zaterdag 11 april 2015

Up, Close & Personal With A Mountain

I am a Capricorn and those you come in real life across in mountains.  Stallie loves mountains. For a while I even lived surrounded by mountains.  Those natural obstructions can cause me to take very deep breaths and also long for something that I have not let into my life for a very long time.  It is very long story why I have not gone back there and no I am not going to get into that because in about 24h I will have my ski boots fitted and then I will have to dive into that one substance that I have not dared to go back on for such a long time.

The thing is that in my head is like an obstruction as well.  Over a decade ago I did come down of mountains like it was my second nature.  Yes, it has taken me long time to get the hang of it but thanks to a very patient ski instructor who took me five days under his wings I suddenly found out what skiing is all about.   He had managed to push me a bit further than anyone before.  It was he who suddenly managed to make me experience what you can feel like when going down a mountain and feeling your heartbeat so loud that you just scream for more of that same rush.   Oh yes, I can be very clumsy when it comes down to getting on a ski lift.  Plus I will crack you up when you see me trying to get into my boots or even seeing me getting out of them will created laughs.  Half of the time I won't find my ski pass and then I have not mentioned it is not a good idea to ski behind me because I can suddenly freeze and wanting to enjoy the view.

Oh wait, that was all before that one instructor got his way....

So what happened?  Well, that is very hard to describe but it basically involved letting go, trust and following my instincts.  Oh yes, I did fall down more than once and it was not always fun but by day 3 he did seem to be satisfied with my progress.   It was then I had found that one sensation that so many skiing people rave about.   It is very hard to describe what it feels like.  My sis and brother share this feeling with me. And they are die hards.  They are so much fun to see on skis.  My god child E can now ski and A is now begging me to take him on a ski trip.   So what went wrong that I over a decade decided to stay away from slopes, ski, aprés ski bars, ski lifts and many winter sport related vocabulary?  Yeah, well life did catch up with me.   In a way my innocence had vaporized and my mind got invaded by fog. 

The last time I was high up a mountain I did dare to take risks and I did conquer a certain slope that if I look back it would never have dared up in the first place.  That morning I did ski like I had nothing to loose but inside my mind it was pure havoc.  Havoc I had to face when I got home.   Skiing was from that moment on something that I did relate with things that had caused me a lot of pain and even shame.  So when I met P who was not a skiing person I did not call that such a shame.   Stallie had no plans to go back soon and once I gave birth to A and I ended up with a double hernia I even kicked out all my skiing material and clothing.

Did I miss it?  Did I even look over my shoulder and did I even think about going back?  Did even picture me back on a slope and skiing down a mountain?  Did I ever made the promise to myself that when opportunity would knock on my door that I would open the door?   Well, nope.  Because skiing involved many sensations and skills that I kind of left behind on the top of that mountain.  It was something that did not fit anymore in my life.   The carefree person that I used to be I had said farewell the moment I got back on the road home from that skiing trip in the French Alps.

Stallie before the black slope at Avoriaz called 'Coup de Monde' and after it are two totaly different people.  It turned out that I had made some judgement calls that had gotten me in a certain state of mind that was not very pitoresque.  It was at that time that I found that I could not just burst out in a cry if I wanted to or if I felt like was about to scream out that I had to pretend that everything was okay.  At that time I kind of lost my vibe and I even found out that I could not trust just anybody.   Oh yes, I had also found out who my real friends were and who not.  None of them were with me while skiing down those slopes.  

On top of a mountain I felt like I could manage that state of mind.  It was like the fresh air, the height, the deep blue sky, the powder snow and the sun managed to erraze it all.  It was like it was in a time zone where it was me against a mountain.  Nothing else mattered and my life next to the slope was a total havoc but I was not ready to face the music and the consequences. I was scared and I felt all by myself once I was not on a mountain. 

It felt great and yes I had hoped that I would be able to pack up that feeling and rushing back home in the hope that the side effects would help me out.  Only the people that know me up, close and personal and know where I have been for a while ever since that last trip know exactly why I did not dare to go back.  I was afraid it would open certain wounds that needed a long time of healing.  The scars are still there and they will go with me when I get of that ski lift and will look down that mountain facing the slope that I hope to come down with a more confident feeling then I am experiencing at the moment while writing this entry. 

I want to get that vibe back, feel that powder snow back in my face, breathe in that mountain air,  let the mountain decide where I need to go in order to get back at the bottom of the hill..... it is about letting go... following my instincts...  but staying cautious at the same time...I am ready to embrace that mountain and all the sensations that I have been pushing out because they are so fragile, unpredictable and intense...It might involve some falling down and having to get back on my feet and face the fact that a mountain will always be stronger but I want to be back friends with it....  Nothing really matters on top of mountain.... oh wait everything matters but on top of mountain you suddenly know what does not...

PS: To those people who might be able to read between the lines I am still very grateful that you were there for me in that period of my life when I needed help when I got back from that skiing trip.  I am still very grateful!!!!

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