The Speechless Postman

This is an exhausted speechless teacher who just is a bit lost for the moment. Not that I take personal what happened or at least I try not. But my body tells me that I have been suffering a bit the last few days. Not that I am giving up because the last month before summer break is about to start and then I need to be on top of things.

While being a bit less active speechwise I then suddenly find the time to check out the website of my former balletschool where I am planning to go back after this summer. I even mailed them today to ask them to keep me up to date in order to sign up for lessons next dance season. The Pilates lessons are also a fact and I can tell you that they sometimes hurt like h***. This is getting serious, don't you think so?

But the pics and videos I got to see while hanging out there turned me even more speechless but then with a smile on my face. I even happened to recognise some faces. Most of them look older but it were all dancing faces and these don't need words to get their message across.

Now that I come to think of it my last live public performance was not only on music but also on words. Words that got to me and were able to touch my soul. This music took me to a very nice sunny island where the post is brought by a very nice postman who is not that articulate with words. He therefor then calls in the help of the talented poet Pablo Neruda. Tears are rolling down my cheeks while this one is on.

But you can be assured these are tears of joy and remembering the very good times I had out there with the 'older' ladies on stage. I have not listened to this one for over 8 years because it like opening one of the final doors. So today the postman stopped by and brought me this message and it silences me....


Words are strong, they can break you down
But I try to forget
to feel relaxed and rest
I go into my thoughts in my imagination
And though days may be tough,
I'm rocked by sweet illusions
And I try to hear the leaves moving slowly on the wind's melody
And I try to see the beauty of the sunshine hiding behind the sea
But they shout and they argue
and everyone talks so loud
And my head is aching and painful, too
So hush, don't say a word
Hush and the storm will stop
Hush, there's too much noise for me
Please don't say a word

- Clémence Dufrasne

Teacher In Combat

Stallie is a teacher. And she likes her profession. But after 13 years spending in front of the black board I wonder if the job description I did sign up for at time is still up. I doubt it. One look over my shoulders at the end of the day and I know that more then ever I am more then just a person who is pouring some knowledge into the brains of fierce teenagers.

But did I ever sign up for that when I decided to go for that teaching degree? Let me think, let me think very hard. Uhm, hard to say. In the first place my intention was rather to make sure that kids got to learn something new. When I then decided that special ed was the audience I prefered above A-level students I was aware of some pitfalls. This teacher was very aware that she was going to have to deal with a lot more then just unfinished homework assignments and teenagers who did not seem to care about school...

But lately I have a bit of a hard time to link my job description to what I seem to be doing more and more:

- I am told more and more that I am in command of children their well being and this on all fronts. Even my own pupils tell me. They even consider me 2nd in command after their parents. So that then means that I am so to speak their lieutenant general. And those do yell once in time to get their point across.

- I have to be prepared to be called less nice names. Kids are very creative in coming up with 'funny' names when they want to get your attention. They just then seem to forget that words do hurt. Okay, I do put on a bullet proof vest before I go into my classroom.

- I face more and more pupils who seem to have a very hard time to combine school, friends, family and free time. Many times entering my classroom feels like I am entering a minefield. In some cases I can find the detonator in time to make sure that there don't take place some major explossions in my classroom. Unfortunately I do sometimes miss by an inch or is the bomb that intelligent planted that I do miss the signs and just have to face the bloodshed and the casualties. All that is then left for me to do is calling in the medic and hoping he can patch them up in no time.

- I am not always considered their best friend and not popular. Especially by the ones who I keep telling that they should pay attention. The more I point out that it is important to keep all your senses open, keep your material ready for battle and make sure that you keep fit by going to bed before midnight and store away in time or shut down all electronic devices because if you do not then your worst enemy might find you in no time: exhaustion.

- There are even days that I have to deal with mutiny. My troops then have the tendency to turn against me. Order in the classroom is then hard to find and then I need to be negotiator. Cautiousness is then my biggest alley out there on the battlefield but still I might end up losing a few of my best soldiers out there. Some of them never return 'home' and decide to keep hanging out the edge of 'nobody's land'.

- More and more I am engaged into battle with the invissible enemy. I sometimes go blind and need tons of high tech protection gear to make sure that I get unharmed out of a battle. Because even my own troops do not always trust me. They then decide to keep things to themselves and then forget that this causes also chaos. Communication is in the heat of the battle the key to victory. So when one soldier then decides to ignore commands and instructions then it is no wonder we are about to lose some gained terrority. But I must say that fighting with night vision googles on is rather tiring and that I sometimes just need to let go.

