zondag 25 juli 2010
Travelling to the heart of it all!
It took me while to become back friends with my blog. The last entry I wrote was more in a kind of healthy rage and also under surveillance. But after five days of London in the company of my mother, some very meaningful mails with very supporting words and very deep thaughts of many 'real good' friends (you all rock!!) I was able to put things in the right perspective. Or at least my own personal 'feel-good-perspective'! More I do not need to function from day to day basis. Not that I am lowering my standards about what I am going to post here or believe in!
No way, because like mentioned already once today:'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!'. The last two weeks I have taken a step back, I started to breath again, focussed my camera on some wonderful architecture, got lost in the underground while constantly 'minding the gap', tried to find the most sensible way on a map and this in all order to feel back at ease with my will to write but also feeling alive!
I was ten minutes on the Eurostar that I told my mum the whole story. Being the very down the earth person she is, was very straight forward about it. Her point of view was very down to earth! It took us back to a very long time ago when my dad had this very guts feeling about something related to the outcome of this blog incident! By the time we made it to Saint Pancras I did knew that I had to let go. In my case not an easy stroll through the park!
While standing on Trafalgar Square surrounded by thousands of tourists visiting London my mind got reshaped. Or was it when I was sitting in Sint-Martin-in-the-Field listening to Mozart by candle light? Perhaps it was while I walked in&out of many bookshops (I behaved this time and 'only' bought 5 books on this trip). It might have been the fire alarm that went off in our hotel at 3 am that made me hit the refocus button. There is also the moment standing on the square of Temple Church where you can sense the presence of something very 'strong' and turning around facing a very blue sky that I started to see clearly once more.
Taking my mum to London was more then just hanging around in a very lively city where I do never grow tired of. Six times already this vibrant metropolis had gotten under my skin. It had already given me plenty of food for thought and many joys (and tons of books!!!). I was there before with many but never with next of kin. So having my mum next to me was very special.
She made me smile many times with just being 200% herself. It was great to see her:
- enjoying the many little shops and leaving behing money to support the local economy
- going completely insane while eating cake, muffins and Italian pastries
- hearing her talking 'funny' English
- trying to blend in with the locals and making numerous comments of the outrageousy dress code Londoners and world citizens were wearing. She was a true lady walking around in her nice outfits, hats and fitting scarfs!
- complimenting the chefs of Belgo Centraal for their delicious tasting 'stoofvlees' (a dish she can cook so well!)
- putting a Harrods shopping assistent to an ultimate test while looking for the perfect lipstick
- selecting tons of souvenirs for her grandchildren, sisters and friends,
-reading tons of signs and trying to comprehend fully what they stood for like 'Strand WC'. 'That is what I need badly, for the moment!' comment told me that an extra course of English could not do any harm!
- picking out jewelry for her daughter (ME!) at The Britisch Museum and getting tons of compliments on her taste of jewelry and style by one of major sales persons. On top of that walking out there with a gift!
- dressing me for rain and winter in Scottisch and Irish action gear!
- being impressed by the impeccable grass quality of Hampton Court and keep on mentioning it for days!
- buying some very cheerful music for her CD-player at the Globe. I can't wait to see her dancing merrily around through the house
- liking the ring of certain names but still forgetting the importance of them. After five days my mum only knew one underground stop and that was 'Angel' and we never got of there!
- eating soup and fruit salade out side sitting on curbs.
- putting up with my bad moods in the mornings
- pointing out tons of stuff that I already had forgotten about London and would have just walked by.
- being able to fit into the 'find' of the week. Someone is now missing a brandnew and very nice grey MaxMarra shirt but my mum looks very cool in it!
- letting her take pictures of me but only in the company of booze! ;-)
- walking 3 times into one bakery on the same day to buy a certain cake to take home.
It was at the Britisch Museum that I did experience perhaps my most intense moment with her. For me museums are more then just filled up places with things of the past. I feel at home when surrounded by objects with a story and that seem to stand the test of time. So when my mum wanted to buy me something in the very exclusive museum shop I got very tensed. Because that is not 'just' a buy.
While my mum made me try out tons of earrings and necklaces in a place where some price tags hit the roof I became suddenly very calm. She made me look straight into mirror and trying to see what she still sees in me. I did grew older! The signs are there, not hard to miss but I don't think that was what she was going for!
While my mum was forcing a certain pair of earrings on me, the salesperson jumped into the conversation. He got out everything out to make me feel important. Being ten minutes left before the museum was going to close down I did think this was a bit 'strange'. 'Don't you think they look nice on her?', she asked a very professional looking guy who seemed to be on top things jewelery wise! 'Uhm, is she a dissapointment to you? Did she not live up to your expectations?', he wondered while he was looking straight into my eyes checking the color matchings.
It was perhaps not his intention to be serious but I did feel anxious to hear her answer. Around me the shop was emptying and I did feel that we were about to get on a different level. She looked me straight in the eyes but did not answer that question. Only her eyes told me all I needed to know!
The shop assistent was now teamed up with my mum bit still I was hesitating. These were for sure not a pair I would have picked out myself. On a black piece of cloth there were lying very colorful earrings and they were quite long. They would make me stand out of a crowth, make my eyes look brighter and they came along with tons of other side effects.
I gave in but it was not because me mum likes them so much! Nope, it was as if that one very meaningful gift that was lying out was trying to tell me some very important facts that my mum wants me to know for sure. 'These are earrings to wear for battle, for loving, for having fun, for grieving but formost for being the person you want to be and can be!', she seemed beaming over by just looking at me!
More and more I become aware of the world around me that seems to be less obvious when it comes to emotions and feelings. In the last few weeks I have learned a plenty bleak facts about how people try to deal with their emotions. Have been given the priveledge to hear some very meaningful stories and opinions how they look at first love, being heartbroken, growing older, giving in or up, moving on, creating success, friendship, grief, success but formost it was always the emotion love that stuck out!
There is no secret potion out there to feel 1000% high up in the sky! People get hurt or will hurt you. It leaves scars and it can make you doubt all where you so strongly believe in. The dark side is always looming around the corner even on a very bright day in July at The British. After all we are 'only' human! But the earrings that are now resting in a very stylish looking black box are up for the battle. I will wear them proudly. You can be sure that when A said:'Mum, what a nice pair of earrings are you wearing!, my heart was smiling along!' In the end my mum is still right about many facts of life and she wants me to be dressed up rightly for battle and the earrings are dynamite!!!
P.S.: I love this statue at Saint Pancras train station where many trains leave! Very fitting image when dealing with getting your focus back on what truely matters in life!