My summer break is coming to an end and I welcoming soon new and already 'old' pupils in my classroom. It is the first time in a very long time that I did not make a list of things that I want to keep up in the following 10 months. Why? Well, because I think the one I made up last year was actualy a damn good one. And after rereading that entry and evaluating the year that did pass I came to conclusion that these are basically still the same things that I need to pay attention to.
Yes, I managed to keep up the list. Not in a perfect way. My class room is still one of the most messy places to hang out as a teacher who likes everything spic and span. But there are people who did notice some changes about me. Or just that I seem to be able to be a bit more relaxed when it comes down to a few things. I seem to have found a way of dealing with some work related things.
So here you can find a link to one of my previous entries. To me that list does stand for a lot. It is my personal manual to survive ten months of educational fun! I also hope that you once more will be able to feel the effects of this list. If not then please be so kind and remind me of this entry. It could make the difference!
As life goes by: School & Life Essentials: Like mentioned before I have this thing going for lists! Not that I am obsessed with them and most of the time they end up being rather ...
It is almost back like I want to sense it: the urge to write and create lines on paper. I haven been thinking a lot lately about many things. This is not good for Stallie due to many reasons. I can get so wrapped up in my thaughts that I then forget about other more urgent and important matters. But once I am on that roalercoaster it is very hard to get off.
But due to some very emotional events I did manage to focus again. The many smiles and tears that were involved in these intens moments I do carry now in my heart. I also have come to realise more then ever that life is very fragile and that every special moment you get to celebrate you have to enjoy at the fullest.
Last weekend I ended up with my family in a nice venue to celebrate my uncle's 90th birthday. An uncle I truely love! His life story does make me become very aware of the fact that we as humans are on a mission and need to use our talents wisely. But also need to make time to enjoy life. It was nice to just sit there surrounded by my own family who seems to be doing quite well. A was having the time of his life by checking out every corner of the place with two brothers in crime and P just was himself by trying not to talk work with one of my cousins. While I was sipping of a glass of sparkles I just felt happy. While holding on to my god child E, wearing a blue and white polka dot dress (yes, I dare to wear dresses again!), I just tried to suck up the energy that this special moment was echoing.
That day I ended up at a wedding as well. I had to go by myself because P was on a call. But I realy wanted to celebrate this special moment with these special friends who also have taught me something important things about life. Going by yourself to a wedding is not always that fun because you might not know that many people. At the same time it is the opportunity to observe all the friends and family that the happy copple considers special to celebrate life with.
Stallie ended up that night quite some moments on the dancefloor. I was so amazed to see that many people out there and not just for a few minutes. It was quite a pleasant view to see so many happy people move on music. Including myself! Yes, I had a great time out there. By the time I drove home I felt very zen and in balance. Okay, I still have got some worries going on in my mind but I did feel happy at that exact moment.
In a way I wrapped up my summer by celebrating life at the fullest depth with people that I love and care about. The last two months were perhaps not the most sunny ever and yes, I had my less moments as well. Mindfullness was sometimes hard to find when you were around me at a less cheerful moment. My mind was not on a break this summer on many fronts. But while I kissed my uncle and the happy couple I did feel so much alive and blessed.
My summer was not the most sunny of all and this of course also infected my mind. Lots of tropical storms got under my skin. Restless I was and had the constant feeling I was sitting at a busstop waiting for a ride that was never going to come. Stallie seemed to have been experiencing 'Waiting for Godot'-feeling. What I am waiting for? I can not put my finger on but perhaps many of us do have this sensation going on in their lives at a certain moment. This summer it was my turn.
Every morning when I got out of bed and took a look at the grey sky I was so much tempted to get back into bed and wait till the sun would come out. But then I would have missed out so much. The happiness and the sadness were for sure real and even without the sun they have managed to make me feel more alive then ever. I just did not have to write about it as much because I just lived the moment and went with the flow.
Okay, the human race is not industructible, it has got it's darker side as well and it can cause pain and destruction but I have seen in many places the power of love and happiness and that then still creates hope. Hope that I need to get through the more painful moments that are ahead of me. When I drove home that night and got lost in Brussels I was not in a panic like I usually do. Suddenly I felt so alive that I was ready to scream it out. This song happened to be on while driving under Koekelberg (the biggest chathedral of Brussel with a tunnel complex under it that makes you shiver when you do not know your way around in the captial)and made the ride hime more agreeable.
