and melon you cut up for a fresh salad to go along with that one barbecue you longed for during the long and dark winter, the scoops of gelato of your local ice cream vendor that cool you down, the bucket of popcorn salted to perfection you take along the aircontioned cinema venue to watch the Minions in back in action,  the crispy Belgian waffle covered in sweet tasting whipped cream while wandering over the Grand Place of Brussels,  the juicy and sweet pieces of pineapple cut up for you to enjoy after a very hot day on a African safari, the Starbucks coffee that you sip on next to your car heading for your summer destination, the tasty and spice street food you devour after hiking with a heavy back pack through Mexico, the all you can eat buffet you get to enjoy as part of your all inclusive trip to Greece, the cold but perfectly brewed glass of beer you jump around with during a summer festival,  the hot apple tea you get served after a visit to a Turkish bath in Bursa, the delicous dim sum served by Thai waitress with a contagious smile, a cuban rum that enhances your beach coctktail next to the swimpool...have your self a tasty summer filled up with 'silence'...Carmy envies you...the anti hero who still needs  to shake off the toxic and let go when he cooks up his star worthy 'silence'.   He longs for that silence in order to manage to speak to us...the ones who are openminded and are grateful, the ones that are essential puzzle pieces to let food speak while we are totally silent...I wish you all a very delighful summer filled up with lots of memorable moments and meaningul times and bites that will make you travel within...in silence or with a lot of noise...Enjoy your meal...

P.S.: I did pick music that I have come across while I was enjoying food or when I was sipping from a drink. And the Triavata one I came across when watching an episode of The Bear. The picture I picked out is linked to The Bear as well and only for this one you should watch that series... 


PS: For those that wish to check out Hiro...lunch and dinner are both great.  In case you love rather prefer silence then book a table for lunch rather than for dinner.  Still dinner at Hiro is also great fun and the sound bites that are served are also standing out in positive ways.  It surely is culinary hot spot that if you love Japanese food and a nice drink deserves to be checked out.  



 






zaterdag 15 juni 2024

Educational Transfer


 

It is been rough and tough and it is been a great adventure and also lots of fun…I have had that one school year that many of us once in a while you have…the one that comes along every few years…the one that you just hope will not pop up unexpected…the one that just makes you wonder why in the world you did sign up for education…yip…I had the dreaded one year at work.  Now before you are jumping to conclusions do not get any ideas that this is anything to with having to deal with little monsters and helicopter dads and/or tiger mums. Nope nothing of that kind.

Rather picture Stallie having to just let go all her plans she made and live from a day to day basis. Expect the worse, hope for the best wa my mantra at most days.  Believe me that it has been quite an eventful year in which I just did imagine things a bit different.  And although I am a Capricorn and can not always deal that well with change I do consider myself rather experienced enough to deal with the ins&outs of an academic year.  Still…there are the exceptional years that kind push me to the limits…and so I have been trying to summarise it in a nice way what I have been facing and all I can come up with is the word ‘an eventful year with many challenges’.

That one TO DO-list I made at the beginning of the year with all my aspirations and hopes and wishes that I had for my department I mentally binned within three weeks in.  Oh yes, I had hoped that perhaps things would end up going smoother once Oktober would show up on the calendar but it turned out that I just had to go with the flow.  The thing is that due to this that all the other things that happened within this year I not fully got to enjoy.

Work high jacked me and it made me go a bit in overdrive mentally. Yes, I was fully aware that the first year without U would be tough.  Still I had no idea that it would force me to end up doing things that made me feel a bit out of control.  Plus that I seemed to have the impression that many around me just expected me to just get on with it. What I did but it took a lot of energy from me and even made me wonder if I was doing things wrong.

This school year I have been dealing with hormones that make me rather feel like an out of control teenager in combination with having to mentor.  I felt a bit as if I was walking on thin ice on a daily  basis and with climate change you do know that falling through is always a possibility.  Stallie tried very hard to keep her mood going strong but I have lost it more than once and nope I am not proud of that. What surprised me the most was that I had imagined that I could deal with this but ended up having more than once a kind of ‘crash and burn’- sensation rather than walking on top of the world.  

Privately I therefor ended up just filling up my weekends with the things that needed to get done and trying to reload my batteries before  going back in.  That some teachers give up and suddenly decide that they need to quit I totally get. The thing is that I am also proud of myself that I did get through it in one piece.  I might have some tears and feel as if every drop of energy got squeezed out of my system but …I am still standing.