- Having to call in other troops when my tactics seem to fail. I then need to call in the Green Barrets because these special forces then need to engage in something that I still seem to fail at. And believe me 'search&rescue, security assistence, peacekeeping, humanitarian assistence and demining, psychological operations, manhunts and counter-drug operations are nowadays actions that do take place in a schoolbuilding.

- Facing court martial once in a while. Some of my best soldiers sometimes make me end up in court. First we try to settle the issue behind closed doors and does my attorney advice me to stay calm and not lose it all together. I then give them an other chance to show me what they are worth out there in the jungle or when having to face open fire. We then both dust of our combat boots and take a long hot shower in order to start over fresh.

Oh dear, it seems that I have signed up for the army rather for being a teacher. Okay, I hope you do know I am bit overreacting. But I do want to point out that I can't be just a Blue Helmet the whole time when I am out there trying to fight the teenage monsters and trying successful to finish any operation without losing anybody on the way. Armed with only chalk, an apple and a grading system I would not even make it through day 1!

BUT still.... I do hope that most of my pupils do trust me. Because yes, I do still will catch a granate for them when an enemy is throwing one at them. The biggest weapons I do have while I am out there are compassion and sympathy. I still feel responsible for each of them put under my command and so I do grant them many chances to get it right. I just hope that they also do realise once in a while that I also need to be granted a few extra shots to aim right and hit the bullseye! Because in the end I do need to make my pupil's targets and that is what counts the most to my general. So you better be ready for combat when entering my classroom!

On The Friendship Frontier

For the moment I am hanging out at the friendship frontier. It is a spot in my mind that I not go that often anymore because I have not always have got that much time to go there. In most cases I end up there because 'friends' make me bursting into that spot. And when I am standing at the edge of the border and wondering where to put a person, what label I am granting him or she I feel a bit out of tune. Because I then also face the fact that I have to miss many friends.

Like most of us I have got friends close by and in far of places. Some of them I hardly ever going to see and there are some even who I might never get to see. Because they just wish to stay alive in the Tweet-form. But lately I miss my friends that are not on Twitter and who are not very close by. People who are not active on social networks or not post that many pics on their Facebook account.

Through out the years I have made many friends and also lost a few. Sometimes it happens because time just catches up with you. You seem to lose each other out of sight and life treats you different in some aspects. This then creates gaps and some of them you can't seem to cross over anymore. You become strangers and in a way that is just the way life goes.

It is almost a painless act. For a split second you might realize one day that you have not seen,talked,mentioned, wondered about and many more acts about this specific person. He or she vanished out of your daily vocab and seems not to be worth the attention. Quite a natural act because life does that to you.

It happened to me a few times to me also in a rather painful way. People then just openly told me that the friendship is over. It is then you suddenly become very aware of the fact that even friendship is fragile and does come in many shapes and forms. I am a sensitive person and I care so that makes me also rather a vulnerable person. Not that I then started to fight back and try to make clear to these people that they were making a mistake.

Lately am very careful when it comes down to friendship. I do not trust anybody that easily more then a year ago. I learned my lesson quite well on the friendship front. And I am also finding out the hard way that you have to miss your best friends many times more then you have them close by. For the moment many friends!! Some of them don't live that far but others I need to board a plane for in order to see them.

I MISS THEM and I never know when we will meet again. Because time plays tricks on us and the future might take us even further apart. I have now friends living all over the globe and I feel very happy for them that life has been treating them well. I just wished for the moment that I had my own private jet. That when I am desperately in need of a heart to heart with a friend being over in a different time zone I can be there in no time. Now I sometimes have to settle for the answering machines and Facebook walls and to be honest that ain't just not good enough.

The ones I have close by I just don't tell enough that I am very grateful to still wanting to hang out with me, putting up with my complaints and other less fun mood swings and much more less funny moments that you might have second thaughts about being friends with me. Sometimes I wonder if I am out there hanging over the edge of the friendship gap! ;-) I can't just put down in a few words what you all mean to me.