I realize that celebrating special moments do matter and that when you get invited that you do need to make time and seize the opportunity. It are these special moments that can give you some extra energy, can suddenly make you see things clear again! And because you only are granted one shot at this life-adventure are highlights so important to celebrate or to be grateful for all the people who not only share the bad times with you but also the good times. So ladies and gentleman do please take the time to celebrate life because then you are prepared for when the going gets tough to keep on going.
I have not been on the last few weeks. There are many excuses that I could use here in order to explain why. Still, that would not justify totally why I have not used blog space to put down my daily thoughts, emotions, opinions and feelings. There is perhaps only one and that is that I for the moment I just kind of not feel like writing.
In my previous post I mentioned the word 'writer's block'. Well, that is the major reason why the last few weeks I seem to stay away from here. I did try and there are enough topics to write a few lines about. Major things happened, are happening and will happen in the weeks to come. Just Stallie did not feel in the best shape to write an entry about these things.
I must say that while surfing along many of my blogs this summer I did find out that there were also some fellow colleagues suffering of the same 'disease'. From what I have read in the past did even the best authors once had to battle this monster. There are even written books about it and some well known film dealing with. Stallie does her research before she writes about something and this even about not being able to write!
What I did find out was that quite a list of fictional people dealing with the inability to put a 'sensible' word down on paper. Even one of my favorite TV-authors Castle seems to encounter it when he kills of one of his main characters. Suddenly the brain just seems to stop functioning in the way you are used. Something has changed. You can not put your finger easily on it. It might just gotten under your skin because you are so wrapped up in other things.
Every time you then ti decide to give it an other try you just give into an other drive. The drive to just let the moment pass to put it down in the written word. This urge is not a pleasant one. Even causes you pain and heart ache. It makes you doubt your ability to create something worthwhile that will be read by others. Words seem not to be strong enough to echo long enough to make it on paper. Like the puzzle pieces that you are trying to put together do not fit together. Only fragments are lingering around in your mind. Pieces that will never give enough satisfaction to ease the hunger when you glue together words. The sentences are not strong enough to stand the test of time.
For the moment I am kind of letting the blockage of the mind take its course. It still does not frighten me because since a few days I manage to get my head around many things that I need to get back into the writers mood. The summer seems just not have been the right 'climate' to create new stories. You will just have to take my word for it that I did have a good summer to take a break of writing. To go with the flow and sometimes just enjoy the silence that a blank page does send out.
Does this now mean that Stallie will not be back for an other while and is planning to take a longer break? Well, I can't say because honestly this is not something that I had planned to happen. Some of my friends are already wondering. One of my closer friends did even point out that Twitter might be the evil force behind this blockage.
The thing is that I do believe that there is a reason why for the moment my keyboard is producing less words. When I was travelling or with friends I have sucked up many things that I can and might write about. Just not now! Right now I am taking a break. A break that I feel is coming soon to an end. Not only because me being a teacher will force me back to come out into open space. No, I do know quite well how to get back into the writer's mood. And it is quite simple but I just need to make some extra effort. It is called: meditation.
I have kind of failed the last few weeks in keeping this one up. Just seem to have 'forgotten' about my daily mind exercise. For a few weeks now I skipped that few minutes of being totaly by myself. Why? Uhm,.... Well, euh.... Let me keep it simple: I just did not find the right balance in order to sit out there and facing my innerself. The minute that I did try my body seem to fail me or was it the other way around?
The 'Mindfullness for Dummies' book that is resting next to my bed might bring some help. All I need to do is starting again believing in the power of that exercise. It has already proven its benefits on many fronts in my daily existence. So yes, I do know the way out of this messed up word jungle I just need to start believing once more in the power of my inner strength.
So ladies and gentlemen, do not worry I am not planning to just check out of the world of bloggers or the written word in general. I just need to find back my paste and my intens urge to write. It has not been killed. No, do not send out yet any search warrant for Stallie. I just ask you to be a bit patient with me. In case you wish to help me then lightning a candle or saying a mantra might help me to find back my center. But please be so kind not to ask me to write down this mantra because I have got no clue what so ever what the exact word in what exact order are. You see, it is still there....the monster is still there....but I'll be back. I hope....
