'Dear, you always take things so personal! That is the part of you that has not changed what so ever!', my mum was so kind to point out. Mothers, they can be so straight forward even when you call them after one of these crushing scenes that just took place. 'Yeah, mum, I know that I should not but.... blah blah blah', was my rather cliché reply. After a 10 minute talk (way too short) she told me she had to go and get lunch ready for my brother J &Co who were paying her visit. Before I knew my busy mother was of the phone and I was facing still the mental crime scene and not knowing what to do.
I was so tempted to send N a text message but she is for the moment hanging out in Paris. I then picked out my sis. Not that I expected her to get back to me asap! By the time P called to meet up @ Foodlion for some last minute shopping I was staying over at the dark side. While picking out a birthday cake for A his lovely spanish cousin A, who we were going to have over for her first birthday, I gave P one of my so well known speeches that I am so fed up with this.
Hey, some things you never seem to get the hang of or rid of . Even when you think having composed a very straight forward list to live by. There seem to be always loopholes and there are always people that are waterproof or immune when it comes to mindfullness! I do still get hurt the most by the same person (and this over and over again) when it comes down to a certain aspect of my life. Believe me, I have tried to mend fences. Even considered some very drastic changes involving my own personality.
Over and over again it is this one little hiccup that manages to invade my mind and then I get so drama queen like. Stallie then would fit right into one of those B-rated crime movies in which a 30-something is trying to reshape her personal welfare by committing the perfect criminal act. Next she moves to the other end of the universe in order to start a new life under a false identity. Surprise, surprise,she then happens to fall in love with a fab gorgeous looking FBI-agent (would prefer Mathew Mcconaughey playing that part!!) who then convinces her there is so much more to life then she ever imagined. Of course just before putting on her wedding slippers she then gets very remorseful and then decides to tell him the truth..... Do I need to go on... Don't think so.
But stil this never-ending-emotional-story does cause me heart pain. P fails (in my honest personal opinion) also over and over again to make it a bit eassier on me. To take a stand when I feel there is an urgent need that he does this. Up till now he has not lived up to my (perhaps insane & illogical) high expectations. It is not that he has not tried to pump some useful advice into me but what seems to work for him is not good enough for me!
After nine years I still seem not to be able to put this in the right perspective. Even when there are moments that I do think that I got to the point where I seem to be able to deal with it in a very grown up way. And that it can't invade my mind uninvited. These are the days, weeks, months that I feel rather relieved and assume that we have come a truce. That we can face each other and letting bygones be bygones.
Today, once more I found out the hard way that we have not still come to that point! Today, the band aid once more got ripped of and started the just healed cuts once more dripping. Today, my blood managed once more to start racing against the speed of light and my heartbeat would have enabled to get Doctor Mc Dreamy or Doctor C. Cullen paged!
Now that the champagne glasses are washed by hand , the good table ware got stored away, the napkins and other table linnens have moved on to the laundry basket, the dishwasher is filled up to the brim and the last crumbs of the birthday cake have been hoovered away, I am sitting out her in my couch watching 'Hannibal'! Don't worry it won't bring me on any ideas but agent Clarice Sterling her Gucci little black dress and dito gorgeous high heels I would have loved to get my hands on! Guess, that an emergency shopping trip is going to be once more the perfect way to re-apply once more the disinfectant and a colorful (just got the Ice Age 3-design) band aid!
After all, I am a big girl now and don't need my mum anymore to do this the right way!! But the kisses she used to give on top of these little cuts and bruises were the best after care ever!!
'Keep your clever lines
Hold your easy rhymes
Silence everything
Silence always wins
It’s a perfect alibi
There’s no need to analyze
It will be all right
Through the longest night
Just silence everything'
(source: A-ha, Foot of the Mountain)
P.S.: My sweetest band aid of the night was this:
www.dolcegabbana.com/dg/perfumes/the-one-gentleman/man/
Just love guys in tux, La Dolce Vita and the smooth voice of Mathew! And yes,'When you know who you are, there is nothing to proof!'
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