The Wicked Lady Chef

I have been busy this Summer... and in less than 1 day I will be officially back at work.  Oh yes, it were surely two months that flew by.  You know what they say about when you are having fun. Looking back at my break and having and scanning over the pics that I took with my iPhone I can only state that I had a lovely time not being anyone their teacher for a while.  Oh wait, that is not true..I ended up tutoring a Y12 student for her history retake.  Surely something that involved teaching methods and trying to keep a teenager focused for longer than a Youtube-clip.  That this student passed that exam surely was one of the many times that my break did feel extra special. 

Yes, I have not been sharing a lot out here and my previous blog post was mostly about my brain trying to find some peace and quiet.  My body tells me that I have not managed to do so but then I have been ignoring a few things that I am better at during the school year and I am working at it to get back on track.  It surely would help if those specialist who I need some help from in order to get back in shape would get back to me.  Answering machines are an useful invention but I seem to have the impresssion that they are sometimes used to ignore some people. They better get back to me asap after the weekend or they might end up with finding some less friendly messages on there.

Looking at my self in the mirror also tels me that I have spend some time in the sun and my nails tell me and you that I still prefer a beautician getting her hands on those instad of my stress.  The reflection also tells me that I did finally find some time to get a hair cut and some highlights.  My skin feels softer and so I do assume that my vitamin D intake surely went up.   All well while hanging around in front of the mirror then? Uhm, well I think I might need a crash diet because I did gain some weight.  Oh yes, I have been enjoying food and drinks wile the sun did hang around.  Most of the time in very good company.  But there is perhaps one spot that did stand out this summer.  One spot, that I surely had not a instant crush on.  No, it even asked for some forcefull language of P and being less prejudice about a certain kind of cooking and the name certainly will not ring a bell that easily because it sounds very down to earth as well: TERO.

The first time that P took me there I was not even in the mood.  The thing was that he had been there for a 'fantastic' lunch and that he wanted to go back.  The 'They have got quinoa, hummus and grilled vegetables.'-tag line was not that what I was after after a long day waiting in vain for him to show up at the promised time.  At that point I was graving for a real steak with fries and mayonnaise.  Also A whose turn it was to pick out the restaurant had his mind set on a hamburger.  So that was two against one and we headed for the brasserie where we know the menu by heart. 

Turns out that on that day half of Belgium was dining out and P then decided to just ignore our wishes and drove to this one place where food sounded not as inviting to A&Stallie.  A even told us that he would rather stay in the car than having to have the food that his dad had been describing.  When we did get there the place even looked deserted and I even admit that I secretly I hoped that they were closed.  'Mum, I don't want to go in there. I want to go for burgers.', A kept repeating over and over.  I did feel sorry for him because honestly P his description of the food is not what an 11 year old is after on a Saturday evening.

Five minutes later the three of us were seated on the outside terrace and scanning their no nonsense menu.  Desperately I tried to keep my smile up when A found out that there was no Fanta or Coca Cola on the menu.   Not one fizzy drink in sight at all and so I expected  a summer storm to break loose at the opposite side of the table.  I started to worry even more because guess what?  TERO has got no childeren's menu and nothing that sounds similar to words like 'chicken nuggets' or 'fish burger'.  Even the word 'pasta' was not be found on the tight black&white list of dishes.  So I did panic that my son was going to run out of there and even  walking home on his own.   Even myself, was having  a hard time to find food that produced positive 'dining out-vibes'. P at the other hand was already in food heaven.   'Wait till you tasted the bread and the olive oil.', he told us and so I gave him at that moment the benefit of the doubt.

Well, when the bread arrived I did notice first of all that it did smell nice and the color of the olive oil also told me that this was nothing prefabricated.  The moment that I dipped my brown piece of slightly still oven warm into the golden liquid I did sense something in the air. Okay, I was very hungry and I do have a very weak spot for bread in general.  The thing with bread at restaurants is that it can already tell you a lot about the food that will follow.   Some chefs will fully agree with me.  The bread is where the culinary experience starts with.  Nowdays there are also those people who try to stay away from gluten and that is understandable but bread is the calling card of a restaurant that wishes to stand out.  Dietwise bread is surely not your best companion but I do advise you to have at least one bite of the bread they serve at TERO.

Now the other thing you need to know about  the menu is that for dinner is that you are not supposed to pick out the classic starter and main course.  Nope, here you pick a few dishes out of a list and share those with your table.  Sounds a bit like that formula that the Spanish call tapas, doesn't it?  Well, you are right. P was already in full swing picking out his dishes and I still was under the impression that the bread was the only thing that A would have.   Next I started to have a more depth reading of the menu and then my eyes came across some ingredients that can make me smile while the sun is out and temperatures call for 'al fresco' dinning.   The moment I saw the words 'ceviche' I knew I was going to live happily ever after.

So now keeping A alive and kicking.  Words like sun dried tomatoes and Buratta pulled him over to the more 'content' side of the table.  'Mum, they don't have coca cola?', was of course the only thing that kept him still on the edge.  'You can have instead water.', was P his response.  'I don't like that. Why did we have to come here in the first place?', my son replied.  Surely very light dinner conversation when at the point your waiter shows up.  This young guy still looked very crispy in his white t-shirt and was beaming all over with positivity.  Plus the boyish grim on his face also told me that he knows how to please the hungry ladies that are after a nice light dinner and a few compliments.  But I was more worried about A at this point and did not pay that much attention to him.  (I can tell you that this changed the next time we paid a visit!)

P shot his order at him and next up was me and surprisingly there were four dishes on that list that I just could not wait for to come out of the kitchen.   I then ordered for A three things that I was sure about that he knew what they tasted like.   At this time I did feel a bit more at ease and that by now the terrace was almost full of hungry guests.   Most of them were women and A was the only child.   'Guess that this is not a spot to bring children in the first place.  What were we thinking?!', my mind was shouting at me.  A had by now emptied the whole bread basket and forced us kindly to order more bread.   I couldn't blame him at this moment but I did hope for more positivity to come out of the kitchen soon!

By the time our dishes arrived my stomach had already communicated that it needed food.  And then... well then I fell in love with food... Nope, don't expect impressive molecular cooking and complex looking dishes.  That is not what TERO is after.  Everything that the menu had told me I met up with in my mouth.  A had gone silent by now what I not always consider a good thing.  He was inspecting his food up close and personal.  But after I saw him swallowing down his fist bite of the Italian cheese and producing a positive sound I relaxed.  P looked at me and said:'Good food, isn't it?'

Good????? That word did not even come close to what my taste buds were telling me.  I was at the beach somewhere in Southern America looking at the sun set while having a few bites of nicely and fresh cut up fish bathing in some lemon juice and the nice glass of perfectly chilled Cava did surely help out as well.   I was in a very happy spot and I refused to be disturbed by anyone or anything.

