zaterdag 30 juli 2011
Wishing & Hoping
I did it! I threw all of them away! Every single one of them went into the shredder. Not much is left of them and to be honest I do not wish to linger around a long time in front of the evidence of my own actions. What is left of them is a box full of old paper that has got no specific meaning anymore. On top of those shreds are tons of glossy magazines that also do not serve any function.
Once these magazines and those other papers stood for a longing. For 10 years all these 'dreams' were lying there in the dark. Every time when I opened the door and opened that box I also opened up my heart. The stack of 'bundels of love' got higher and higher and I never gave up. Okay I might have had my moments that I just did think that it was a waste to hold on to them but still I kept on holding to that one box. Almost like a lifeline.
Today I just threw the content of that special box away and this along with all those travel magazines. When I told P he had won he gave me a very 'strange' look. 'You can still hold on to them!', was his response. 'Why?', I yelled at him, 'As if it ever is going to happen!!!' And I knew I had this one that I always have around this time of the year: a total meltdown!
Once a year, I take a good look into the mirror and try to look ahead and is what I see not that promising. If I am even tempted to agree with all of you who already have honestly spoken up their minds about this. Because yes, many of you have just openly told me that it was useless to keep on believing in something that I desperately long for.
Hey, I am working very hard to make this relationship work. Who knows me well knows that I am not a quitter. I don't just walk out on someone or something if there is a still some sparks of hope. Stallie just does not give hope on something she truely believes in and this perhaps against better judgement of many. So I am very sorry, but ones the hormones are out of the way and I might get to see some sunshine and feel less cold, then I want to go on believing and this even against all odds.
P.S.: P even forgot that tomorrow we are 10 years an item. So I guess I will be cracking all by myself a bottle of champagne. Cheers!