So here we are: it is almost Christmas Eve and I am watching doctors series on television. Yeah, I am guilty as charged. Stallie watches everything that has scrubs in it and a surgeon or a guy with a nice smile who can fix major injuries in no time That these series involve a lot of talking and not that much of real medicine is something that keeps surprising me. Okay, the first copple of seasons of House MD I tend to call a winner and ER brought Doctor Carter and the eternal grey hair and gorgeous smile of George Clooney into my life. And I bet that there are few amongst you who even are hooked to Grey's Anatomy (a series that I consider not being that much a lesson of anatomy but rahter lessons of love) because of Dr Derek Shepherd, allias Dr. McDreamy. Come on, admit it ladies (and perhaps even some men amongst you), you still fall for the guy in a white coat with a stethoscope around this neck.
Well the faithful readers amongst you know that my other significant one is somebody who does wear scrubs and yes he has got a stethoscope. Even a very shiny one. I already have written an entry about what it is like to be with someone who is doing this for real. And nope, it is not like it is pictured in any of those series. It is far from that. I am even quite sure that P did not sign up for that kind of job because of those series. There is something else that made him decide for the world of medicine.
Now don't you think that we have deepgoing conversations about our jobs. We hardly have time for that and since I signed now up for more hours that even is harder and harder. There are even days that we only seem to meet up in the bathroom in front of our mirror and have talks while toothbrushes are planted in our mouths. Then there are the evenings that he comes in just before the Cinderella hour (midnight) and that I have given into sleep. Plus there are also the weeks that he is on call and that our lives don't include a lot of socializing. And it is then that I end up waking him up in the middle of the night when he seems not to hear his phone ringing. That is what the reality is like of being a partner of a doctor.
I feel lonely in the evenings and weekends are sometimes tough because I want him more at home then he can be. Oh yes, I knew at the time what I signed up for but there are days that it just seems like we live rather seperate lives. We both love our jobs and we both take them very seriously. P&I are perhaps totaly different people. In some ways we are even extreme opposites. We don't agree on everything and there are days that we even tend to slam doors. But we both have in common the drive to do our jobs with pride and also with a dash of perfection. I am even tempted that P is a perfectionist in most of the things he does. So I can totaly understand him when it comes down to doing a job and wanting to it as it should be done.
Now don't get me wrong when you start dating a doctor you find out quite soon that his/her profession will be in the way. I have to admit that I did think that I would get used to it. Well, was I wrong. I do run sometimes out of energy on Friday evenings and I then want him to be home with me sitting on the sofa. Sometimes I stare at the clock in our living room and wonder if they have forgotten all about time management in med school. DOCS ARE NEVER ON TIME WHEN THEY PROMISE THEY WILL BE ON TIME! Sorry, I just could not resist! I needed to get this out of my system. Not that I want him to cook me four couse dinners or bring home red roses to thank me for the patience I show day in day out. It is not that. It is just him not being that much around that once in while makes it hard.
There are even days that when we drive by the private practice that I do get sometimes jealous and that I do wonder if his patients even wonder about us. No, P has got no picture of me and A standing on his desk. I don't see the use of that. The days that I pick up the phone and it is a resident, an A&E doc or a patient I do sometimes fire of internal curses. Chances are very likely that I then loose him for an other half hour or even longer because that is when duty calls and that even at the homefront. That is when it gets sometimes so tough and that I wonder what it will take to have one day without interruption.
And then there are the days that so many of us have seen in those popular series and that you are granted an insight into the mind of the doctor who faces lose and who shows to the world around him/her that he/she is not superhero and also has got off days. P has got them and no he does not talk a lot about them. Are you always the talkative kind after a rather less smooth going day at the office? I am the one of the two of us who tends to give things a name. But I also know that I then need to give him time and space to find back his peace of mind.
Stallie seems to have days that she has got the impression that she always has got to share her guy with medicine. And on days that I ran out of juice I wonder what it will take to be granted priority. Not that I expect him to choose A&me above responding to an emergency call. That would be unfair. But can I please have a break once in a while and long for some normality? After all I also need to be taken care of. I also need a check up once in a while. Yes, it has crossed my mind more then once to drive over to the private practice and sit in the waiting room. Believe me there are partners of docs who I know of having done this. But I resist. It is then that I fight back and push myself just a bit further.
Yes, I do envy the couples that seem to have very straight forward working shedules. When I stand in line at the supermarket I just wish that he would be there with me instead of having to do this all by myself. It pops up in my mind when I run from A to B and hope that after I got to C that there will still be time enough to make it to D to finish all the chores on a very busy Saturday when the roads are packed. Or when P does ask me to do something specific for him that does cost time. Precious time, time that I would rather do this with him and not having to deal with it on my own. Even standing in line at the bakery, where I can't resist counting how many husbands pick up croissants and baguettes for their wives&children, I then consider hard. Buying bread I call a romantic act. Yeah, call me pathetic. Team Peeta right here!!! (I am afraid that this last one only can be understood by people who have read 'The Hungergames'.)
Oh I know, I have got A with me and he has no already figured out by himself that his dad is not always that much available as he wishes for. The evenings that P shows up before his bed time and we can have a quiet dinner without being too many times being interupted by a ringing phone we consider a blessing. Sunday mornings are basically the only morning that we get to spend quality time. It is the only morning in the week that I do feel like we are a 'normal' family. It is then that I get to enjoy P his company and that he will prepare me the perfect cup of George Clooney coffee. It is then the best of both worlds come together: the fiction and the reality.
Stallie is enjoying her Christmas break but can not wait for P to come home tomorow night. Because then his break starts as well. One that he also longs for. He has deserved it. A&I will for sure enjoy the quality time we are granted with the inhouse doc. And who knows my mother might have some misletoe hanging out for us to hang out under! :-) So let me wish all the docs (fictional¬ fictional) a very nice Christmas eve! And to all those docs who have been signed up for being on call:I wish you a silent night!!!