So next week I will be back where I so much long for to be back at…at work…at school…on the campus of the educational hotspot. It is the place where I can be the closest to who really I wish to be. Yes, I am so excited to go back! Never ever have I been so happy for September to arrive on a calendar and this despite all the negative press that I have come across in newspapers and social media.
Yes, I am skinny dipping in the depressed zone of the jacuzzi and I am having a very hard time to stay afloat and putting things in perspective. The bubble did burst...and I am not talking about the social bubble that I am allowed to have! Nope it is the mental one. I did try very hard to fight back but then one day it happened! For a few weeks I even did not manage to get myself out of bed and staying awake more than a few hours and the only thing that I longed for was food. So yip, when you see me back you will wonder what happened with me? It is visible and no I am not proud of myself. My body tells me what went on in my head and brain. There is nothing I can and wish to use in my own defence but I guess that many of you just know me well enough know that at a certain point I just dive into the cookie tin. It is the only resort…
Nope, I am not the happy bunny that has made the most of her summer and the word bliss I have not been able to connect with most days. Especially August has been a struggle. Big time…I have tried a few times to put on a brave smile and trying to stay afloat in the dark storm but one week into that month and I just could not jump out of the rollercoaster of dark emotions. I did cry most of the time and I could this every where and I was only interested in food…nothing else. Hardly could concentrate myself on my stack of books, the movies or TV series that I was binge watching on Netflix. I stared into the darkness and I did also pushed myself further and further away from friends and family…. and that is new…and yes that is due to Covid-19.
I was afraid and a big part of my still is? Why? Well I am who I am. The idea that many who I consider friends or people I have got things in common with will judge me for my personal behaviour or opinions about the little bugger and will start questioning me. Seriously, you should see me when I start planning a day. I have canceled all the fun out of my life and body contact. I can hardly come up with justified reasons to go shopping, walking or visiting a museum or sorting out a restaurant booking. Over the last few months I have hardly posted any pictures on Facebook or Twitter that could beam happiness or carelessness. No images of something that has brought me happiness and helped me to relax can be found out there. I just could not do it and every single time I rather other people their well being or opinions, that they already had been expressing very openly on social media or on the phone or even face to face, in my mind. My covid-19 mantra of ‘Be kind’ just made me go mentally through the roof.
Do not now get me wrong… I do think that certain people have been behaving irresponsible but more and more I do wonder why certain people go totally over board on social media when they see people not wearing a mask or do not understand that people miss going shopping together. I keep my grudges mostly to myself and I constantly question my own behaviour instead. The things I go overboard about are more basic. Believe me that what I see happening in our street when it comes down to the knowledge of the traffic rules filled me up with rage. I even started to yell at people who did think they were living in the UK when using the biking lane/pedestrian walk. It only got worse since COVID-19 arrived...believe me...I see it daily in front of me going on live!!! COVID-19 is not an excuse to just kick overboard the basics or did I miss out on a certain public announcement!!! Or the locals I see in action in a supermarket who wear all the high sophisticated PPE but then think that this gives them the right to put together their own box of strawberries and inspect them throughly while wearing surgical gloves! EXCUSE ME!!!!??? I lost it at that moment…my world did not make any sense anymore...
And do not get me started on ignoring the arrows on a street or in a shop! One day I even ended up being the only one who seemed to have figured out what they stood for. So if many do not live by the basics why then plaster that one recent study on your social media wall or time line and vent your frustrations about the fact that people dare to fly to sunny distinations??? It beats me big time...it hits me right between the eyes and it still will then trigger my mind to question my own behaviour rather than yours. Getting the picture what is going on with me?
Those are the moments where it goes mentally wrong with me. I just don’t recognise people anymore…I have lost all the sense of direction. I am flying blind and I don’t know when I am allowed to breath freely and enjoy that one sunset I see when I do manage to put on my walking shoes. I desperately try not vent my outspoken emotions that I am filled up but within there is only rage, fear, sadness, loss and foremost GRIEF. A feeling that I know so well. I have been saying mentally farewell to so many things and even people that every day I am sinking deeper in the pool of darkness. The tears that fall into my kitchen sink and mix with the soap that first has touched my hands are the evidence that I try to destroy desperateldy and hope nobody notices.
So it is me who has brought this to herself and I have not dared to call most of you to explain why I do not feel refreshed after 2 months being lesson planning free. No…I have been trying just to get through one day at the time without moaning to others. I have canceled everything that I had looked forward to and it made me feel very humble. My home has been the only place I have been camping out at and always I do hope deep down inside that it would benefit something or somebody. No last minute change of plans or meeting up with friends who always give me the needed energy boost and can inspire me. The few ones I have managed to see this Summer had to convince me big time to get out of my house. Yes, I will analyse everything before I can relax and this time I just hit many times the brick wall already in my own home. I did stay put and therefor it just made things worse…
I refused to go out for walks and I even did not manage to do the washing up in a decent manner. When I called people I was always about to burst into tears and my skin was burning for human interaction. Yes, I get it why we have to keep apart and why we just can not meet up in a closed spaces but from day one I had the long term picture in my mind where this is heading for and it is a rather dark gloomy world that I envision. I cry because I miss quite a few people and even family that live abroad and can not easily jump on a plane in order to visit and vice versa. We have canceled so much and I can not even picture myself anymore that I will ever book an airplane ticket or board a train or metro. It is like I am frozen and I do not see the end of the tunnel.
