donderdag 21 september 2017

Zen Hard To Come By



Okay here we go..I have been pondering a few days about sitting down and writing this down.  After all this not an entry that will be considered light hearted.  Please believe me that I have been overthinking this big time if I even want to put this down black on white.  Yes, Stallie her writers blocks are sometimes fake.  These are more moments that she decides rather not to scream out here what is going on in her life and her mind.

Before plunging into the deep and letting you in where it for the moment is storming I wish to point out a few things. First of all do not take it personal.  Most of these feelings have been evoked by total strangers or people I assumed knowing a bit but found out the hard way that is a big misunderstanding.  I still will be the same Stallie after you read this. Nothing has changed. It is still the same voice I am using.  So please beware of making any assumptions about me. You are very welcome to question me but if you know me well than you must now that I rather prefer to do this face to face in a place where there is candle light, some G&T and smooth back ground music. 

Second I know this is a phase. It will pass. The thing is that I can not predict when this will exactly will be.  Some things are beyond my control. Oh yeah, believe I have got a great Pinterest category by the name ‘Words I try to live by’.   I update that one weekly and I still grant these words supernatural powers.  

Thirdly I am a teacher and believe me I am very much aware that those are very hard kind of humans to get your head around.   Add September to these three and you have got a lethal cocktail that I would rather not consume but it is part of the job description. It will come around and around.  Please be so kind to keep this in my mind while reading the next entry. It certainly will help to put things in the right context.

So September it is and no we both are not good friends. Never were and never will.  Chaos all over over the place. In the beginning I try desperately to ignore it and try to stay on my own created safe haven where I try to fight off all the havoc that is taking place.  Three days that is what give and take I manage to stay on those safe grounds.  Day four the it is like hurricane Irma passes by and sweeps me off my feet and makes me dive into the deep and dark sea.  At this point I am totally disorientated and all my folders with good intentions and brilliant (at least what I did think while drinking George Clooney coffee in my cracked&made in Sweden- mug) ideas and intentions have already been sent to the mental bin. 

The last few days I have come to terms that I feel very lonely that I miss many people and things in my life.  Over the last few years I had to say goodbye to a few people I very much care for. People who know me very well. People who know the darkest secrets of me. These are most likely the ones that hardly read my blog. Some are even not aware of it’s existence. They are the ones that can read me very well.   I don’t see them often. Some of them even once in a decade. That is what life does.  Yesterday it just hit me big time.  The deluge had arrived….

Nope I am not easy when it comes down to making friends. Plus that being a teacher in international educational hotspot has certain side effects when it comes down to making friends. It is tough and honestly most of these places are exceptional in many ways.  I love working there. Every day when I walk in there I feel professional blessed.  Nothing has changed.  Still, I believe strongly in my teaching ethics and that I have been granted something that not everyone is.

Over the last six years I have found out that nothing is what it seems at first sight.  I feel more and more like I am trespassing on my own country. That the harder I try the less it makes sense.  Now before you jump to any conclusions. I was fully aware when I signed up for this job.  If you have been an exchange student, Erasmus Student and Socretive teacher you are fully aware that life is filled up with short and powerful encounters and that you have got to seize the day. That you need to enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Still I have got a hard time to integrate it in my daily routine. Not to take it personal that I do not seem to blend it or truly belong anywhere.   Yes, I can still fake the smile, wave at you and talk chit chat. That won’t change.  But it does not help that some idiots are trying to f*** up the world that I try to preserve and help to educate.  It already starts in the morning when a gigantic white Audi thinks he is granted a few extra traffic privileges. The last few weeks I have witnessed a record of red lights being ignored.  There is the everlasting rain that seems to think that it just will keep us close company and seems to be signing up for a long term relationship. My summer dresses and sandals I have already kicked into a corner and we have even turned up the heating. Oh yeah, baby we are on a roll here mentally!

Never ever have been so much aware how many people around me tend to just look through me. How many people think that they can bump into me and not even say a sincere ‘sorry’, how many people try to jump the line and coming up with insane excuses that they were not even aware that there was a line (oh please get a life!), a record of middle fingers went up in the air (including North Korean missiles that annoy many),  getting lost in translation (you think you speak the language but then there are all these loophole that not a single college professor or textbook has prepared you for),  unannounced changes (oh yeah, Stallie believes more and more that being a Capricorn in combo with being a teacher at the educational hotspot is sometimes rather a handicap.  ‘Let it go’-song is now my mantra when facing an other change that nobody has kindly informed me of)...and the list could go on and on.

