Loss....

The end of another year of teaching is nearing and honestly it has been a good year within the secured campus of my educational hot spot.  Surely there have been the times that I wondered why educating is sometimes exhausting and seems to throw the one challenge after the other at me. Life is not the straight path we are hoping it to be. Instead it goes in mysterious ways.  This year I found myself a bit thrown off the path by a few things that go very deep.  Not professional...but foremost personal I found myself wandering around in a dark forest. 

I am totally aware that I have not been showing my writing part the respect it deserves due to the fact that when I try to write that I end up in a state of overthinking.  Constantly I wonder if something I write might cause someone else feeling not happy or that this person might feel disrespected.  The woke-word has invaded my writing side of my life and it causes me to go into a mental overdrive. Instead then showing some resilience and being a bit more in a state of caring less about what others think I go and live on my own little island, one where writing has not really a reason of existence.   

Unmistakably I still love my job and this year I has kept my safe and sane in many ways. It also did this during the global epidemic that we faced a few years ago. Very grateful to what I am given and I still love what I am doing.  Therefor before I dive into the list of things that I have ‘lost’ I wish to state that I have gained a lot as well and not just weight that my peri menopausal modus granted. It is been a year in which I had to find balance. 

The most challenging thing that I am dealing with is trying to get my grip on the loosing part makes the gaining part just a bit less colourful.  The moment I have time to think facing personally  I get even angry and sad. A sensation I can not deal with with decorum or justification.  A few years I have been told that my anger was so palpable within my sayings or output on a social media where I am bit by bit retreating from. I felt very upset when I was told and this because I wondered if I was not granted time to be angry and upset once in a while.  At that time the world was not a very happy spot and I felt that I once in a while had enough justified reasons to be upset. Instead of just remaining true to my own feelings I took once again the feelings and opinions of myself very serious and started to bottle up my anger and my sadness.  

A few years later I feel that momentarily forced let goes are uncorking that bottle.  No, I am not going to be very outspoken about what I have lost or are about to loose.  People all around me are constantly losing something or somebody…just this year I have been forced to be very forgiving about the number of people that I have ‘lost’ or that I am in the process of having to say goodbye to.  January was one of the toughest months every and we had to cremate two of our family members.  The impact of that is still very much actively messing up part of my life.  On the way to coming to terms and grief I am gaining an experience that I have definitely not signed up for.

There is enough grief and sorrow going on in the world and needless to say that I am fully aware that each one of us has got some sh*** to deal with.  My empathy always makes me keep my own feelings on hold. Sugar coating and looking for the positives have become part of my Stallie-DNA.  Still…those who know me better know that I do have a very active and sarcastic dark side that since the hormonal factory has decided to go in total overdrive just keep me at times  going ballistic.  

The thing is that I feel at times very lost…and do not know what to do what that sensation.  One close look around me and scrolling though my contacts on my mobile phone I have to be honest and say that I have lost a few very close friends over the the last few years. Not that I have not gained any but the thing is that I am a Capricorn and I can not deal very well with changes.   Also I have had to say farewell to three family member in one year and one of them cuts very deep.  In the mornings I can get up feeling nauseous and wondering if I will make it to the end of the day.  Arriving at work I hardly show a smile and I can be so grumpy and if I don’t make it in time to the coffee machine then hell breaks loose within. 

Rough and tough it has been and the moments I crack down I just open up all my emotions to show.  There is a lot going on around me that is beyond my control.  In some cases I even have no clue what to feel anymore. I even have days that I try to laugh it away…but honestly it has made me feel totally lost.  If it wouldn’t be for some very considering coworkers, friends, family and foremost P then I would be now hiding under a duvet.  Thank you for just being there and even not running away when you have to deal with a less upbeat Stallie…it is highly appreciated. 

I have always not been very good at saying goodbye or finding out what to do when individuals their life turns for the worse…I then go into hiding in the back ground and go total silent.  When someone tells me that they need to be left alone for a while or need a break then I am very considerate and patience.  If someone suddenly has to deal with something that will be taking a lot of pain and healing then I am the one that will be lingering around the Get Well cards but still wonders if that this will be enough to send out.  I even feel as if I am not needed any more and that there are plenty of others will be there to take care of their needs.  I then spend days shouting at myself for not knowing what to do. 

Stallie knows very well that she is a people pleaser, a Your wish is your command’-person that is who I am.  There for when I can not read your body language or mind then I just freeze.  It is not something that I am proud of. The thing is connected with my anger or grief. My feelings take me to place within that I wonder if I even allowed to express my own feeling or opinion.  Instead I wait and feel scared…I do..I come with thousands reasons why I am in the way or not wanted. I am not a fighter when it comes down to friendship… Instead I go into a specific modus that is very hard to explain. Don’t get me wrong…this is not a post to ask you for attention and trying to understand me…believe me…I just needed to put this black on white. 

This year I have to let go and give loss so much space…and it cuts deep….if  I had not have had my teaching job it all would even have been harder…I am grateful that I ended up in a classroom…it keeps me grounded, rooted, focused, interested, curious, empathic, compassionate, proud, intrigued, creative, interested and centred and trying hard to keep in mind what matters to me and that is hope.  Hope are four letters that make me get up in the morning and that get me going. Even in the world of today that is dealing with an overland of turmoil I do find enough that can keep me dipping into the pool of hope.  

Finishing up this post I find rather hard and so that I then stumbled on this meaningful poem by a fellow teacher Joseph Fasano on X was exactly what I needed.  These words tell you everything why I do what I do and why I sometimes go silent and are there in the background waiting and hanging out and at the same time I am full of energy and go out there in full force in a class room… 

I wish all the teachers all the world a very well deserved summer break and fuel up with those things that you love and make you feel hopeful…You do make a difference in any shape or form you enter a classroom…you arrive daily at a place of hope.  Not that the loss need to be played down that is also a very meaningful emotion…you own that one as well..just let hope then be the beacon in order to find your way back home. 

PS: I picked a song that is surely now an oldie and when this one is on while driving in my BMW i3 I do feel a lot of the energy that keeps me going.   The mix of the more modern with the sounds of the orchestra and the lyrics it is all there within and it keeps me going strong.