vrijdag 15 augustus 2014

Best (wo)Man

My brother J is going to get married!!!!!
Yes, he is!!! It might not be ground breaking news while Ebola is still not under control, Gaza is still not peaceful, IS seems to think that they are the only rightful believers who should rule the land they live on and Russia now will boycot Belgian pears and pork... I know there are major upsetting events going on this Summer but still this personal family event is a rather a big deal.  Most of you might not even be aware of the fact that they I do have a brother because I don't have the tendency to write about my family in depth. That is not why I created this writing space for.  On top of that I tend to keep things rather private that go on in my family.  It is something that I promised myself when I started out here.

Now that one of my siblings gets married I decided to loosen up a bit the privacy clausule. Or at least for this one time. After all, this is rather big event in my family.  Yes, he is the first to be married of the three of us.  No, none of us are still in our twenties.  And for your own information none of us is still not in a long term relationship. All three of us take love and relationships very serious.

Before I go on about my brother I need to tell you about my parents because it is essential in this whole story.  My dad loved my mother.... my mother loved my dad... they loved eachother... they did that unconditionaly.....they did show commitment day in day out.... I have seen it and I might have taken it for granted. What I witnessed as a child many us might have seen or still see just all around us.  Cliché words like:'Love is all around', might now pop up.  Not that my parents did hold hands constantly and that they did have long beach walks (at least not when we were around) but what they had worked and it stood the test of time.  When my dad unexpectedly (at least to us not to him) died of cancer I am 100% sure, no make that 200%, that they loved each other till death till tore them apart.

The most painful moment that I got to witness at the time was when my mother took of the wedding band of my dad his hand.  I will never forget that moment because it broke my heart.    And at the same time I had the greatest respect for my mother at that exact moment. In the last 3 weeks that my dad had been around she had shown that she loved my dad.  Yes, she has told me a few very touching stories about the talks she had with my dad around that time. Stories that I won't share with you because they go to the core of my heart.  I wish to keep those private and at the same time I cherish them because they are the proof that till the very end my parents loved each other.   The people who know us personal surely know what I mean and most of you might now think of your own parents, family members or perhaps even yourselves.

My father died before any of his children said 'I do' and I am even tempted to say that his death 'complicated' or should I say 'put things in a different perspective' concerning getting married. It did seem that the three of us had not the urge to get married anymore.  The 'subject' did seem to be of less importance. So before we knew we all 3 moved out, found a partner,  moved in together, searched a 'real' house with a garden, did some of us moved for a while abroad, changed jobs, travelled the world, made careers and we started to found our own families and are very commited aunties and uncle.  Of course we still make 'mistakes' or do sometimes feel lost.  The thing is that all the three of us seem to have found that one person we wish to have a long term relationship with.

When my brother called me in January to tell me he was going to get married I was so happy.  The 'You will need to get a new outfit in 2014.'- comment any fashionata loves of course but that is not the most important reason why this sister was so intensely happy.  It is a feeling that goes deeper. I do know now some facts about love that I did not know a decade ago.  These things matter in my daily life. I have made my mind up over decade ago and I stick to my guns on that part.  And no, my brother, sister and I are all three unique people and so this means that we not all the three of us have the same opinions and ideas about life, love and relationships. Praise the lord for that!  What made him change his mind to suddenly propose on a cold day in December I will never know but what I do know that something made him decide to do so.  Yes, there are people who question why people get married when they are older. You even have people who say that they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Well, honestly, who am I do question any of you?    

I can only write about what I know and most of you I will never meet in my life and what you think about relationships and commitment can differ greatly about what I do think about it.  The discussions I have with friends, strangers in dark bars (yeah right, keep on dreaming I never go there but I would love to have a conversation with Don Draper in a gloomy bar about this subject, my Mad Men fantasy just kicked in), my mother, co-workers  and many more individuals I come across in my life I love having but it does surprise me sometimes how we di perceive love and relationships in general in 21st century.  No, I am not going to judge any of you. That is the last thing on my mind and I do have all the respect for what you think and feel about your relationship or what you consider important in long term relationship.

The thing is that I am 200% sure that if my dad would be still alive that he would be having a great time.  He would look into the eyes of my brother and his body language would tell so much.  My dad wouldn't need any words to express what his opion was about this decision his son had made. After all he had expressed that already numerous times by how he treated my mother and in many discussions he had expressed what he did think about this subject.  He would have loved it including the fuss about the table setting and I would have loved to have seen fitting a new suit for this special moment. 

I am also sure that our father would one night have walked into his office, closed the door, lit a cigarette and then switched on his computer to write that table speech that he was supposed to give on such a happy occasion.  That speech he might already have written inside of his mind. There were many signs that he was so ready for this part of that unique day.  The fact is that he won't be there and that none of us three will ever know or hear that speech. 

That my brother then asked me to be his 'best man' touched me. It even surprised me and for a few days I even felt a bit 'strange'.  I have been maid of honor and I did take that very serious.  But this different and goes very deep. No, I won't be able to tell you why this means so much to me. It goes beyond any blog entry I ever have written.  It is going to be one of the most special moments that I get to share with my family. Yes, there will be tears of joy and also some tears that express the longing for our dad to be there with us to celebrate life and love and the longing for something that is worth to fight for day in day out.  And yes, I will need to write a speech... Not an easy job. The speech that my dad would have written surely would have been totaly different and of course 'better' because none of us will be able to replace him.  That is mission impossible. On top of that I am also glad that my colleague best man Y (brother of the bride) will also have a great speech prepared in case mine is totaly out of tune.  It is always nice to have some back up even on that part. Although I am quite sure that his speech will be surely a hit!

The thing is that our dad will be looking over my shoulder when I will be writing my speech. He will be there and he will be hiding in some words and lines.  He has taught the three of us some essential things about love and life that I am sure that we all three know by heart . Things that I am very sure about that make the difference in how we tackle many things.   I can't write that speech without him.  I am indebed to him to at least mention him outloud that day.  My brother deserves that speech and I can't give it to him.   But the one I am going to give him and his family is the one I will have written with all the love I have in my heart....

So congrats to my brother J, his wife to be A and their lovely children D, A and E on their wedding day.   Congrats on embracing together something that you all five cherish and gives your lives a deeper dimension worth to fight for.... I love you....

PS.: Oh and needless to say that my mother has already given me enough great wedding preperation memories that I will never forget. On top of that I also wish to point out that it is my mother who up till today will never forget to express what my dad did think or feel about love.  She can do that without words but she has also done it with words, sincere words and also many actions.  I can't wait to see her in action during those wedding moments.

PS.2: My sis, brother and I are three unique individuals who all three have their own character, tastes and style. Also music wise we all three differ a great deal. There is only one CD that the three own. 'The Space Between Us' by Craig Armstrong.  We did not knew of each other that we all three bought it.   The music I picked out to go along with this entry tells me that we three also have things in common. We did inherit a lot of things of our parents. Some things are very obvious and some you will only find out if you take a very close look at the three of us or take the time to get to know us.

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