'Hom-pom-pom', is humming Wolf, 'Hi Lamb. What a nice weather?'
'Homof', knort Lamb
'Realy weather for being in a good mood.', says Wolf. 'Hom-pom-pom.'
'Humpf.', grumbles Labm. He is sitting at a little table in front of his house.
'Are you in a bad mood?', Wolf asks.
'Yes,' says Lamb? 'Because of this letter.'
On the table there is lying a sheet of paper.
'What kind of letter?', asks Wolf.
'My letter to you,' says Lamb.
'For me?', yells Wolf. 'Awesome! I never get mail. Never ever.'
'No. Because you won't even get my letter,', says Lamb.
'What a pitty,' says Wolf. 'Why not?'
'It does not work,' yells Lamb. 'Beacause I can't write.'
'No,' says Wolf. 'Then it won't work. What a pitty about my mail.'
'But I do want to write that letter,' screams Lamb. 'Because I do know what is in that letter.'
'What does it say?'
'Dear Wolf,' says Lamb. 'I write you this letter. Because I am very happy.'
'No,' says Wolf, ' you aren't. You are angry.'
'First I was happy,' says Lamb. 'Don't talk in between my letter.'
'Okay,' says Wolf.
'I am happy,' continues Lamb, 'because I will see you later. Or I will you see you a bit later, in case I won't see you later. But I do see you today. Because you are here. And I am here. I like it when you are here.'
'What a nice letter,' Wolf whispers.
'Realy?', wonders Lamb.
'The nicest letter I ever got,' says Wolf.
'Realy?', asks Lamb.
Wolf takes the paper from the table.
'This letter I am going to keep, Lamb,' he says.
'Realy?', asks Lamb.
'For the rest of my life,'says Wolf.
'Hom-pom-pom-pom,' is humming Lamb. 'Do you notice what kind of weather it is today, Wolf? Nice weather, ain't it? For sure weather for being in a good mood.'(source: 'Brief' by Ben Kuipers, 'De kracht van woordjes 2', p.22-23)

Blood Into The Open!

Uhm, uhm... I guess that I have some explaining to do. After posting that last entry it seems that I have scared the hell out of some people. Sorry about that! I had not the intention to do so but if I am not mistaken I had already pointed out that I would only post it if I knew what was going on.

Because for quite some time I did not. Don't start calling me now a freak or such. I am not the type to run to a doc the moment I start to sneeze or feel an itch somewhere. I am blessed with having my own 'Carlisle Cullen'-inhouse doc. This comes in very handy in case of certain medical emergencies. And yes, P does calm me down when I think that I have something lethal. I do trust my other significant on that part blindly but this time it was a bit different.

Since January I am losing weight. Or at least that is when I started to notice that I was losing it. People who happen to know me in the flesh can witness that the Stallie 10 years ago looked quite different then the one they had to deal with ever since my son was born. Not that I wished to call me obese but according to my private doc there was some work to be done.

So turns out that I did take care of that in a very convincing way because suddenly people around me started to notice. At work, at A his school, friends and family were pointing out to me that something had changed about me. Now, I am not good in dealing with compliments. In a way I don't know how to deal with them. Sometimes I even think that people don't mean what they say when they pay me a compliment. And as long as P was not noticing anything remarkable about my body I just did think that they all were overreacting.

I have to be honest that the moment I got to buy my newest pair of dark blue cool Tommy Hilfiger-jeans it was the best feeling ever. For over 10 years I had not bought new jeans. Shopping is fun but fitting clothes takes time and I always feel a bit tensed when I know that there are 2 over energetic men waiting outside. And I also hated the fact that I had to ask in most cases for a bigger size. Self confidence killer. So, mission 'weight lose' accomplished you must be thinking. Happy ending for Stallie! Huray get the champagne out because the 'old' Stallie is back. Still,...

Well, since a few weeks I was paying attention to my body a bit more. I noticed I had blue spots on my legs and arms. Not just one or two but I had the impression that I had walked into a white van once more. I am tempted to call my self a bit the Twilight character 'Bella Swan' when it comes down to clumsyness. I can walk into doors, hit everything that stands still and stair cases even only the ones consisting out of two or three stairs can make me trip and then hit something that is in the way. But still...

I also was experiencing a rash that I could not put my finger on. And I had also sometimes this rather tingling sensation in my hands and feet. My hands were also kind of shaky at some moments. I did not feel that happy when I then did that one thing that some docs hate their patients doing. Stallie went on the internet and starting to google most of these out- and inside symptoms. Not that I told P or any befriended doc I was doing so. Because most of them are very sensitive about patients playing diagnostists themselves. But I don't think that I need to tell you that the word 'cancer' was a constant hit when I was googling away.

And after days of contemplation I did call my GP to get the blood out in the open. I now wanted to know if I was in my blood as fine as I felt. Because yes, I feel great and more alive then ever. But there is this kind of fatalistic touch to my brain. It was also my GP who for the first time mentioned the word cancer out loud. It made a shiver go down my spine while he said so and was sucking out blood in tubes. He did try to calm me down but the seed was already planted into my mind. Stallie her brain was already in over drive.