So when one of these lovely waiters checked if everything was okay he only saw smiles and we produced happy sounds.  Yes, including A and that did fill me up with even some pride. Okay, he must have been hungry but he had managed to finish most of his plates.   The atmosphere had now for sure changed at our table. We were only surrounded by empty plates when our still good humored waiter came to clear our table.  'So, you enjoyed?' I did not even give P time to answer:'Oh, yes and even the little gentleman over there did.'  A had his angelic face on and wondered if we could have dessert? 'Oh, that is good to hear.  After all, if we manage to let children eat this food we know we are on the right track.'   I could only agree with him.


The desserts that is always a league of their own.  Desserts are the cherry on the pie and some chefs know that they are their forte or their achilles heel. That star restaurants have a chef de patisserie never surprises me.  Now P, A &I love desserts and so we will hardly skip that part of dining out.   We love the words you come across on a dessert menu.  It can make us even more happy but we also are fully aware that it can be risky and that chances do exist that it might be dissapointing.  It can make you leave a restaurant less upbeat and your memories of the meal will be a bit less fond. It is a bit like a roller coaster ride of which you are wondering if it will end with a great looping or rather a downwards hill that will suddenly come to a total stand still.

The dessert list at TERO is not exhuberant and sounds again very down to earth.  The best news of all is that your friends who have to enjoy a gluttenfree life will be able to share the fun and chocolate lovers out there have to taste the chocolate dessert for sure.   So we enjoyed the last course of the evening as much as our first bite and also the coffee and tea they served along got 2 thumbs up.  And so yes, we paid our bill with a smile on our face and promised to be back soon... very soon.  

Simple food, a love for fair and natural ingredients, being proud of what we can produce close to home, kicking out the additives and trying to stay true to your principles that is what I did taste while I was dining at TERO for the first time.  What a delight, what a fresh summer breeze I felt that night. There is nothing complex about what leaves this kitchen and they are hiding nothing from you (proof the see through windows) and it seems their only hope is that you will rediscover the wealth in simplicity.  Well, in my case: mission accomplished.  While walking out I waved at the chef ,who seemed to be content as well in her kingdom, and I was thinking:'You put me under a spell! One I am planning to enjoy over and over again.  You surely deserve a hug you wicked lady chef!'

Next week TERO celebrates their first anniversary and I do hope from the bottom of my heart that the modest lady chef and crew who has more than once brightened up my Summer will keep up their cooking and good work for a long time to come. 

And because the proof of the pudding is in the eating...  what are you waiting for?
http://www.tero-restaurant.com/

PS: The perfect movie and music that goes along with this entry is  'The Hundred Foot Journey.'  Watching it after having dinner at TERO will make you even fall more in love with food and life, the simple life and the passion for cooking.
And as an extra two more: One the song by Berlinda Carlisle 'I won't say' because I have to say now out loud that P made me fall in love with something that I not so easly am won over for.  And the other one is the Muppets clip that A&I just love when it comes down to cooking.  Enjoy 

Blog Comeback

Today I decided that I am just going to give it try because for the last few months I have been mostly silent while reading the news and analysing articles that I end up using for my IB classes.  Being a teacher is something that I do take very seriously and I am fully aware of how time consuming it can be too be always on top of things.  But hey, for my students I love going the distance.  Not that I am perfect... Oh no but there is already one reason why you have not found anything out here and that is something that is related to the behaviour that I have been witnessing in the media and beyond.

Stallie loves reading... I read constantly and I also love writing.  Words can trigger my creativity and I just love it to find out what moves people and what word combinations authors can come up to tell their story.  That the digital world came along with a revolution in the world of writing was to expect but I have noticed something that I just can't get my head around.  Okay, P calls me a Facebook addict and I share quite a lot on Twitter of my private life.  The days that I signed up for those two social networks I was fully aware of the pitfalls and so when Facebook comes up with new security features I will never forsake to look into those.   I just made some choices about my own profile and still I am fully aware that it is not a safe world out there in the digital world.

A few weeks ago someone who tried to become friends on Facebook told me face to face:'Hey S, if you don't wish to become friends with me then just be honest!'  Yeah, I am not that easily to find on Facebook and I did check most of the security boxes on there.  Plus no, friends of friends do not have the priveledge to just hit the friendrequest button.  Nope.  Now don't worry.  If we ever meet face to face and you will ask me very politely to become friends then chances are very likely that you are granted access. Your face I love to see first up close and personal and let us first share a piece of cake and nice cup of coffee or a gin&tonic before going digital.  That is what it takes for me to feel secure enough to share with you my adventures, some pics of my family or food that I had, some status updates that might be insane to you but have made me smile or cry or that I share a link to an article that I consider worthwhile to read.   My facebook page is surely a reflection of who I am and what my personal opinion is.  And this last one is linked to the issue I am facing for the moment....

The last few months more and more I ended up not sharing my personal opion about some issues.  Why?  Well, because I don't wish to unleash the same thing that is going on some of the forums that I end up while reading the digital newspaper.  That we now more openly can express our opinions is great.  That many of suddenly will speak up when they feel the urge I do dare to call progress.  Due to the digital revolutions there are seeds planted for real revolutions.   Ideas and creativity are easily exchanged.  Lessonplanning has become so different than when I was a student teacher when there was only the library and a photo copy machine to rely on.    And nope, I do not wish to go back to the time that I first had to locate  the books that my professor of Renaissance art got his images from before I could put together my own picture sylabus.   Looking back at that I do think this in some ways a waste of time... Seriously...That is honestly my opinion about this but this does not mean that I did think my professor was a not a nice guy.  Copy? 

Still, when I upload a picture, share a link or type a status update there is always my inner voice at work.    Now, I might have hurt some people while writing some things and some people might think that they know me very well when they analyse my Facebook page or Twitter account.  There is even scientific data available about what social network gives away about us.  People can use that data... I am fully aware of that.  Privacy in the 21st century is more and more abstract.   I am at risk out here and I can get hurt.  And I can hurt people... I have got the t-shirt!  Plus that I come across some people on forums that I just wonder what their IQ or rather what their EQ is.

Sorry,... You see that is now the whole dillemma that I am facing and that is when I do read articles, reviews, opinions it feels more and more as if I am obliged to pick a side ... That little 'thumbs up' icon on my Facebook page I do use and when I do I have a smile on my face or when I think an article is worth to share I have also read the article myself (because then I am fully prepared when friends or Twitterati will react) from A-Z and even have checked out the reviews and reactions.  Yeah, Stallie tries to be prepared.   And no, I don't start throwing with mud or using words that my grandparents, my parents, teachers and many people do not consider kosher.

