There is this nice banner hanging on my message board that says ‘Have courage and be kind'. I had put there since I returned to school since the
first wave in order to remain positive when the numbers would go back and I would be loosing it. There are days that I just had it with so many people, tiny
little details that just complicate my life and that I do wonder when I
will feel it again that sensation that I am in balance. I just have been trying to just deal with my work and trying to keep everybody safe and not just myself. One day I even decided that I was not going to moan anymore on social media anymore or express my opinion about certain issues or other people their opinion they had been expressing in the media. I went silent...but the backlash of it is now nagging within big time!
Finally I decided that I might need to do something that might take some courage…it might not seem such a big of a deal to most of you. Still, believe me it something that has been weighing on me for months. And because today two people who know me very well did question my behaviour and that made me suddenly focus on what matters the most and what and who deserves my attention I decided that I had to just return to what drives me. The writing Stallie is the one that has given me a certain force that I now not can find anywhere else. It even seems to be a driving force!
Yes, the last two years have left scars and some of them are running very deep. There are even wounds that still are open and the blood is still running out of them. I am not that hard to understand…I can be an open book. The thing is that in the last 10 months I have been hitting my brakes over and over in the hope that it would bring me something. I have been holding back and over the last 24 months hardly managed to find the courage to post something out here. On social media in general I started to adjust my behaviour big time. I even did quit mentioning the rather polarisation inspiring topics and believe with the day the number of these are growing. Stallie did decide that she was going to remain kind on social media. But the issue is that many of the people who I miss are on social media and when I try to call some of them they seem to be in a hurry or I only get to talk to their answering machine.
The introspective silence that I have been practising out here has surely brought me something but not what I was after. Nope, in despite of hoping that it would all calm down and that time would bring back some of the force that I have lost. Honestly I have lost quite a lot of friends over the last 2 years or that is at least my assumption. One scroll through my contact list tells me the facts that I already had been overthinking. I have lost a lot more than just being out of touch with my social life. Hanging out at the bar after school on Friday, having last minutes meet up with former colleagues or friends, travelling to meet up with old classmates or friends over all the world, hugging my nieces and nephews, going to see my mother once in a while, keeping in touch with people at the other end of the globe, getting lost in a city when travelling on my own and making contacts with locals, checking in with former study mates, attending milestones such as weddings, anniversaries or birthday parties….I could keep on going for hours. I still live with my brakelights on and I still don’t seem to be able to enjoy social moments as much as I used to. Plus I don't seem to find that many people to do it with either...my social circle is almost down to a few people.
Yes, this there are certain reasons why I still have not got back in my spontaneous social happy bunny status and it is starting to become rather hard. Even when I try I seem to feel less anxious and at the same time I feel so lonely and left out of the fun. My life is boring and all the weeks are the same. Highlights is creating new lessons, cleaning our home, doing the groceries, the hairdresser and beautician appointment on regular intervals, and once in a while going out for a very nice meal with P and A. Every time when restrictions were loosened I never had this ‘hurray’-sensation. My phone line remained as silent as the day that we went in total lockdown. Not that I have not tried but it is now two years further down the pandemic timeline that I get a better overview of what I might have lost.
In some cases I might have been the catalyst and some people might have just lost interest in me or might consider me not that nicest company anymore to hang out with. I wish to say sorry to those who had to deal with the moaning, sour, rather unpleasant, hurt, angry and feeling lonely Stallie. The Stallie that you have been meeting up seemed rahter the less fun and social and positive kind. Honestly I get you…things have changed and many people have been dealing with different situations and in some cases might have lost a loved one. So far I have been blessed that all my close family members are okay. Not all of us had the luxury to be able to stay safe and healthy over a long period of time within that a virus seems to get even more playtime.
A few weeks ago a colleague of mine passed away and it is still very tough thing to deal with. Just about a week before she died I was given a belated birthday card and a very nice birthday gift by her. Not that she had been able to give it to me in person because she was dealing with cancer in a very tough stadium. The thing with the gift was that the two things she had decided to gift me told me that she knew me very well. The moment that I unwrapped me I felt a very deep connection with her. Before I knew I was in tears. On the card she had written a very sincere message and she also expressed her wish to see me soon once she was on the mend of this rocky phase.
Well, we never got to meet up again! A week later we were told at work that she had passed away and it hit me right in the heart. I wasn’t the only one in that assembly hall who just ended up with wet tissues. Emotions filled up that big space. This exceptional kind person and one of a kind teacher leaves a big hole within our learning community. It is only now when looking back that I totally understand what she has been doing with so much grace and sincerity and kindness and especially in the most challening of times: globally but also personaly. Of all people who had tons of reasons to give up and perhaps even tell others that meeting up and staying in touch was out of the question due to her rather fragile health she was the one who had been taking care of us to stay in touch also after school. She used very explicitely words such as a 'friend', 'kind' and 'missing you' in her communication. No, there was no drama involved because she mastered something that I seem to have lost big time and that is being spontaneous, social, fun and outgoing. I blew up the bridge that she kept restoring over and over again!
The conversations I had with her have been priceless conversations. Memorable ones that have always left an imprint on my heart. Walking into her classroom with rather gloomy thoughs would let you leave it with an effortless smile. Short check in with her most of the time ended up in a very lovely conversation about so many things. It was as if the was able to brush off the rough borders and make you focus what can make a difference. C was that ray of light that was still shining when you were walking over at the dark side and wondered if the storm would ever end. Opening up to her was so easy and when she would give you advice she would always do this in a very kind manner. Never ever she forced something upon you but she made you feel included and she never ever quit doing this even since the pandemic started and she got worse healthwise.