So by the time I got home I was running wild and could not relax anymore and then I had two options. Start calling people or write is down to get it out of my system. The first option I did not prefer because I did not 'openly' want to talk about it. Like I was then opening Pandora's Box. So I then decided to go for the blog.

Seems that I just had forgotten that also on there people 'listen'. People read my blog and some of these people seem to care about me. I am not on my own out there in the blogger-world. I admit that I had doubts about posting it but it are still words that do so well describe what I was feeling the last few days. I was running scared!

I am not anymore. I am fine. Believe me because I believe it. My blood tells me so and it told me even much more then I hoped for. I am declared healthy. On top of that I have now got a very cool plastic card with my blood type on it. Today I can go and pick up my results in a envelop.

Tonight I will hand them over to P and he will then roll his eyes. Next he will tell me once more that I should stop acting like a fool and start trusting him when it comes down to these things. Perhaps he then will call me a hypochondriac! Serves me right! But I had my very personal reasons to get this blood out in the open.

Perhaps I needed proof black on white to finish up my mental make-over. Putting to an ultimate test what I have been practicing now. I am trying to get used to the Stallie that now can walk around in the jeans that she considered out of reach and the one who this week was standing in front of her old ballet school. Next time I am ready to walk in there and then tell them that I am back and this time for real. My blood is going to run wild on the dance floor!

Running Scared

Yes, I am scared for the moment.

...

I can not talk with many about what I feel like for the moment.
I think that it even might bring bad luck if I do and that even writing about is like opening up Pandora's box. Still...

...

It scares the hell out of me.

...


I am facing at least 24 hours of waiting and hoping that my 6th sense has let me down for once.
I don't wish to be always right when it comes down to internal feelings and emotions.
I try not to check my body for outside signs of what I think might be going on inside of me.
For once I wish to ignore my internal radar.
Every minute that I happen to forget about what might be going on deep inside of me I do feel a bit more relieved.
I might pray tonight once for my own sake.
I hope that P is for once so damn right that I am overreacting like I do when it comes down to this.
I want time to go once faster then ever and that the moon will be having a soothing effect on me.

...

All I can do is sit here and wait for that the clock tells me that the time has come to pick up the phone and to dial that one phone number. In order to find out what I can not see and feel because that is what blood does. It hides the secret code of life and at the same time it is the bearer of good and bad news.

...

Yes, I am scared for the moment.


P.S.1: I am only going to post this entry when I have found out what is going on with me. But it has been writen at a moment that I did think that I might be facing something that does scare the hell out of me. I have seen what it does to a human body.

P.S.2: There are two songs that I think fitting to along with this entry. First of all Dido her 'Everything To Lose'. A song that is on the soundtrack of 'Sex and the City 2'. The lyrics go much deeper then the average conversation Carrie has got with her friends in this rather tacky movie. But then, don't have many songs got a double meaning?
The second song I decided to chose the winner of Eurovision 2011 to end up here as well. It is a love ballad and it is for sure not my personal favorite (I love the Italian song above all! ;-) ) but it does reflect the feelings I am experiencing for the moment.

In A Dark Wood Wandering

All that goes up has to come down at a certain moment of time. And yes, it is my time. Okay, so this then means that all the things I have been posting about mindfullness and feeling rather positive now are going to be tested. BIG TIME!!! I refuse to let the demons back in and I am kicking back. Very hard! I just hope that they get the message. I am not going back there where I have been spending quite some time. I refuse to let the negative energy becoming the major force in my mind and beyond.

Is is always easy to state that you are a true believer in 'Mindfullness' and such when things are going smooth and according to plan. Then you seem to have found the way of dealing with thunderstorms and other less appealing ingredients. I do hear often the comment about lifestyle books that they are only working when your life is blissful. What if you hit the wall, or face a constant fear or sensation of pain?

Uhm, 'the proof of the pudding is in the eating', is one of my personal favorite English expressions. So yes, most of these theories can only be proofed successful when you face the less nice sides of life. I am now facing troubled times and moments that I will seem to have the impression that nothing goes according to plan. There will be people around me who will try to crawl back into my mind and take possession of it. Liking it or not. I know the signs and feel them. My body tells me very straight forward what is going on inside of my mind.