Now let me tell you what goes on my brain when I read the news and forums.  The following events are the reason why Stallie has not been as active out here as she wishes because I just had second thaughts and did not wish to hurt anyone:

1.  Grexit:  

Believe me Stallie has a very outspoken meaning about and has spoken with tons of people about it (including Greecs some around the corner and some down under) and even on an airplane I had some interesting conversations about this.  Not that did it made it any eassier because when I did hear other people spitting out their opinion this is what went on in my mind:

'Oh, so when I do think that Greece should pay back the banks and the EU I am not considered a person who wishes that all Europeans can pursue hapiness.....So the Greecs just never ever questioned their government when it came down to spending money or when life time pensions to people even after they died... Strange?...You can't blame the Greec fisher who hardy makes any money due to this very low pension...Hmmm, it seems that I am a racist or not socialy engaged enough and do not have enough empathy when I say out loud that when you join a club that you are aware of what can happen when you do not live up to the conditions of your membership....Oh my dear, I am so naieve to believe in certain values... So I am not a social engaged European citizen..'

2.  IS and terror in general:

When I board a plane or get on the metro in Brussels and even when shopping at the Delhaize in my town (where terror has already paid a visit in the eighties, for those who remember 'De Bende van Nijvel') I am fully aware that I am entering the war zone.  It is a split second that I let the dark side running wild in my brain.

'Oh, so we are all to be blamed that we have not given people enough opportunities....  I am to blame that some people can not get a job due to his or her skin color or religion.....  It is because I have not spoken up hard enough that now young people join an organisation that promises them everything that they can't obtain here.... That girls are talked into going to Iran and Syria is very logic if they face an even unpredictable future here then... Interesting, so seems that I did cast the wrong vote then.....'

3.  The refugees on a sinking boat heading for the promised land (but also a sinking ship considered by many) the EU.

'Oh, why do they even come here when we have our own issues to deal with first.... Uhm, it is still better out here than having to live in a nation where you have a no future at all.  But hey, is it so wrong to wonder what their plan is.  Nothing comes for free anymore.... Can you give us your word that you are going to invest time, energy, money in the EU and make this a better place for all of us including me... Not sure that building a wall at your border will be the long term solution...I am expected to understand that you send back part of your welfare check or your pay check to less fortunate family at home but please can you also understand me that I wish for a social security system in shape in case I need it and this means that we need to invest at home in the first place.... Oh my dear,  I am going to upset people with expressing this out here but the long term planner thinks it is very essential to make all people aware that you are responsible for many and in the first place .....STOP IT Stallie right there....Who are you to judge that one person who tries to keep his grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins and nieces and nephews alive in Afghanistan by sending a few euros... Pff... Have I casted the wrong vote?'

4.  Sacrificing a sheep

'Oh, sheep do need to be fully conscious before the knife is planted into them because that is what holy word instructs you to do...hm so when I do think that this is all a bit too farfetched and do think we are wasting time on issues I am not taking you and your religion seriously... No, I don't agree what you always say or think about my relegion either..... The division between church and state in this nation seems to be a bit abstract as it seems... Hitler opposed against this way of dealing with animals so then means that I am like Hitler then... OMG it is all about votes.... COUNT ME OUT... I  need a gin&tonic tonight to digest most of the comments and reactions..... Oh look 'Shaun, the sheep, the movie' is out for rental on the paid movie channel. '

5. Trophy hunting

'Oh, no not Cecil... You must be serious that you consider taking a selfie with a dead lion is something cool.... I am not sure that people who kill living creatures for fun can be taken serious... If this is what you do with your fortune then I think that it is a bit sad out there in the world of milliounaires or the more fortunate ones... So now you end up being the haunted one... Oh, wait I don't understand you if you do think that endagered species don't need be preserved....Well I am naiev then..but the only lion that enters our house is a cuddling toy...'

6. Froome and the Tour de France:

'Oh, yeah well one look at how Froome makes his bike move and you can tell he stands out...Excuse me but Philippe Gilbert did not mention de d-word or am I mistaken?...Is it so wrong to say out loud that someone has a different style or is 'different' nowdays the word we are using for drugs..Oh nice Vanavermaet became a father... Vive le vélo has brighten up my summer nights in many ways so at least some positive news...Who wins next year? Froome again?'

7.  Trump for President

'Oh, so all it takes a lot of money and a very sharp tongue to become the next occupant of the White House... I am not sure that I can take someone serious who makes very offensive remarks about women, Mexicans and minorities in general.... So what is then your plan Donald to fix all the these problems.... Donald Duck...LOL...Still many people consider you the best option they have got?...Jimmy Kimmel his imitation of you made me LOL...You fired someone who says he resigned... Not sure if 'attack-invade-grab their oil' is going to make an impression on those fierce warriors who love Allah and gladly die for him and their principles.. I do think that you not fit in the same room with Putin... But then I am not an American and I do not have the right to vote there.'

8. Taxshift

'Oh, a taxshift that sounds like something politicians in Belgium have been talking about a lot but we never found out what this exactly is and what the implications are...So if I get this right we are going to pay just some extra taxes?... Hey wait, that about the cost for the electricity that must be a joke?...And those 100 euros some of us will get extra comes down to 30 euro after the taxes?... I think this taxshift is rather 'geschift!'... In the end it are always the same people who end up paying...Welcome in Belgium!  Did I vote for the political party who introduced this in first place?'

In case you wonder what I am trying to point out is that every time that I did come across something out there worth to write a blog entry about my brain suddenly got frozen because it never felt 'good enough'. Plus yes, I was a bit 'afraid' to express to my opinion. No, don't start me on political corect language now... DON'T YOU DARE... a few weeks ago even Barack Obama used de n-word and it amazed many of us but he did try to point out something very essential.  (no, I don't have the intentions to go into detail into this but he made sense or at least to me... You see... here we go again... stop it now Stallie!)

Stallie found out in the last few weeks that I won't be able not to 'hurt' some people their feelings or always share his or her opinion.  For someone who prefers to hang out in the grey zone and who tries to find the perfect balanace between her light and dark side this is very confronting.   Stallie does not like to pick sides or labelling people because of their skin color, religion, gender, etc.  I refuse to do so but I am fully aware that some of you who read the nonsense that I created won't share my opinion.   Does it matter?  Well, hard to say...Just as the thin line between fiction and reality there is not always a very clear difference between opinion and being justified.  I am very busy with figuring this out and trying to find a safe route amongst all the mines that are planted out there.  This summer I did spend in most of the time in no man's land.

But you know what?  Today I finally found someone who expressed partly what is going on in my brain and what I am facing constantly when I just give over to the rahter negative vibes that have taken my creative vibes hostage.  This Summer I have tried to come up with a recipe to write a blame free entry and I failed... Should I feel guilty about that?... At least I tried... The positive side of this I have taken the time to reflect and found out that I am not only facing this.  There is no escape of something you love as much I love writing...

