'Give me a break, please give me break!'
'Not now, please not now..'
'For crying out loud....'
'WTF!!!!!' (pardon my French but it is necessary evil at this stage)
Getting the picture? Yeah, Stallie is in an total overdrive momentarily and I have the last weeks being not the most optimistic person to be around with. Not that I am not trying to fight back. For those who know me they do know me well enough that I do not crawl into a corner and cry till someone comes and gets me out of it. I am not like that but it are challenging times and momentarily I am counting my blessings...big time...
I have those days that I do wonder why I am even around on this globe. The 'Moeder, waarom leven we?'-attitude all over my face and not a sparkle of joy to be found in my bones. I feel rather like Kylo Ren running a marathon on the Death Star and ready to get out his light saber! Totaly ignoring the tiny Han Solo figurine I have in my office to remind me of the fact that some rebel attitude and a few good jokes can save the day.
Yesterday I did think that I had turned the tables on Kylo Ren and had given his father the benefit of doubt to run my emotional household once again. But unfortunately, it was rather a mirage! Yes, I have been in the mountains lately and I did manage to bring back primary children in one piece. The mountain air, the snow, the speed, the sun light and the sounds the birds produced on slope 10 in Pila were my vitamin booster. But this time I came less refreshed home. That I did sleep that well as I usually do in Dolce Italy must have been one of the reasons why things from that moment only seemed to go down hill.
I did stare at the picture of that school journey rather feeling numb. That A had been last minute been detained of joining me on that special trip has surely not made it any eassier. Fortunately there was a surprise visit to the sweet Lindt shop included in this one. But still momentarily my mind seems to be over analysing every single detail. The reasons are complex and I am trying to come to terms that I am going to be the grey goose in the room for a while. The world around me seems to have a great time. Including that one specific person in Washington DC who yesterday did feel the need to give Bundeskanzler Angela Merkel a hand shake.
Not that it came to a surprise to me. Still, the fact that she had even dare to ask for one but then got ignored made me stare at the screen with a certain uncomfortable feeling. Yes, I do wonder if this is the new cool. If this is okay? If we just can create our own standards and facts to life by. The press has been publishing many new words that are now daily business. Nope, I am not having an easy time to digest them to give them air time they deserve. Unfortunately many seem to copy&paste this attitude and even create havoc close by.
The list of news that made me turn into Kylo Ren is a long one. In case you wonder why I have been holding back? Well, to be honest the idea that a border control officer will demand my smart phone and will check out my Twitter TL and Facebook posts is not a very promising prospect. We even put our plans to travel to the US this year into the freezer. Yes, I have been holding back of giving comments on what certain individuals have been posting about many national and international issues. In a way I did (and still do) think that Facebook and Twitter are not the ultimate tool to create a good debate. I am rather the person who has got the Dan Draper attitude and will only open up when you buy me a nice drink and sit with me in a dark spot or on a bench in the park.
I don't believe in the instant outburst of emotional language because there is this moment that it comes back to you. And the speed with which those emotions can be slapped into your face can be lehal. Whatever goes around comes around! Many seem to be able to ignore the elephant in the room and I know I tend to be a person who sometimes creates an elephant when there is not a real need to create one. Still momentarily many around are not living up to my expectations. No, don't you worry many of you still do.
The problem is that I daily face the world and not those where I feel most at ease with, where I am able to be 100% myself with and even dare to goof around with. Yes,Stallie can goof around and even can do some daring things but I lately have not been in the mood or found the time to do so. I do feel numb when an other mortal soul decides that highjacking a truck is the best way to get his message across. That these humans find justification in their deeds just makes me furious. Nope, I do not agree with policy makers who think that can get a grib at the situation by sending out so F16 or some war ships who then drop some explosives on airfields that then also land on civilians and even hospitals. No, I do not agree with what some of the elected humans say loud and clear in the press. I just at this stage not know what will 'help' to make it better. But still,.....
Last night my 13 year old son did wonder why so many people need to suffer in countries where now so many children die of starvation. He stared at the television screen and when P&I did try to explain to him that in these nation are war zones he did reply in a very simplistic manner:'Well, then they should stop making war...' Neither P or I were able to add something sensible to the conversation.
Yes, I am a bit tired of the everlasting battles that seem to go on and on. That people like Asad, Putin, Trump, Erdogan and other major and even minor politicians seem to be high jacking many things to justify their cause I am a bit tired of. For months I have not written a blog entry because I even felt guilty if I would describe how happy I can be when I see my son enjoying himself and shows up with a good science test. Or when I enjoy that cup of George Clooney coffee with a great tasting croissant of the local bakery. The intense moment that you read a good book and love each word that the author managed to come up to tell the story he or she wishes to tell. Walking around in Brussels with a friend that you have not seen for a long time and running into a protest march that just leaves you numb but you do know that the person sitting next to you knows why you feel so hurt by such an act.
Simplicity seems very hard to justify. Everything is so complex and I do wonder once in a while when and where I can put my fences down. Yes, there are people out there who I can confide in who I feel comfortable around but it is the outside world that seems to be having a very hard to time to get their act together. Newspapers are rather collections of news that can get the worst out of a human. Okay, fair enough, their mission is to report back to us why someone thinks we need to close down slaughter houses, why we should use less a car, what makes us sick, how many travel back and forth from Syria, what politicans have screwed up once more, there is still a pay gap between men and women, article 59 is now reality, why one victory does not make the difference.... I could go on and on... many of these things have hold me back of writing or taking a stand.
Yes, I am very busy with my job, running a household (that btw still not comes close to ones that I come across in those glossy magazines), beating morning traffic (A knows how my morning mood turns for the worse in a car), planning lessons (and still think that you have not delivered),trying to find the perfect holiday destination (A&I are heading this summer to a place that I had on my bucket list for already quite some time), missing many whose life seems so much excited than mine (the grass is always greener at the other end), waking up in the middle of night and wondering why your body decided that 4 am is the best time for turning into a zombie,....the list is very long....
I am not a happy bunny momentarily if it comes down to current affairs local and globally but today I did decide that I do not need justification to enjoy the very tiny joys that life offers me. Suffering, death and hardship will not leave my mindset but then there was this one little macarons I had with one of my great coworkers in the sunshine while she told me how blessed I am, how cool my life is, how many people do love me and how lucky I am in many ways that was perhaps the best moment of my day, any day. My life is momentarily a bit like a macarons: hard from the outside but from the inside it does taste so good that it will melt on your tongue. The thing is that I will only open my box of tiny delights while sitting in the shadow where I do not need to justify myself why I am enjoying myself and for a split second just life the moment and forget every thing else? Capisce?
For those who celebrate soon Easter enjoy the holiday. For those who don't just one message: chocolate eggs don't need any justification in order to be consumed. Just enjoy, just let go and just treat the egg for what it is... just a chocolate egg... (you see here I go again...) Run run Stallie...fill up that box of macarons! Yes, I still refuse to bite the dust....