I can try to ignore those signs. Act like nothing is happening. Then I can put on my sunglasses and just try to walk through the dark forest. And then just hope that I will not have walk into one of these traps. Very easy and very safe. But then the past told me that your faith always meets up with you. Sooner or later you have to face it.


In the past I have been always very envious of:
-people who seem have found the ability to face the consequences of their choices or can go with the flow.
-people who seem to take things less personal or not give into the dark side.
-people who seem to have found the ultimate tool to call the shots at any time. -people who always act according to their believes, values and principles.
-people who are perfectly in balance and this even when there is a major crises going on.
-people who are the boss of their own emotions.
-people who can deal with loss, pain and heartache without bugging anyone else about it.

But then I have found out that most of these people also have their own demons. They just seem to be hiding them a bit better then the more emotional type. It is sometimes strange to find out that the 'stronger' personality you meet up also have got their flaws. They have got the ultimate camouflage technique and walk around on this globe hoping that no one will ever find out.

Now, I try to find alternative ways of dealing with this nearing mind-attack. Yes, I am scared and I am already bugging P and some other friends about what I am experiencing. I also know that P is hoping that he won't have to face the 'same' Stallie over again. He must have been suffering as well. Because it is not always a walk through Central Park with me. I must say that I am very grateful to him that he is still putting up with me.


A few days ago he was also the one who said out loud what I already had been saying to some other people who are facing the same challenge as I do. 'Nothing will be the same anymore. Things have changed. Some might not know yet but sooner or later they will find out that you can not always turn back time!' So I guess that while I am walking through the dark woods I will encounter other 'lost' souls. Some might not know yet that they have entered the dangerous zone where they will be tested others will find a true alley in me in order to walk out with a smile on their face.

P.S.1: My favorite part of Dante is very long and complex poem 'Inferno' by Dante is this part. It does for sure state what I feel like when I enter my 'dark forest'.


" Midway upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straight-forward pathway had been lost.

Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
Which in the very thought renews the fear.

So bitter is it, death is little more;
But of the good to treat, which there I found,
Speak will I of the other things I saw there.

I cannot well repeat how there I entered,
So full was I of slumber at the moment
In which I had abandoned the true way.

But after I had reached a mountain's foot,
At that point where the valley terminated,
Which had with consternation pierced my heart,

Upward I looked, and I beheld its shoulders,
Vested already with that planet's rays
Which leadeth others right by every road." (source: Inferno, Canto 1, Dante)

P.S. 2: This is perhaps a very strange music choice to go along with this entry. But still in most cases the darker moments in my life do hit me right between the eyes. And yes in this clip the the Twin Towers of NYC are still there. And yes, I try to fight back with my biggest weapon ever: LOVE!!!

Backup In The Mind And Beyond!

I have been out for quite some time. And have tons of excuses to explain why not a single entry showed up. Mostly the weather is to blame. The last few weeks Belgium seems to be rather the South of France. I already have that light tan in my face that only shows up around June. Nice!

In a way the last few weeks were so busy that I just could not find the time to blog. Also there were the clichés popping up. Like the first of May that always makes me feel very fragile. For once I just fought back against the urge of diving into my keyboard and just went by the flow that day.

And other valuable excuse is that I am so much wrapped up in living that I just can not find the right words to express what I feel. I don't know if it makes sense but I for sure have mentioned before that there are moments that I can feel the rush of adrenaline racing through my veins. It is then like a red Ferrari is racing through my body and that I do feel so strong that I am even tempted to just beat any speed record. Do I make sense? Uhm, doubt it.

Not that I then behave like the pink Energizer Bunny. Nope. You might even find me more then ever in churches or other silent havens to take some time out and contemplate. Because in combination with the visits I pay to A his practice is there that I have found out the following facts about me, myself and I:

- I am one of these social animals that needs breaks and space.
- I am one of these people that goes to the movies on her own.
- I am one of these human beings who likes to wander around in a city all by herself and with only an iPod Nano as company.
- I am the one who you might meet up in a museum all by herself dreaming away in front of a painting.
- I am visiting churches in order to find out where that stronger divine force is hanging out there that I am after and lighten tons of candles.
- I am not afraid to go into a brasserie by myself and order a nice dessert and enjoy every single bite of it without any guilt.
- I am dancing away in the kitchen when nobody can see me. Unless my Scottish neighbour is out there with his binoculars.
- I am sometimes taking pictures of very strange objects and strangers because they catch my attention. So you better say cheese when I try to frame you with my camera.
- I am able to walk into bookshops and not buy a single book but still have smell a story.
- I am happy when other people are happy. This feeling can already be triggered by many things and people. You might be one of them!!!