Once I was called optimistic and romantic…well believe me I am in a million of pieces at the moment and I can not keep up my brave composure for most of the time. So if you run into me you will see that I gained a lot of weight and my hair might look as if a frying pan has been poured over it then please try to put it into perspective. No, I am not proud of the way I look and I do not have one single excuse why this happened. Believe me I don’t…it just happened…I was dragged into the dead alley and knew very well what would be awaiting me. I know the symptoms and I know the signs. I grabbed the key and closed myself into a room where nobody is allowed inside because I just do not wish to bother others with my despair and my less optimistic human nature. After all we are all in this together... Well sorry but that is rather the essence of my personal mental crisis... I don't feel that connection anymore...I lost it...I feel pushed away and judged about many and the group of people is great and distinguished: politicians, scientists, experts, journalists, total strangers and even friends....
Oh yes and therefor I am so happy that my other significant one also noticed what was going on. He knows me well and he even named the beast that was now lingering around in our castle. There was a time he would have grabbed my shoulders and demanded me snap out of it. Well…I guess being over 19 years together makes you already a bit more wise. He rather questioned me and wanted me to look into the ways that I did manage it the previous times. In the midst of this whole global turmoil I found out more than ever that I do love him and I do feel blessed that I have him with me within this long term crisis situation.
P still manages to make me LOL (more than ever…and at the most expected times) and he makes me focus on these things that matter. He is a restless soul just like me and he loves his profession and is very down to earth. Compared to me he is better equipped to face a pandemic of this kind due to the fact that he is not the social animal that I tend to be. He is fully aware that I had to make ‘sacrifices’ in order to make this work and he is was the one who last week described my break to be not a successful one. He is always been honest with me and even if it hurts big time. More than ever I now start to appreciate that personaly trait he exposes even if the timing is not always so great.
In February when I asked him about the risks of COVID-19 he replied me with no emotions what so ever ‘Yes, you can die of this…’. For a moment I wanted to run away from him because he is the one who should give me comfort and protect me. Yeah, deep down I am still the hopeless romantic! But at the same time it then hit me big time right between the eyes. My father was exactly the same…he never did hide the dark side in any story that involved heath, illness and death. That dark cold and wet February evening I fell back in love in a dark street of our town with the man who tries very hard to look forward in a global crisis without forsaking what he has been taught and preaches. He is worried about patients who have gained weight since this all started is not a very promising side effect of this virus as well. I am so grateful that he is with me within the s*** storm. And some of you know that this not always has been the case but COVID-19 pushes a lot to surface...
So honestly, I have not been handling mentally this all very well and many days I am rather about to loose it. There is a part inside of me who knows so well that this is rather temporary but there is so much polarisation and political turmoil going on that my mind just does not manage to calm down. This lady is so happy to be heading back to campus and is realistic enough to face the fact that there are chances that there will be people getting ill and even catch the bugger. After all I am not the naiev person...or at least that is what I believe.
It won’t be easy and there will be a lot of chaos to deal with besides the one we already face every year over and over again. I am ready to face ‘the enemy’ and this also due to the fact that I feel very much supported by my many of my coworkers. It won’t be an ordinary school year and there might be moments that we are going to be worried and that the rollercoaster ride will take us high but also very deep but at least I won’t out there on my own. Yes, I will have to remain honest with myself and also put myself and my wellbeing at times first. This is not within my nature but this academic year is a total different ball game. Being honest with myself for the sake of many will be for sure high up on my list of intentions for the new school year.
But foremost I am very happy to have that one person with me that has over the last 6 months managed to keep me going and has given me the space to even go low. I have not been the best sport to be around in the last few weeks but that he acknowledged that the summer break was rather s*** besides a few very tasty restaurant visits. That he has not force me to pretend that all was milk and honey has surely helped. I do expect some further bumby and stormy days and that I will need this shoulder to rest on and that he will come up with a quirky remark in order to pull me through an other windy and dark Autumn day but so far so good…and his honesty will make the difference and also a huge box of Dominique Persoone chocolates or a velvet cupcake will help. Just in case you wonder how to get me back on track.
Now if you have seen the ending of the movie ‘The King’ where Henry V faces his bride to be Catharine of Vallois after he found out how things really went on behind his back you might understand what I am after. If not this is a movie that reflects Shakespeare at his best and a must see with a great cast. The last scene is iconic…even tough all the ones that are interested in Royal Houses know where Henry V ends up in the end but in this case the director has chosen to let the movie end differently. And how grateful I am for that. Henry V his request is one of the most powerful ones in any union of any kind. I got goosebumps when I saw Timothée Chalamet and Lily-Rose Melody Depp (yes, the daughter of the Disney pirate Johnny and the lovely French voice of Vanessa Paradis) standing opposite each other and looking each other. All their fences went down and his request is one of the most sincere you can ask any person.
Hereby I wish all teachers all over the world the very best for the coming academic year. Remote teaching or face to face it all will demand a lot of persistence and patience. No, you are not alone in all of this but please remain honest and kind to yourself! Some of you will start brand new professional adventures and others will have push themselves beyond in order to make it work for your whole family. I wish every single of you all to have a few kindred spirits or beloved souls who hang out with you in whatever manner who will be able to keep you going strong together and believe that there is always a candle burning somewhere….
PS: In case you still have intention to watch ‘The King’ then this is a spoiler and you might not wish to see that scenes between Catherine and Henry V. Yes, Shakespeare did play around with reality but we all do this once in a while. But the central message he wished to send out was surely clear….that a woman once again tells a man to zoom out in order to see clearer in close up was at that time surely not the most obvious thing to do for a play wright. Plus I have chosen three songs to go along with this entry that kind of reflect my ups and downs at the moment but foremost my love…for all of you and the things that I can not live without. Pease be kind with each other…and yourself!
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