zaterdag 5 maart 2016

Over & Over Again

There is something about me that I not very good at hiding. It is something that I am trying to cope with for as long as I am already alive and kicking.  My parents have tried for years to coach me on that part and when studying abroad others have tried to team up and tame the beast inside of me.  Believe me many have pumped wise advice into this girl but more and more I think I am rather immune to it.  Okay, that I have got a dark side I can live with and most of the time I do manage to stay away from it.  But there are those moments that it just does take over.  

Now I had hoped that by getting older that I would get better at mastering these strong emotions that make me end in a kind of emotional roalercoaster.   Well, was I wrong and it even seems that it will even get even worse.  Not that you will catch me in putting on a Kylo Ren costume and fighting Han Solo.  It is not like that.  It goes beyong light sabers and the Jedi knights code.  It is about me not being totaly in control of something that can mess up my mental make-up.  I even stay away from my mascarra and compact powder when I am in such state.  It is like I have come to terms that it is no advance to hide what I feel like.  It is something anyone will be able to see and hear.

So what is it that then takes me over and all the other skills I master sends of to an exotic island for a long deserved vacation?  Well it is the feeling of injustice is that for the moment so much has taken me hostage.  No, I can't seem to let go and do not get me wrong it is not that I do not try to understand who and what causes this.  I am very aware that it is vital for me to fight back against this energy consuming feeling.  I have seen what it can cause and nope I have no intention to let it have a ball at my expenses.  No way!  That zen and mindfullness seem not to kick in that as fast as they normally do is no surprise.  But still.... At the end of the day I am the only one in charge of my brain if I at least give may around me the benefit of the doubt.  Well, ladies and gentleman the world around me is realy testing me at this stage....

The negative force seems to have taken over of my happy bunny mode.  One that I know long for.  Easter is only a few weeks away and I am longing of chocolate eggs, daffodils, tiny little chicks and lambs who jump around in green pastures and more of these Easter ingredients that create smiles and positive vibes.  Okay, it is lent at the moment and I have banished chocolate out of my life.  With the only exception of Nutella.  But the level of 'real' chocolate inside that guilty pleasure contains is up for the discussion amongst real chocolate lovers.

I am fully aware that I should be counting my blessings and that there are so many others who have more real reasons to complain.  That I feel hurt inside of my core of my existence is rather very personal.  It makes me not that such fun to hang out with.  Sarcasm then takes over. In case you end up close to me at such moments you will notice.  My remarks will not even makes sense and might even surprise you.  Oh I am fully aware of how negative I can be and how I can walk around.  My face is the reflection of the tempest of the century and I seem not to be connected.   Stallie in a very pensive mood at one moment and a few moments I could slam the door right in your face or start to produce tears of anger.   If you then ask me if I am okay be prepared that my answer will not always be straight forward.

That I can not fully explain to you what is going on is due to many reasons.  It is complicated and because I don't think it is very wise to make radical decission while being in the phase of rage I prefer this state of mind.  It is not pleasant and I am so aware of it.   I might be good at acting and at this moment I feel like I am up for an Oscar worhty preformance.  After all I am very cautious about not letting my state of mind interfer with my teaching.  In a way it is even an katalyst.  Oh yes, Stallie has found out in the last 5 years that all she wants to do is teach. I am not going anywhere.  But I do need an international environment in order to function at full speed.  It is where I bloom, where I can feel at home and constantly challenged..

So this lady needs a room filled up with young people to function.  More than ever I am fully convinced that a desk job is not my cup of tea.  As much as I detest the paper work and some other challenges who make my job less straight forward I still know that I want to be inside of a school during working hours.  Yes, I do love my job and it can lift up my spirits.  The # I love my job is so sincere when I use it that when I make a mistake or have failed to deliver that I feel so guilty.

Okay, that my educational hotspot is a very challenging working environment I am fully at ease with. The day I did send in my CV I had already figured that one out.  Lots of jobs are not a walk through the parc anymore and working with living being is very unpredictable.  There are is no guarantee that you  will never walk into something that will make lesson end up being a nightmare.  At this stage of my life I am finding out that sometimes you need to be patient and that letting go is vital.

Well that is something that I suck at.  Not that I not try but it is like that I for the moment I have to go through the different stages of grief.  When looking at the model that Kubler & Ross came up with that at this stage I am hanging out some days in the yellow zone at other days in the orange one. I have so much anger inside of me and it is like it has been bottled up for years.  Oh yes, I know that most of the attempts to find a way out are in vain.   The thing is that I first have to go through all these stages before I can benefit from the last two stages.  I just can not wait for these to arrive.

But for now it seems that I am not there yet and so all I can say it that I am so sorry if you meet up with Kylo Ren and long for the Han Solo.  All I can promise that I am working very hard to speed up te process and trying to find some short cuts... just bear with me that my patience won't be put that much at the test.  Fingers crossed and fortunately it Easter quite soon...

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