PS: In case you understand Dutch you can read the following article/opinion.  And for once I did not read the reactions that people posted on there.  I bet that some people have found a loopholl in it and have come up with less nice language to describe the author of this article... Just a wild guess...
http://www.knack.be/nieuws/belgie/dat-de-islam-in-te-veel-discussies-als-ultieme-maatstaf-wordt-gebruikt-is-bijzonder-kwalijk/article-opinion-594055.html?utm_campaign=Echobox&utm_medium=social&utm_source=Facebook

PS2:  Turns out that what I have been writing about does actualy have a name.  In the latest issue of The Atlantic they go into the depth what is called 'microagression'.  Read and find out what is happening out there. No, I don't think this is heading into the right direction. If professors are already scared of their own students and we might have to rewrite half our dictionary then this is getting a bit out of hand.  http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/

'Das Kampfschwein' versus de Woordencomponist!

Ik schrijf niet veel in het Nederlands.  Soms verstop ik me achter die ene taal die me gewoon iets eenvoudiger doet praten.  De taal waarin ik veel beter de woorden weet te vinden die precies weergeven wat ik voel en denk.  Niet dat het Nederlands geen aantrekkelijke taal is.  Zeker wel!  Het is een taal die ik nu probeer aan te prijzen bij anderstaligen en analyseer tot ik er soms bij kan neervallen.  Daarnaast ondervind ik met het ouder en wijzer te worden, dat mijn moedertaal een bijzondere taal is.  Hoe kan het best de relatie weergeven die ik heb met mijn eigen taal? 

Het is beetje zoals het lezen van een werk van Jeroen Brouwers.  Op eerste zicht lijkt een zin heel eenvoudig, bijna een niemendalletje en dan plots een vijftal secondes later besef je plots hoe subtiel die woorden wel zijn.  Ze zijn niet zomaar daar terecht gekomen.  Het lijkt alsof de auteur op een wit canvas met een penseel heel subtiel kleurschakeringen heeft aangebracht.   Ze een paar dagen heeft laten drogen en dan de volgende penseeltrek heeft aangebracht.  En als je dan 1 of 2 stappen achteruit zet, zie je plots hoe alles een prachtig samenspel vormt.  Het volledige plaatje klopt en wanneer je dan de allerlaatste bladzijde omslaat dan overvalt je plots een heel bijzonder gevoel.   Een gevoel dat je als lezer graag ervaart en dat je precies hebt mogen meereizen van A tot Z met de auteur.

Wel, gisteren na de hel in Wales vroeg ik me eventjes af wat bondscoach Marc Wilmots zou kunnen leren van Brouwers.  Ja, ik weet het, Stallie heeft zo van die rare hersenspinsels!  Vergeef het me, maar het is ook een beetje beroepsmisvorming aan het worden.  Ga nu niet alstublieft niet lopen want ik weet het wel dat een voetbalcoach vergelijken met een auteur van de Nederlandse taal dat houdt totaal geen steek.  Maar sta me toch even toe om deze bizarre denkoefening op deze plek eens proberen te maken.   

Na vanavond staan de Rode Duivels weer netjes met hun dure voetbalschoenen terug op de grond.  Balen zullen ze zeker om Bale zijn gevreesde uithaal.  En als ik Twitter mag geloven stond daar geen ploeg op het veld die in staat lijkt om nog samenspel te creëren.  Stilstaande fases dat ligt onze duiveltjes precies niet.  Tot op heden is er geen beeldmateriaal dat aangeeft dat 'das Kampfschwein' het de moeite waard vindt om daar trainingsminuten aan te verspillen.  Tja, een buurland die een bepaalde beker meebracht uit Brazilië deed dat wel. En op het veld leek die ploeg een geoliede machine.

En laat het nu net diezelfde gedrevenheid en 'Gründlichkeit' zijn waarmee Brouwers schrijft.  Bij hem zijn er heel veel stilstaande fases waar het woord wordt rond gespeeld en uw hoofd geneigd zal zijn om het bewustzijn te verliezen.  En vergis u niet, de man heeft heel grondig nagedacht voor hij ook maar 1 woord op papier neerschrijft.    In een van zijn weinige interviews gaf hij ooit toe dat hij er een grondige hekel aan heeft dat het vooral de inspiratie zou zijn die noodzakelijk zou zijn om te kunnen blijven schrijven.  De woorden vallen bij deze Nederlander echt niet zomaar uit de lucht.  Net zoals de doelpunten in heel veel wedstrijden niet uit de lucht komen vallen.  Hij verkiest het om eerder heel doelgericht zijn woorden en zinnen neer te pennen.   Stap voor stap worden woorden omgezet in een lijnenspel van links naar rechts dat soms in een versnelde fase terecht kan komen en dan duikt uit het niets de spits op. Deze scoort dan een zin die al de andere zinnen nog meer diepgang geeft.  Het samenspel haalt het iedere keer van toevalstreffers.

Maar dit vergt wel wat oefening en heeft in de meeste gevallen weinig met inspiratie te maken.  Eerder met volharding en geloof dat wat je neerschrijft in elke omstandigheid het grotere nut zal dienen.  'Bad vibrations' die zijn zeker en vast ook te vinden in zijn pennenvruchten maar zelfs die woorden zijn zo gericht gekozen dat ze nog weten te scoren.  Er is geen enkel omweg naar het doel en je komt er enkel en alleen als je volledig inzet om er te geraken waar ook Brouwers is geraakt.  Maar je hebt bijna geen enkele keuze en realiseert al heel snel dat er is maar 1 weg is om de essentie te begrijpen en dat is de weg vooruit.  Zelfs mocht die eindigen in verlies en tegenspoed dan was de weg er naartoe nog de moeite waard.

Net zoals op een voetbalveld kom je bij Brouwers antihelden en underdogs tegen.  Het zijn 'mensen van papier' die je soms wenst een keer goed door mekaar te schudden.  'Zie jij nu echt niet wat ik al op kilometers heb zien aankomen of wens je het gewoon niet te willen zien?'   Je hebt zin om het uit te schreeuwen en de fictieve mens eerst eens alles duidelijk te maken voor hij zich in het ongeluk stort.   Hun 'flaws' zijn zo duidelijk dat je ogen er bijna pijn van gaan doen. Het raderwerk is gewoon in gang gezet en er is geen weg terug.   Maar het is ook geen schande om dan tot de slotzin te komen dat je het gewoon niet zag of plots niet meer weet wat je nog moet denken. 

