It is a damn hot Summer in Belgium… and not only the weather is reaching tropical standards but also one look at our recent COVID-numbers is enough to start sweating and running a temperature. Nope…Stallie is not a happy bunny. Yes, I have been a bit more social over the last few weeks but every time I end up feeling guilty and wondering if this was the one bridge too far. We are five months further since I did find out about a virus outbreak in China. Five months further down a time line that seems never ever going to spit out enough positive news. More than ever I am feeling the social impact of this tiny bugger that will not just leave easily. It is a virus after all…they don’t leave…they remain…they slumber…they just go underground… (you see what is doing to my brain…sorry…)
No, I don’t understand people that even think it is a good idea to travel abroad and pretend the virus is not around or ‘dare’ to jump up and down in a night club in Italy on the beats of Charlotte de Witte. I don’t see the thrill of these activities anymore because the mortgage you have taken on them is even higher than the one they might have taken on the sports car or the lovely high tech home they have or the study loan they still have got to pay…. But I try to remain kind and put everybody’s actions in the perspective they deserve. It is starting to become harder by the day but I keep trying very hard....
After all when the temperature is about 30 and you happen to live in a tiny apartment with three small children who desperately need some cooling down then I can get it why you decided to go to the seaside for the day. That then our national railway did then run total loss in the evening and many ended up behaving like trapped wild is also no wonder. It was to be expected…it is hard to witness but it is what it is. Yes, I look with envy at what others are doing that I do not dare because at the moment I am dealing with COVID mental lockdown. My brain refused to take me to places where it is sunny, breezy and the air smells of lavender and glasses are filled up with Aperol. I don’t get my head around human behaviour anymore…including my own.
I hate to say it but I feel guilty about everything I do…and that includes going to see one of my closest friends D who battled COVID herself and is a nurse. Seeing her back was emotional…one look at her made me feel out of place. There was nothing I could tell her that things would smooth out in the months to come. She was enjoying her one week holiday in her garden where she spends most of her time trying to disconnect from the turmoil the virus brings along. It is tough and she tries to raise four teenagers who also show a lot of resilience and the will to push further. When she told me that she does not even dare to go to her favourite florist in the closest city made me feel guilty that I can pick up every week mine without having to worry to walk into that many people.
She is predicting that her second week of leave of absence will be revoked due the high numbers. Her opinion is that there are still too many people out there who do not take this serious enough and then she is talking about the basics. Yes, there are people who take this bugger very serious and even tend to go overboard. I myself am turning bit by bit more into a hypochondriac and have emptied my social calendar. Not that I had to delete a lot but apparently it was still too much. For the moment I cry a lot and there are days that I hardly manage to see any silver lining in all of this. It as if nothing helps anymore and that the bag of tricks is empty…
Nope…my summer break is not been relaxing so far and if I do not disconnect soon from the media and certain individuals who plant seeds in my head I will be heading to a place where I just do not wish to return to. One leg is already resting in that particular zone and I do not wish to go deeper into that zone but this time it is very tempting and irresistible. The tears are popping up before I can even take a deep breath and swallow them back down.
For now the numbers in my nation are only going to go up and nobody will be able to tell us when they will go back down for real and remain slumbering. The word lockdown is mentioned more than once by leading experts and then I just go overboard. I need a classroom…I need my profession in order to stay focused and sane. Even if it means wearing a mask. People that are telling that wearing them is annoying and that it takes away freedom I do try to understand but in my case it opened up a possibility. I seized that opportunity last June and nope it is was not easy but I and my colleagues managed to make it work for all involved Especially when it was hot out side and there is no wind to cool down a classroom and you are not supposed to turn the ventilators due to the risk of spreading the little bugger around even more.
Yes, I have managed to create a few nice memories and that I got to see my mother back and spend some quality time with her means the world to me. At the moment she is the Alpha in our family. She is the glue and believe me she rocks at it. Yes, I call her when I just can not handle the stress anymore and she then tries to talk sense back into my turmoiled brain. A brain she knows well. That she even ordered especially a book called ‘De gelukkige piekeraar’ by professor Bart Verkuil for me tells me what that she knows that at this point in my life I go full over drive and that they don’t see any positives at the moment.
