Yip, I am still here... I am more alive than ever.... Believe me Stallie is all over the place and she wishes that a day would count many more hours than it does in the present state. I hardly have time to breathe and the moments I do it seems that so many stakeholders have decided to take hostage of me. Sorry to all those that have been affected by it but I do not have one single excuse because the ones I will use sound so cliché. Sadly have current events not made my life any eassier. Nope! Plus I am very aware that some of them will even affect my life in a very profound way.
Oh yes, I am talking about the Brussels here and what is going on in my nation and beyond. Stallie has only been there about a week ago. Right after Paris. I had decided to let fear NOT change my mind. Like that one journalist so bravely wrote an open letter to the terrorist that had killed his wife in the Paris attacks that they would not get his hate. That is so me for the moment. And I am trying very hard. It is like I am Anakin Skywalker but refuse to go over to the Dark Side. For those who know the Star Wars saga you know exactly when our 'cross over'-protoganist decided that he did decide what side he would love to hang out permanently. Yes, right after he had lost what he loved the most. It is then that we suddenly feel triggered and make very emotional decissions. What is totaly understandable.
Every time I see Darth Vader popping up I do visit my dark spots in my mind. They are there and I do come across so many things that I wish to change in a split second. I do produce so many internal curses that if I would be on public television I would be constantly beeped out. What about staying zen or practising mindfullness, Stallie? You have told others so many times that you believe so strongely in those things or did those suddenly went into hiding?
Well, let me put this way for the moment I am a bit ashamed to be who I am. The international press is all over us. I am Belgian... I am born here and I have been raised by parents who are Belgians. My dad was born a few years before the second world war and my mother her dad was a Belgian soldier who became a POW. He managed to escape and fled to Paris where he did go into hiding. My mum told me recently that one night he suddenly managed to get back home and that my grandmother knew that the German soldiers would come back to look for him. He was on the run and letting him in must have been so hard for her. Yes, they came and then he did appearently told the German soldiers:''Just take me back in but it won't be long before you will be defeated.' A few days later the allied forces landed in Normandy and the rest is history.
My grandmother has never told me this story herself. I also never knew my grandfather because he died of a heart attack shortly after turning 60. I only know him from pictures and most of those show him in uniform. He looks a very handsome man and surely someone with style&pride. After the war my grandparents moved to Germany for over 20 years where my granddad was stationed. The childhood memories of my mother of that time are over all very positive.
That I now speak rather fluent German is a side effect of that unconditional love. I have never heard any of family member use foul language about Germany. Never ever has my grandmother openly expressed her hate about this nation. Once a year she even begged one of her daughters to take her to Germany to visit all these places where she and her family had created such nice memories. The war stories seemed to be not important. She did seem to keep those for a place that we were not allowed in. I have never pushed her to tell me what she must have felt like when suddenly her husband was taken prisoner and she had to take care of her family on her own. It is not that I not dared but it rather seemed that there was never the need to ask her.
Right now I am longing to talk with her and ask her how she managed her state of mind. How she did stay so strong? How she made sure that at the end of they day she still was able to keep on going and let hope win from fear and hate. The thing is that I am sure that she might not even tell. There is something that tells me that the answer was in her overall state. Undoubtedly there are major differences about what is going on now and then. But still the similarities are there...
It is hard, it is challenging. There is only one thing that keeps me going and that is the belief that she has managed and that I have not got a single excuse not be as strong as she and many of my family have been during that time. Yes, there are those moments that I feel very weak and that I wonder if I will ever find back that spark that I know is deep down inside of me. For the moment I just try to find back my balance. Yes, I am lost but the force is re-awakening! Han Solo is about to return and say:'Chewie, we are home!'