That I love my job and especially the young minds is what keeps me going strong.  Yes, I had this year some challenging kids but looking over my shoulders I can even state that I did manage to connect with each one in a positive manner. Yes, these moments are energy boosts and this year I had a lot of successes inside of the classroom that I am very proud of. That I did manage to get some children do get on with their work even when they first were very reluctant. Oh yes, I had to express once in a while that I was disappointed or even felt a bit less hopeful.  That is the nature of the beast that I am.  

Oh yes, those moments have kept me going and never ever forsake why I still think that teaching and education are what makes me fully committed to the one shot I get at being alive. Yes, I have been saying this over and over again but it are school years as this that will make me extremely happy that I did that one day in July after failing many exams during my first year at uni decided to change majors and even colleges.

It is one of the first impactful decisions I ever made and I had to wait for a very long time that my dad understood why I did refuse to go back.  It is been the path that I had chosen to walk on all by myself and hoping that it would bring me happiness, joy and also lots of hope. Hope that could make the difference on a rainy day or even stormy week or month.
There have been many joyful teaching moments but honestly it is are mostly the ones that are also  take you by total surprise.  After all these years that I have been spending on the teaching grounds I still underestimate what the impact of a teacher can be.  Oh yes, I even have one of these rather cliché teaching quotes illustrated by Mary Engelbreit in my office standing on a filing cabinet. Still..these quotes make me sometimes wonder if they have just been created for the sake of them.  There is so much that makes my job very challenging and not that straight forward that questioning them is not that hard.

The thing is that there are these very extra ordinary times that your students just take your off guard when they share with you that one thing that makes your heart beat faster.  This year it was the moment that one of my Year 4 learners came to see me while I was get packed for the next lesson:’C, do you know what…I went to a ice cream place this weekend.’ Me:’Oh really, did you have fun.’  There was a part of me who was rather thinking about my so needed coffee/toilet break and was heading for the door but then this happened. ‘C, I ordered my ice cream in Dutch.’ When I looked up in was staring in the face of a child with the biggest smile you can imagine. ‘Oh wow…well done!’, I replied and within me there was a very intense  and warm feeling brewing.  ‘My parents were not able to do so but I was.’, the student added.  ‘How did that make you feel?’, I asked the student. ‘Happy…’,was the reply.  ‘Hey..give me a high five I added.’, and we touched hands and before I knew the student skipped with a happy step.

While heading for my coffee I felt so alive and connected with what I always wanted to be and hoped to be for the ones I have under buy educational wings. That it after more than 25 years still happens and that I do seem to get students to use what they learn inside a classroom in a different setting and without me being around makes me feel rather proud but foremost very happy. The transfer of skills is a very important step in the learning process and that students share this moment with me makes me feel very connected with them and at the same time I feel grounded.

No…it has not been the school year I had planned for and and I had to deal with a lot of big and even some rather unexpected change.  I am very tired and and I need this break even more than I needed it the last few years and yes I look very much forward to being nobody’s teacher for a few weeks. I am very much looking forward to my summer read stack and I can’t wait to try out a few new cocktail recipes.  And at the same time I already look forward to the next academic school year…The best way to describe it is that I am about to the throw off the warm and cozy blanket that I got used to having wrapped around me while being out there in class rooms and being on campus and looking forward to trying a new one that withholds many surprises.

I wish all my fellow colleagues and teaches around the globe who have their summer break heading their way a great a rejuvenating break.  You all deserved..there is no doubt about that!  After all now it is your turn to do some transfer of skills out side the classroom. Have fun…and please wear sun screen! 


 



maandag 20 mei 2024

La Dolce Vita

 
 


Sweet Italian delights…crispy layers of tingling memories that cover up your heart
‘La vita é dolce!’, Italians whisper in the sweet perfume that lingers around many majestic towers during summer.
Scopes of luscious gelato, a piece of crispy tarte della nonna, numerous bottles of vino rosso to fill up your glass
Every bite or sip turns into a voyage to something beyond
No word that can describe what it feels like and tastes within when it hits your core
It feels lighter than anything that you ever have experienced

You are mesmerised by the effect and wish it to be everlasting and never-ending
You suddenly feel hypnotised and wonder why you never noticed how deep this sense can travel
You desperately hope that this is not just a split second but rather a sensation that will last a life time
You pick up every single item delicately and keep your senses open wide
You close your eyes and produce sounds that spill it all but only can be heard when you put your ear close to mine
You look upon the sky and hope to find there the secret recipe that you have been looking for ages
You open your eyes and look around to see if anyone is around who feels exactly like you do;