Stallie has got even days that she tends to be aggressive and is about to nail a total stranger who thinks that the best spot for a mouth mask to hang out at is their chin when they are walking through a shop, waiting for the bus and come too close for my liking when I try to reach for mozzarella cheese in the the dairy section of my local supermarket. Yes, I am scared and every single day I think I am about to die when the virus hits me between the eyes.
Experts and health care workers their opinions can have a very big impact on my thinking…they are leading me through the darkest storm I ever faced but there are moments they I just don’t understand them anymore. They used to make sense and most days their general messages still make sense but one little spark of their real thinking that they out in an interview is enough for me to go ballistic mental. Plus the moment I calm down there is a now scientific report popping up. Peer reviewed...not always but that is at this stage and due to the global impact something that many people do not consider that important to jump to conclusion or even leave space for debate or a 'healthy' discussion. Polarisation beyond.
Nope, mentally were are not guided through this. Nope, engaging influencers to stimulate people to share more openly your contacts when contacted by a total strangers is not going to work. And nope, that group of people that ‘we’ still not seem to reach in order to make it work for all of us you will not get on board by hanging up posters next to the street or recording a You Tube demonstration clip how to wear a mask properly. It is not working…IT IS NOT WORKING!!!! You need to come up with something else because at the moment the majority of the people that listen, read, follow up the advice and push the heavy and slow waggon are still the same number of people...and they are growing tired and some of them start to feel trapped and wonder when they will be allowed to do something that now is forbidden.
It is not rocket science…it is realism and if you now wonder why it does not work then I might just walk out of the room and slam a few doors. Really? Come on…it is not hard to see why not… Yes, it is vital that all of you follow the safety instructions that are plastered around us everywhere and splash soap and alcohol gel all over our body. I can do that and my mouth masks are now a fashion accessory…keeping distance is hard at times but most of the time I can handle that. I try to stay away from crowded places and I do sometimes even not buy that bag of tasty crisps that I longed for with my chilled rosé when there are too many people hanging around in the snack section that seem not to be able to make up their mind. I then move on…even with grumbling. After all I already trying to deal with my added COVID-kilos. Also I managed not to kiss my other significant one for over 4 months. Him being a doctor who comes constantly in contact with patients and having been on the COVID-ward made me do this. Last week I kissed him when we were celebrating our 19th relationship anniversary while sitting outside in the darkness in our new garden furniture. But believe I am still scared to come close to him....
When dealing with the virus in combination with my social calendar my tagline is ‘Not worth it…’ and I still try to stay home as much as possible. Not that I don’t grant others a break…I do but at the moment I feel guilty when I even dare to do something fun related. I can not put it in to the right perspective anymore and then I just freeze and just don’t know that is possible. Even a walk in the woods seems now high risk and I don’t even mange to go out anymore to walk through deserted streets in my neighbourhood where most homes are deserted as well.
I am getting sick because of the vocabulary experts use…’Keep distance…stay home…be patient…persist…show resilience…’ WTF (pardon my French but for once I need to get it out of my system) is the the best you can say to coach us through a pandemic? Sorry..but I am becoming more and more tone deaf for the moment….sorry, I just need to get this desperatedly out of my system.... IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO WHEN ADDRESSING THE NATION WHEN SHARING NUMBERS AND ADDING SOME FUSSY ADVICE? ADVICE THAT IS AS OLD AS TALE…. GRRRRR..... WHAT DO YOU THINK I (AND MILLIONS OF OTHER BELGIANS) HAVE BEEN DOING THE LAST FOUR MONTHS??????? On what planet are you politicians and experts all hanging out? There is a missing link and it seems that many of you have still no clue how to activate that system to go full on within a pandemic to make it work long term...LONG TERM...not living from one unpredictable wave to the next or always having to threat people with a full blown lockdown!
Now do not worry, I take it all still serious…I have no social calendar anymore and I do not have any intentions in the month or the year to come to travel abroad. I don’t dare to visit Antwerp or Brussels or even Leuven at this moment. I don’t dare to go swimming in a public pool or even going to a shop for the sales that started this week. A bubble of five extra close social contacts? Not for my liking. I have given those five to my son and my husband what then means that my beloved mother in law is even more than ever linked to my life. People who know me well know what effect that can have on me. It is what it is…my in-laws live closer to me than my mother and siblings. Plus using common sense then means that my sister in law and her husband and two children are automatically added up to that bubble. Because they visit her as well. So just some quick math brings us then to 1+2+2 equals 5. Three of these people I have not seen anymore since the 4th of March but they are in my bubble. I don’t interact with them but they ‘are’ in my bubble! I wonder how many people do that kind of math when they are trying to be honest about their close contacts?
