There are many reasons why someone who loves to write suddenly decides not to write. I have wondered why now and then that happens to me. More and more I wake up in the morning feeling the urge to write something down. The drive is still there and the therapeutic power of my keyboard has already proven its strength. No doubts on that frontier. Inspiration enough out there to use for many entries. The world seems in over drive in many ways and as an individual who tries to make her life worthwhile in many ways it gives me a lot of food for thought. No missing stepping stone and I surely still have the power to write. There is something else at work which the last 18 months has made it so much more challenging. What? Well let me try to explain it to you. The positive flow I feel when I wake up is killed by the time I put toothpaste on my electric toothbrush and try to get rid of the creepy bacteria. It is when I stare in to the mirror that it happens. That it the moment that all my creativity and urge to write is killed! Fear then takes over. More and more I am scared to write something that others might hurt.
Let us be honest 2016 has not be kind to us so far. It is not the year we can and will be able to boast about in glossy magazines. So many events have ‘killed’ something or someone. Ideology and ideas seem to be rather the force of destruction. I have never felt so helpless due to what is happening in the world. Even rather naive. The people that shortly after an other destructive event post messages of love on their social media accounts are easy to find. Yes, Stallie believes in the power of love and compassion. The problem is that I dare not to write about it for the moment. Like I feel jinxed.
I have cried a lot in the last few months. Not that I have that many personal reasons to do so. My family, friends and I are in good health, I have a very challenging job that I still love, I still can enjoy all the things that I need in order to stay in balance. Above all, I live in a nation where there is ‘freedom’ and where the human rights are taken very serious. I don’t take all of that for granted. So...but still...I feel so empty, lost, flying blind into a world that less and less makes sense.
Today someone told me that the closer it happens to home the more you feel connected with it. I could not deny that. That is how it works. Something that you experience skin to skin you will never ever forget. It becomes part of you, your personality and it shapes you. It has found a way into your body and mind. Chances are very likely that it will influence your way of life and the decisions you make. In the 21st century we are in many ways connected. Modern technology has helped us to find old friends we lost track of and science surely benefits of progress. I can’t deny that I experience this myself. My smartphone has given me access to a world that about 2 decades ago was harder to enter. My blog also has given me a lot over the years and that I am still very grateful for. Nope, I don’t care that much about the number of people who read this. Wait, I do care but it is not the number that I care about but rather the people itself.
Why? Well, we are all different and we all have got our own priorities, dreams, wishes, hopes and motivations that push us forwards. Thank the Lord for diversity. At work I see daily the force of it at work. Still, it also does create friction and tension. It causes pain and it can even you push into the direction of the red button. It makes you tip over and going totally ballistic. If chocolate and George Clooney would not be close by then I don’t know where my mind would take me. Being the analyst of words and loving to read between the lines has tired me out this year. It got that far that I do not dare to express my own opinion out here. P, my family and some good friends know that I am holding back and that I do not wish to hurt anyone in the process of creation.
I now read and read and just swallow… I now sit here and feel empty… I stare at my screen and search for hope but do not find that much of that out there…it is like I feel more and more the elephant in the room. When someone tells their story and their opinion I do care and I know now after 4 decades that I am like a sponge. My skin is not thick and I do feel responsible in many ways when something happens like in Nice, Istanbul, Brussels, London, Madrid, Atlanta, Lesbos, Aleppo, Bagdad, Dallas and many more places where this year something happened that made life come to a total stand still. Sorry, if I have forgotten that one spot close your heart. Believe me that I do not do that consciously but these are just a few places that jump to my mind and have actually hold me back of writing. You see why it is holding me back? Is it clear? Do you get the message? Please tell, me that you do!
Others have done that job for me and they have done that with conviction and very loud voices. Many have created something with words, images, pictures and songs that carry out their opinion about what is going on. Thank you all for sharing your opinions and stories. Truly I appreciate that but the problem is that I not always fully agree with you. But what I am after more and more is peace of mind. I do no wish to be judged by the color of my skin, my race, my religion, the politicians I voted for (obligated to do so)…let us face the fact that the last ones I mentioned hardly ever do what they promise and make many things even worse.
None of us wishes to be judged by those things. We hope that our personality, good nature, character and values are what matters. Now, many of those things are embedded in the religion that is passed on to us by our parents. Please, do not feel offended that you might be an agnostic or an atheist. Do not worry, I respect your choice and your conviction and I leave you in peace. That I not openly practice my religion that is actually something that is very private and my own choice. I am creating my very intense journey of faith. It is the deepest layer of my existence and I hardly share it with anyone. Not that I am ashamed of it. I am not! But I do not shout if of a roof top and I try to use at it a potential that creates positivity in my own life and that of many others. It just do that in silence and when I practise it then I do that rather when nobody is looking. You can't see it when I walk over the street or you will not find me in a church every Sunday. Nope! Still, I cary my faith very close to my heart. That it does collide with some individuals and ideologies that now seem to tell me that I am 'wrong', not pure of heart and that I have contributed to wars and killing others, I now fully understand. But still,.....
Nope, I do no point the finger at anyone in particular but I have come across a lot of news that has silenced me. News, opinions, columns, reports, facts and figures, graphics, poems and songs that surely have very much gotten their message across. Believe me, I listen when I am spoken to. But yes, at the moment I am rather Don Draper. I would now rather like to walk into a pub that is dim lit and where tumblers are filled up with Canadian Club whiskey. I would then swallow the burning liquid down in the hope that it would numb me for a few precious moments that I don’t feel a thing. I long for that moment… I do because for the moment I don’t know what is the right word to use and to make sure that I not offend one single precious soul. Seems for the moment that this is rather mission impossible. I am desperate calling for Ethan Hawke instead of Don Draper.
Silence is at the moment the loudest message I try to answer with. Sorry, if you not agree with me but this is my personal reaction. Deep inside of me there is this sleeping volcano who is desperate to erupt to create a flow of words. All I can hope for is that the people close to my heart know what I try to tell by not talking. In case you, like so many, might be wondering ‘Et maitenant?’ I wish to tell you are not the only who then only finds silence. Many of us are in this together…