But then it hits you…

It is a false pretence to say that life is ‘dolce’ when it suddenly turns out to be rather bittersweet
There is a lot to be told about those dishes that rather taste as if someone has poured sadness into them.
Salt and pepper seem to have an advantage over vanilla, rosewater, orange blossoms and violet candies.  
The sharpness of these spices open up the rough side of your pallet
The part within your life that cuts deep and leave behind salty marks
They extinguish in no time when you have tried to sugar coat so many times with cinnamon and cardamon
Without no doubt you feel out of sync and you do wonder if it al was just a delusion

All the lemons, raspberries and apricots are suddenly a life time away and you do long
to be back in the shadow of the towers of San Gimignano

It is there that you have left behind that one memory that you now long for
Deep down you do know that you have to let go and and give in to the salt and pepper aftertaste the cooking time it deserves
but not without first trying to travel back to the exact moment that life all seemed perfect bliss and that every scoop of gelato withhold that one secret flavour that you just hoped to keep closer to your heart.

More and more I wonder if this is the dish that I was only once granted to order…
The aftertaste lingers around in my beloved memories…

Tonight I guess it is time for another scoop of ‘sorbetto al limone' in the hope to get as close as I can to that city filled up with towers in Tuscany where I tasted life at the fullest.

La vita é dolce quando é la perfetta…anche se fosse solo per un secondo!

P.S.: I have posted this today after been writing but not posting anything for a long time because I kind of lost my spark to do so...for sharing my writing with other feeling that in the end it are just my thoughts and my opinions but today a 87 year old one did ask me why I still do not just keep doing what I like doing and stop worrying about others might think about what I write.  Today I said goodbye to this exceptional lady who showed me in deeds that life is something you only get one go at and that you have to make it count.  She is the one who told me one day that she loves my writing and that I need to keep on writing no matter what.  Aunt M this one is for you...after all it was a bittersweet moment having to say goodbye to you knowing it was the final time before you exchange this life for what comes after it.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done and said...it matters it still maters...

 

 

 

 

dinsdag 2 januari 2024

Christmas Ruined

 

So…I ruined Christmas and the thing is that I just could not prevent it doing so.  Oh, yes I have felt totally run down before at this time and I have been dealing with the cliché meltdowns that tend to come along with filled up stores and parking lots of supermarkets.  In the past I have always managed to deal with these and adding them up to my list of Christmas preparations.  There is so much that can make me loose it and make me wonder if kind and patient Stallie moved to the Nord pole for the Christmas season. No surprises and not that I never try to be ahead of the game…I do but there is only as much as you can do and this year I found out.

I had been planning ahead of time all those things that you can and yes I did once again postpone the giftshopping but it also helped me to save out money and that is then what I rather would call a win-win situation.  One other thing that I ended up doing this season was making my holiday wreath instead of having my lovely friend H designing it.  I had fun making it with lovely friends and having a lovely glass of bubbly but that almost sums it up.  A few days ago I even asked my two beloved men to throw it out.  They looked at me if as I had lost it but hey can you blame me knowing that I just don’t feel Christmas inside of me.  Of course they refused but next year it will be H again who will have her wreath decorating our home.  

Now if this would have been all I had rather regrets about, then this would have been fine but about one week before we were to break up for the Christmas Hols I started to feel a bit under the weather.  I did try to fight back and I even did spend one day on the sofa and did rest up in the hope to fool the Christmas Gringe.  For a few days I felt rather fine although I did not attend a few of the annual Christmas get togethers because of feeling still a bit less upbeat and also having to deal with something at home that just took up all my mental space.  Christmas shopping was being delayed and I did not ended up going to one of the Christmas markets.  Just to be on the safe side… and my mental sanity.

When I then finally ended up in the seat of my hairdressers for my blow out and styling for Christmas Eve and Day festivities I felt okay and all the boxes on my to do list where almost ticked.  Last minute I even decided to drive to the one of the British stores and hoping to score some crackers.  I use these as a table decoration at my family Christmas dinner. You should have seen me when I managed to get one of the last boxes and that I even got to buy a nice Christmas bookpocket for 5 euros even topped that outing up.   Also I had packed up all the things and gifts to take home two days ahead of time so that nobody would have to stress.  Stallie did stick to her list and nailed it! Hurray and I have now deserved a nice Orla Kiely bag for Christmas…internet here we come!

It was a very wet, dark and windy Christmas Eve and Peter had volunteered to go and get our dinner.  Still I decided to go along and I felt a bit less okay when we go home.  It was very hard to shake it off but I did manage to keep smiling and dove into the kitchen.  The food was lovely and none of the dishes hard to prepare and I did manage to do the dishes the night itself and not having to ignore them the morning after, what then causes the equivalent of a major hangover without having been drunk.  Still I felt suddenly cold and I even started to have chills and no appetite for dessert!   I changed into my Christmas pjs in a record time and prayed that this was not going to be what I did think it was.