Weinig personages in de creaties van Jeroen maken dan ook gekke bokkensprongen of gaat plots als kippen zonder hoofd op een veld staan rondlopen.  Je bent een spits, aanvaller of verdediger en daartussen bestaat er weinig speelruimte en gun je iemand anders ook niet die beweegruimte.   Je dan plots achter een bepaalde lijn gaan willen verstoppen, heeft geen zin.  In tegendeel, het zou heel het verhaal als een pudding in mekaar doen zakken.  Je gaat de oven ook niet opentrekken als je tulbandcake net op het punt staat perfect te rijzen.  Want we weten allemaal wat daar het resultaat van is: de vuilbak. En je mag dan weer van nul beginnen.  'Schoenmaker blijf bij je leest', dat is gevoel dan je overvalt bij het lezen van Brouwers.   Ik zie Jan Vertonghen heel graag (ik heb een boontje voor verdedigers) maar waarom laat je net hem op heel cruciaal moment een vrije trap nemen? Vreemd?  Probeer je daarmee de tegenstander zand in de ogen strooien?  Ben dan geneigd af te haken. 

Dus geef me maar een heel moeilijk te door worstelen werk van de grootmeester Brouwers waar de vonken pas vanaf spatten nadat het je echt hebt laten inwerken.  Waar je soms met je vergrootglas op moet gaan zitten of net een stapje moet terug zetten om het bos door de bomen te zien.  Wilmots en Brouwers een wereld van verschil.  De twee spreken zeker en vast niet dezelfde taal. Maar ik vraag me meer en meer af na de heel koude douche die 11 Duivels over zich heen kregen in het land van de draken of het niet eens tijd wordt om onze bondscoach een Brouwers cadeau te doen.  En op de allereerste bladzijde zou ik dan ook nog het volgende citaat van de auteur neerpennen:' “Niets bestaat dat niet iets anders aanraakt.”  Ik ben er bijna van overtuigd dat de eerder lome spitsen van gisteren die boodschap ook zullen begrijpen.

Niet dat ik nu geen fan meer ben van ons nationaal elftal.  Ik was er ook toen ze het minder deden of we precies nooit nog zouden meetellen.   Want soms moet je gewoon geduld leren opbrengen en hopen dat het op een dag wel weer lukt.  De Welsh Dragons hebben heel lang moeten wachten op een gloriemoment.   Je hoort hen dit ook te gunnen.  Brouwers wordt veel gegund.  Hij schrijft namelijk niet het ene werk na het andere.  Heb ooit het ware genoegen Dimitri Verhulst naast Brouwers aan te treffen op de boekenbeurs.  De blik van Verhulst in zijn ogen toen hij mij probeerde te overtuigen om 'Het Hout' te lezen die vergeet ik nooit.  Ze kroop onder mijn huid.  Moest het collectief schrijverschap meer kans op slagen hebben dan weet ik bijna zeker in welke ploeg Verhulst wenst te spelen.

Geef me dus maar op een regenachtige dag een Brouwers.  Naar mijn aanvoelen is het dan ook hoog tijd dat onze bondscoach  'Game of Thrones' aan de kant legt.  Vuurspuwende draken hebben we gisteren in actie gezien.  Those are history!   De boodschap is duidelijk.  Brouwers zou nu zijn pen neerleggen en even herbronnen en dan is er maar 1 weg: VOORUIT!!  Parijs is just around the bend....

Maar graag laat ik Jeroen Brouwers zelf aan het woord in deze eerder vreemd klinkende blog post:

 "...doordat je je hebt ontworsteld aan de geijkte rommannetjes-makerij, die, volgens alle ongetalenteerden, bestaat uit 'een verhaal', met 'een begin', een 'ontwikkeling' en 'een eind', vanzelfsprekend en verrassingloos verlopend van A naar Z. Schrijven verloopt immers niet met behulp van bestaande plattegronden en via van tevoren uitgestippelde routes. Schrijven heeft te maken met de krochten die in jezelf zitten, met het te voorschijn halen van de schatten die zich daarin bevinden: dat te doen zonder zuurstofmasker, zonder bespijkerde schoenen, zonder een koffertje bij je met daarin je tandenborstel, je lunchpakket, 1 schone onderbroek en de foto van je gezinnetje."

Up, Close & Personal With A Mountain

I am a Capricorn and those you come in real life across in mountains.  Stallie loves mountains. For a while I even lived surrounded by mountains.  Those natural obstructions can cause me to take very deep breaths and also long for something that I have not let into my life for a very long time.  It is very long story why I have not gone back there and no I am not going to get into that because in about 24h I will have my ski boots fitted and then I will have to dive into that one substance that I have not dared to go back on for such a long time.

The thing is that in my head is like an obstruction as well.  Over a decade ago I did come down of mountains like it was my second nature.  Yes, it has taken me long time to get the hang of it but thanks to a very patient ski instructor who took me five days under his wings I suddenly found out what skiing is all about.   He had managed to push me a bit further than anyone before.  It was he who suddenly managed to make me experience what you can feel like when going down a mountain and feeling your heartbeat so loud that you just scream for more of that same rush.   Oh yes, I can be very clumsy when it comes down to getting on a ski lift.  Plus I will crack you up when you see me trying to get into my boots or even seeing me getting out of them will created laughs.  Half of the time I won't find my ski pass and then I have not mentioned it is not a good idea to ski behind me because I can suddenly freeze and wanting to enjoy the view.

Oh wait, that was all before that one instructor got his way....

So what happened?  Well, that is very hard to describe but it basically involved letting go, trust and following my instincts.  Oh yes, I did fall down more than once and it was not always fun but by day 3 he did seem to be satisfied with my progress.   It was then I had found that one sensation that so many skiing people rave about.   It is very hard to describe what it feels like.  My sis and brother share this feeling with me. And they are die hards.  They are so much fun to see on skis.  My god child E can now ski and A is now begging me to take him on a ski trip.   So what went wrong that I over a decade decided to stay away from slopes, ski, aprés ski bars, ski lifts and many winter sport related vocabulary?  Yeah, well life did catch up with me.   In a way my innocence had vaporized and my mind got invaded by fog. 

The last time I was high up a mountain I did dare to take risks and I did conquer a certain slope that if I look back it would never have dared up in the first place.  That morning I did ski like I had nothing to loose but inside my mind it was pure havoc.  Havoc I had to face when I got home.   Skiing was from that moment on something that I did relate with things that had caused me a lot of pain and even shame.  So when I met P who was not a skiing person I did not call that such a shame.   Stallie had no plans to go back soon and once I gave birth to A and I ended up with a double hernia I even kicked out all my skiing material and clothing.

Did I miss it?  Did I even look over my shoulder and did I even think about going back?  Did even picture me back on a slope and skiing down a mountain?  Did I ever made the promise to myself that when opportunity would knock on my door that I would open the door?   Well, nope.  Because skiing involved many sensations and skills that I kind of left behind on the top of that mountain.  It was something that did not fit anymore in my life.   The carefree person that I used to be I had said farewell the moment I got back on the road home from that skiing trip in the French Alps.

