January it is and so this means a new beginnings. Not just the start of a new year and 365 days that are still blanco. Time will tell what they have got in store for us. In a way I do like the unknown. People try to make predictions and we even have got specialists that try to foretell the future. Sometimes they are right sometimes they are wrong. We will see in 12 months time if 2014 is the year that you and I are after.
Me, myself and I already have been quite busy with making the most of 2014. We are just going to skip the job part because that this is a very hectic and busy time that I call rather normal. I would even dare to say that I do like it in a way to be in such state. Work is for me sometimes my safety blanket. It is the one spot where life still seems to make sense. Where I find that one thing that I am so desperate after and where smiles are hiding out. On that part I still love where I am hanging out between office hours and beyond. Sometimes I might lose it but at the end of the week I still seem to be in one piece.
What was so much harder to deal with had to do with my car. My beloved car... my first car that P got me in order to get A and myself from A to B and beyond. To go out with on adventures and get lost in. I will never forget how reluctant I was to get my driving permit. Some of you know what Stallie did think about driving. For years I did try to stay away from driving because I could get anywhere on foot, by public transportation or find an other victim to drive me to my final distanations. It was P who talked me into a car and okay it was rather hard work. Time (we ended up spending quite some hours on empty supermarket parking lots), patience (yes, we did yell at each other because in my messed up brain I just did not manage to think like a car) and money (thanks to P I did not ended up spending all of my pay check on driving lessons) went in to that mission impossible.
Yes, I did find out that driving can be so much more fun than having to wait in the cold for a train that has decided not arrive or that it is so much eassier to drive to your mother instead of having to rely on time tables of public transport. Before I knew I loved that car of mine above my public transport. And I was very proud of myself never to have gotten into any accidents. So for 10 years my Opel/Vauxhall Corsa and I had been close friends. Every time when I went for my annual car check up I did hold my breath. But that tiny car just seemed to keep on going forever.
Till last week.... last week I found out that timing is everything. Last week someone else decided that it was the chosen moment to end of the partnership. Last Sunday I had my first car accident. No, it wasn't a spectacular crash and I am still in one piece. My back hurts (and it might have some less fun consequences but that it totally different story) but besides shaky nerves I was fine. Still the impact that it had on my daily life was beyond any expectation.
Okay, in a way these were luxury problems and let us be honest that it would not have killed me to jump back on a buss (I did and I can tell you that on a Monday morning around 7.30 I was the oldest person on it) and relying on time tables. I even imagined having some more time to read and contemplate about life instead of having to stress about traffic lights, road works and trafic jams. I did try to think positive about it. I just not imagined that once when you rely so much on a car that when you suddenly do not have one your life gets 'messed up' or should we say 'more complicated'.
Now what you need to know is that the day before this happened P, A&I had been out for a test drive. Because in the back of our minds we knew that the days of the Corsa were numbered. The car was getting older. I can tell you that we had fun trying out a new car. Suddenly I was picturing me in something new, more glamorous, shinier, faster and stylisher. Oh yes, I do have a list of favorite cars that I would love the drive. But two of them sadly have the reputation to be designed for the Mediterian weather. So in a way I was ready to say farewell to my faithful car and start fresh with a new one. I just had a different scenario in mind than the one we went through last week.
Once more I found out that Stallie is not good at dealing with unexpected events. Big fail!!! I did even fail on the alcohol test the police did perform after the accident. I just did not manage to get the right amount of air into that machine. It did seem that I already ran out of breath at that moment. Like I knew that I was going to have to run a marathon but was never making it to the finish line. P was once more the very practical thinker when he did ask me first of all:'How are you getting to work now.'instead of asking me:'Are you okay?' He did explain to me that I did look so calm in that police car that he had already figured out that I was okay. WRONG THINKING PATTERN!!! My mind was racing and I was crashing over and over again in my mind. By Sunday night my body and head were aching all over. I had not managed to get done anything. I was so dissorientated.
