I am afraid it is becoming a bit of a pattern…I try and then I seem to give in to all those spiral thoughts that have made to do it in the first place…stop writing. Yes, around January I did think that I had found a way back into the spot where I am the most content and where writing is almost a second nature. It is there that I do not even have to think twice what to write about and how to put down my ideas, thoughts, opinions, musings, experiences, dreams or wishes. The times that I managed to get into that zone were very happy times and i did then seem to just go with flow. It all was more of natural process and I did not have to even stop and think about it.
Yes, COVID-19 was one of the major reasons I did quit writing as a habit. Writing did then seem to do something with my mind that it never had done before: second guessing. Ever since we faced the pandemic it seemed to take hold one of my skills that is actually one that keeps me sane, focused, content and happy. Every time when I try now to put down my thoughts I more and more start to delete words and even when I have managed to produce over 200 words I might even just give in to the idea that it just not worth it.
So when today I was asked to answer what I feel like at the moment and what makes me happy. I did not doubt at all. Two words that tell everything about what goes on in my mind that is still trying to calm down and focus on what really matters to ME: loneliness and writing. There is something within me that seemed to have taken possession of my mind and is blocking a lot of creativity. I need creativity in my life…I love it and that I am in a profession that provokes out of the box thinking surely has always helped me to keep going strong.
Now since a couple of years I have started to overthink a lot of things that just kill off the general urge to write. Yes, I know that I have been mentioning it before and also have made some attempts to push through the brick wall. I am lonely at the moment and there are days that I do wonder where I did just lost it…how I lost my creative modus.
Some years ago I did read the book ‘Big Magic’ by Elisabeth Gilbert. Yes, the one who deiced she need a sabbatical to travel around the world to find back herself. Within this one she tries to explain the creative way of living. I do remember that there was a lot within the book that did resonate with me but it is only recently that I do think that the process she was describing is something that is actually now happening to me.
And surprise surprise…. I still seem to not have found back what makes me switch back into what will keep me going strong. I do manage my day to day job and love what I do but deep down I do know that there is one crucial thing missing that would help me to feel even better, more healthy mentally and physically, in balance with the world around me, care about what really matters, moan only for a second or two, give current affairs and other people their opinions the air time they truly deserve, staying focused on what I care and love…and go with the flow knowing that I can trust myself and the process.
I am blessed to be surrounded by great thinkers and doers…I feel that I do witness great things and that even within the pandemic I got to learn so much about myself and my own profession. For a few months I did think that consecutiveness that we had by being all in the same situation would support me to get back into that state of mind. Instead I felt a bit alienated by who I had been. It was as if the world suddenly changed gears and I just did not ‘feel’ it anymore. Plus that the opinions and thoughts that I did come across made me feel out of synch.
Now Stallie is getting close to the number 5 and I could start to use a bit more the ‘old’ argument but that is something that I just do not wish to buy into. It is as if that I put on a harness every time it hits me. I go then into a certain state that is very hard to describe but it is mainly as if I just feel out of place. I feel so many times guilty that I do not agree or am on the same page than so many that I come across.
No..I not always agree with what you say and I do not wish to pick sides even when you start to use certain language and throw numbers and statistics at me. There is too much going on in my mind to explain fully what it does to me but overall it paralyses me. Sometimes I even just sit there and stare at the horizon and wonder if I have fully comprehend ever something about anything that there is out there.
The thing is that I only life once and that what I feel is also my nature and personality. I do not try to force anything or think that I just have to pretend for the sake of it. Still it is slowly killing of something that I desperately need in order to get my head around many of the things I deal with. That I have been holding back and have taken so many thoughts, ideas and opinions in consideration has not really helped me. Instead it is turning into something that is rather a shadow of my true self.
I have to many times been silencing myself and hitting the brakes because I am afraid that it might hurt someone or that I might loose another friend. The fact is that over the last 3 years I have lost already a lot and there is not way back. I gave up…I gave in..and that because it was the easiest way. I just did not dare to fight back or show my true colours. Instead I was taking a step back and I even let myself be stepped on. Stallie is very good at turning the other cheek…it hurts big time.
Lately I sit a lot in front of an empty page or I delete over 500 words because they just do not cut it. They don’t live up to the expectations of so many. It is as if I have deleten myself and only look further ahead. There was a time that I did not care that much about what others did think about what I did write. I used to write just the way I dance…or it is rather used to dance. The quote ‘Dance like nobody’s watching’ I used to apply to my writing as well and it did work very well at least for a while it did. Now I freeze the moment I do even think I have expressed an opinion that could offend someone or used a word that is perhaps not ‘woke’ enough.
It is been tough to just face the fact that the writing is rather in a frozen state and the moment that the sun comes out the first clouds appear again. I just don’t seem to be able to shake something off while I do know so well that it is the writing that keeps me going and focused. Deep down I want to throw off the veil but I so far have not dared to leave it laying on the ground. I pick up over and over again…
Creativity with words and is something that keeps me going strong and perhaps I have taken myself way too serious in the last 3 years. To be honest did I always started to write to leave something behind for my son. So far not one entry A has read and honestly I am not even upset about that. I don’t have any expectations when it comes down to that. It is as if I write in the background of his life. I am always there and if he will ever feel the urge to find out what I felt at a certain time, place or occasion then I do hope that he will find something that he considers good enough…It is what I still miss about my dad not having around anymore.
That he died at a very crucial moment in my adolescent life can still make me feel up with sadness and at times even a bit of anger. So the initial idea behing all my writing should be enough to keep me going. Yes, the are people out there that have given some less favourable reviews about my writing and it did hurt big time but in the end it is my writing…I own it…it are my words, feelings and opinions….they might clash with yours and that is fine. In case you read this…then please be aware that deep down inside I am stil the same person who you met up years ago and that I can still be as goofy as I used to be but I am holding back big time…so please pinch me a few time if we sit close to each other and don’t hold back…I won’t hold back…promise..pinky promise!