Stallie before the black slope at Avoriaz called 'Coup de Monde' and after it are two totaly different people.  It turned out that I had made some judgement calls that had gotten me in a certain state of mind that was not very pitoresque.  It was at that time that I found that I could not just burst out in a cry if I wanted to or if I felt like was about to scream out that I had to pretend that everything was okay.  At that time I kind of lost my vibe and I even found out that I could not trust just anybody.   Oh yes, I had also found out who my real friends were and who not.  None of them were with me while skiing down those slopes.  

On top of a mountain I felt like I could manage that state of mind.  It was like the fresh air, the height, the deep blue sky, the powder snow and the sun managed to erraze it all.  It was like it was in a time zone where it was me against a mountain.  Nothing else mattered and my life next to the slope was a total havoc but I was not ready to face the music and the consequences. I was scared and I felt all by myself once I was not on a mountain. 

It felt great and yes I had hoped that I would be able to pack up that feeling and rushing back home in the hope that the side effects would help me out.  Only the people that know me up, close and personal and know where I have been for a while ever since that last trip know exactly why I did not dare to go back.  I was afraid it would open certain wounds that needed a long time of healing.  The scars are still there and they will go with me when I get of that ski lift and will look down that mountain facing the slope that I hope to come down with a more confident feeling then I am experiencing at the moment while writing this entry. 

I want to get that vibe back, feel that powder snow back in my face, breathe in that mountain air,  let the mountain decide where I need to go in order to get back at the bottom of the hill..... okay...so it is about letting go... following my instincts...  but staying cautious at the same time...I am ready to embrace that mountain and all the sensations that I have been pushing out because they are so fragile, unpredictable and intense...It might involve some falling down and having to get back on my feet and face the fact that a mountain will always be stronger but I want to be back friends with it....  Nothing really matters on top of mountain.... oh wait everything matters but on top of mountain you suddenly know what does not...


PS: To those people who might be able to read between the lines I am still very grateful that you were there for me in that period of my life when I needed help when I got back from that skiing trip.  I am still very grateful!!!!

Easter Impressions

It is the Sunday that calls us to go outside 
and to show up in the spirit of hope.

On this specific day nature shows its power and 
you suddenly see how the daffodils and tulips can be 
radiant. 

It is the morning the grass is casting away
the winter blues.

The Sunday that is worthy of its name 
because we then all dive into something divine.

The day that laughter 
and the sound of cracking eggs 
fill up the heart of not only the young ones.

That one specific date on the calendar 
we all whisper for peace of mind.

Rays of sun who tell you 
there is something awaiting around the bend
It might be still not visible for the eye 
and even your heart might even deny its existence.

But undoubtedly that one day that will 
always tell you that resurrection takes place
all around you.  


P, A & Stallie wish you all close or not that close by a lovely Easter.

Reading Between The Sheets

I love books!!!  Despite the fact that I had difficulties with reading and spelling it seems that books conquered my heart at a very early age.  The local library was one of my favorite places to hang out at.  My parents were of course thrilled about this love affair and you always made (and still do) me happy with a book voucher.   P even has got issues with my collection of books that is starting to stack up in our attic.  Hey, I wish we owned one of these private libraries.  I just can't resist the call of colorful & mysterious covers.   If you ever loose me while walking through a city then go to the closest by bookshop and chances are likely that you will find me there.

Now I have been asked numerous times what books I read.  Well, that question is so much shorter then the answer can be.  I don't have one kind of books I like.  Oh yes, there are genres that I am not that much into because I have given them perhaps once or twice a go and they were not able to satisfy my hunger.  Oh yes, Stallie has come across books that have run her insane.  My first time reading Hemingway was not a that much fun.  A book that goes by the title 'The Old Man"&The Sea' had not that much to keep me interested.   And when I had to analyse 'Mourning becomes Electra' by Eugene O'Neill I totaly went of the radar for a few days.  The first pages of 'The English Patient' by Michael Ondaatje made me wonder what the fuzz was all about and it was thanks to a very gifted film maker that I gave the book a second chance.   Shakespeare his Hamlet has filled me up with 'to read on or not to read on'?  But because this was on the litearture exam Iwas forced to pick up the book and dive into it over and over again.  

The day that I sneaked out of my father's office with the hardcover of 'The Pickwick Papers' by Charles Dickens it were the tiny illustrations that kept me going on.   Oh and then there was that one time that I realy wanted to find out what my dad had come across when he started to rave about 'In The Name Of The Rose' by Umberto Eco.  Well, the first 200 pages I did not seem to see it and was I so much tempted to put it back on his desk.   Something similar I had to face when I read for the very time Coetzee.  'Waiting For The Barbarians' was quite a fitting title when I considered reading it already a barbarian act. But I never gave up... I kept on reading in the hope to see what others managed to see... I was curious...

One day that stood out was when I for the very first time met up with Thomas Hardy.  I was in English Lit class and embracing myself for a rather boring class in which I had to take notes against time.  But then something happened that has happened so many times when I read a book that suddenly opens up when I managed to let the words sink in but then in very intense way. Something was set a fire.  A very strong sensation that kept me on reading and longing for more.  After Hardy nothing was ever the same when it came down to books.    That day English literature became so much more then a bunch of titles that were called 'classics'.  So yes, I am very happy that I showed some persistence when it came down to reading.

It are those classics that have made me reading in depth, that made me wonder about the beauty of words and managed to keep up at night instead of sleeping those esential hours before an other tiring day in class or at work.  Books have brought so much extra into my life and I will never ever be able to repay all those authors that entertained me or tried to teach me a few things about life.  Yes, I am proud that I managed to finish 'The Discovery of Heaven' by Harry Mulisch.   Reading that book was such adventure. 

Reading is part of me and I try to have a very open mind when it comes down to it.  In the world of books I try to live with a not a set of fixed rules.  Thanks to a very inspiring Irish lady N,who I met up with on a sunny Saturday I did embark on a very intense book adventure.  When I became a member of her bookclub I found out how complex and intense the world of the written word can be.  The hidden messages and the beauty of the language I suddenly found in places I had never been before.   And no, we do not all agreee the whole time about a book.  Sometimes we even change our opinions about it once we had a interesting chat about our experiences.

So no, Stallie does not only read classics or will only touch books that get great reviews.  I found out that when I give a perhaps at first sight a rather boring book a go then I might find a treasure.   Oh yes, I do have got my preferences.  Jane Austen never will fail me on a rainy day.  That will never ever change because I even walk around with a tote bag with a gigantic quote of Pride&Prejudice on it.  But then I also have one with a Twilight quote on it.  Don't ask me why because that is a totaly different story but it does mean that the Twilight books did find a way into my personal reading list.

