zondag 28 oktober 2012

Finer Feelings

It is midterm and I made it in one piece. Not that it not took any effort to make it to the finish line. Okay, it is not like I have been running a marathon but I feel a bit shattered. But the tiredness is more located in my brain then in my body. That I faced first about 70 parents at report card was for me of course quite a challenge. But then it is part of the job description and that these parents show intrest in how their children manage with Dutch I do think is quite nice.   There was not a lot of time for coffee, tea, a biscuit or even lunch we had in a personal record time. Time did fly by and then you suddenly get hit by the hammer. Your mind starts to act up funny.

I love my mind and brain in general. Stallie loves the brain games and I admit it here openly that I even like to play a few games to keep my mind focused.

As long I feel the positive side effects of having a racing mind I do not mind. Unfortunately it not always works out that way. What goes up has to come down once in a while so....Stallie is always aware that sooner of later her mind will back fire at her.  It then seems so hard to let go and let things take its course. Not that I do not try. Believe me I already am better at then I used to. But still it will always be something that makes some days a bit less fun to hang out with me.  Not that you will always notice because I got better at hiding out. I do have now even an office where I can run to and close the door and try to take a distance of it all.

So yes, I have got storms going on in my mind.  There are even moments that I wish I could turn my mind of for a few days. It is not that I curse it but the brain activity sometimes complicates things and I need also a break once in a while. After all I am only human and yes I have got the tendency to hold back my emotions because they only make things more complicated. But then I would forsake myself in many ways. The moment my eyes fill up with tears I do hold them back or try to find an other way to deal with the sadness or the insecurity or the anger or whatever less fun emotions has taken over my mental state.

Do I look for help? Do I fight back? Do I look for distraction? Oh yes, I do. Because I know deep down that I need to take care of myself and not letting the emotions take over my life.  Now, please do not think that I am afraid of having ended up in a story that could been extract of an appocalyptic movie that nobody wants to see or playing a part in.  I have already found out that I did not and the grass is always greener at the other side.

Okay, the Mayas their calendar says that we might only have a few weeks to enjoy on this globe but a website of NASA-scientists tried already to convince me otherwise.  But we will see if we make to the 23rd of December in one piece. For now I need to concentrate on the good stuff that my life has got to offer and putting the less nice things in the right perspective without polluting my brain with gloomy and poisonous thaughts. It is not worth to leave my sleep or getting totaly tensed up because it turns out that I am not living the fairy tale life.  And to be honest I have got so much to be happy and grateful for.....  it are the finer feelings that I do then search for and I do find them in many places and moments that I now consider rather special:

- having a lovely luncheon with some good friends who already know me so well and also share the deeper emotions of their lives. The smiles shown during that meal were sincere and were not fake. The given advice they gave me I do take at heart.
- a lovely ride with P in his sports car through the country side and feeling so content of just seeing the simple things like green pastures, sheep and horses that were enjoying the last rays of Summer  sunshine.  I had this warm feeling rushing through my veins that makes me feel happy.
 - cupcakes and great chats with my friend N and her lovely son V. The friendship I get to share with her makes me feel so much alive. 
- a fantastic bookweek at work! Being a great booklover it made me end up in 7th heaven and I met up with some great authors and illustrators that for sure found their way into my book-mind.  That I got to go to work as Mary Poppins was also a great extra.
- meeting up with a friend that once made my heart beat faster and who still tries to keep up with me. It was just lovely to just have a great talk about where life took us and how try to stay true to our principles and our ambitions.
- finishing an other book that took me to a world created by a gifted author who can play around with words and create a good story.  I just love the power of words and the effect that they can have on my mind. 
- watching my son run to first base and feeling so proud of him because baseball brightens up my grey life and that he is having a great time out there on the field makes me a happy and proud mum.
- having dinner with former colleagues and finding out that they still know how Stallie functions and when they saw me trying to locate my car keys came up with:'Some things never change.' Made me LOL. Yes, I miss them and so such moments I consider special. 
- my 'boss' S who has given me so many opportunities to show my abilities and wants me to feel part of a team.   That she is able to keep up with me and lets me be the person I wish to be makes me feel very content at the end of even a rather exhausting day.  Her footsteps at the beginning of the day can make me feel so happy because then I am ready to roll and trying to get together through a day full of surprises. I never feel lonely at work at that is great feeling!
- the lovely appetizer and Halloween inspired drink that our school-cook D came up with in order to get into the mood for the upcoming break.  On top of that being granted a coca cola lolypop that made me remember how I felt like when I was kid and given such a treat. 
- getting to know the characters of 'Game of Thrones' who will fill up my wet and cold Sunday nights that are heading my way now that Summer came to a total stand still and that the golden yellow and brown leaves are falling of the trees. Oh yes, I already have got my favorites that I am going to watch closely. 
- the numerous little comments, pats on the shoulders, hugs, winks I pick up while I am at work. I had so much fun during office hours and teaching sessions.  It kept me so focused.
- the ulitmate mindfulness moment that I did this last week experience in my car when I was standing still in a trafic jam but did not mind at all. I had nothing to worry about or fill up my lost time. I had a blank canvas in my mind and it felt so great!
- the good news I found out by emails, letters, tweets or phone calls.  You can be sure that I love it when friends and family share the good stuff with me. It can give me an energy boost and perhaps get me to a higher level. 
- watching a feel good movie with P on the coach and just feeling relaxed and that the man sitting next me on the sofa was also enjoying himself.
- seeing how my father in law was holding on to a gigantic Winnie the Pooh cuddle while he was playing a game of chess with this grand children.  It made me realize that we all deep down need a cuddle and that when he lost we all were laughing out loud. 
-admiring the new born M whose mother J was beaming for happiness and who made me realise that being a mother makes you more fragile but gives your life an extra dimension.

Surely I have got tons of worries and did I pick up many negative vibes this weekend as well. Life out there is not always a ride on the merry go round and I think I already stated this out here. But I am fully aware that if I do not pay attention to small details and enjoy the good times that I do then miss out so much fun and energy.

Perhaps my most meaningful moment of my passed month  was when I passed by a bench where two older people were sitting enjoying the sun in total silence but looking quite content. It was that I did once more witness that the best things in life are quite simple. In a way I did envy those two people on that bench because they already seemed to have discovered what it does take.  It is just a few footsteps away from your doorstep and you might miss out on it if you do not take a few minutes to sit down, just go silent and let life pass by and let it be what it is....

“Wind and words. We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy.", George R.R. Martin 'A Game of Thrones'

In case you want to find out where the image came from that I picked out to go along with this entry:

And the title was inspired by this song by a great performer who for once used a different kind of background music to get her message across:

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