P.S: In the mean time I am going to watch some of these movies that are out there about people dealing with this writer's disease. This one is for sure on my list:
'Berlin was just great! Berlin got under my skin! Berlin took my breath away! Berlin was just what the doctor prescribed!', were a few of the sentences that I used when people asked me about my trip to Berlin. City trips are always kind of tiring because the moment you put down your feet on the unknown ground of a place that still hides many treasures time starts ticking.
Alexander Platz, Friederichstrasse, Sony Center, Reichstag, Potsdamer Platz, Neue National Galerie, Hackesche Höfe, Monbijoupark, Fernsehturm, Brandenburger Tor, Holocaust Denkmal, many red and green 'Ampelmännchen', Unter den Linden, Schloss Charlotttenburg, Kurfürstendamm, Kaiser-Wilhelm Gedächtniskirche,..... I can go on for ever to just tell were we all passed by or checked out. We broke our personal record on that trip of miles in one day.
It just happened to be a coincidence that my mum and I happened to chose Berlin as our holiday destination in the year that Germany is commemorating the building of that one monument that broke up the place in a 'light' side and a rather 'dark' side. For many people it must have been also wall that kind of split up their minds.
My mum seemed also a bit obsessed with that wall and she was always searching all over the place for hidden differences. It is not that simple anymore to find the exact line where you can cross over and feel what people must have felt like at the time. Travelling with a parent at an adult age is for sure different then when you are a kid. My mum and I were not on a maiden voyage but it is still always a bit daring to board a plane and fly of an unknown destination with the one person who taught you so many things about life.
Highlights of our Berliner trip were numerous and the list is to long and distinguished. Because I do not wish to take to much time up from you just a few ones that will be linger around in my mind when the word Berlin will pop up.
- Flying high in the sky and seeing a blue sky after having to face grey and wet weather for over three weeks. My mum was impressed with the smooth touch down that the pilot managed and the temperatures at the ground made her even smile more.
- Having an amazing breakfast buffet to chose from in the morning after having slept in a very nice design room. Most surprising corner of our comfortable room was the toilet. 'Do you know that book 'room with a view'?, my mum asked me after she had checked out the room. 'I think in this case we are dealing with this when we are in there!', while the pointed at the toilet.
- Getting lost in Berlin. Stallie can not read a map and the more she tries the harder it gets to get back on the right track. Even the metro system of Berlin did take a while to get used to. My mum had to calm me down once in a while when we once again ended up in the wrong direction. Roadworks even made it only worse.
- Meeting up with the locals and speaking lots of German. We both speak quite well German to get around in Berlin without making a fool of ourselves. But when I ordered 'Senfeier', thinking I ordered those typical german sausages but got eggs in a creamy mustard sauce I can tell you that I started to head bang and felt that all those years of German did not pay of.
- Standing, walking, sitting, dreaming away and zooming into places that I had seen so many times in all these German movies and series that I know from television. It was so strange to stand there on Potsdamer Platz or Alexander Platz and suddenly link it to so many images that you once saw on television. My mum had a very hard time trying to picture the wall or at least the left overs. One time she even pointed at one of these threshold for cables and said:'Look S, that is where the wall stood!' LOL
- Coping with gigantic pieces of 'Kuchen'. At KaDeWe (Kaufhaus Des Westens, the Harrods of the mainland) the unthinkable happened: Stallie did not finish her cake. I just sat there and felt beaten by a piece of cake. How low can you go? Berlin was winning the battle of cakes with Stallie. They must have been thinking:'Stallie eat that and you will know what cake is all about.' I wonder if Kennedy knew that he was safe to pick out a Berliner when he was speeching. Those are rather tiny compared to the size I had to face and digest. And then I have not mentioned the notorious Curry Wurst that I had to face. Size does matter when it comes down to German sausages.
- Dreaming away in front of modern and older art. Yes, the Germans kind of managed to collect quite some nice pieces of art during (war-)time. My favorite you can see here above. Casper David Friederich manages to let me dive into a moment that he so delicately tried to depict with well chosen colors and the right brush movements. Still there were so many statues, paintings and pictures that I encountered on this trip that made me feel so much more alive. And this in their rather frozen status made me travel along to an other world that must have been cut of the world that they called the 'West'.
