Oh yeah, it is October and I did look forward to this month... It is the month that in my head the Summer is brushed out of my mind and I rather start longing for winter coats and Christmas trees. And I also am expected to be used again to be full time a teacher..... Well, nope that last bit seems to be post poned. Why? Well, let us call it a bit of a time management issue. This year it seems that even trying to come up with a to do-list is not a good idea. The list I had lying on my office desk is now still there and only has become longer. Prioritize then, Stallie. Get the important things out of the way first and concentrate on what matters most. Lean in and do not let panic become your advisor. Trust me, I am trying but this school year everything seems to be priority. Or at least that is the perception that I am given.
So Stallie is still alive but barely. She has already had a few moments that she head banged in her office and in class. Very frustrating once if you are a perfectionist when it comes down to teaching and only want the best for each of the students you have under your educational wings. Plus I try to keep everybody happy in that educational hotspot I work at. Now this week I did calm down and this due to perception that I am not alone. Nope, I am not. It is just that we not always communicate that easily about things that do not go smoothly or when you just ran out of time. The teachers lounge is also for the moment not the best time to hang out at because I seem to be surrounded by many kindred souls who seem to searching for time. Time that is not there and we have seemed to ran out of.
It even got that bad this school year that I had to make the very hard and painful decission to quit ballet lessons. Yes, due to work and the planning that comes along with my job description. I sat there in my car driving home reflecting about my job and the time I need in order to get it done. 'I need extra time to get this all planned and make it work for everyone involved in this process. So where can I get that extra time?' And right before I got home it seemed that the only time that I could think of was the time that I normally reserve for my ballet classes on Tuesdays. My mind was yelling at me:'DON'T DO THIS. YOU NEED TO GO TO BALLET. IT KEEPS YOU SANE AND BALANCED. IT MAKES YOU EVEN A BETTER TEACHER!'
Oh believe, I am fully aware of that. I need the ballet studio and that ballet teacher that pushes me that inch further and makes me produce sweat. The adrenaline that rushes through my veins after 85 minutes of hard work at the barre and beyond has the last 3 years certainly made me stronger in many ways. I could work on Saturdays but that is the one day that I not open my professional mailbox and try to give my brain some time to breath and even manage to put things in a better perspective. Sunday is already half reserved for work. So..... there it is. Ballet classes have been sacrificed for something I care very deeply about. But I have made the promise that it will only be for this year. Please be kind and remind me of this promise in case I have forgotten this when August shows up on on the calendar.
P is not happy about it but I did tell him that I am not happy either. It is hard and this school year will be very hard. It already is. The thing is that my job makes me very happy. The longer I am a teacher the more I am certain that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Yes, I sometimes seem to need more time than others to get some things done. Plus I am not easy to please with ready to copy work sheets. Plus that I do sometimes also expect my coworkers to share the same work ethics as me when it comes down to teaching. Now, don't get me wrong... I have over all been blessed on that part. In all the years I have been teaching and worked with many gifted people. Oh yes, in the world of education there are rather some 'rare exemplaren' but those are in most cases also the ones that you might have come across when you were a student yourself and did think of:'WOW, I like this teacher a lot. He/she is not like all the rest. He/she makes learning so much more fun and worth while to put my energy and time in.'
That I now this school year have made come to terms with this I also need now to calm down. Oh dear, Stallie is not mastering that skill. But you know what the last 6 weeks I have been saved by my students and some of the parents and coworkes and also P&A and even strangers. It have been precious moments in the class room and some amazing moments that my students shared with me. Moments that make me realize why I am doing this in this first place. That I am given the priviledge to enter that room and being granted access to their mind I still consider so worthwhile. This week I sat there thinking more than once this is why I have made that once sacrifice. This is why I need that extra time... It is worth it... for now it is...'