Yes, I sometimes stay away from books that say on the cover 'New York Times bestseller' or 'Already over a half million copies sold worldwide'.  I can be suspicious believe me and then I need a long time to find my way back to that one title.  There then also then moments that I picked up on a best seller before anyone around me.  Like for instance my first Harry Potter book I picked up in a bookstore in North Canton, Ohio and at that moment nobody in Belgium had even heard of the wizard boy.  The reason that I did buy it was because I had read a very promising review in Time Magazine about it.   I have to say that I even had a lovely time being one of the few people in my home country who knew about the wizard kid before he was going to conquer the world.

I also read books in other languages.  In my mother tongue my heart starts to beat faster when I read lines that have been created by Jeroen Brouwers, Hugo Claus or  Connie Palmen. And many more have made realize that if an author masters a certian skill he or she can let you cross over to place where language has got so much more potential.  My love affair with the Dutch speaking authors wasn't easy forward.   But now years later and when I try to teach teenagers the beauty of words I even dare to use sentences like 'I have got a crush on Harry Mulisch.' or 'Do you see what Verhulst has managed to do with only 7 words?'  The complexity and the intense beauty of a poem written by Hugo Claus can swift me of my feet. Dutch literature can sparkle if you give it time to sink in.

Stallie has a very intense relationship with literature and she surely knows that there are authors who have created something exceptional.  She thinks she also knows when something is considered rather pulp.   But I even read those even if they do not get those 4 star reviews in the Huffington Post.  I do go to movies that a professional journalist considers 'trash' or even considers 'not worth your money'.  Why don't I then listen to those people who make their living out of that kind business and surely know what they are talking about.  Well, that is just me.  Do I need to justify myself, do I?  The thing is that I have found out that some books will touch my heart in a more intense way and others will leave without leaving behind a single trace.  Even if they did get that promising review or many friends rave about it.  But I am openminded as well when it comes down to books. 

Sometimes in my world of books there opens up a new window of reading opportunities.  This was surely the case when about 2 years ago I got introduced into Austenesque literature.   I have this lovely friend M who is out here with a great blog and writes great reviews about books that are inspired by my most favorite female British author: Jane Austen.   She introduced me into a world that has already given me so many entertaining moments and they have made me smile while drinking a cup of George Clooney and I am turning the pages of book that describes what happens to Mr Darcy and his Elizabeth after they tied the knot.  When we met up last year in London I was so grateful to her that we ever got me meet on social media.  Yes, my personal collection now also holds some lovely and delightful Austenesque books.  Will everybody be able to share that love with me. Nope!  Because let us be honest we do not all like the same books and movies, do we? 

So and this brings me to an other rather very hot topic and that is the movie that the media has been raving about for months and that is based on a certain book that features a hot shot but totaly f***ed up multi millionaire and an innocent and romantic English Lit graduate student.   Oh yes, believe me I had serious reservations about that trilogy.  I still have because let us be honest it is not literature with a major L.  Plus I had my own very personal reasons why I did stay away from them.   Basically I had the same issues with those books as I had with Twilight and to be honest if Peter Facinelli not had shown up in the A&E after Edward Cullen saved her then I might not have bothered to get the first book.  Team Carlisle Cullen it was then and it still is.   But no as much I loved that triology I don't give them as much stars that I will give a book written by Coetzee or J.K. Rowling or Jody Picoult.  But hey those books are a totaly different league.

And so yes, Stallie went to see what the effect of the six pack of Jamie Dornan was on the pale skinned and lip biting daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith.   Oh yes, I wanted to see what a director had done with these book characters who surely are not considered average.  And yes, I did get comments about doing so.  Oh yes, I am fully aware that there a people who have very strong reservations about this kind of story.  There is so much already said about them and P even did send me a few reviews warning me that the movie is even sleep inducing.  But hey, it does take a bit more then that to convince me not to and see a certain book or read a certain book.

Now, don't get me wrong! Please bear with me for a second on this rather touchy subject because Stallie even has certain reservations about the movie herself and they do matter.   One of the main issues I have with all of this is that the movie only is scratching the surface of what is told in the books.  There are characters missing and one is very crucial to understanding Mister G his psyche.  But it seems that the director had her reasons not to include those in her creation. Fair enough because after all a film is not a book.   The thing is that if you ever will have major discussions about this movie without reading the books that we won't speak the same language.  But don't worry if you buy me a gin&tonic to cool down after our very fierce discussion I will calm down in no time.

The people who know me very well and had some conversations about the content of them will know why I did so.    The thing is that I there are people who do judge a person by the books and the movies he or she watches and that can piss me off.  Pardon me for my French but that is what it feels like when you think that this is how I function.   I have never done that & I never will do such a thing.    So call me what ever you wish behind my back.   The thing is that as long you have not sat down with me and had very serious conversation with me about why I do like a certain book or movie that I might not agree with your opinion because it then rather feels as if you are judging a book by its cover. 

To end this perhaps rather grey sounding entry I wish to point out that I am a bit happy that I managed to read these rather kinky books on my Kindle.  Because I doubt it that I would have gotten the same reactions like when I was reading a paperback version of 'This Book Will Save Your Life' by A.M. Holmes.   That cover has attracted some rather curious looks when I was travelling on the metro into down town Brussels.  One time a total stranger asked me:'Has it got that effect?'  I then answered:'I am still alive.  But I guess you will need to read it yourself in order to find out.'  She then smiled mysteriously and got off the metro and I will never find out if she did. Do I care?  No, I don't but am I happy that I read it.   So reading keeps me happy, my mind sharp and focused but once in a while I need a dash of Bella or Anastastia to pull me through the very depressing 'GREY' days....that and a Starbucks Latte Machiatto grande with caramel and tons of cream on top.  Seattle you will always be a life saver...

Being The Cartoon Heart

I consider myself not a person of extremes. Okay, I do admit that I one minute can be over the moon and the next I can be totaly depressed because something or someone has triggered something that makes something go off in my mind.  If have days that I do believe that my star sign is responsible for that. Capricorn right here! I am used to it by now but believe me I still do have moments that it does take me some energy to understand myself.  Oh yes, I have done things against my belief, principles and faith because I had some very good reasons to do so. Yes, some did involve some regret but at the time I did overcome my own judgement and conscience because it did involve a certain sentiment that I do consider very strong and ultimate important.

Personal I have the deepest respect for that sentiment because I have seen up, close and personal the power of this sentiment at work.   It is the source of so many things that I consider worth to fight for. I dare to go the distance because of that one feeling.  In most situations it will even keep me sane and it will make me stay away of the place where the world is so much darker.   Oh yes, it involves fighting back and sometimes holding my tongue.   Also it will question some of my strongest beliefs and principles that I try to live by.  I am under a constant attack but up till now that one feeling has saved me over and over.  It made sense and then you are happy to even make a few sacrifices. The people out there who know Stallie will know for sure what I mean by this.  This sensation has shaped my heart, my mind and my conscience.    It is who I am and I might have to forsake now and then some things I care deeply about but what it has given me in return I am 200% sure that it is worth to fight for.  So in my personal life the power of LOVE still prevails and that perhaps makes me a bit more naive then most of you out there who consider themselves realists and very down to earth.