The memories I have created with her at my side or when she was close by will now mean even more.
Surely the carpe diem thought will come to mind when you read this but you know what, it did not feel that way. The positivity that she tried to send out even when she suddenly was not able to come to work was very hard to ignore. It was as if she was still with us and very strongly wanted to make sure that we would not forget what we can do together besides spending time in a classroom and trying to keep every single one of us COVID-safe. Yes, we had to cancel at times meeting up because I had a runny nose or that I did think that it might not be such a good idea to be in the same space with her. The better safe than being sorry-tagline was something that I have been applying over and over again when deciding if it was okay for me to meet up with people or going places.
Not that all has been gloomy because there have been great moments since the whole pandemic broke loose. The most incredible thing about some of these moments is that it was our friend C who would come up with an other idea to do something that took a bit of an extra effort but at the same time you knew that you would build memories. It was as if she was so safeguarding a certain very valuable sensation that gives you an extra energy boost.
Staring at that above mentioned banner is now also thinking more and more about what she has been trying to hard to do for us but even more importantly together with us. Kind and brave…every single step of the way… but it is hard and I might already lost a bit more than I ever bargained for.
Yes, I have lost friends over the last two years. A few I must have disappointed and some of them must have decided that I just do not fit within their way of life or that we don’t have enough in common what connects us. I get it…do not worry we live in very challenging times and it will even get a bit more complicated. In case you wonder I miss every single one of you but the the thing is that I don’t know anymore how to connect those dots. I even have been sometimes the one who might have caused you do be a bit taken a back by what I said.
My mental disposition is not the one fo the Daila Lama. I had the honour a few years ago to be in the same space with him and what I will never forget is that even if you ask him for answers he might still hand back the question to you. He more than once said that many things are a lot easier than we think. Questioned then that this is all very hard when you have to deal with loss, grief, pain, unfairness and other painful sensations life can throw at you is rather natural. But in case you hope to find a magic spell behind being in balance you will be very dissappointed. The force you are after is is within you and you need to be prepared to let it come out. Plus it takes effort.
That I over the last 24 months given up on so many things is not that unnatural but quitting writing is the one thing that unleashes a certain anger and sadness that I can just ignore longer. The being kind thing on paper just does not work anymore. Plus that I know that when I will hold back over and over that one day it will backfire Yes, within the process I have been keeping so many people their opinions close to my heart but I do wonder sometimes what goes on in the minds of some of you when you throw certain opinions and ideas on social media or make little references to things that at the moment are going out in the world. We don't take the time anymore to have in depth conversations face to face.
The negative forces were just to overwhelming and I was so scared to even break into more pieces or just hit the nerves of the few people that I still can call close friends. Not that I did not have tried more than once to start again but every single time I have deleted my entries. The ones that I have written and you can read out here are low in number. And in most cases they are polished versions.
More than ever I experience that being open and honest to people can cause friction. Not that I am without a flaw and I tend to be rather blunt. The morning mood I can carry around is as if I have put on a Dart Vather costume and using my light saber in a very unortodox manner. On top of that I have been quit calling quite a few people because Ihat I might hurt certain people and then wish to let them in peace. But it hurts and cuts very deep.
My own fault you might now say...well fair enough but in my rather humble opinion friendship does not work like that. I have had enough examples around me that told me that you can be upset and angry at friends or express oppossite opinions and might not even agree with them on certain issues and still be close friends. Friends come in different kind and shapes. Being in a fierce storm with a real friend can create stronger bounds...at least that was what I did think...since COVID I seem to have overestimated that kind of force.
More than once I have been deleting words because I have always been overthinking them. I even more than once decided not to be courageous because I did not wish to hurt someone but at the same time I felt hurt within. Plus that some of the people do not have even been in touch with me and yes, I do share the opinion that it cuts from both sides. I know that you do not wish to rub the end of the affair into my face but some of you have also decided that some things have changed when it come down to our friendship and the without communicating. The radio silence is deafening. It cuts deep and I have more than once wondered if I was the once who caused the final crack. Fair enough! But it does not feel fair...nope...sorry!
That I now come to the painful conclusion that I might have blown up some bridges over the last few years is very hard to digest. I have said it here out before that I am still the same…I can still be very outgoing and social and be the friend that you are after. The thing is that many of you have been kind of communicating and some of you have been very direct with me that there was something that just made it hard to do so. I have left you alone and even stopped calling you and I even seem to have forgotten to change addresses and sending cards and gifts to wrong addresses. Sorry about that...sincerly sorry about that.
Yes, I totally admit here now and then that have been letting people down but honestly so did some of you. Do not worry I don’t hold a grunge against you…life is what it is…but the holes you left behind I can not just ignore. The box that I have been filling up with memories of the good times I had with people I love and care deeply about is a full one but lately it is containing a rather nostalgic smell and hardly any social and friendship related ones get thrown into the box. The ones that got added to the box are the ones that C helped to create and some great other staff I have the honor to work with.. So more of being kind and courageous might than help to restore some things that went sour over time. But as things stand now I first need to find back that power that C so strongly tried to send out and shared with us. It is out there but in case you dare to pick up the phone and first get in touch with me do not hold back....
At this point I alo with to show my gratitude to C who I will never ever forget...we at school have already made some pledges within us that you showed the way. It is still very hard to grasp the reality that you will never walk back into a building that you filled up with all those things that I have a harder time to create myself....thank you for those times...magical times! Not that life always ends up being that fairytale you after but the magic you spread out was so real!! Magic that became real!