Yes, there are the days that I don’t like being a teacher and parent in the same go.  I then feel lost.  Sometimes I stand out there on a hockey pitch or field and are total disorientated.  It does not make any sense what I am doing there. I don’t know what I am allowed to feel or not feel.   Walking into a building that then stands for my ultimate educational dream job is then tough.   Plus what I teach is also a battle. Oh yes, believe me teaching the Dutch language is not easy.  Still it was I signed up for. It is my personal mission. One that I will not forsake and take very close to my heart  but there are days that it is a bit of struggle. But that is rather challenging when the press points out that less and less French speaking Belgians even bother to learn a language that is not beautiful and consisting out of many exceptions. 

Pardon my French, but is so much to ask to dive into a language the majority of your nations speaks?  Is it so tough to sit down and concentrate on the conjugations of some basic verbs? Is it too much too ask to listen to some Dutch speaking radio stations or find some Dutch music on Spotify?  Is too much hard work to read once in a while a newspaper from the Dutch speaking part? Oh well, it seems that I fighting out there a battle that I will never will. Singing along with Ed Sheeran and opening a conversation in Spanish on the beach with good looking Carlos with a six pack is so much cooler and German will help you along in a board room or when skiing down a mountain. Do you see what I am up against? 

Still, it is my mother tongue and it is part of personality. It is my language. It is one of the three official languages spoken in this tiny and complex nation. Yes, it is not a straight forward language and it does not always makes sense. I do get that but it is my language. I love all four languages I speak. Plus I even trying to get my head around the Italian language by using the very motivating language App Duolingo.  So it is not okay that I more and more feel a bit the odd one out by the language I speak. 

It is not nice to hear over and over that my language is boring and does not contain as many lovely expressions as Shakespeare was able to reflect in this great works. Plus that there is nothing that sounds as poetry like as what for example HonorĂ© de Balzac put down on paper. Sorry the Dutch language is nothing of that kind.  Still being able to order ‘vijfhonderd gram pralines in een geschenkdoos’ or ‘een Brusselse wafel met slagroom en een koffie verkeerd’ will make those things even more tastier. But who am I to tell you so? Plus then balancing with trying to coach A through his educational years is then rather tiring.

The feeling that I am the idiot in the room is creeping towards me and even tough I try to fight back it is very hard to ignore.  Act kind and you will receive kindness in return, I have been told over and over. Well let me say that in September that seems very hard to come by.  It has nothing to do with me missing the Summer.  The one who just had was not my best one ever. Too much turmoil going on. It will get better the closer we will get to Christmas and gift wrapping but still. It will pass but it is a everlasting battle. The rules of engagement I know very well and so admitting that  I am not happy momentarily is not easy due to me knowing what I need to do to snap out of it.

So momentarily I am  dragging myself into yoga studio in order to find back my center is then not very surprising. Thanks to my close colleague U who gently pushed me towards the local yoga studio.  Believe me it hurts big time.  My body and mind are aching and there is not a log of fun involved pushing into positions that are not natural looking at all. I mean I do not look like the Dalai Lama when even sitting with crossed legs and if you would see me how I desperately try to find my center in order to keep myself in check you would get a few laughs out of that as well. I suck at it big time momentarily but hey you know what at least I am trying.   Me at yoga is the first step towards contentment and finding my inner self again.  The only thing I need to do now is staying away from social media and not reading the morning newspaper.   

We will see where it brings me. For now I am just happy to survive my sessions and get through the work week. And managing all the things I need. So please be aware of me humming away and sitting with closed eyes in my car or in a meeting that all I am is trying to find the peace within.  You are happy to join in. Have seen many in need of it. Some of you even just bumped into me, skipped the line, ignored red traffic lights or pedestrian crossings, throwing cigarettes out of the car window,..  Namaste to all of you.

PS: So to go along with this one. One in my mother tongue by one Dutch older guy and a Belgian/Flemish young one. Believe it or not but this one Spotify granted me this morning...wonder why that is? ;-) The message they bring goes along very well with this one. The second one I picked out because Max Raabe can express in German the simplicity of life that is worth while to put your energy in. Very zen Max!  Get your German dictionaries out or go on Google Translate. Oh wait most of you know German, don't you?  ;-)