In the morning I woke up and I just knew…no Christmas Day for Stallie.  I did look a bit pale, my nose was blocked, coughed a bit, had a splitting headache and my body did hurt all over and I felt so depressed and anxious.  There is no other way of describing myself then feeling horrid.  The thing was that my fellow housemates had the inclination to think that I did exaggerated.  I dragged myself to two bakeries to pick up the Christmas dinner dessert and our breakfast rolls and that in the pouring rain and wind.  Inside all my usual Christmas feels and memories seemed to have evaporated. Instead all I wanted to do was cry and feel sorry for myself.

By the time I had sat down for my cappuccino and my well deserved croissant (I have been cutting down on sweets and other delights and I had not bough one singel croissant for months) P thought it was the excellent moment to start to have rant of being the house a total mess (guess that Virgin Mary would even have declined politely to spend the night in our house) and that he just did not get it that I did not get the message that eating croissants or pain au chocolate was the worst thing I could do!  A few minutes later he managed to put the cherry on top of the cake by saying the following: ‘You are normally Christmas in this house and now you ruined it!’, he yelled at me.  

I sat there at the kitchen table and I had just no energy anymore and I started to cry.
“Why don’t you take a painkiller?’ and ‘That is when you hardly exercise..’ were a few of the other nice pieces of advice I got catapult at me.  All I could do was shrug and by the minute I felt worse.  When both of them had left the kitchen (nope not cleaned up)  I managed to sneak  upstairs and next I had to do the unthinkable cancel Christmas Day dinner at my family. The moment my mum picked up the phone the tears just poured out of me.  ‘Oh dear…you sound not okay C. You need to take of yourself.  We do need the food you prepared but when can figure that out.’  After a five minute teary conversation I went back down and called Christmas to a total stand still.  

The looks I got from my two men were priceless and that one of them had a medical degree and was still declaring painkillers the key to salvation at that point was beyond me.  Partners of medical personal you must feel my pain…we first have to drop death before we are taken serious!  I then started to write short instructions for my son and my family that went along with the food and other packed goodies.  P seemed to come a bit to his senses and after I had packed everything into his car he get in and drove with A to my family.   It was now officially: the driving home for Christmas was something that was not going to happen this year and I was going to spend mine on the sofa in the company of painkillers, tissues and a thermometer.  

The following two days I just have been trying got keep my fever under control and trying to catch some sleep. I did manage to keep my Duolingo Strike going and I also unwrapped the gifts that A  brought back from home. But Christmasy I did not feel at all…sick, ill, sad, disappointed , unloved and misunderstood…and tons of other negative sensations were rather running wild throughout my system.  My diet consisted out of water and painkillers and some toast crumbs.  I guess that I had the most low calorie Christmas Day dinner ever.  

It took me till Thursday to get back on my feet and I even canceled other social engagements because I just couldn’t face the music or Christmas cheer. Inside Christmas seemed to have moved on and had already been boxed it up for another year.  When my mother called to check up on me and told  that I had been missed it made me feel a tiny bit better but not much. ‘Take good care of yourself and you need to rest or you will be down again in a few days.’, she told me.  That is exactly what I am trying to do but this one is a sticky one and refuses to let go of me.  Yet…

At the moment I am still coughing and not 100% on the same page as most of the people around me.  I don’t feel like planning ahead due to threading to relapse.  A friend of mine told me that up to three times she was back down before she was back on the right track.  I’m now down to two and that cough that I will not easily shake off.  Sorry if you over the next weeks run into to me and ask me how our Christmas has been…it is one to rather not to remember and that I hopefully will recover soon from.  

Nope…2023 was in many ways rather challenging and at the moment my hormones also seem to have very wild plans for the year to come. In the year to come will be happy that I will get through an other school year in once piece and that my plans for my special birthday will not be intervened by a sick bug or nasty cold. Oh please don’t start me now on the Gaza and Ukraine…I am not living under a rock while I was on the sofa fighting my fever off! Believe me! Okay…let me have now a piece of the ice cream Christmas log I had ordered for Christmas Eve without having to feel that guilty…Okay…thank you.   

I do hope sincerely that you all had yourself a little merry Christmas that you were after and that 2024 will be the year that there will be many happy tidings heading your way.  Guess we will have to all bite through a sour apple now and then in the year to come but then I do hope their will be heaps of hope and empathy around as well.  Best wishes of Stallie to you all.