I could go on for hours but I also have found out some gloomy facts about myself. This list is also long and distinguished. Trust me, I am not very proud of myself when they come to the surface. But hey, I am only human. The last few months I have been fighting back and trying to find the balance I am after.

People around have noticed for sure the difference. You can see it. No doubt about it. Yes, I have not only been dragging along weight in the litural sense but also n the one. Weight that I got rid of. It was the best feeling ever to walk into a shop to fit into a pair of jeans that you did think was out of reach or to fit back into those nice stylish pants that you wore when you were 10 years younger. I gave me a kick.


But there is more then just the outside of Stallie that is changing. Not that I am having planned a total inner make over of my inner self. Some things will never change. These are just me and part of my innerself. Because I have found that in a way I am the one who is calling the shots.

In the course of this process I also have found out that am surrounded by many people who care about me and give me lots of advice. I hope from the bottom of my heart that most of these people will keep on doing that. Because I need that as well to function well.

But still, I am the only one who can make it happen. Scary at times and I can tell you that the day that I decided to walk into the attic and search for that one box where my toeshoes and other ballet things were stored away I was shaking. That day I had to keep up a happy face when I found out that strangely enough all was gone.

Seems that there was once a Stallie that decided to throw away her toeshoes and ballet cloths. Strangely enough I can not even remember that act. It seems like it was erased from my mind. And yes, I did shed a few tears because of this. I just could not imagine that I had once functioned in that way. Like I had been a stranger.

Perhaps I had already made up my mind that ballet was the past because it was linked to feelings, emotions, events, a personality that I had considered the definite past. Well, was I wrong! And now I am facing shoppping with my sister for new dancing outfits and searching a ballet school where they let in an older lady with stiff muscles.

Where do I lately find the strength to face the consequences of this act and some other now foolish looking ones? Because some people have asked me the last few months what my secret recipe is, what do I do differently then before, and what I have done in order to find the inner strength to move on and face my destiny. Well, that is not easy to answer because it is a personal process. What works for me might not work for you.

I am tempted to call it 'Mindfullness' but I am trying to cook my own recipe instead of just following the onz that you can find in one of the many books or the workshops. But if I am allowed to give you perhaps some useful tips that might work for you then I gladly copy the list I read recently in a women's magazine. These are the 7 steps you have to follow according to a psycologist Brenda Shoshanna to get some rest into your busy and chaotic mind:

1. Have the courage to be the person you realy are. So don't imitate or fake your personality. In the long run the real one will catch up with you.

2. Embrace change. It might be a very conforting thaught that everything can stay and should stay the way it is. But the natural way of life is about change in many forms and

3. Be prepared for the unexpected. Fear can be your worst enemy and can paralysize you. The best way coping with this is living by the cliché mantra that:'Action speaks louder than words'!!

4. Be once in a way vulnerable. Pain and getting hurt are not the best feelings ever but they are part of the human existence. If you try to avoid you might even miss out on a few nicer life experiences.

5. Love is the answer! Change your point of view when dealing with this. It is very simple to give into self hatred or hate. But what you see in others can also been seen by others.

6. Try to be less in control of things. You might wish to be behind the steering wheel on this voyage but once you accept that this is not always possible the richer you will consider your life.

7. Stop comparing yourself with others. Yes, the grass is always greener at the other side. But you are at one side and you might be going to stay there for a while. So you better try to make the best out of it. Otherwise you might end up all by yourself.

I have found out the very hard way in the past that most of these things seem so easy but that before you know you walk into a trap. The harder you then start to kick or start to feel sorry for yourself the longer it will take to find the peace of mind you are after.

On the way to 'salavation' I also found that you need others in this process. You need people that have got faith in you, cheer you on, keep you focused, give you once in a while a shoulder to cry on, let you be the person you are without showing prejudice, stay honest with even when it hurts, make you laugh out loud, can be quiet together with you, question your acts and behaviour, and do so much more then you ever hoped for.

Before A was born P called him 'Back-upje' ('tiny backup'). One look in his eyes and one hug work like a magic potion. And when he today kissed me goodbye at the school gate, walked in all by himself I then saw him making eyecontact with the teacher and he then said very clear:'GOODMORNING'! The smile and the answer he got of this teacher made me even smile more. While I walked back to my car I did feel that he is already backup for many around him. So trust me like stated in the great movie 'About A Boy':'We all need back up!!!' In what ever shape and form it may come.