I hit the wall and all I have left are restaurant visits with P&A. Yes, tremble…I dare to go into a restaurant order my favourite drink from a menu activated by a QR-code. You might not dare to this and consider me crazy for doing this. But I bet that most of you have dared to do something that might not considered COVID19 proof. In my honest humble and not scientifice proven opinion is nothing COVID19 proof. But those restaurant visits are the only thing that at the moment bring me some extra joy. Not that my body weight agrees me but is it what it is. I need food and good food and food prepared by great chefs that also have been going through a rough time. We only go with the three of us and we don’t invite anyone along even not of our bubble. We then sit down as a family and have a great time where I then can focus on what I do have and still can.
Nope…I am not perfect and I will already haven taken some unnecessary risks or done something that someone close to me or who I know considers not okay. I am not an idiot and I will not judge you because you did dare to get on a plane and have that one holiday that you were so longing for or even had been saving for since a few years. No, I don’t think that you acted like a fool when you decided to book a spot on the beach of Ostend and fill up your picknick basket with drinks and home made sandwiches because you were after a cool breeze while the temperatures were hitting the roof and if you have been a daredevil to face the waiting lines of a fun park because you were after a thrill than I do grant you that.
After all it is not something that will suddenly go away and we even have got experts who are using the word lockdown constantly to make us land back on our feet. I get that but then they also need to understand presto that many of us just don’t see how it ever is going to work by basically washing our hands, keep our distance and pushing people away constantly and working from home. The majority of the people (no, I don’t have numbers and I don’t have statistics I can throw at you to justify this statements, sorry…) will need some extra support from others to live safely in surroundings where we not have to constantly judge other’s their less common sense of behaviour , point the finger at others, search for justifications why we did think it was safe to attend a wedding service or travel abroad… I am who I am and you are who you are. I have got different favourite things and people than you and my culture and opinions are different than yours. That has not changed since all the virus havoc that now is going on. And it never will….sorry…that makes us human!
But what do when then need along side of us following the regulations that our government is making us following for an indefinite time? Well, in my humble opinion that is also not rocket science and has it been stated by many government officials and health care experts. It is that that part of a crisis strategy that also needs to work in order to make it a bit more work long term. And it is that part that we in our tiny surreal nation just do not seem to be able to make work efficiently. Testing, tracing…..and smooth going communication between different levels of command???? Nope…it is not happening…It is failing…big time and all that we as mortals than are given as an excuse is that there are too many levels of command and issues that just make it harder to implement systems as such that are needed? Really???? Are you kidding me!!!???? Is Belgium bit and bit more visible becoming the ‘EXCUUSTRUT’ that many already labelling her? I refuse to believe this but more and more I start to doubt myself.
Yes, I will keep on wearing my mask and I will wash my hands till they are completely red and not traveling abroad and even follow the not so popular advice of certain experts but I do think that it is now time for certain things to also start working as well efficiently so that we can make progress on all levels without forgetting completely about the virus… I pay my taxes and know damn well for what I do. Gladly if it guarantees me having access to health care and I feel safe. But unfortunately at this moment in time is all that I am giving to work with (that is what it feels like for the moment) in pandemic are a mouth mask, a soap dispenser and the advice to use my commons sense…!!!! The check list is out there and the elements our government needs to put in place and invest time, money and people and expertise into are still not ticked. So….that is what I mentally face and I can just not relax as long that the numbers tell me that we can handle local out breaks and that we have got our testing capacity running wild.
For the moment I am the one running wild and sorry in case I did burst your happy mental bubble….please do not take it personal. Believe me, I don’t take any of your behaviour personal but honestly I do hope you will not hold my choices against me. I am trying very hard to remain kind and smile underneath my mask. It is invisible underneath those preferable three layers of fabric but it is still there…but fading a bit more day by day….at least for now!
PS: when having a good moment I still try to shake off my bad vibes in the kitchen by dancing on music. These are two of them and one of them is a song that is featured in a very cool and summer-proof Netflix movie called the The Kissing Booth 2, a movie that I highly recommend in case you need to disconnect. The other one is by Jessie Ware, a performer whose voice I start to like more and more.
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