The moment I found out what had happened in Paris I sat there and my mind just went blank.   That I was all by myself and that I could not even think of one single 'correct' word might not surprise you. The thing is that Stallie has normal no problems with coming up with words. I am someone who believes in the power of the word and who thinks that the freedom to express what you think and feel is ultimate important.  I have found out that the written word can have negative side effects.  That will always be the case. Every single action can have that effect.   It would be so naive to think that we can just do what we feel like at every single moment of the day.   That world I do not wish to live in.  

That in France people once did revolt because they were after a new kind of society and needed more freedom is to be found in the history books.   Yes, people have fought in 18th century for freedom, equality and brotherhood.  In 'La douce France' many people were fed up with power and supremacy of one person who did think he was even God on earth.  It was then that so many people started to express openly their mind about what they did think. And oh yes, at that time satire was a very useful way to get their point across.   The French have taken satire to a level that most of us never will get.  It is in France that the expression of ideas and thought even the extreme ones is daily business and it sells.

Now, I don't consider myself a person who can laugh with everything. Satire is sometimes a bridge too far when it comes down to the humor I consider funny or of a certain quality.  But as the French state so lovely:'Des goûts et des couleurs, on ne discute pas.'  Nope I not always agree with everyone I come across on a daily basis. Now and then I even disagree with the other significant one when he once more has total different priorities then mine.  I have to hold my tongue more then once when I do think that I am more right then him.   It will happen again and sooner then I even account for. But that is part of the bargain.  But love prevails over and over and that is keeps me sane and also the people try to live, work and have to put up with me day in day out. Or at least that is what I hope for.

That we now with so many ventilate our opinion about what has happened in Paris and beyond does not come as a surprise. It seems that suddenly everyone feels like we need to take a stand.   The thing is that what is going on in my mind is a bit more complex then the sticker or the poster:'Je suis Charlie'.   I have dived into the press shortly after this happened and I then suddenly had a lockdown in my brain.  It is then that I try to be zen, even step away from any IT-tool.  No I am not one of the persons who will then call my family in overdrive.  That might only happen if after that moment nothing sensible comes out of me or the world even makes less sense then before that.  Nope, Stallie then dives into a pool of solitude. It is not a happy spot and the water is ice cold and deep. I am going under and I even will hide there for a while before I decide that need to come back for fresh air.

It is in those solitary moments that I suddenly try to come up with the answer to the following trival questions:'Who am I? What do I stand for? What do I believe in? What is my faith?  What stand do I take?  What is my opinion?' Believe me, I refuse to ask for help during those rather dark moments because chances are likely that after that I might not be understood by all the people around me.  I have found out that in the 21st century so many times we are asked to have an outspoken opinion about something and it seems that we are even forced to always say what we think.  The thing is that I in the first place wish to be who I am without having to justify myself and I feel threatened by others that my opinion might trigger something that is beyond my control. It is then I do think twice before I express my opinion but there are a few things that I consider sacred: my freedom to be who I am and this without fear.

I am fully aware that many have died in the past to safeguard many of the things that I have almost started take sometimes for granted.  So that a few days ago three men decided to end the lives of people who take their right to express their rather extreme opinions made me feel...... Actually I failed to find the right words to express what I felt.... The aftermath of this I am still digesting and I am quite sure that it has caused a major impact on the lives of many. 

In case you have hoped to find out here what my 'exact' opinion about all of this is what is going on then I am sorry to inform you that you won't find it out here.  And no, that is not that because I am afraid  to express what I think.   As stated so many times before: what is going on in my mind is a complex process and for the moment my mind can still not come fully to terms what is going on.  Perhaps I try to tell you out there that when I feel ready to express my opinion that you might be in the room with me and that you just have asked me the right questions and that I feel ready to express myself and that we can have a very deep going conversation/debate/discussion/chat/ (you see, I don't know yet what then will happen but I am trying to come to terms this could end up in many forms of dialogue) of which we both hopefully will benefit.

BUT for now I wish to state very clearly that I hope the following: I feel free and this is also thanks to this blank space that I am able to fill in with words.  I am able to say so many things about what I feel, sense, experience, taste, witness, read,learned,etc.   The idea that there might be a day that I might not have that opportunity to do so and that will have to hold back because it might cause destruction and total havoc that scares me.   Because yes, I am Stallie and I love to write.... It is something that has become part of who I am and I strongly believe that every human being alive should feel safe when using a pen or pencil.  

To wrap up some of the things I came across that for me stood out in the jungle of reactions that I came across since:

  1. Jojo Mojes, one of my favorite authors, expressing in a tweet what she felt like that day when she saw a picture of a crowd holding up pencils:

So moved by crowds holding up pencils, pens, Je Suis Charlie signs. The imagery of good can be just as powerful as that of evil.                                                                                                 
              
Source: Twitter


2.  This is a part of  a commentary published in a Belgian newspaper by the Belgian columnist Guillaume Van der Stighelen.  He wrote this just a few hours after what was going on in Paris:

"Er is een nar onthoofd. Laat dat het goede nieuws zijn: een vorm van onmacht is ontbloot. Nee, het zal de pijn van de nabestaanden niet verzachten. Maar lach. Lach harder. Lach luider. Lach zachter. Lach gemener. Lach teder. Lach vrolijk of lach groen. Maar lach. En blijf lachen. Als eerbetoon aan de jongens die niets anders wilden dan ons wijzen op de beperkingen van de wijsheid die wij allen menen in pacht te hebben."

 Translated freely:

'A jester has been beheaded.  Let that be the good news: a way of impotence has been dispelled.  No, that won't make the pain of the families and loved ones less.  But laugh.  Laugh harder.  Laugh louder.  Laugh softer.  Laugh meaner.  Laugh tender.  Laugh cheerful or laugh forced.  But laugh. And keep on laughing.  As a tribute to those boys who did not want anything other then point out to us the limitations of the wisedom that we think we own.'

 Source:  http://www.demorgen.be/opinie/er-is-een-nar-onthoofd-laat-dat-het-goede-nieuws-zijn-een-vorm-van-onmacht-is-ontbloot-a2174254/

3. The music I picked out to go along with entry is ofcourse linked with what is going on and there are few lines that stand out and express what I do feel like and what kind of person I hope to be most of the time without hurting anyone's feelings:

'I'll be a bright red rose combusting the concrete
Be the cartoon heart'

& Because I have a very strong preference for everything that is Italian and that language also expresses so well what I feel like and what I believe.

'Fra di noi
c'è bisogno d'armonia
poi diventa facile
aiutarsi a vivere'

Translated: 
'Between us
there's need of harmony
then it becomes easy
help each other and live'