By Monday morning I was lethal to be around with. I hated calling my mother because she would ask me if I had paid attention to detail. 'No, mum I have not mentioned that I had a pianful back because after all that is something chronic...'& 'No mum, I have not seen a GP yet because I do not easily ask for leave of absence if you can take care of this outside office hours.' My sister then was not happy to find out days after that I had lost my car. 'Hey, you could have called.' Me thinking:'Why? To tell you I am still alive but I lost my car.'
Yes, I called friends but I sometimes felt to stupid that I did seem to be rather unhappy about the whole situation. It is like you start to hate yourself. That you wish you could switch yourself of for a few minutes and just stay positive about the whole situation. I just failed. It did not help to read news headlines about the war in Syria or a story about a person with a terminal illness. That way of thinking did not seem to help me out to start to look back that bright side. I then tried even drinking a Cuba Libre on a week day. Believe me I am one of these people who stays away of alchohol on weekdays. Did not have the effect I was after. Constantly I was pushing out the bad vibrations but they always found their way back in.
You see, it was for me constantly a dillemma who to call and tell them that I felt so down about the situation. That I might now even have to consider not dancing for a while does make it even more painful. People who do know me quite well, do know how essential ballet dancing is for Stallie. It is part of trying to stay in a healthy and happy mental state.
I wish that I had been a bit more positive in such a situation but I just did not know what to behave like. It was the first time that someone crashed in to my car sideways. That I ended making eyecontact with the person who was about to mess up my car. Oh believe me I tried to find a way out but there was no way. I had no other choice to just let it happen. I did let it go and I just pushed my break down and then I did hear sounds that were so painful to my ears. Metal that was crashing into eachother.
Oh yes, I did have even the 'Sliding Doors' scenario running through my mind while I sat there in the police car filling out insurance paperwork. These were the thaughts that ran through my mind just after the crash:'If I had left the house one second sooner or later this would not have happened. But I did and this is the sh** I have to deal with now. But hey, I am still breathing and I can get out of the harmed car on my own without having to call in some extra troops. So I am fine, am I not?' Believe me, that minute after the accident that was exactly what I did think. But before I knew the blue sky vanished and did some thunder storms appear.
Okay, I had been hit by car a few year ago but that was completely different to what had happened now. I do remember calling people as well at that crucial moment and did remember how much it changed my life. It was the day that I ended up in soup bar in rainy Paris and did take a very close look at what I had, what I was longing for and what posibilities&opportunites there were still out there. I am likely to state that it was a turning point in my mental state.
What I was unprepared for was that it would happen again. I once more was forced to sit down, take deep breaths, trying to calm down and find back my focul point and try to stay positive. Having faith that everything would work out in the end. I needed other people to tell me that this was going to be the case. Because I had ran out of juice. So sorry if you turned out to be one of these people who had to put up with me this week. You do deserve better and I am fully aware of the fact that some of you have so much more to deal with then a totat loss declared car.
The thing is that I might have forgotten to keep up something that might have made things a bit eassier on all of you and me. What that is, is something that I have kind of neglected for a while because I just seem to be doing fine without it. Oh boy, was I wrong. When will I learn that it is part of me and that it is part of keeping myself in check and under control? Seems to take a car crash!
I now can announce that a new car has been picked out (and it one of my wish list!) and that things have calmed down. Stallie also waved her faithful Corsa goodbye (including her ace Jane Austen bumper sticker but these you can order again!) and made appointments in order to get back on track. Now I can't wait to get my hands on the new car key. Stallie is ready for new car adventures. So as it seem new beginnings are not always cool runnings (I have just read somewhere that the Bob sleigh team of Jamiaca has qualified for the Olympics! :-) ) but I already found out how unpredictable and yes exciting (that is once the dust has settled) ) 2014 is.
PS: The thing that I did kind of neglect the last few months did someone else very nicely explain and it also explains why you end up neglecting it. But it is so easy once you get the hang of it and when you do focus on what you get in return even when it will hurt once in a while. No pain, no gain is even a fact in the mental world if you want to stay fit, healthy and focused.