- Having tons of goosebumps moments with top of the bill passing under the Brandenburger Tor and not hitting a wall. The sun was setting and Berlin was still going strong but I felt my skin turning cold. That day we also did find out that you can not always freely walk into a building. We were denied access to German Parliament because we had not registered three days ahead. My mum made kind of a scene in front of the security staff. 'Sicherheitsgrunden! Dass machen wir seit die Anschlägen', was the answer of a very friendly police man that was guarding a smaller door of Parliament.
- Shopping therapy in the many secret alleys we got lost in. Most special buy/gift of this trip was my mum getting me dressed in this awesome dance store. It was a very tensed moment to slip into a very colorful dance atire and leather ballet shoes after that many years. I do not have any excuses anymore when it comes down to signing up for ballet classes. Stallie crossed in Berlin a line that she kept away from for such a long time. Berlin was the perfect place to take one of the last hurdles. Like I was mentaly crossing from the West to East during this trip.
- Taking care of my feet while my walking shoes made me cross this very exceptional city all over was not that simple. So that made me then end up in a place of ultimate bliss where that my two feet got the royal treatment. Thanks to the expertise of a woman by the name of Susanne Kaufmann and her staff my feet are ready for an other run around the globe. In case you are looking for the perfect wellness address in Berlin. This is the spot to go into hiding and come back out reborn!
- Trying to act like the locals. I am a big fail on that part. My camera and guidebook give me away in a split second. My mum at other hand can easily fool you. Again she gave freely away her opinion about how people were dressed, talked and acted. Nicest moment I was able to witness is when she sat out there in the garden of the impressive Jewish museum in a red beach chair wearing her sun hat and glasses and enjoyed tremendously the sun. And this among some of the locals who seemed to agree with here that this was the perfect place to enjoy the free air and blue sky.
- Flying back home in the company of some nice English guys who just returned from a stag night. Before I knew we were the most loudest people on board. P who turned out to be quite good with numbers payed me some very nice compliments on my language knowledge. When then his friend M forced him out of his seat we started to LOL:
M:'Is that your mum?'
S:'Yes!'
M:'Well, you are such a stylish and smart lady!'
My mum then LOL and her cheeks turned as red as a glass of Kriek beer
By the time we landed back on Belgian soil we had made some new friends and were invited for a beer. We of course declined but my mum suggested they should drink 'La Chouffe'. 'They might then end up seeing dwarfs!', my mum whispered to me before they were heading for the bar.
While wandering through Berlin I managed to take a very good look at my mum and me. We are for sure not identical if it comes down to many things. In many ways she can still surprise me. While I was zooming into many places and also once in a while into the face of my mum it sometimes hit what a 'special' person my mum is. I am very grateful to her in many ways. That she once more managed to travel with me and helped to create new memories that I will cherish for a very long time I do for sure appreciate. Going on a voyage with my mum means that I take my conscience along and that is sometimes very confrontating but at the same time it makes me reconnect.
On top of that I have been contemplating a great deal about many things that kind of split me up in two sides. I am a thinker and I do need sometimes to be alone to come back to my senses. Stallie is constantly on the run and knows that she can run out of breath when she just forgets to take deep breaths. While standing under Brandenburger Tor I met up with me, myself and I. So yes, Berlin was this summer the perfect city to hang out at in state I am.
When I was in the Jewish museum I was given the chance to put down in words what equal rights mean to me as a woman. Because until the year of 1953 German women lost citizenship if they married a foreigner. This is what I wrote down on that little card: 'That when a woman makes a certain choice she does not have to fight in order to keep up her pride and can stay true to herself without prejudice of 'man'-kind.'
So now I am back home but the big difference is that Berlin now stands for much more then a 'Berliner' that I can by at my bakery. I was told by many that Berlin is a very fascinating place and that you need more then one trip to get your head around. Well, they were right.
P.S.: Every day I met this very fascinating performer by the name Max Raabe. Well, do you know the feeling when you hear a song for the very first in a different language and just love it and link it for ever with a city you fell in love with. Well that is what Max did with me! Yes, kissing is one of these things you can only when you are with two!!! Stallie saw many kissing people while wandering through Berlin.
P.S.2: And for those wellness princesses out there who wish to know where Susanne is hiding out in Berlin, just copy and paste this: http://berlin.unlike.net/locations/303095-Susanne-Kaufmann-Spa
Wenn die hochstehende Sonne seit Tagen das heiße Erdreich regiert und Italiens Glut uns längst schon ein lästiger Gast, wenn der Bus zum Backofen wird und der Wind aus dem Sonnenfeuer kommt, wenn der Schatten zur Zuflucht wird und ein Straßenmusikant im Park unter mächtigen Bäumen spielt,
wenn dein Leib nach den Abendstunden ruft und späte Biergärten Oasen sind,
wenn die Frauen Schönheit offenbaren und Herren in kurze Hosen sich wagen, wenn alte Damen mit Schirmen sich schützen,
wenn selbst der Fahrtwind nicht frischt und eine Dusche zum Paradiese wird, wenn die Menschen nach des Tages Last ohne Decken ruhn und erst die Abkühlung einer klaren Nacht ihre durchsonnten Leiber wieder ins Gleich= gewicht zu bringen vermag ...
... dann ist Sommer: herbeigesehnt und durchlitten und durchfreut!
Du stehst vor einem großen Tor so wunderschön wie nie zuvor Du kannst jetzt einfach so durch geh´ n vorbei die Zeit, Du darfst nicht geh´ n
Du häst´ fast nicht daran geglaubt für Dich durch geh´ n einmal ist erlaubt und in den kalten Kriegen Zeiten standest Du am Tor, von beiden Seiten
Nur stand die Mauer noch davor an diesen einen großen Tor Du kannst zu jeder Tageszeit durch dieses Tor und es ist weit geöffnet für die Friedenszeit denn "Gott sei Dank", der Krieg ist weit
Er ist nun endlich Vergangenheit nach all der langen kalten Zeit Genießt nun jeden Schritt für Schritt wenn Du durch dieses Tor jetzt trittst
Yes, Stallie also speaks German. These are two poems I came across before taking off for Berlin. I can't wait to 'feel' this rather exceptional place that for a while was split in two that has been amputated and then was put back together. It must have lefty some scars and I am quite sure that I will come across some signs of the past. Some will be hidden and others will meet up very easily with me.
Yes, I do remember where I was when the wall came down. My dad just came back from the hospital and he ran into the living room. 'THE WALL FELL!', he yelled while he grabbed for the remote control of the television. We kids, kind of looked a bit strange at our excited dad. He had this very excited look in his eyes. When he found the german channel, he just stood there and starred the screen. 'It is happening! and then checked out other channels that were all showing images of people dancing on the wall and people who were hugging, singing and being over excited. 'Do you realise what this means?', he asked us., 'This is history you are watching right there and pointed at the screen!'
My parents took that us a few months later to the Eastern Europe because they wanted us to see what Eastern Europe looked like before that gigantic piece of architecture came down. What I got to see on that trip was like travelling to a very unknown place that I had never imagined that close by.
In about 12 hours I will board a plane that will fly me to a city where two worlds came together and where mankind is trying to cope with a new state of mind. Many guide books tell me that it is not easy to tell where the East meets the West. Today Berlin is a melting pot. Before you know you will jumping over it and still be able to breath freely.
Berlin is calling and for me it is the best place to hang out while I am suffering from a major writer's block. I hit the wall and need to get over it in order to feel at peace with my key board. My mind needs to cross the imaginary line from the dark to the light side and I do hope that this moment perhaps will happen while I am having a huge 'Berliner' or when I am drinking beer out one of these gigantic mugs.
My mum thinks I am going to be fine because when I told her that what is was experiencing her reply was:'Uhm, I am having a gardener's block and that is much worse!' And like always mum is right because weeds all over the place are not hard to miss. They even are more visible then the invisible wall that we will cross numerous times in the days to come. Berlin here we come!!!
P.S.: For the German people this piece music has a much deeper meaning then to most of us. The 9th sympfony of Beethoven stands for the joy they found back after the wall fell down. It does gets unders my skin when I play it and I hope to kind of travel into their minds when I wander with my mum throught the streets of Berlin.
